It's poop (us) again!

This week, David' son is becoming MAGA, Gavin forces his kids to learn a lesson on working hard, kids pee in weird places, Gavin has an actually helpful Dad hack, we rank our top 3 Dream guests for Gaytriarchs, and in honor, we don't have a guest.

Questions? Comments? Rants? Raves? Send them to GaytriarchsPodcast@gmail.com, or you can DM us anywhere @GaytriarchsPodcast

Transcript

Gavin: 0:00

These are times that I do remind myself, you're like, I will do most of the work. And I'm like, I'm I really, you know, please. I can my insecurities please just say one time, I am doing the best I can. I really, really am. And I'm sorry.

David: 0:18

And this is Gateriarchs. So, my son, I think I told you from Memorial Day at his kindergarten, they had a Memorial Day concert, and he like had a line, and I was so fucking proud, and I was that douchey dad in the front row cheering or whatever. Right. Well, ever since, my son has been very interested and fascinated with patriotism. He wants to know who's in the army, who is fighting for our country. Really? What like what American flag can we have American flags? Who we are American? Like, he's so into patriotism. That's fascinating. Okay. It's starting to worry me. Uh-huh. Because as we know, patriotism, like real, like earnest patriotism in 2025 usually means MAGA.

Gavin: 1:21

It is. Well, I even though this is your topic. I have so many things to say about it. You usually do. I mean, first of all, this does remind me immediately of a couple of years ago not wanting to put up an American flag. Or rather, you know, feeling self-conscious about putting up an American flag. And my partner was like, Don't you dare let them take that away from us. We are patriots. We're proud to be here. Just put up a pride flag next to it. And so that your votes are signaled like that. But it is terrible. It isn't, isn't it sad that I'm proud to be an American where at least I'm can sing off key. And um, yeah, anyway. Okay.

David: 2:03

We talked about this during Pride because I remember we felt the same way where you're like, yeah, I want to fly an American flag, but I don't want people to think I'm an idiot asshole, which is what that normally means now.

Gavin: 2:12

Yeah, DC nationalism is not the same as patriotism.

David: 2:15

Totally. But it is funny from an almost six-year-old to come and just be him be like, let's fire an American flag. Like who let like talk about the army or whatever. And I'm like, bro, slow down on the patriotism thing. Um, but it's also being coupled with we are an atheist family. We have talked about God. Loud and proud. Yes, we we have we have talked about God. He he understands that we, as his parents, don't believe in God, but some people do, and that's what religion is. Like, we we try to be like very kind of like broad with him because he had a friend that was really religious and he was starting to say religious things, and we were like, no, no, no, no, no. God did not make that. Paul down the street made that. You like, like, whatever. Anyway, but now he wants to start reading the Bible. He's like, I want to read the Bible. I said, Why? He goes, Well, because Jenny in my class does, and that's the only reason, right? I'm not putting anything more on this, but as an adult who knows what that stuff means, I'm like terrified that my beautiful little almost six-year-old is gonna become a MAGA cult leader soon.

Gavin: 3:22

They're gonna say he's the second coming. What if it, but like what if he's like their messiah? And then you're like rich and famous.

David: 3:29

Yeah, it's only I'm only okay with that as long as it's like some sort of scheme. Do you know what I mean? Like it's some sort of like gemstones, exactly.

Gavin: 3:38

Which is exactly what is happening in reality anyway. So you know, funny enough, my partner and I often joke, we're like, what if our son rebels against us by becoming a manga Republican? Yeah, because our household is so woke. Yeah, and he's the least, uh, he's the most conventional, I suppose, of all of us. And even though I do think that he cares deeply about the fact that he does have gay parents, for instance, I've seen him in texts actually to his friends. Colton, if you're listening to this right now, sorry, yes, I do read your texts occasionally when I think about it, every four months. And um, and you know, he has after the election, for instance, he's texted his friends, I'm really worried about what's happening because I have gay dads. Yeah, isn't that sweet? And also let me take that worry away from you, buddy. But what if he's like, I am so sick of these, you know, queers running around in my life that his college essay is gonna be like, please, Bob Jones University, take me and bring us back to white nationalist America.

