What Every Single Should Know Before Dating

Transcript

Introduction to Relationships

Speaker 1 0:04

Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil and Renee, where amazing things happen.

Speaker 2 0:10

Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore healthy relationships. We're live, hey, everyone.

Speaker 1 0:19

Hey.

Speaker 2 0:21

We are live and we hope you're ready for tonight's hot night.

Speaker 1 0:29

Now I know we always start out at least five or six minutes behind. It's always technical difficulty.

Speaker 2 0:36

Well, no, actually it wasn't technical difficulties, we had an issue with the link, so the whole back end of YouTube. If you put it in the wrong way, I'll mess it up, so forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, I am but a human.

Speaker 1 0:50

We charge it to the head and not the heart.

Speaker 2 0:53

Yeah, so we hope you guys are ready for tonight. You guys have been enjoying this. I hope you guys are enjoying it, and tonight is for our singles.

Speaker 1 1:03

We've been going for the past three, four, maybe five weeks of working and focusing on couples. But what if you're not a couple? Hopefully this will still be applicable. So if you know someone who's a single, we are focused on y'all, invite a man, invite a man. We focused on y'all tonight. You know, you ever had that time where you wish you would have had a guide or a benchmark or a baseline or some help some instructions about what should you do when you are starting to date, or should you be dating?

Speaker 1 1:40

Uh, if I am dating, should I have something that I'm looking forward to, or what should I be looking at?

Speaker 2 1:46

or looking for, yeah, and so that's what we're going to talk about tonight, and so we're going to have our 10 questions, 10 things that basically you need to know, or I wish I knew, or that will help you on your journey towards dating. I know some of you guys have probably had the wrong link. Again, I apologize for that. So we are going to we have the questions already ready and, as usual, put your questions in the chat or, if you're watching this, later on, put your questions in the comments and we will answer them. So we're going to both answer it, because it's for both males and females, it's basically for singles. So we're going to both answer it because it's for both uh, males and females, it's basically for singles. So we're going to answer the questions.

Speaker 2 2:29

Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Okay, I have something I want to say. Um, you know it's getting warm, it's starting to get colder, and so I want to say that I want. I was asking gil. I said what if? If you were a piece of, if you were a garment?

Speaker 2 2:49

what would you be A garment? A garment. If you were an article of clothing, would you be a pair of sweatpants or would you be blue jeans? In the way that you are in relationships, Is that rhetorical? No, I'm asking you, I want you to answer it, you want me to answer first. How about you go?

Speaker 1 3:09

Okay, I'm going to answer first, because you can tell she wanted to go first.

Speaker 2 3:11

I'm going to answer first, if I were a Garmin, I would be a pair of blue jeans, because one of the things I love about blue jeans is that blue jeans don't lie to you If you have gained weight. Guess what? Your jeans? They don't fit you. And so I think in relationships I'm the kind of person that if something is not working, I'm going to tell you, and so it's important that we are open to knowing, like I mean your jeans. You can blame the dryer, you can blame, but you can blame. But really the reason why the jeans don't fit it's because we did something too much of something or not enough of something. So that's what I would be if I were a article clothing. What would you be, baby?

Speaker 1 3:55

I just be. And you said, as it pertains to relationships. Yes, as it pertains to relationships. Of course I'm going to say the jeans would you be?

Speaker 1 4:03

jeans, because it will always force you to be get better. If you know you've gotten a little bit bigger, you know you need to do something to get a little bit smaller, Right? So that's why I'm going to say, which means, if you want to get better at doing something, you're going to have to put some work in. We talk about work all the time on this channel when it comes to your relationships, and the work that we are talking about tonight is actually in dating.

Speaker 2 4:28

Yes, it's going to be fun, I know.

Speaker 1 4:29

Renee said we got 10 questions, but we actually going to give you 15. We're going to 15, 5, 5, 5. Just remember 5, 5, 5. You can do 15? That's a lot. Well, 15 in different areas, because there's different stages and different things that you should be asking yourself as it becomes to getting married, or getting, or not getting married, but on the road to getting married. As far as dating, and the first area that we want to talk about is why, why do you date?

Speaker 2 4:56

We're going to give you five reasons about why you date, as we see it, because before we were married, we were dating date as we see it, because before we were married we were dating yes, and before you're dating you're single, and so just know that. This channel is designed to help us all at different stages in our life, because we all start off single.

Speaker 1 5:15

And the first one is you need it. You date. Why you date is to get to know someone. That's the first one and the reason, the reason. The reason, the reason why is because obviously, you have to know the person that you want to spend a lot of time with, for compatibility reasons or if you're even wanting to pursue a relationship. So I remember going back to this I asked our back in a few years. Back we were in another state and I used to be a police officer. We were traveling and I used to ask one of the patrolmen. I was like you know what? These are younger guys than I was. I had already been dating. I asked them what's the purpose of dating? You know how many answers I heard. I heard everything. This went on for like eight hours all night. Everybody had reasons and everybody had their own philosophy, but I came back with the reason that you date is preparation for marriage.

Speaker 2 6:10

Yes, I agree.

Speaker 1 6:14

That's just.

Speaker 2 6:15

And if you don't agree that dating is preparation for marriage, put it in the comment or the chat.

Speaker 1 6:22

And why you don't. Yes, you, you know. So the first one we were talking about is so you, the reason why you're going to be dating someone is to get to know them right.

