How To STOP Fighting In Your Marriage

Tired of the fighting? Having the same argument over and over? If so, listen up. In this new episode on the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast I cover 5 steps to start reducing your conflicts today. Some of the suggestions may surprise you. 

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Transcript

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Are you tired of having the same fight over and over? If so, stay tuned, because that's what I'm going to address today and how to fix it. Welcome to the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast, where developing a long-lasting happy relationship is the status symbol to achieve, and following my tools is one step to help get you there. I'm your host, Dr. Wyatt, licensed psychologist specializing in couples therapy. If you want to join me in my mission to reduce the divorce rate one marriage at a time, now is your chance. My next cohort of FRCA, Fisher Relationship Coaching Academy, begins August 25th. So if you want to learn all the skills and tools to help couples resolve their resentments and rekindle their love, join FRCA. You're going to be working with me live every week for 12 weeks. Click the link in the show notes or go to my website, drwyattfisher.com, and click on FRCA. So how to stop having the same argument over and over. Aren't you tired of this? You tend to fight about the same things, the same topics, the same dynamics, and you think to yourself, what's the point? We're having the same fight like we've had a million times over the same topic. So today I'm going to go through five steps to help you reverse this trend. Number one is identify your resentments. Underneath these conflicts are often unresolved resentments. Resentments can be in the areas of communication, emotional intimacy, affection, sex, conflict style, addictions, trust, parenting, in-laws, finances, uneven workload, feeling voiceless. Those are common areas of resentments. And couples often do not address their resentments properly, and therefore they keep having fights about them because they've never properly been addressed. That's why when I work with couples or one of my coaches is working with couples, we always start by creating a list of their top resentments. Because until you resolve your resentments, you're gonna keep fighting about those same topics because it's raw, it's an open wound. So the first step to stop having the same fight over and over is identify the resentments underneath the fight. Number two, resolve those resentments. And this is the million-dollar question. How do you resolve a resentment? There are usually two things needed to heal from a resentment, to forgive your partner about that topic. The first thing that's usually needed is you need to feel heard, you need to feel like your partner is owning something, you need them to empathize, and you need a sincere apology. If you don't get those things, it's going to be very difficult to forgive and move on. And that is where the reunite tool comes in. So when I work with couples, my coaches work with couples, we take them through our reunite tool per resentment. That's how we talk through the resentments, is with the reunite tool, because the reunite tool keeps the conversation calm, keeps it safe, so that you can get further in those conversations to resolve those resentments. The second category, though, that you also need to heal those resentments is sustained change over time. Because at the end of the day, talk can be cheap. So if your partner says all the right things, while it can be healing, but they don't make any sustained gains over time, that resentment's gonna stay hold. And this is why the second major tool we use with couples is the love buckets. And this is where you integrate all the top fillers both partners need to feel loved and satisfied in the relationship, all the drainers that both partners don't want their partner to do anymore. We put all that together into the love buckets, and then we train couples on how to give and receive feedback on those love buckets every single week until you both reach plus 20 or above. Once you've reached that, that means you've broken the cycles, you've sustained the gains, you've mastered becoming a new version of yourself. And those two things combine working through the topics with the reunite tool and then long-term change and accountability through the love buckets, those two tools combine are powerful for resolving resentments. And unless you do that, you're gonna keep having the same fights over and over. If that's you, if you feel like you have unresolved resentments and you want help with the reunite tool and then the love buckets, go through my ER Marriage Intensive as my most comprehensive resource to help couples resolve their resentments and rekindle their love. The link to it is in the show notes, or you can go to my website, drwyetfisher.com, and click on ER Marriage Intensive. The third way to stop having the same fight over and over is identify your vicious cycles. Most couples have two to three vicious cycles. At my conference, I do something called the brokenness chart. And this is where I have each partner write down their top three shortcomings, their top three growth areas that they have as a partner, and then their partner has to do the same. And then we draw lines back and forth to