Love Life After- S11E12- Loving Without Loosing Myself

In this week’s episode of Love Life After, I’m opening up about what it truly means to love yourself without losing who you are in the process. Some people call it BECOMING.

For so long, many of us have learned to give, pour, and show up for everyone else—often at the cost of our own needs, boundaries, and identity.

I share reflections on learning how to choose myself with intention, set healthy boundaries, and love deeply without self-abandonment. This episode is about balance, self-respect, and honoring who you are while still holding space for others.

If you’ve ever struggled with overgiving, people-pleasing, or losing yourself in relationships or responsibilities, this conversation is for you.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to Love Life After. I am your host, Christelle. Oh wow, it feels so good to say that again. Um, I've missed this. I'm just so happy to be back. It feels so good to be in my element again. And I wanted to just start by saying this clearly. I did not disappear. I was told I disappeared, but I didn't disappear. I just took some time off. And this time I didn't lose my voice either, y'all. But yeah, I'm so excited to be back. Let's talk about becoming. That seemed to be the topic that everyone is talking about. And I think this right here is the best time to talk about this. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Baby Yellow Mom. I'm gonna think that you want black queen, a black queen, baby yellow.

unknown 1:02

She got me feeling like a dope vein. I'm gonna think that's what black queen.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

Welcome back. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. It just reminded me of that song. I know I don't know if y'all remember the song. Welcome back. Okay, we're not gonna sing because I can't sing, but anyway, so yes, I want to talk about becoming. I am becoming, I love that. I've been saying that, I talked about it a little bit um in this season in early um episodes. So if you want to listen, go back and listen. But I do really want to elaborate more into it. But I'm glad to be back, and also when I was thinking about you know, coming back to this episode, I think I share a little video on my YouTube about trying to decide whether I want to finish this season with season 11 or just dive into season 12. So, what I did decide that I'm gonna continue and finish this season, we'll finish season 11. I'm not just gonna leave it off like how I did in the past. We're just gonna finish this season strong, and I'm gonna continue to um still you know have the guests on, but we're going to do that more in season 12 because I feel like season 12 is like setting the foundation to have more guests on this season. I mean next season, I'm sorry, to have guests on next season. So when when I was thinking about what to do for the second part of this season, I really was like really lost because I didn't really know what to say, I didn't know how to go about doing it. So I thought about just sharing more about me and some of the lessons that I've learned. Um, and I've even thought about what to call this episode. Like, I don't know what is gonna, I mean, if you listening now, that means you already know what it is, but I honestly still don't know, like, while I'm recording now. Um, but I'm gonna throw a few names just for the fun of it. But this is what I was thinking, and then we'll see if after I say it, if it's you know something that I ended up choosing. Um, I thought about like becoming who I am meant to be, even like I'm still loving, just not from depletion, becoming me in the quiet, loving me while becoming, or becoming who I am meant to be, or I don't know, it's just a few names, but it all fall in the line of what I really wanted to talk about today, but we shall see, who knows? But anyway, um, today I want to talk about what it looks like to love, grow, and give, or even serve without doing it from a place of depletion anymore. Like, so I don't know which episode it was when I talked about this, but I do remember sharing something about giving from like a place of emptiness, like when you don't have anything left and you just keep giving and giving and giving. But we're going to change that dynamic, right? Because even though where I am now, I'm still loving, I'm still loving on people, I'm still showing up for people, right? But I'm just not losing myself in the process anymore. I'm still doing it, but I'm calling it the quiet becoming, right? Like, really for me, it's like you know, doing it, but still like you know, putting a little twist to it, doing it in a place where it aligns with me, right? So let's think about this real quick. Like, to be honest, really, I feel like there's something powerful about doing things in a quiet season. A friend of mine told me a while ago, she's like, when you're doing stuff, stop sharing it with people, you don't have to tell them everything, and I've learned that that is actually the best route, and I've been doing this for a while. I started like doing, I just kind of like move slow and then share with the you know with you guys later, you know. But I feel like that's the best way and the best route to go for anybody because there's really something powerful about it, and there's where sometimes I you feel like you have to share all the time or you have to overshare, but I learned that you don't have to do that, and not explaining yourself as much to people, not providing as much information, just kind of like do it quietly. And the season, this is like for me right now, this is the season where I feel like God is doing something so deep in me that I don't even have any words for it yet. Like it's just been it's been like from the end of last year till like maybe not in, maybe like mid about I guess, yeah, mid um of last year until now. I feel like God has been like really talking to me more. God has been really, you know, being there for me, really like