Combatting Passivity in Fatherhood With Brad Flurry

In this episode of the Empowered Homes Podcast, Bobby and Meg sit down with Retired Marine Corps Major, pastor, author and father Brad Flurry to discuss one of the greatest challenges facing families today: the need for engaged, intentional fathers. 

Drawing from his own story of growing up without a father and his years of leadership in the Marine Corps, Brad shares how those experiences shaped his passion for helping men lead their families with purpose. Together, they explore the dangers of passivity, the importance of taking action in fatherhood, and why dads have a unique and irreplaceable role in the home.

Brad offers practical encouragement for fathers who want to lead well but feel overwhelmed, including simple habits that can make a lasting impact on their marriage, children, and spiritual leadership. He also shares hope for dads who feel like they've fallen short and reminds listeners that it's never too late to begin leading with intention.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• How Brad's personal story shaped his approach to fatherhood
• Why a "bias for action" is essential for dads
• Practical ways fathers can lead their families well
• Why loving your spouse is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children
• What it means to intentionally bless your children
• How fathers can overcome regret and move forward with purpose
• The legacy every dad has the opportunity to leave.

Whether you're a father, grandfather, mentor, or simply care about strengthening families, this conversation offers wisdom, encouragement, and practical next steps for building a lasting legacy.

Purchase a copy of Brad's Book here.

About Empowered Homes 

Empowered Homes exists to help families win at home by equipping parents, grandparents, and ministry leaders to live out gospel truths in the everyday rhythms of life. Through free, gospel-centered, and practical resources, along with in-person training, coaching, and equipping experiences, Empowered Homes helps families disciple the next generation with confidence and hope. Explore free resources, training opportunities, and more at empoweredhomes.org.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Hey friends, welcome to the Empowered Homes Podcast. The purpose of this podcast is to grow strong families and to help parents win at home. And I'm joined with my pal Meg.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Hey, what's up?

SPEAKER_02 0:19

And we have a special guest. You uh if you've listened to the show, you know this guy, uh Brad Fleury. Welcome.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Honored to be here.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

Um, Brad, we are excited that you're here because typically we get your wisdom on everything else. But um today is very special because you have put pen to paper and created a new resource for parents. We always say we want to get stuff in the hands of parents, and uh you have written uh an incredible book uh for for dads, for men, um, and even for for wives too. We'll talk about that a little bit. But um, tell us the name of your book and kind of the heart behind it.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Sure. Uh well, first of all, thanks for having me here, Bob and Meg. And uh, well, the name of the book is Bias for Action. And really, it's looking at combating passivity in the life of men. And the way I described passivity is where a man refuses to take leadership in the areas of life that God has called him to, specifically in the home. And so you ask about where the book comes from, is uh a couple years ago I was in a deer stand and I was hunting with my boys and some of their friends, but on this morning it was bittersweet because they were out on different deer stands with their friends. So I was there by myself. And and Bobby, you've been hunting with me, and there's something which deer stand? Yeah, yeah, number number nine. Now we're two. So the the sun comes up, and it was a bittersweet moment because in that moment uh I realized they were coming into manhood. One was in college, one was about to go. And so I began to sort of just look back over the last, you know, two decades of raising them, and was like, man, there's a little some things I did well, but a lot of things I wish I would have known. And uh Bobby, you and Megan know some of my childhood and upbringing. Um, did not have a father figure and sort of the motto that you and I both have shared, Bobby, is I want to be the dad I never had. Uh and so in that moment, it's hard to explain, is I always have a journal with me in my deer stand because it'd be some quiet time and there's good moments. And I just took it out and I began to write lessons that I wish I would have known as a dad 20 years ago. Uh, and I began to write those and write those and write those. And what that turned into was was what I call tasks. So tasks for men. And so the reason why I do task is sometimes men will think, Man, our plates are already so full, and you want to add something. I'm like, Yes, you want to add the right thing, right? Uh, because you've heard me say before, our intentions mean nothing. So I'm focusing on task, right? You can intend to bless your kids, you can intend to love your wife, but your intentions don't matter, only your actions. And so from there, I lined out 20 tasks that I think dads can do, and in doing so will help combat the passivity in their home.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

Yeah, incredible resource. Again, the the title of the book is Bias for Action, Combating Passivity and Fatherhood, these 20 tasks, and we're gonna hit some of them, but I don't want to go through all of that. But uh, you know, we do have shared kind of background with with you know dads that weren't super involved, and and uh a question I get a lot, and we've kind of talked about this off camera, but I thought it'd be a good insight because there's probably a dad in there going, Man, I I grew up similar. I didn't have an example, I didn't have, you know, I always get asked, like, you know, what what drives you to be such a good dad? Is it because you didn't have the example where like there's so many people who fall right back into that same pattern? So what was it for you that really solidified, I'm gonna be different. I am gonna be the dad I wish I had.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

