155 The Shadow Side of Love: Why you Self Sabotage with Junie Moon

Are you ready to stop self-sabotaging in your relationships and start embracing self-love?

Join us as I chat with Junie Moon, the inspiring CEO of Midlife Love Out Loud, who shares her personal journey from the stage to empowering midlife women. Discover her transformative path of healing relationships, beginning with her touching story about her evolving bond with her mother. With a focus on balancing personal joy with professional responsibilities, Junie reveals how taking breaks and practicing self-awareness are key to a fulfilling life.

Curious about why we struggle with people-pleasing and setting boundaries? This episode will shed light on how our childhood experiences shape our adult behaviors and the importance of shadow work for personal growth. Listen in as Junie and I discuss the practical steps to identify and heal deeply rooted patterns that may be holding you back. Plus, learn about a special love quiz designed to help women in the second half of life understand their readiness for relationships and uncover their unique superpowers. This conversation is a must-listen for anyone looking to reclaim lost parts of themselves and develop healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Connect with Junie: https://midlifeloveoutloud.com/

Take the LOVE quiz https://midlifeloveoutloud.com/quiz/

I’m Carol Clegg, your host, an accountability coach and curious conversationalist inviting guests from a wide range of backgrounds to share insights on how they live, think, and navigate change.

Here, we explore:

• living with intention and self-trust
 • alternative ways of thinking and being
 • creativity, purpose, and personal growth

If you enjoy reflection, fresh perspectives, and honest dialogue, this space is for you.

If you’d like to experience this work in community, I host a complimentary monthly Accountability Circle  a supportive space to pause, gain clarity, and choose a gentle next step forward. More info at https://carolclegg.com/accountabilitycircle

For those ready for deeper, more consistent support, I also offer a 90-day Accountability Package, designed to help you move from scattered ideas to steady, sustainable momentum.

You can learn more at carolclegg.com

Let’s connect on LinkedIn and Instagram, or join my LinkedIn Group Flourish: A Community for Women Business Owners

Transcript

Healing Your Heart

Speaker 1 0:00

Well, hello and welcome to Connect, inspire Create. I'm your host, carol Clegg, a progress and mindset business coach, here to help you thrive and flourish and turn those challenges into opportunities for growth. I'm so pleased you're here. Join me for the discussions that I hope will not only encourage you but also provide the dose of inspiration that you might just need today. This podcast is all about giving you your weekly dose of practical strategies, motivation and insightful conversations designed to boost your business skills, personal growth and happiness. So, whether you're looking to find balance, say goodbye to procrastination, or just in need of a friendly nudge towards your goals, remember we're all on this journey together. So grab your favorite cup of something, be it coffee, tea or something else, and let's dive into this conversation today.

Speaker 1 1:12

Well, welcome everybody to the next episode of Connect, inspire Create. Today, our conversation is going to focus on healing journeys and healing your heart, and part of that focus is going to be on the shadow side of love why you self-sabotage and how to stop it. And I'm joined by my guest, junie Moon, ceo of Midlife Love Out Loud. She is a global love mentor, international best-selling author, award-winning speaker, woman's empowerment leader and a certified shadow work coach, which we're going to uncover a little more about that for those that want to know more about shadow work. So Junie has supported thousands of women over the past 30 years to claim what is their birthright the freedom to be and love themselves without apology. So welcome, jeannie.

Speaker 2 2:06

Thanks for joining me. Thank you for having me. This is exciting. That absolutely.

Speaker 1 2:12

So, before we dig into all these wonderful topics and ideas and, just as you shared, the importance of love is so much more than just a relationship I'd love to ask you some fun things about yourself. So are there?

Speaker 2 2:24

three fun things you could share with our audience. Oh, it's just like an open question of something fun, whatever comes to mind that you'd like to share about yourself.

Speaker 2 2:34

All right. Well, there's a lot of fun stuff in my world. That's good. Let's start with, since I was a kid, I was an actress and I went into being a professional actress and then I shifted gears when I was 26,. But I've always been an actress and I just got into a play because I wanted to have more fun in my life. So I am in a play in New York City, at it in a theater festival. So that's kind of fun. That is Congratulations. That sounds wonderful, thank you, thank you, and I'm going to Dave Matthews tonight. It's fun. I'm having a summer. I am like I love my business, I love what I do and I want to have a summer of fun and friends and dancing and lots of stuff. So lots of fun stuff coming up.

Speaker 1 3:21

That sounds wonderful and that's a good note for others. You know that you've got to give yourself a break somewhere in the year, so pick your season, pick when you know when that works. But you've got to take some time out. I just did a solo retreat for myself in Florida. I thought I need some ocean time and just took three days off with no agenda and it was so refreshing and so much fun.

