The Two AM Club: "Collecting Stories: A Discussioncast on Embracing Diverse Approaches to Raising Children Around the World.
Welcome to The Two A.M. Club, where we have open and diverse conversations about parenting and partnerships across different cultures. Join us on an amazing journey as we explore the joys and challenges of raising children through the stories of parents from around the world.
Our collection of stories represents a tapestry of cultures and personal experiences. We celebrate our differences and the love we share for our children. While everyone's parenting journey is unique, we find common ground in the experiences that connect us.
Whether you're a new parent, experienced, or simply curious about raising children, The Two A.M. Club has something for you. Expect heartwarming stories, practical advice, and thought-provoking discussions. Our goal is to inspire, support, and connect with parents and partners worldwide.
At The Two A.M. Club, we value open-mindedness, diversity, and honesty. We create a community that embraces the universal journey of parenthood, where love knows no limits. Join us today and be part of a welcoming and supportive community of parents and partners.
We believe that parenthood is a journey filled with joy, challenges, and countless stories that deserve to be shared and in doing so we are collecting stories from parents about their experiences in navigating the intricate paths of parenting and partnership. We understand that parenthood isn't solely about raising children; it's also about nurturing and sustaining strong relationships with our partners.
Our aim is to weave a rich tapestry of stories that celebrate the beautiful, messy, and wonderful world of parenting and partnership. Your stories have the power to inspire and guide others on their path to growth and fulfillment. We are eager to share the triumphs, struggles, and lessons learned along the way. Whether you're seasoned parents or just embarking on this remarkable journey, we invite you to listen to the diverse experiences, insights, and advice that these stories hold.
Join us as we embark on this voyage, hand in hand, as parents and partners. Welcome to our discussioncast, where we embark on an honest and unfiltered journey through parenthood and partnership. As everyday individuals, we deeply empathize with the triumphs and challenges that come with these roles, just like many of you. Each episode of our show explores a wide range of topics and features special guests, offering a glimpse into the diverse experiences and perspectives within our global community. Despite our differences, we all share a common objective: navigating these challenges and joys in our own unique way.
The Two AM Club: "Collecting Stories: A Discussioncast on Embracing Diverse Approaches to Raising Children Around the World.
"Healing the Inner Child for Better Parenting: As a Child, I Can Forgive You, but as a Parent, How Dare You? "
"Healing the Inner Child for Better Parenting: As a Child, I Can Forgive You, but as a Parent, How Dare You? "
In our latest podcast episode, I take the first steps on a deeply personal journey of healing. This episode marks the beginning of a transformative exploration, one that acknowledges the challenges ahead as I navigate the complexities of childhood trauma, repressed emotions, and the lasting impact of my father's choices on my life.
Childhood trauma often casts long shadows on our adult lives, shaping our perceptions, emotions, and relationships. It's a journey where I confront the echoes of my past, particularly those originating from my father, and acknowledge the profound influence it has had on my journey as a parent.
The poignant realization, "As a child, I can forgive you, but as a parent, how dare you," becomes a powerful catalyst as I delve into the complex web of repressed feelings. My father's sacrifices, which often prioritized his goals over my childhood, come into sharp focus. These sacrifices had a profound impact, shaping my experience in ways I'm only now beginning to comprehend.
Becoming a parent myself has opened doors to emotions and questions I've long suppressed. It's a tumultuous process, marked by moments of sadness and depression that I can no longer ignore.
In this episode, I also grapple with the profound notion that I am my father's biggest failure. While my father may have achieved success in business, he fell short in his role as a parent. This revelation adds depth to my journey as I seek to understand the emotional burdens I've inherited and the impact they have on my ability to parent effectively.
Furthermore, I reflect on how this period might be my mind and body finally taking time to heal from the PTSD of my child's birth. My wife's recovery has given me the space and support to begin confronting these long-buried feelings.
In this transformative journey, my wife serves as my unwavering support system, providing the strength and understanding upon which I can depend. She stands by my side as I navigate the complexities of my past and the challenges of the present, offering solace and encouragement.