identify what are your unique vicious cycles. All couples have them, and these vicious cycles explain the majority of your conflicts. And the brokenness chart also levels the playing field. So no longer can you blame your partner for everything because the brokenness chart identifies how you're also contributing, because that's what a vicious cycle is. I do this behavior, that makes you want to do that behavior, the more you do that behavior, the more I do this behavior, back and forth, back and forth. So who's to blame? We both are. So here's an example from my marriage. My wife can have a tendency to be passive. She's very easygoing, very easy breezy, very type B. I'm more type A. And so when I notice my wife is being very lackadaisical, laissez faire, I tend to take over because I feel like I need to take over and get things done for both of us. To her, that feels controlling. So the more she feels like I'm taking over, the more laissez faire she becomes, the more easy breezy she becomes because she feels like I just want things my way. The more passive she becomes, the more I feel like I have to take over and do it all. And I start feeling resentful because I feel like everything's on my shoulder, so I have to take over further. The more I take over further, the more controlling that feels for her, and she becomes resentful and she resigns even more. That's an example of a vicious cycle. Who's to blame? Both of us. So spend some time thinking about what are your top three shortcomings as a partner, and then ask your spouse, would you agree with these three or would you change any of them? And what your partner thinks is what's going to stick because they're more objective observing you than you are observing yourself. Then your partner has to do the same thing. They have to identify what their three shortcomings are as a partner, and then they need to ask you, would you agree with this list or would you change anything? You have the final say on their list. Once you have the final list of your brokenness chart, start drawing a list between your items and your partner's items to identify and see what are our vicious cycles. Again, most couples have two to three, and they explain the majority of your conflicts. Number four, it's owning your side. In that dynamic with my wife, where I tend to take over and she tends to become passive, it's futile for me to blame her for my behavior. If I did that, if I said to her, it's your fault that I take over, that's me not taking any ownership for my side. So it's critical for me not to blame her for my behavior. And that's a trap I see with a lot of couples. They'll say, I did this because you did that. But that logic is flawed because therefore I'm never responsible for me. I'm always blaming you for my behavior. Now, obviously, how your partner behaves is gonna influence how you want to react, but you have to remember it's always a choice how you respond back to your partner. And the brokenness chart helps you take ownership for your side of the street, and that's essential to stop having the same arguments over and over, is you have to own what are you doing? How are you contributing? How are you making things worse? And you own that without blaming your partner for those behaviors. And that leads me to number five work on your side. So, in the example with me taking over and my wife becoming passive, we're not gonna get anywhere if I'm just blaming her for my behavior, and we're not gonna get anywhere if I don't work on me. I can't control her being passive, I can't make her less easy breezy. All I can control is myself. So, how can I better handle those moments where I want to take over because she's being passive? I have to raise my awareness. I have to recognize if I just take over because she's being passive, that's gonna come across as controlling, and she's gonna become even more passive. So that's not the solution. And I can't blame her for me. So then I need to explore other options. What else can I do when I start feeling like she's passive instead of just taking over? So that would be my homework. That's what I would have to think about. That's what I would have to explore because that's me taking ownership and working on me. And I highly encourage you to do the same. You cannot control your partner, your partner's behaviors do not justify your behaviors. So you have to think about what are you doing that's contributing to these same arguments, and you start working on you. You start changing you, and that will change the system in your relationship, and that will decrease those arguments. So those are five steps on how to stop having the same argument. Number one, identify your underlying resentments. Number two, resolve those resentments. Number three, identify your vicious cycles. Number four, own your side. And number five, work on your side. Thanks for tuning in to the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast. If you found this helpful, please leave a review. If you know of other couples struggling, share this episode with them. To download my free worksheet on this episode for further application, go to my website and click on marriage podcast. And finally, if you have questions you want me to address on this podcast, send an email to info at drwyattfisher.com and in the subject line, write podcasts. Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you in the next one.