End of the Line? Where to now?

What happens when you reach the end of your line, your tolerance, your desire to remain in a relationship with your Cluster B?

I explore this idea and feeling as it relates to my 23 year relationship with my Cluster B in this podcast of My Inner Torch.

Transcript

What do we do when we get to the end of the line? And what I mean by that is, what do we do when we get to the end of our line? What happens when our cluster b finally crosses that proverbial line and we decide we've had enough? We spend way too much time waiting for them to get to the end of their line. And then somehow, some way, we want them back. We always want something we can't have. I've talked about this in countless podcasts that we want the person that we thought they were.

We so desperately want them to go back in time and present themselves in the love bombing, sex bombing persona that they embraced when they were trying to draw us into their emotional orbit. How do we get over a cluster b? How do we finally accept that we are at the end of our line and we're going to do something about it. And that pertains to me too. I've been in this relationship for over 23 years now.

I've been married for 22. To somebody who I suspect strongly is a covert narcissist. Somebody who doesn't see me. Somebody who manipulates me. Somebody who future fakes me even to this very day. The only difference is now, I've become cognizant. I've become sentient. I've become aware of these tactics.

So how do we get over a cluster b? Is there life after the cluster b? And the answer is an affirmative yes.

There is life. I know you probably cannot even imagine not being with your cluster b because they're just so darn wonderful.

Well, they're not. That's why you're listening to this podcast. You are seeking answers. You are seeking validation. So don't tell me that they're perfect people because they're not. Nobody's perfect. But when it comes to relationships with a cluster b, they fail miserably at providing the very basics of what we should have.

So how do we get over a cluster b? You have to go no contact. And I know the idea of us not having contact with our cluster b is unfathomable. We can't imagine not texting them. We can't imagine not talking to them. We can't imagine not seeing them. We can't imagine not eating some of those very small bread crumbs that they throw out.

But you have to go no contact because you're in such a fragile state of of mind and you're in such a trauma bond that invariably, if you have contact with them and you tell them, look I'm done, I'm out of here, I'm starting my life anew, well you're not gonna do it. Because as long as you maintain contact with them, well that ain't gonna happen. You also have to anticipate potential manipulation. They're going to potentially try to draw you back. I can safely say that I believe when I exit the line with my wife that I don't think she's gonna make a play. She'll be probably pretty darn nasty. She'll probably launch an incredible smear campaign within the family and that's to be anticipated.

But I don't think that she is going to try in any shape or form to bring me back. I don't anticipate that. But you do need to anticipate potential manipulation from your cluster b. You also to get over people, you need to kind of reinvent yourself and you need to try to reconnect with your old persona. Not the vulnerable persona, but the persona that had hobbies and passions in life that perhaps have been suppressed during your relationship. Maybe you need to write down reasons for ending the relationship. Maybe you need to look at those, you need to refer back to them.

You need to say, yes, this is why I did it. And this is why I will continue to stay away. This is why I will continue the finality of this relationship. I will move forward and start my life over again. You need to surround yourself with the right support. Support groups, therapists who specialize in cluster b abuse. They are hard to find.

A licensed social worker is not somebody who can necessarily help you with the tools that you need to be able to keep moving forward and not fall back, not relapse back into an abusive relationship. Ensure you have a good lawyer. If you are married and going through a divorce, you will need a lawyer. You can't be pro se, you can't represent yourself with a cluster b. They will hand you your lunch because then it becomes rage on behalf of the cluster b. They want to put you 6 feet under. They wanna bankrupt you.

They wanna drag you through the courts. They wanna make life very, very difficult for you.

Some people call it narcissistic rage. If it pertains to a narcissist in your life, but it could be borderline rage. It could be cluster b rage. It doesn't matter. Store some belongings or mementos that are important to you, but not necessarily reflect on your current abusive relationship. You're gonna have to put that to rest. And I know for some of us, it's unfathomable to think about, as I said at the beginning of my podcast, not being with your cluster b, they they become familiar.

