Influential Introvert: Communication Coaching for Professionals with Performance Anxiety
The Influential Introvert: A podcast for professionals with performance anxiety. If you’re a business owner or leader who wants to speak confidently in front of a room, online, and in social situations without becoming a sweaty, stressed out mess, follow this show.
Learn the essential verbal and non-verbal skills necessary to elevate your presence and charisma and capture people’s attention. Equally important, you’ll learn to manage your mind and body so you feel less anxious and more confident speaking up, being decisive, and connecting with others.
Influential Introvert: Communication Coaching for Professionals with Performance Anxiety
The Ultimate Comeback: How to Respond to Insults
We’ve all had those moments where an insult or offhand comment sticks in our head. Hours later, we’re still replaying it, wishing we’d come up with the perfect comeback. But what if the strongest response isn’t a clever line at all?
In this episode, I explore what the Stoics – and even a surprising scene from Gladiator 2 – can teach us about handling insults and keeping our peace of mind. You’ll hear:
- Why chasing the “upper hand” keeps us stuck.
- How Epictetus, a former slave turned philosopher, framed the danger of being ruled by our emotions.
- A personal story about how even a small, everyday slight can get under our skin – and what to do about it.
- Practical tools to stay grounded when you feel like punching someone.
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I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.
As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.
If you're ready to have conversations that open doors – in your career, your relationships, and your life – let’s talk.
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Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot?
I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.
Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.
Putting people in their place is often held up as the strong way to respond to an insult. After all, if you say nothing, you're a doormat, if you walk away, you're weak. But often the opposite is true. On a recent flight I was watching Gladiator 2. Lucius the hero is in the arena and he is chained and fighting for his life. A Wizard of Oz-type monkey pounces on him. He is horrific. He has really sharp, bloody teeth and to survive Lucius sinks his own teeth into this creature's arm and the crowd roars. Later his fellow gladiator slaves mock him with monkey sounds and they're looking at his face waiting for Lucius to explode. But Lucius doesn't take the bait. In fact he laughs along with them, and as I'm watching this movie I'm thinking that's an interesting response. Most guys in a movie like this would have started punching these other men and I should have realized then that Lucius turns out to be Marcus Aurelius's grandson. Of course this is a made-up story, but I loved that bit of foreshadowing a glimpse of stoic character in action.
Speaker 1:There is endless advice out there about crafting the perfect comeback and how to respond to insults, and a lot of it seems rooted in anger, passive aggressiveness and trying to win, trying to hurt the other person because we are so obsessed about what they think of us. The Stoics trained themselves to rise above insults and to care more about what they believed about themselves than someone else's opinion, and modern science confirms this is the emotionally healthy way to respond to situations. 2,000 years ago, epictetus put it this way to his students, and he was teaching Rome's elite young men at the time. Imagine someone sold your body into slavery. Of course you'd be outraged, and yet you willingly give away your freedom of mind to people you feel have insulted you. Aren't you ashamed of this? Epictetus is a literal slave-turned-Stoic philosopher, and he was teaching Rome's elite young men that being a slave to your emotions is worse than being a slave in body. That is exactly what we see with Lucius. He wasn't putting on a brave face to try and look unbothered to these other men. He was actively choosing not to be bothered. All their external noise didn't affect his character, so it meant nothing to him. Now, that is strength, as Marcus's pretend grandson in the movie reminds us.
Speaker 1:The ultimate comeback isn't a clever line or making someone else feel small. It's refusing to hand over your peace of mind. This isn't easy. It takes practice and it's also the path to emotional freedom. Most of us aren't fighting in arenas, but the same principle applies to everyday slights. When someone insults us, our body reacts as if we are under threat. The heart speeds up, cortisol rises, muscles tighten. Without flexibility, we can get stuck in that state, shut down emotionally or keep replaying what we wish we had said. This happens to all of us. We are not saints or sages, and sometimes our practices fall short of our principles.