Speaker 2 6:30

That's so important because, when we were dating, what was something that stood out to you as far as getting to know me, that was, let's say, a challenge for you well, because I am an extrovert and I am talkative and you are an introvert and you are a thinker, and at the time I didn't know that, and so one of the challenges was understanding how to get you to open up, and asking you over and over and over and over again was not a good strategy, and so a part of it is learning how to communicate with the person in a way that makes them open up. And so I realized for you, it was not asking you over and over again, it was just asking you what you think.

Speaker 1 7:11

And that's the operative word that you use in there is to learn, right, you know. So one of the main focal points should be is to learn this person. Learn things about them, be curious, be inquisitive about them. Be curious, be inquisitive that is the time to be all those things, because, as you are in a relationship and the longer it goes down the road, you're going to find that you're not going to talk as much as you used to talk when you were dating. I think that's where the first part, when you have that new feeling and it's something new you just want to know every single thing about this person because you're so focused on just them and you want to know every detail and hopefully that will continue throughout your relationship.

Speaker 1 7:48

But we have learned over the time of working with couples that it tends to decline and go back up unless something bad happens. When bad things happen, that's, it seems like focus of conversation becomes paramount. That's when you have a lot to say. But if you started out is to learn someone, then you'll know that's a habit that you need to keep going throughout your relationship. That's correct. So I'll give you the next one Build on your emotional intimacy.

Speaker 2 8:18

Yes, talk about that.

Speaker 1 8:18

I know that's your favorite topic.

Speaker 2 8:20

Yeah, intimacy. The reason why emotional intimacy is important is because intimacy emotionally, emotional intimacy is not sex. It's getting to know their temperament, it's getting to know their past, it's getting to know their views on things, and so I think a part of it is getting to know someone emotionally is more important than just getting to know them physically, because you have to be vulnerable, right, you have to be open, you have to trust that person.

Speaker 1 8:53

So I think that's an important because it's going to force you to go to a deeper level. It's going to force you to not stay so surface, because when you're first dating, that's where you always want to stay. Yeah, you only want to show the good part about it. We're talking about why dating, why do we date, why date at all? So that, where Renee is just talking about, emotional intimacy is going to allow you to go deeper, at a deeper level, because as you go deeper into the relationship, it's going to give you the ability to be more committed. It's going to be allow you to be more open with the person that you're with.

Speaker 2 9:28

Right, would you say. Would that be fair to say? Yes, it would be very, very much so.

Speaker 1 9:33

And I think that one thing that came out of that time when I was asking all the younger guys these are all single guys too, so they were asking, you know, a lot of them would say is to explore compatibility. So that's number three explore incompatibility. You know, how do you know if I'm even compatible with this person? First off, you got to talk and get to know them. But why is compatibility so important?

Speaker 2 9:53

Well, because it's just. It's just like, if you, as a woman, if you're trying to get together, you're trying to get ready, you want to make sure that things are coordinated and they match and they look good together. Well, it's the same thing with being compatible with someone. You need to know their values, you need to know their goals, you need to know their dreams, you need to know their deal breakers, and so you need to have an idea of their character. And so if those things don't line up, no matter how much you may be interested, if you're not compatible, it won't last.

Building Healthy Connections

Speaker 1 10:25

You know, I remember when I was dating, in the dating phase, even before Renee, I knew this but I didn't know it. I remember going on a date with someone and the person got into the car and I think I was maybe and I'm a very punctual person, I try to be on time for a lot of things. Even now, to this day, it's important to me and even then, when we were dating, it was important to be on time and I think it was traffic or something and I was late and I think it was only like two minutes or three minutes late and the minute this person this is the first date Now the person got into the car and they just went in just started talking about what?

Speaker 1 11:01

as far as about why I was late, as far as, like you were late, and all I heard was you remember that cartoon?

Speaker 1 11:11

And I was like I just met this person and they're already going in and before I could even put the car in drive, you know what I did. What'd you say? I said you know what, I don't think this is going to work. I ended it right then and there, before I even pulled out the driveway, I said you know what? You know that compatibility was totally off right from the very beginning, because can we discuss things Absolutely? But this person was going in. Yeah, I mean like hard, like complaining from the jump, not hey, and not even give me a chance to explain why I was late. Just, you were late and I just tuned it out. I instantly shut it off and they went in.

Speaker 1 11:52

I said let's end the date right now because it's still early. You got time to catch up with your friends, I got time to catch up with my friends and we can salvage a good day as far as a good night. It was like a Saturday night. You know you don't want to waste it. So imagine that you go down that road, you go on a date and you are in and I just seen it going downhill like this the whole night. So why would you try to salvage it? I just said you know what I'm going to cut it loose right now. And when I said that, she kind of looked at me like, are you serious? Yeah, yeah, I am. So that's one thing. So that's just something that came because we try to apply things that are actually happening in real life and that was something that happened in real life. So that compatibility is very, very much important. Because on the other side of that, what about the lifestyle? Do you think dating and knowing a person's lifestyle is important? Yeah, why?

Speaker 2 12:48

because if let's just say, for example, if and if I even not even like our exercise habits, our nutritional habits hi, welcome me. I'm so glad you're here. Um, if our lifestyles are different, then that's going to make it hard for you. It says the two should become one. And so if you're over here on the left and I'm on the right, then more than likely we're not even going to meet up, so we definitely can't be together.

