A Gospel Informed Understanding of Divorce | Matthew 5:31-32 | Pastor Neil McClendon

Are you carrying hidden shame or uncertainty surrounding a past divorce, or looking for a biblically grounded way to navigate complex marital challenges? Discover how the grace of the gospel brings clarity, freedom, and restoration to every story.

In this sermon on Matthew 5:31–32, Lead Pastor Neil McClendon unpacks a gospel-informed understanding of divorce. Explore the first-century cultural context of Jesus's teaching and examine what the scriptures actually say regarding biblical grounds for divorce—including sexual immorality, spiritual abandonment, and physical abuse. Learn how to distinguish between individual sinful actions and your true identity in Christ, and discover why God's history of blessing relationships that didn't start with His blessing offers profound hope and freedom today.

In this episode, we cover:

• Four Lenses for Biblical Interpretation: Reading scripture through gospel truth rather than personal life choices or cultural trends.
• Understanding First-Century Context: How Jesus revolutionized the value and treatment of women against unfair cultural divorce practices.
• Biblical Grounds for Divorce: Examining scripture on sexual immorality, abandonment due to spiritual incompatibility, and physical abuse.
• Confronting Guilt vs. Identity: Understanding the critical difference between committing a past sin and carrying a permanent label.
• Steps Toward Gospel Freedom: How asking for forgiveness, taking responsibility, and resting in Christ's complete grace restores marriages and lives.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So, what do I do? If I'm divorced and I'm remarried, and according to what Jesus said, not what you heard me say, I committed adultery. Look at me. If this is you, it doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. It doesn't mean you're somehow second class, you're relegated to the minor leagues of marital satisfaction. What does it mean? It means a few things for you. If you haven't done these already, I'm just gonna suggest to you and recommend to you and say to you, as a man that loves you and loves the truth of the gospel, that you should do these four things. Okay. Number one, you should ask God's forgiveness. For what? For if you fall into this, yeah, according to Jesus, I committed adultery when I got in my second marriage, third marriage, eighth marriage. I don't care. Here's why. Repentance involves agreement, so it's important that you agree with God concerning your relationship. Otherwise, you have this secret shame and this drive that no one knows about. But when you experience God's forgiveness, there's this something gets broken off of you.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

This podcast is brought to you by Grand Parkway Baptist Church, helping people to know, enjoy, and glorify God. For more information about Grand Parkway, visit our website at grandparkway.org.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Lord, we've come today not just to preach the gospel, but to sing the gospel, which is what we just did. Where we we just we we are saying what you said, Jesus. You said broad is the is the path that leads to destruction, and many there be that find it, but narrow is the way that leads to life, and few there be that go between. And so we're not here to be narrow-minded religious people. We want to be uh generous, kind, juicy people that other people just want to be around. They may not know why, but they're just drawn to something about us. But we understand that that's you, God. And it's because we understand this narrow little road that Christianity requires sacrifice. And even today we're gonna have to sacrifice some of the things that we think about this topic and some of the things we've been told about this topic, because they're just not biblical, they're just not true. And they've caused us to treat people in ways that Jesus wouldn't treat people, and that's jacked up, God. That isn't good. And so, Holy Spirit, give us understanding today. Uh, give freedom and forgiveness. We want that, and we want to give that to everybody in our life that needs it. And so we just say before we hear a word, God, that whoever needs our forgiveness today, we're gonna give it to him when we walk out of here. Holy Spirit, do what only you can do. Let's change our minds and change our hearts and change our lives. We pray for all of this in Jesus' name. And everyone said, Amen, amen. You can have a seat if you've got a Bible. I invite you to take it and open it up if you would to Matthew chapter 5. Matthew chapter 5. I'll start reading verse 31. Just two verses today. So a really short sermon about a topic no one cares about. Uh actually, it's a very uh relevant topic today. I want to talk to you today about a gospel-informed understanding of divorce. A gospel-informed understanding of divorce. And let me just say a couple things while you're finding Matthew chapter 5. If you have a Bible, don't. If you don't have a Bible, don't sweat it. Everything I'll say will come up on the screen here behind me. Uh, but let me just give you a couple things uh but by way of introduction. Uh, today I want to give understanding, not advice. Uh, I never tell people what to do when it comes to divorce. I do a lot of counseling. People say, what do you think? And I and here's why I don't tell people you should get a divorce, you should not, because I don't have to live with the consequences, okay? But I do unapologetically say what the Bible says. All right. Second thing I want to say is today, uh, the topic today is a now word for some of you, but it'll be a later word for some of you. What do you mean? Uh, some of you, it's like, oh my gosh, this yes, thank you. And some will be like, uh, but don't tune out. Here's why. Because it may be three months from now, you're in a work group at work, and when your buddies says, Hey, I