David: 4:39

Yeah, absolutely. Oh my god. Yeah. No, I mean, but like every every generation rebels against their own, right? And we just hope it's not you know progress or whatever.

Gavin: 4:48

Yeah, that that way. But you know what? Listen, you do need, hey, again, introduce him to the Bible. It's cultural literacy. No, you know, find it. It's poison.

David: 4:57

You just refuse. It's fucking poison. Because you know what it feels like? It feels like a gateway drug. It feels like you're gonna want to like study the Bible and then you're gonna want to go to church, and then all of a sudden you're gonna be like, well, sex before marriage is in the Bible. And you're like, stop it. Stop it. Um, we are very different, Gabin. You are very, I think you're not afraid, not afraid. I am very anti-theist. I'm very, I'm not atheist. I'm very anti-theist, even though I do know it's done good some good for family members who just want some peace and stuff. In general, I think it has been one of the worst things to ever happen in the world. But my I'm trying to not put any of that weight on my child because I know my child is just if it was fucking Roblox, he'd be like, I want to look at Roblox. I know that's what it is right now, but it fills me with such fear because there's such hate and poison in vitriol in these communities, patriotism and religion. It's not all, it's not all, right? But it is mostly that, and I get so afraid that that will be some sort of rebellion against him. I'm like, I'll at least be a Mormon. Be one of like the cool like new religions.

Gavin: 5:58

Mormonism as the cool new religions. It is.

David: 6:01

It was like it wasn't like like the 30s or 40s when it was made up.

Gavin: 6:04

Like not exactly the 30s and the 40s, but you should definitely read um Under the Banner of Heaven.

David: 6:12

I have read it, it's amazing. And I worked in Salt Lake City at Pioneer Theater, and I'm fascinated by it.

Gavin: 6:18

Oh, Under the Banner of Heaven is really great. It's amazing. Well, speaking of not at all religion whatsoever, my daughter's been away at uh a sleepaway camp this week, and it was a volleyball camp, and she was really, really stoked about going to a volleyball camp because she prides herself on her volleyballism, right? Um I'm like, you do realize going to a sports camp means you're going to have to work hard. This isn't this isn't arts and crafts. This is volleyball three times a day for more than 20 minutes, right? Girl, you know she was texting me within two hours. Two hours saying there's no Starbucks here. All caps, this sucks. I hate it. With spelling um errors also involved. And this time I did not correct the errors, snap or you know, take a screenshot and send it back. I was like, uh, hang in there, sweetie, hang in there, sweetie. And I I took off her limits on her social media because I'm like, girl.

David: 7:15

That's such kid canon is to hate your summer camp and just be like, I don't want to be here anymore.

Gavin: 7:19

I can understand though doing like a sports thing three, two, three times a day, right? Um, but you know, she still found a way to say, hey, can I have$40 um so I can buy the swag here? And but she's at a she's basically at a college. She's staying at a bougie um prep school and staying in the dorms and eating food with all the girls and like living a college life. Let me tell you, David, we went through it. The pictures that I sent my partner, because he was dropping off our son at another camp at exactly the same time. Uh, he's like, I could cry looking at this. I mean, she's a grown-up going to college this year and she's only going into high school. It was a it was a thing. But anyway, she's so far made it through, even though she complains every single day and asks for money every single day. But I mean, I'm like, and she's there with a friend, and the other friend um is also complaining about it to those parents. And those parents were like, Do you think we should go up and take him out? And I'm like, hell no. This is called working hard and working through adversity. And that is the name of my memoir because I uh my parenting memoir, because I um our kids don't work hard, you know? They don't, they don't, they don't work hard.

