Anger can come to us suddenly. I was furious one day as I led a meeting at the church where I was pastoring. The leaders had been discussing the purchase of a van. A man accused me of diverting money from one account to the other without informing the church. It was a direct attack on my integrity. I bit my tongue until the meeting was over, then exploded to a friend about it. My face was as red as my hair, my voice was raised, and my heart rate climbed. I felt hurt, unjustly treated, threatened, and wanted to let my critic have it. I was angry!
Have you ever been in that place? If you are human, of course you have. Anger happens to us all. Sometimes we manage it and other times it is catastrophic. In our episode today, let’s explore anger and some healthy ways to handle it.
The ancient world believed in a pantheon of gods who held the essence of anger. For the Celts it was Balor, the god of the evil eye. For the Aztecs, it was Huitzilopchtli, [Whit-zee-low-pot-zi] who demanded human sacrifice. For the Norse, it was Thor and his hammer. For the Hindus, it was Kali, the dark mother of destruction. For the Greeks and Romans, it was Ares, the violent and Lyssa, the goddess of rage. For Jews and Christians, it is chema, the Hebrew word meaning the wrath of God that punishes sinners. In all of these, the human emotion of anger is projected to the deity and raised to the nth degree. Maybe that gave us humans a convenient excuse for our own anger and violence. As the comedian said, “The devil made me do it.”
In today’s psychology, human anger is complex. Anger has physical components, like I described in my story. Anger has even more mental components when we interpret what is happening around us. Our brain is appraising not only what is happening but also the meaning of what is happening. If I’m driving and hear a loud honk, my body automatically goes on alert. A millisecond later, I look for the meaning. Is it a friend warning me my tire is almost flat, or an idiot who thinks I’m why he is going to be late? I’m trying to answer the “why” behind the honking so I can choose my behavior. Further, my own values are important. If I’m alone in the car, I might shout some choice words at the idiot but if my five-year-old is present, probably not. Anger is more complex than we might think!
Psychologist Brene Brown alerts us to the reality that anger can also be the top dressing for other experiences. Sometimes anger covers our shame as we feel messed up and broken. Or it may be a reaction to being rejected and dismissed. Anger can grow out of an injustice done to us by a person of power. Once again, the search for meaning about what is happening is vital to the anger process.
The life of Jesus offers a story about anger. No, it’s not turning over the tables of the money changers in the temple. That was a calculated political demonstration to shame corrupt religion. The anger I have in mind is at the tomb of Lazarus, one of his best friends. The narrator uses a strong word to describe the emotions of Jesus as he grieved this loss. It is the word most commonly translated “anger.” Jesus was furious, trembling with fury, at the injustice of death that stole the life of his friend. Does that surprise you at a holy man being angry? It shouldn’t. Centuries before Jesus, the prophet Amos preached that God’s wrath was triggered by the Hebrews oppressing the poor. This was not irrational rage or capricious revenge but a warning that evil behavior will lead to tragedy for the perpetrator. Honestly, sometimes it is unholy to not be angry, for love cannot turn a blind eye to injustice, hate, bigotry, and violence that shatters the beauty of this world. To numb ourselves to these dark forces is to damage the soul of our humanity. In the same way, the God whom we know is in loving relationship with all creatures of the universe feels righteous anger when evil is perpetrated on living beings.
The revelation of the love of God in Jesus brought a clarity to our understanding of God. Jesus is always the lens through which we have the clearest revelation of God. Jesus highlighted love as the essential quality of God’s nature. The apostles taught “God is love.” No quality or attribute is above this core essence. Progressive theologians used this insight to look again at the old concept of the wrath of God. That belief taught that an angry God threw thunder bolts of disaster against people who sinned. Since Jesus taught that love is the essence of God, the idea of wrath is best understood as an expression of the consequences unfolding when people resist the path of love and shalom. God is always at work drawing us to shalom, wellbeing, and harmony. But humans have choices in responding to this non-controlling, non-coercive Spirit. We are in tune with Jesus when we think of God’s wrath, not as God spanking the disobedient child, but of the disobedient child hurting himself through bad behavior.
It is tragic that our society has given us bad models that connect anger with violence. Countless TV shows and movies show violence as an acceptable way to express anger. When someone hurts the hero, he will hurt them back as an act of revenge. Did you see the movie Carrie? The 1976 film is one of the best—or worst—revenge films ever made. You know the story: a bullied girl with telekinetic powers takes revenge by burning down the school during the prom to burn up her tormentors, then murders her deranged mother. I never had any desire to see any horror movies, so I missed the movie. But nearly 50 years later the headlines are about bullied angry kids with AR-15 assault rifles murdering children at schools, and that is no fiction at all.