think my wife and I are gonna get a divorce, what do you think about that? You're a religious person. You might want to have a biblically informed uh response to that. Here's the last thing I'd say by way of introduction. Today is uh for some of you, it's a me word, and for some of you, it's gonna be a you word for other people. And so every time you come to church, you're not just listening for yourself, you're listening for the conversations you're gonna have in the days and weeks and months and years to come down the road. Does that make sense? Say amen. Okay, Matthew chapter 5, verse 31 and 32. Before I read that, I want to give you four things that we need to understand before we read the text, okay? These are actually in my in the outline. Number one is this right here. Read through the right lens. Read the Bible through the right lens. You shouldn't read the Bible through the lens of your life choices, your experiences, or your kids. Let me say that again. Do not read the Bible through the lens of your life, your life choices, your experiences, or your kids. If you ever know our grandkids, you ever notice everything's a sin until your kids do it? And then you're like, well, well, Pastor, it's 2025. I'm like, I know what year it is, I have a calendar. Uh and so read to the right lens. Secondly, let the Bible, let Bible counsel Bible. In other words, get understanding from the whole counsel of God's word, not just one verse. Uh, number three, seek to understand the cultural context. Ladies, prepare to be offended, okay? Well, you're like, I'm glad I shaved my legs for this. Uh yeah, yeah. When I say seek to understand the cultural context, here's an example. In the first century, like in biblical times, women really had no rights, especially when it came to divorce, okay? Uh it's just like today, there were liberal schools of thought, and there were more conservative schools of thought in first century Judaism. Uh now, in in biblical days, a man could, here's what I mean, you have to understand the cultural context to understand what Jesus is gonna say in the 46 words we're gonna read here in just a minute. A man could divorce his wife for pretty much any reason. Like, I looked him up, and here's some of the reasons. Number one, for displeasing him. Some lady over here looked up like, would you say? It gets worse. He could divorce her if she spoiled a meal, if she burned dinner, gone. Pack your bags, lady, get uh, or here, here, here, here, or if he found someone that was more attractive to him, he could just go home and it's called, he would write what's called a certificate of divorce. I told you, ladies, y'all are just kind of like, some of you, your blood's boiling already. You're like, hmm, yeah. See, because here's the thing. When I say seek to understand the cultural context, here's what you'll realize nobody changed the way men treat women more than Jesus Christ. And that's his that that that's all through the New Testament. But but but to understand the cultural context. Now, by the way, a woman, uh, when I say one had basically no rights, a woman was not allowed to divorce her husband, but she could, wait for it, ladies, she could petition the court, and if the court approved of it, they would direct her husband to divorce her. Y'all are looking like, this isn't funny. All right, here's the last thing I would say. You seek to understand the biblical context. There's the cultural context, and then there's a biblical context. What do you mean? In other passages, like that we're in the what's called the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5, 6, and 7. And Jesus, it started off with Jesus saying, Hey, I've not come to abolish the law, but I've come to fulfill it. And why did he say that? Because he starts off with these six antithetical statements. He said, You have heard of old, or it's been said, but I say unto you. And he's saying, I'm not I'm not canceling the law, I'm not writing a new uh old testament, I'm just drawing out the implications of what you've heard your whole life. And so in other passages, Jesus is dealing with a direct command from God, but people were not commanded to get a divorce. And so the verse we're going to read today assumes the practice of divorce and has to do with the way it's regulated in the law. It's basically a summary of the way divorce was understood in biblical times. And part of divorce was this written release to remarry, this certificate of divorce you would give her. You had to put it in the language in there, you are free to marry anybody you want. And that is why, and most preachers get it wrong. That's why in John chapter 4, Jesus meets this woman at the well, and she's out there, and Jesus says, Hey, go call your husband, and she says, I have no husband. And Jesus reads her mail and says, You're right, you have to say you have no husband. You've had five husbands, and the man you're with right now is not your husband. Now, most people interpret that as a statement about this woman's morals. But when you understand uh the the cultural and the biblical context, it's really probably more a statement about how easy it was for a man to divorce a woman than for the this to say this woman was some kind of skanky woman who got passed around like a bong at a foghead concert. And so five different people have written her certificate of divorce and just said, you gotta go. And after a while, by the way, men, you can treat women in such a way that they no longer care how they're treated. And that's a sobering thing. And so the woman in John 4 is a great example of that. So let me just read uh Matthew chapter 5, uh starting verse 31. Jesus is talking, he says, it was also said, Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce. But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Now I'm gonna ask one, just two verses, 46 words. I'm gonna ask you to listen all the way to the end. Don't check out, don't slam your Bible