How to Speak Confidently When Someone in the Room Hates You

Episode 44:  How Strong Leaders Speak When They’re Not Wanted 

Buzz Description: Episode 44:  How Strong Leaders Speak When They’re Not Wanted 

Speaking as a leader becomes exponentially harder when you know someone in the room openly hates you. In this episode, you’ll learn a practical confidence framework to maintain authority, clarity, and control in hostile environments. This is essential listening for executives, pastors, and leaders who refuse to let resistance dictate their voice.

🗒️ Show Notes

💡 Topic:
Maintaining leadership authority in hostile environments

🎯 Key Takeaways:
* Why confidence drops when emotional safety disappears
* How clarity protects authority when approval is gone
* Why trying to win over a hater weakens leadership
* The mindset shift required to lead under resistance
* How preparation anchors confidence

💬 Quote:
“You don’t gain confidence by being liked—you gain it by being clear.”

🔗 CTA

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🎧 Listen to the Podcast: podcast@samuellinton.com

📘 eBook → https://books2read.com/killmyfear


🔑 Keywords

leadership confidence, executive communication, hostile audiences, leadership authority, speaking under pressure, leadership mindset, communication skills

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

One of, if not the worst feelings you can have as a communicator, especially as an executive communicator, is when you are going to speak to your team or to a group and you know that someone hates you. And I'm not talking about, ooh, we had an awkward conversation because of the way things are done and maybe we should have done things differently. No, no, no. I'm talking about they despise you being there. You know it for a fact. This isn't in your head. Um I'm not talking to those of you that you think everybody hates them, but where you have verifiable proof that this person hates you. How do you talk when there's somebody in the audience that wishes for your demise? Let's get into how you can overcome that hurdle right now.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Welcome to the Sam Linton Show, the podcast designed to help you shift your mindset, find your voice, and change your world. Sam is a pastor, coach, and expert communicator, helping leaders and entrepreneurs like you step into their purpose, speak with confidence, and make a lasting difference. So let's dive in.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Alright, it's Christmas time for those of you that celebrate, and um we should be talking about like cheerful things on this episode, things like how to decorate your tree, maybe how to plan a night where you go see all the nice decorated homes in your neighborhood, or maybe even if you're into it, how to sing Christmas carols. Well, today, instead, what we're gonna talk about is how to speak when someone hates your guts that you're speaking to. Um, I'm gonna give you some authority on this before I share some pointers. I was probably 10 years into church work at this point. So I had been working with a lot of people, working with a lot of leaders, so I was a little battle-worn when it comes to dealing with people. And there was this person, and I'm not gonna say whether it's a woman or a man, and the fact that this could apply to several people in the church uh over the time that I've been there is frightening. But there was this one lady that sticks out in my mind that had a problem with something that I had said and something that I had done. Nothing immoral on my end, it was a disagreement in the way that we approached something. And she developed what I can only call as like an obsessive hatred for me and the church. And again, this is a long, long time ago, but what she would do, even though she hated the church, is she would come into the church and she would sit in the back and her arms would be crossed and she would be furious. So I would get up to preach or to give announcements or to do something, baptize people, whatever. And she would be there and I could see her anger. And I would like to tell you that the younger version of myself didn't get thrown off my game. I'd like to tell you that that it didn't bother me that she was there because I was there for the people that did want to hear from me. But the fact that she was coming on purpose just to antagonize, it rattled me. It changed my speaking. I felt flustered. I felt like I had to, when I was writing some of my sermons, I felt like in a way I was trying to craft them to win her over. Like maybe my winsome charm, my handsome, devilish good looks, like that would do it. And nothing was penetrating that wall of hatred. Nothing. There was nothing I could do. And so I learned through that experience and through some subsequent experience, because it wasn't the last time, believe it or not. And I'm not saying that I'm I think most people like that I'm at the church. I'm not gonna be one of those people that's like, you know, I've been the most persecuted, persecuted pastor on the face. That's Trump as a pastor. Most persecuted, maybe more than persecuted than anybody in the church. That's that's what he would say if he was the pastor. But um, I don't think I'm the most attacked pastor, not even by a long shot. But because, again, and I've said this before, because I deal with so many different people, and because I've dealt with so many people in business, it's I've had the experience of having people that don't want you to be there. They don't like you. So, what do you do? What do you do when you are running a meeting or you're doing an all hands or you are speaking to a mixed group and there's somebody there that hates your