This journey is not about self-forgiveness at its outset but rather about self-discovery and awareness. It's about recognizing the emotional baggage I carry and the impact it has on my ability to parent effectively. Through self-awareness and with the support of my spouse, I begin to untangle the knots of repressed feelings and embark on a path towards greater emotional freedom.
As I begin to navigate this journey of self-awareness and healing, I acknowledge that it's not a simple task. It's a path filled with challenges, but it's also a path towards personal growth, self-compassion, and, ultimately, becoming the parent I aspire to be—loving, compassionate, and free from the burdens of my past.
Join me as I take these first steps on the path to healing, recognizing that this journey is just the beginning of a transformation that will lead to a greater understanding of myself and the ability to provide a nurturing environment for my own child, with my wife as my steadfast pillar of support.
Hello and welcome to our podcast, the 2am club.
Speaker 2:The Honey Bunny, how are you doing my?
Speaker 1:love. I'm good. How are you? You're good. You're not tired anymore, Not like the beginning of our last episode.
Speaker 2:No, I'm kind of awake. Kind of awake. You've already a couple of my energies, so we actually just recorded an episode. So you know how it is as a podcaster. The idea is to always record in advance, so you have you know if there's anything coming in between. You have a couple episodes in the pipeline.
Speaker 1:Plus, it's also very difficult to you also have to record when people are willing to record and have the time to record Exactly exactly as every second of our episodes is with guests.
Speaker 2:so that's why.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:And yeah, so we just recorded an early one because we just had our first cross-border podcast and I think that's going to be a game changer, because now we're able to interview our friends all over the world.
Speaker 1:That can come to Dubai.
Speaker 2:Exactly, or we can't go to them. Yeah, so we just had a beautiful episode with our friends from Texas. It was 6am and for them it was 9pm. They go to bat now and our day is starting.
Speaker 1:Exactly, it was a great episode.
Speaker 2:It was amazing. I'm still very inspired and just feel really good about this.
Speaker 1:Right, everything like every single podcast. The more podcasts that we do, the more I really don't like to use the word podcast, because it's really more of a discussion cast right. It's really a discussion we have with other parents. The more discussions we have with parents, the better I always feel afterwards because I'm like, oh, this is really like I'm learning something. People are sharing their stories and it just feels right, it feels super right.
Speaker 2:I agree, I think it's so beautiful to just get to know all the different concepts, to know you're not alone and to just talk about things that maybe you don't talk about. That, naturally, when you just get together in this way, yeah, it's always very I don't know, just very energizing. I think, yeah, I feel energized afterwards, I really feel positive or inspired and, yeah, I really like what we're starting to do here.
Speaker 1:Exactly, yeah, well, we had a hell of a week.
Speaker 2:We had a hell of a week, did we?
Speaker 1:Yes, we did.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm just recapturing. It's like, yep, it was exciting. I think it's the last two weeks actually that were exciting. We had the first blood.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I forgot about that one actually. I actually forgot about that one.
Speaker 2:Yep Moura Nui falling on his face, having a cut in the mouth and a lot of bleeding. That was our first little scare.
Speaker 1:That healed quite fast actually. I'm so happy that he has daddy's DNA blood type like body type that heals super fast.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it is crazy this roller coaster. Yeah, but imagine, I mean in that moment that felt like the world is going under Was that last? Week? Yes, that was last week. Damn, that's like one and a half weeks ago.
Speaker 1:I feel like it felt like it happened, wow, okay, I really forgot about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we had the first blood. He recovered quickly Of course. He fell with his head down from the couch, which we have never run.
Speaker 1:No, it wasn't the couch, it was over there. No, no, no, that was the second fall. Yes, exactly. The second fall, the same. No, it was the next day. Oh my God, it was the next day, I think by coincidence, my honey bunny recorded that Exactly. It's on video. I can slow motion it all the time.
Speaker 2:Then we had a great weekend with our friends that all now are slowly returning to Dubai, and we had a little party time and we woke up in the middle because we were singing karaoke.
Speaker 1:Mama was singing KTV.
