#134 - Why Your Plan Isn’t Giving You Peace {Reflections}

Your brain loves a plan, but that doesn’t mean your plan is love. We tell a story from a pilgrimage in Israel where our guide refused to share the itinerary, and it instantly revealed how quickly the ego reaches for control when certainty disappears. If you’ve ever felt anxious when you don’t know what’s next, this conversation puts language to that feeling and offers a path through it.

We dig into why predictability feels like safety at a nervous system level and why the unknown can trigger a spike of anxiety. Control can look like responsibility, but it can also be a strategy to avoid embarrassment, pain, loss, or looking incompetent. We talk about the “illusion of safety,” how the ego tries to stabilize life by demanding clarity, and why real growth often requires dissonance and discomfort, the same way learning requires new ideas that stretch you.

Then we get practical. We share simple ways to build the muscle of letting go: letting someone else choose your meal, taking a different route home, delaying the urge to Google or track, practicing outcome openness, and scheduling unstructured time as a kind of spiritual and emotional weight training. We close with the story of Abraham and Sarah as a picture of faith as movement from the familiar to the unfamiliar without a map.

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Transcript

Why Control Feels Like Safety

Discomfort As A Path To Growth

Simple Practices To Release Control

Abraham’s Journey Into The Unknown

Share The Show And Visit Central

SPEAKER_00 0:16

What is up everybody? Hey, this is Ryan, and welcome to our Reflections podcast. A couple years ago, I was in Israel and we were doing a pilgrimage out there, and we were with Kent Dobson, who's awesome. And it was Kent and a bunch of friends of mine from Central. And we we like we we learned uh a couple days in that like Kent wasn't gonna tell us the plan for every day. Like we'd get up in the morning and we would just leave, and like he we we didn't know where we were going, and he wouldn't tell us. And our people were getting a little bit frustrated, like, why won't he tell us? Like, and so I'll ask him. So I go up to Kent, like, hey dude, hey, why won't you tell us where we're going? And you know, sometimes you'll go to a trip and they'll give you like an itinerary and like day three, you're gonna hit these spots, and then day four. He did not do that. And I go, why don't you want to tell us? He's like, Oh, it's on purpose, it's intentional. I'm like, Well, why? He goes, uh, because most people long for control, and it's the ego, it's not like it's a good or bad thing, but the ego wants to be in control, and I want them to learn how to like build this muscle, like letting go of control. I was like, Oh, so he like wouldn't tell us anywhere we're going, and they had to like just continually build this muscle, like not knowing and being okay with it, and it was like throwing people into like a bath of ice water, they did not like it because we love control, and here's why I think like control for many of us means safety, or at least the illusion of it, because really deep down, it it's impossible to be totally safe all the time. But but our brain loves predictability because uh predictability predictability it's a tongue twister for me. Predictability means survival, you know. Like, think about our our ancestors, like and if you could predict, then you could survive. And surprise was often a potential threat, maybe a predator or someone's gonna eat you. And the unknown, if you lived in the unknown, it usually meant like this this spike in anxiety. And so, like knowing the plan in any given day feels like safety, because that's kind of how we're hardwired, and not knowing feels like you're vulnerable and maybe vulnerable to danger or to something that would uh it would cause harm. And so, like, we just we love control because it means safety. Also, the ego's job is to bring stability, and this isn't bad, it's just part of who we are, and it's the part of us that says, Hey, I know who I am, I know how things work, I can manage the outcomes, but this can get dark when the ego begins to say things like, Hey, in order for me to like be present or enjoy life, I must understand everything. Or I must anticipate everything, or I must prevent discomfort in every way. And that's impossible because we know the only way to like to understand everything or to anticipate everything or to prevent discomfort all across the board is to like lock yourself into a hotel room and like bubble wrap yourself or bubble wrap the room and never leave. And that's not life. That but that's the only way to control everything, and even then you couldn't control if an earthquake happened or, you know, I don't know, the sun, you know, exploded or whatever. But like that's not life. And then lastly, control is often about like us managing our own anxiety and our fears of things like embarrassment or pain or loss or looking incompetent. When, you know, if we can can control our situations, then we'll never be embarrassed. We'll never be, you know, we'll never experience pain or loss or looking dumb or being dependent on others. And and so I, if I can can control everything, I'll never look embarrassed because I'll never put myself in that position. And uh, but so here's the thing: pilgrimages, which is what we were on in Israel, it intentionally removed, you know, our knowledge of what we were doing, it removed our control, it removed comfort, and it removed our uh ability to predict what was going to happen. And uh, and here's why, why Kent did it, because only in these moments, when when you let go of control, can true transformation happen. If you have no, like, if you only control everything, uh you'll never experience dissonance, like this idea of like things being different or new or uncomfortable. And and those are the things that actually help you grow. Like when you read a new book, it's like it creates what they call cognitive dissonance. It actually is a new idea that makes you a bit uncomfortable because you've never heard of that idea before. And that's a good thing because that's how you get smarter, that's how you