closed or just get up and walk out, pinch the baby, make the baby cry. We've got to go with the baby's crying. Stay to the very end, okay? Uh, because I everything I'm gonna say comes right out of the Bible. A gospel-informed understanding of divorce, what does that mean? Basically, it means there's four questions we need to answer today. Four questions. So the first one is this Is there ever a biblical grounds for divorce? Now, uh, again, I said the Bible uh doesn't command divorce. Like if something happens, the Bible doesn't tell you, oh, you've got to get a divorce. But the Bible allows divorce in certain situations, and here are three of them. Number one, well, in the case of adultery. Adultery says right here, uh he also said, Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce. But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, that's probably a better translation because we say adultery, like, hey, I haven't been with somebody else. Um, there's many forms of sexual immorality. I won't get into all the granularity because there's little air, little ears in the room, uh, but it's a Greek word pornea. Pornea, sexual immorality. And so uh adultery falls into that category. So if you're married to someone and they cheat on you with somebody else, you biblically can divorce that person and you're free to marry whoever you want. And when you do, you're not committing adultery, what Jesus talks about in here. It's all adultery is one. Secondly, abandonment due to spiritual incompatibility. Abandonment due to spiritual incompatibility. Now, if we just said abandonment, and a lot of people do, uh, then people will fill that in with their own definition of abandonment. So it's important that I explain to you what the Bible means by abandonment due to spiritual incompatibility, because I've had people come to me and say, Listen, I'm gonna like a lady came not long ago and said, Hey, I'm gonna uh divorce my husband because it because of abandonment. And I said, Okay, is your husband not a believer? Well, she said, No, no, no. He's just not meeting my needs, he's abandoned meeting my needs. And I said back to her, listen, my wife doesn't always meet my needs. Can I divorce her? And she said, Oh, that's not what I'm saying. That's exactly what you just said. See, when you just say abandonment, it's kind of just this open blank. But in the in the Bible, it's abandonment due to spiritual incompatibility. Let me show you where we get this from. 1 Corinthians chapter 7, verse 12 says this. Now, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul's given some principles for marriage. Because like earlier on the chapter, he says, hey, do not put each other off physically except for a short period of time unless you be tempted, and then come together, okay? And when you put each other off, it's just for the purpose of, hey, we're gonna pray about something, but then come together quickly and often, so you will not be tempted physically. Men love that part of the Bible, by the way. Every man, see, the kid loves that. The kid squeeze, somebody's pinching the baby already. We gotta go. Yes. But he goes on and he talks about it. He says, hey, God, he says, the Lord says this, and then he gets down to verse 12 and he says this. To the rest I say, I not the Lord. What he's saying is, I'm speaking as an apostle, as a representative of God. I'm not quoting scripture here. He says that if any brother has a wife who's an unbeliever and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Now, there's two things that should pop off in your mind when you read that. First of all, is that phrase where it says, uh, you know, what does it mean they're made holy? Okay, okay, don't leave this person for for they're made holy because the unbelieving husband's made holy because of his wife. Well, when it says that to be made holy, it means they're set apart. It doesn't mean if your wife's a Christian and you're not, then you and your kids, men, are gonna get on the family plan because your wife has enough religion to go around. The Bible doesn't teach that. To be made holy in this case, it's not about your status or standing before God. To be made holy is to be set apart. In other words, you enjoy a measure of protection and provision that comes from the fact that you're married to somebody that is a Christian. All right? Uh think of it like this. This is the most accessible example I can think of. Years ago, Joe Montana was a quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers. And Joe Montana was he was famous for being very relaxed. Well, one of the offensive linemen, he's 28 years old, he said, We're on a plane, we're flying back from the East Coast, all the way back to the West Coast. Captain comes on and says, Uh, folks, we're gonna experience some severe turbulence. Make sure you're seated and your seatbelt is securely fastened. He said, I hated to fly. He said, I loved everything about the NFL except traveling. I love the paycheck, I love the game, I love the camaraderie. I hate getting on a plane. And he said, We had to fly all the time. And so I'm looking over there, he said, I, and it was a little bump, and then it got pretty bad. He said, I'm white knuckling the arms of my chair. And I'm like, oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, I give up drinking and everything. And he said, We're about 25 minutes into this, and then it is boom, boom, boom. He said it felt like the wings on the plane were flapping like a bird. And he said, in the middle of this, I opened my eye, I look over, and Joe Montana's got his legs crossed, and he's just thumbing through a magazine. And he said, the thought went through my mind, God ain't gonna God ain't gonna let nothing happen on this plane. Joe Montana on this plane. He said so. I just started hitting the call button. I wanted to get a drink, huh? And the fight wouldn't come service. And he said, but I just thought, man, God ain't gonna let nothing