Speaker 2:Mama got a little drunk and yeah, I think, yeah, but I think he enjoyed the party because he woke up at what 10 pm? Because, we're singing so beautifully? Exactly, and he joined our party yeah, a bit worried about his nanae and mama, I think, because we're both having a lot of fun singing into the microphones. Yeah, what else happened Then? My honey bunny?
Speaker 1:Got a UTI. And that was I think 39.6 fever, cold shivers, then extreme hot and sweaty, and I didn't know what it was.
Speaker 2:And that was scary because you know, to be honest, my honey bunny is supposed to be the rock and my honey bunny is the rock, and when the rock falls, that's really hard and not acceptable.
Speaker 1:I rarely fall sick. This is something, and especially I mean we got our vaccinations were updated because we're going to Nepal next week, so we kind of I kind of thought it was just a vaccination, you know, fever type, but this was totally different.
Speaker 2:And it was very sudden.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it was kind of burning when I was peeing. I couldn't pee that much because it was like droplets and I had just constantly wanting. I actually put when a nuice diaper in my underwear because I was just sick and tired of getting up all the time for just little droplets of pee. So I was like, but this was really tough, like I really I was afraid, yeah, I really, because I didn't know what it was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think you're just not used to being sick. I'm not used to you being sick and you're not used to be sick, you don't. You know, for me, I was like, okay, I know what to do and how to handle it and I know my body and I know that's a cold and that's this and that's that. But as you are not sick, and I think you also haven't been sick when you were a kid, a lot, so this whole sickness thingy.
Speaker 1:I mean, if I was, I mean I get that healing, that Islander healing where it was. You put VIX everywhere and you know, and yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think I mean this whole sickness part right, all this medicaid does more in my territory. Because, yeah, I grew up with this. You know, I would say I'm more the typical in the winter you catch a cold and then you do this and you do that. That's just the way I grew up and I learned from my mom or my parents and, yeah, I think no, the scary part was I knew the fever is high with 39.6. It happened very quickly. I was actually still working. Then Nana was not, was out. I called her to come back to take care of Wunanui and then, of course, we didn't know it's infectious, and but I was just so worried about the fever because the fever was really high, you were boiling, you were boiling.
Speaker 1:And that can be dangerous quickly right For adults to have and it hit me like because in the morning dropped off Wunanui, everything was totally fine. Went to the gym, did the physio for my leg, did some upper body, then made lunch and prepared Wunanui's lunch and breakfast for the next day. Went to go pick up Wunanui, who hit the aquarium with him. Came back home and boom.
Speaker 2:I was on the floor.
Speaker 1:But I was already lying on the floor to play with him, but then it just started going all downhill from there.
Speaker 2:Luckily here. I mean I could text our doctor and then also when you mentioned that or when I realized you're going to pee a lot, I was already suspicious that's a UTI, because I had them quite a bit as a teenager and in my early twenties, but I wasn't really aware that man could have UTI.
Speaker 1:I never thought that man could have UTIs, because I know a lot of women who have UTIs. So for me it was like there was no way this is a UTI. Because I was like men don't get this. And it was just another. Because then the doctor was like, yeah, it's probably UTI. And then took a P sample and she's like, yep, it's a UTI. And then I was like, oh wow, I didn't know men. Again she's like oh, yeah, a lot of men actually get it. And I told some of my D&D group friends and some other friends and then they're like, oh yeah, I've got it before. And my other friends are like, oh, yeah, I've had it. And I was like, oh what? Like nobody talks about it. It goes again to say like men just don't like to share. You know this kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean one of my friends who I said that he was like yeah, what are we going to do? Sit around the barbecue on a Saturday? I was like how was your week? Oh, how do you, tia? I was like yeah that's what you should do, like you should tell because it was, and it affected you, that affected me. It was a big surprise, because I didn't know that we could actually get that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly Even the teacher at Wunanui's nursery.