learn new things, is by causing dissonance. And life is the exact same way. And so when you intentionally create like moments of discomfort in your life or unpredictability, or things like where you just don't know, it can lead to incredible growth and transformation. So here's what I want to do. I would love to invite you to begin to strengthen this muscle of like letting go of control. Because here's the reality: most of us control very little in our lives. It's all an illusion anyway. And I'm look, I'm not a fatalist, I'm not a Calvinist, but most things in your life you cannot control. You can't control if it's gonna rain today, you can't control um, you know, what uh whether or not we're gonna go to war tomorrow, you didn't control where you were born, who your parents would be. You don't control very much at all in your life. And so our ability to like let go of control, to be flexible, and to live in the discomfort can lead to some incredibly beautiful places of transformation. So uh now, before you have a heart attack and want to stone me, here's some cool ways to like practice this. One, next time you go out with some friends, like to a restaurant or to a movie, just pick your choices randomly. So like go to the restaurant, hey, uh ask the waiter, what do you recommend? And and eat whatever they recommend. You're letting go of control and giving them control, and you're just at the at the whim, whatever they order or what they want to you know order for you. And then like let when you go to the movies, like just pick a random movie and go see something that you didn't pick or choose, or let your friend choose. Um, or take a different road uh route home, like get lost a bit intentionally, and uh you're bit you'll begin to teach your nervous system like, hey, it's okay, unknown doesn't always mean danger. And you'll actually rewire your nervous system. And surprise or surprises don't mean catastrophe. So there's that. One, you can or number two, so number one, you can like just pick random things at a restaurant or a movie theater or a different way home. Number two, you can like delay this need to know, like we want to know things and we want to know them now, if you're like me. And so if you need clarity in your day, wait 10 minutes or five, if you can't like wait a whole 10, to like to know. So here, for example, don't immediately check Google for whatever symptoms you're having. If you're like not feeling good, like don't go into Google right away and just check your symptoms, like just live in the ambiguity for a minute. Um, don't immediately you know uh check your kids' tracking information, like where's my kid or where's my wife? Like just delay the the need to know. Um, and this will build like distress tolerance in your in your body because most of the time, things are gonna be just fine. You're gonna live. Um, and Google may not help you at all with your symptoms. And and most of them your your spouse or your kids are just fine, they're safe, they'll be you home any moment, but you don't have to know everything all the time, right in the moment. Okay, you can also you can also do this. You can practice what we call like outcome openness, like let the outcomes be whatever the outcomes will be. And so, as opposed to like going into an event or a thing and like and like thinking, gosh, this better go well for me, or or my life will be ruined. Rather, just say, hey, whatever happens, I'm just here, I'm gonna give my all, and whatever happens, happens. And like let go of the outcome and practice this idea of outcome openness. Okay, one more. I think this is number three, four, I forget. The next one schedule some uh unstructured or unplanned time in your day, especially if you're like a high performing, high capacity, high leadership type A person. Again, don't stummy, but like take two hours and just don't schedule it and make no plan and just see where those two hours take you. Like walk somewhere and with no headphones, no podcast or music, just and just walk and see where you go. Or drive similarly, like with no destination in mind, just drive and just drive for the sake of the drive and like surrender to the outcome and just enjoy the drive. And like this is like like like spiritual or like nervous system weight training, and just see what happens. And you never know, you just might find something beautiful, you might you might experience growth and what you've never experienced before. And uh, I think you'll thank me later, but okay, I'll close with this. It reminds you of the story of Abraham and Sarah. So Abraham is living in the ancient world in a day and age when everybody did the exact same thing every day, every month, every year. And there was nothing new. It was like a hamster wheel just circular over and over again. You were born in that hut over there, you're gonna die in that hut over there, your parents are the same thing, their parents also, and your kids will do the same thing. There was nothing new until God in the story comes to Abraham, Abram is his name, and says, Hey, Abram, I want you to leave here and go somewhere else on a journey. Now, this is like in the in human history, this is brand new. Nobody had ever done this before. And uh, and God calls Abram to do this, and God doesn't give him an itinerary, he doesn't give him a map. All Abram knows, I've got to trust God, have faith in God, and go. And Abram does it. So God calls him from comfortable to uncomfortable, from the known to the unknown, from like what he is you know familiar with to the unfamiliar. And it changes everything. It actually changes the course of human history, and we're part of that uh of that story. So remember, that's the journey that we're on. From from comfort to discomfort, from the known to the unknown, from familiar to the uh unfamiliar. That's the road that God has us on. So today I invite you to live a bit more of that story. All right, love you guys. Peace. Hey, if you enjoy this show, I'd love to have you share it with some friends. And don't forget you are always welcome to join us in person at Central in Elk River at 8 30, which is our liturgical gathering, or at 10 o'clock, our modern gathering. Or you can check us out online at clcelkriver.org. Peace.