88: Behind the Scenes of a Happy Childless Holiday

When we want something, it's not actually that thing that we want.  It's the feeling that we imagine we'll have when we have the thing.   When I wrapped my head around this concept, I could use it to determine exactly what I wanted to feel and how to bring those positive emotions into the holidays.

The holidays don't have to be full of dread.  They used to be for me.  I'd avoid anything that had to do with kids and stuck to the adults-only parties and activities as much as I could.  And then I suffered through the rest.

But then I found a way to intentionally create the holidays I wanted.   For me, that was a season full of peace, joy, beauty and a little excitement and anticipation sprinkled in. 

In this episode, I share:

•  exactly how I shifted my mindset around the holidays and now, dare I say, love the season
• how I was able to tap into my true desires and the feelings I imagined they would bring
• the holiday traditions that bring me those exact feelings

If you want to find out more about how you can find Meaning Beyond Motherhood, DM me "focus group" to join my free focus group for childless women.

Where to find Sheri:

Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

References from this Episode:

85: 10 Tips to Get You Through the Holidays as a Childless Woman
86:  How to Prepare Emotionally for Holiday Gatherings
The Worthy Project by Meadow DeVor

Where to find Sheri:
Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

Transcript

 I just saw a post in a Facebook group by a woman who said, I just want to fast forward to January holiday. Things put away back to normal. If you are a childless woman and you're here listening to this, I'm guessing that maybe you feel a little bit of that dread as well.  I definitely used to feel that way.

The holidays. We're so tough, especially when I was still single.  I feel like it was even worse Then I felt like a teenager Staying in my old bedroom in my parents home and I'd watch my parents focus all of their attention on my sister's kids everything was always about the kids and I was just  expected to accommodate  I hated feeling like that too.

I, there was a huge part of me that just wanted to enjoy the holidays.  Fast forward five years and I do enjoy the holidays. I love the holidays. And I want to give you a behind the scenes look at how I did it. So stay tuned if you want to enjoy your holidays, too.  Hi, I'm Sherry Johnson and you are about to discover how to embrace your life as a childless woman who wanted to have a family and never could.

This is where we combine mindset shifting tools with practical tips so you can break free of outdated societal norms that condition us all to believe that women without kids just don't measure up to the moms.  It's where we take action on processing grief and And accelerating the healing journey so you can feel free when childless women awaken their self worth, they transform from hopeless and inadequate to worthy, accepting, and purposeful. 

Think of this podcast as your weekly dose of light bulb moments that will shift your perspective as a childless woman about yourself, about your innate power to change yourself, your future, and maybe even the world we live in. If that's what you want, then keep on listening.  Welcome back to the Awakening Worth podcast.

This is, I think we're on the fourth episode in a series that is leading into the holidays and we're  Pretty deep into it now, I think.  At least in Canada, we start celebrating, it seems, the day after Halloween. So,  stay tuned if you want to hear more about how to love your holidays and maybe not even just love the holidays, but love your life.

Because I'm gonna give the secrets  to loving the holidays, but when you use these on your life, that can work too.  So I used to dread  at least certain aspects of the holidays. I did like the party, the adults only parties. I enjoyed decorating. I, there was lots of things that I did enjoy, but navigating the shopping malls full of kids and Santa and elves. 

I hated that commercials, all the kid focused commercials, all the kid focused events, parades. We have something called old fashioned Christmas here in my little town  and,  and the family gatherings, all of that was tough.  But now, as I said, I'm back to loving it. I've embraced our adult time and also the time that I have with my little nieces and nephews. 

So how do I do it?  I want to give you one particular piece of my three pillar framework for meaning beyond motherhood. And that is all about redesigning your future.  And we talk about this in the childless world, recreate your future, re imagine your future, redesign your future. But in my world, we don't just redesign the future.

We also redesign the present.  One of the biggest mistakes that I think we make as childless women is to sort of hope that the grief and the triggers are simply going to fade. And with that, our happy future will unfold.  But it doesn't. And if you've been following this series, you've heard me say this before. 