Speaker 2 3:41

So it was so important, especially when we're running our businesses. We need to have some balance, and I love that, those days that are unscheduled, where I just get to really ask myself how do I fill up my own cup and what's going to bring me the most joy, because then I can show up not only for myself and feel great physically body, mind and spirit but to be able to give even more to my clients.

Speaker 1 4:05

Absolutely, absolutely. So I have one more question for you, and that could be immediate or something in the past, but who has been the kindest to you? Who comes to mind?

Speaker 2 4:17

Oh, my God, wow, my heart just was like oh, who has been the kindest? Oh, my goodness. Well, let me just say I've been so blessed. I've been so blessed with so many kind people, so many loving people in my life. And the first person and it's a shocker to me, to be really honest, it took a while to be able to get, to be able to say this is my mom. Because most of my life I was like oh, she drives me nuts and she is the most giving, loving, kind person, patient person. And trust me, this was not the way it was years ago. She's changed. I've changed. Because of the work, the shadow work that I've done, because of my healing, we have been able to create something so beautiful and it's soft, it's gentle, it's loving and it's certainly kind yeah, so I would say my mom, that's beautiful and it's soft, it's gentle, it's loving and it's certainly kind. Yeah, that's how I would say my mom.

Speaker 1 5:07

That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.

Speaker 2 5:11

Yeah, what a great way to kick off the interview.

Uncovering Shadow Work for Personal Growth

Speaker 1 5:14

Absolutely so. Now we're talking about this shadow side of love and self-sabotage and how to stop it, and we get to talk about your shadow work and the techniques that you use. But why do you think that people do struggle in this? When we talk about these healthy relationships and the next level of love, what gets in their way?

Speaker 2 5:36

Yeah, and that's like the biggest thing I hear people say is I just don't understand. Why do I say these things? Why am I still sabotaging these relationships by behaving in certain ways or attracting a certain type of person into my life? I work with a lot of single women in the second half of life and they're like everybody looks different, but they end up being the same. It's like what is that about? And so there are these blind spots. We all have them. We all have them and even as we do our inner work, more will be revealed as we move forward.

Speaker 2 6:08

And these blind spots come from all the experiences we've had in our past. We've had these full, rich lives with so many different experiences, and everything that's happened in our life has given us information on did it feel good? Did it not feel good? Am I safe? Am I not safe?

Speaker 2 6:29

And in the body of shadow work that I've been trained in, we say that there's this part of us called the risk manager, and this part has been online since we were born and it's watching and learning. And then, when it sees that, to keep us from feeling like we're not loved, feeling like you know we don't matter, feeling like we're going to be alone, any of those things that are like, ah, you know, painful. And what happens then is we then create these shadows, these these blind spots, that we start acting in certain ways because this part is kind of going well, we don't want that to happen, so let's just have her push that guy away, or let's just have her blow up her business, or whatever it is, because somewhere in the unconscious realm, which is 95% of our brain, it's running us and so we sabotage the very things we want because of the old programming.

Speaker 1 7:47

Yeah, I've heard that the self-sabotaging, and just it's how detrimental it is. Because we do it, you explode and then you think, oh my goodness, it's too late. So you know, I mean you talk about woman being or we woman being our worst enemy and sabotaging ourselves. Is there a method, is there a starting baby step with this self-sabotage that we can move into, away from it? Yeah, well, and peel the onion layers, I suppose maybe and exactly that's what it is.

Speaker 2 8:23

I mean, it really is pulling back the curtains, you know, peeling back the onion and kind of getting to the core of what it is, and it does take time, and the first step really is just being aware that something it doesn't feel good Like to like. Just stop right now Everybody that's watching and listening just to stop right now and ask yourself what's going on in your life that isn't in alignment with how you want to be. What's not working? What has a price that you're paying that doesn't feel good, whether it's how you treat your body. Maybe you're eating foods that you're like you're wanting to get your health back, but you find yourself eating crap. Or maybe you want to call in a partner which is my specialty and and yet you're not putting yourself out there. Or you have a lot of beliefs. Of all, men suck and why bother? Or I'm too old, who's going to want me?

Speaker 2 9:14

So start with what's not working, you know. Start with what you want, of course, and what's not working, and and just be aware that something is happening that's creating this reality. And that comes back to what I said before, which is 95% of your brain, all of our brains, is unconscious and that's where all the stored memory is. And I want to add one more thing, just to take some of the shame off of of why am I not further down the line? And I've invested all this money in health coaches, or, you know, love coaches, like therapy why isn't it working?

Speaker 2 9:53

And the challenge that I see is that most practitioners, therapists, all the different modalities that are out there, very few go beyond the conscious mind. Most are just like let's identify what's going on. Oh, your mother was this way, your father was this way, oh, you had some kind of loss or abuse. And all these things are really important to know, to notice, to understand, but that doesn't change what's underneath, which is oh my God, I don't want to have that pain again. And so we have to pull back the covers and kind of go okay, now we understand why we do what we do. Let's do some shadow work, let's do some healing and let's get some transformation that actually sticks.