Speaker 1 13:15

Right, and you think about that even from. I think another reason why we date is for some people date and this is nothing wrong with dating. For this reason we said it's for preparation for marriage. Some people just like dating for socialization.

Speaker 2 13:31

Yes, yes, that's just to be socializing, just to be hanging out, just having fun as long as you're dating, to be social, not because you don't like to be alone. Oh.

Speaker 1 13:39

Because if you have, you got to expand on that if you have a problem with being.

Speaker 2 13:43

Dating is not a solution for loneliness, because if you think that I'm going to date someone because I'm lonely, then basically you're putting the responsibility of your feeling fulfilled on another person. So dating should not be or getting married. You shouldn't be getting married because you're lonely, because a person can't feel that you have to be OK with you and being with you by yourself before you can give yourself to somebody else, wow, so I didn't think about it in that context.

Speaker 1 14:15

Because you think about when you first started dating. You're not thinking I'm just doing this to be alone, or is that your motivation? I think that requires somebody to be really thinking about and having a plan of why am I dating in the first place, which is what we're talking about on this Thursday Night Live. You just joined us, welcome, welcome, welcome. So we are talking about it, so socializing and having fun, which is not a problem, but I still think you have to have a plan for the purpose of the person that you're with and hanging out Right.

Speaker 2 14:45

Exactly.

Speaker 1 14:45

You know because, like we talked about already about the lifestyle that, while that is important, you need to know, is this person even fun to be with? That's one thing I can say that is so important, and it continues on throughout the relationship, that you just enjoy each other's company.

Speaker 2 15:00

But you know what, babe? I didn't know that happened to you, I didn't know you put somebody out of your car.

Speaker 1 15:04

Oh, that happen to you. I didn't know. You put somebody out of your car. You still stuck on the first one. I did not put the person out. I asked them to get out because, to salvage their night, I was thinking about them.

Speaker 2 15:18

For all of y'all who think Gil is just quiet and I control him honey no. This man has a whole mind of his own and he's going to do what he want to do.

Speaker 1 15:29

He put the chick out. I didn't put her out of the car. Stop saying that. I didn't put her out, I just logically speaking. It just made better sense to me because I was already tuned out. This is for those who just jumped in. I did not kick this person out the car, I just said I want you to salvage your night.

Speaker 2 15:50

I'm going to release you into your destiny.

Speaker 1 15:53

Moving on. How about that? So we're going to move on to the last reason and I mentioned it already and I already mentioned it is to find a life partner.

Speaker 1 16:03

This is a life partner. So when we started dating, we knew that we wanted to be together, even early in our relationship. I can say that even when we were dating at the very beginning, even though we had known each other for a while. You're dating because some people are wanting to get married. If you're listening, single doesn't mean you're young and just a teen, preteen, pre twenties, thirties ors you could be older and still be single. Yeah, and these still are very, very much.

Speaker 2 16:28

And you can be married and you still need to date. Dating is a part of your life forever, and so that's why I thought it was really cool when the Lord gave this to talk about. Dating is that dating is not just for teenagers, it's not just for singles, and guess what? You can date yourself.

Speaker 1 16:48

OK, go ahead, Explain that one one, because some people are like what are you talking?

Speaker 2 16:50

about because we talked about I did like a little short talking about self-care. You one of the things, um, we have a lot of people in our life that we love and we are grateful for, but you should be able to do stuff with yourself. Have you ever gone to a movie by yourself? Have you ever all the things you want someone else to do for you? Do you get your own nails done? Do you get your own feet done? I don't do you. Oh, I know you don't like.

Speaker 2 17:17

Oh, you're talking to the ladies so date yourself and if you're married, date your mate. So if you, if you say, well, I'm sitting on a honey body, date yourself, enjoy yourself. Enjoy the, the freedom to go where you want to go and eat the food you want, to go to the restaurant you want to do, enjoy that, because if you can enjoy dating you, I guarantee you that somebody else will enjoy dating you you know, and there's nothing wrong with the last reason we were talking about is finding that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, right Because you may be in the latter stages of life that you're saying you know what.

Speaker 1 17:54

I don't want to be out here messing around because we all know that there's some craziness going on, you know. But on the same token, there's nothing wrong with making that be known from the jump, from the very. Just like me and that girl in the car, I wanted to have a good time from the very beginning. But if you're already nagging and going in, you know what? Let's just cut the losses.

Speaker 2 18:16

You know what? Okay, so we're going to segue into the other part of this. So this is, this is what dating is and what dating does, and then this is when you shouldn't date. You should not date if you still have pain from your past. You haven't unpacked.

Speaker 2 18:35

And one of the things that Gil said in another another one of our videos. He said the reason why he um enjoyed me because he said I was fun and I and I was laughing and and I was like it all makes sense now Because he had these experiences. So Gil and I are having this conversation we're talking about today. Please do not introduce someone to your representative, but please introduce people to the best version of you. We all have bad days, we all have things that are happening, but if you're still so angry and upset and bitter about what happened to you, let's just even say before you get on a date, then you don't need to be dating yet. You need to know how to compartmentalize, which is something I think that men are really good at compartmentalize, which is something I think that men are really good at compartmentalizing how you feel, so that this person does not get what happened to them, to you, today, spilled onto them.

Speaker 1 19:34

Yeah, because that process of we all have past experience and things that we have come out of. But when you carry that forward into a new relationship, that somebody that you just met, it's not fair to them because they didn't they had no idea.

Speaker 2 19:49

They didn't do anything, they just showed up.