happen to Joe Montana. I'm gonna be okay. It's the same principle. Now, I don't know how true that is. I don't think God loves Joe Montana more than he loves this guy, but when the Bible says they're made holy, they're set apart. In other words, you experience something, provision and protection, typically, that you wouldn't experience as an unbeliever. That's the first thing your mind should ping about. Like, oh, and then the second part is down there in verse 15, where it says, in such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. It says verse 15, if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In other words, if you're a Christian, you're married to a non-believer, and the non-believer just gets up one day and says, I can't take it anymore. You and your religion make me crazy. I'm out of here. The Bible says, let them go. You can't divorce them, but if they leave you, it says, hey, and you're not enslaved. In other words, if you choose to remarry, you're not committing adultery because that person's leaving of their own free will. So this is what we mean by abandonment due to spiritual incompatibility, not just abandonment, period. So the first two are adultery, then abandonment, okay? And then the third one is abuse. Abuse, physical abuse. So the Bible doesn't, not not just, but let me take that back. It's abuse takes many forms, but typically it's physical abuse. The Bible doesn't speak directly to this issue. Uh, and one of the reasons is because men could just divorce, they could write their wife a certificate of divorce and just be done with her. And so, why go through all that trouble? If I don't like you, I'm gonna just write you a little contract and so you're free to marry anybody, get your stuff and get out. Uh, and so, however, the Bible does speak to the issue of physical abuse, and one of the places it speaks to it most vividly is in what's known as this section in 1 Timothy chapter 3. It was qualifications for an elder. And you have to be careful because you see qualifications for an elder, and you think, oh, well, I'm not an elder of the church, uh, so that doesn't apply to me. Now, when I say elder, I don't mean like Mormons. If you didn't have no Mormon friends, they're all elders. They got the name tag to prove it. Elder Bob, Elder Tom. An elder like it, like our church is elder-led. There's 10 of us, okay? Uh, and and and and people say, uh, like I as a pastor, it's not biblical for me to have all power and control and make all decisions. You don't see that anywhere in the Bible. Everywhere they plant, they started a church in the New Testament, they had uh this plurality of leadership, okay? And so the Bible's given these qualifications for elders. So here's what it says. He says, now listen, I'm gonna read these things. Only two of them are unique to being an elder. The other ones are spoken to in the Bible and other places for all Christians. So be careful, you don't go, oh, qualifications for an elder. That don't apply to me. Uh he says this in 1 Timothy chapter 3, verse 1. The saying is trustworthy. If anyone aspires to the office of an overseer or elder, he desires a noble task. Therefore, an overseer must be a lover approach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. The only two that are really unique to the office of elder uh are husband of one wife and able to teach. All those other requirements of elders, it's not like, oh, those just apply to them and the rest of us. We don't have to live that way. No. All those other things are spoken to other places in the gospel, okay, other places in the New Testament. Uh, but I want to draw your attention to the one after he says able to teach, he says, not a drunkard. And he says this, not violent, but gentle. Not violent, but gentle. The word violent is a Greek word, it's plactrace, plaque trace, and it literally means striker. Striker. Not violent. People I'm not violent. No, it's it's a man that physically strikes a woman. And so the Bible actually does speak to the issue of physical abuse. And a man that hits his wife was disqualified from leadership in the church, and here's where it gets what we're talking about in this, in this, in, in divorce, his faith is called into question. Because this is not the way a man treats his wife. That's not loving your wife like Christ loved the church and giving yourself up for her, okay? And so I say to women all the time, if you experience physical abuse, you should you should do two things. You should call the police and you should call your pastor. Why? People say, I get the first one. Why the second one? Because this man needs church discipline. Uh, and if he doesn't repent, uh then it's like, hey, who or what do you submit to? This is why church membership is a big deal. People say, I've been to church 20 years. I ain't got to be a member. Yeah, you need to be a member because then you give your church authority to hold you accountable to the gospel. Like, we've had to practice church discipline on people in the history of our church, not a lot of times, but a few times. Different situations came up where people in leadership typically uh were violating scripture, and you say, What do you do? Well, one of us goes to them individually and says, Hey, we've we've we've been made aware of this. Is this true? And typically people are like, Oh, yeah, that's true. Okay, I'm gonna ask you if you would repent because this is this is not right. This is not honoring God. And typically, 9.9 times out of 10, people are like, you know, thank you for loving me enough. This is an awkward conversation, but I receive it. I know you love me. Thank you. Would you pray for me and help me? Absolutely. But every once in a while, people blow up, I'm I'm grown now, do what I want. In that case, what do you do? Well, we take somebody else with us and we go back and say, All right, Billy Bob, we've got to talk to you here because you're you're you're continuing in sin. Now, if