Listen Up! Improving our listening skills

How good are we at listening to each other? Scientists have been listening for signals from aliens. Sadly, none have been received. In our relationships we give and receive signals every moment. Improving these skills are vital for well-being. This episode explores ways to improve our listening to build better relationships. We can “Listen Up” by: 
Focusing our attention
Letting go of our agenda
Paying attention to non-verbal signals
Spirituality involves listening by God and to God

Resources cited:

John Gottman and Joan DeClaire. The Relationship Cure. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2001.   

https://www.gottman.com

“Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence,” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Search_for_extraterrestrial_intelligence

Subscribe to this podcast for only $5 per month to get a monthly bonus episode, access to exclusive subscriber-only episodes, and the POSTINGS weekly newsletter on Substack with more resources for well-being!

Subscribe at https://tracksforthejourney.buzzsprout.com

Enjoy the Youtube Channel at https://www.youtube.com/@tracksforthejourney77 

Transcript

Are you listening? Some people are. Scientists are listening for signals from aliens. Way back in 1924, scientists listened for radio signals from Mars to indicate any life on the planet. Across the country, a "National Radio Silence Day" was promoted. For36 hours all radio stations stopped transmitting for five minutes on the hour, every hour. At the United States Naval Observatory, a special radio receiver attached to a huge dirigible was lifted 2 miles high.  The chief cryptographer of the U.S. Army was assigned to translate any messages from the Martians. For hours they listened but nothing came through the radio waves.

In the 1970’s Carl Sagan founded the Planetary Society to expand the campaign of listening for extraterrestrial life. Numerous observatories were enlisted to scan a wide range of radio frequencies. In the 50 years since that time, many government and private companies have poured millions into a high tech effort, scanning millions of wavelengths from hundreds of stars for any signals. We are listening, and listening, and listening, but, as of now, there is only a great silence.

Moving our attention closer to Earth, we know listening is important in all relationships. Let’s take a few minutes and focus on understanding it and finding out how we can do it better right here.

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist. His research into human relationships has improved life for millions of people. In his book, The Relationship Cure, he offers some great insights about listening. At the core of his findings is the truth that the people who engage in listening to others have the best life and relationships. Each time a person bids for our attention, with a word or gesture, we have the opportunity to connect and grow the relationship. The opposite is true also: the more times we disregard a bid for attention, the less the relationship can succeed. When we respond to a bid with active listening, a relationship can flourish.

How can we do this better?

First, we must tune in with our whole attention. The human brain has a limited attention capacity. Effective listening starts with focusing on the other person. That sounds easy, but it’s not in our normal world. We are surrounded by distractions, like the phone in our hand, the TV, or other people in the room. We’re also filled with internal distractions, like wondering what we will say next, or the memory of how we felt in the last conversation. Put those away and imagine your attention is like a spotlight on the forehead of the other person, concentrating on that special moment of the conversation.

Second, Gottman says we must let go of our own agenda. He says, “Listening requires instead that you let go of your desire to control the situation.” [201]. We do this far too often. Sometimes we’re just in a hurry. Other times the conversation is too emotional and we don’t want the burden of the others issues. We can even start trying to solve their problem with advice, which actually stymies the real connection between us. Just listen and let the other share according to their need. You’ll be amazed what you learn and how the relationship can grow.

Third, we should pay attention to the non-verbal signals. Listening also involves your eyes. Your brain is probably doing this but you’re not benefiting from it. You know instinctively when someone is angry long before they say anything at all. Research shows less than 10% of the communication is verbal. The majority is through the body language and facial expression. Turning to more subtle emotions, most of us need to raise our awareness of the non-verbal signals, then respond accordingly. Gottman says the answer is simple. “Skilled observation takes vigilance… you’ve got to be watching closely.” [178] Pay attention to the mouth, the eyebrows, and the body postures. Listen with your eyes to bring greater understanding.

A listening God is a cornerstone of faith. The Hebrew Bible writes that God heard the groaning of the Hebrew slaves in Egypt. The Psalmist celebrated God’s attention in … Jesus shared a parable about God’s comprehensive knowledge of our conditions, to know every hair on our head. It also should be said that a listening heart is the building block of faith. We can listen to God many ways. We can read holy Scripture with the question, “What does this mean for me?” We can join a learning community. We can meditate with a quiet mind open to an inner word. We can listen to music. We can walk along an outdoor path. In the book of Acts, Peter was taking a nap when a dream opened his mind to a new truth. Maybe that’s the channel I identify with the most! Just like our human connections, spirituality must be a two-way conversation.

As I mentioned, the radio telescopes are still waiting for a message from intelligent life on another planet. Maybe that’s okay. But in our relationships, we need to listen and listen again to build the relationships that promote our wellbeing.

CITED

John Gottman and Joan DeClaire. The Relationship Cure. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2001.   

https://www.gottman.com

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Search_for_extraterrestrial_intelligence