next to me. I don't know, it feels weird to say, but like you have to be in that place to understand it, and that's something that I feel like when you get there, and don't get me wrong, the rest, the um, you know, taking a break, it really does help because when I take those breaks a lot of times, I spend most of that with God is praying and knowing that you know I'm doing the right thing because God is right by me. It allows me to really fully understand myself more, and in doing all of that, this is what I learned. So I learned that some of the biggest shifts that come with announcement, they also come with alignment, and I know this is crazy with the word alignment, right? It's crazy because when you know last year we decided that we were gonna choose a word for the year, and this word alignment was my husband's word of the year, and it still just so happened that the place I've been landing is aligning with the right people, and we talked about aligning each other, like our businesses, things that we're doing together. Um, but I've also been aligning with like just the right people in my life, and I've been doing this like I've you know, I've been doing a lot of big, you know, small things, big and small, um, but I've been doing it quietly, and you'll probably like you know hear more about it later. Um, but making the decision with peace instead of pressure, it really allowed me to be connected with the right people, to be aligned with the right people, like I've been moving differently, I've been thinking differently, I've been praying differently, and honestly, I feel grown. Like, I don't know if you ever um back in, I think this was in December. I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was like, girl, I feel grown. Like, I feel like I'm actually an adult. Like, I don't know if y'all ever feel like that, but sometimes I just feel like I'm aligning everything in my life for the purpose that I'm meant to be. Like, I hope that makes sense. I know sometimes I just be talking it just come out, but it does make sense to me, and I hope it makes sense to you guys too. But um, and I'm not saying this like in any arrogant way, but in more like a grounded way. Like, I feel grounded, I feel like I just I just really feel great, and I just wanted to share that with you guys so you know where I'm coming from, especially towards the last few of these um episodes, like you know, just this season, trying to get everything that I wanted to share in this season before we move on. I feel like this is the only way I can do it before me moving to season 12. So, um being that okay, so I think what okay, this yeah, I'm gonna talk about it. So, now since it's February, right? So, we all know love is everywhere, like everybody's everywhere you go, somebody's talking about love. Um, and as of we know, love day is coming, which is right around the corner, actually. Um, where everywhere you go, you're probably hearing about Valentine's Day conversation, romantic expectation, flower here, there, car gesture, like it's literally everywhere, and it's just like stuff, like we don't really think about that, like those things, but and I'm not saying it's you know not great, but they're all like beautiful, all of that. But I wanted to talk more about a different kind of love today, not like the stuff love, not the you know, gestures or the card and all of that stuff, but I really wanted to talk about a love that doesn't overextend or a love that doesn't abandon self, right? Or a love that doesn't feel heavy, and this is the season where love for me looks like boundaries, and it also looks like rest because when I love myself, I'm allowing myself to rest, and it also to me it looks like honesty, not honest with people, but really with myself, being honest with myself, and it also to me it looked like saying no without feeling guilt, um, or choosing peace without feeling guilty, or even when it disappoints someone or some, you know, anything like I I just feel like I'm no longer pouring from an empty cup just to tell somebody that I show up, or just to show that I show up. Okay, so a quick example, real quick. My husband was telling me about something that happened with someone like years ago, right? And we were having a conversation about it, and let me tell y'all how I know we both have been in a place of aligning, like alignment. Um, because we both looked at each other and we're like, nah, it's not worth it. Like, we don't have the energy to even like you know go back or rehash things that happened in the past because we're just we're both like just in a place now where we just want peace. Like we don't want to feel overwhelmed by people's things or stuff, like we just want to like be in each other's present, love on each other, love ourselves more, and that's where we are, and that's where I'm talking about where growth comes from, and that's where like being an adult is like sometimes like people are so stuck in the past that they don't they stay right where they are, they're don't they're not growing, they're just kind of like there, and I know like I don't want to go a little, I do want to talk about this, but I don't wanna go deep. I don't want to anybody to miss the point of this, and I know somebody's listening right now and need to hear this. Like, I want to say, like, start loving you more, start showing up just to like just for yourself, you know. Like, that was me at one point where I used to like just show up just to say I show up, but I felt like I had to show up for everyone at that. You know, I'm talking about at the time, I felt like I had to show up for everyone, and anything people were doing, I just show up, but I'm not there anymore because I've learned that I cannot continue to keep giving from that place, so I've chose self-care and self-love because those two things are very heavy for me right now, and just enjoying myself even more and then enjoying the little time that I have with my family. Um, and something that you know, I was talking to one