Ep 29 When Tension Comes Out in Your Words

In this episode, Nicole Coates talks about passive-aggressive comments with compassion and honesty—reminding listeners that we all fall into these patterns sometimes. Instead of shame, Nicole focuses on why these moments happen and how they can become opportunities for healing, clarity, and healthier communication.

She shares how passive-aggressive reactions often come from unspoken hurt or fear, especially in strained or estranged relationships, and offers simple, faith-filled guidance for moving toward peace and connection.

Resources & Links Mentioned in This Episode:

“Why Everyone’s Cutting Everyone Off” by Rachel Haack

Episode Breakdown:
00:00 — Understanding Passive-Aggressive Patterns
00:18 — Gentle Intentions from Nicole
00:40 — Common Phrases We All Use
01:55 — Emotional Impact
03:56 — Healing + Healthier Communication
05:35 — Faith, Peace, and Perspective
12:14 — Closing Encouragement

Connect with me on Instagram: @heygirl.itsnicole
And explore more resources for estranged moms at nicolecoates.com.

If this episode encouraged you, please subscribe, rate, and leave a review — it helps other moms find the support they’ve been praying for.

This podcast is created for moms walking through estrangement — a place to be understood, encouraged, and reminded you’re not alone.

Transcript

0:00

passive aggressive comments feel safer to us when we say it. Instead of directly saying, I'm hurting, I'm feeling rejected, I'm afraid I'm losing you. They protect us a little bit, but I think that they can create more distance than it than we think, or that we intend to.