they if they tell the three people, get out of here, I don't care, then uh what you're saying is, hey, I don't want to submit to the leadership of this church, and so you don't want to be a part of this. That's the way an unbeliever, a non-Christian thinks, okay? I remember when I was in college, excuse me, seminary, uh, I had a class uh on church administration, and we had to take uh it was it was a lecture that day was on Robert's Rules of Orders and how to run a business meeting. But our professor brought some minutes from a business meeting from a small church in West Texas. This is one of the greatest days of my life in seminary. I was like, I'm so glad I didn't skip today. Because he was talking about, and I was like, oh, this is boring. And then he started crying. I'm like, bro, it's boring, but it's not that bad. And then he started reading about this true story from a church in West Texas where this lady would come to church and she'd have a lot of makeup on, and one of her friends said, Hey, you you're covering up something. Why? And she said, Well, you know, uh, Joe, when he gets drunk, he gets mean and he beats me up. And so it happened a couple times. Finally, this lady she violated the confidence of her friend, told her husband, who's a deacon. The husband, deacon, told the pastor, and the pastor went over and visited him and just said, Hey, Joe, listen, you can't be putting your hands on your wife like that. Tell me what to do, my God. I'm on, I don't even go to your church, get out of here. He said, Well, Joe, I came to ask you to stop. This is sin. Oh, but get out of here. And he said, All right. So he said, if she shows up one more time, with him when he's walking out down the front steps, he turns around and he says, Now, Joe, if she shows up one more time and she's got a black eye or a fat lip, I'm gonna bring three deacons over here and we're gonna pay you a deaconate visit. All right, get out of here and kicked at him. And he said, All right. Two months later, she shows up. She's got a little swelling, a lot of makeup. Her friend, you know this is your friend. She licked her thumb and wiped it off. And she said, He hit you again. She goes, Yeah, he got really mad. Well, that Tuesday, the pastor had called some, that Sunday church. He said, Men, we're gonna be here at six o'clock at the church. We're gonna pray for an hour. So three deacons and the pastor met at the church, prayed for an hour, got in one of those pickup truck, drove over to Joe's house, took Joe in the backyard, and put a beat down on Joe. Scuffed him up like a pair of hushed puppies at an eighth grade dance. And here's the part where I was just like, this is the greatest day of my theological education history. My professor is weeping. And he said, he read from the church business uh meeting minutes, and he said, the next Sunday, Joe repent. And was restored to full fellowship. And I was like, this is the, I was like, no one said, is this gonna be on the final? I just thought, this is great. Because see, here's the thing. Now, to be clear, church discipline, we're not saying church discipline is always redemptive and restorative. It's not meant to be punitive. But here's the thing: we're not saying the church has the power to take away this person's faith. We are saying if you persist in sin, we don't see evidence of faith. Evidence of faith is not telling God and your wife you're sorry for beating her. Converted men who have the Holy Spirit in them, they're growing in their faith. They don't abuse their wives physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually, period. Hard stop, end of story. But I will tell you this abuse is a sign of self-hatred. You say, What do you mean? The Bible, Ephesians chapter 5. Where right there where it says, husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, it also says this in verse 28. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. You're like, What? Just hear it out. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. You show me a man that does not love his body, and that is a man that does not love his wife properly. Now my wife has asked me, she's like, Hey, how are you feeling about Sunday? You're talking about divorce. I told her, I said, here's one thing you're gonna talk about. You know, if you don't love, if a man doesn't love his body, he's not gonna love his wife properly. And my wife goes, You love your body. I'm like, is that a compliment? And she goes, No, you love me well. And I yeah, you you love your body. I'm like, all right, I'll I'll let it slide. Uh yes. And so the first question you have to ask, the the text asks is, hey, does the Bible, is there ever biblical grounds for divorce? Because some people have been so wounded. Somebody stopped me in the lobby after the first service and said, Yeah, uh, I came from a church that if you were divorced, you couldn't sing in the choir. And I'm like, Yeah, the church has treated divorced people like second-class citizens for way too long. I've never, ever, ever understood that. Uh, but here's the second question. There's two of them here. Uh, how does divorcing someone make them commit adultery? And why is it considered adultery to marry a divorced person? Where do you get that? Right there in verse 32. Jesus says, But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. The same answer applies to both of these questions. If there's no biblical grounds for your divorce, then you're considered to still be married to your first spouse. Therefore, to marry and have an intimate relationship with your new spouse would be considered adultery. Now, uh this was way back. There's a guy that visited our church three or four times. It was great. He loved it. I said, hey man, I just want to get to know you. Can I buy you lunch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, Is there a place you look? Oh, I love Rudy's. I love Rudy's. So we go to Rudy's, we're talking, just get to