138: Loneliness Isn’t the Problem—It’s How You’re Trying to Escape It

Tired of feeling lonely as a childless woman? 

Most childless women feel lonely at some point or another. Loneliness is an uncomfortable feeling not only because it feels like you don't belong, but also because society today has conditioned us to believe that there's something wrong with us if we're lonely. 

Today we are flipping the script on loneliness. Loneliness is not a character flaw. It's just a sign that you're craving true connection.

The problem is, if you're lonely as a childless woman, you may be tempted to seek out the wrong kind of connection. It's called, "Common Enemy Intimacy", and if this is where you think you're finding connection, it's actually making your loneliness worse.

We're going to talk about society's reinforcing messages about lonely childless women, why we sometimes seek out the wrong connections that can make your loneliness even worse, and the counterintuitive thing to do instead. 

Where to find Sheri:
Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

Transcript

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Sheri Johnson: Today I want to talk about a topic that comes up so often with my clients and in my audience, and it is the topic of loneliness.

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Sheri Johnson: I think that it's something that

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Sheri Johnson: everyone who doesn't have children, whether they chose not to have kids or or didn't actively choose that

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Sheri Johnson: has. We've all felt this in one form or another. In fact, I think all humans have felt lonely at 1 point in their lives or another. But it's something that comes up a lot in the childless community.

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Sheri Johnson: And today I want to really flip the script on what loneliness really is, and why the way that we try to escape, it might actually be keeping us more stuck.

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Sheri Johnson: I know this might be a topic, or the the things that I'm about to tell you

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Sheri Johnson: might challenge your thinking it might be new to you. And so I'm going to offer this up with compassion

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Sheri Johnson: and ask you to keep an open heart. And but if you are someone who is feeling lonely.

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Sheri Johnson: especially when you're out with crowds of parents, other moms.

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Sheri Johnson: you feel excluded. You feel that tug

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Sheri Johnson: of loneliness. Then keep on listening. I'm going to show you how to break free of of

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Sheri Johnson: the way that we're trying to escape it.

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Sheri Johnson: Okay, stay tuned

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Sheri Johnson: welcome back to the awakening worth podcast welcome if you are brand new. I am so glad that you are here listening. It means so much to me when you take the time to listen and also respond. I do get lots of emails from people who tell me what resonated with them about a particular episode or what helped. And I absolutely love that. I read every one of those emails. And I respond, because

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Sheri Johnson: that's what helps me to understand what you're struggling with, and what is helping. So do that. Send me a note. Send me a DM. On Instagram or an email, whatever works for you.

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Sheri Johnson: So as before we dive in. Actually.

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Sheri Johnson: you know, we're here in the northern hemisphere. We're starting to feel some signs of spring. We've still got snow on the ground here in Collingwood, Ontario. But it's starting to melt. And with that, and also with the extra light, because the days are getting longer.

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Sheri Johnson: I'm starting to feel more of a an urge to get out of the house.

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Sheri Johnson: and you might be feeling that, too, and that can sometimes bring

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Sheri Johnson: sometimes that can bring more social time and less loneliness.

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Sheri Johnson: or it might actually expose you to feeling more lonely because it actually does.

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Sheri Johnson: I heard this the other day, and it sort of struck me in order to feel lonely.

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Sheri Johnson: you actually need other people.

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Sheri Johnson: So if we didn't know that there was anybody else living in the world

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Sheri Johnson: we wouldn't feel lonely. We feel lonely when we

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Sheri Johnson: when we're either in a room.

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Sheri Johnson: You can be in a crowded room and still feel lonely if you don't feel like you can connect with anybody in that room.

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Sheri Johnson: and you feel lonely when you're by yourself, because you're you're imagining everything that you're missing out on, or any everything. You're not doing all the people you're not connecting with.

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Sheri Johnson: So with spring, the coming of spring, and the the urge to get out, or the

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Sheri Johnson: more social engagements and things coming up, you might feel actually more lonely

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Sheri Johnson: than you did before, or you might feel less so.

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Sheri Johnson: Stay with me, regardless of where you're at.