First of all, unless you put some sort of work into completing your group grief or processing it, and also to let go of the triggers,  they won't just disappear. You'll still be getting caught off guard by grief,  sometimes at the most opportune, inopportune moments, and you'll still be triggered.  But those are the first two pillars of my framework, and you can learn more about those in episodes 85 and 86. 

The third part is about the future. And like I said, it, it doesn't just unfold. Happiness requires intention. Joy requires intention  for anyone, really. It's not just childless women.  It becomes a really apparent gap for us because,  because of our experience in childlessness.  So if you've been waiting around for things to get better on their own, or simply trying to hide away until the holidays are over, then this episode is for you. 

We only really have the present. So that is what I focus on. We  don't have to wait another year or another two or five to start enjoying the holidays again.  Another bomb could drop on you in a year.  Life is full of loss. It is full of challenges.  And so we can't just wait around until, you know, I'll feel better when all this grief goes away.

I'll have a better Christmas when this all goes away.  You don't have to wait for that.  You don't even have to wait for tomorrow.  So here is,  I think I've got five different things here.  Um, that are a behind the scenes look at how I create joy during the holidays.  So number one, first of all, I had to figure out  all my guilt and lack of deserving. 

I needed to feel deserving of a beautiful holiday, just as deserving as the parents.  It was only a couple of years ago that I really started to delve into self worth.  And what it means to feel worthy. And a big part of that was understanding  what, how could I tell that I didn't feel worthy? What were the signs?

What does feeling worthy even feel like?  And two of the biggest signs that you don't feel worthy or valued or you feel somehow not good enough are guilt.  And a feeling that you don't deserve something, whatever, you don't deserve help, gifts to buy. I felt like I didn't deserve to buy things for myself.  I shouldn't spend money on myself. 

I felt guilty when I asked my family to come to us for Christmas instead of us going to them. Cause I thought that we were the most flexible since we didn't have kids. So we should be the ones to travel. Shouldn't we?  I should be the one to bring food, to do all the things. For someone to come to me,  that made me feel guilty. 

I also had a hard time receiving help. The holidays, they come with a lot to do,  especially if you're hosting. And I didn't feel as though I could accept help.  And I also Felt like I didn't deserve rest, like proper rest, or just flopping down in front of the TV until everything was done.  I also, here's another sign, perfectionism. 

I felt like everything had to be perfect. So whenever we were hosting, it didn't matter who we were hosting, whether it was my family or friends or my book club, whatever it was,  I felt like everything had to be just right.  And I never even realized that because I was not showing a lot of perfectionism at work.

And that's where everyone talks about perfectionism showing up.  But I did feel this level of perfectionism at home.  If I was hosting, as I said, everything had to be perfect. I'd be cleaning the bathrooms right up until the last minute before the guests arrived.  So that's also a sign that you might not feel,  feel worthy and deserving of maybe the Christmas that you deserve or the holidays that you deserve, whatever you're celebrating. 

The first step to even allowing myself to have a joyful Christmas was building back that self worth, which meant letting go of the guilt. And.  And by the way, this is something that you can't just say, Oh, Oh, okay. I'm just going to let go of the guilt. I'm just going to stop feeling guilty. I'm just going to start feeling like I deserve  to take care of myself or whatever that feeling is. 

It's a practice and it's one that, that I spend a lot of airtime on inside of my community. It's a key pillar in my meaning beyond motherhood formula. Um, that I use in my group immersion and with my one on one clients. So if you want to know more about that, send me a DM  with the word episode 88 and I think we're on 88  yes, 88 episode 88 and I'll, I'll tell you more about that. 

So that's the first thing that I had to do and I spent the way that I did this.  I read.  Lots of things. I read Meadow DeVore's book called The Worthy Project. I worked with an, a coach who was the one who really helped me to identify that I wasn't feeling worthy and all of his guilt and deserving were, were linked to that. 