know each other, and out of the blue, we're 20 minutes in. He goes, Hey, can I ask you a question? I thought it was gonna be, hey, what time is the service? What's the student ministry like? He said, Do you think I committed adultery? And I'm like, Huh? What? Like, when? Like, did you cheat on your wife? No, no, no, no, no. Let me back. I thought you knew my story. I thought I thought that's why you asked me to lunch. I said, I don't know everybody's story. I asked you at lunch because I'd love to hear your story. Tell me your story. He said, All right, I was married right out of college. You wasn't married that long, a couple, two, three years. I mean, nothing bad happened. I didn't cheat. She didn't cheat. We just like looked at each other and said, I don't want to do this anymore. So we got a divorce. About not quite a year later, I met a lady, we were talking, and she her story is just like mine. You know, it's just like, hey, this isn't working. I don't like you, I don't love you. I was just long, whatever. They got divorced. We got together. Did we commit adultery? I said, yes, according to what the Bible teaches you did. And it was on from there. What? I tell you what, I might not be back in your church. I thought you were different. I'm like, oh, great, here we go. Uh I said, What do you hear me say? And I was like, lower your voice. He got so impassioned, the manager from Rudy's came over. Hey guys, is everything okay? I said, Yeah, we're we're we're we're good. We're good. He's like, I just just check him. Uh and he's like, Oh, I said, Listen, I'm not saying anything the Bible doesn't say. And I referenced Matthew chapter 5, verse 32. I said, Jesus himself, this isn't my opinion. This is my understanding of the Bible, but this isn't bad news. This is, oh, don't tell me this is good news. Oh, oh, oh, okay. So I just took my whoop it. It was so bad when we left. He said, Well, I don't know if I'll be back here. I said, You're always welcome. I would love to keep explaining. You told me I committed adultery. I said, No, you asked me a question and I answered it honestly, and you don't want to live in light of that. Why is that my fault? Well, I don't know if we'll be back. And then as he's getting up, he goes, And my wife thought you were funny. Okay. So I go to the bathroom to console myself. Now, the thing I love, I'm so simple. It Rudy's they have a little corn little piece of wood in the corner you can set your drink on while you're standing here at the bathroom. So I get my drink, I wash my hands, I walk out. The manager's standing by the door waiting for me. Hey man, I just want to check on you. You okay? And I said, Yeah, actually, he said, Can I ask what that was about? I said, uh, it was about. And I told him, and he's like, I'm divorced. I was like, okay, no more divorce talk for today. I'm gonna go to my office and just read books written by dead people, okay? But here's the thing, okay? Uh here's the reason I tell you this. Here's the third and last question you gotta answer. All right. So, what do I do if I'm divorced and remarried, and according to what I've heard today, I committed adultery. Okay, look at me. There's a difference in I committed adultery and I'm an adulterer. Because the guy, he's oh, adulterers can't end the kingdom of heaven. Uh and I said, Yeah, but I if you commit adultery, that's one thing. If you live and you you you live and you're constantly committing adultery, that makes you an adulterer. There's a difference in those two things. Like you stole something when you were 14, doesn't mean you're a thief the rest of your life.

unknown 28:18

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 28:19

So what do I do? If I'm divorced and I'm remarried, and according to what Jesus said, not what you heard me say, I committed adultery. Look at me. If this is you, it doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. It doesn't mean you're somehow second class, you're relegated to the minor leagues of marital satisfaction. What does it mean? It means a few things for you. If you haven't done these already, I'm just gonna suggest to you and recommend to you and say to you, as a man that loves you and loves the truth of the gospel, that you should do these four things. Okay? Number one, you should ask God's forgiveness. For what? Uh for if you fall into this, yeah, according to Jesus, I committed adultery when I got in my second marriage, third marriage, eighth marriage, I don't care. Uh here's why. Repentance involves agreement, so it's important that you agree with God concerning your relationship. Otherwise, you have this secret shame and this drive that no one knows about. But when you experience God's forgiveness, there's just something that gets broken off of you. And so you ask God's forgiveness. Secondly, you ask your partner's forgiveness. This is, I'm telling the guy in Rudy's, I think this is super helpful. He should be writing this down on the little brown uh table mat we got. And he's just like, You you mean my no, no, no, I mean the woman you're married to. Well, I got her forgiveness because when you married her, you committed adultery and you let her to commit adultery with you as well. I'm like, dude, what are we doing right now? He's like, You're you're ticking me off. I said, No, I'm just inviting you in. This is how you get freedom. And then this is where he got up and flipped his chair. I I I said, also, you I said you ask your partner's forgiveness. You like my ex. And I said, No, but here's the third thing. You ask your former spouse's forgiveness. He just got up and his chair fell over, and people were like, I'm like, really? Sit back down. Well, yeah, I mean, you want me to go by? I said, listen, if you want people to believe you're different, then you gotta do things you've never done and stop doing things you've always done. And I just think you've done this your whole life. Just, oh, Billy Baba. Sit down. If you want your