How to leave a church

Most preachers spend years preparing for sermons, visits, and beginnings—but almost no time learning how to leave a church well. 

In this episode, I share what I learned the hard way through painful exits, family strain, an abrupt dismissal, and, eventually, thoughtful and healing departures. 

From quoting the Sermon on the Mount to avoid criticism, to sitting in living rooms saying “thank you,” “I love you,” and “goodbye,” this is a candid look at how endings shape congregations, families, and future ministry. 

Whether you’re a preacher, an elder, or a church member who knows change is inevitable, this episode’ll challenge you to think differently about how we say goodbye—and why it matters more than we realize.

Five Tasks of Dying

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Transcript

089 How to Leave a Church

Most preachers spend years preparing for sermons, visits, and beginnings—but almost no time learning how to leave a church well. 

In this episode, I share what I learned the hard way through painful exits, family strain, an abrupt dismissal, and, eventually, thoughtful and healing departures. 

From quoting the Sermon on the Mount to avoid criticism, to sitting in living rooms saying “thank you,” “I love you,” and “goodbye,” this is a candid look at how endings shape congregations, families, and future ministry. 

Whether you’re a preacher, an elder, or a church member who knows change is inevitable, this episode’ll challenge you to think differently about how we say goodbye—and why it matters more than we realize.

I never had a class in college on how to leave a church. There were plenty of suggestions for how to begin well—preaching, visitation, and getting to know the community—but I’ve never heard a lesson or attended a seminar on how to leave well.

In this episode, I'll tell you how I've done it —starting with some bad examples in my early ministry and some improvements in later years.

In the first church after getting out of school, we found out we were expecting our first child. When he was born, we received no increase in our $100-a-week salary, which included a $10-a-week grocery allowance, and we were living in a cold house. When we told them we were leaving, they said they had thought about giving us some more money. Those thoughts didn't buy baby food. We wanted to get to another place before winter. My entire plan for my goodbye message at that church was to preach a sermon that no one would criticize. I quoted the Sermon on the Mount. Nobody criticized it.

After eight years at my second church, I was released between Bible study and worship on a Sunday morning. After finding another place to preach and telling the children we were moving, they were distraught. Jerrie Wayne was eight years old. Christi was five years old.

They said, “We don't wanna leave our friends.” I assured them we’ll make friends at the next church. They said, “We don't wanna leave our school.” I told them they had schools in Georgia. Thinking I could reason my way through it, I explained it this way. "We save our money all year to go to the Smoky Mountains and stay three or four days. They have mountains where we’re moving. We'll be on vacation 12 months out of the year.” That didn't settle the matter. I didn't handle it well with my family.

By the time we reached the next church, I’d learned a few things. We stayed for 11 years. When I told the elders I’s planning to move, we scheduled a weekend workshop with our counselor, James Jones. We discussed why I had made that decision. We decided how and when to announce my resignation, with a focus on what would be best for the congregation. It went smoothly. They found another preacher. He stayed 11 years.

I stayed five years at the next congregation. A church in the area approached me, thinking I might be able to help them in a difficult situation. After more than 40 hours of discussion, a workshop with James Jones to discuss how to make progress in this church with the problems they had, a tryout workshop lasting from Sunday through Wednesday, and evaluations from the church and me, we decided we could work together.

I told the elders at the church where I’s working that I planned to begin preaching with the other congregation. I said to them that, according to my contract, I’d be with them for 90 days as they prepared to search for a new preacher. The head Elder said, "No. If you're going to leave, go ahead and leave.” I replied, “I'd like to stay 90 more days to let the people know I love them, appreciate the time we've been able to work here, and look forward to association with them in the future.”

I asked the other elders if it would be OK to stay 90 more days. It's the only time I ever saw them vote. The rest of the elders agreed that it’d be fine.

In our discussions, I told the elders at my final full-time work that I planned to do interim ministry in the future. I wanted to leave in time to give myself a few years to do that work. In many ways, I started preparing to leave long before I actually did.

After I’d been there for 7 years, the elders asked me if I had a time in mind to start interim ministry. Gail and I discussed that and told’em that the first Sunday in April of 2007 would work well for us. The elders announced that in a family meeting in January, following our discussion. I resigned about 4 years before I left. We had time to plan well for the transition.

When we realized we had 20 months left, we decided to visit every family in the congregation as a way of saying goodbye to our work there. We told them we’d see them at their home; they could visit us at our home; we could meet at the church building; or we could have a meal together at a restaurant.

We were able to do that with 95% of the congregation. We followed what is often called the Five Tasks of Dying:

1. Forgive me.
2. I forgive you.
3. Thank you.
4. I love you.
5. Goodbye.

I’ll put a link in the show notes for a fuller discussion of this principle: https://www.newshepherdsorientation.com/5-tasks-of-dying/

To make the ending real, I often ended our conversations with this question: "During the 13 months remaining in our time at this church, what can we do to be helpful to you?”

Often they would reply, "Please don't go. I think the elders would be glad to have you stay. We hate to see you leave.”

I assured them that we loved them, but that if we were still healthy and had the opportunity, we would begin interim ministry in the spring of 2007.

I recommend that churches preparing for a new preacher ask him two questions before he begins his work.

1. How long would you like to stay and work with us? 
2. How do you plan to leave?

Unless the Lord returns quickly, every preacher will leave the church where he’s serving. The way we go will help the church and the next preacher if we do it well.

Jesus prepared his disciples by repeatedly reminding them that he was leaving. They protested, didn't understand what he meant, and they were afraid to ask. But Jesus had a good plan. He knew his father would send someone who would continue and complete his work. After his resurrection, they realized he knew exactly what he was talking about.

Jesus planned and communicated his departure well.

How are you preparing for your departure?