Speaker 1:She was surprised. She was like, oh, I didn't know men could get that too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I shared it actually, because I went in the morning then to drop Wunanui off, which normally we do together, and I was alone and I'm like, oh yeah, daddy is sick so I'll pick him up later as well. He has a UTI and, honestly, I'm really proactively talking about it now because I want people to know that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I'm the same Like I share everything you know me. I'm really open and I tell everybody, and I have no shame in saying that, yeah, I had a UTI, there's nothing wrong with it. Yeah, but yeah, I think this is really. This is really a problematic, a male problematic. You know they don't.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this masculine we don't share information, but then Wunanui got sick. Yeah, and then I mean just to finish off the UTI part, you went to the, I'll come back to it afterwards.
Speaker 1:Okay, because there was this part about the whole, I want to tie it up with the parenting part.
Speaker 2:Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 1:No, because I think we should finish off the weekend and then I'll come back to it. Okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, so I mean Mahadevani then saw the doctor, got antibiotics and felt much, much better already two days after. So I mean that's a good thing. Once you realize what it is, you can treat us, treat it luckily also quite well with antibiotics and they worked. So this was very good.
Speaker 1:But yeah, we then had I don't know when it started- Two days after, when I was human, when I was like 99.9%.
Speaker 2:And, by the way, one of the causes of your UTI was that you do not drink enough.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And I think this is also has to do with raising a kid where you simply, you know, forget you just forget and I think it's so important to remember because, yeah, you have to function, because otherwise there's a problem and, as hard as that sounds right, and yeah, because then what happened? Moon Anu has. Moon Anu has Two week nursery.
Speaker 1:Boom, boom. You know how it is Take all my money for nursery and we will give you viruses. That's that's how it is. But when Anui got sick but it's always the same stuff he's teeding. At the same time His back molars are coming out. Low immune, as Dr Barber would say. Low immune system plus nursery equals viruses, equals sickness. This is just what it is. But he's already much better today compared to before. But now I want to tie in. So the thing is, when I had my UTI, when you brought Moon Anui to school that day, this was the first time that I was not there to bring Moon Anui to school and for me I was crying on the couch when he sent me that picture of you guys in the taxi and it really felt like that was. It was so much more painful than actually the UTI itself.
Speaker 2:Crazy huh.
Speaker 1:Which is really crazy, right, it's really really crazy.
Speaker 2:As much as you pitch a moan about him.
Speaker 1:Like I'm the only one who does.
Speaker 2:No, but of course, yeah, I understand this was, and I also didn't let him go into your room because at the time we didn't know yet what it is, and we didn't want him to, couldn't kiss him goodnight sleep. Exactly, but I mean, I had it already.
Speaker 1:You had it already.
Speaker 2:Because I was. You know my immune system. It doesn't work like yours. So I had several topics already, so I know like really how it is to be in care and time from him. But yeah, for you it was the first time indeed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was the first time. I didn't know it would be that tough. Yeah, and I was so happy when because I asked Dr Barbara right away I was like is it, you know, can he catch it? And she's like no, and I was like, oh, thank God, like you know, you can cuddle and kissy, kissy. Exactly, and I also don't want it. But the thing is, I also don't want him to go through what I was going through. Yeah, this is also something that was pretty hard yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't know some of my friends on Facebook or Instagram, I don't remember Like. Yep seems to be never quiet in your house and we're like yeah no, there's always something, let it be sickness or any kind of events.
Speaker 1:But I mean, it was never quite already before, but now it just became even more Accelerate it.
Speaker 2:And I think it was a reminder. I mean you being down, I mean and now I'm joking about it, but it is not normal, yeah. And I think also, uti is. As I remember, when I had it as a teenager and later in my teens actually my university time it was very, very closely related to stress as well, because when you're stressed you forget to drink. So that was the first time where I was thinking okay, my honey bunny is stressed, my honey bunny needs to slow down, because you are also very active. I mean, to be fair, you do the main work here with the podcast. You are actively now going to those mommy groups advocating for stay-at-home dads, which is all, on the one hand, stressful in terms of simply organizing it and doing it, but of course, also mentally, and I think, yeah, we just have to take care of ourselves that we don't burn out, that we don't do too many things at the same time, and we have to take actually this weekend.