David: 8:28

So um, you know what my kids can do is be weird. My kids have been so weird this week in a way that is like terrifying. So, first of all, my daughter has just decided that it's a funny thing to say, guess because when you know you're what are you gonna be when you grow up? Uh a doctor, a lawyer. Her now thinks she's like, I'm gonna be dead when I grow up. Yep. Like a fucking weirdo. I'm gonna be dead when I grow up. And she laughs because we react like, what the fuck? And it's very strange because she'll say it to anybody. And then also, my son was helping me in the garage the other day because I told you we're moving and we're packing and stuff. And um, I go out of the garage to go do something. I come back in the garage and I'm moving stuff and I was like, why is it wet in here? What the fuck is happening? Like, oh my god, water got in from the roof. And then I'm like, this is weird. And he, my son is just looking at me in a way where I'm like, What did you do? And I'm like, did he pour his drink out? He pissed in the garage. He just pissed in the garage for fun. He just wanted to pee in the garage. And at first I was really like upset and not upset, but like annoyed and like, why did you do this, whatever? And then immediately I was like, you know what? It feels good to pee in the garage, you know? Yeah. I mean and he just goes, I was I was curious and I wanted to pee. I said, All right, dude.

Gavin: 9:41

Okay You know what? That curiosity is really fascinating. One time, confession time, here we're introducing a new sec session uh or a new um element of Gatriarchs into our own confession time about our weird childhoods. I peed in my basement one time. Uh and I remembered being screamed at by my mom. It was seriously traumatizing. And you know what? It's just it really, I mean, I was yikes, three, four, but I do remember, I remember what being screamed at about it. But I gotta say, but like it felt good and you just wanted to do it.

David: 10:16

I guess yeah, it was just a crew. It's a boy thing. I like it. It was just a curiosity thing, I guess.

Gavin: 10:21

I don't feeling good. I don't know even know what you mean by feeling good, but in the sense of like, I just, I don't know, there was a little part of me that what wanted to be naughty?

David: 10:31

A very little part of you, like a three to four inch part of you. Three to four inches from the ground. So yeah, my son peace in the garage and my daughter's gonna be dead when she grows up.

Gavin: 10:44

So that does remind me my son came home from a camp a couple of weeks ago and he said, Um, hey, you know what? I've decided who I want to be when I grow up. Oh, what is that? Well, of course I want to be a soccer player, and then I want to be paid, I want to be a paid sleeper. I'm like, what's that? He's he devised this.

David: 11:05

Because we so sex work is work, but like, I don't think that's what he means.

Gavin: 11:10

He wants to be paid to um try out mattresses.

David: 11:12

Oh, that's a dream job. It's like being paid to be on like Master Chef and just taste all the dishes. Like that's a fucking dream job.

Gavin: 11:19

Yeah, I thought it was really smart. So I hope that um I hope that there's a college out there that will prepare him for that and won't cost me too much money.

David: 11:25

Um, what else is smart? What how can you make us smarter with a dad hack?

Gavin: 11:29

Oh, I mean okay. Uh have you thought about this? Um probably not. Did you set up an email account for your in your kids' names or social media accounts even? And I don't mean using them, but like lock down that serve them, yeah. Davidson at gmail.com kind of situation.

David: 11:47

Well, I have not done their email addresses, but I have done their Instagrams because we we decided early on, because like I was kind of annoyed by people on Facebook who just constantly post pictures of their children. I'm like, enough, nobody cares about your kids. Um and I was like, but also I realized people want the people who want pictures want pictures. So we created two private Instagrams of my kids that we post to every day. So the people who want to see that can just log on and see a ton of pictures, and then they don't have to see it. But I don't have their emails, but that's a good idea. I should get them.

