Love Is Blind Part 1

Episode: 217

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I knew this episode would be pretty intense so to lighten the mood, we started off talking about our childhood crushes and ended with a Hood Situation about the most awkward thing that's happened on a date. Before you start listening, I've got to give you a Trigger Warning!! This episode, I had a panel of guests on who shared their thoughts about and stories of Domestic Violence and Abuse. The ladies who shared their experiences gave us some chilling, heart-wrenching tales of verbal abuse and kidnapping along with severe physical trauma and sexual assault. This episode contains graphic content and may be difficult for some to listen to. If you needed a sign to leave your abusive or toxic relationship, this is it!

Featuring:
@Jasmine Hunt
@Jasmindeshea
@Ashley__thrash_
@Colorfulaudio
@Dq_11

This episode is dedicated to my friend Tianna Hunt, whose life was cut short because of a tragic abusive relationship. RIP.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a 24-hour confidential service for survivors, victims and those affected by domestic violence, intimate partner violence and relationship abuse. Advocates are available at 1-800-799-SAFE and through online chatting at www.TheHotline.org. All calls are free and confidential.

Copacetic Apparel:
https://teamtch.square.site/

@Thecopacetichour 
@Notorious_big_e

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This week we are hitting you with a older episode, but it was like so impactful that I just feel like it needed to be ran back. I don't feel like enough people heard this episode, and it's so like life-changing and powerful. I feel like it needs to be ran back again. So tune in to this episode. It's powerful. Um talks about one of my classmates who passed away. This is a deep episode. Tune in.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

You're tuning in to the Copathetic House Copetic Buddha.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

This podcast is an air for open discussion, but not for the weak hearted nor the simple-minded. And although we may not always agree, we will always exemplify respect. But at the same time, nobody, and I do mean nobody, is exempt from getting these jokes. Everything is copathetic. Yes, copathetic. That's what's up, that's what's up. So today's icebreaker is who was your celebrity childhood crush and why? Go ahead and introduce yourself.

SPEAKER_05 1:43

Hey everybody, my name is Ashley. This is my first time on the podcast, so I'm super excited to be here. And my celebrity crush was little Bow Wow. I had the poster above my bed and everything. He had those pretty eyes. I think it was from Light Uh Light Mike, the movie. That's when it first started. The little dookie braids he had in his hair. I don't know, it was something about it that just drew me in. And I that was it. That was him. I had three posters in my room of little Baba. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Bow was that nigga though. We was kids, bro. I ain't gonna lie.

SPEAKER_05 2:22

Not anymore.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

Bala a legend.

SPEAKER_04 2:24

Growing up.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

Baba alleged. I don't care what nobody say.

SPEAKER_04 2:27

All right, y'all. I'm Shadonna. Um, I think my childhood celebrity crush, I had a couple of them, but I think my earliest one may be Romeo. I think it was Romeo or TJ Mari from um Smart Guy. Oh Taj Mari.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:46

I like to.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Romeo and Bala.

SPEAKER_03 2:52

No, it's okay. As long as she ain't got that well, that's fine. Hi everybody, I'm Jasmine, and my childhood crush will have to be genuine, uh, mainly because he was fine in his moves. So yeah, that'd be it on that. You've seen his recent moves, though? And it's my first time too on the show.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

So hey, hey, none of y'all niggas aging good.

SPEAKER_05 3:20

Not at all. Romeo looks decent. Romeo looks decent. Romeo looks decent.

SPEAKER_03 3:27

January still looks good too to me. I think he looks good.

SPEAKER_06 3:33

All right, guys. I'm Jasmine. I guess I'll say Jasmine the shade, because it's two of two of us on here right now. Um, and this is my thousandth time being on the fucking show. Excuse my language. So my childhood crush, I had two. I had a thing for light skins. I don't know why, and I don't even like light skinned in men. But mine was actually genuine, but the other one was Lil' Fizz. I had a post, I had like three posters of Fizz on my wall. Shut up, BQ. I had like three posters of fizz in my room. Like, and I had this obsession with like light skins. I don't know what it was about, but I don't even like light skinned to me for real. It was a face. I don't know. I don't even, I didn't even date light-skinned guys, but I had an obsession with like light skins at the time.

SPEAKER_05 4:20

But then was my two. Well, Fizz is ugly now too. They are he is, he looks so yeah, he is.

SPEAKER_06 4:26

And after that video that's been circulating of Genie Wine, he's an embarrassment. So yeah, no, thank you. Yeah, he is. Y'all, they do not make the light-skinned man look good.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

So what's going on, y'all? Uh, my name is D Choo. Uh, like Jazz, I've been on the show too many times. Um, I say my childhood celebrity crush would probably be Pam Greer. Pam Greer. Yeah, I was I I have Pam Pam Greer, man. Yeah, when I was I was a little nigga, man, and I used to be around a lot of older people. So I used to be watching like Jackie Brown and Coffee and all that. She used to come on the screen with that big Afro, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, she the she the one, man. She the one for sure. Hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

Hilarious. I I still knock off hand girls to this day, nigga. To this day, to this day, nigga. Oh shit. Hi, you know what I'm saying? My name is Five. I'm the host of the Copacetic Hour. Shit, my childhood curse. I ain't even gonna lie, nigga. Tapanga from Boy Meets World. That was my little baby.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

Topanga and uh Zarya from the parenthood. I don't know if y'all remember that. Oh, yeah. That's going back. Uh Reagan Gomez is her real name.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

Oh, yeah. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

That was my two little babies right there, nigga. So love to Pango Lil Eyes.

SPEAKER_06 6:02

Topanga was she was the best looking like girl on TV. She was like really attractive. She had a full body.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

Yeah, she had a body. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 6:11

Yeah, like she had full of lips and you know, all of that. She didn't look, you know, but no, I I give you that one.

SPEAKER_00 6:17

Yeah, she was the first white girl I've seen with some lips, man. So yeah, I think she was white. I'm uh I'm I'm judging y'all based on y'all's celebrity crush. Hey G one here with the realm.

SPEAKER_05 6:37

You're gonna say Aaliyah, you came out the woodworks with Pam Greer.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

Pam Breer. Right. Oh them old them old women, man. They had me in the choke code when I was a little nigga.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

This nigga got a whole fetish out here and shit, goddamn. All right, so let's jump right into our first topic. Uh a little serious today, but uh like I was telling everyone earlier, I feel like this discussion is something that needs to be had, and these stories don't really get shared all that often because of you have to be very vulnerable when it comes to this topic. Um, so I first of all, I just want to thank all the ladies here for coming and being willing to share your stories. I um I can't uh ask you enough about everything because it's really a tough situation going on with uh these things happening in the world with everything else that's happening in the world that's crazy. So I just want to uh give you all your coup was it kudos as I used to call it. You know, kudos, you know what I'm saying, for having the bravery to come out here, come on here, and I'll share your stories. So today's topic is domestic violence. So with domestic violence, what's your story and how did it shape you?