Speaker 2:It's the first weekend that we it has been super quiet and we're at home and we're just chilling. And I mean, with Munanui being sick, honestly it's perfect timing. I mean I'm not happy for him being sick, but it's just like a chill, you know, just with a couple chill days at home. I think it is so, so needed. Yeah, and we have to remind ourselves to slow down from time to time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, plus all the maintenance work and all the other stuff, and then I also feel so I'm going through this phase right now. I have a lot of emotions. I have a lot of I call it hormonal, I guess, is the best way to put it. I have these emotions, that waves of emotions of happiness, sadness, anger, that come and go, and I used the word depression just the other night right for the first time. Yeah, so I have a lot of father issues, as one can imagine, and now with having a child, I think there's a lot of it comes out A lot of stuff that I was never able to heal, that I kind of put away for a long time.
Speaker 1:Now, with having a child, it brought everything up, I guess, because my mind and my body is telling me you need to heal this in order for you to be a better parent and for you to not mess up the same way you were messed up by your parents, especially on my father's side.
Speaker 1:And so I really feel like I'm going through something Like I would stand in a corner watch Munanui playing with Svenja and it would just be super happy and just so overwhelmed with this joy of how beautiful and amazing our life is and how happy I am. And then I would have this thought in the back of my mind of did your father ever feel this? Was he ever in a position like this, looking at you and just being happy and thinking this is the most amazing thing ever? And if he did, or when he had that, how could he not share that? How could he be so hard? And so, yeah, it's. And then these emotions, the sadness, this just overwhelms me because I cannot understand. And I think, julie, what she said in the last podcast really hit home, that really you know, and as a daughter I can forgive you, but as a parent, how dare you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is such a yeah, this is.
Speaker 1:I mean, you can see almost.
Speaker 2:Wow, that was a very powerful, powerful note yeah, just what a sentence. And, yeah, I can feel it. Yeah, there is this very deep sadness in you where you realize, because you just see all that love that you have, you feel all those emotions that you have for Muna Nui and me, and you just cannot understand, or now can even less understand, your dad, I think before it was. Yes, you know, you were the son and you were mad and angry, but now, being a parent, you see it out of a different perspective.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's a little. So it's very normal that me and my dad don't speak right Do we get into these every? You know, I think the longest we haven't spoken one time was like five years or something like that out of some issue that whatever happened happened and you know he wouldn't talk to me anymore because I somehow didn't live up to his expectations or did something that he didn't like, which always, you know, my father's always this kind of person where it's everybody else's fault, not his you know, but now it's been two months since he hasn't talked to me again.
Speaker 1:The last time we talked he sent over a book of his life for Muna Nui with our family ring, which I was only supposed to get when he dies. So that was already a big what's going on there. And then in the book which is an amazing life he lived, was really about him, but I wasn't in there. There was no part, there was no chapter of him being a father, which I am a part of his life, yeah, like my life is, you know, chef, motorcycle, like that's my whole life. But Muna Nui being married my mom was not in the book. Yeah, being married, having a child, that's also something in your life. It's not only you know. Having his business being, you know, traveling around the world, yeah, and then having his apartments, and like Jaime was in the book more than I was.
Speaker 1:Jaime being my dad's right hand man, the person I always asked my dad is Jaime, the son that you wish you had? And I was telling them that I was, like Jaime's always the son you wish you had, and he always told me no, no, that's not true and I'm like. I know it is. You just don't want to say it, but I can feel it. And when he gave me that book and it was for Muna Nui to learn about his grandfather it really even shone more because of the fact that and his wife, his new wife, is in there, his daughter is in there, but I'm I think there's one picture or two pictures inside, but it's like I'm a blimp, it's like I'm this little picture inside of his whole life. But I also feel that my dad is very, I'm very successful. I came from nothing and build up my empire and yeah which is really true, but I'm his biggest failure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and when you said that the other day and that this is the reason why he does not focus on this chapter, it is exactly because of that. He knows he failed you and in his role as a father he failed, and he is old and he simply doesn't want to admit it.
