Trading Self for Us Transforming Relationships with Compassion

Have you ever caught yourself in the mirror of your relationship, only to see a reflection marred by unintended selfishness? Our latest episode takes a heartfelt look into the subtleties of how selfish behavior can creep into our most cherished bonds. We draw from the teachings of Galatians 5 to contrast living in the spirit with living in the flesh, exploring how each manifests in our daily interactions. I even open up about a time when I had to give up my beloved motorcycle for the sake of my relationship, underscoring the sacrifices sometimes needed to foster mutual growth and happiness.

Navigating the complex terrain where personal desires intersect with our partners' needs is no simple task. We recount tales from my own life, such as my father's impromptu car purchase, to illustrate the consequences of one-sided decision-making. These stories serve as cautionary tales, reminding us of the value of communication and understanding in any partnership. Whether your relationship is in full bloom or facing some turbulence, we bring insights that will help you invest in a future where empathy and compassion are at the core of your connection.

Wrapping up the episode, we shine a light on the integral role of selflessness in relationships, taking cues from scripture and the wisdom it imparts. By fostering habits like active listening and inclusive decision-making, we can each contribute to a more loving and supportive partnership. Stay tuned for our upcoming interviews with couples who embody these principles, as we continue to pursue the true essence of a thriving marriage. Join us, and let's embark on a journey of self-discovery and relationship enrichment together.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Selfish is that you have a lack of compassion. You, you see things happening with people and you have a disregard for their pain, their problem. You have a disregard for anybody other than yourself, and so it's just important that we realize that and you. One of the things we're looking at, some scriptures and that go along with that, and one of the scriptures that I love to kind of help us to use as a heart check, is Galatians 5, because Galatians 5 shows you what you should become and what you should not become, and so if you've never read the Bible, check out Galatians, chapter 5. It's a really good picture of what it looks like to. It talks about walking in the spirit and walking in the flesh, and so if you are selfish, more than likely you're walking in the flesh. So the first one we're going to talk about is a lack of.

Speaker 2: 0:50

Compassion and I think, even when you think about it from the compassion aspect, it comes back to when we should always be putting our Significant other our spouse, our boyfriend, girlfriend ahead of us, because that's where it starts at, when you are constantly putting yourself in front of the other person's well-being and what's best for the relationship.

Speaker 1: 1:13

That's a sign that that selfishness is taking root and it can become a real issue later on yeah, and I think and Not even think that it's an it's an area that, like I said, I think it's a blind spot. If you think that being selfish is a blind spot, I want you to put that in check. Watch it now. If you watch them later, I want you to put that in the spot in the chat, because I think so many times we don't ask ourselves the hard questions and because we don't ask ourselves the hard questions, we really never.

Speaker 1: 1:43

Because, like people say, well, I wonder why I'm not married or I wonder why I don't have any friends, well, these are things you can kind of do as a heartbreak, and it's not to say that if you're not married or if you're single, that there's something wrong with you, because that's not what we're saying. We're saying that and it's not to say that because you're not married or you're single, that you're selfish. But I think that it's just important that, even when people are married, you are constantly doing things to examine yourself, to look at yourself, to say where the areas where I need to grow and I need to get it's a constant where it still comes back, that lack of compassion.

Speaker 2: 2:19

Where you are are focused more on Whatever your needs are and what you're trying to accomplish, more than what's best for the particular situation or circumstance you may be going through for the better, for the betterment of the relationship. You know this is one of those areas or topics when you think about selfishness. Nobody wants to be labeled selfish, nobody wants to think of themselves as being selfish, but I think we have a tendency to overlook some of the things that we are inherently selfish about. Right, when there are certain things that I Feel like what I need or what I want is more important than the particular thing that I'm being asked to give up, just using Just something. That's simple.

Speaker 1: 3:05

Let's use your motorcycle.

Speaker 2: 3:08

What about it?

Speaker 1: 3:10

You selflessly gave it up.

Speaker 2: 3:12

Well, and I think, even when I think I was able to give it up because from the very beginning I don't know how many fellows are out there If you're in a relationship or marriage and one of the stipulations one of the stipulations. I'm looking back and forth between the camera and the chat. The one of the stipulations was when we got married was you can't have a motorcycle. Well, no, no, I was saying.

Speaker 2: 3:36

If you've ever heard that, if you ever heard that be uttered by your spouse or you say or yeah, where, because of a bad experience or something that happened to them that they may not have wanted to impact their relationship, they just said you know what? You can't have a motorcycle. Well, that was something, as they say, the non-negotiables. That was one thing that I had just desired and I wanted when we got married, that I want a motorcycle, cause I had already had one.