SPEAKER_05 7:59

Um, so my first real relationship, um, getting out of high school, growing up, I wasn't allowed to date. I was in a very strict Christian home. My parents were like, no boys, no nothing. You can date when you get older.

SPEAKER_07 8:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 8:16

So I met this guy the summer of um my, you know, before I went to my freshman year of college, I met a guy.

unknown 8:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 8:25

And, you know, he presented himself like this great person, you know, real smooth talker. And me not knowing what a real healthy relationship looked like or how to create a relationship with the opposite sex, because this was like my first real experience. I just went with it. Whatever he said, I was like melting in his hand. Like I just believed everything. So we started dating, and I think six months into the relationship, that's where stuff started to get rocky, and I started noticing a change in him. Um, he started lying more. He started, you know, hanging out with people he never hung out with before, including females. So I felt something was wrong with that. Um, I would bring stuff to his attention and he would just get mad, like you're tripping, you're doing too much, blah, blah, blah. And you're just wrong. Um, so the first time we got into a physical altercation where he put his hands on me, he was on his way to drop me off at class and I had brought something to his attention, and he reached over and just started banging his fist up against my face, just would not stop. And I'm in the car, just shook and like trying to, you know, shield myself. We're going on, we're on the highway going 80, and he's just going at it, hit my face up against the window. And I get out the car, I look in the mirror, I have like a black eye, my jaw was all just my whole face was messed up. I had a bloody nose. And in that moment, I was like, what is happening? I'm 18. I'm like, what is what is happening here? What is going on? Like, I have never experienced anything, I was just in shock. So I ended up skipping class and going home with him. And he's just like, oh baby, I'm so sorry. You know, I'll never do this to you again. I'm so sorry, and I'm like, I believe it. And I believed it. And from there on, it became cheating. Um, he threw me down some stairs one time. Um, just a whole bunch of abusive things. And I lived at home. I had to learn how to cover it up, like with makeup, and I didn't know what I was doing. I'm looking like a clown trying to cover up all these bruises on my face. And my mom's like, when you start wearing makeup, and I'm like, Oh, you know, I just got into it recently. And she's like, you know, your neck don't match the color of your face. I'm like, oh, uh yeah, well, I'm still learning. And I think, you know, everyone started to realize that when he started to isolate me from my friends, he would put stuff in my head like, oh, those aren't your friends. You know, your family really isn't your family. You know, they they don't like me for no reason when there was millions of reasons not to like him.

SPEAKER_07 11:41

Right.

SPEAKER_05 11:42

We we got into an altercation at midnight in front of my parents' house.

SPEAKER_07 11:47

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_05 11:48

And he tried to run me over with his car. And I'm stupid thinking I love this man because you're the first person to ever say you love me, and you groomed me for those six months, and then you switched up. So now I'm thinking I'm in love with you, but I'm but this is just your way of manipulating me to groom me to accept your behaviors. And even him trying to run me over wasn't enough for me to leave. And I don't, it was something in my mind where I couldn't let go of him, and it was like something, I don't know, it had a hold over me for the longest. And the abuse just became worse, it became verbal. It happened in front of his mom, and his mom did nothing to stop it. She just was like, Oh, that's y'all's problems, you know, I'm not in this, and blah blah blah. Um, so the the last um event I can recall that really made me leave was I was outside his house begging him to stay with me, like begging, like, don't leave me, don't, blah, blah, blah. He shut the door in my face. And I called a friend. I hadn't called in forever, and I'm like weeping, like, oh, he's he's leaving me. Like, you know, I'm like in a panic mode that this abusive man is about to leave me. And and so she was like, you know, I'm calling my mom, I'm calling your mom. And my parent, my mom and her mom were there within like minutes. And I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_07 13:44

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 13:47

Take your time.

SPEAKER_05 13:52

I had never been that low in my life. I quit school, I lost my job, I lost friends, I lost myself, and I didn't want anybody to see that. And my mom saw it, and I just was embarrassed that I allowed somebody to take me away from everything I love, and I dropped out of school, and I I still haven't gone back to this day, but that's a whole different story. Um but after I left that relationship, I became a drinker. I was, and this is me just being honest, I was with any man that would talk to me. I was doing all types of just I didn't love myself. And I think once I had my daughter, that really turned it around for me. It really showed me that I have to be different, I have to be better for her, I have to be healthy and whole, and I have to take care of this little girl. I have to, you know, what I feel like my parents might have lacked was just being honest with how relationships are formed. And and don't be afraid to have a relationship with the opposite sex. My parents were so, you know, strict on their Christian values, like don't have sex before marriage, don't do this. So they locked me into this cage of where I couldn't, you know, develop that. So I took anything I could get. I don't want that for my daughter. I want her to, you know, be able to have a relationship with a man or understand what it looks like, but just you know, friendship, just showing her that I trust her, and my parents didn't do that for me. So I hid a lot.

SPEAKER_07 16:04

Right.

SPEAKER_05 16:04

And, you know, I just I like I said, I accepted whatever was given to me. So in 2018, that was like the year after I had my son, he messaged me and was like, can we talk? I hadn't talked to him since 2014.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 16:26

And so I had I had met up with him because I'm like, I'm stronger now. I'm able to really, you know, voice and and tell him like, you destroyed me. You destroyed so much in me, but I didn't stay there. I'm stronger because of it. When I met up with him, um everything was just, oh, every, you know, the relationship was your fault, Ashley. There were things you weren't doing, you know, there was stuff that you know I needed from you that you wouldn't give me. And I'm just like, look, we're not gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm not here to play the blame game. I'm not here to to insult you or whatever. I've prayed over it, I've healed it, and I've just put it in a box. And yes, it's a part of me, it's a part of my story, but you know, this meeting, it you're not going to try to destroy me again. So let this be that.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

Right.

SPEAKER_05 17:24

This is what I'm telling you. Yeah, like close this chapter. Yeah, you've you've wanted to say all these things to me for so long, and I remember when I was pregnant with Tieron, I had seen him in the store. He looked shocked, like, oh man, I haven't seen her in forever. And I'm just like, I'm a whole new being. You you did not keep your grip on me forever. You had a hold of me when I was younger, when I was dumb, when I didn't really know myself.

SPEAKER_07 17:56

Right.

SPEAKER_05 17:56

And now that I know who I am, I know my worth, and it's created, I'm in one of the healthiest relationships I've ever been in now, because I know who I am and I figured it out. And I think what people say into, why didn't you just leave? It's not that easy. It's not just so easy where you can just pack up and leave when you've been conditioned in a relationship to believe that somebody loved you or that you love a person. So when people are like, oh, you know, you can just go, you know, why didn't you just leave him after he hit you? It's not that easy. And I've had friends in domestic violence relationships, and I never told them that, but I always told them, I'm here whenever you need me. If you need me to come pick you up at two in the morning, then I'm here. I'm not gonna judge you because I've been there. And I think it's easier when people haven't been through it to judge it and say, Oh, you can just leave, you can just go.