Speaker 1:And I know, and I know what his answer is going to be yeah, but I did the best I could. I did the best I could with the tools I had and I could answer him directly when you built your, your empire of companies and real estate, you also, you didn't do the best you could. You did the best, that's it. You sacrificed your life, my childhood, to be the best at that, without any tools, without knowing how to do it. You didn't do the best you could. You did the best and for me, you did the best you could. And you know, and yeah, I was his failure, and the failure is the stuff you don't want to talk about. Yeah, and I can feel it in that book that that's what it is.
Speaker 2:And I think I mean that's what makes me so sad, right, Because I know there's so many things that you didn't get to experience as a kid and I think that's not what you're going through, because you see that right, like planning the first Christmas, the Christmas tree and presents under the tree and getting all excited in that period of the time you unfortunately didn't experience that as a kid and traveling with Muna Nui, I did get all that stuff.
Speaker 1:I mean, I traveled back and forth between Tahiti and America, which was super lucky, but I was alone traveling. I traveled with my mom and my stepdad. We did the whole highway up the California coast, which was awesome. Arizona, this was really cool. Yeah, you know, like a couple years back my dad texted. They went on a trip with his new wife and his kid not the daughter, but his new wife. They went to Belgium to meet all the Hofnagels and everything like that. He never did that with me. I've never been to Belgium yet he never did that with me.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:I know this is. Nothing, nothing of that sort. And again it's because he had his companies and he was busy working and fair enough, that's fine. You sacrificed all of that for.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 1:For your company.
Speaker 2:And I think now he realizes that he is alone. Actually, yes, he's married. His new wife has a daughter, but he also knows you know the whole story with it. That was not a marriage out of love, and I think we're all aware.
Speaker 1:Yeah so, but that was really. That was that moment kind of like, oh shit, I'm his failure, I'm his black dot on this beautiful shiny shield, 不知道 little black spot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think yeah, and it really hurts me seeing you that sad and I'm happy that you're talking about it today, because I know how hard it is to talk about it for you. Even with me, you don't talk about it that much and you need to be ready Because you know the stories already.
Speaker 2:Of course, I know the stories, but I think it's just important to talk about it, to, yeah, just also start processing it.
Speaker 2:And I told you when you talked about depression the last time when you brought it up, I again said, okay, let's think about whether you want to go to therapy, because and I asked actually you several times and since Munan we was born, because when we went to that baby massage class and I know you really didn't like it, but I think it was a good point from the lady that was running it when we shared our birth story, she said, okay, you two, clearly you know there's some PTSD there. That was a very traumatic experience and, yeah, you might want to ask for help when you need it. And I think and I always offer this right, like, tell me when we need to look for someone to support us. So you with those feelings, because they can be overwhelming, and I think from my side I feel okay, also with the birth story, I do not have those feelings. Even I also have lots of dead issues, but we can get to that someone at another point.
Speaker 1:That's a whole other episode.
Speaker 2:But really I can truly say right now I don't have those feelings like you do, I'm not looking now due to having Munanui, I'm not going to my childhood and having those sad feelings because, yeah, it was just different problems and maybe it comes later. Because I think that was very interesting today when we spoke to our friends from Texas where they said you know, your trauma is typically triggered at a time when your kids are in the age where you experience the trauma. And wow, that was mind blowing, right. So I believe that for you, your trauma as a kid started as early as you know, baby age, right now. And you remember that now and even not consciously but unconsciously.
Speaker 2:And, yeah, I think we have to watch out. You need to really, you know, look inside of you. Are you going to be able to deal with that by yourself? Am I going to be enough to talk to? You know, our support system is that going to be enough or do we need help from someone? Because, yeah, it is not easy. And the situation with your dad I think what came on top was also when you learned that we're pregnant, that I think you were also hopeful that that could change something in this relationship Exactly.
Speaker 1:I was really hoping that he would come around he would come around, become wiser.