Speaker 1:In fact, I found myself in this situation the other day. I was strolling around San Gay Village cappuccino in hand, and to get to the beach I cut through two apartment buildings, but I took the wrong path and I hit a small wall. Apartment buildings, but I took the wrong path and I hit a small wall. So I turn back and I see a man working on one of the buildings and I joke around like oh, looks like I'm trapped, and then he glares at me and says this is private property. Oh sorry, I say, and I walk away. Now this is a pretty banal exchange that should have been easily forgotten, but as I walked onto the beach I felt agitated. Why did I apologize to that guy? We could have had a pleasant exchange and instead he acted like I killed someone. What was his problem? And he didn't even insult me in an obvious way, but I felt insulted.
Speaker 1:Here is what helps calm me down in situations like this. One pause before reacting. Take a breath, let your nervous system catch up. Two, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and name it. For example, I notice I'm feeling angry, I'm breathing faster, and just let this emotion move through you rather than letting it drive you. So process that emotion. And three, choose to respond in a way that's in line with your values. I call this choosing integrity over impulse. Psychologists call it psychological flexibility the ability to notice what's happening inside you. Make space for the feeling instead of allowing it to take over, and choose a response that serves you and the situation.
Speaker 1:Once your nervous system has calmed down, get curious. Imagine someone saying nice shirt. You might hear it as a dig, but is it? Maybe they were just making small talk? Maybe you were just feeling insecure that day anyway and were looking for confirmation. Getting curious is not about lying to yourself. It's about making space for alternative explanations and choosing the one that's most useful to you. That shift, questioning your judgment instead of jumping to defend yourself is what keeps you free.
Speaker 1:Socrates taught that people don't choose to do wrong on purpose. They either know what's right and act on it, or they're ignorant and act from that ignorance. Either way, they believe they're doing the right thing. So ask yourself what might be behind this other person's behavior. Are they stressed, insecure, distracted, simply misinformed? Is there a chance they're right or that part of what they're saying is true, like me, trespassing on private property? If not, make peace with the fact that the world is full of opinions you can't control. Also, get curious about the person doing the insulting.
Speaker 1:If this is a real relationship that you want to repair or nurture, your next move is going to look different than if you're dealing with a stranger. So ask yourself how important is this relationship to you? Do you even know them? How much will you be thinking about this person next you? Do you even know them? How much will you be thinking about this person next week? Do you respect them?
Speaker 1:As the Stoics say, what matters is living in alignment with your values, not giving your time and mental energy to people who you don't even want to be like, believe it or not. The Stoics could be funny and they like to use humor to diffuse insults. So if someone says nice shirt and you're not sure if it's a compliment or a jab, instead of reacting on impulse, a Stoic might pause, regulate and then choose a chill response like thank you, I love it. Or they might make a joke. You should have seen what I had on yesterday. So when you're in conversation with other people, ask yourself what response reflects the kind of person I want to be, Because what we do says everything about who we are.
Speaker 1:Again, this is not the easy path. This is a harder thing to do. The simple thing is to try to insult people back, to let our anger just rage through us, and some people even say they feel pleasure when they're angry and yelling at somebody else. But that short-term pleasure does not lead to long-term life satisfaction and it's certainly not helping us show up as our highest selves. Like most people, I still sometimes have revenge fantasies. A cutting remark will pop into my mind, but then I take a step back and get clear about the intention of my words and if what's floating through my mind, if those words are meant to harm the other person, if I actually said them. That realization is enough to snap me back into my values, because I don't want my intent to be to hurt someone else. That's not the kind of energy I want to put out into this world, and this is why Marcus Aurelius wrote what later became known as his meditations.
Speaker 1:Aurelius wrote what later became known as his meditations. This was his personal journal, not meant for publication. His life was filled with stress, plague, civil war, foreign invasions, backstabbing. He had plenty of insults thrown his way. Writing in his private journal gave him space to step back, examine his thoughts and actions and remind himself of the kind of man and emperor he wanted to be. This practice built his psychological flexibility so that even in the darkest times, he could manage whatever came his way. As he put it, the best revenge is not to be like your enemy.