ex-wife to think you're a different person, not just, well, I start going to church because the preacher's funny. Get a bigger ecclesiology than that, okay? Sit down, pick your chair up. You're embarrassing me and you're embarrassing Rudy's. They're not gonna give me some of those discounted breakfast burritos now. Why do I come here at this time every day? I got it in my phone. What time do they start giving those things away? I want those for breakfast tomorrow. He's like, What are you talking about? You never had a brisket, egg, breakfast from what time is it? I ain't sharing. Uh I I conveniently show up, they're like, oh, hey, Pastor Neil. I just loiter looking around there. They're in the little case right there, but everybody walks by them. Close to 11, you're in good luck. Anyway. Yes. I said you ask your spouse's forgiveness. Uh, if you had no biblical grounds, if you had biblical grounds, if she cheated on you, then, but if you cheated or there was no biblical grounds and you divorced anyway, then you just have to say, you know what? I sinned against you. And look at me. It's not to reconcile that relationship. Someone said to me, Yeah, I was told by my pastor I should divorce my second wife and then wait for my first wife uh to get out of her second marriage so we can reconcile. I said, So basically, don't keep your word twice. That's terrible. It's horrible advice. He goes, Well, a preacher told me 80% of them shouldn't be preaching, but that's a whole nother sermon. So, what do you mean? You want me to ask my ex-wife's forgiveness? Yes, not to reconcile. He's like, I said, but to simply acknowledge. Again, if you want people to think you're a different person, you can't do the same things you've always done. You've got to do some things you've never done before, and you've got to stop doing what you've always done. Otherwise, nobody's ever gonna believe you. But here's the thing: what the gospel requires of you, it gives you the capacity to do. The gospel doesn't send you out on some fool's error and hey, go make a fool of yourself. And the fourth thing, I said, hey, you stay committed to the relationship. You mean with yeah, with your wife right now? It's not like God's looking down on you, kind of going, hey, this marriage is doomed to fail. I know so many people, their second marriage is so much happier, their third marriage is so much happier than the first, because they learned. It's not like God's looking down and going, well, make the most of this, but it's never gonna be all that it could be. Now, you may be wondering, okay, so if the Bible's not big on divorce, then how can God bless a relationship between two people who didn't do it the right way? Yes. It's a great question. God has a history of blessing relationships that didn't start off with his blessing. And I'll close today from the Bible. Don't listen to me. If I anything you hear me say, I mean, listen to me, but you hear me say something, be like the Brians. Take it to the Word. Say, is that in the Bible? And again, let me just say this: uh, God has a history of blessing relationships that didn't start off with his blessing. I've had this comment this conversation with so many waiters and waitresses all over America. All over. Hey, tell me about you. What do you got? Well, I just recently got divorced. I had no skills, the saddest one. I had to call my wife to say, I think I'm supposed to put a big fat tip on the credit card. She goes, bless her. By all means, bless her. Lady's like, yeah, my husband controlled everything, paid all the bills, blah, blah, blah. And somebody divorced me around for the secretary. I'm uneducated, unprepared. I'm starting over. I'm going to not, I'm taking classes online, and I go to some in person, and I'm working here as a waitress. And my kids and I live in a one-bedroom apartment. And I said, How much is the rent? She says, Why are you asking? I said, Because I want to bless you a couple months of your rent as a tip. And she's like, Why would you do that? And I went, Not all men have an ulterior motive. I'm happily married. Don't get your hopes up, okay? She's like, I am so sorry. I am super paranoid when men are nice to me. And I said, Are you serious right now? She goes, Yes, because I get hit on all the time. I said, I'm a deeply satisfied man. Matter of fact, let me call my wife and just, and she goes, I mean, nobody does that. And I said, I want to set the kingdom down. Well, what the hell does that mean? Kitty likes to scratch. The kingdom is the realm within which what God wants done gets done. And I think God wants to bless you because you've had enough men violate you. She goes, just one. I said, okay, I'm not him. And so my wife and I did. And I walked to the door and she's like, I'm so sorry. And I said, Look at me. You're not broken. You're not, God hadn't cast you over there on the ash heap, like, hey, you're a bad person. Just be bad. Manage being bad the rest of your life. Look at me. God still has a plan for you. Plans not to harm you, but to prosper you. We quote this in the church. She goes, Jeremiah 29, 11. I said, Yes, yes. But here's what we don't tell you. We quote it in the church all the time. You know, I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans of good, not evil, plans not to harm you, prosper you. And you'll search for me and find me. Search for me with all your heart. God was saying that to people who are in captivity. I said, She goes, What does that mean? I said, People like you, you're in captivity to the circumstance. You would never choose this. She goes, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's so hard. I was just praying two nights ago, God, how am I gonna pay the rent? And then I showed up. Because by the way, the food here ain't that good. And she goes, I know, I know, but they they pay well and I get good tea up. Glory to God. She's so I thought, I can get remarried. Absolutely, you can get remarried. There's no