Speaker 1 19:51

Right, but if you are still holding them accountable for your past hurt and pain, that is something that you really need to resolve at the very beginning. So what we're talking about now, if you just joined us on this Thursday night live session, we're talking about why you should be dating, why you shouldn't be dating and some of the things that you can actually look out for and the first one is about when you probably shouldn't be dating right now is if you're still dealing with some personal pain from your past with some of the other ones.

Speaker 1 20:17

How about this one Unrealistic expectations?

Speaker 2 20:22

In the chat. If you've had unrealistic expectations before, put what that expectation?

Speaker 1 20:28

was what does that look like? You start a date out with someone and you expect them to do A, b, c, d, because let's just say your past experiences with boyfriend, girlfriend, a, b, c, whatever, I have a good one, ok, go ahead.

Speaker 2 20:42

So if you're going on a date and you expect someone to spend $300 on the date, that's unrealistic or you think it should cost a certain amount.

Speaker 2 20:54

If you're already going to the date. Oh, we're going on a date. We got to spend at least $300. That's unrealistic, because what if the person that you're going on a date with planned something that was like that didn't cost anything, but it was amazing? Like they plan to take you and they're going to be on the river and you're going to paint and eat. What if, what if, what if it's not about the money? So I think sometimes, if we make a monetary requirement, I think that that can be an unrealistic expectation.

Speaker 1 21:28

You know, because I think you also have. I think sometimes, when you're starting out, you have this mindset already etched in your mind how something is supposed to go or be, or even a person is supposed to behave a certain way or do a certain thing. Well, that's an unrealistic expectation, because when you already go in having there's nothing wrong, there's a difference between a standard and an expectation, exactly.

Speaker 2 21:52

A standard is what I uphold for me. An expectation is what I demand of you.

Speaker 1 21:58

Whoa Say that again.

Speaker 2 22:00

A standard is what I live up to for me, and our expectation is a demand that I put on you Right, either whether it's communicated or if it's uncommunicated.

Speaker 1 22:11

And that's a good point, because sometimes, if the expectation is not communicated, that's even a problem too. But guess what? Most people will still expect you to meet it Right. So how can somebody meet an expectation that you never told them that was out there?

Speaker 2 22:25

They're supposed to be able to read your mind. Oh, okay, yeah, that's. Another unrealistic expectation is to expect someone to be able to read your mind.

Speaker 1 22:33

Okay, how about this one? You're a spiritual mismatch.

Speaker 2 22:39

Unequally yoked. That's what the Bible calls it.

Speaker 1 22:40

We are followers of Christ and believers and that's what we follow in. So we use that as a gauge, that as a foundation.

Speaker 2 22:46

yes, when we, when we got, when we started dating, we were both heathens. Neither one of us were believers, neither one of us were christians.

Speaker 1 22:52

That's still a funny word to me. That just makes me sound crazy. You can just imagine people running around acting nutty, and we probably were but you should have the same faith.

Speaker 2 23:05

System beliefs, um, either you're both believers or one is a believer one. If you're both believers or you're both not believers, it's really hard when you are a believer and you want to, and I. I think it's even wrong for us, as believers, to have an expectation of godly behavior from people who have not committed to follow christ and I would even say that, while we are followers of christ, everybody may not be whatever your religious or your spiritual? Faith. Your faith base is, it should be equal.

Speaker 1 23:37

It should be the same. Yeah, because imagine you get mixed up with someone who is totally opposite of what you may believe.

Speaker 2 23:44

You're gonna follow each other, do you think?

Speaker 1 23:46

that's going to cause a conflict.

Speaker 2 23:47

Yes, it is.

Speaker 1 23:48

Let us tell you from experience over 18 plus years of working with a lot of people that are faith and not faith. It's going to be a problem because you are so focused on man. This person looks so good, she smells so nice, you know, she's so peaceful.

Speaker 1 24:07

They have all these positive qualities and characters and attributes but you're ignoring a foundational thing that should be a deal breaker for you. Yes, but you accept it and just decide oh, we're gonna make it work. No, or don't use this one. They can change, or you can convert them.

Speaker 2 24:25

No, dating is not evangelism. If you find someone who has shared your.

Speaker 1 24:30

Yeah, Don't. Don't use that as a guideline. Please, please, please. We've seen it multiple times where people compromise. You're better than compromising. Don't tell yourself short and compromise on something that is a foundational principle for you and you just overlook it or ignore it. That's not fair to yourself.

Speaker 2 24:48

You have to compromise in the relationship because it's you and the other person, but you never compromise your values. You can compromise your position, you can compromise on you're going to go to dinner or lunch, but you should never compromise on your values.

Speaker 1 25:03

How about this one? You find yourself do not date. If you find yourself needing to manipulate or give ultimatums to a person to get them to go out. Yeah, that doesn't work. Why doesn't it work?

Speaker 2 25:18

Because the only control that God gives us is self-control, and to think that you can control another human being is an effort and futility.

Speaker 1 25:30

And I would even say sometimes this will be. You may be on the receiving end of this one. If someone is manipulating or kind of giving you ultimatums for dating them, that should be a red flag a warning sign Run, run run yeah, because if not, you're going to find yourself starting to second guess.

Speaker 2 25:50

Well.

Speaker 1 25:51

And compromising. Right, you know your values, and so that manipulation, what does that look like? That may look something like well, if you really like me, like you say you do.