Speaker 1: 4:06

You know, I had one.

Speaker 2: 4:07

You know, I did not have a motorcycle before we got married. Once we got married, I did because that was a desire that I wanted Right, but we talked about that that you wanted to want Right, right, and because my mom was in the medical field, she didn't want to see because of the tragedies and accidents and all those kinds of things.

Speaker 1: 4:22

But sometimes, you know, Did they give me cool points when I said I wanted you to have a motorcycle.

Speaker 2: 4:26

Yeah, oh, definitely. Well, because people have a, they want to be protective of you. So they think, by them preventing or saying you cannot do something or have something.

Speaker 2: 4:37

you know in that situation that all they're doing is delaying. It doesn't disregard or get rid of the desire. It was still there. But over time, when you want to do what's best for your relationship if I know it's going to cause you a lot of worry, if I'm out riding or whatever the case may be, I have to decide is what my desire to have more important than your wellbeing? That's kind of the scenario that just came to mind. So we thank you for joining us. We had a little technical difficulty starting out just trying to get started.

Speaker 2: 5:09

We actually just came from a wedding, so we are rushing to get back in so we could go live, because we made a commitment to do this and we want to stick to that, because we know you guys are sacrificing time to come on for these Saturday night live sessions.

Speaker 1: 5:23

Remember, you told me that I'm going back and forth, I'm looking at the computer right here, so I'm looking right here too.

Speaker 2: 5:28

So we made the commitment to do these live sessions with you guys and hang out with you, because this is something that is important to us to do, not just as the building of the community, but just because we know the investment and the time, effort and energy it takes to invest in your relationship, where, if this is something and we want to make deposits and contributions to something and even bringing these kind of topics that sometimes you may not think why is this important? We're good right now. Our relationship is good. We're not going to do this.

Speaker 1: 6:00

The good thing about YouTube. This video will be up, and maybe you are not selfish, maybe it's not something you're struggling with, but it's something to be mindful of. Another sign that you're selfish is one sided decision making.

Speaker 2: 6:15

Yeah, I think about. I remember a story that my mom told us when they were my mom and dad. When they were together and my dad came home, he decided he wanted a new car. So guess what he did? He went out and bought him a car. Yeah, without talking to my mom, he just seen what he wanted. He just bought it, brought it home, drive home, and you can just imagine what that would do in your relationship where, if your spouse or significant other just went out, and ran.

Speaker 1: 6:46

Have you ever made a major purchase without consulting your spouse? Or someone in your life that was going to be impacted by it. Have you ever done that?

Speaker 2: 6:57

Well, he didn't and it was a problem and those types of things. But I just remembered that being, and looking at it from outside, looking in, I was like wow, even I was young. I was like how could someone do that? And it not be a problem To be that selfish, to where you want, what you want, what you want, what you want when you want it, how you want it, where you want it and in, regardless of the consequences, you just go for it.

Speaker 1: 7:23

Yeah, and I think a part of it is understanding that you can either learn from experiencing it or you can learn from watching other people, and I'm sure you have seen situations or maybe you've made a decision that you didn't consult the other person you're in a relationship with and you saw the impact of that. So you don't necessarily it doesn't have to be your experience. You can learn from other people. So that's why we wanna share our experiences and our stories and things you've gone through, because if we can help you not to go through it by us sharing it, then we are more than willing and open to share the parts of our life that we've grown from and we've learned from.

Speaker 2: 8:03

And I think the next one that we want to talk about was empathy. We've talked and done multiple episodes about empathy and we approach it from different directions, but if you do not have empathy in your relationship, it is going to wreak havoc on your relationship, because empathy is putting yourself in, trying to feel what your spouse feels and try to put yourself in their position, based on a decision that was made, based on what we're talking about tonight about Are you too selfish to be in relationships. That's what we're talking about tonight To where how it can impact your relationship. Because if you lack that or you have that limited level of intimacy or empathy, a limited level of empathy is going to be a deal breaker in a lot of situations.

Speaker 1: 8:53

And I think, sometimes what we don't think about, we don't think about how well, how can I become selfish? Well, it's human nature to be selfish. So what we want to do is, first, you want to point out well, maybe am I. It's not to say you have to have one of these to make you selfish. More than likely it's going to be more than one of these, it's going to be three, so there's five of them. If you find yourself struggling with four or five of them, more than likely you are too selfish to be in a relationship with someone else. But that's right now. But where you start off? The reason why we want to show you this? Because you want to know where you start off so you don't stay there.