stink or stain on you. You're free to get remarried, but don't settle. We're standing by the front door of the restaurant, and I know what's coming. I'm like, don't say it. And she goes, can I give you a hug? Sure. I'm not a big hugger if you're visiting today. It's the most unnatural thing in the world to me. I'm just like, like my wife and her friends at the finish lunch and get them hug and touch their cheeks to each other. That's that's not normal. But anyway, stay committed to the relationship. Why? If God's against divorce, the Bible's against divorce, blah, blah, blah. How could God bless a relationship? Two people didn't do it the right way. Great question. Once again, God has a history of blessing relationships that didn't start off with this blessing. And I'll close with just one. In the Old Testament, book of 1 Samuel, chapter 8, they come to God and actually went to Samuel and they said, hey, they looked around, they said, hey, that nation's got a king, they got a king, they got a king over there. People that got a king. We want a king because it was a theocracy. They were ruled by God. God was their king. And they said, Dude, we don't want God anymore. We want somebody we can touch and vote for and talk to. And this is how the Bible speaks to it. 1 Samuel chapter 8, verse 4. Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah and said to him, Behold, you are old, and your sons do not walk in your ways. How about that for the opening of a job review? Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the other nations. But this thing displeased Samuel when they said, Give us a king to judge us. And Samuel prayed to the Lord, and the Lord said to Samuel, Obey the voice of the people in all they say to you. For they have not rejected you, they've rejected me from being king over them, according to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt, even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you. Now then, obey their voice, only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them. Not not a very off to a good start relationship here. But listen to me. Do not miss this. Despite how this relationship started, God made the kingship an integral part of his plan for redeeming the world. Jesus came through the Davidic kings that sat on this throne. They we reject God from being king over us. We're like, I don't want to, you want me to go call my ex-wife today and ask her forgiveness? Sometime the next week or so would be great. And not because I said it, but because you need the freedom that only comes from forgiveness. Some of you need to say to the person you're married to, hey, I, men, you need to lead out. Hey, I need to acknowledge this didn't start off the right way. And I think I led you into sin. I need to ask your forgiveness. You're like, oh, that'd be the most dumb thing. You might be surprised how your wife would respond. Again, I'm not trying to make you humiliate yourself or send you on a fool's errand. But I don't want you, and more importantly, God doesn't want you. Look at me and we're done. God doesn't want you feeling things in here and thinking things up here that you never say out here. And then you go out in the world and you're doing math, you're not enjoying music, you're trying to be do more good than bad because you know what you were like in these relationships. And the cross is sufficient for you, divorced person. You don't have to make up for anything, you have to understand what the gospel response to divorce and then submit to all it says. Don't say, Oh, I don't want him to be king over me. I'm gonna do it myself. Haven't you done it that way long enough? How's that working for you? I love what God says to me. He goes, hey, you might want to warn them and show them the ways of the king who's gonna reign over them. Here's my question, and I'm done. Who's gonna be a better king to you than King Jesus? You're a bad king. I'm a bad king. Me ruling over me is not good for me. It's not. That's why God told Samuel, you might want to tell them the kind of Yehos they're gonna get for king, for a king. But look at me. God let them have it. And even though it started off like this, God blessed it. And Jesus, the Messiah, comes to the divinic kings who sat on the throne. That's why Jesus is referred to as the Son of David. This is why I say, hey, God has a history of blessing relationships that didn't start off with this blessing. Let's pray together. If you're our guests, just relax. We like to teach the Bible, then we give you some space to think about it. We say what the Bible says because it's the truth, and the truth sets you free. Some questions come on the screen. We're gonna discuss those in our community groups, but for right now, let's just ask, you just ask the Lord, Lord, what have my name on today? What were you saying to me today, loud and clear, and what do I do with that? God, that is just like you to be just kind, to see all the bad decisions we've made and just be kind. That's why the Bible says in Romans chapter 2 of you that it's your kindness that leads us to repentance. It's not our self-hatred, it's not our self-determination, it's not our self-loathing, it's the kindness of God who knows everything and saw everything and still is willing to forgive us for it all. Lord, let us let that end today, to the deep places where our determination still exists. I pray that determination would die today and that we would just receive grace and forgiveness and freedom. I pray this in Jesus' name, what everyone said. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 41:45

Thank you for listening to this message. Be sure to give us a five star rating in review and subscribe wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you'd like to go deeper with our sermon content, you can hear more on our Circling Back with Neil McClendon podcast at Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and wherever you listen to podcasts.