Gavin: 12:15

Lock those down. Yeah, I got my kids. Like I've seen an of a um uh a meme that said something along the lines of, you know, hey, but uh Gen Zier says to me, What is your email address? And my email address is gaven.k.log, right? And they're like, Wait, you have your own name? And I'm like, Yes. Yes, I was there. That's how old I am. I was there at the beginning of the city.

David: 12:34

I was one of the five invitees that got from somebody else's invitation.

Gavin: 12:38

But yeah, um, get those, get those for your kids now before they are sold to the highest bidder in Russia. That's a really great idea. You know what else is a really great idea? What? Well, not quite yet our top three list.

David: 12:51

Yeah, you really you you really faked us all out. Everyone in the just like set up. And then you just created a couple car crashes.

Gavin: 12:58

So um, first of all, there's no good news in uh there's no good gay news, period. Leaving at that. Uh, but I do have well, you know what? We're gonna we're gonna morph the dilf of the week with good gay news, okay? Okay, which is simply that our dilf of the week is Governor Andy Bashir of Kentucky. You've seen him, right?

David: 13:18

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was our Dilf of the Week another time. But it doesn't matter because he's gorgeous. Well, and we love him.

Gavin: 13:26

Thank you. So thank you for clouding over my complete irresponsibility. Um, since our intern, we should name our intern. What is our intern's name? Our intern did not tell me, did not do my homework for me, and tell me that we've already had Andy Bashir. Are you sure? Yeah, we probably have Andy Bashir. Anyway, listen, you think about our intern's name, and then we can blame. I will blame everything, all of my shortcomings on fill in the blank, okay? Anyway, new this just in. Governor Andy Bashir sued the Trump administration to get the 77 million dollars that the feds were withholding from the Kentucky educational funds. And he won. So he beat Trump, and that is not the only reason he's our doof of the week. Also because he's just really cute. And he's so cute.

David: 14:10

He's got such dad energy.

Gavin: 14:12

Love it and he's got great data energy, and he's always just like, hey, everybody, it's Andy. And you're like, how can you not like him for just being, hey everybody, it's Andy.

David: 14:21

So uh but he's got that, like, he's the neighborhood dad who will still run in the mornings, but you know he'll let you blow him behind the Walmart. Do you know what I mean? He's got that vibe. Sorry, mom. Um, do we have an intern name yet? Um uh Joseph Smith.

Gavin: 14:39

Let's think about Mormonism. You've got Mormonism on your mind. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know what isn't Mormon? Our top three list. Gatriarchs, top three list, three, two, one.

David: 14:50

People just snap their neck with that trend.

Gavin: 14:54

I don't like, I don't approve Joseph Smith. Yeah. Okay. Although, unless he's our doof of the week at some point. Okay. Um, okay, so this week is our week. It is our top three dream guests for Gatriarchs. Now, this is not to say that we haven't already had all of our dream guests. Exactly.

David: 15:08

These are guests we haven't had yet.

Gavin: 15:10

All 117 of you or so that have already been on the show, you dream guests. Were actually our dream guests.

David: 15:16

You, the one who still listens to the show after you got your publicity or whatever you needed. You who still listen to the show, you are our dream guest. You are the dream.

Gavin: 15:25

These are our shots in the dark, you know? Um we'll probably have to be at episode 500, and I can't wait for that day. Um, when we these people will be on, we will be on their radars, okay? These are very simple. I can go through these so quickly, and they're not in any particular order. Yes, they are in a particular order. Number three, Neopatrick Harris. Just come on, be on the show. Number two, Anderson Cooper.

David: 15:47

Oh, yeah.

Gavin: 15:47

Please just come be on the show.

David: 15:49

And we can make him laugh and giggle in the way Kathy Griffin does. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I want that.

Gavin: 15:54

He would definitely be drinking. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like it would be required.

David: 15:58

Yeah. And plain and simple, the obvious one. Poop bit peep. This could have been our cold open if you had already hadn't ruined something earlier in the recording. We could have had two for one. Poot beat a jigge. Wow.