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Sheri Johnson: The 1st thing that I want to tell you is that loneliness isn't a sign that something's wrong with you.

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Sheri Johnson: It's actually a signal that you're just craving true connection.

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Sheri Johnson: But you might actually be reaching for the wrong kind.

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Sheri Johnson: So that's where we might go wrong.

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Sheri Johnson: You're craving to true connection, but you may

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Sheri Johnson: be tempted to reach for the wrong kind of connection.

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Sheri Johnson: So let's unpack the 1st part of that. Loneliness isn't a sign that something's wrong with you.

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Sheri Johnson: What I find is that this is

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Sheri Johnson: this, isn't, I was going to say, like a lot of childless women think this, but I actually think this is a societal thing.

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Sheri Johnson: If I'm lonely, there must be something wrong with me, and if you've

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Sheri Johnson: if you're thinking this, you're you're not alone. I've certainly thought.

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Sheri Johnson: felt this way before, and I think

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Sheri Johnson: in general our society has grown up

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Sheri Johnson: thinking that loneliness is a character flaw

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Sheri Johnson: the loner, the person that we called the loner at school was not someone you wanted to be.

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Sheri Johnson: We thought of that person as different, unique.

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Sheri Johnson: Odd!

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Sheri Johnson: I'm sure you can think of other words,

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Sheri Johnson: society paints images of childless women in particular, alone with cats.

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Sheri Johnson: How many times have you heard that the childless cat lady?

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Sheri Johnson: And then also movies and fairy tales display women without kids as a witch, or maybe a best, a medicine woman, or a midwife, or someone living on the outskirts of town usually like cast out of society somewhere out in the woods.

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Sheri Johnson: She's a loner, and the picture that society has painted for us of people who are alone is

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Sheri Johnson: somewhat shameful, and so feeling lonely becomes almost a double shame. So so 1st you're lonely, and then

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Sheri Johnson: you've, and and so that brings about shame because

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Sheri Johnson: you're you know. You think there's something wrong with you because you're not out with other people. You're not out enjoying yourself. You're not out enjoying life, or even if you are, you're still feeling lonely. You think there's something wrong with you.

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Sheri Johnson: But second, and you feel shame for even being lonely, because our society says that loneliness is somehow shameful.

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Sheri Johnson: The other thing, a few things that you might be thinking, or that might be going through your mind

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Sheri Johnson: are

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Sheri Johnson: as a childless person, I should be more grateful for the life that I have. So then you you know you almost judge yourself for feeling lonely.

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Sheri Johnson: You know I have like, especially if you have a quote, unquote, great life.

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Sheri Johnson: If you have people in your life, you have.

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Sheri Johnson: I don't know the freedom to do the things you want to do.

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Sheri Johnson: You're creating a life that should be happy.

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Sheri Johnson: and you tell yourself that you should be grateful for all the people in your life. You should be grateful for all the wonderful things in your life, and yet you still feel lonely.

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Sheri Johnson: That's like shaming yourself, and you might also be thinking I should have this figured out by now.

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Sheri Johnson: You know. Why. Why is this continuing to go on?

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Sheri Johnson: Why have I not healed this? Why have I not figured this out?

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Sheri Johnson: And then I heard one of my clients say recently, maybe if I were better at relationships like there's something that I'm not that I

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Sheri Johnson: there's something that I'm not learning. There's a skill that I don't have at relationships.

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Sheri Johnson: And so if I were better, if I had that skill for building relationships. I wouldn't feel this way.

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Sheri Johnson: So think about that for a second. Like what? What? Which of those might be coming up for you, and notice also, if any of this.

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Sheri Johnson: what I've just said about loneliness feeling shameful if this is triggering you, if if there's something, if there's some stuff coming up.

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Sheri Johnson: That's not abnormal, and it's telling you that there's something here for you.

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Sheri Johnson: There's something that you're resisting, something that is here for you. So come at the rest of this with an open mind.

