Hyper-Independence: Great Until You Need a Hug

In this episode, I share my struggles with hyper‑independence. How lonely it can get, and why asking for help is a form of strength. There is strength in asking to be held, in being "weak" at times. 

If you have been struggling with your own fears, your hyper independence, then definitely give me a shout out: hello@thetravelingislandgirl.com

This episode is dedicated to my mom, Elvia, the strongest woman I know.

Chapters

• 0:00 The Loneliness Of Strength
• 0:34 Meet Riselle And Her Mission
• 1:15 Childhood And The Strong-One Identity
• 2:28 When No One Checks On You
• 3:04 The Realization: I Never Required Help
• 4:04 Funerals, Feelings, And Holding It In
• 5:15 Vulnerability As True Strength
• 6:13 Hyper‑Independence As A Trauma Response
• 7:18 Rewriting The Script: Let People In
• 8:05 Honoring Mom: Softness As Power
• 10:20 CTA And Closing Reflections

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Shhing on? Being the strong one can be lonely as hell. The truth is that people rarely check on you. The ones closest to you think and assume that you've already got it handled. They don't check on you and ask you if you need any help. Why would they? You've got it together, right? And this is probably a role that you played with pride. But the truth of the matter is that it is very lonely and it can be very, very exhausting. Hi, my name is Risal Celestina. I'm a coach and a podcast host, and I share videos and podcast episodes just like this one in the hopes of helping you identify and release those fears that are holding you back from living the life that you want, that beautiful, juicy life that you envisioned for yourself. But at times it is also important for me to share topics and conversations just like the one we're about to have about things, vulnerable things that I struggle with myself. Hopefully, these conversations help you clarify some things in your own life as well. So let's dive right into it. I've always been seen as a strong one. I was always the one when we were growing up, being 10, 11, my girlfriends always were, I was the one that they pushed the pushed in front, you know, when when we had to have a conversation with an adult or when we had to order things in McDonald's. I was always the one to step up for that because I was the strong one. As the oldest sibling of four children, of course, I was always being portrayed as the strong one, as the leader. I was the one that helped that had to teach the others by example. And my parents told me that often, you know, you're the oldest. Why should I do this, mom and dad? Well, you're the oldest. As an older sibling yourself, how many times haven't you heard that when you were growing up? But because of that role, people always also come to me for advice. I'm always the one to fix things, and it's not everybody, but people that are closest to me. And I didn't think that this would be a problem. It was a role that I played very, very well and continue to play today. It is my identity, being the fearless leader, being the one that is always seems to have it all together. But here's the thing when I'm not okay, crickets, there's nobody around, or at least I didn't feel like there was anybody around to take care of me. When I needed to be held, there was nobody around. When I needed advice or I needed to people to fix things for me, there was nobody around. And it wasn't until very recently when I was listening to a podcast. Now, don't ask me which podcast it was or which podcast host, I don't even remember, but it was some but something that that person said on this podcast that cracked me right open. It is the moment that I realized the why behind the whole conversation that we're having today. Why am I not being checked on when I need help the most? When am I not being held when I need it the most? When am I not asked if I'm okay when I seem not to be so? And the truth is very, very simple. It is just because I never required it. I always played this role that I had my shit figured out. I needed I didn't need any help. How many times when people asked me in the past, hey, do you want to talk about so and so? And I said, No, I'm fine, I got it. How many times at funerals, at my own parents' funeral, everybody was looking at me, hoping and waiting for me to lose it? And this is playing right into the point that I'm trying to make. I always portray myself as the strong one. At my parents' funeral, I wasn't the one crying. I may have cried a couple of tears, but I was the one holding it together because I felt I had to. I couldn't cry in public, I couldn't cry in front of my siblings, I couldn't cry in front of my family. And it wasn't until I had a brief breakdown that my even my aunts, I heard my aunt in the back saying, Oh, she's finally doing it, she's finally letting it go. But it was one minute, and I quickly like removed the tears and put on that straight face again because I cannot fall apart. I was taught very early on not to fall apart. Falling apart is not an option. I thought that being vulnerable is a weakness. I always saw it as a weakness not only in myself, but also in particular women, and I'll get back to that in a little second here. In reality, being vulnerable is where your strength really, really lies. And that is something that I have just recently realized. I didn't realize that I build a wall around myself, I was keeping everybody at a distance, especially the ones that are closest to me. It is very, very easy for me personally to be in front of this camera, in front of strangers, and sharing my most vulnerable truth. But these conversations are conversations that I rarely have with those closest to me. I had my youngest sister come to me not too long ago and say things like, How could you keep this from me? I never knew that you were struggling. I had to read about it in your newsletter. Or when my marriage was falling apart, and when we decided to give love another try, to give our marriage another try, and we sat down to have those difficult conversations. I told my husband that the issue was that I was never seen. I felt never seen. I felt like he never was there for me, and his reply blew my mind, not in a very good way, when he said, You never needed me. I put everybody in front of you because you never needed me. You were always on your own, you were always independent. And this is the thing: hyper independence is a trauma response, it is nothing to be super proud of. And I carried that independence as my shield of pride. It was the one thing that I thought was the one thing that was gonna hold me together, that keeps holding me together. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a natural-born leader, I feel at the same time. Maybe I was made this way, but maybe I was meant to be this person also. The fearless leader, the first the first person to say, I am willing to try this. Let's go with, let's go for it without having to think too hard about the consequences or about what is beyond the discomfort. Because I grew up that way. I saw my mom being in a very difficult relationship with a father whom I love very deeply, but let's be honest, wasn't the best husband. I saw how he treated her and how she shrunk to adapt to what he wanted. And I told myself very, very early on that I would never be that person. That is the message that I got that weak women are not to be respected. Weak women became my trigger without realizing that inside of me lies a very hurt weak person herself that needs help, that needs to be held, but that never asks for it. Because asking for it too can be seen as a sign of weakness. Being vulnerable can be something seen as a sign of weakness, and I never wanted to be that. I started to feel invisible, I started to feel that people didn't care, especially those around me, because I never gave them the message that I needed help when I did. When my marriage was falling apart and we separated, I holed up myself in my apartment, I locked the world out, and I did everything from the ugly crying to finding my own footing again. I did all of that on my own because that is how I always dealt with things. I was the independent strong one, right? My friends knew not to ask me about how I was feeling because I always told them that I was great, I was fine. My husband never asked if I was okay because, well, we were separated at a time, but at the same time, why would he? Because I always was fiercely independent. I continue to be fiercely independent today, and I wear that as a badge of honor, but at the same time, I do realize now that I need to let people in, and it is okay to ask for help, it is okay to ask someone to hold you. It is absolutely okay to be weak at times. So if this is resonating with you, this is what we are going to do moving forward. Exactly what I just said. We are going to open up more to the people, especially to the people around us, the ones that are closest to us, the ones who we taught to be respectful, respectful of our independence, to see us as leaders, those are the ones that we are now going to show vulnerability towards. We are now going to show them that no, we don't always have it together, and we don't always have all the answers. We are not always okay, and we are definitely not always strong. And it's okay not to be that. It's completely okay. Because if we continue to hold it together and keep putting crazy glue to keep those parts of us together and never to show any cracks, the truth is that we will one day fall apart. We will, because you can't keep on moving forward without asking for help or without letting people in. I look back to the times that I spent with my mom, a woman that I grew up seeing as very weak, that I forgot to notice the parts of her that were strong. And today I am a proud, proud replica of my mother. She was this strong, amazing woman that taught me how to be independent. But now I also see that being soft was not something that was weak inside of her. It is the strongest thing that she could have done because of her children, for her children. So this episode is really dedicated to her. My mom, who passed away just a few months ago. That's another thing I always taught myself not to be crying in front of a camera because, especially nowadays, it is not done, right? It is something that people do just for attention. And believe me, right now, this is not for attention. I'd rather you not see me like this at all. But here I am being raw, and that's the point of this video, right? To show you that sometimes it's okay if you need help or if you are not okay. It's okay not to be okay. Anyways, I hope that you got something out of this video, out of this podcast episode. If you have been struggling with your own fears, independence, your hyper independence, then definitely give me a shout out in the comments if you're watching on YouTube and if you're on the podcast, send me an email to this email address right here, hello at the traveling islandgirl.com. I cannot wait to hear more from you. And if you have something, a topic, a conversation that you really want me to talk about, all you have to do is reach out. Last but not least, before I close off this episode and this video, I want you to know that yes, as much as I put myself up to be the leader and a coach, I lead from experiences, from moments of vulnerability, just like the one that I just had, from conversations that I have learned from. And that is what I pride myself most as a coach. Because a lot of times what you're feeling is something that I have gone through myself or is still going through this through at this moment. So from now on, weak women are not my triggers. They're a message telling me to also listen to the weak woman inside of me, the one that lays dormant, the one that never asks for help, the one that is broken and bleeding and absolutely exhausted. And I hope you do the same. Thank you so much for watching. Thank you for listening if you were on the podcast. Until the next time, my name is Riselle. Ciao for now.