guts? So I'm gonna give you kind of some pointers to really talk about how to keep your confidence high whenever somebody there doesn't like you. All right, and the first thing we have to do is we have to get inside before we go outside because I would make the assumption, and forgive me for making this assumption, but if this person hates you, like they can't stand your guts, there's very little that you're going to be able to do to manage that. You're not, that's not an outcome that you can handle. In fact, I don't even want you to try, because when you try to do it, you're going to change what you're doing. So this has to start first. This is an inside job. I know you're like, well, no, maybe we should have a conversation before. Nope. This is all a confidence thing. So I'm gonna talk to you for a moment about why this is a problem. Why do you care? Because some of you, you got to where you are because you don't care what people think. But it's something different when you're having to speak because it does something to your confidence. So this is why it's in your brain, it does something to your confidence. So this is why it hits us so hard. It's it's taking safety away from your ability to speak. It's taking for some of us who got to where we are because we do enjoy, and this is not in a bad way, because you can only ride this wave so long. But some of you, you do enjoy pleasing people. Like you like serving people I do. Um I'm not saying I'm a people pleaser where I am moved by just making sure everybody around me is completely at ease, even when I'm not, but I am saying that there's a part of what I do and why I do what I do where I get to serve people and I enjoy that. So when that is taken away, it's challenging to us at our core. Next of all, what happens is mentally, when you are despised, it will cause you to feel the need to over-explain. So you're not gonna do that. You gotta get out of your head and go, okay, I'm gonna speak the way that I do at, you know, at any given time. And I'm gonna be as confident as I am when I'm running another meeting where it's with people that do like me. There are those people, they still exist. So, and then the thing that you have to realize is you have to draw a line mentally between discomfort and danger. You have to draw the line between discomfort and danger. So your mind will want to blur those lines. I'll give you an example. You're going to think when you get up and somebody hates you, your mind is gonna go, ooh, you might die. Like it's like that biological response, like, uh-oh. Like they they might kill now. To be candid, the lady that was upset at the church did make some death threats against me. Believe it or not, again, weird things happen. Oh, I'm the most persecuted. Let's go back. I'm the most persecuted pastor, maybe that ever lived. No, I'm not. But um, I didn't think she was gonna kill me in the service, though. So I was really more worried about how she felt. So with you, um, there's a very slow, like very, very minuscule, it's never zero, but there's a very small chance that that person actually wants to do bodily harm. So you don't have to associate this with danger. It's not typically dangerous, it's more discomfort. And you have to say, I can do uncomfortable things. I can do uncomfortable things. Uncomfortable things are fine, it's not that big of a deal. So confidence is not the absence of discomfort, it is working within the framework of discomfort. So that's the mindset shift that has to happen. All right. So now I'm gonna tell you before one more mindset thing before we get into how to have more confidence. The number one mistake that we make when we're in these situations and somebody despises us is we try to verbally fix the hater. We try to verbally fix them. We make jokes that will try to appeal to them, we try to soften the convictions that might be bothering them. We try to make apologetic statements, which if you've listened to any of my podcasts, you don't want to apologize. Well, this might be wrong, or uh, I don't feel confident about this, or I'm open to suggest. Like, you don't, this is not the time to do that. We're trying to fix verbally something that is off kilter relationally, and you're not gonna be able to do it in that forum. You don't get confidence by being liked by everyone. You get confidence by being clear in what you're saying. And the clearer you are is going to divide people that don't like you. It's going to bring them out. I can't believe this person said that. There are people in the church right now, and I know this isn't, I'm not kidding about this, and I know you're gonna take pause, that they don't like my leadership. They don't like some of the decisions I've made. They don't like the way that I speak, my preaching. Now, my consultant stuff is a little bit different because the people that I'm working with there, the people that I'm working for that hire me, my clients, they want me there. So they choose to have they uh so I always say if you don't like me, you paid for this, you know. So it's it's their fault. It's like the it's like you buying um Duke's mayonnaise and wishing you had Hellman's. You could have bought Hellman's, bro. You got Dukes. So I'm not saying one is better over the other. I'm just saying you're the one that chose to engage in my services. Now, with the church, not so. Yeah, they're coming to the church, but the church has a lot of other components aside from just who is the speaker. And we also have another really uh gifted communicator, so they might prefer him over me. So the point is this it's my job to be clear about what I'm saying, regardless of how it's gonna be taken, because clarity is kindness. It's gonna send that division