Yeah, uh, I mean, first of all, the the the grace of the Lord and his blessing in my life, good grandparents. Um, but to answer your question, Bobby, I think it was two things. It was number one, seeing uh, even as a young child, uh, this is not how it's supposed to be. You're not supposed to have violence in the home, you're in and out of prison, abuse, these things should not be in the home. Um, and saying that that's not how it should be. And I'm blessed enough to have some good friends who had the families where I could see a picture. I could see a picture of a dad that was not passive, a dad who was present. Um, and in those moments, I remember even as a 13-year-old child is saying, I I want that, um, and I'm gonna be like that. And so just making a decision then. Um, and then through the course of my life, a lot of men pouring into me along the way, you know, me asking them questions, but a lot of times them just coming alongside me as a young married man, as a young Marine, as a young dad, and mentoring me along the way.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

Yeah, yeah, and I'm very similar. You know, I I look back at a very specific, specific moment where I was like, I'm gonna do better than this. There's gotta be better. And by God's grace, you know, over time and people very similar that I was able to to change that path, change that that trajectory. Um, Megan uh has a question for you, Brad. Let's talk about this book. I want every dad to read this, but is is this good for moms, Meg? You're your mom.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

Well, yeah. I mean, I've read it, so I can tell you it's good for moms. Um, but also I think, you know, as as a wife and a mom, um, just in terms of like thinking for your husband, right? Um, maybe wanting better for him as a dad, or maybe like me, I grew up without um I I had a dad, but he he didn't do the things that are in this book, you know. And so just talking from from the the standpoint of of what it would be like for wives to read this and kind of their perspective that they would get in a peek inside of for their husband's.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Is uh I even put it in here in the intro is I recommend the men to to let their wives know that they're reading this, right? To allow them to walk with them through it. Because uh Megan, I I know you, I know your marriage, Bobby. I know you and Jen. Um, and one thing that Jen and Megan do so well, my wife Liz does, is you're the greatest encourager.

unknown 6:10

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

And so as a mom or a wife that may want to read this or check this out or just say, my husband needs to read it, isn't it? Um, you don't want to beat him over the head with this. You need to encourage him along the way. Uh be his biggest true leader, be his biggest fan. Don't point out the flaws in these 20 tasks because every guy has one in all of these. Uh, let him know what he does well and encourage him as he walks through this.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Yeah, I love that. And I actually text your wife and I asked her, and she said the same thing. And that's what I love is um that is exactly what she does. I know that to be true. She's your biggest fan and your biggest encourager. And so that's what she said for for moms and for wives to read it, because it's not to you, you don't want to find all the flaws in in your spouse. That's not helpful. Um, but it's to continue to encourage and to grow as a wife and a spouse and and to to know. She said, I want to continue to grow every day and to seek to be a better Christian wife, mom, and friend. And and she said, being a great wife means encouraging and supporting your husband to be who God has called him to be. And so I just love that encouragement that she sent.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

Yeah, I mean, and sometimes, especially for the the ladies that may be watching, is uh if this spurs your husband to to try these things, right? Don't be the one like, what are you doing? Right is what well, if he's trying to go first, if he's trying to outserve in the home, if he's trying to bless the kids, um, is be a participant in there, but allow him to lead, right? Especially in the area where he may have not been leading before, is now you can step back and allow him to do it. And then he's no longer being being passive in the home. It's good.

SPEAKER_02 7:35

Yeah, it's not like uh you we say all the time, especially with marriage, about keeping score, uh, these 20 tasks. You're not to go through uh and go, he's good at this one, it's not good at this one, he's good at this one. You start tallying off.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Yeah, don't give him a report card.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

Yeah, there's no just uh ultimate encouragement and and allow him to to stumble forward through a lot of this stuff if he's really trying. And and again, I love what you said. Too often, you know, I'll see uh a guy I'm walking with, he's like, I'm trying, but my wife thinks I'm up to something, and then it causes more friction, and that's where you got to communicate, overcommunicate, keep trying. And so these 20 tasks, um, I would love to go through all of them with you, but I just want to hit three and and and leave some suspense for the readers to go, I gotta grab the book. So uh three not in any order. I just kind of pick these. Um task number one I want to cover is you already mentioned it, is go first. So let's explain that.