SPEAKER_07 18:57

Right.

SPEAKER_05 18:58

But until you've sat in it and been through it, you know, just support that person through that relationship because you don't know you could be the person that saves them. Because after a while, everybody will let you go, like, oh, she ain't never gonna leave them, she's never gonna do this. But there's it's it's deeper than just leaving. They is you need a person, and I've been that person for other people, and they've made it out of relationships, and some haven't, unfortunately. But you know, every story has a different ending, and I'm just happy that I'm here to be able to tell my story and say that if you're dealing with this now, find that person that you trust, find that person that you know won't judge you and will truly be there for you and be your safe haven if you have that. And if you don't, there are many resources that you can find. And I hope that whoever is going through this will definitely find that help.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

Now, you say like this changed after six months. Were there any signs in that six months? Now, being a more mature and smarter individual, were there any signs that you could have recognized within that six months before all this started to happen?

SPEAKER_05 20:20

Um, honestly, when I think back to it, yes, there were definitely signs. Um just the love bombing, just you know, we're we've only been dating for two weeks. Why are you saying you're in love with me? You haven't gotten to know me. You haven't really been through anything with me. And I feel like in order to love somebody, you have to go through things, you have to go through seasons. We haven't been through nothing. I've known you for two weeks.

SPEAKER_07 20:48

Right.

SPEAKER_05 20:49

You know, the the the love bombing and just always gifting me with stuff, always buying me things. And and I thought that was great. I'm like, oh, this is the best relationship ever. He's really taking care of me. When in reality, I mean, at 18, I really hadn't been through anything to be, you know, I need emotional support or whatever. But now being 28 and having gone through some things that I've been through, I see a different value in relationship where I don't, you know, financial, yeah, you know, make sure you're stable, but that's not top priority. Are you are you emotionally stable? Can you communicate your problems, your issues? Can we be together as one in our relationship? You know, like are we safe for each other? But he definitely was doing all that extra love bombing and just the narcissistic behavior. He would he would say something and be like, never mind, you really don't care. Like, you don't care about me, you don't, you know, whatever, Ashley. And I'm like, and now I'm trying to convince him, like, yes, I do care, like I'll do whatever, and like, ugh, just manipulative.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

So That's deep. I uh hearing your story makes me feel bad about some things I used to think about. That I still kind of think about. But I I from hearing your story, even though I even knew about your story, don't get me wrong, but hearing it from firsthand from you, I did, I was one of those people, or am I guess I'm changing now, live on the air. Uh like, why don't you just leave? Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? And I would I even have a friend who's went who's went through domestic violence, who's back with her husband. And um me and her relationship isn't the same because I don't I can't be around your your husband knowing that he's doing this to you. And when I picked you up and came to save you and came up with these things for you to leave, you went back.

SPEAKER_07 23:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

And um as a man, uh kind of last week, the week before we did like Protecting Protecting Women podcast. It's like if I put myself out there for you, me and this man could have an altercation where I could die.

SPEAKER_07 23:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

And you're not in a place right now where you're ready to leave him. So I don't want to put myself out there for you to, you know, I get shot and you crying at my funeral, yet you back with this nigga, you know, next month. You know what I'm saying? So it's uh that still kind of gets me, it's a fine line between like caring for somebody and like not being mad at them, but being mad at the the situation, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_05 23:46

You have to know where that person is at.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 23:49

You you can't force somebody to be ready to leave. You know, you have to know if they're in a state of I'm staying, so you know, just check on them. Or, you know, if they call you and say, I need you, then you just be there. Yeah, you can't come up with a plan for somebody who's not ready to go.

SPEAKER_07 24:07

Right.

SPEAKER_05 24:07

You'll never be able to execute it. But when I can say being a friend of somebody who went through that, no matter what, I just was like, Yep, here I come. I'm on my way, or I, you know, I'm here. But like I said, you know, if you haven't been through it, you know, understanding the mentality of someone who's going through it is really difficult because their mind is all over the place. Right. They they could be trying to figure out how do I leave, or you know, what is this person gonna do to me if I leave? And that was my fear. I was like, what is he gonna do? He knows where I live, he knows where I work, he's popped up at my job, he's popped up in people's messages, and just there people don't understand, like, yeah, we want to go, but there's also like a thing that we're trying to protect ourselves from, you know, potentially losing our lives if we leave, because some people are just that crazy to take your life, and when you see that person get to that extreme point of rage, it's very scary to know what they're capable of. I mean, the guy that I was with was working out every day, lifting 200 pounds. I'm just this crawny little 18-year-old. I know what he's capable of doing. So I have to be careful with what I say, with how I move. You know, if a guy comes up and talks to me at school, mm-mm, like please don't talk to me. Like, please just keep moving. Don't act like you don't know me. Because if you don't, he's going to handle it later with me.

SPEAKER_01 25:47

Right.

SPEAKER_05 25:48

And he's even roughed me up, like at KVCC in the hallways. He's roughed me up in one of those hallways in front of people. Like, that was the most embarrassing thing, you know, getting messages from people like, oh, you don't deserve that treatment. And I'm like, bro, I can't leave. Like, you know, and I think like two months after I officially like really ended our relationship, I ended up moving and finding like a different place to live because I was just that afraid. I moved. I even had got a new car, not intentionally got a new car, but I had to get one, which I was like, thank God, because he knows just everything.

SPEAKER_07 26:27

Right.

SPEAKER_05 26:28

So it's also like a safety thing as well for the person, like they're in like survival mode, trying to make sure they can can make it.

SPEAKER_01 26:37

That's deep. I um yeah, and I agree with that too. You know what I'm saying? I I definitely do agree. It's just that I don't know, I want to protect somebody, but because you are my friend, but I can't protect you like you're my wife. You know what I'm saying? Right. I can't lay my life down for you for that. If I can only do so much, even though I really do want to, though. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_05 27:06

It's hard to be a person, you know, in the background loving somebody who's going through that and not really knowing where to go with it. Yeah, you know, because one day they could be ready to leave and you're like, great, let's pack it up. The next day they're like, no, you know, like I I'm not, you know, like I just want to stay because he done took you to an all-you-can-eat buffet and a little hotel room or whatever, like just stuff like that, trying to keep you around. And it's such a sick, twisted mind game that they play.

SPEAKER_07 27:38

Right.

SPEAKER_00 27:40

It's just yeah, it's actually uh thank you for sharing that. I know that's a lot, yeah. Yeah, like for real. That's a lot. So that's how you went through that.

SPEAKER_05 27:52

That was brave.

SPEAKER_00 27:53

Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 27:54

That was I didn't even think I was gonna cry, but it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

This is if it if we're gonna cry on any of them, this is the one yeah.

SPEAKER_05 28:02

I'm an emotional person, so but thank you so much for sure.