Speaker 1: 9:33

So the next one is when it comes to insensitive communication, one of the things for me, I can say growing up, I grew up in an environment where there was a lot of verbal abuse and the communications were not mindful of how they would affect me, and so I think, like me and Gil first started, we got together and we started dating. We talked about the things that were very important to me, and being verbally abusive for me was a big thing. So what is an example of insensitive communication is when the words that you use and the phrases that you put together make the other person feel unseen, unheard and unvaluable. And so if that's a constant, it's not to say you can do this one time. But if that's your normal practices, if you automatically the first thing you want to do is demean or belittle the person, then you know that you have a very insensitive communication pattern.

Speaker 2: 10:37

You know you have to always be mindful of your tone, your volume, how you say. It's not a matter of you being right or wrong in the situation, whatever that may be, it's how did you come across when you were trying to communicate what was going on with the situation? If you are insensitive and can't, as they say, read the room to where you know when you say something and it either is a wrong tone or wrong volume, or wrong inflection all these different things that make up communication, if you try to bring it to a point to where it leads to miscommunication, that is a definite indicator that you're being insensitive when it comes to how you're communicating and that's going to lead to the selfishness when you think I don't have to change, I am the way that I am, this is just the way that it is.

Speaker 1: 11:28

That's another indicator of selfishness, and I think selfishness is something that if it's not, if it's not confronted, if it's not, if you make it a place, if you make selfishness a space in your relationship, then it's one to begin to degrade it. Because one of the things I think about we're talking about insensitive communications. You know how people play and they call each other out of their name and they call each other derogatory names. I always felt like you play, like you practice. So if someone is saying something to me in just it's just how they feel, and so you got to be careful about the sarcasm and the cynical remarks and the same things in a derogatory way, and then it's saying oh, I was just playing, I didn't mean that you know what is funny.

Speaker 2: 12:26

I remember when we were dating and we were just going through just really establishing our relationship, one of the bad habits that I had was sarcasm. I was very sarcastic in a lot of things that I said and that is a indicator of my own insensitivity, about my own levels of selfishness, to where I didn't care how it came across, I didn't care how it was perceived, and it had become such so ingrained in how I said things that I didn't realize that I was doing damage overall to the relationship because it had become a part of my habits. We have to be very conscious of the kind of habits that you are doing and having, because when you don't, it's going to have an impact in a relationship and then you'll sit back and say where did all this come from? Or when you get a negative response from your significant other or your spouse, you're going to say where did this come from? Where is all this happening from?

Speaker 2: 13:20

Well, if I have lived the life of sarcasm and the things that I said or how I say things to you, that's a bad habit. That is a habit that is going to erode, is going to tear down, is going to do the polar opposite of what I made desire, which is to build a good relationship with you. That is going to be something that I have to say. You know what I have? To change my habits or change my practices. If not, I'm going to be alone.

Speaker 1: 13:52

And I think a part to that is that when you grew up in an environment where everyone around you is cynical and sarcastic and negative, then it just becomes like, oh okay, but then when you're around someone else, they have a different experience. That's why relationships are important because they had a different experience, they had different exposure, so they're going to introduce to you what like for me, verbal abuse. I was like I can't take that. So that's why you have to be open to the other person, not being like you and bringing something to your attention that maybe you don't even realize is a problem.

Speaker 2: 14:28

Right, how about communication? You know, guys know that if you watch any of the videos or any of the things, we always talk about communication because it is the linchpin of every relationship that you have, whether it's one like this, of each other, of a spousal or significant other when you have inequality in your communication, that's where you are talking and having conversations, where it kind of goes back to what we said a little bit before about the one sided it's my way or the highway. What I say goes when you feel like you don't have a voice, when you feel like you don't have a say.

Speaker 1: 15:06

So the sixth. The fifth one is equality, and collaboration In collaboration to where?

Speaker 2: 15:12

and that stems from the kind of communication that you actually have.

Speaker 1: 15:16

And a part of this understanding that, in a marriage relationship, in a family relationship, in a dating relationship, it's not just what you want, it's not just what I think, it's not just what you think, it's what we both think, and that's where that's what kind of breaks down that selfishness. If you want to be in a relationship with somebody else, you are going to have to make sure that you take into consideration the fact that I'm not in this by myself. I do have to take into consideration Well, let me think about it. How does you feel about this?