Speaker 2 26:02

Yeah, always try to flip it around.

Speaker 1 26:04

When someone tries to flip it around or redo that reverse psychology, make it seem like you're the problem. You may want to say whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, this is not how it's going to work, because if they're starting to manipulate now, Right, it's only going to escalate. Or it may look like something like he may say something like well, I'll go out with her instead of you. Or I'm interested in her instead, or I'm trying to decide between you and her.

Speaker 2 26:31

Oh my God, this is not a restaurant menu, you are not an option, you are the priority, and if someone can't make you the priority male or female then that's not someone that's for you. The person that's for you is going to make you their priority.

Speaker 1 26:45

And this one kind of goes back into what Renee described, the one of don't date if you feel pressure from peers, oh yeah.

Speaker 2 26:56

Girl you ain't got no man. Man you ain't got no woman.

Speaker 1 27:00

Like dude when you gonna have kids.

Speaker 2 27:03

One of the things well, we got married really young. But one of the things that I realized that people will ask you questions that they know the answer to, and so I always answer questions with questions when people ask me like, well, you had that baby yet yeah, I had that baby. I'm pregnant again. So people ask you you're not dating yet yeah, I'm dating. Oh, really dating myself.

Speaker 2 27:26

Because so many times when people see you doing things that they can't do or they didn't do or they wish they would have done, it's easier to critique than to compliment. Be okay with you, because when we say you are more than enough, we are not just saying that, we mean that and they're, we're both gills in the air force. So I'm, I have spent not anymore a year alone without my husband and guess what, I didn't die. So a year, 12 months, and I already was in a relationship. So when you're, when you've already used to being with someone, you can spend a whole year. So anything that you think you want, you're saying, okay, I want to get married, okay, be able to spend at least that amount of time by yourself.

Speaker 1 28:16

Right, you owe that to yourself. It should be a personal choice. It should be something that you're deciding when you're ready. Because Not because- of a clock or oh my gosh, I don't know what that clock looked like and I've never seen it, you know.

Speaker 2 28:28

but that's the clock.

Speaker 1 28:29

Don't let the clock control, or even the one of pressure from family members or mom's dads and talking about well, this is for my older folks. You know I want grandbabies. Some people don't need to have no kids.

Speaker 2 28:45

Well, tell them to go borrow somebody's you know practice Get a puppy go visit.

Speaker 1 28:54

Work and serve at church, because that still goes back to you having pressure put upon yourself to do something that you may not want to. You may be on this journey of self-discovery and trying to figure out what is it that I'm really looking for. And if you feel that societal pressure of get out there and go date just date a lot of people and figure it out Figure it out as you go along or just pressure from a lot of different sources, you may want to say you know what?

Speaker 2 29:14

if you feel pressure from other people to make a decision, you owe it to yourself. I did the video. No, it's really a really real word by itself. No or no, Thank you. You know, we have to be able to be confident enough, because one of the things my godmother would always say I want you to make your own mistakes Right. So I want you to make decisions. If you're going to make mistakes, if you're going to fall off you're going to love, do it because it's what you want, not because of somebody else.

Speaker 1 29:45

I love this. It's a complete sentence.

Speaker 2 29:47

Yes, a complete sentence, Thank you.

Speaker 1 29:50

That's Blanche, and I'll give you one last one. This is from my guys. If my guys are out there listening, be financially stable. Oh, it's for the girls too If you ain't ready, do not go out there. If you cannot treat your future wife, woman, girlfriend, fiance, whatever you want to call them, I ain't saying you got to give them the best, but you should give them the best.

Speaker 2 30:16

It doesn't have to be a financial amount. No, you should date within your income.

Speaker 1 30:24

That's what we're talking about Flat out money. I'm just going to call it like it is. If you cannot afford something, be okay with that and say that from the very beginning, because that comes back to the compatibility, that comes back to being transparent and being honest with it, because if you don't have it, you don't have it. Because, guess what? You can go on dates and it not cost you anything.

Speaker 2 30:44

If you have to borrow to go on a date, you're not ready to date. Yeah. If you have to borrow to go on a date, you're not ready to date. Yeah. Yeah. If you have to sacrifice, well, I can't pay the light bill, but we're gonna go on a date. No, you're not ready to date yeah, you need to again.

Speaker 2 30:58

You need to spend some time with you and a budget and I'm building the whole. You can help you get all that together, because you need to learn how to manage money before you decide you're going to be in a relationship with somebody else.

Speaker 1 31:09

Yeah, and I'm not saying you got to be able to offer someone filet mignon and a very, very expensive car to a very, very expensive place. You have to be able to offer the best you can by being stable in your financial resources.

Speaker 2 31:22

That you can afford to pay within your rent or not charge Right, unless you're using your debit card, because that's, that's a real big thing, because family sex and money destroys more relationships than um that we're aware of.

Speaker 1 31:38

So don't, don't do that to yourself okay, before we start the last list that we're going to share with you guys tonight about when you things you should do, when you know you're ready today, we'll give you some indicators of that. What's these cards?

Speaker 2 31:51

We're going to play a game y'all tonight.

Speaker 1 31:53

Oh Lord we're going to play a game.

Speaker 2 31:57

I got the cards.

Speaker 1 31:58

What are these cards? These are cards I'm going to be honest with y'all. I know she got them.

Speaker 2 32:05

We had two different cards. One of them is called Happy Hour, and then these cards. They have a brain on them and I'm going to put the link for these in our in the description.