SPEAKER_06 28:07

Thank you. First, I'm trying to take a deep breath. I think we all all hearts and minds are clear. We need a deep breath. Um no, I'm serious. I I I'm serious as fuck. Uh I don't even really know where to fucking start. Uh, I was in a three-year relationship that had ended very abruptly, like out of nowhere, just literally. And then about six months after that is when I met uh the ex that's the topic of this story that also happened to be my daughter's father. Dating this person, honestly, my story is so similar to a lot of y'all's just the love bombing, the the dates, the gifts, the time, the attention, all those things, right? And at the time uh we met, it was at the end of me being 24, I had just turned 25. We was dating, everything was cool. I didn't really recognize the signs until much, much later. Because honestly, at the time when you in it, you don't really see it. Because if you're not a person that knows what the signs look like, you just don't know. I started to actually feel some things that just didn't feel right because out of nowhere, you know, even two months into the relationship, I go out with like friends. You put this person calling your phone every five minutes, they want to know where you're at, they want to know what you're doing, what you got on, where you went, like who you in the car. It was just a lot. Like we never really had like physical altercations, most of it was like mental, verbal, emotional. And you know, when you young, you know, you 25, you thinking that's just somebody giving a damn because they like, oh, you know, where you at? Make sure you're safe, type thing. Are you okay? Do you need a ride home? Like that type of stuff. So you start thinking of it in that way, like, okay, this person just gives a fuck.

SPEAKER_07 29:52

Right.

SPEAKER_06 29:52

Right. A few months into the relationship, I actually was getting ready to break it off. Because one, I also knew that I was moving in a way where I was still harboring some uh leftover hurt feelings from the previous relationship not working out. And uh I just knew that that one just didn't feel right, right? I did break it off, but then he still kept contact, like he just wouldn't like leave me alone, type thing. And um three months after that, I literally go to the doctor for a checkup just on some regular shit. Found out I was like three and a half months pregnant already. I was like, what the fuck? Like, and anybody that knows me personally knows that I never really wanted to have kids, and I didn't want to have kids uh out of wedlock, honestly. So now here I am stuck in a situation, I'm pregnant, I'm just now finding out. I'm it's too late to even consider. It's like I wasn't sure if I would ever do something like have an abortion, but it was too late for me to even try to consider, to be honest. I'm like, okay, well, I guess we're gonna do this then. So then him and I have a conversation, and then we decide, like, okay, well, let's try to work through whatever. So then the pregnancy goes by, all of that. Then here comes some of the verbal abusive behavior in the midst of the pregnancy part of just, you know, that like I will say this, and this is just for any man listening that don't have kids yet. Like, if you're gonna have a child with somebody, like you have to nurture that woman, you have to actually like take care of her during that time because that's a very hard time and it's very emotional and it's very like it's rough on your body. So I started to see different things. Like, I would come home from work, I'm just dead ass tired. Like, I'm like, I can't even fucking function. I just want to sleep. I sleep like 13 hours, and it's something as simple as like asking that nigga to like take care of the dishes or some shit was like an argument and fussing for no reason. I'm just like, what is happening? Like, you know, yeah. So three days after she was born, we get discharged, we get home. That's when chick really started like hitting the fan because all of a sudden he just ups and like disappears, just like leaves, like, and so I don't finna go out of town. So now I'm stuck at home alone with a newborn three days out of the hospital. I ain't had no familial help either. So I literally was home alone with a child by myself. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, I didn't know who the fuck to call. I literally put a status on Facebook as a cry for help. Like, I this baby been crying for 10 fucking hours. I don't know what I'm doing. Y'all need to come get her. Like at this point, I was like, somebody come get this fucking kid, bruh. Like, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't got time for this shit. Like, we I'm crying, she crying, we just end this bitch hollering. And uh no, we're like, we just end this bitch hollering together. Then like all of a sudden, like a week and a half, two weeks later, this nigga just pops back up. So he went to Tennessee to see his people. Oh, okay, that that makes sense. So at this point, I was like back on that breaking shit off again. He just wasn't of any help. That's when it the verbal stuff got to be more because it was like uh, you know, I got you pregnant on purpose, nobody gonna fucking want you because you got a baby. All those types of things getting said, and then when she was about, my daughter was about four months old, is when I was like, fuck all this shit. Like, I'll knock all this shit over. Like, fuck all this shit. I want no parts, nigga. You stay over there, I stay over here, we just gonna co-parent. And the shit I'm going through, I will deal with that shit at a later time. And then it was a time where he babysat, and that's what the fuck he did. He babysat while I went to work one day. Literally get home. I think I answered the phone for one of my friends or something, you know. So now we arguing, then we get to tussling, but not like fighting where he like punches me or hits me or anything, but now we just kind of like tussling. Now, mind you, my kid, like right here. Like she is literally watching this shit happen in real time. So one of my neighbors, uh, that I was real cool at the time, when he heard the police on their way, this nigga fleed about this bitch, right? So had to do a police report, all types of things. The next day, popped up at my place screaming, yelling, talking shit, calling me all my names, calling me bitches. It was just crazy. And then as time went on, I actually started noticing that the same way he was towards me, he's towards his mom. So by this time, we not together, we didn't live together. And you know, I'm just at this point, I'm like, I'm just trying to avoid this nigga at all costs. Like, I don't want no parts. So then my therapist explained to me what reproductive abuse was. Like when you have men that try to get you pregnant on purpose because they trying to they want to lock you down or they want to trap into their way up. So it's kind of like, all right, I don't have to deal with this shit. So fast forward like the first two years of my daughter's life, the nigga just was crazy. The harassing really didn't stop. The phone calls, and I'm talking 40, 50 phone calls and call logs back to back, like every single day for months. The popping up randomly, stalking your social media, making fake pages just to watch my social media, having other people follow me on social media, it just got out of hand. And at the time, like unless a person does something, there's really not much the police can do. So, fast forward to June 2nd, 2019, we never had a healthy co-parent relationship. He never was consistent as a father or anything. Right after Memorial Day, he was like, you know, he wanted to pick her up for the weekend or whatever. I'm not trying to keep her away from her dad. Do I want to shield her from toxic bullshit? Absolutely. Right. But at the same time, like I can't, as ignorant as this person is, as toxic, as damaging, that's still her fucking day, and I have to live with that part. So he picks her up for the weekend. We agreed for him to drop her back off on Sunday. Fine. I tried to call later that night to check on her, and he wouldn't answer because he blocked my number. So I'm like, all right, this motherfucker wants to see her and play. So then uh the next day tried to call, I'm still blocked. Sunday came, I'm still blocked. So I tried to pull up to like where he lived, nobody was there. Um pulled up to all his people's house where he hangs out at his friends' house, everything. And nobody was nowhere. And I was like panicking because I'm like, where the fuck is my kid, bro? Like right, she needs to be at home, you know, she got school, I gotta get her ready. We got, you know, we like we like to have our little mom-daughter time on Sundays on chill stuff. Like, where the fuck is she at? My child was parentally kidnapped, and I didn't know where she was for five days. If she was if she ate, if she was okay, if she was sleeping on somebody's fucking floor, and some just I didn't know shit. So I was in this bitch. Nobody knew nothing. My friends didn't know, my family didn't know, her godparents knew because them was only people I could even trust to tell at the time. And I literally sat in this bitch crying, rocking back and forth, like trying to call anybody and everybody, like police, lawyers, asking everybody, like what the fuck do I do? Like, I haven't seen my kid in five days. I don't know where the fuck she is, I don't know shit. And um because there's no there was at the time, because there was no uh parental agreements and all these other things, and because the police literally couldn't locate that nigga, I just had to sit here and just wonder what the fuck was happening. I just had to sit here. I didn't go to work, I didn't eat, I lost 15 pounds in five days. I couldn't sleep, and out of nowhere, like on the fifth day, later that night, 11 o'clock, I get a text from a random ass number. Oh, I'm gonna drop her off. I'm like, what the fuck? I happen to be at the library because I was in grad school at the time. So I was at the library trying not to like just trying to pick myself up off the fucking floors. I rush home, I just sit here. So like 11:30 that night, I just get this random ass knock on her door. It's this nigga, and he literally got her like in a car seat, and he just kind of like literally like here. So then after that, we didn't have no contact for the rest of 2019 going into 2020, and then going into 2020, that was the pandemic. Now, mind you, in 2019, my daughter was um, she hadn't even turned three yet when all this shit was happening. We was back and forth into court, the court wasn't doing shit, the police wasn't doing shit. I'm literally reaching out for help legally with this shit. Right, nobody's doing shit. In the midst of her being parentally kidnapped, I did file paperwork with the court office to try to get restraining orders the whole fucking night. Yeah, the judge couldn't grant the restraint. He wanted to, he wanted to grant an ex parte emergency restrainer order. They couldn't do it because they was like, if she's in his care, if we give you this restraining order, he can't bring her back to you. Because he has because the restraining order is for me, not her.

