122. The Catch-22 of Attraction: Why We Want Love but End Up with Distance

When your heart wants closeness but your “old map” keeps pulling you toward distance, you’re stuck in the Catch-22 of attraction. In this episode, Gemma explains how early schemas quietly shape who you’re drawn to, why “chemistry” so often points you toward the familiar (not the healthy), and what it takes to consciously rewrite your Love Template so you can choose emotionally available partners.

In this episode, you’ll learn

• What a schema is (quick primer) and why it’s more useful than attachment boxes
• How the Abandonment schema fuels anxious preoccupation, magical thinking, and self-fulfilling patterns
• Why Emotional Deprivation normalises giving a lot while rarely feeling seen or nurtured
• How Defectiveness/Shame covertly lowers your standards and tolerates poor treatment
• The role of Subjugation and Self-Sacrifice in silencing yourself early, then staying too long
• Why attraction isn’t random and how your Love Template (old map) picks partners for you on autopilot
• The Healthy Adult shift: moving from familiar chemistry to choosing steady, emotionally available partners

Key takeaways

• Attraction pulls toward what’s familiar, not necessarily what’s good.
• “I’ll just go with the flow” keeps you on autopilot; intentional dating rewrites the outcome.
• Knowledge is power BUT applied knowledge (with guidance) is transformation.
• Your patterns in romance often ripple into career, friendships, and self-worth, change one, and others shift.

Try this this week

1. Name your top 1–2 schemas you hear in this episode.
2. Write one “Healthy Adult” decision you’ll make before your next date (e.g., “If communication is inconsistent in the first 2 weeks, I’ll opt out kindly and early”).
3. List 3 signals of emotional availability you’ll move toward (e.g., follow-through, steady pace, repair after missteps).

Resources & next steps

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