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Sheri Johnson: So let's

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Sheri Johnson: let's get into a little bit deeper into the the loneliness and and why we do have this

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Sheri Johnson: this belief that loneliness is something that is wrong, or there's something wrong with us or

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Sheri Johnson: or that there's something we need to fix

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Sheri Johnson: society conditions, women to believe that their worth is tied to nurturing and caregiving and belonging to a family unit.

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Sheri Johnson: So when you don't play that role.

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Sheri Johnson: you don't belong to a family unit, the way that our society kind of

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Sheri Johnson: describes it as the nuclear family.

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Sheri Johnson: then you may automatically believe that you are less than because society teaches us conditions us to believe

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Sheri Johnson: that you are not as worthy. If you don't have that, if you don't belong to a family unit.

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Sheri Johnson: and

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Sheri Johnson: from an evolutionary perspective. When you, when you don't have that role, it can feel like you're floating without a tribe.

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Sheri Johnson: We're wired for connection. We are so human beings are social creatures.

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Sheri Johnson: In fact, our ancestors, our early ancestors, being outside of the group, not fitting in, not belonging, actually meant

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Sheri Johnson: danger or even death. If you didn't have other people around you. You were vulnerable.

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Sheri Johnson: There were threats that you may not be able to

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Sheri Johnson: face without people around you, even just gathering food required community.

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Sheri Johnson: So this is hardwired within us. So of course, we feel

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Sheri Johnson: panic when we feel lonely. We can feel anxious when we're lonely.

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Sheri Johnson: because it's bringing up something that's deep seated with it in our DNA

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Sheri Johnson: that it's time to go, you need to go find connection. This is dangerous.

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Sheri Johnson: By the same token, when I think about our ancestors and the way that they

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Sheri Johnson: I don't know about you, but I've watched lots of documentaries and done a lot of reading on how our ancestors used to live.

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Sheri Johnson: and

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Sheri Johnson: childless people would not likely have been cast out of a tribe. They played a role, sometimes a really important role in a tribe.

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Sheri Johnson: Our ancestors would have lived in close-knit communities, sharing meals, sharing the care of the children, socializing, sharing

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Sheri Johnson: the gathering of food, the chores around the the tribe, the wherever the community men, both men and women.

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Sheri Johnson: they didn't live in the insular family units of 4, the way that we live now.

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Sheri Johnson: so people without children wouldn't have spent so much time alone

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Sheri Johnson: they would have. They would have had other purpose

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Sheri Johnson: and meaning, and roles within their tribe.

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Sheri Johnson: Many of them became the medicine woman, or the the midwife, or

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Sheri Johnson: the you know, they would have helped care for the other children, many women it, and this is where the phrase it takes a village

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Sheri Johnson: because the care wouldn't have fallen on just the parents

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Sheri Johnson: in our society, in our culture.

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Sheri Johnson: in Western culture is become some sort of virtue to be strong and independent, and

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Sheri Johnson: we talk about well, my family comes first, st and when they talk, and when people talk about my family. They're talking about their immediate family.

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Sheri Johnson: not their extended, you know, siblings, parents, aunts, and uncles, cousins.

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Sheri Johnson: It's the nuclear family unit that they're talking about, and that's what they put first.st

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Sheri Johnson: And of course they're going to.

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Sheri Johnson: But in our more ancient times

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Sheri Johnson: that family unit would have extended beyond the the immediate family.

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Sheri Johnson: And in our society today we create these physical boundaries around our home

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Sheri Johnson: and around our families. We create energetic boundaries around our families.

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Sheri Johnson: and it makes it much more difficult for childless people

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Sheri Johnson: to break break through, that to

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Sheri Johnson: to find their own found families, their their family units, their friendships.

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Sheri Johnson: We also live in a culture that prioritizes productivity and busyness as a sign of connection.

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Sheri Johnson: So you know, when people, when you ask people how they're doing. Oh, I'm so busy

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Sheri Johnson: that's a sign of their worth, or we we see it as a sign of worth importance.

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Sheri Johnson: I'm so busy, so I must be needed.

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Sheri Johnson: I'm so busy. I'm I'm so popular. I have so many social engagements.

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Sheri Johnson: all weekend. My weekends are full that has become a virtue in our culture.