SPEAKER_07 39:11

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_06 39:12

So it's like, but if she's in my care, then it applies to both of us, right? Right. So I was like, all right, fuck you, fuck the restraint order. He never showed up to court. Usually the court will make a decision when a person doesn't show up after the first couple of times, yeah, or whatever. Not down here in Oakland County. They just kept giving this nigga time or whatever. He showed up on the last day in December of 19 when the judge was gonna make a decision. Nothing. His family started harassing me, calling, calling all times of the day, calling me while I'm at work. His mom popped up in my house. It was just a lot. And then 2020 comes, we came to the conclusion of mediation that he was allowed to get her like once a month or some shit like that. But there was an order of distance that had to stay between the two of us. Fine. After the first couple of times of that shit, he really didn't want to be bothered no fucking way. So he cut the visits off just on his own. Going into 2020, it was a second situation uh of parental kidnapping.

SPEAKER_01 40:08

How long did he this time?

SPEAKER_06 40:10

It was 10 days.

SPEAKER_01 40:11

Oh wow, and for 10 days you had no idea where she was.

SPEAKER_06 40:14

No fucking clue. And again, we in the middle of a fucking pandemic. I don't know what the fuck is happening, I don't know what the fuck is going on. And but this time I said it was different because I had did a lot of therapy, a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of praying. This time it's a little bit different because I said, you know what, guys, you got this. I there's literally nothing I can do at this point. I just sat and I waited. I'ma end this by saying, like, abuse doesn't always look like physical or somebody getting hit. That shit is very fucking serious.

SPEAKER_01 40:46

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 40:47

Yeah. But um I want to say more, but I can't for legal reasons. But let's just say at this point, we just literally have had no contact since that shit in 2020. That's just where we at. An order was put in with the police to just not have any contact. And that's unfortunate because it's like, you know, is my kid, is she really missing out? I don't think so. But at the same time, I also know how important it is for um a daughter to have uh a father and her father, you know, whatever.

SPEAKER_07 41:18

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_06 41:18

You know, when I when he would answer the phone that second time that shit happened, when he did answer the phone for me to talk to her, she's literally crying in the background because she wants to come home.

SPEAKER_07 41:28

Right.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

I don't have any kids, but I couldn't imagine being somewhere like where you have no idea where your kid is. And then you don't even trust the person that the your kid is with all the way, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so yeah, that's different.

SPEAKER_02 41:46

I mean, even if it was a family member, I feel where you're coming from. My daughter's only three, and I could just only imagine being in that position.

SPEAKER_06 41:52

So I mean, I'm talking mindlessly roaming the streets, like looking for someone's car, yeah, like literally like looking for them. That shit was like crazy because like anything could have happened just because you're not thinking clearly, you just trying to just handle the situation. But I will say there's healing in uh telling people what happened and sharing that information. When you a person that doesn't know something looks like, I'm gonna just be honest. Like, I grew up in a family full of women, none of them have us had no men, right? You really don't know what science to look for, and it's like even as a 25-year-old, I didn't know what the fuck. Honestly, I just didn't know. And it's weird, like you would think you're like, Oh, 25, you grown, you grown, yeah, that's true, but you also still um learning and you still just are very unaware, unsure of what's happening.

SPEAKER_01 42:49

You only shaped by your experiences, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_06 42:52

Because you're thinking, like, damn, you know, this dude really like likes me, he really fucked with me like that. Right. And not knowing that you you're getting yourself into some shit.

SPEAKER_00 43:00

Just thinking about your story, I think another thing that um that creates like a whole other layer of trauma is the fact that you have a child with your abuser.

SPEAKER_06 43:07

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 43:09

Especially like um a lot of times, you know, we see we see abusers kind of use that as a as a manipulation tool as far as using the using the child, you know what I mean? So um, and then I think it makes it even worse when the child is not of age to quite understand what's going on. So, I mean, I just I can't imagine, you know what I'm saying? Like the not even just like the effects that I had just with you. One day you're gonna have to have that conversation with it, so it's tough.

SPEAKER_06 43:34

Yeah, and to be honest, you and Ernest both know, y'all both know my kids, so y'all know how intuitive she can be. Uh, to be honest, she's only five, but we've already had to have that conversation because she also experienced trauma in those situations that she literally still remembers. You know what I'm saying? Like she brings it up randomly at random sometimes. And I'm like, you know what I'm saying? Like, what the fuck? We I have to address that. Like, I have to make sure she. She's getting the help that she needs, that she's also getting through those traumatic experiences because she still will bring up certain certain specific things that have happened that you wouldn't think that a kid at five will remember from two or three. And that's just being honest. We had to really sit down and I had to apologize to her and tell her I will it was, you know, for the choices that I made in that situation as well. Like I clearly I chose to have a kid with this person, right? She knows that she's missing something, and that's that's something that I can't give her. Even just recently, Father's Day just passed. We went to a Father's Day barbecue at one of my friend's house where her dude is getting all the praises in the world about being a great dad, all these other things. And my my daughter had a hard day. She had a hard time with that shit. She just she literally couldn't get that shit off her mind of like, where's my you know? So I had to really sit with myself and a lot of that shit and address even my own like traumatic experiences and stuff.