SPEAKER_01 8:31

Uh well, first of all, I believe that the the husband's role in the home is to be a sacrificial leader, right? Um, we represent Jesus in our home, but really from a practical standpoint, Bobby, it's to go first, right? Somebody has to go first. And I use some military examples of there, of courage on the battlefield, of somebody going first and the inspiration um that it causes their men and a lot of times survival and success. And so for a man, it's really simple. It is in conflict, somebody has to apologize first, go first, right? Um, somebody needs to say, I love you first, go first, right? Somebody needs to do the dishes sometimes, go first. Somebody, and so from a practical standpoint, is we say, go first in your home, outserve, outlove. Um, be the one that blesses before anybody else. And so, as a man to say, hey, I'm not gonna wait, right? I'm not gonna wait for my wife to say, hey, let's take the kids to church tomorrow. Go first. Saturday night, I'm gonna make that decision. So, in all those things where the man can put in his mind sort of initiative, right? How do we combat passivity is with initiative. So we're gonna go first. And so it's just a simple concept of man in your home, in the areas of friction or even a little success, is you go first.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

Yeah, and I know guys that have heard this message from you before, and uh I'm in a small group with, and we'll have a conversation, and that that phrase sits with us. It's you know, we'll talk about different stuff and we'll have a buddy go, hey, go first, man. Go first. And it's become kind of this mantra for for us. I even have a little thing in my truck uh on my dash that says go first, just to remind myself, like, hey, how am I leading? But with going first, I think a lot of times with with guys, there's some fears and insecurities with going first. And so, what are some of the um fears and insecurities do you see with with a lot of men when it comes to leading spiritually in the home?

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Right. And so they may feel totally underqualified, right? Is for a lot of men, they may actually say, My wife is more spiritually mature than me. Um, my wife is actually the spiritual leader, and so uh it can be a very weird, as you mentioned, friction point for them where they feel unqualified for that, unqualified for that. But I think Bobby, for for for them is to realize this is their responsibility, right? And so God's not gonna call you to something and then not equip you. And so go first sometimes is is not taking giant steps. It's a small step, right? And so if you mention uh spiritual leadership, then it's that it may be, hey, tonight at dinner, um, we're we're gonna we're gonna pray. Maybe it's not you, maybe it's somebody else, right? But you're taking the initiative in that. Um, it's with your wife. Like, hey, are we gonna pray together? Uh, are we gonna have a quiet time? Or are you gonna do a quiet time? What's that gonna look like? Are we gonna pray with our kids? But it can be some very small steps in the beginning that helps them go first without having to be something that that's very huge. I didn't say run a marathon, said go first. So take those initial steps, yeah, with those little things.

SPEAKER_02 11:19

And and I like it, it's a it is a call um to combat the passivity because you know, we want to kind of get into our root routines or our rhythms and kind of be passive in this, but to say go first, it it is pushing, it pushes myself, it's pushing other guys, it's pushing our brothers, like that's what guys called us to do. And so, you know, a lot of times we say in men's ministry or different stuff, like we don't want to browbeat or make feel guys feel like they're they're just bad at everything. But this one is a little bit of a push. It is absolutely yeah, and it's unapologetically, right? Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

I mean, because with the go first, a lot of times we'll say outserve, right? It is as the man, you should be the best servant in your home. If I'm reflecting Christ in my home, uh even in my imperfections, then I outserve, right? When my wife and kids, uh, if somebody was to ask them who's the servant leader in your home, it's it's dad, without a doubt. Um, and so sometimes that's done quietly with no fanfare before anybody else gets up. Um, but it's it's going first and in all those areas that allows your family to feel loved and cared for and respected.

SPEAKER_02 12:20

Yeah, it's racing to the end of the line. I say that all the time. Absolutely. So go first. That's the first task. Second, second task I want us to hit. It's one of my favorite. It has made a huge impact for me and even our family, and even my kids have caught on to this one because they push us to task number two is be a yes dad. What does that mean?