Gavin: 16:13

Pete boot a jigge. He would be cheeser number one. And that is so uninteresting because it's so obvious that those would be.

David: 16:19

It is so obvious because it's also on my list. Don't worry. Yeah. Um, yes, but that's a great list. Um, all right. So for me, number three, Greg Berlante. Do you know who Greg Berlante is? No. He's a Hollywood icon. He's like a producer and a screenwriter or whatever. He did like Dawson's Creek and Riverdale, and like he's he's like a big name in television.

Gavin: 16:38

Very metrosexual vibes from the uh-huh.

David: 16:41

He's he's a married gay dad. He has um he has two kids via surrogacy. He did not want to buy my TV show, which I'm very upset about.

Gavin: 16:47

But you would still have him on the show.

David: 16:49

I would still have him on the show just to yell at him. Uh-huh. But you'll notice my top three list is not people just that I like. I have a beef with every three. Oh, good, good, good. Okay. Um, all right. So that's it. Greg Berlanti, you're number three. Uh, number two, Pete Buddig, right there with you.

Gavin: 17:03

Number two?

David: 17:04

He's number two. Wow, I can't wait to see what your number one is. Because I love Pete. I I just love him. And also I have some I have some questions for him. Because if I could move Pete magically 15 years ago, I think he would be the most brilliant, amazing, incredible US president. I don't know if he's right right now because we need an anti-Trump. We need somebody, we need somebody not wonderful and pure wonderful. I don't think Obama could win now. The world has changed. So I anyway, but uh Pete Butterjec, I'm obsessed with you. I love you. Please come on our show. That's number two. Number one, Anita Bryant. Oh, okay. Because I am a spit on her dead cold corpse. And that's who I want for nine number one dream guests. I love all right. Next next week. Next week, in honor of my son who peed in the garage. It is what are the top three most satisfying places to pee?

Gavin: 18:01

Okay. Something great this week. Um, one of those Instagram feeds that I went down a really deep rabbit hole with because it was so, so incredibly entertaining is this woman named Aubrey Gavello. She and her husband slash boyfriend, um, don't know what their situation is, they go to HomeGoods and they do their own home shopping network videos at Home Goods where they say, um, hi, do you have um a lawn gnome dressed in both um Halloween and Christmas albums? And um that that has this face and can also and then they show the delights that they bring out in each other as they're shopping absurdly and ironically through HomeGoods is really infectiously hilarious.

David: 18:46

It's such a good and it's so it's clean humor. It's good, good old-fashioned clean humor. Yeah, but it is so funny.

Gavin: 18:52

Yeah. Do you have a statue, a four-foot-high statue of a skinny, emaciated horse, but green?

David: 18:58

And they turn around and grab it. Oh my god. That's it's great, it's a great series. It works.

Gavin: 19:04

They make me in these in these dark times. I really, really enjoy um Aubrey Gavello.

David: 19:09

How about you? Um, my something great. Well, today is August 6th, and six years ago today, my son Emmett was born. And it is his birthday, and I he's the the kid who made me a dad. And um, he is a kid I love very much, and he's got lots of opinions on things, and he loves sugar, and he loves cartwheels, and he's very funny, and he's a dick a lot of the times now. Um, and he challenges me too much, but he still makes me throw him around. And he's just a great kid, and I love him a lot. Happy birthday, Emmett. Happy birthday, Emmett. And that is our show. If you have any comment, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at katriarchspodcast at gmail.com.

Gavin: 19:56

Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet. David is at DavidFMVaughan everywhere. And Gavin is at Gavin Lodge at church.

David: 20:05

Please leave us a wonderful five-star review wherever you get your podcasts.

Gavin: 20:09

Thanks, and we'll entertain you with Anderson Cooper, Poop Pete Buttigieg, Neil Patrick Harris, Greg Berlante, and Anita Bryant next time on another episode of Gatriarch.