SPEAKER_05 44:55

Make sure you give yourself grace because we don't, you know, we don't pick the cards and life is what it is, but you are doing great by even, you know, making sure you continue to address that with her and make feel validated. That's so important because some people just be like, Oh girl, whatever, your daddy ain't shit. Bye.

SPEAKER_06 45:16

You know, and it's weird. I've actually I don't talk about her daddy, I don't talk about him to anybody. You don't see me with the baby daddy bashing, the the fuck these dumbass niggas or fuck these baby daddy trifling. I don't talk like that. Even at the time when I was going through it, I wasn't saying anything because that's just not even in me at all. And uh honestly, we think that hiding is easier or just avoiding it is easier, and it's not, it's so much easier to address it now, so you don't gotta address it later.

SPEAKER_04 45:47

And it gives her the tools to deal with her emotions better.

SPEAKER_05 45:52

The first five years of a child's life is very, very important. So absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 45:57

No, you got people in your corner pimp, you know what I'm saying? I mean, you know. All right, go ahead, Shadow. I apologize.

SPEAKER_04 46:04

Well, um similar to Ashley, that was my first my abusive relationship, was my first real relationship.

SPEAKER_07 46:11

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 46:12

Um, but I was older, I spent my early 20s kind of just dating around or, you know, school, having fun, whatever.

unknown 46:21

Right.

SPEAKER_04 46:22

So um it was a pandemic relationship, and I do feel like that is a major component as to why I stayed with someone that I probably shouldn't have. Um, we had nothing but to do but sit in the house and talk on the phone and literally him listen to everything I had to say about my childhood trauma and stuff, and just be that closest person to me. Um but um in the midst of that pandemic, the first year of the pandemic, my nephew was murdered in June. And then five weeks later, my dad died in a pretty, pretty tragic way, and I was the only one there with him when he did die. Um and in the event of that, those two things happening to me, I just drew closer to this person who, you know, was my boyfriend, the the person that was the closest to me and knew all my deepest thoughts and um all my emotions and things like that.

SPEAKER_07 47:18

Right.

SPEAKER_04 47:18

But the relationship was moving pretty fast, and that's typical um for you know, either narcissistic or abusive men. They don't want to be in a space where they're hiding their true selves for too long because they can't. So they want to trap you in some way with a relationship proposal, baby, something. Um I met him in February of 2020. April of 2021, I was moving to Philly to help him with his kids.

SPEAKER_01 47:47

Um just two months.

SPEAKER_04 47:50

Huh?

SPEAKER_01 47:50

So February 2020, you said April of 21. Okay, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 47:57

That's okay.

SPEAKER_01 47:58

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 47:58

I moved there to help him out. Also, I knew that it was imperative to relocate so we could see each other more frequently.

SPEAKER_07 48:06

Right.

SPEAKER_04 48:07

Because we were seeing each other once a month, maybe for about five to six days, and you really can't know the true someone when you're only seeing them that you know, that sporadically, I guess. So I knew within that lease, that 12-month lease, that I would know if I want to stay with him or not, um, that our relationship was gonna make it or not. So I moved to Philly, everything's okay. Um, we both got really sick in May, like um a couple of days after my birthday. And come to find out, it was be I was sick because I was pregnant. Um, so that's what I mean about like making things move so fast.

SPEAKER_07 48:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 48:50

I remember the exact time I got pregnant. I remember he intentionally didn't pull out. And I'm thinking, like, okay, I'm in a relationship. I'm 20, how old was I at the time? 27, so or 28, 27. Um, it's time, you know, if I have a baby, whatever, it's not the end of the world. And he's talking about marrying me anyway, so it is what it is. Um, so you know, in the midst of me being in Philly, like tensions were high sometimes. Um, and I think it was because we were finally seeing the true each other. Um, but this is a person who has PTSD from being in the army um and in combat. This is a person that has childhood trauma himself. Um, so the way he deals with his emotions already off rip, even before he put his hands on me, where wasn't the best way to deal with emotions.

SPEAKER_07 49:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 49:43

So um, yeah, I just remember one, the night of the fight was um July 19th. So from April to July, you know, we have an argument here and there. July 19th, it was his dad's birthday, and his dad had passed when you know my ex was a teenager. So I wanted to do something nice for him, sweet for him. Um, I sent him some money to go get some liquor on the way home. And I had dinner for him and like this spa thing, so I can give him a bath or whatever, just trying to be sweet.

SPEAKER_07 50:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 50:15

Um, but instead of eating at the house and getting something to drink on the way home, he wanted to go to the bar. I said, okay, but I didn't go because I was pregnant at the time.

SPEAKER_01 50:25

Right.

SPEAKER_04 50:26

So um he let me know that it'll only be an hour, um, but it obviously wasn't. And he's texting me, trying to keep me in the loop while he's there, but I can tell he's like really fucked up, like in a very weird way. The the conversation wasn't making much sense. Well, anyways, he comes home. Um, peas all over the toilet seating all over the floor. And then when I go to confront him about it, he just started bringing up things that had nothing to do with the pee on the floor, kind of like um, well, I'm paying the rent here, $1300 a month. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Start paying the rent, then I'll piss in the toilet. It's dumb shit. And if anybody knows me personally, I have a fucking mouth on me. I am a Taurus. Uh the words I say cut very deep, especially if you're disrespecting me. So yeah, we're going back and forth saying some fucked up things. And next thing you know, he like socked me in my face. Oh, and I think the shock of it, I didn't respond right away. Like I literally was just holding my face and looking at him. And I was like, Did you just punch me in my face? Like, I literally was shocked. I've never been in that situation before. Someone that claimed to love you, you love them, you love their kids. You're doing you sacrificed your whole family and everybody back in Michigan to come to Philadelphia to help him out. So I was just like, I guess instant portrayal or whatever. Um, and all throughout the abusive process, he was saying a lot of hurtful things, talking about, you know, my father who is deceased and you know did use drugs a while ago. So he's bringing that up to tease me about that. Um, any and everything I told him about my life, like my insecurities and my vulnerabilities, he's bringing them back up and throwing them in my face. And I'm like, that's a different type of hurt because when I shared these things with you, I was probably crying, laying in my bed on the phone for hours. And this is something you want to just throw in my face now, like so casually, so rudely, and you know, it was a lot of hitting and fighting, and then I could just tell he was just kind of distorted, like he wasn't himself, because he did not seem like himself. I felt like he was probably on a pill, something like that. So um there was a period in the fight where he wanted to go through my phone, and I didn't want him to because I was just the abuse wasn't stopping. Like I just really my plan was to grab my keys, sneak out the house, and just drive to New Jersey to his mom's house.