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Sheri Johnson: So when life slows down for anybody.

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Sheri Johnson: and you don't have as many social engagements.

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Sheri Johnson: This is when we start to feel

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Sheri Johnson: lonely. We're not living up to the societal expectations that you're supposed to be busy.

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Sheri Johnson: And when you don't have kids.

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Sheri Johnson: then you're not living up to the societal expectations because you're not busy raising kids.

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Sheri Johnson: And so then we feel the loneliness even more.

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Sheri Johnson: What I want to talk about next is that loneliness

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Sheri Johnson: is actually not something to feel ashamed of.

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Sheri Johnson: It's simply a signal.

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Sheri Johnson: So loneliness isn't evidence that you're somehow broken, or you're somehow not good enough.

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Sheri Johnson: It's not evidence that there's something wrong with you.

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Sheri Johnson: It's just a biological cue telling you that that stems back to these evolutionary times.

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Sheri Johnson: It's telling you you need connection.

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Sheri Johnson: You need the right kind of connection.

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Sheri Johnson: So I just finished Brene Brown's braving the Wilderness

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Sheri Johnson: fantastic book. I think I've read it 3 times now, and

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Sheri Johnson: so I'm going to explain. I want to take one of the concepts that she describes in that book.

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Sheri Johnson: and really hone it in on the childless experience.

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Sheri Johnson: So she calls it common enemy intimacy.

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Sheri Johnson: And what this is is when we bond with other people over shared outrage.

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Sheri Johnson: So we we share with others our judgment, our self-righteousness.

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Sheri Johnson: What I see particularly in online Facebook groups. But I've also. I've also seen it in my own

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Sheri Johnson: women of worth program.

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Sheri Johnson: And we

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Sheri Johnson: I tend to shut it down because it's it is common enemy intimacy. I'm going to explain this.

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Sheri Johnson: So what I see is that childless women will often connect by venting.

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Sheri Johnson: So we vent about insensitive moms about.

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Sheri Johnson: You know mother's day is coming up in the in some parts of the world at the end of March, and it will be for

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Sheri Johnson: North America in May, Mother's Day ads and emails.

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Sheri Johnson: We vent about the clueless people, all saying the wrong things or ignoring us or excluding us.

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Sheri Johnson: And what that is doing.

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Sheri Johnson: This is a visual that really helped me understand what I was doing when I because I'm

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Sheri Johnson: if you're doing this, there's no judgment. I I did this as well, I still do this sometimes

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Sheri Johnson: not so much around my childless experience anymore. But on other things, we all vent about people that do things that hurt us

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Sheri Johnson: what that, what we're doing when we vent with other

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Sheri Johnson: people, other, the people we think are going to understand. We try to bond over our shared outrage.

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Sheri Johnson: What we're doing is putting the person who who said the thing on the stand.

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Sheri Johnson: It's like being in a courtroom, and then we start gathering our evidence. Our jury, the our witnesses.

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Sheri Johnson: all the people who will confirm

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Sheri Johnson: our judgment and keep us feeling like we're right and that can feel like connection.

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Sheri Johnson: It's quick, and it's intense, and it's really satisfying when somebody agrees with you and says, Oh.

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Sheri Johnson: somebody said that to me, too. It drives me crazy. Oh, yeah, I had an experience like that, or we all jump on something

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Sheri Johnson: like I've seen some people jumping on the Kieran Culkin, Oscar, acceptance speech, and how

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Sheri Johnson: all the things. Go listen to the speech. If you want to know more about that. This I'm not going to get into that about in too much depth here, but

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Sheri Johnson: we gather, and we judge him for saying what he said.

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Sheri Johnson: and the more people we can get on our side.

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Sheri Johnson: the more we feel like I'm winning the case.

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Sheri Johnson: But that kind of connection with other people

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Sheri Johnson: is actually what Britney Brown calls it counterfeit.

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Sheri Johnson: It's like the way that I look at it is. It's like junk food for the soul.

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Sheri Johnson: It's quick energy, but it actually leaves you ultimately empty and malnourished.