I, um,  I practiced. So I discovered that there were things that made me feel worthy and then I practiced those things. So  those were some of the things that I did and all of the next things that I'm going to tell you are the things that I practiced. So there are things that will make you feel worthless and there are things that will make you feel worthy. 

And those are different for everybody.  For me, I had to identify what are the things that.  Allow me to maintain my boundaries. What are the things that bring me joy and actually allowing myself to do those, giving myself permission.  The second thing that I did  was I really had to figure out what brings me joy. 

And this ultimately turned into my joy formula. It's a bit of a process because when I was trying to figure what brought me joy, I was so focused on  two things. What everybody else needed, what everybody else wanted  and  my quest for having kids and what I didn't have.  So I had completely lost touch with What might, what I,  what I found joyful, what I really wanted. 

So the first thing that I did,  I had to look at the holidays and figure out what is it that I actually want.  And the clue to this could be just, what is it that you envy  about the people around you, the parents, the,  the moms.  Or just other childless women. Maybe it's that.  So look at what it is that you envy. 

For me, I wanted to create traditions with my Children.  I wanted to enjoy doing things together that felt special. Things that we would only do during the holidays.  And I wanted a Christmas morning full of surprises.  And once I figured out.  Those things, then I could really delve into, well, what are the feelings that those things bring? 

So for me, those things,  those things brought me a feeling of peace,  a feeling of tradition,  that something is special.  Also connection. I was looking for connection, fun and excitement as well. The, you know, the Christmas morning full of surprises. That's. It's anticipation, it's excitement, it's, it's fun.  And so then I asked myself, well, how can I bring those feelings into my holidays now? 

So when I thought about peace and tradition and things that I only did during the holidays, well, what did I already  love? What did I like to do already? And one of the things that I love to do is decorate. I loved,  I still do, I love decorating. I like bringing up the Christmas decorations from the basement  and  putting up the greenery.

I love actually cutting fresh greenery and putting that in vases and things around the house. I love going to the Christmas, we have this place that sells Christmas trees.  And it just smells so good, like balsam fir and  all the evergreens. And I love walking in there. The family that owns the house.  The business is so friendly.

They're always helped me pick out a tree  and They cut the end off so that when it gets into the water It actually soaks it up and they put it on my car for me and I just I love that whole experience So I keep doing that even though it costs me  a little extra money and a little extra time but it's something that has become a part of that feeling of tradition  So I do that.

My, my husband and I will, well, I decorate the tree.  While my husband watches and drinks eggnog and rum, but he will always put on the Charlie Brown Christmas, um,  the soundtrack from the Charlie Brown Christmas movie,  which I love. It's sort of jazzy and, and not like traditional Christmas. And so we do that.

We, we decorate the tree together and we put that music on and we drink rum and eggnog and we turn the fire on  and that leads me to my next.  Feeling or thing that I love to create that gives me a feeling of peace and that's bringing coziness into my home. And part of that comes from the decorating.

There's nothing cozier than little twinkle white lights throughout your house and  all that extra greenery and  putting up lights outside, but also just allowing myself to have an evening by the fire with a good book and a glass of wine. Or. or snuggling with my husband. We have this massive couch for the two of us and, you know, getting into the corner of that couch  and just kind of, I don't know, snuggling. 

Coziness. Coziness is also something that I will bring into our meals. So maybe I'll light a candle, which we don't always do for the rest of the year.  So I'll light a candle and have a really nice meal. So that actually, that leads me to my next thing, which is food. I love food. I love trying different kinds of food. 

We have some traditional things that we  will make during the holidays. But I also like to try new holiday cookies that I find on Pinterest. Or  different types of food that just might feel like something special. Cause I want that feeling. of being special.  And food can sometimes do that when you spend a little bit of extra time making it.