there and it's going to make it known that this is who you are. I know that sounds counterintuitive because you might want to soften your message, you might want to muddy the water, you might want to make it a little misty and foggy so that you can bring people in because you know that some of your talking points, or you know, maybe some of your policies are what has caused this person to hate you, but I'm telling you, they're not gonna like you any better. It's just gonna make everybody else really confused. And it's gonna make you hecca unconfident. That's what the kids are saying, hecca unconfident. So don't do it. The moment that you try to win them, you hand them over your confidence and your control. And to be honest, if they hate you that badly, they shouldn't have that role. You're a leader, you're an executive, you are put there because people high above you, or people on your team, or maybe even the owner of the company, they have deemed that you be there. So you're you deserve to be there. You have a right to be there. Your voice is important, and you matter in terms of your efficacy. So you don't want to give that over to somebody that has ill feelings towards you. Now, we can talk about how to smooth relationships over and everything. That's a whole different discussion. This is not that. Again, to clarify, I am speaking expressly about someone who hates you. It's not fixable. You're not winning them over. Not someone that, oh, we we have to work on this, it's not going well. Not that person. I'm talking about somebody that can't stand your guts. All right, so the moment you try to win them, you're losing control. All right, so I'm gonna give you three things, three anchors. And this is really, really vital. And some of these are gonna be contradictory to some of the other stuff that I've said in the past, but you have to use this because this is a we're we're in the mind games now, and the the game is being played in your mind. This is your mind, and you are the one. You are the one that has to be able to withstand how this is going to go. Um, so you have to be willing to change your mindset. So, first thing, you want to anchor to the room and not to the person. Now, why do I say that? Because in normal conventional situations, I say to pick a person and focus on that person. Like you pick a person and you do one person at a time, not when you have somebody in the room that hates you. Instead, what you're gonna do is you're gonna want to think about the people in the room collectively and speak to all of them, not just thinking about the one that hates you. So kind of shift through. And I would recommend taking turns speaking to one person at a time, but don't speak to the hater. They hate you. Look for people that are nodding, look for neutral faces, look for note takers. If you see somebody taking notes on what you're speaking about, or you see somebody nodding their head, you say, Hey, Jeremy over there, he's really locked in on what we're saying. What does this mean for you? You think about the room, not just that person. So you thinking about the room is going to show that you are caring about the rest of the room and not just the hater. And not to scare you, but there's a good chance that the people that are in that room, whether it's a small room or whether it's a larger room, there's a good chance that those people kind of hate you. Or know that know that that person kind of hates you. They know it. So you're not going to, if you try to win that person over, you're gonna lose the room because they're like, oh yeah, he's just upset because John is here and he's trying to win him over. Just stop it. Just stop it. It's not gonna work. All right, so anchor to the room, not to the person. Next, anchor to your message, not to your discomfort. Anchor to your message, not to your discomfort. You are obviously there running that meeting, doing something different, because you're there to make an impact. You have a job to do. And whatever your message is, whether it's procedural, whether it's inspirational, whether it's informational, whatever it is, there's a reason why you're there. It's not just to make friends. So you want to stick with what I am trying to get these people to do? What is the most important thing that needs to happen in order for this meeting to be a resounding success? Remember, this is where you can rely on, I've prepared well, I know what I'm saying, I know what I'm doing. It doesn't matter what they think because I've really focused on preparing and thinking about them. So when you take your emotion out of the prep, it's easier to say, okay, well, this is now about them. Now again, remember, if all things are equal, I would tell you that you should be thinking about the audience and focusing on them as you tailor your message. But if you have someone or multiple people in the audience and they don't like you, don't think about oh what their emotions, I gotta get no, no, no. Think about I'm trying to get the whole P the whole group one over to this message and try to give them clarity around what it is they should be doing. All right. So this is a confidence framework. All right. Now, the last thing, and this one is a little bit of a different anchor. We're back into our head again, but this is helpful. Anchor to your identity, not your outcome. Anchor to your identity, not your outcome. So what you want to say is who you are, regardless of what that person thinks of you. I am, and this is, and I'm not into like affirmations that are fake, but I am into affirmations that are true. And see if you have to tell yourself the truth about yourself. I am an executive, I am a leader, I am a pastor. Like what I would tell myself about that