Speaker 1 32:17

I put that note in there. If you're interested, good conversation.

Speaker 2 32:20

These are 52 essential relationship skills and one of the things that we realize is we try to talk a lot about communication. And one of the things that we realize is we try to talk a lot about communication. But if I had to say the secret sauce in a relationship in our book Rich Relationships, our merit of the marriage, the rich, the rich relationship refuge, the workbook.

Speaker 2 32:39

We talk about the tie, which it is trust, identity and empathy of all the couples we work with over the years, the one thing that we have noticed the secret ingredient missing in most relationships is empathy, and I have a question for y'all, because you know, we hear everyone's always talking about this alpha female, this is just me, my question.

Speaker 1 33:04

I really want to know legitimately. This is totally off. I don't know where she's going, y'all, so I'm along for the ride. To me, this is totally off. I don't know where she's going, y'all, I'm along for the ride.

Speaker 2 33:09

Come on, okay. Is an alpha female, something that is genetic in the way God wired you, or is an alpha female, a female with low empathy and emotional intelligence?

Speaker 1 33:26

Hmm, I would say, if you want to respond to a lady.

Speaker 2 33:31

we know some people are in here. I'm not trying to step on nobody's toes, I'm just wondering.

Speaker 1 33:35

Ask the question again one more time.

Speaker 2 33:37

Is an alpha female. When you think about the definition of what that is, is that something that is by design?

Speaker 1 33:49

That's how you are.

Speaker 2 33:50

That's how God wired you to be an alpha female, or is that a result of a woman who has any low emotional IQ and low empathy?

Speaker 1 34:00

If you want me to answer it. No, let's just leave that. That's going to be rhetorical, that's going to be the question.

Speaker 2 34:06

So each week, I'm going to ask one like that.

Speaker 1 34:08

So I would say, put that in the chat. If you're watching this later, by all means respond, because we want to hear what you guys have to say, because that may lead into another segment or another conversation we have on these Thursday Night Lives.

Speaker 2 34:20

But let's, let's say that because this is what we're going to work on building, because, unlike your IQ, your EQ can increase, and we have episodes on Pi emotional intelligence. We have an assessment on our website, a free emotional intelligence assessment, because the more I interact with people, the more I live life, the more I work with couples, I realized that that's something that people don't really pay attention to. Everyone says be kind. But how does that? How do you do that? And I would just talk to a little about today and say well, when we have empathy, it being kind just comes natural.

Speaker 1 35:03

So, for those who may not be familiar with empathy, why don't you share with them, as just give an example, a brief definition of how you see empathy? What is empathy?

Speaker 2 35:14

Sympathy is. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 35:17

I'm sorry, you feel that way.

Speaker 2 35:18

I'm sorry you feel that way here? Here's a dollar. Sympathy is I step Empathy, empathy, that's empathy. So empathy is I'm so sorry, oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you?

Speaker 2 35:32

What can I do to help you? How can I serve you? How can I and you even begin to feel what they feel? So I think of empathy is your pain in my heart. So I actually feel it, and empathy requires that you stop and slow down and you think about this from the other person's perspective, where sympathy, you can be in motion. Empathy requires that you stop and step with.

Speaker 1 35:57

I would even say that part is the connection. You actually feel something for what that person may be going through, right? So that's what we're talking about. So, if you want to answer that question I see somebody answer this I think it could be a little mixture of both. It can be, yeah absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 2 36:14

I do too, but I think about it because I know for us. I mean, I'm Black and I know that we can be a little bit hard. We can be.

Speaker 1 36:23

That may be a whole nother string of things.

Speaker 2 36:26

So we are going to always. So we're going to be working on we're going to always be working on things to help us to build our empathy. So, even behind the scenes, you'll be playing a game. We're going to be building your empathy muscles, y'all.

Speaker 1 36:38

So let's do three. Let's do three questions, three cards. And then we're going to give you the indicators. Of you are ready today, so she's just pulling these at random. Are these going to be questions you ask me, or we just?

Hot Topics for Singles

Speaker 2 36:51

ask okay, the way that it works, the rules. They have rules and I love that it explains it and it gives you some guidelines okay okay.

Speaker 2 37:00

So the rules are be respectful, stay curious, show respect. Okay, okay, so and so. So this is a relationship building block, and so then all the different letters. So basically, I'm going to ask you a question, and it even talks about making sure that you if, even if you disagree, you do it in a way where it's respectful of the other person, and I love what miss t just said here.

Speaker 1 37:28

I'm an alpha female and for me it's respectful of the other person and I love what Miss T just said here.

Speaker 2 37:30

I'm an alpha female.

Speaker 1 37:31

And for me, it's how God designed me, as I have been told by my mom that I have always been strong minded, but I also have empathy. That is like a man.

Speaker 2 37:42

It's a superpower. I think that when you because I have been, I never saw myself that way, but I guess that is who I am, but I have always been strong minded and driven and um, but when I developed empathy, when I learned it was like a superpower.

Speaker 1 38:00

It was like oh my.

Speaker 2 38:01

God. So you got this big motor and you got a stern where you can control it Right. I think empathy helps you to do that.

Speaker 1 38:07

So let's ask the question. Okay, so you can share these questions with your significant other, somebody you're dating with or married, or if you're watching, even though this is a singles focus right now tonight. But so this is go ahead.

Speaker 2 38:19

OK, so it's. It says listen. What can I do to help you see, hear, feel and know that I am listening?