The pattern of anger and revenge is as ancient as the human race, of course. The Bible has its own version in the story of Cain and Abel, as jealous Cain murders his own brother. Maybe we aren’t surprised that modern research has shown that taking violent actions can actually feel good, a shot of positive neurochemicals that elevate our mood and power with others. But the consequences over time are deeply problematical. The school yard bully gets suspended, or the man who assaults his wife is divorced and jailed, and the mass murderer is killed by a SWAT team. Though violence is not a simple cause and effect from anger, finding a way to deal with anger will lower the cycles of violence that afflict our nation.
Could anger ever be a positive emotion? Yes, it can. Counselor Moshe Ratson lists 16 good things that anger can accomplish. Anger is energy to protect ourselves from physical or emotional harm so we can survive threats. We might stand up to the bully on the playground or the injustice of voter suppression laws. Anger brings communication about our self-worth and values. The communication may be to the person who is a threat or to others who might become allies in a struggle for justice. Anger provides insight about our deeper self, as when an offhand comment triggers a rush of anger out of proportion to the event. We should ask ourself, “What was that all about?” Anger can also push us toward our goals and toward success when faced with obstacles. Michelle Obama has written about the school counselor who listened to her desire to attend Princeton University. She was a class leader with high grades. Bur the counselor told her, “I’m not sure you’re not Princeton material.” She was stunned, hurt, and angry. This derogatory remark energized her to work harder to achieve that very goal. She was indeed admitted to Princeton, excelled at her studies, graduated from Harvard Law School, and become a world changer as First Lady.
Anger is complex. We can’t ignore it, for it is a part of our basic nature. What do we do with anger? The emotion must be regulated. We’ve learned that all emotions are more than a feeling. They are interpretations of the event and our physical response. When we are interpreting and finding the proper meaning, we can then make choices about our behavior that helps us. This is managing and regulating our anger. The Bible says, “Be angry but do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). Dr Marc Brackett suggests three methods to regulate our actions when we are angry. Each has its place and time to guide us toward a constructive outcome.
First, we might shift our attention away from the source. Maybe we leave the room to get away from the person who has provoked it. Or we might put on some music we like. Our minds are a little like a radio, which can only tune to one station at a time. You can choose a channel that distracts from the idiot behind you laying on his horn. It is okay sometimes to shrug your shoulders and decide you don’t want to engage in this episode. We can decide the fight is not worth the gain we might achieve.
Second, we could reframe our thought. This requires some creativity in seeking an alternative to the immediate interpretation. Could the guy behind you be rushing his pregnant wife to the ER? Could your wife’s nagging that you call an electrician rather than open the breaker box just be loving concern you will electrocute yourself? Yes, what you think about the situation can make all the difference!
At the tomb of Lazarus, the story continues with Jesus turning the moment in a different way. He reframed the event, calming his emotion with a new perspective as the great Teacher. He taught the people about the work of God in giving life. He calls loudly a command of faith and Lazarus, presumed to be dead, emerges from the darkness of the tomb, a sign of the life-giving work of God. The emotion of anger became the action that gives life.
Regulating our anger can happen through one more strategy. It may be the best for most situations. It is to pause after the arousal, the take-a-break moment that can change everything for the better. It gives the moment needed for to take our finger off the emotional trigger and allow the cognitive gears to start cranking. In the moments that we pause before speaking or acting, Brackett suggests we ask, “what would my best self do right now?” Through this we get in touch with our values and move forward to a better outcome. With the guy blowing his horn, we pause, take a breath, and change lanes to let him pass. A couple of minutes later we’ve forgotten all about it, arrive safely, and enjoy a kiss from the spouse at home. So much better, right?
Anger will always be with us as long as we live. Regulating it is the key to better wellbeing. We can divert or channel the anger for constructive actions when we interpreting the meaning of what is happening. This enable us to make good choices which leads us away from violence and escalating conflict. Your anger can be healthy.
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CITED
Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart. Random House, 2021.
Marc Brackett, Permission to Feel. Celadon Books, 2019.
Moshe Ratson, “The Value of Anger: 16 Reasons It’s Good to Get Angry.” www. Goodtherapy.org. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/value-of-anger-16-reasons-its-good-to-get-angry-0313175
Music by Ashot-Danielyan on pixabay.com