Speaker 1:You know they always say with old age brings wiseness, but I think old age just brings on more stubbornness. You're just more stubborn in the way you think and. But I think also the thing is like when Wunanui was born and like you said, you have healed from that hole, you healed from that PTSD. And remember we had this discussion in the beginning where we, I remember one night or was it a morning, we were both crying on the bed and in the beginning and overwhelmed with all of this. And then you said like and you were really going through your postpartum depression like this was really, really the tough. Yeah, you couldn't be alone with Wunanui, you were just a wreck, yeah. And you said you also need to heal from it.
Speaker 1:And I was like I cannot right now because we both need to be. We both cannot be in that depressive spot at the same time. So I pushed it away, because I'm used to that. I'm really used to pushing those feelings to push it away, because I mean that's what my dad always taught me. I mean the last thing my dad said before he hung up on me two months ago, he was like you need to learn how to get over that, and that's the way I've been brought up was just to learn how to get over it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that was what I did was I was like we cannot be both depressed and dealing with this situation right now. One of us has to be stronger and I can deal with it later. Yeah, and you need to heal, you need to heal. You need it to heal physically and you also need it to heal mentally at the same time, and I think maybe my mind now and my body now knows that you've healed from it, and my mind is like okay now it's your time to heal and I think this is where I'm at right now is I am at that point where I need to heal.
Speaker 1:I need to heal that. I need to heal that little boy inside and I also need to heal. From Munanui's birth I need to. But somehow, the little boy inside, he just needs more work. He just it's just so much more harder. Yeah, and it's really, it's really crazy, because I have these feelings of joy where I just see you guys and I see Munanui and the way he's growing, and it just makes me so happy, you know. And then I just get these thoughts of sadness of how can my dad not feel this way and how could he be the way he was with me, feeling the feelings that I feel right now, looking at my son, and it's really like how dare you?
Speaker 2:Yeah and I know there's a lot of anger from your side a completely new perspective that you didn't have before. No, and it's really that.
Speaker 1:That's a perspective I never had before, and this is also remember when we when, long time ago, when we talked about having kids and I said I don't want to have kids because I never want to be my father, and it's still my fear today. I never I don't want to be my father.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, but you will not be.
Speaker 1:I know, but it's still. It's really hard yeah.
Speaker 2:I know, I know and I am so sorry you had to go through that and I'm here. We are here. You know we are here. I know that you're here.
Speaker 1:I know that that's not.
Speaker 2:I know you without a doubt.
Speaker 1:I 100% know that, yeah, yeah, but it's just, it's really. I mean, this whole parenting journey is just this roller coaster of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of emotions and and and bringing up it really just opens up the, the whole Pandora box, a whole Pandora box. Yeah, it's like looking into your, looking into your baby self and like, like we said on the last episode, I know I'm gonna fuck up, like I know Munanui is gonna hate me and and of course, I'm also, you know, I'm gonna fuck up. In some spaces he's gonna have scars from what I did as a parent, but I don't want him to have the same scars I had from my parent, from my father. Yeah, and this is something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is really, it's really crazy yeah, yeah, I think you also didn't expect that to happen. I think it was more. You said that, okay, you're afraid not to be a good dad, but I think you also know that you are now but, more than before, I think, but now actually that those feelings would come back.
Speaker 1:I guess that was something else but this is where I even doubled down more on the fatherhood is because I'm not doing the best I can of course you are no, no, but what I mean is is really, I do the best because I doubled down on the fact that I don't want him to say, yeah, yeah, my dad did the best he could. Yeah, no, it's unacceptable.
Speaker 2:And like you said, you know, I mean, what's our goal here, and I think that becomes now even more clear. Our goal is that we want him to want spend Christmas with us when he grows up. And you know now, as we're planning our next trip with my parents yeah, coming next week and we're going to Nepal I really, truly just want them to have a good time and I truly want to give something back. You know, because I know how much they sacrificed and I know how hard it was for them and and then, and, but I had an amazing childhood nevertheless, you know, because they did what they did this is where I feel like my mom.