Speaker 2: 15:47

You know, and that's a part of you guys' both having a say in how things go- Because if you feel like your voice is being stuff stifled or shut down or you don't have a voice in it, it's going to start building a. We call them bricks. Where you build these bricks up in your relationship to where you are not communicating, each brick builds a wall and as that wall gets built up, it is preventing you from having the type of relationship that you may want.

Speaker 1: 16:14

And I think one of the things and I think about being selfish, one of the things that I think being selfish does, is it puts you on the island of autonomy. Yeah, you can be by, you can have your own way, your own thoughts, your own views, your own. But the bad thing about being selfish is that if you know when someone is six or seven, you kind of expect that behavior from them. But as we grow and as we mature, we're supposed to be, we're supposed to be able to be able to not just think about ourselves, and so one of the things that I think that you know we're gonna transition now. So we talked about being selfish, right? So if that helps you, give us a part, give us a light Meek.

Speaker 1: 16:58

We appreciate it. Hey, mama meek, but I'm not gonna kind of switch gears to you talked about being selfish, and so we gave you five signs you might be selfish. So let's talk about being selfless, because that's the goal and what we have seen in relationships. Where there is selflessness, relationships thrive, they grow, they, they flow a lot better, and so why do we not understand that being selfless is what we're called to do in relationships, and so we're gonna talk about being selfish again. We talk about Galatians five. Galatian five shows the lust of the flesh, which will be selfish, and it's gonna show Galatians. The other part of it is the walking in the sphere, which is the fruit of the spirit, which would be being selfless.

Speaker 2: 17:47

So you think about? How many times do you put yourself ahead of or put others ahead of you?

Speaker 1: 17:55

So number one is you put others ahead of you.

Speaker 2: 17:58

Yeah, that well, we talked about where, if you have a lack of compromise now, this one is where you are actually Putting yourself second or third or fourth or whatever the numbering is in your particular position you got the other person yourself in regards to.

Speaker 1: 18:16

We're not saying that you are not valuable. We're not saying that we're talking about. In regards to Thinking of them you supposed to say to. The Bible says love the Lord, your God, with all your heart. Are you mine, are you straight and love your neighbor as yourself? So you supposed to love God and yourself? We're not talking about to the point of you giving up your values, your goals, your dreams. We're talking about you put them first when, like, if I make my plate, I should make, I'm gonna make yours face first because I'm gonna be second to him.

Speaker 2: 18:45

Yep, it's always something that you should work yourself out of. If you have a habit of putting yourself first, work yourself out of that habit by putting you, put you de-throne yourself. You're significant other ahead of yourself, like renais. Just use a simple example If we're eating or something like that, she tends to serve me first, not because it's her Wifely duties or her duty, but it helped.

Speaker 1: 19:10

The way that you get good at anything is that you practice doing the opposite. So the first thing I do is think about me. Then I have to learn how to think about somebody else, and that is what being married is about. It's about Serving someone other than yourself, serving God and other person, because marriages, like I said, marriages thrive where there is selflessness number two Two-way communication, two-way decision-making.

Speaker 2: 19:37

If you have a time where you like we mentioned already in the one-way decision when this person is always deciding this is how it's gonna go, this is where it's gonna be, and they are not listening or they're not in a position to where they want to even hear anything or anybody else's input, well, the way you get out of that selflessness or selfishness is by Taking the inputs of the person that is going to impact where they use that example of have you ever made a decision and not thinking about the consequences or the impact that it was gonna make on someone else.

Speaker 2: 20:12

Well, do the polar opposite of that and take others into consideration Before you make this. Just the key is before, right.

Speaker 1: 20:21

If you've already done it and then Consult it, you kind of put the cart before the horse because I'm like, if you really want to know what I thought, you should Ask me before you did it.

Speaker 2: 20:30

It's not that you did it, it wouldn't matter what I think, because it's an afterthought because how many times Do you really, when you know you want something, I mean, I'm just gonna be honest when you know you really want something or desire to have something, you're gonna go ahead and do that thing, as the old Zane go ask for forgiveness.

Speaker 1: 20:49

And we said a permission.

Speaker 2: 20:50

Yeah, no, we don't want to practice that. We don't want that to be the habit that we built, because that's going to build up resentment. That's going to build up where in your relationship, where you have, I have to start thinking about me. I'm gonna have to start thinking about me. If you're never going to put the other person first, then it's almost like every man for themselves or every woman for themselves to wear and and that's not something that you want to have as a habit in your relationship, because it is a two-way Teen or two person team.

