In this episode of My Inner Torch I explore the concept of a “Kangaroo Court of the Cluster B,” in our relationships. This is a court where we are constantly blamed and convicted for any issues or faults in the relationship. I discuss reactive abuse, where the Cluster B manipulates reactions to portray themselves as victims. I also emphasize how individuals with Cluster B personality disorders manipulate and provoke reactions from their partners, recording responses and using them against their partners. See if this episode resonates with your relationship.
In this episode of My Inner Torch I explore the concept of a “Kangaroo Court of the Cluster B,” in our relationships. This is a court where we are constantly blamed and convicted for any issues or faults in the relationship. I discuss reactive abuse, where the Cluster B manipulates reactions to portray themselves as victims. I also emphasize how individuals with Cluster B personality disorders manipulate and provoke reactions from their partners, recording responses and using them against their partners. See if this episode resonates with your relationship.
I should have called this podcast, The Deck is stacked against you. Because in the world of a cluster b, you are in a continuous kangaroo court. Maria Consiglio puts it best when she says that they always use your reactions against you. And here are some examples how a cluster b initiates reactions to use against you. It's called reactive abuse. And I've talked about this in some previous podcasts that, you know, we get to the point where we get angry because we're human and we react.
We break out of our shell of tolerance against these people, and we finally say enough is enough or we threaten that we're going to leave them, or we're going to end the relationship. And then frequently, what happens with a lot of cluster b's is that they go into the pleading stage. Then all of a sudden they're the victim. Now you're the bad person, the bad wolf in the picture. Now that hasn't happened to me and my wife who I suspect is a covert narcissist would probably knee jerk into if I said to her I'm leaving the relationship, we're going to get a divorce. She would agree to it. She would say, okay. No worries.
We're good to go. That's the type of person she is. But a lot of cluster b's, they go into the wine mode. They go into the victim mode, the the Darvo mode, where they reverse everything and make it look like you're the one who's the perpetrator. So Maria Consiglio, you know I'm a big fan of hers, talks about how cluster b's always use your reactions against you. It's the kangaroo court of the cluster b. You will always be found guilty of anything that is wrong in the relationship.
Anything that happens. You are the source. You are the root. And we joke about this in my marriage. The 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon that somehow, someway, every conversation that may be talking about somebody else doing something, inadvertently comes back to me. Somebody spends too much money. Well, you know, you spend too much money.
Somebody does something. Well, you do that something. And I kind of it's become a running joke with my wife. But when you think about it, it's kind of hidden abuse because joking about it doesn't make it right. And I will joke with my wife to sort of deflect it because inadvertently, we can be having a conversation about somebody else, and somehow, some way, I behave the same way. Well, you know, you do that. No. I don't.
And why are you drawing me into this line of fire? So how do they get a reaction against you? Well, they passive aggressively do things in a very calm manner that they know is bothersome to you. Then, when you finally react in a harsh way because you know exactly what they're doing and what their real intentions are, you are the one that ends up looking bad because of the harsh reaction they actually initiated. And this will happen when you end the relationship. They did nothing wrong. They were the consummate victim.
You're the horrible person. You're the villain. You're the perpetrator. They had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup of your relationship or they broke up with you because you're a bad person.
Oh my gosh. Look at him. That's the smear campaign. So you get it on the front end and you also get it on the back end. They will initiate a fight and say the most horrible things to you and then when you actually fight back to defend yourself, that's jade mode, they record you and only show your reaction to the counselor, family, or friends, and or, oh, yeah, the courts. So they set you up. It's the kangaroo court of the cluster b, and we fall for it, And then we feel bad.
When we experience reactive abuse, when we are sort of standing up for ourselves, we feel like, oh, gosh. We're abusing our cluster b. And therefore, we need to be held accountable. That's just wrong. But it's that vicious cycle. It's the narcissistic covert cycle of abuse. They take only part of your reaction to something to make it real, and then they twist what you said or spin the conversation to make you look like you were doing or saying something you were not.
This is classic. They will take things out of context, and they will put it together in a monologue of things that you've said or done in one instance. This may span several years, but it will be recent to them. The kangaroo court of the cluster b, you are guilty even if you are innocent to push their motives forward. And then finally, they've been abusing you for years. And when you finally decide to leave, and we talked about this, they play the victim and tell your friends, family, and your own children how you how you have abandoned them. These are only a few examples of how cluster b's manipulate and use your reactions against you.
Thank you again, Maria Consiglio. You make a lot of sense. It resonates with me, and I hope that it resonates with you.
We we don't wanna give up. This is our problem. This is our cross to bear. For some unearthly reason, there are some of us out there, including me, who are veterans of these relationships. And folks, it's not a medal that I wear with pride. It's not a medal of shame because as I've said in previous podcasts, if I hadn't encountered my wife, I would probably be going through numerous cycles of covert narcissistic relationships, cluster b relationships. We seem to be magnets to these people, to people around us who want to take advantage of our good nature.
Because inherently, we are good people, and we have good intentions. But these people take advantage of that. And I think recognizing that is difficult for us. It's it's almost a a moniker of shame. How can we be so vulnerable? How can we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of? But until we actually mature in these relationships and we accept the fact that these are weaknesses, these are weaknesses and flaws in our own personality.
We are not absolved of guilt or participation in these relationships. I'm not going to sit here and tell you over a 180 podcasts that I'm a victim. I'm not gonna break down and cry and say I can't believe my wife is such a bad person. How can she be such a bad person? Because I've allowed her to be. I have been part and parcel of this relationship for 23 years. What does that say about me?
And that's what I ask you. Yeah. It hurts. It's sad. I live with that sadness every day that this relationship is not nowhere close to the kind of relationship I would want or I would imagine to have. But it is what I have. And I have actively and continue to participate in this dysfunctional, dysregulated, and disordered relationship.
I am half of the total sum. Folks, you've got to take responsibility for that. That is the first step in healing yourself. You have to take responsibility. It's hard. Believe me. I sometimes think about, did I waste all of this time?
Well, some of us learn slower than others. And I'm very grateful for this opportunity to tell you and to help you and perhaps guide you to discovering who you truly are and maybe seeing that there is a better way. There's a better path. There's a a smoother journey. And maybe opening your eyes and your consciousness that there are better people out there. People that are not gonna hurt us. People that won't take advantage of us.
But yet so many of us, including me, stay in these relationships, support these relationships emotionally, financially, and therefore, we don't have room to complain. Yes. Obviously, I'm not an armchair quarterback to tell you to get up and leave tomorrow. We all have extenuating circumstances, including myself. But there has to be healing, and there has to be a plan b. Okay? There has to be.
Because, otherwise, we just well, we're just waiting to die. If you hadn't have an op if you haven't had an opportunity to listen to that podcast, that to me resonates. That podcast really resonates with me because that's essentially what we're waiting to do when we remain in these relationships. We are essentially waiting for our lives to end. And I hate to say it, but for me personally, that's disappointing, and it's pathetic. New episodes uploaded each and every Friday at 10 AM Eastern Standard Time.
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