of my clients um last month, yeah, in December. No, actually January. I was talking to her in January, and she mentioned how she sent notes to she, you know, she explained it deeply more in depth into it, but she just you know told me about like sending notes to people that you love and just tell them why. And there was you know, there's reasons behind it, but I decided that's that's something I'm gonna do this month too. So if you feel inclined to please like start sending little notes to people that you love, um, and just to let them know why, like it could be a simple I love you because you are you, right? Or I love you because you are the best person that I've you know I know, like it could be anything, and this was actually like right before I didn't even tell my husband this, but we decided that we're going to rewrite our vow because when we got married, we didn't really have vow, we just kind of like did the you know the traditional um vows, but we didn't write our vow, so we decided that we were gonna write up our vows and say it to each other this Valentine's Day, or maybe when we renew our vow, like we're gonna be married 20 years in two years, so we are planning on you know having a vial renewal, but we're gonna like write this just to like share with each other, and I just love that idea. So if you listen, anybody listening, like I think this is something that we should start doing, and it's really not, and it's if it makes you feel good doing if it doesn't, don't do it. But I just wanted to share that with you guys. Thinking about starting your own podcast? Let me tell you about Buzzsprout. They've helped over 400,000 podcasters launch their shows since 2009, and I've been using them since 2017. With Buzzsprout, your episode get listened on all major platforms like Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, and more, reaching millions of listeners. Plus, they have a fantastic community to support you every step of the way. Still unsure? Click the link in my description and head over to busprop.com to learn more. That's B-U-Z-Z S-P-R-O-U-T.com. Again, B-U-Z-Z S-P-R-O-U-T dot com. Happy podcasting. I know that was a lot, but I really do wanted to share that. And because I do honestly believe in self-love, I believe in loving on yourself, I believe in self-care. And also going down to Black history, right? And of course, since today's Black History Month, I can't go do an episode without really sharing or talking about it. So I want to honor someone or something important, right? Okay, and this goes back to like all the women, everyone, but really all the women, right? And I just want to say this. I'm going to okay, here it is. So I stand, I want to read this once after I read it. Like, I'm just gonna pause for a second, and I want us to reflect on that a little bit. I stand on the shoulder of a strong black woman. Women who love deeply, women who serve tirelessly, women who give everything they had, even when it cost them their rest, their health, and sometimes their joy. I honor their resilience, I honor their faith, I honor their sacrifice, but here's what I've come to understand as I grow. I can honor like their legacy, right? I realize I can do that, I can honor their legacy without really repeating their exhaustion. Did y'all get that? When we think about it like that, I think it should change the way we think about our life in particular because we can honor their legacy without repeating their exhaustion. I learned that I don't have to burn myself out to prove my strength to anybody, and I don't have to suffer to be worthy, I don't have to overgive to be impactful. In this season that I'm in, I am honoring my ancestors. Also, it kind of means that I'm honoring myself too as well, and I just want to live with this, right? Just think about that, like rewind, listen again if you need to. But what I want you to take away from it is that it's okay to honor yourself, it's okay to show up for yourself. You do not have to keep exhausting yourself to feel like you matter because you matter, your sacrifices are not going unnoticed. And I just want you to know that while you're thinking through, you know, not just this season, but your life, right? And I just wanted to share that with y'all. Um, and going into one thing I do know for sure though, in my faith where I am, going into this season, like I am centered in my faith right now. If you are a spiritual person, you believe in God, like go back and find your center. Align with God, align with your purpose, learn yourself because if you don't learn who you are, so you can show up for who you are and who you are meant to be, you're going to be exhausted. Speaking from experience, and when you're aligned with God, too, things starts to feel different. Like you stop forcing things, um, like you know, even the doors that won't open for you, you stop, you start forcing them, which we don't want to do that anymore. You stop chasing validation, and I've stopped chasing validation. If it doesn't work, I move on. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. You stop over-explaining yourself to people, you don't have to explain yourself. Say what you said, mean it, and move on and stop over sharing, especially with people who were meant to understand your assignments, anyways. You just you just can't, not everybody is meant to be on the same assignment as you, so they wouldn't understand your assignment that God appointed. You so if you're sharing it with them and they don't understand it, they may like you know belittle you or they may look at you like okay, what's going on with this person? You know, but you don't have to do that, you just just let it go and do you like do it in the quiet and listen to the little whispers that God is talking or sharing with you, and you have to see that alignment doesn't feel rush, it does not have to feel rushed, it doesn't feel chaotic either, and it's not heavy. And if you're feeling all those things, that means you need to realign yourself. It's