Speaker 1 10:44

Right, I was just going to, because the first thing that came to mind when you said you've got to do the work, you've got to do the work. I mean it's already, as you said, this awareness in the big picture, we can be aware, but then it's that frustration. Awareness in the big picture, we can be aware, but then it's that frustration, as you said, because nothing's changing. Yeah, but awareness is not enough.

Speaker 2 11:02

No, but it is important. A lot of people walk around and they are just attached to their stories, attached to their beliefs, and they just like, well, this is the way it is and it's not going to get any better. And yep, they're absolutely right, because that's their story and they're sticking to it. And for those that are here because you are offering so many great topics and they're open to learning and growing for your population, it's important to go okay, well, I've read the books and I've done a lot, and there's more.

Speaker 1 11:35

Right, there's always more and you can rewrite the story Absolutely and. I guess that's what you're doing to help with working through the shadow work, so that and when you said I think we've kind of covered the shadow comes from way back, way back. But we said that all people have this they can choose whether they want to move in this area and to work on it. Is it always painful or are there parts of it that? Yeah, because some people are going to have fear to want to step into that area.

Speaker 2 12:09

Okay, yeah, there's a lot there. Okay, firstly, let me just say that we need to talk about what shadow is first. I'm going to put that aside for a second, but we need to talk about what shadow is. But even just the word shadow, it's like you know it's, you know it's in the dark, it's scary. I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 2 12:25

In the 95% of my unconscious mind, I always say that it's way more scary and uncomfortable and painful to not look at it. What you don't know is running your life. What you don't know is having you do things and act in different ways, putting your life force and your energy into your business, into your relationships, into your families, and there's drama and there are things that just break down. That is frigging painful. So when people say, oh, it sounds really painful and scary, I'm like it's nowhere near as painful as the life that you're living. So let's just say that right there. And what I will also say is, when we start doing this type of work, people find so much relief, they find more energy, they find more empowerment, they find more confidence and healthy boundaries and the ability to love themselves beyond anything they could have imagined. So when people say, wow, this sounds really scary. I always say it's way more scary to not know the monster under the bed.

Speaker 2 13:31

Look, under the frigging bed and you'll go oh, it's not so scary after all.

Speaker 1 13:37

I must say, jeannie, I think that you know that what you just shared, now to embrace and discover and then unwrap. I mean even what you shared right in the beginning about the kindness and bringing your mom and saying you know, we're having uncovered some layers. Look at the gift.

Speaker 2 13:52

Absolutely so many gifts, so many gifts. And you know, for 47 years of my life I'm 60 now for 47 years of my life, that woman drove me nuts. I mean, I tried to avoid her like the plague, and if it was a holiday I'm like counting the hours. When do I get out of here? And then I did some of this deep dive work and it shifted my relationship inside of me to be able to see her differently, to behave differently, to be a different person. And so let me share what shadow is, because we're kind of.

Embracing Shadow Work for Personal Growth

Speaker 2 14:27

We're talking about all of this and it's like, well, what exactly is this and how did how did this happen? So we're talking about blind spots, we're talking about programming and so, yes, most of our beliefs and our foundational shadows, if you will, were created like in the first seven years of our life. We were sponges back then because we were vulnerable, we needed our parents, we needed to survive. So, you know, if we found, if, let's just say you, you, you took a toy from from your, your sibling and one of your parents, your mother maybe, was in the room and said that is very selfish young lady, with a tone Well, you know, you don't have the ability at it as a young child, to go, oh, mom's must, must be having a bad day, or, oh, that wasn't so bad. You are just getting the impact of a mad mom. So now you're sensing a lack of love, which is terrifying for a child, not consciously, but whoa? And getting a message that you're selfish, that's bad. And if you're selfish, young lady, that's bad. And so we're not making this. You know, we're not connecting the dots as a three-year-old, five-year-old, 10-year-old. However, it's going inside of us as information and so that risk manager says hmm, being selfish is not okay and that has a high price to pay. So never take anything from anyone, never ask to get your needs met. You just be a nice little girl and take care of everybody else.

Speaker 2 16:03

So what did we do? We had an experience, we got a belief, and then we threw away a part that we call selfish, and it's just energy. It's just energy. I better not be like that. So everybody that's here right now, think about what you might be saying to yourself of I never want to be like that person, like that quality. Anytime you say I'll never be like that, or I hate people like that, usually there's a shadow lurking. So we throw away these parts of us and we go okay, I better not be selfish, I better not be lazy, I better not be angry, I better not be too creative, I better not be too smart. I mean all these different things we experience and we throw the baby out with the bathwater. So we go okay, I better not be like that, I'm going to throw it behind me, I'm never going to look at it and I'm going to do the opposite. And then what's birth is? People pleasers, good little girls, workaholics.