Speaker 1:She was a big sacrifice, sir, you know. I mean, the funny thing is I am when I grew up and my dad sent me off to Tahiti yeah, for school reasons. And for me as a kid, I felt he always sent me off because he, he didn't want me there. And that's how I felt growing up and I remember my mom always saying oh, your daddy's little boy, because I always felt I had to to do everything to get his love and attention. But now that I'm older I just realize and I see how much my mom sacrificed for us and how much.
Speaker 1:And now I'm like a mommy's boy because she gave everything for us and still does. Yeah, and I'd you know, like that's why, like I look back now on the trauma that I had, yeah, that my mom is like you know, once in a while she's super author, authoritarian, a little bit like you, but very strong woman, self-sacrificing 100%. She's self-sacrificed for everything. And I know, I know the only reason why I'm born is because it's because my mom, my mom, escaped to Tahiti to have me because she was pregnant with another kid before me from my dad and he forced her to have an abortion because he didn't want to have kids. And then I that's why I was born in Tahiti and like that was that was already the first sign of her sacrifice. And I'm just like you know you don't see it as a kid, but you get older and then you see these things and you're like, oh damn yeah, she run away, so she would be able to give birth to you yeah, so actually technically what you're, that's really true.
Speaker 1:My, my, my whole. My mother's pregnancy was probably under fear and she had to run away and.
Speaker 1:I was in that belly. I mean, I talked about it with my mom like two or three weeks ago and I remember I can still see her tears running down and and for her it's as if it says this would happen the same day, like her emotions, the tears she had, everything you never, you never really truly heal from something like that. I could feel that through her, I could see it in her eyes, I can see it in the tears, you know, and I could just see that she still was hurt by all of that and yeah, and that was yeah, so I love you mama, but yeah, so sorry guys it's an emotional one but this month has been really emotional for me.
Speaker 1:This has been. It's a lot of different emotions going and going and coming and I can't put my. I can't really can't really put my finger on what exactly it is, but there's just so much stuff going on and I can really feel that I need to heal from from that whole, from that whole mess. Yeah and yeah, so great two weeks. I think it's just a message that you just need to, as a parent. You really need to to heal, heal that inner self in order for you to be better, right?
Speaker 2:yeah, I think I'm sorry. I'm just, I tried to do some selfies while we're crying here, which is a bit weird but but the reason I'm doing this because, I mean, we always said we want to be authentic, right and want to share the way things are and that's how things are here. Yeah, and this is the topic that is is, especially for you right now, very, very hard, and I'm trying to be there. I don't know what I'm doing. A good, oh, you're doing an awesome job.
Speaker 1:I also think, if Muna Nui looks back at this or listens to this later on in life, I also want him to to learn the fact that you can.
Speaker 1:You need to be open yeah you don't need to press everything down into into this black ball of just pain and anger and everything. You need to talk about it. You need to, you need to let it out. You need to have a discussion. You can hurt yeah, that's normal. That that it hurts, yeah, but you need. You shouldn't hurt in silence. You shouldn't shine and light and, as you would say in German, no suffering in silence.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I also wanted to see that we cry, because crying is okay and it's it's good that he sees daddy cry and mommy cry. That's an emotion and this is totally fine. I think this is, this is actually our strength, that we can, that we can show that and the strength is that we're confident enough to show it yeah, because it's just a confidence that nothing can break us yeah, no, it cannot you cannot.
Speaker 2:On the contrary, it makes us stronger and, yeah, we will get through this and you will get through this. I know, and I know this is not an easy one and exactly it will take time and there will be many more of those moments that maybe will make you cry. Yeah, and this will come more and more, but I think, yeah, as long as we speak about it, we get help. If we need it, then that's all we can do and that will be enough. Yeah, we're here where you rock.
Speaker 2:I know and I love you, my beauty baby. I love you too, my honey bunny.
Speaker 1:I think that's how we end this podcast. Yeah, in openness and hardness and confidence, love.
Speaker 2:I'm looking, oh, and that's a very loud door. You know what that means our little baby is coming.
Speaker 1:I love you, my baby.