lady is I've been ministering to people for decades. Thousands of people I've helped and I've dealt with and I've worked with them, and I care about them, they care about me. I am not letting that one person dictate how what is true in these other areas. Now, again, if I'm working to try to repair a relationship, that is a different discussion. This is specifically about what I'm thinking when I'm speaking, and I'm really going to focus on my identity. Now, I'm I'm a Christian, so I look at Christ called me to do this. This is what God wants me to do. It's part of how I'm wired to be. So I am not going to change my identity based on somebody that hates me or somebody that disagrees with me. I'm responsible to be faithful to who I am, not the outcome that I receive from being faithful. And being faithful to who God has created me to be. That doesn't mean I don't care about what anyone thinks of me. You know, of course, you you want to be that way to a degree and you want to behave with respect to people, but you don't want to anchor your confidence to an unwanted outcome. You don't want to say, oh, because this person hates me, that means I suck at speaking. No. Your confidence has to be anchored to who you are. For me, it's in Christ, who you are in Christ, but professionally, you could be who you are in that role, how the organization views you, how your boss treats you. I've had seasons in the church over the years where you know I've had issues with different leaders and different people. And at the end of the night, I'll remind myself, well, my boss still likes me and he thinks I'm doing a good job, so I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing. And it helps. Now, when one day he's gone and it's just me, I'm gonna have to kind of change that narrative, but it helps to know that the people that are writing your paycheck like what you're doing and they approve of what you're doing. So you want to anchor to those identity points of what is actually happening, not just the outcome with regard to that person. Alright. So, lightning round for this. Here's the lightning round for some things to do. Ready? First, when you're feeling anxious because somebody hates you, slow down. Counterintuitive. You want to get off of that platform or you want to get out of that meeting as quick as possible? No. Slow down. Hatred feeds on rushed speaking. Oh, okay. He was quaking in his boots. He doesn't even want to be up there. Now take your time. Next, lower your volume. For some of us that are aggressive, we will try to overtalk that hatred. We become more impassioned. I would encourage you to be very, very conscientious that when you slow down, you lower your volume, you are displaying that once again you are in control of how you're speaking. Now, the rest of these are very, very nitty, you know, nitpicky points, but again, we're trying to display confidence, and sometimes we can behave our way into more confidence. One of those ways is by speaking in short sentences. We came here today to work on the Jetson file. This will take us an X amount of months. When we speak in short, concentrated sentences, we are demonstrating once again that we are in control. And we are also showing that we have a stronger authority. A couple other things. Pause after key points. Don't be afraid of that silence. I had a a a session which you or a podcast episode which you could look up about what to do when somebody hostile questions you that's different beyond this. This is just you still having control. So I wouldn't I would not be hesitant to give some pausing in between so that you're showing that you're comfortable in your own skin. And then the last thing about this to supercharge your confidence in this area is you want to make sure your body language is lining up with the confident version of you. That means that when you're speaking, you're standing with your feet flat and planted. Because if you're nervous, we do the we do the C-SIC a little bit, or we do the back and forth, or we fiddle with our hands, or we put our hands behind us, or worse, across from us. This is the universal sign for I don't want to be here and I'm guarding myself. But you want your feet planted, you want your body posture open, your your shoulders back, and you want your hands visible. So you want to do that because again, you want to own that space. It sounds dumb. You're going to feel uncomfortable, but you're going to look confident. You might feel uncomfortable, but you might look confident. I've had people argue and say, well, I have this, this isn't how I feel good. I don't feel good about this. It's not about feelings. Those are going to come and go. What it is about is your ability to display confidence and to make the people around you that you're speaking to see that confidence because that will happen. That will happen. So that is all I got. Now, of course, if you need help on this, I would love to help you. I've coached a lot of people through difficult situations. I have someone that I'm working with now who uh kind of vocalized to me that they have some issues with people on their team and they're trying to figure out how to communicate in a way. So this is gonna kind of be some of the things that I've talked to them about. But I would love to help you. I would love to help your team. I do workshops, I do one-on-one coaching, I do a lot of that. So if you are interested, podcast at samuellinton.com, podcast at samuelinton.com, and I would love to get you your confidence back when it comes to how you communicate. So thank you for your time. Thank you for giving us so much of your time this year. And until next time, shift your mindset, find your voice, change your world. We'll see you soon.