nicole: 0:18

Hey guys, welcome back. Today we're gonna talk about a sensitive topic. I don't want anyone to feel called out. My intention is to lead with grace and kindness. But also just a perspective, and it's something I hear come up often. We were even discussing in our community group in our more recent Zoom call. Comments that we make or wanna make and we know we shouldn't, but we're human beings and we make these comments. I think we're all experiencing it is passive aggressive comments. Always, this may not apply to you. You may not be in a place where you're ready to hear this. All of those things are okay. You might be like, I don't wanna listen to this and turn me off. That's fair and fine. But I wanna talk about it a little bit just to shed some light and perspective and also I am guilty of it too. I'm not coming, speaking at you as if it's not something I've struggled with because it is because I'm a human being. And so most moms don't like, I don't think that we set out to be passive aggressive, but I do think we're hurting and we're scared and we don't know how. To communicate those that isn't in a way that feels completely vulnerable and raw. And I think it's a defense mechanism to be able to share how we're feeling in a way that doesn't leave us feeling like we're one little point away from absolute devastation. I think passive aggressive comments feel safer. To us when we say it, instead of directly saying, I'm hurting, I'm feeling rejected, I'm afraid I'm losing you. And maybe those are comments you've also said. But passive aggressive comments feel like they protect us a little bit, but I think that they can create more distance than it than we think, or that we intend to. I think that comments like this are common amongst moms who are walking through estrangement or feel like they're losing their kids. So some examples I had chat GPT help me. Is, well, I guess you're too busy for your mom, if that's one I've heard before. Uh, it must, might, it must be nice not to have as many responsibilities as I do. The last one is, no worries. I'm used to being left out, so I know that they seem small, but. I think they hit much harder than we anticipate. And I honestly, sometimes I will admit that I'm guilty of this too. I want them to feel like I'm in so much pain and I'm, this is a vulnerable for me. But you want them to feel something too, like are they feeling any pain? Are they feeling anything? So when we make those comments, we know they're little jabs to see if they feel anything. I just don't think that passive aggressive comments move our direct, our relationship in the direction that we actually want them want it to go because we feel like we're losing our children. But just like we talked about. In a previous episode of we don't want to just be one of their puppets. We, we don't want to be involved in a game that we don't know the rules, but we're held to the standard of perfection or consequences as if we did know the rules. And so I think that we need to show up into the relationship in the way we want them to show up into the relationship. And that's by giving respect, and that's by. Being direct with them. And that also, and so not being passive aggressive and that also loops back to so much. So often what I'm saying is we have to come from a place of healing, which is why sometimes it's okay for us to put a pause on things so that we can be anchored and we can find healing. It is much harder to have to not have these reactionary comments and passive aggressiveness. When we are hurt, our wounds are open and bleeding and unhealed, and we're oozing, uh, I should feel like I should have had something more to go along with the oozing, but we're just, we're oozing. We're just oozing our unhealed selves and we're reactionary in our responses, which is fair in a season. But then there comes a time where we have to heal number one for ourselves. I want you to heal for you. Because you deserve healing. You deserve to live healed. First and foremost, I want that for you. And then there's the benefit that it benefits the relationship that you have with your children. So it's not, you're not the only one who's gonna benefit from having, coming from a place of healing. Because I think the truth is that a lot of us are dealing with now again. Per my usual statement, I'm using broad statements, but I know that I know that every relationship is so unique and complex and there's not a one size fits all. And you know what I'm saying? That's coming from my perspective, not my, might not speak to your situation and your story and that's okay, but there are many of us who. Our children who have estranged themselves, the estrangement is not warranted and the reaction is, does not match the situation that happened. And I suspect that there's a level of emotional immaturity. I think social media has given us the false illusion that because we know these words and these terminologies, that we're emotionally intelligent. And especially don't think some of our strange kids are. I'm not trying to point fingers. I really am gonna try to stay away from that when I'm talking because I don't want it to feel like I'm attacking any one group. But the fact of the matter is, it does seem that there's a lack of emotional intelligence and there is a lack of being able to sit in discomfort. Just because a conversation is uncomfortable doesn't mean that it's violating or causing trauma or anything like that. Some con conversations are hard. Relationships are hard. They're messy, and they involve a certain amount of vulnerability and willingness to show up to the table and have those messy, hard conversations. And be honest. I think if we're expecting that our kids to do that with us, then we have to be willing to do it with them. We need to set the table, set the bar of number one, what, how we will be treated, and number two, how we will treat them. And so healing helps us not be reactionary and use those passive aggressive comments. It is hard when we're not healed to be as vulnerable to make statements instead of saying passive aggressive things, making statements like, I care about our relationship. I'm here whenever you're ready. I miss you. I hope you're doing okay. There's no pressure to respond, but I just want you to know that I love you, or being direct and say, I'm feeling left out. Is there a reason you don't want me to come? And being open to their feedback again, that. This is a messy line because if they don't respect you and they don't care about you, they're going to pick you apart and then it's not really a fair representation of things that you need to work on. So again, when we're unhealed those things, while they will always feel like a personal attack, because I think that that is what they are. It is harder to stand in your truth of no. Like, that's not true of me. That's not a fair expectation. And when we're healed, we can evaluate and measure that criticism or criticalness through a different lens. I know what you're probably thinking as you're listening is that you're hurting. How do you say these things when you're hurting? How do you open yourself up to that and always my encouragement is that you don't have to do that alone. You do that while you're holding onto your anchor. That is Jesus. He's the one who can anchor your emotions. He's the one who can help give you direction. He's the one who can help give you insight and wisdom. He will bring. A renewed sense of self, a refreshing, he will bring peace and he will restore your self worth. He can do all of those things so that you're coming from and responding from a place of peace and not a place of panic and desperation because you're trying to hold on tighter. And I don't blame you, girl. I get it. I've been there, I've done it. It's exhausting. But when we're grounded and anchored in Jesus, then we can respond out of peace and not panic. It also allows you to release what is not yours to control and clinging to the one that is in control. I feel like I'm just saying a lot of cliches right now, these are gonna be great. One-liners for social media. I'm just saying. Okay. Anyways, reeling it back in. When you clinging to him, the one who has control, you, release control. Because again, in these situations we're grasping for things we can control and sometimes we need to just press pause. Some of us have very limited contact with our kids, if any. Some of us have none. My encouragement to you is to utilize the conversation the times that you do have conversations with them, so that you remain in control, you remain grounded. And you can show them that they don't have control over you. Their words don't hold power over you. Their words do not define you. You can come to them with a place of respect, compassion, and grace. All of the things that you should expect for them to also give you, because that's what relationships need. They need all of those things mutually. And when you can come to them with, in that manner, you take back some of that control of the relationship because again, what's been said in previous episodes. Is that I think that there's a power struggle happening and I think that some of our kids have, we've given them the illusion of having more power than they do and it gives them this illusion of control and puppeteering. And if it's not exactly what I like when I like, then I can go get something else. Rachel Hack had a really great sub. Track? Is that how you say it? Is it sub Reddit or Subtrac? I think subreddit is from Reddit, right? I don't know, I can't hear your answers. Talking to yourself is getting easier, you guys, but it's still a challenge. She had, it's on her Instagram. I know. You could go find it and I'll link it in the show notes. It was so good. I've just read a couple of things lately and articles by. Professionals where they're talking about culture and if we don't like it, if it's uncomfortable, we can just get a new one. We don't like your village. You can just get a new one. And I think it's happening for us as parents too. If they don't like our responses, they don't like the way we engage, they don't like the way we show up, they don't like what we ask of them, then they just don't deal with it and they cut us off and that's they, it gives them all of the power. So I think that healing helps you regain some power. I feel like this episode is a little bit scrambly because I feel like I'm still trying to work out my thoughts on it in lifetime, and I wanna be encouraging, and I don't wanna be accusatory. And I also don't want you to feel called out because we're all guilty of wanting, saying, feeling passive aggressive comments. But I wanna empower you in finding your peace and your control because I think in the long run that will lead to a more beneficial connection with them, and it will leave you feeling less desperate. And more composed, which will lead to you feeling more confident in your encounters with them. I'm not saying that they won't hurt. I I, there will still be hurt and you will still have to navigate that. I can tell you from experience, it's definitely a different kind of navigation that is much easier. So, um, I don't know if any of this was encouraging. Hopefully it was. I would love to hear your thoughts because this was kind of, um, yeah, different for me. I feel like I went on a limb on this one, so I'd love to hear you guys' thoughts, perspectives, different points of views. Let's hear it all. I wanna hear it all. You can email me at hello@nicolecoats.com. My website is nicole coats.com or you can follow me over on Instagram at hey girl dot, it's Nicole. Because, Hey girl. Um, okay. I love you guys. Thanks for being here, and we'll chat next week.