Speaker 1: 21:21

What's a three person team? Because it's Jesus. You know Yep has to be, and so I think it's important when you think about that as far as how do you learn to be selfless? How did you learn to? In a part of it is that we get good at what we practice. So when you're single, all you have to think about is you and what you want and what you think and what you need and what you desire.

Speaker 1: 21:46

But when you are trying to go into a relationship with somebody else, you have to start considering them in the whole process.

Speaker 2: 21:52

So what is the one habit that we talked about? Communication all the time? Active listening is a key component in to breaking the cycle of selfishness. Right, active listening is where I'm listening Actively enough to wear. Whatever Renee is saying and she's talking to me about. I can actually bring it back to her About what it is that she said. Not using my words to describe it, I can use it to paraphrase, I can use it to say is this what you heard? And then I finish it up with is that right? Right, is that what? That's what.

Speaker 1: 22:27

I heard that means you want to hear.

Speaker 2: 22:30

Because if not, then you're going to find that miscommunication is a a a big indicator of Miscommunication or misunderstanding, that leads to that selfishness?

Speaker 1: 22:42

Yeah, not missing. So that's for. So was the fifth one. Oh, I don't know you got it.

Speaker 1: 22:48

You got it oh no, I was actually looking at something else. I was trying to text. I did know it's the fifth one. The fifth one is the fifth one. People on here, hey guys, we're so glad you're here.

Speaker 1: 23:05

If this is helping you now, or if it's helping you if you watch it now is helping you, you don't have to write Tartt, whatever you choose to do on the platform that you're on, and we are excited. We're excited to do a little pause right now. We are going to start interviewing couples again and we're gonna start on next Saturday and the couples that were interviewed we're gonna surprise, will let you know. We're gonna start doing having guests again. So if you're interested, if you're single or if you're dating a mayor or Mary, then you'd like to be a guest on the rich relationship refuge Podcast.

Speaker 1: 23:46

Go to our website at rich relationship refuge calm and go under book online, go all the way down to the bottom. There's a space where you can book. We're only doing on Saturdays from 7 30 until so you will start at 7 30, but the show is not till 8, and then we'll go on an 8 and it's from 8 until 8 30. So if that's up to your interest, it in, please, please, please, please, sir, please, ma'am go to the website at rich relationship, refuge calm and Sign up to be our guest and then the last one for the selfishness side is Volunteering give back.

Speaker 1: 24:19

Yeah, and, you know, one of the things I can say really helped me is when I am serving others. The greatest way for you to learn to get yourself out of the throne of your heart is to serve others. One of the reasons why we've been so committed to creating content on these platforms is because it's easy for us to have the attitude I'm married, it's good, I'm straight, I'm doing all of this stuff. The things that we tell you, the things that we practice, the things that we share with you guys, are things we're really doing. So the greatest way to get out of being selfish is to serve. Ask yourself who did I serve today? Who have I helped today? If you live in your life and the only person you're serving is you, the only person you're thinking about, is you the only person you're doing, that is a very easy way for you to really build up selfish. So the way to not be selfish, be selfless, is to serve others.

Speaker 2: 25:16

So we hope you got something out of it. It was five selfish, five unselfish, Selfless, Selfless Items. We hope you got something out of it. We're doing these lives on Saturday night. If you like the time, you like the way it actually fits into your schedule and you can jump on there with us for a few minutes. We try to keep them a little bit short because we know some people have date nights on Saturday night.

Speaker 2: 25:39

Some people have things that they want to do, some people just want to sit and chill and watch movie nights, and we thank you for just sharing some of your time with us. We appreciate it.

Speaker 1: 25:48

Please share this video with someone. Everyone share with someone. Leave us some comments, leave us some hearts. You love it, you hate it? Give us your feedback. We want to know what you want or what you need. Like we said, we're going to start back interviewing couples starting on next Saturday, so we'll see you guys next Saturday at 8 pm, central Standard Time. We have some technical difficulties today. We apologize for that. So if you couldn't find the first link and you're looking for the second link, here we are.

Speaker 2: 26:18

So we appreciate you guys. Y'all have a good night. We'll see you next week.

Speaker 1: 26:21

And we love you and you are more than enough. We'll see you next Saturday at 8 pm Central Standard Time. Thanks for watching now and later. Remember to like, subscribe, share, follow and download. We love you, bye, bye.