SPEAKER_01 52:49

Was this all the same day, or is this over a course of days?

SPEAKER_04 52:52

Same night. Okay, and um it lasted for about three hours, I want to say. Yeah, there's three hours. So um he goes through my phone and he calls my best friend, my best guy friend. He's accusing me of having sex with him, and Eric's telling him, like, no, we're not, and Eric's met Jimmy, you know, like everything's cool, like, but in the in that phone conversation, Eric actually heard like Jimmy choke me, and he choked me so hard that like I kind of blacked out for a minute. I just remember being on the floor throwing up, and he accused me of faking the throwing up. Like, how do you do that? Um, so he started kicking me in my stomach and telling me that he didn't want me to have the baby anyway, like he would never want to have a kid with someone like me. I took like all the energy and anger that I had, and I knew that I had to fight back. And it was a scary place to be in because I was thinking death, like I was gonna kill this nigga, like literally was gonna kill him. Somebody gonna die tonight, it's not gonna be me. That's literally what I was thinking. And so after I started throwing up, stopped throwing up, he's in the living room calling his brother, calling me all out my name and all this stuff. So now his brother lives on his way to Philly to get me. Um, and then I go into the kitchen and I get a knife, and I literally just had it behind my back. And then once he got off the phone with his brother, he turned around and just kept saying all this smart shit to me. And I charged towards him with the knife, and he grabbed me by my wrist, and I couldn't, you know, connect with his face. But um, I don't know, it was just really it was really weird of him. He tried to pee on me in this fight, he tried to stick his penis in my mouth and rape me during the fight. It was just a lot to go through. So um I tried to call the police. He threw the phone out of my hand, and I knew that that was I couldn't call the police anymore or try to because I needed my phone to go to New Jersey. I needed to navigate there. So I find my keys and I'm hiding them in my bra. Um, and I'm just waiting for the perfect time to like leave the apartment, just race to my car. He kicks me out, so that was great for my plan. I'm running down the stairs, and this nigga is jumping down the stairs behind me. Now we're outside arguing and fighting, and he's admitting all these things, like cheating on me with his baby mama, and that he never liked me anyway, like all this dumb shit. And I guess because we were outside and it was so loud, that's when somebody eventually called the police. Um, and as soon as the police come, he wants to like run into the apartment. We lived on the third floor. He knocked the screen out, and now he's trying to kill himself. But at this point, I'm very angry still, so I'm telling the nigga to jump. And the police get that with me because you know, if he do jump, it will be my fault because I'm making them on whatever.

SPEAKER_01 55:58

Right.

SPEAKER_04 55:58

At that point, I really didn't care if he jumped or not. I did it. Um, so yeah, that was the night. His brother pulls up, they somehow pull him out the window, whatever, I don't care. And you know, in the morning I went to go press charges, get a restraining order, and that's when they let me know he'd be looking um looking at 10 years in prison because of the strangulation. So as somebody that loves this man, loves his kids, um, knowing that his oldest would be 20 and his youngest will be 17 when he got out, I just I guess I did want to send him to jail. Whatever. I really wish I would have though, to be honest. Um, but I didn't want him to send him to jail. I think two days after the fight, I hopped on a plane to come back to Michigan. Um, stayed in Michigan for a couple of weeks, had an abortion, which was really hard because I was, you know, bonding with the baby. But I didn't want to keep a child with someone like that. I didn't want to keep a child with someone that was that far away. Um I didn't want to remind it of that relationship. I just didn't want to. But it wasn't an easy decision, and I think about it all the time. Um yeah, so I did. And I eventually flew back to Philly to sell the furniture in the apartment because I paid for it. And um, and then my sister flew out to help me drive back because I was very, very suicidal, and I was very expressive with that in a group chat with my family. I basically told them if um somebody didn't come out to help me drive home, like I'll probably just drive off one of those mountains. Because that's how low I felt because of what he did and what he said, and you know what I did was like having an abortion. Like I just felt really low. I was at my lowest point, like Ashley said. And um, so my sister flew out, and my best friend that he called the night of the fight, he came to Philadelphia and we had a good night before we left. Um, I said goodbye to my ex's family, they were pretty cool. They gave me some money to travel home with, and um yeah, but the the after effects of abuse like that though is I was so angry. I wasn't myself, I was drinking a lot, I was entertaining this man that I had no business entertaining, like literally just off the age and his personality and things that he did. But I just wanted to feel attractive, I wanted to feel wanted, um, desired, because when someone says all those things about you and beats you to a pulp in the street, you know, you want to feel like something. Um, I was laughing at my sisters and my mom a lot. Um, I was staying with my mom, and there were days where I would literally just say hi and bye to her. I would come in from work and just go straight to the room. It's 5 p.m. I turn the light off and I'm not leaving out. And that was like me for like four months. I literally lost like who I was. I didn't want to do anything that I enjoyed. Um I couldn't be there for my friends. Like I was forgetting birthdays, and I'm just like, I don't do that. Like I remember everyone's birthday. I was forgetting dates. I was literally just on autopilot. That's what I felt like. I was just on autopilot. And I'm just happy that I'm here today. I'm happy I'm not in jail for killing him. I'm happy that I'm not dead. And yeah, I'm just I'm just healing. Um I feel much better now though. It's almost been a year. I feel amazing. I'm dating again. I'm happier. Um, I have my days, but generally, I'm I'm okay. I'm cool.

SPEAKER_01 59:47

That's good. I um I can't imagine ever like me being who I am and like seeing who this guy who you talk about, this nigga was like built like Luke Cage. You know what I'm saying? So like this nigga beating on you, like that shit is crazy to me.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:09

Like I was looking bad. Um, I was bruised up. Um, my ribs were bruised. Um, but he looked worse than me. I'll say that. Because I mean, like with reactive abuse, it's like such a fuel behind that. Like you're so angry. Yeah, I will always talk to defend myself to not tolerate abuse. So when this is happening, when I finally like snapped out of the shockness, oh, I tore this nigga's ass up. I handed his ass to him on a platter. I'm about to beat your ass. And of course, that makes me masculine, and that's why he doesn't like me anyway, because I'm too masculine. But what do you expect when I have to defend myself from you? And like you said, this brother was strong as hell, yeah, big ass, drunk or high ass strength, so it was like amplified.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:02

Like he literally looked like Luke Cage, like for real. Literally, like literally, he does he could be the body double of Luke Cage, for real.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:09

He looked like the the great value version, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:14

Yeah. Okay, so what made you leave? Like from Ashley, where she was like had that hold on her? What made you not have that hold? You think you guys both like it? Was your first relationships for real? And you're meeting a man and they're telling you that you know they love you and everything. What do you think was different in your situation that that hold didn't allow you to stay, didn't keep you around to stay?

