The Good Mood Clinic Podcast

95. A Schema Therapy Take on Defensiveness & How to Reduce it.

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 In today's episode, Gemma explores the impact of Defensiveness on relationships, its root causes, and practical steps to overcome it.

Key Points:

  1. Defensive Phrases:
    • Common examples: "It's not my fault," "You always," "You never," "You're overreacting."
    • Recognize these as signs of defensiveness.
  2. Impact on Relationships:
    • Defensiveness is a relationship killer, identified by John and Julie Gottman as one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
    • High levels of defensiveness can predict relationship breakup and divorce.
  3. Triggers and Responses:
    • Often triggered by low to medium-level criticisms or requests from a partner.
    • Immediate emotional responses include feelings of threat, anger, and injustice.
  4. Behavioral Patterns:
    • Refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing.
    • Redirecting blame or overly justifying actions.
    • Counterattacking or withdrawing.
  5. Underlying Causes:
    • Common schemas involved: defectiveness, emotional deprivation, mistrust, subjugation.
    • Often stems from childhood experiences with critical or narcissistic parents.
  6. Steps to Overcome Defensiveness:
    • Reflect on defensive incidents when calm.
    • Identify triggers and feelings.
    • Recognize the part of yourself you're defending.
    • Acknowledge and validate your vulnerable inner child.
    • Reassure the defensive part of you that you're now an adult and safe.
    • Practice responding calmly and reasonably.
  7. Practical Exercise:
    • Sit quietly and recall a recent defensive episode.
    • Identify your reaction and underlying feelings.
    • Visualize a conversation with your inner child and defender.
    • Reassure them and imagine a healthier response in future interactions.

Conclusion: Defensiveness is common but can be managed with self-awareness and compassionate inner dialogue. Reflect, identify trigg

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