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Sheri Johnson: True, belonging. True connection is like slow, cooked nourishment.

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Sheri Johnson: It takes more time, but it's going to sustain you and your body, and it's going to make you ultimately feel good

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Sheri Johnson: junk food makes you feel good right away because it tastes good.

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Sheri Johnson: It's that saltiness you crave, or it's the sugar, the sugar rush, but it doesn't ultimately sustain you.

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Sheri Johnson: So this kind of connection it will it? It sort of discharges that pain temporarily, but it's not going to lead to that true belonging. It's going to satisfy the sugar craving for a little bit.

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Sheri Johnson: but it's not going to sustain you.

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Sheri Johnson: It actually, this is why it's keeping you stuck. So let's get into this.

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Sheri Johnson: It keeps you locked in us versus them thinking

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Sheri Johnson: so. There's us over here, and there's Karen Culkin up in the stand.

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Sheri Johnson: and he's wrong, and I'm right.

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Sheri Johnson: and it keeps you feeling separate.

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Sheri Johnson: and it doesn't matter who's in the stand. It could be

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Sheri Johnson: a friend in your life. It could be your mother-in-law. It could be your sister-in-law. It could be your

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Sheri Johnson: for I don't know it could be anybody.

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Sheri Johnson: It's going to keep you in. It's also going to reinforce the us versus them.

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Sheri Johnson: You know women who don't have kids and women who do

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Sheri Johnson: that kind of separation, and us versus them mentality.

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Sheri Johnson: It also reinforces the story that no one gets me.

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Sheri Johnson: No one understands what I'm going through.

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Sheri Johnson: And when you reinforce that, you're actually reinforcing a story of self-pity

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Sheri Johnson: so that also might trigger you because self-pity.

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Sheri Johnson: while that is simply an emotion.

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Sheri Johnson: is something that there's also shame around.

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Sheri Johnson: So with a feeling of self-pity, we shame ourselves for feeling that way.

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Sheri Johnson: But we probably all want to get out of that right. So this kind of venting, this counterfeit connection.

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Sheri Johnson: common enemy intimacy, it's intimacy that's

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Sheri Johnson: that's built through a common enemy

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Sheri Johnson: that is going to reinforce that story that nobody else gets me. And it's us versus them.

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Sheri Johnson: True belonging isn't fitting in by sharing outrage.

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Sheri Johnson: It's actually standing in your truth

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Sheri Johnson: without actually needing others to validate your pain through that shared judgment.

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Sheri Johnson: So we talk a lot about needing our pain validated.

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Sheri Johnson: And I want to get into that in a few minutes. Actually, I'm going to give you some

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Sheri Johnson: some 1st steps on what you can do. Instead of this kind of

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Sheri Johnson: counterfeit connection, because we're all craving deep deeper connection.

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Sheri Johnson: especially after what I'm finding is that after the pandemic and lockdowns, people have have

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Sheri Johnson: kind of become much more insular.

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Sheri Johnson: I myself have, too. I hibernated all winter, and I've lost touch with what I actually need, which

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Sheri Johnson: I just went to Mexico a couple weeks ago, and and spent some time with other people, went to a dinner party and

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Sheri Johnson: and met some new people, and it made me realize how much I miss that.

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Sheri Johnson: So we are beginning to crave this and

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Sheri Johnson: beginning to sort of come out of this hibernation.

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Sheri Johnson: So okay, back to validating your pain through shared judgment. So

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Sheri Johnson: I'm going to give you these 3. I have 3 kind of big tips that are going to get you started on building true connection.

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Sheri Johnson: And in one of these I'm going to talk about that kind of validate getting your pain validated.

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Sheri Johnson: So 1st of all, 1st kind of counterintuitive solution that I want to share with you is.

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Sheri Johnson: can we let go of the myth?

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Sheri Johnson: That belonging looks like what you thought it would?

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Sheri Johnson: So releasing the expectation that belonging equals traditional family.

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Sheri Johnson: Our belonging equals.

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Sheri Johnson: A certain Friendship Group, sometimes belonging looks like just finding one person who sees you or one place.