Speaker 1 38:29

OK, read it one more time, for so it says hear, feel and know that I am listening.

Speaker 2 38:33

Okay, read it one more time for her. So it says listen.

Speaker 1 38:39

What can I do to help?

Speaker 2 38:40

you see, hear, feel know that I am listening.

Speaker 1 38:41

Wow, and these are rhetorical questions and they are there to challenge you. No, I want you to answer. Oh, you want me to answer.

Speaker 2 38:47

I want you to answer. Oh, you want me to answer, then I'll answer. Ok, and then. And then it also says it says describe a time when you felt heard and unheard.

Speaker 1 38:54

OK, so read the question one more time, just to just jump in. And what?

Speaker 2 38:59

can I do to help you see, hear, feel, know that I am listening.

Speaker 1 39:05

I would say start out. We kind of had this happen this afternoon that when we're talking, look at me, make eye contact with if that means putting your phone down, put your phone down so I can have 100 percent of your attention. And so that's something that if I'm talking and I'm explaining something to you or sharing something with you, if by just like what you're doing right now, then I know I have your undivided attention. That's how I would know.

Speaker 2 39:35

Yeah, so it says see, hear, feel and know that I'm listening. So describe a time when you felt heard.

Speaker 1 39:44

That same situation, cause you actually stop, you put your phone down and you actually acknowledge what I was saying. You showed me empathy about the situation, how I felt you. You said, okay, I will work on that, and you and she didn't give me any other um follow-up with that. It wasn't a well, this is why, or wasn't an explanation. She just acknowledged it, accepted it and said, okay, yeah. So now same question to you.

Speaker 2 40:11

Okay, um, and when you felt it says and a time when you felt unheard Prior to that prior to that, when you before you didn't put the phone down. Let me tell y'all what happened what had happened was, well, we were having a conversation and I am, I will have. I do that, wait, what did you say? But I also.

Speaker 1 40:34

That's what it looks like y'all.

Speaker 2 40:35

But I also will go into like five different lanes.

Speaker 1 40:41

I'm like changing lanes and my changing lane and Gil was like you need to put your turn signal on when you change topics and change lanes, because I can't keep up and so I said, okay, you know what, I'm sorry, I'm gonna, I'm gonna work on that.

Speaker 2 40:54

I'm changing lanes. I need to physically say I'm sure, because I realized that we're just we, you know, hey, we're. He's a male, I'm a female, we're just different, so so I okay. So when was the time that I felt hurt, a time that I felt hurt?

Speaker 1 41:10

A time that I will. I know what you're going to say because it just happened not too long ago, but go ahead.

Speaker 2 41:13

Well, we're trying to find someplace to live, oh no, this is a new one so. I've been working on it and he said babe, I really appreciate how hard you've been working to find something because it's a lot of work and I appreciated you because you said that, because you that's something that was. I mean, you didn't have to, but you noticed it. So I felt, I felt seen, I felt heard. And a time when I did not feel heard.

Speaker 1 41:44

If you don't have it, I can give it to you.

Speaker 2 41:46

I can tell you patio furniture.

Speaker 1 41:48

Oh, okay, yeah, we shared that with you on a couple of episodes back where we were in the process of moving and Renee expressed to me how important it was for her to have some patio furniture that we had at our old house before we moved here and I just dismissed it and just eh I forgot about it.

Speaker 1 42:04

Yeah, and just casted it off and didn't take it as serious as it meant to her. So she said it multiple times but I just kind of dismissed it and so that caused a big riff and we had a conflict and we resolved it. That's why she don't remember it, which is good. So I know we went a little bit long on that one, but since we try to keep these under an hour, so we want to give you guys the five things that you know that you can date Not that we're giving you permission that you're ready, ready to actually date. The very first one I'm going to give you is that you have is the opposite of what we said in the very beginning that you have been healed or that you are healed from your past hurts and pains from previous relationships.

Speaker 2 42:46

And the way you'll know you're healed from something is because the Bible says out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. When you can stop talking about it, then you are healed from it. If you're still talking about it to everybody that will listen, you're not healed from it yet. If you talk about it and it makes you break down in tears, you're not healed from it yet.

Speaker 1 43:09

And talk about it and it makes you break down in tears, you're not healed from it yet and hopefully you're not breaking down in tears on a date yeah so this is why we say think about these things before you go down that road, then you'll know, I may not be ready just yet, because you, and that's okay. Yeah, that is definitely OK, you should take that time.

Speaker 2 43:29

There is. You cannot decide, you can't say OK, I give you 30 days and you got to know that's not the way, that's not the way we heal. So give yourself the time, because you want to be able to give the best version of yourself to this other person and to God and to you. So take the time, slow down and get here.

Speaker 1 43:48

Number two. Ask yourself this question Do I communicate effectively? When we talk about communicating effectively, we're talking about not only assertive communication, talking about what you actually need from this person, but also are you listening, to understand, right?

Speaker 2 44:08

And so many times we think that communication is talking. And I mean how many of us? God gave us one mouth and two ears, two he wants us to see and hear more than one. So listening to understand, not to respond, not to fix yep, and this kind of goes back to part one.

Speaker 1 44:26

the third one is what are your? You have identified your relationship goals. What is it the reason why you want to start dating? Why are you going out there? As they say, I'm going to put myself back out there? Well, putting yourself back out there is a good thing, but what is your end result? What is your objective? What is it that you want to achieve by going back out there and dating? We gave you a list already at the beginning of this as far as about some of the reasons why people date, even if it's on that list.