supposed to feel like peace, and if I'm being honest, like peace has become my confirmation for everything. If it cost me my peace, I pause, and if it pulled me away from my alignment, I pray about it, and if it drained me, especially if it drained me of pouring into me or like keeping me from pouring into myself, I absolutely release it, and honestly, like that's growth. That's what I was talking about when I talked about growth, and these are some of the lessons that I've learned, you know. I'm still learning because everything is not black and white. Um, so I wanted to share those lessons with y'all because I feel like I can't share without putting in the work, or I can't share if I'm not actually doing the work. And I just wanted to share this. Let me say this slowly. You should not cost you yourself. You should not cost you yourself, you should not cost you your identity, your purpose, your health, or your joy. You see, like for me, for a long time I thought about being loving. Well, I thought that being loving meant being available all the time. No, absolutely not. That's not what it is. Being understanding at my own expenses, giving even when I was empty, but I've learned that that's not love. That was depletion. Real love is sustainable, real love is reciprocal, real love honors boundary. There's that word again, and we have to say that to ourselves daily. We have to continue to learn that we cannot keep giving from a place of depletion, and the other one about alignment, alignment is supposed to feel like peace, not pressure. If you are feeling anxious or you're feeling rushed, overwhelmed, or constantly feeling like you're proving yourself to people, just pause. You don't have to be in that situation, that's not alignment. What's meant for you will meet you right where you are, so don't put yourself in a situation where you feel so overwhelmed that you just can't constantly just keep doing the same thing, but you're feeling so anxious. You don't have to be in that situation, sis. No, you have to take yourself out, you have to pause because what's meant for you will definitely meet you right where you are with peace. Okay, I know sometimes it will stretch you, yes. You know, sometimes it's easier than you easier said than done, yes. But alignment should not drain you, okay? Those are just what I wanted to share. Those things should not drain you. Peace should not drain you, peace should bring you peace. And if you in any of those situations pause and ask yourself, is this where I want to be? Or do I really want to align myself with this? If your answer is no, then you know what to do. Well, I hope you know what to do, but yeah, so and with saying that, I want to leave you with it. You can split it into two if you want, but this affirmation that I started saying, well, I'm not started, but I've been saying, and this is what I'm gonna do. I think I'm really gonna because someone asked me the other day about writing affirmation books because my planner has affirmation in it too, but I I just have this thing where I'm always talking about affirmation, so you know, maybe that's something I'll you know I'll do and leave out for you guys later. Um, or he I could even share real, I could just share all my okay. So this, yes, this is what I do, I'll write most of all my affirmation down because I have them, and then I'll start posting them on the page so y'all can read it, or maybe after an episode. Let me know if that if y'all think that's a great idea. If y'all think that's a great idea, I'll do it. So I'll put the affirmation with the episode. Hmm. I don't know, we'll see. But yeah, so this is the one I want to say this week. What's meant for me will meet me in peace. What's meant for me will meet me in peace. And I give from overflow not obligation. I give from overflow not obligation. So together, I give from overflow not obligation. What's meant for me will mean me in peace. What's meant for me will mean me in peace. I give from overflow, not obligation. I said that over and over again because I want y'all to get it, okay? Um, I read it backward, forward, so we can all understand that we don't have to deplete ourselves to be loving. We can love ourselves, we can love others from a place of fullness and not emptiness. Okay, I hope this episode um speaks to you for anybody listening. I know I've said a lot, I've shared a lot, but I really want to share these few episodes before we end this season. So if I do have anybody, if well, all the recording that I have, it will be shared season 12 because I just feel like that's the right thing to do. Since I didn't get to share everything I wanted to share from a personal standpoint this season, I'm so grateful. I am continuing to be intentional, I'm going to continue to align myself with the right people, especially while I'm becoming the person that God wants me to be. And for me, this isn't a restart, it's actually a return to myself because I'm returning to myself, I'm allowing myself to see that hey, like sis, you're doing great, right? I'm telling myself that it's a return, right? It's not a setback, it's not a restart, it's a return. So thank you guys for growing with me. Thank you for staying till the end. And if you made it here to the end and you didn't skip, I truly hope that this helped or confirms what you've already like been feeling. And just thank you for allowing me to share this space with you to become who you want to be. And until next time, just always remember this: you can love deeply, serve fully, and still choose yourself always, because this is love life after. This is us loving life after whatever happened. Okay, if you have any questions, comment, or concern, please email us at love lifeafter18 at gmail.com or on our social media at love that life after. And I will see you in the next episode. Oh, also, if you want me to start doing video snip, let me know. I got y'all. Three people asked me, so I needed to be at least 10 before I can do it. Okay, thank you guys so much. Peace.