SPEAKER_04 1:01:46

I think first was age. Even though I that was my first relationship, I did have experiences with men. I had situationships that lasted for a couple of years.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:54

Right.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:55

I know how to be treated. I know that none of them has ever put their hands on me, none of them ever would. Um I knew what I deserved. Like we just weren't together because of maybe age or what they had going on or just timing, you know, but nonetheless, like it was a good friend. We had a good time, but they treated me well. I was always treated well by these dudes that I had situationships with.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:18

Right.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:18

I also did a lot of work with women um in crisis and children in crisis, so I understand what abuse looks like. I know the signs, I know the, you know, so that was another thing. And just hearing all these women's stories and stuff, it just kind of fueled me, even with my sisters. And first, my earliest don't intolerate abuse um person was my mom. She told me that she was married to a man who wasn't my father in the 80s, named Sylvester, and they were only married for like four months, maybe. Okay, constantly abusing her, and she left and she got this divorce, and she always told me that story, and it just always stuck with me like, do not allow a man to put his hands on you. So I think that's why I think I was just a little bit older than Ashley was. You know, I've had a little bit more life experience. Um, and I was just a little bit more confident about myself. Like, yeah, I was grieving and having a hard time in my life, but I knew that that's not what love looks like. I knew that my child was not going to grow up in a situation where their dad putting his hands on me.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:26

Right. Yeah, thank you for that.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:29

Yeah, thanks for sharing. Yeah, you know, just from seeing, you know, how your relationship with him was to like who you are now, like you've grew immensely. And I'm super proud of you, and I'm so happy to see like the new space that you're in, and like, girl, you're glowing those pictures you be posting. I'm like, yes, girl. So, you know, I'm proud of you for you know, for leaving like right away, because that is not easy for for a lot of people.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:00

So I'll ask you the same question, and I think we've already had this conversation actually at a previous podcast we did. I think it was a red flags when you told me you actually didn't see any signs of him being like this.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:13

Not physically abusive, no. I didn't see signs of physical abuse, but I did see signs of him having poor control of his emotions.

SPEAKER_07 1:04:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:22

Um signs of him accusing me of things I wasn't doing, just insecurities and jealousy. I didn't I couldn't put a finger on what that feeling was, but eventually I realized that he was legitimately jealous of how people responded to me, the followers I had on Facebook. I guess all of those things are just toxic enough to like not even have state. Like honestly, if I was just not grieving um my dad and my nephew, and if it wasn't like a pandemic where I was just tied to this person superficially, right? I don't think that I would even like we probably would have had sex because the nigga was nasty, but I wouldn't have gotten to a relationship with him.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:03

Right.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:04

Okay, girl.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:05

Right.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:06

Okay, I'm saying like so.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:10

I just would have got the dick and leave this time.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:14

You could have spared me the extras.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:17

Uh no, that's real though. That's real shit. Um, so one thing you guys both bring up is the love bombing thing. Like, I've never heard of that, actually. And it makes a lot of sense in the world because most guys, you know, when we meet women, we're not trying to, you know. I like you, but I, you know.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:41

Y'all not guys that's not on the abusive spectrum are not, oh, I'm in love with you with the kind of person.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:48

Right. And that's just what it is. Right.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:50

Exactly. They take their time. Yeah. You know, they're gonna take you on some dates, they're gonna get to know you, they're gonna date other people while they're dating you, they're not just gonna throw all their eggs. One basket, but usually those types of men will just be focused solely on you and just I love you. And it's like, come on, bro. I don't what's my middle name? You don't even know that.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:12

You don't know it's because they make sure that they pick a person that's in a vulnerable state. This won't work for a woman that's sure of herself and confident, it'll work for someone who have low self-esteem or who is grieving at the moment and they just need that love. They know who they're this love bombing. It does not work for everyone.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:31

That's deep. I've never thought about that, but that is a that concept is like very easy to recognize, but I'd never thought about it before. You know what I'm saying? Like that is a good telltale sign for when people are getting in relationships.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:49

Like after Sharon's dad passed away, I was in that dream vulnerable state. And you remember the guy that I brought to the house or whatever, a little short one. Yeah. Anyway, it wasn't an abusive relationship, but it was just, you know, I just was like grieving so so hard that I just was like, oh yeah, I'll just be with anybody.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:12

Like now that I think about it, he was on that same type of shit.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:15

Like that's exactly I started to see that I'm like, oh no, you're not about to be five three and putting your hands on me. I definitely will like do something. You're not gonna do that to me. So yeah, I had to look at myself like, girl, yeah, you might be sad, but you need to get up and get yourself together because I'm not about to go through this at all again. But they do prey on women, you know, it's it's kind of like they they're looking for it, like, oh shoot, who's going through it right now? Uh who's whose mama just passed away, or who just did this, or like who just lost a job, or you know, just anything. And they're like, oh yeah, her. They're gonna, I'm gonna message you and be like, oh, you know, I'm so sorry for your loss, or I'm just you know, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or a dick to ride on, here I am. And it's like, no.

SPEAKER_07 1:08:08

Right.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:09

If you are in a vulnerable state, I highly suggest you do not date until you can control and and get up out of that. You need to focus on yourself, on your healing, and figuring out how to get to the next phase instead of oh, I need I need a man or I need a woman, because men go through it too. They there's women who will take advantage of men, you know, using them for their money, all that whatever. Yeah, but utilize those people in your life that you already have, those friends and family, utilize them and create a bigger, better relationship with those people. Don't create no new relationship with these men who are just inboxing you saying, Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. You know, I really, I really, uh, I really love you, and blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:01

Like I never even thought about getting on nobody like that when they're going through a crisis, nigga. Like that never it's easy. Man, dog, that's crazy. I never even thought about that.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:15

It's guaranteed almost. It's like a hundred percent guarantee. You can get anybody you want, the baddest Instagram model. She's going through it, you gonna bag her.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:24

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:25

Women, women are emotional, we're vulnerable. We we want that connection, so it's easy to connect with a person when you already have those narcissistic narcissistic gifts or attributes or whatever. You already have that, you're gonna go after the weakest link, and you're gonna get them every time.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:45

Literally, uh, even after the breakup, I've never had this much fucking play in my life. It's like they can smell it. Literally, they pulled the car over because I was standing outside talking to my neighbor, and he comes up. Like I've never gotten this much play, and I don't I feel like social media wise, I know it's because everyone knew I was in this relationship with this guy. I was doing all these great things for him, so clearly I'm a good girlfriend. But now that I'm broke, I'm sad and I'm vocal about the fact that it was a very abusive ending.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:18

That's a red flag right there. Why are you messaging me trying to date me? Right. That's so odd.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:25

Friends literally used this time to shoot to finally shoot their shot. And we don't talk anymore, needless to say, because you know I'm in a vulnerable place, so I just distance myself from that situation.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:39

That's deep.

SPEAKER_07 1:10:41

Hey yo, hey yo, two in a two in two heart two, heart two,