Or even if it's for yourself, I used to do this for myself as well. I'd light a candle and make myself a really nice dinner because that's part of the worthy and deserving part, by the way,  is actually spending that time on you  just because, because you are also deserving. There have to be someone else there to deserve. 

a, you know, an expensive meal or a meal that took some time to make.  Something else that I really love to do is to hike, especially in the snow because it's not muddy. My dog then doesn't get muddy,  but it's really beautiful. I'm just looking outside my window today. We've had a little bit of snow and so it's really, and because it's not that cold, it's sticking to the trees and it's just.

Stunning. It's beautiful. And so I bring that. I guess that's another thing that I really love about the holidays is the beauty.  And so I'll look for opportunities to bring in that beauty and hiking is one of those things. I'm fortunate enough to live near a lot of hiking trails.  And I take full advantage, but even if that, you know, you're living in a city,  find somewhere to get outside and breathe in the crisp air or walk through a park or go to the water and just notice how it's different in this season. 

And then the other thing that I like to do to bring in that  specialness, that fun and excitement,  I, we still do gifts and stockings. I still.  Fill a stocking. Usually I fill my own as well as one for my husband, but I like the surprise of that.  It's kind of fun to look for all those little things through the holidays  and sometimes even throughout the year that I can throw in there. 

And,  and I like to include some surprises for Christmas morning, no matter who I'm with, whether that's my family or just my husband.  We also like to watch the Christmas specials. So, and  I like the ones that aren't just typical nuclear family. So, The Holiday is one that I love with, um,  Jude Law, one of my favorites, and  Kate Winslet, and oh, it's such a great movie. 

Charlie Brown, The Grinch, they're not all about  The typical nuclear family. So I kind of try to stay away from,  um, some of those  Hallmark holiday, holiday ones, although they are starting to come out with some newer ones that aren't such a typical family focus. So let me know if you find a good one.  And then the last thing that I really do bring intentionally into my holidays are spending time with my family.

I do, I get along really well with my two sisters  and my parents and my brothers in law and my sisters in law and my husband's side. And so I do love spending time with them. So we will gratefully  spend You know, a day celebrating the holidays together. And I have been, you know, as I said on, on a couple of my earlier podcasts,  that I really try to lean into what kind of person do I want to be at those gatherings?

What kind of aunt do I want to be to my nieces and nephews? What kind of sister do I want to be? What kind of daughter? What kind of friend? So, I've been really leaning into that this past holiday season. And that's been feeling really good.  So the joy, that's part of my joy formula. That's number two,  number three.

This is a big one.  I also had to be honest about what I didn't want. So while number two was all about what did I want and what do, what, how can I bring joy into.  My holidays, the feelings that I wanted to feel,  but I also had to be really honest with myself about what I did not want.  And some of those things, you know, were things that originally triggered me when I started my fertility journey.

When I started to walk the, I started to realize that I wasn't going to have children.  You know, I'd go to the malls and I'd be really triggered by all the kids lining up to see Santa.  And when I got honest with myself, I didn't want to spend time in the malls. If I had kids, I would not want to be in the malls with him.

I did not want to line up to see Santa, only to watch him cry or not want to get on his lap.  I didn't want to cart my kids around to a million different places during the holidays,  or have to travel on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning.  I didn't want to make homemade Christmas decorations or string popcorn for the tree.

I'm  not crafty.  And I like my Christmas tree to look nice.  So, you know, when I look at other people's Christmases and, you know, their silly trees with all their decorations at the bottom, or all their homemade  decorations, or whatever it is, I I looked at that and thought to myself, actually  I don't want that. 

I want my Christmas tree to look pretty. And I want it to look kind of  kind of semi decorative and  I want to wrap the presents underneath in wrapping paper that is not full of Santas and reindeers.  So I wrap my gifts in brown paper, brown craft paper, and I put greenery on top and candy canes for the kids.

So I don't know. I think that's actually You know, the brown paper is at least recyclable and they still look pretty in my eyes and I don't think they're really, the kids really care anyways, they care what's, what's inside those gifts, not on what the wrapping paper looks, looks like.  So  I just decided I'm, you know, when I, when I was triggered by those things, I, I tuned into, do I really want that anyway?