Speaker 1 17:04

Difficulty with boundaries, I'm sure.

Speaker 2 17:07

Everything, everything Exactly. And just to use the selfish as an example, if you throw the, you know a selfish, the energy of selfish, there's nothing bad about it. But at the shadowy, icky part of selfishness is some, but something we don't want. We don't want to be that person that only thinks of themselves and just wants only for themselves. But inside the energy of selfishness to focus on oneself is the ability to say you know what my needs matter, I do want this, I have a value, and so we've thrown all of that away. So shadow work helps, with practitioners outside, shining a light on what's going on, helps you see what you lost access to and helps you get it back in a conscious, healthy way. Okay, that.

Speaker 1 17:59

Yeah, thank you so much for sharing that, because it is. We put those labels on ourselves and then we need help to explore them, move through them and realize that there's healing that can be done. Now I know that a lot of your focus you mentioned, you know is on loving relationships and partnerships in a later stage of life. But you also mentioned that you have a love quiz. So tell me more about what the love quiz is about.

Speaker 2 18:28

Absolutely, absolutely, yeah, I mean. My primary clientele, so to speak, are women in the second half of life that are starting over in love, whether they lost a partner, whether it was divorced. Maybe they've never been married and they've come to this place where they just so want to have that special next level love experience. Maybe they're having an amazing life and they're looking for that cherry on top where, whatever it is, people are desiring healthy, beautiful partnership. And whether it's a partnership in love or the people in your life or even in business, we need to know our love avatar. We need to know what is our superpower, what are we bringing to the table and where might we need to do some more work.

Speaker 2 19:17

So I created this quiz and I love it. It comes with a full report where you discover your love avatar to find out how relationship ready you are, and, yes, it is geared toward women that are looking for partnership. However, there's a lot of information there and when you take this quiz, it's like a two minute quiz and it's fun and it helps people really find out what they're bringing to the table, because everybody has a superpower and there are certain blind spots that certain people have, and then you'll learn about some of the challenges and I give you next steps so that you can actually start to move forward and really claim the second half of life in the way that you so desire with love, because love is everything. Love is everything, and whether it's loving yourself, loving with a partner or just connecting with your heart with everybody, this is important, and so that's what the quiz is about.

Speaker 1 20:13

Wonderful. Well, we are going to make sure to have a link to that in the show notes. Along with the best place to find you. I have your website, midlifeloveoutloudcom, and then I know if people want to connect with you, look for you on YouTube. I'll have that link in the show notes as well. I'm sure there's some wonderful teaching and sharing that you're doing on YouTube at the moment. So that's all good.

Speaker 2 20:37

Yes, and I have some amazing guests that I've brought on. I do my own, as well as bring in some of the leading experts across all topics, because, it's again, to have a healthy, rich life, we need to have healthy bodies, healthy mindsets. Absolutely and of course, dating and relationship advice.

Speaker 1 20:59

And the growth mindset, just being open to. Not everything is for everybody, but if you can take a little nugget here and a little nugget there, and so, on that note, I'd love to ask you, if somebody was just taking away something from listening to us chat today, what would you love that to be?

Speaker 2 21:15

Ah, that it's not your fault that you have these blind spots, that you have these blind spots. In fact, your risk manager that has created the shadows and has had you maybe feel misaligned or not be in the most open place. It's just been trying to keep you safe. It's because you are protecting yourself. And how wonderful is that now. So you know, stop beating yourself up about that. I invite everybody to hopefully take away that you have been created to be the way you are because of your experiences in your life and, as you said, you can rewrite your story, you can shift, you can heal. It's not the end of the story unless you choose it to be the end of the story. There you go.

Speaker 1 22:03

Yeah, and you do not have to choose that. So, junie, thanks so much for joining me today and just sharing some light and love and encouragement with my listeners.

Speaker 2 22:14

I appreciate you. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. This was lovely.

Speaker 1 22:19

Thank you. So, for those that are listening, if our conversation has sparked some inspiration for you, I do invite you to share it with somebody else. Share the love, share the words, share the learning with somebody else, and I also encourage you to embrace your unique way of connecting, inspiring or creating hence the name of the podcast this week. So let it bring a fresh sense of joy into your world. And who am I? Your host, Carol Clegg. I am a coach for coaches. I am your business mentor and accountability coach, and I love guiding women coaches to taking action. Positive intelligence is the coaching method that I use. So do ask me about my 12-week Flourish and Grow program and master your mindset, elevate your overall happiness and build some powerful lifelong habits that will help you manage stress and anxiety that all come our way, no matter what it is. So feel free to reach out. I'm here to support you on the journey and, until the next episode, take care.