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Sheri Johnson: I don't know a yoga studio, a book club somewhere where you actually feel alive.

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Sheri Johnson: so can we let go of this myth that belonging equals being a part of the Mom group

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Sheri Johnson: having a family that isn't the definition of belonging and going along with that.

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Sheri Johnson: What belonging can look like.

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Sheri Johnson: Or I suppose, let me put that a different way. So

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Sheri Johnson: we think that belonging looks like having a friendship group around us, or having a group of moms around us having a traditional family

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Sheri Johnson: that also suggests that belonging resides outside of us.

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Sheri Johnson: That that's what gives us belonging, or people make us feel included or less lonely.

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Sheri Johnson: Other situations will make me feel included or excluded, and

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Sheri Johnson: by defining belonging out there as something that other people create for you

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Sheri Johnson: is putting your power into their hands.

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Sheri Johnson: Belonging doesn't actually reside out there. You cultivate it inside of you.

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Sheri Johnson: So

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Sheri Johnson: Brune Brown calls this belonging to yourself, which is a whole concept. I'll let her explain in in braving in the wilderness, braving the wilderness.

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Sheri Johnson: But really it's about finding your authentic self and being true to that

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Sheri Johnson: telling that part of yourself this true version of yourself, what you believe, what you, who you truly are

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Sheri Johnson: telling yourself, showing that part of you is telling that part of yourself that you that it's worthy

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Sheri Johnson: of being shown so where do you feel most like yourself? Who are the people

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Sheri Johnson: with whom you can be most yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: So that's 1

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Sheri Johnson: that's tip number one. So let go of the myth. That belonging equals something equals traditional family. It equals being part of the mom group.

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Sheri Johnson: and that it resides outside of you

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Sheri Johnson: because belonging happens within you. It's something you cultivate.

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Sheri Johnson: and that's something that we go so much deeper inside of the women of Worth, which I'm opening up

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Sheri Johnson: in April, April first.st So if you want to go deeper on this, then that's something you're definitely going to want to be a part of.

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Sheri Johnson: Let's move on to tip number 2.

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Sheri Johnson: Can we seek connection based on shared values instead of shared pain?

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Sheri Johnson: So this is where I think it's a myth that

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Sheri Johnson: we need people who understand our pain to validate it.

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Sheri Johnson: What I think is that our society, our culture, we have not been taught how to sit with other people in their pain. We have not been taught how to empathize with other people. We fix, we

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Sheri Johnson: show them, we try to show them the silver lining we.

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Sheri Johnson: and sometimes we're in too much of our own pain to be able to sit with someone else in theirs.

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Sheri Johnson: and sometimes we just can't stand to see

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Sheri Johnson: our friends or our family in pain, so we don't want to go there with them.

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Sheri Johnson: What I find in my community is that people who are in pain actually can't hold space

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Sheri Johnson: for other people in pain.

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Sheri Johnson: What happens is that they create this counterfeit common enemy intimacy.

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Sheri Johnson: Instead, they just vent their pain.

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Sheri Johnson: and they connect over shared complaints.

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Sheri Johnson: and that actually makes it harder.

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Sheri Johnson: Everybody walks away. It might discharge

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Sheri Johnson: that, you know, venting. It discharges that energy for a minute.

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Sheri Johnson: But ultimately.

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Sheri Johnson: have you ever gone away from a conversation like that, where you actually in the long term, feel better

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Sheri Johnson: if you relate that same story again, and are able to conjure up the same amount of anger or irritation at that story, or you keep replaying it in your head.

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Sheri Johnson: You haven't actually released it.

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Sheri Johnson: You just keep replaying the same story. You walk away angry, and so does the other person, because you called up

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Sheri Johnson: something that they're also feeling.

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Sheri Johnson: So you've invited them to get angry with me.

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Sheri Johnson: Find your the story you can relate to

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Sheri Johnson: that that relates to mine, and let's share

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Sheri Johnson: in our pain. And everybody walks away

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Sheri Johnson: angry or triggered, or just reliving those painful moments.