Did I really want that? And.  I stopped doing the things that I didn't want to do  and I stopped caring what people said.  So that's number three, I really got honest about what I didn't want about the holidays and I slowly got rid of everything that I could.  The fourth thing,  I really started to look at the silver lining  and this isn't something I recommend in the beginning,  especially, you know, it can be really triggering when people are always looking for the silver lining.

Well, at least you get to sleep in on Christmas morning.  And that can be really triggering. But I asked myself, what could I see as a gift and  sleeping in on Christmas morning actually did feel like a gift for me.  I didn't want to get up at five or six o'clock in the morning.  So, So,  I actually now see that as a gift we don't sleep in.

I mean, sleeping in for me is sleeping till 7 instead of 6,  so it's still not super late or anything. But I do see not having to get up and go anywhere or get things ready or be up till 2 o'clock in the morning wrapping gifts as  a real gift to not have to do that.  And yeah, one of the silver linings is, is I could have a tree that I could make look like I wanted instead of having all the bulbs at the bottom. 

I saw the cleanliness as a gift. So not having the mess of all the gifts and the paper and the toys and the  battery packs and plastic and all of the things.  I now see our, our  Clean and tidy home as a gift. One of the other silver linings was not having the overtired kids.  And maybe that was just because of my memories as a kid. 

I think a lot of us were, I mean, there was a lot of excitement around Christmas, but I feel like there was also a lot of yelling. Um, because we were misbehaving, we were over tired and I see that a lot with, with parents today is trying to manage cranky overtired kids that have had probably way too much sugar and not enough sleep. 

So you might not be there yet and that's okay. You want to take, you know, you're quite happy to, to take the overtired kids. And there was a point where I did too,  but I've started to come. Um, to the point where I'm okay with,  with not having to deal with that.  Okay. Number five, this is the last one, and this is all about gratitude.

And it really, I suppose it kind of links up to number four,  you know, looking for the silver lining. What can you see as a gift?  Having gratitude is really about.  And sometimes just looking around and noticing  what can you appreciate in this picture. And at first you might look around, you know, as I look around my office, I think, Oh, well,  it's just an office,  but there are actually tons of things here that I can appreciate.

I can appreciate  the fact that I'm speaking into a mic and can reach.  Um, you as a listener in just a few clicks, I am grateful for the amethyst crystal that I see sitting over there on my desk because it's so beautiful. And I love having that on my desk.  My beautiful do less planner that I bought from Kate Northrup is sitting next to me.

The fact that I can. That she has come into my life and, and has created this beautiful planner that I'm going to start using very soon because we're just about at the new year. And so,  you know, there's probably lots of little things. And when you move into a space of not just noticing them and appreciating them, but feeling the gratitude for them. 

kind of closing your eyes and dropping into your hurt and allowing yourself to feel that. It's very difficult to feel the negative things when you're in that place of gratitude.  So that was one of the best things that I did that allowed me to bring joy into my holidays. So hopefully that has given you a good picture of my behind the scenes, what it looks like for me, some of the things that I enjoy, some of the ways that I was able to tap into that, and some of the things that I don't enjoy.

And maybe there are things that you do, but I'm sure there are things that you don't that you could identify and maybe let go of or Do less of,  and, and I am sure there are some silver linings or some gifts in your life that you could have gratitude for.  So  now that you know what I do to make the holidays my own, to make my holidays joyful for me, what are the pieces that you could take away to make your own holidays joyful? 

And if you'd like to take this whole process to a deeper level. I would love to invite you to join me next Tuesday, December the 19th for a free holiday focus group where I'll be teaching you my entire framework,  the Meaning Beyond Motherhood framework and the Joy Formula as a piece of that.  Which I told you a little bit about today.

So if you'd like to join that just send me a DM with the word Focus group and I'll send you the details. My Instagram handle is at sherryjohnsoncoaching Send me a DM there with the word focus group and I will send you the details for that free group on Tuesday the 19th. That's all I have for you today.

Come back next week for another episode Leading into the holidays. Bye for now