Would you ride a time machine with me? Let’s go back 40 years to the home of a young Baptist pastor and his wife. They are confused and seeking guidance on whether to move to another church. In Baptist life, that decision is individual, not ordered by church hierarchy. During the months of 1982 a parade of committees from other churches had interviewed the pastor. Long hours of conversations, prayers, and research had taken place. But, as December came, none of the conversations led to an offer to move. In Baptist terms, none of the several Pulpit Committees had invited the pastor to come “in view of a call” to their church. Okay, in the interest of transparency, this is my story of those long-ago days. And my wife and I were confused, seeking guidance about leaving our church in Beaver, Oklahoma. We were wrestling with a problem you’ve faced too: where do we turn for guidance in our choices?
Thanks for tuning in to this episode of TFJ. I’m Larry Payne, your host, seeking to explore better wellbeing through progressive Christian theology, psychology, science, and history. Let’s take a few minutes to look at the subject that was so important 40 years ago and still is a real question for your wellbeing today. Where can we find help in making our choices?
Since it’s December and Christmas stories are all around us, we find a story of guidance in the Bible account of the wise men who came to Bethlehem. They found guidance in an unusual way. The writer crafts the Gospel to fit the genre of the biographies of great men written at that time. In that genre, astrological signs are common. In the parable of the magi, we find just that. Astronomer Michael Molnar points out that the words used to describe the movements of the star in Matthew 2:11 are words used in astrological texts of the ancient world. These find meaning for us in how planets and stars move through the sky. In addition, he reconstructed how the stars would have appeared in 6BC. Basically, that spring, Jupiter and Saturn, signifying royalty, are in the zodiac house called Aries, which was connected to Israel, providing a unique message of a world ruler born in Judea. The writer of Matthew connects this fact with a story which, though probably not an actual historical event, conveys the clear message that Jesus is a greater ruler, the true king of Judea, above the Roman emperors and the local governor, Herod. Where did the wise men find guidance for their decisions? In the stars, of course.
What are the guiding influences we experience? Modern psychology brings out the importance of our family of origin. Many studies have connected the way children experience parents and the environment to provide models which guide us through life. Our parents and caregivers are the first sources of guidance. We learn how to relate to others, how to react to the world around us, or how to think about ourselves. For instance, if a father neglects or abandons a child, the memory of that trauma lingers as a negative guidance for years. The child may have difficulty as an adult forming secure and trusting relationships. Counselors try to assess how many bad things, known as Adverse Childhood Experiences, occurred in the formative years. Abuse, violence, neglect, or chaotic environments create a negative model that may guide life in the years to come. Tragically, about 25% of adult Americans report living through at least three of these adverse episodes and the negative consequences echo through life.
As life goes on, other guides emerge. Hopefully, many of these are positive influences. Perhaps a coach brings life lessons to a young athlete. A caring grandparent can create a loving environment for a young girl if parents don’t fill that role. A private in the military might look up to a commanding officer as a model to emulate. Those decades ago, I had mentors who believed God does provide answers when a person prays, meditate upon biblical teachings, evaluates the context, and listens to the Spirit within. That became my system of guidance as I sought direction for staying or leaving the county seat church I was serving.
Many advisors have expressed balancing multiple sources of guidance. A common paradigm is paying attention to experience, experts, and environments.
Let’s start with the environment of your decision. All of us live in a multi-layered context of family, work, culture, and society. Take Brittany, for example. She is white, 35, single, a teacher, living in Texas. To make a wise decision about dating Eric, a Black middle school principal, she must consider her social context. What input would her family make? Her school district superintendent? Her fundamentalist church pastor? Brittany will continue to live in these social contexts and must take into account how they would influence the success or failure of this relationship. The “Respect for Marriage Act,” signed into law by President Biden, is a statement of equality and the freedom to choose our most important relationships.