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Sheri Johnson: So it's it's actually more difficult, yet more rewarding to finish.

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Sheri Johnson: Figure out how to put this on pause.

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Sheri Johnson: It can feel really easy to connect over shared complaints. It's harder and yet a lot more rewarding

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Sheri Johnson: to connect over more positive things like shared dreams and hopes and growth.

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Sheri Johnson: So

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Sheri Johnson: so

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Sheri Johnson: you know, just a couple of examples of that finding finding the book clubs about the topics that you love, or going to workshops or circles focused on personal growth or spirituality, or some creative venture.

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Sheri Johnson: The Yoga studio, the whatever that is volunteering for a cause that you believe in, that's outside of a grief group or outside of a childless space.

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Sheri Johnson: So this second second tip is, can you find connections based on shared values, not on shared payment.

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Sheri Johnson: So that is not to say that pain

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Sheri Johnson: so pain in order to heal it's helpful when it's witnessed.

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Sheri Johnson: So there's definitely value in being with

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Sheri Johnson: other people who understand your pain and having that witnessed. But it doesn't have to be people who are in the same scenario.

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Sheri Johnson: There are people in the world who can empathize with what you're going through. Part of the problem is that we don't talk about it.

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Sheri Johnson: We're afraid to talk about it. We're afraid that somebody's going to shut us down. We're afraid that we'll be triggered.

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Sheri Johnson: and so we just write everybody off, and

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Sheri Johnson: we go off and try to find the childless group that

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Sheri Johnson: understands and is willing to vent or validate

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Sheri Johnson: in the only way that we really know how, which is

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Sheri Johnson: by continuing that that venting and complaining.

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Sheri Johnson: So can we in the women of Worth program we actually talk about? You know? How do we uncover?

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Sheri Johnson: What are? How do we actually uncover our our values, what we really.

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Sheri Johnson: how we really want to feel? And how do we bring that into our lives instead of

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Sheri Johnson: the shared pain. That's not to say that we don't talk about those we talked about. Karen call Kim

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Sheri Johnson: and the Oscar acceptance speech. We talked about Jd. Vance's comments a while back.

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Sheri Johnson: We we walk through those and really get underneath. Of

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Sheri Johnson: what does that trigger mean? What does it mean about us?

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Sheri Johnson: We do walk, we get through those, because that's also important to break that down.

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Sheri Johnson: But it's not through venting. It's through getting curious. And gosh, I have a whole process for that. That's a whole other episode.

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Sheri Johnson: So so, yeah, if that is something that appeals to you. This, how can I stop

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Sheri Johnson: the venting because it's getting tiresome

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Sheri Johnson: and begin to heal, begin to create true connection and true belonging?

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Sheri Johnson: So that's number 2, number 3.

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Sheri Johnson: Can we practice courageous conversations.

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Sheri Johnson: I call these courageous, because, being willing to show up fully for yourself, requires courage.

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Sheri Johnson: So 1st of all, you need to show up fully for yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: not just fully as yourself, but for yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: So this is really what I mean by this is.

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Sheri Johnson: you don't need a you don't need others to co-sign your pain. You don't need them to to

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Sheri Johnson: be in your pain in order to understand it.

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Sheri Johnson: and when you feel the need for others to validate your pain in that way. It might actually mean that you're not having enough compassion for yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: And if you're seeing the world as a place that has no compassion for you.

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Sheri Johnson: Maybe ask yourself, are you truly allowing yourself to feel the underlying pain?

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Sheri Johnson: So are you actually allowing yourself to show up for yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: Are you allowing yourself? Are you telling yourself I just need to get over this?

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Sheri Johnson: That's not having compassion for yourself. That's telling yourself. Quit feeling the pain. Get through it, push through, bury it.

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Sheri Johnson: get over it.

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Sheri Johnson: So how are you? What? What are you telling yourself?

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Sheri Johnson: And then are you showing up as yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: So connection actually requires vulnerability and vulnerability works the opposite way, too. Vulnerability invites true connection.

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Sheri Johnson: So could you share your your truth, your true self.

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Sheri Johnson: with someone else without needing them to be just as angry as you are.