SPEAKER_01 12:39

Be a yes dad. So probably be a yes dad, right? Yes, dad is um over a decade ago, a good friend and mentor of mine that I was meeting with for coffee. Um, he gave me some advice. He said, Brad, he goes, just for you and Liz, as you raise your boys, they they were about 10 and 8 at this time, is you raise them undoubtedly based upon your beliefs, your values, um, just the discipline you have in your home. Your kids are gonna have tighter boundaries than some of their friends, right? They're probably not gonna be able to watch certain movies, listen to some music. They're not gonna get cell phones at seven years old, they're not gonna get these things. So they're gonna have some tighter boundaries. The way you can help with that is within those boundaries to say yes to everything you can, right? And so I thought, and so, okay, that's a that's a good idea. Be a yes dad. And I remember this was in um early February when he said that. And then Bobby, in the next month, it's it's spring break. It is March Madness, which is if people watch, that's a big basketball tournament, and and my boys are a big fan of that. And so they come in my room at about nine o'clock on a Thursday night. I go to bed early, right? And so I'm getting ready for bed, and they come in, they say, Dad, do you want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings and and watch the second game of March Madness? So immediately I'm about to say no, right? I mean, I'm ready to go to bed. And dad gummit Bobby is Terry Sal's voice, and my mind says, be a yes, dad. And so I look at the boys and I said, Guys, you're asking me to go eat wings at nine o'clock at night, right? Well, dad, it's not a school night of spring break. And I said, We leave in 10 minutes, right? They they lit up, right? And Bobby, I can tell you, is we hopped in the court in my truck, we went, we ate, and it was more than wings. It was conversations, it was a moment, it was a memory. And I look back on that, and if I would have not had that conversation with Terry, is I would have said no. And I would have said no for one reason, my convenience and my comfort. Right. And I would have missed that. I would have missed that moment. And so from then, as I saw the fruit of that, and so sometimes it's big moments where you're saying a yes to, but a lot of times it's little moments. Hey, will you um play Legos with me? Yeah, uh, will you go outside and throw the ball, right? Yes, yes. Um, and if you know, sometimes it's hey, give me five minutes, let me finish this, and then I'll come with it right. And so there's there's I don't want the dads listening to immediately think of the exceptions. No, think of all the times that you can say yes, and you can be a yes dad or a yes mom.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Yeah, and your kids remember that. I do even last night, um, Chapman he didn't have practice, but we had a uh, you know, a batting cage reserved and all this stuff, and anybody could go when required, and his team. And Chap's like, Dad, can we go? And I was exhausted, and I was like, I don't really want to. He's like, Dad, I really want to go. So be a yes dad. So I got there, and then sure enough, I found out that I was the only dad to show up. So I threw BP to 10 kids for an hour and a half, and I can't feel my arm right now. Yeah, like it's my arm press.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

That's the cost of a yes dad, but you wouldn't miss it for anything.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

No, we had so much fun. We laughed, kids were hitting almost hit me twice. Like they thought it was the fun. And and chap woke up this morning talking about it. He's like, Yeah, dude, you see, Brendan almost killed you last night because he hit one right by my head. But it was just such a a moment I remember having to tell myself, be a yes dad. And we and we we did it. And Megan, yeah, we say often too, you can be a yes mom. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

I don't know, you well, and I just love the progression of also how it opens up communication with your children. So if you're if you're being a yes parent, a yes dad, and that's even if it didn't start when they were little, but if it starts when they're young and you're dropping the things or saying, give me five minutes and then come, and then you follow through, like how that opens up communication for your kids, because you know, as they get older, those times where they're asking you to do something are fewer and far between. And so, but they know they can come to you. And so I just love that that's like the progression of the yes, what that really opens up is yes, it's fun, but you're also opening up intimacy and and communication and all those things.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

I mean, the the beauty of this is when we say be a yes, dad, Bubba, your kids are moving in your direction. Yeah, yeah, and that's something we should never take for granted as a parent, right? Because you know, mine are out of the house now, they're in college, and so they don't have that as much, right? But man, what if they move in mom and dad's direction? Yes, right. That's what the Lord does to us, right? The Lord doesn't say, Give me a minute, I'm working on this, or or or punish me with lack of his presence. No, right? And so a lot of times it's just being present is so huge. And so when your kids ask you that, man, as much as you can, and it's gonna battle your convenience and your comfort, then man, say say yes.

