The Stuck Stops Here
I am on a healing journey, breaking cycles of toxic family patterns of mental, verbal, and emotional abuse that have plagued my family for generations. My children deserved better than what I got so I embarked on a path of healing, addressing the internal pain caused by the rage, fear, guilt, shame, rejection, manipulation, and neglect that I was raised with. This quest for authenticity and peace is an endless journey of discovery and recovery with no finish line. I hope my story, truth, humor and mistakes inspire others and that is why I am sharing my story.
Tammy Sue
The Stuck Stops Here
TSSH 49 - Guilt and Shame are NOT the Same š²
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Shame is often referred to as āthe toxic cousin of guilt. Guilt says āIāve done something badā. Shame says āI am badā. Shame may show up in some of these ways: feeling inferior, defective, flawed, worthless, phony, and unlovable. For codependents, shame can lead to control, caretaking, and dysfunctional, nonassertive communication. Shame creates many fears and anxieties that make relationships difficult, especially intimate ones. Many people sabotage themselves in work and relationships because of these fears. You arenāt assertive when shame causes you to be afraid to speak your mind, take a position, or express who you are. You blame others because you already feel so bad about yourself that you canāt take responsibility for any mistake or misunderstanding. Codependents are afraid to get close because they donāt believe theyāre worthy of love, or that once known, theyāll disappoint the other person. The unconscious thought might be that āIāll leave before you leave me.ā Fear of success and failure may limit job performance and career options. When we feel guilty, we are looking outward and seek to reverse the harm we caused. When we feel ashamed, we turn our attention inward, focusing on the chaos churning inside us and are unable to recognize what is going on around us. Authentic parental connection, unconditional love and attunement from the day you are born is a foundation for self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-love. Too many of us donāt get that. Instead, we get ignored, rejected, criticized, judged, belittled, controlled and manipulated and grow up into adults that feel undeserving, inadequate, angry and inferiorā¦all leading to shame. I perceived everything through a shame filter, even when it wasnāt intended that way, it distorted my perception, created a manic hypervigilance to my environment and blocked authentic connection with myself and the people in my life. Compassion is the anecdote to shame. Healing requires a safe environment where you can begin to be vulnerable, express yourself, and receive acceptance and empathy. Then youāre able to internalize a new experience and begin to revise your beliefs about yourself. It may require revisiting shame-inducing events or past messages and re-evaluating them from a new perspective. Usually it takes an empathic therapist or counselor to create that space so that you can incrementally tolerate self-loathing and the pain of shame enough to self-reflect upon it until it dissipates. When we step back from momentary experiences that trigger shame and observe it without self-loathing, we are strengthening our capacity for self-reflection. Toxic parents shamed the real you into oblivion. Awareness and acceptance will expose the āyou are not good enough lieā that we were told by people who didnāt know better. When you bring compassion to your daily thought process, youāll be empowered and liberated by a shift in your thinking and well-being and you will feel less isolated.
https://self-compassion.org/
https://healingfromhiddenabuse.com/