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Sheri Johnson: because, as I said before, what what tends to happen when we share a story.

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Sheri Johnson: someone else will start relating their own story and agreeing and judging just as you are, or they'll agree with your story. And, as I said, everyone goes away angry.

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Sheri Johnson: What if you were able to share an experience and

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Sheri Johnson: with someone who can simply hold space for it?

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Sheri Johnson: And can you also do that for yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: So this is what I'm experiencing. These are the emotions that are coming up for me right now.

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Sheri Johnson: When this person said what they did, or this person didn't acknowledge me or this person excluded me.

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Sheri Johnson: This is what I'm experiencing, and I'm going to learn to hold space for it all.

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Sheri Johnson: I'm gonna repeat that because I think it's really important.

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Sheri Johnson: Holding space for yourself

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Sheri Johnson: means allowing yourself to say to yourself, like, this is what I'm experiencing. This is what I'm feeling.

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Sheri Johnson: And this is okay to feel

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Sheri Johnson: and allowing yourself to feel it holding space for it.

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Sheri Johnson: So all 3 of these these tips I'm just going to recap here.

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Sheri Johnson: So the 1st one was let go of the myth. That belonging looks like

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Sheri Johnson: a traditional family, or it looks like

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Sheri Johnson: being a part of a mom group or a Friendship group, or whatever that is, whatever.

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Sheri Johnson: And that belonging doesn't come from the outside. People don't make you feel belonging.

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Sheri Johnson: Belonging comes from within

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Sheri Johnson: the second one, can we seek for connection based on shared values instead of shared pain?

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Sheri Johnson: And the last one? Can we practice courageous conversations?

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Sheri Johnson: So getting, you know, being vulnerable in a conversation showing your true self and being true to yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: So these are 3. These are really

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Sheri Johnson: quick overviews of these 3 tips.

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Sheri Johnson: If you're feeling now like.

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Sheri Johnson: okay, I think I understand that. But how do I actually put it into practice?

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Sheri Johnson: Then reach out to me.

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Sheri Johnson: This is the kind of stuff that we go way deeper into in the women of Worth program.

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Sheri Johnson: And again, that's opening up in April

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Sheri Johnson: for the last time at 2024 pricing.

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Sheri Johnson: So there's I'm you know. Just

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Sheri Johnson: click the link in the show notes

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Sheri Johnson: to join the wait list, or just send me a DM, with the word program and we'll start talking.

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Sheri Johnson: We can chat about it.

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Sheri Johnson: Okay?

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Sheri Johnson: So recapping this entire episode.

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Sheri Johnson: loneliness isn't a flaw. It's not. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It's simply a signal that you're craving human connection.

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Sheri Johnson: And what we tend to gravitate to is that counterfeit connection, common enemy intimacy.

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Sheri Johnson: because that feels good in the moment.

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Sheri Johnson: It's like the junk. Food feels good in the moment, but it's not true belonging.

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Sheri Johnson: and it can be dangerous for yourself

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Sheri Johnson: and the people that you're drawing into your judgment.

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Sheri Johnson: So instead, can you create true belonging by

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Sheri Johnson: creating it, cultivating it from within yourself by using the 3 tips.

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Sheri Johnson: So again, if you're feeling like

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Sheri Johnson: this has shifted your mindset a little bit, but you don't know what to do next.

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Sheri Johnson: This is when you come and join my program, my community, and where you can find deeper connection based on truth and authenticity.

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Sheri Johnson: Okay, that is it for today.

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Sheri Johnson: So I would love to know what resonated. As I said in the beginning, you can always send me an email and tell me

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Sheri Johnson: how this landed for you. What questions do you have? Tell me if it didn't land?

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Sheri Johnson: Tell me if if you're really resisting all of this, because I want to know that too.

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Sheri Johnson: So and we can also start a conversation about about getting you inside of the women of Worth.

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Sheri Johnson: So thank you so much for being here today for joining me, and we shall call this episode complete. Come back next week for another solo episode. I have another

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Sheri Johnson: really relevant topic coming up for you, bye, for now.