SPEAKER_02 17:13

Yeah, and you know, if your kids pick up on it, if it's language or cult part of your culture, yeah. I'd battle this with my oldest because he's a smart aleck. Uh, he'll ask for something knowing it's just outrageous. He's like, Can I get the Millennium Falcon Lego set that's $400? You're not being a yes dad. You're not being a yes dad. Come on. Yeah. I'm like, you're dumb. Yeah. But but it is such a an easy win to just again put this language in your mind of like, okay, I can say yes. What can I say yes to? Because there is so many things that we have to say no to, but this is a huge one. Um task number three, I just want to hit on, and you we've got 17 more that are in the book. So there's just that these are all so good. We can go through all of them, but this one is, I think, uh, one that gets it's powerful, but it gets missed by a lot of busy dads, but dads who are are scared to kind of open up to this. Um, but it's one of my favorite ones in the book. Task number three build an alliance with other dads.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Right. Well, Bobby, you know, in our men's ministry, we quite often say alone is dangerous, right? And in men is we can wake up and find ourselves doing life uh totally alone, right? And so this, once again, is combating the passivity in that to say, men, you need to build an alliance. And the way I'm framing this one, it's with the dads of your kids' friends. Right. I had a good friend of mine named Mickey Rodriguez, and he told me a long time ago, he said, you should be friends to the best of your ability, or at least know the parents of your friends' friends. Right. And so I took that to heart, and I've been blessed through the years for both of my boys, uh, their close-knit group of friends, three or four boys for each one, uh, to develop a great friendship and alliance with those other men. Um, and so we've taken trips together, we've done things with the boys. Um, we had a breakfast every Thursday at Torchies or Chick-fil-A, all through junior high and high school. We would meet with just the boys. Um, and it was, you know, we would pray at the end, but there was not like there was a guided discussion each time. It was just letting these boys see. And if you're if you have girls, absolutely you can still do this, Bobby. You've got a daughter. Yeah. Um, but letting them see that, hey, my dad had friends, right? My dad had friends, and so that was a big part of it. And second is this I can't provide my kids everything they need, right? Is that there's sometimes men that have an expertise that I don't have, that has life experiences that I don't have. And so especially as they got older, I have told them by name, you know, you were one of those, Joe Landy was one of those, uh, Stephen Teeley, there's others that said, I would say, hey, if you, you know, if you've got a question and you're not comfortable coming with me, go to these men, right? Now they're gonna come back and tell me, absolutely, right? But they can provide guidance. And then on a practical level, is um, you know, uh one of my boys was was is studying part of his stuff of business in college. That's not my cup of tea, right? I've had no experience in that. So as he was thinking about that, he called some of the other men in my alliance, in my in our alliance um and sat down and had coffee and picked their brain about what that looks like for future careers. And so for the men, just to know, is I think if you look at your kid, whether it's son or daughter, look at the people that are in their life, their close friends, as I would say, man, you need to move in the direction of their parents. And if you can, more than just a casual acquaintance and be friends. And what came of this was some great friendships. One of the traditions that we started every year before school started, uh, we would get these boys and all their parents together, we'd have a big dinner, and then we'd have a time of blessing, which is one of the tasks, and prayer over these boys before they went to college. We did that in eighth grade, all the way through their freshman year of college. And so our boys got to see that, man, our dads have real friendships.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

Yeah. And it's so important to, you know, you mentioned having other voices in your kids' lives and not even just their voice, but their actions and how they uh interact. I'll never forget Chandler went to dinner with with one of her friends, and it's a dad that I'm close with, and they went out and she came home just talking about how Mr. Mark loves his girls, and she thanked me for loving her the same way. So she got to see a model of of a like-hearted dad doing the same thing, and it's not it's not crazy, like it's a normal part because it's a part of our community, and um, you know, building that alliance with other dads, uh, you know, not to get negative, but Brad, what what are some barriers? Because I can hear in my head some things of dads going, that sounds great, but there's barriers or there's realities to actually there is.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

So the barriers number one is gonna be yourself, always, right? It's my convenience. Um, and these these go and step together. It is guess what? When it comes to building that alliance, someone has to go first, Bobby. We just talked about that. Somebody has to make the first call, right? Hey, I remember texting the other dads. Hey, you guys want to get together first, have coffee. You want to go to Torchies? Do you want to do this? So, number one, somebody goes first. A guy doesn't want to do that, especially with other guys. And plus, it is these men that may be watching this, they may have other friends, right? And so I'm asking them to add to their pool of friends, but I think it is worth it um to be involved in the life of the other men that may be influencing your kids.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

Yeah, it's totally worth it. It's amazing. So, Brad, again, the book, if you're you're still hanging on with us listeners, um, bias for action, combating passivity and fatherhood. 20 tasks for every dad. Um, Brad, thank you for just your heart putting this together. And I know I've seen you uh the last almost nine years. As you are a father, I've learned so much from you, and um, this is gonna bless so many people, and especially Meg, um, the the moms to to to take this and to encourage their husbands, but also read it themselves. Um, thanks for just putting this.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

Thanks for having me on.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

Yeah, yeah. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

It's always a pleasure.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Yeah, you can access uh Brad's book, you can buy it um Amazon and uh anywhere. Um, but you can also get a ton of great resources that are connected to this at empoweredhomes.org.