You become so so kind of enmeshed in their lives, in their drama that becomes your drama. That you can't even imagine a day without dealing with them, without trying to rescue them from their own demons. So store some belongings or mementos that are important to you that they may take when you break off the relationship and hold it hostage or destroy it. Be mindful of tendencies to rationalize. That's really important because you're gonna start thinking, well, they weren't that bad. Especially when you have distance and you let the dust settle, you may look at them and start to think, well, you know what? If I went back, it wouldn't be that bad.

It would probably be better. We could work on our relationship. I broke it. Now we have a new path that we're gonna take folks. It's not going to happen that way. If you go back, it's not gonna be any different. There might be a small, very minute renaissance period because they've achieved victory.

They've brought you back into their emotional orbit and then they'll go back to being who they were because that's who they are. So, yeah, don't don't don't do that. Don't start to rationalize their behaviors and compare their behaviors to other people. Don't rush into another relationship. Don't try to plug the gap between them and somebody else. And then worse yet, you're not fair to that new person you have a relationship with. Chances are they might be another cluster b, and then you're gonna be like, well, gosh, I'm gonna go back to that person because well, they were they weren't that bad.

Accept them for who they are. Try to build more self love and self kindness. This is really about you. You spend so much time thinking about them. You've reached the end of the line, folks. This is the end of your line. Your line of tolerance.

Your line of being. So now you need to really kinda love yourself. And I know people will say, well, gosh that means I'm a narcissist. See, I'm the narcissist in the relationship. Self love is not narcissism. Self love and self esteem are very essential to our emotional well beings. Allow yourself to grieve. It's okay.

It's okay to be upset. Sure. You've just ended a relationship or a relationship has just come to a dramatic close. And sure, there is a mourning period. There has to be a mourning period. You have to come to terms with yourself. You have to accept that it's over and not rationalize that maybe it's over for just a couple of months, maybe just a couple of weeks. It's over.

There has to be finality to it. Be very mindful to moving on too quickly. I said that before and I'm gonna say it again. A lot of us feel like, well, we have to bridge the gap. We have to fill in the gap now. Or worse yet, we need to show our cluster b. Well, gosh.

Just look at me. I'm in another relationship. Well, that doesn't work. And that's not fair to the person you're in a quasi relationship with. And that's not fair to you. And the cluster b doesn't care. Yeah. They might get jealous.

But then it just becomes a match with who can outdo who. Don't move on too quickly. You're not ready for another relationship. It's okay to be lonely for a little while, to be with yourself, to sort yourself out and not run into another relationship, because chances are you will run right into the arms of another cluster b. And the cycle will repeat itself and you'll be sitting there going, how did that happen? It happened because you weren't over with the original relationship and you're bridging the gap.

Join a support group. There are lots of groups out there both virtually and in person. There's no shame in being a survivor of one of these relationships. Okay? There's no shame in it. You can be with other like minded people and you can learn from their experiences as they can learn from you. There's no shame in it.

We have to come out of the shadows. We have to be a community of survivors that we can help other people through our experiences like mine and yours, we can spread that knowledge so that other people don't fall victim to these types of relationships. I can't emphasize that enough. That is primarily why I do this podcast. And I've done this podcast for almost 4 years. It's a public service announcement. It's a warning.

It's a comeuppance. It's a moment of clarity for you to recognize you're not alone. You're not crazy. And that people out there like that do exist. And stay connected with online support like podcasts of my inner torch. Okay? Be connected.

Be part of our community. And I appreciate your being part of this community. I appreciate your emails to my inner torch atgmail. com. No shame in it. A lot of people write and say, hey, you know what?

Don't talk about my email. That's fine. That's okay. If you feel like you wanna just vent, if you just want to put words on a screen, no more pen to paper anymore, but words on a screen, it's very cathartic. It's very helpful for you to express yourself. It's part of the healing process. I appreciate your time.

I appreciate your input, and I appreciate your being part of the my inner torch community. New episodes uploaded each and every Friday at 10 AM Eastern Standard Time. To you, I say be well, and in whatever you do, be good. This has been my inner torch.