Speaker 2 44:55

that's okay, If you just want to hang out with somebody.

Speaker 1 44:56

That's fine, but you need to know why you're going out there, because if not, you're going to be all over the place and you're going to just imagine jumping in your car without a destination in mind, just driving.

Speaker 2 45:09

Yeah, I remember once my sister, my little sister, she said I miss you, you miss me and I said well, what have you done to make you miss me? Miss you, I work at being missed. What are you doing to put yourself out there? What are you putting out there? Are you putting somebody that when they get in the car and you late, you're gonna go off on? They're gonna go off on the person? Are you putting yourself out there and the first person you're with you're gonna dump everything that happened to you like five years ago in a date? So when you put yourself out there, make sure you're putting not the perfect you not the real you not the real, but the real you that's on a journey of healing.

Speaker 2 45:51

One of the things I think about when Gil said she wasn't, she was fun.

Speaker 1 45:56

Talking about you.

Speaker 2 45:56

Yeah, will someone say, you're fun, because that is a thing you know, a part of the joy of the Lord. That's something that we should see in the life of a believer, and I think sometimes we can be so focused on religion that we lose sight of the joy of the Lord as our strength. And so get ready, let yourself, let God heal your heart.

Speaker 1 46:19

Number four we gave it the opposite of this one, that I am financially stable enough to actually go out on some days.

Speaker 2 46:27

I got my coins ready. I got some money saved. I got some money invested. I'm a giver saver and so therefore, you can really be a blessing to someone on a date.

Speaker 1 46:39

Right, and because I know when I've always used this rule when I was dating. If I'm asking you out, then it's on me. Yes, if I say, hey, let's meet up and offer an open invitation to, like a group of folks, I don't mean I'm paying for everybody, no, no, that just means, hey, let's meet up, let's go do this particular activity. If you want to join, join, that means it's on you. But if I say, hey, renee, do you want to go do ABC, then that means I've already made the financial decision. Yeah, you do count, you don't pay for me anyway. Well, yeah, that's true, but we're trying to help them.

Speaker 2 47:18

Follow along, please. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 47:21

Y'all get the point. Y'all get the point and we're going to give you the last one so we can close out today. We appreciate you guys joining us. If you're just joining us late, please go back and look at the very beginning on this Thursday night live, we're talking about if you're ready, if you're ready, if you're ready in this one, that you are able to invest the time, effort and the energy Into actually dating.

Speaker 1 47:43

There's nothing worse that I believe in someone who is in it halfway not available, that I believe in someone who is in it halfway Not available. You know, if you're focused on career, focus on your career, don't try to do both. If that's where your main focus is and that's your priority right now, because multitasking is not a real thing.

Speaker 1 48:00

There's no such thing. Nobody wants to feel like you're half in, right. If you're half in, then you're going to probably get half interest, right, you know, or you may not get any interest at all, because people can tell, yeah, you know, making a time, making a priority and place, and let that person know, especially if you deciding that you want to invest time because that's your most valuable resource, it's not your money, it's not your career, it's not all the other tangible things.

Speaker 1 48:26

It is your time because we only have a limited amount of it, so make sure you invest it wisely in somebody that is worth the time, effort and energy. But you have to know that before you jump in.

Speaker 2 48:36

Yes, that's very, very true.

Speaker 1 48:37

So those are the list. One more question and then we're going to close it out. Ok, so these are the question cards. Ok, now this is a call master Describe a communication skill you would like to improve.

Speaker 2 48:52

We just had this conversation I have got to be better at. I'm going to always have to work on listening and how I listen, and listening with empathy, because empathy is something I'm just learning to develop, right.

Speaker 1 49:06

So listening with with empathy, and I would say the polar opposite of that is I have to do a better job of communicating how I feel, yes, my assertiveness about really thinking about what's really going on with me. What is it that I'm really trying to communicate? Because I have a tendency to go around the block, y'all, and go around the block until I finally get to it and Renee will do some probing questions and she'll finally say, well, what about this and what about that? Yeah, that's it, that's what I was getting to. I just went around the block.

Speaker 2 49:39

So, just like Gil is good at listening, he's taught me how to be a better listener. I'm good at communicating, so I'm helping him to be a better. I'm not trying to make him like me, but when you're with someone, you're going to learn from each other. Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. The people that you spend your time with. They are impacting you. You say things that they say. That's why the Bible says evil association destroys good intention. It's so important that, as we're going through this thing called life, that we are mindful of the people that we're spending our time with, and that we're mindful Because, again, your time is your most valuable resource. Invest it wisely, like you invested your time with us.

Speaker 2 50:25

We appreciate you guys hanging out with us tonight.

Speaker 1 50:28

We thank you for investing your time yes, not only in us and in this community, but also in yourself, because the things that we share with you, we hope that you get something out of it that you can take and apply it and apply it and then graft it into your life, that it can pay huge dividends and benefits. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your investment in time. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your investment in time. Remember to subscribe to the show and hit the notification icon to be notified when new episodes are posted on the podcast platform that you're listening from.

Speaker 2 50:55

Or you can always find us on our website at richrelationshipsuscom, or our YouTube channel, rich Relationships with Gil Renee. If you found this podcast helpful or you think it could help someone that you know and care about, please pass it along and share it with them.