Another part of the paradigm is learning from experts. I use this term in a broad sense, meaning people of learning and wisdom. When faced with a decision, we need to become students and educate ourselves on the situation. Men, are you hearing me on this? Too many men operate on the “Lone Ranger” mentality, considering it weakness to consult other people. The result is too often shallow, uninformed decision-making. The better course is to seek out consultants that will give some insight. Thinking of Eric and Brittany, who could offer some wisdom? Perhaps there is a man he knows who is in an interracial marriage. Maybe he could seek out a counselor to look into his attachment style. He might also talk with the priest of his Catholic church. Frankly, all of us need the insight from multiple angles when we are considering choices of importance. These sources be vetted carefully. Honestly, the easiest sources may be the ones that are biased, slanted with misinformation, or uninformed. But keep looking and learning to find reliable help for your needs.
A final reference point in finding the guidance we need for decision-making is our own experience. I put this last, but it truly is pervasive within the other two factors. We can’t escape bringing our past experiences into the choices we make today. However, we can seek to understand our experience and how it influences us today. That means asking hard questions of our own thoughts, values, and impressions. Brittany’s parents sent her to an all-White academy in Georgia. So, is dating a black man the sign of her awakening that all races are equal, or is it to poke back at her parents for how they controlled her life? Eric will always make more money than Brittany, so is dating her a way to have patriarchal power at home, or let her quit teaching to pursue her passion of competing in triathlons? We should move away from simply “trusting our gut” to do honest and careful reflections on ourselves as the decision-maker. The more we dig into our values, attitudes, and biases, the more we can make a wise decision.
A theological perspective is worthwhile as we think about our experience, the third factor in finding guidance. Traditional Christian beliefs see God as possessing total power to determine all actions in the universe. Humans have no real freedom to decide their own future. I think a better perspective is presented in the Bible and in progressive theology. In Jesus we see God’s nature of love that is uncontrolling, noncoercive, and persuasive. Across all of 13 billion years of history, God expresses God’s nature and perfect love by working collaboratively with nature and conscious beings to persuade, not control, actions which may bring good, love, and beauty. God would violate God’s very nature by unilaterally controlling human choices or the actions of the natural world. Instead, God gives an initial aim that draws us toward God’s best outcome for the moment. Professor Richard Rice describes this theology as holding that the future is open, influenced by all beings, purposeful under God’s relentless love, yet not predetermined in each unfolding event (Rice, Future, p 29-30). This dynamic is visible in many places in the Bible, such as the conditional nature of the covenants with Israel, the invitation of Jesus for a disciple to “Follow me,” or the betrayal of Judas. Events of this moment are a collaboration of God, entities of the universe, and all conscious life interacting to create the future. You are not alone in the experiences of reflecting on life and deciding a course of action.
What about the stories we’ve followed of folks seeking guidance? Considering the three parts of the paradigm, Eric and Brittany can embrace the reality of decision-making understanding their environment, the experts they might learn from, and a deeper clarity of their experiences. They could join God as an active participant. They are not puppets on a divine string but collaborators with God to build a future of love and community.
What happened to that young pastor and his confusion about changing jobs? My wife and I would continue for 18 more months at the county seat church. I enrolled in a doctoral program and continued to put out inquiries. In time, a church in Lawton, Oklahoma expressed interest. We spent hours in conversation with the leaders, assessing what was needed there and what I could bring to the work. We consulted mentors and listened to the Spirit. We didn’t find a star to follow, an angel to guide, or perfect scores on the pro-and-con list. We did find peace within ourselves and confirmations from others to make a free choice. From that came four good years of ministry in a church that expanded our experiences and, perhaps, a small part of God’s work in the world.
Thanks for joining me today as we explored finding guidance in life choices. I hope that balancing your environment, your experts, and your experience will take you another step on the journey to wellbeing.
CITED
Diane Poole Heller, The Power of Attachment. Sounds True, 2019
“Adverse Childhood Experiences.” https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html
Richard Rice, The Future of Process Theology. Intervarsity Academic, 2020
Christopher Dwyer, “5 Barriers to Critical Thinking.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thoughts-thinking/201901/5-barriers-critical-thinking
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