Have you been guilty of running from, or hiding your issues in your marriage because they are just too hard to talk about and you don't want it to cause an argument, or you don't want your spouse to know?
It's natural to wan't to run from our problems or issues especially if they are (or could be) a source of contention in the relationship. We often think if we just leave it alone, or sweep it under the rug, it will get better. But the truth is, it will most likely only get much worse until it turns into a much bigger issue or does much more damage than if we address them early on.
Some of the issues we discuss are:
Financial issues
Sexual/intimacy issues
Addictions
Emotional intimacy
Unresolved Conflicts
Join us for this unique and interesting episode.
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
WANT AMAZING PRODUCTS TO SPICE THINGS UP? YES PLEASE... CLICK HERE
The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
The Intimacy and Adventure Marriage Retreat to connect on a deeper level as a couple! Find out more at https://ultimateintimacy.com/retreats/
Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.
If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
Have you been guilty of running from, or hiding your issues in your marriage because they are just too hard to talk about and you don't want it to cause an argument, or you don't want your spouse to know?
It's natural to wan't to run from our problems or issues especially if they are (or could be) a source of contention in the relationship. We often think if we just leave it alone, or sweep it under the rug, it will get better. But the truth is, it will most likely only get much worse until it turns into a much bigger issue or does much more damage than if we address them early on.
Some of the issues we discuss are:
Financial issues
Sexual/intimacy issues
Addictions
Emotional intimacy
Unresolved Conflicts
Join us for this unique and interesting episode.
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
WANT AMAZING PRODUCTS TO SPICE THINGS UP? YES PLEASE... CLICK HERE
The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
The Intimacy and Adventure Marriage Retreat to connect on a deeper level as a couple! Find out more at https://ultimateintimacy.com/retreats/
Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.
If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:How running or hiding from your marital issues only compounds them and makes things worse. Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with your hosts, nick and Amy. I think this is going to be a good subject. I'm totally guilty of this, so I guess today is going to be fun, airing some of my past flaws and dirty laundry, so to speak.
Speaker 2:Amy is just over there smiling, but I think what we're talking about is a lot of times couples have things that they just really avoid talking about because they don't want to get into an argument, they don't want to cause conflict, they don't want to have it turn into something worse. Or it could be because they don't want the other spouse necessarily to know what's going on. And if you think of a lot of the serious issues that couples potentially have whether it's infidelity or financial issues or debt or issues in the bedroom a lot of the times is because they just kind of run from the problem or hide from the problem. They don't want to talk about it. But not talking about these things can make things even that much worse in the long run and end in disaster.
Speaker 1:For sure. I think the longer you get married, the more you just kind of get worn out and tired dealing with certain things that are always a recurring issue. Right, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:And, like I said, we dealt with this in our marriage, which we'll get into. I guess we could just dive in Number one, talking about financial issues, right?
Speaker 1:It came up with this podcast and he's in charge of this, so I am not throwing you under the bus in any way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I totally know I got to be vulnerable. But you know financial issues. I remember when, several years ago, when Amy and I were going through the financial things we were going through, I felt like, as a man, it was just my job to take care of things and solve the problem, so to speak. And so anytime we talked about financial issues, I didn't want to talk about it because it just caused an argument, and so, for me, I was just like I don't want to talk about it. Right, I would shut down the conversation. But in the meantime, I'm making financial decisions and putting us in debt and doing things that have a huge impact on our marriage, our future, different things like that. But it was so again, it was one of those ways for me of just running and hiding from this issue and recognizing not at the time, understanding the implications we would have over time, recognizing that by doing that, things just got worse, worse and worse with everything. Wouldn't you agree?
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 2:It was awful.
Speaker 2:So I know today we're going to try to hit the top six things that we think the majority of couples probably have dealt with or are currently dealing with. That we think is applicable for so many marriages out there, and I think the financial issue financial things are such a big thing. You could have a spouse that loves spending money and another spouse that is more of a saver. Obviously, the spouse that's spending money isn't going to want to deal with the issue or talk about it with the spouse who's a saver, because that could really cause a conflict or create a situation where maybe they couldn't go spend as much money. So it would be really easy for a spouse in that situation to just go purchase stuff and just go do things and not say anything and obviously, if they're not having that communication in the relationship, that debt could continue to just get more and more and more and more until it obviously becomes a real big issue.
Speaker 1:Which puts more stress on the marriage. Correct. Yeah, absolutely, if you're like us and anti-debt, and then one of you is into that and doesn't care. You're going to have some serious, serious disconnect from that. So yeah, and I think that you're right, most couples, I bet there's a spender and a saver maybe not extreme, I'm sure there's extreme ones, but there's probably more. I mean, even if you're off just a little bit in this area, you're probably going to have some pretty big disagreements, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I would say there's probably a ton of couples that one of the spouses is just like I don't want to talk about this, it's uncomfortable to talk about, it causes an argument. Therefore, we're just going to sweep it under the rug, so to speak, or run from the problem or just not talk about it, because in a way, in a lot of ways, it is so much easier just not to deal with it and not let it be a problem or become a problem with your thinking. It's just so much easier to just ignore it, say I'll take care of it or we'll figure it out, or almost sometimes, even try to hide it from your spouse, I guess.
Speaker 1:And if you wanna figure it out, then figure out and fix the problem, don't make it worse. Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:So in this situation I mean talking about, like, if someone's a real big spender and the other spouse is a saver you really have to sit down as a couple and say, okay, what are we gonna do to find a good balance? Right, I understand you like to spend on these things. I understand I like to save. What if we come up with like a monthly allowance that we're going to spend this amount of money on this or what have?
Speaker 1:you.
Speaker 2:And just really having that communication because it really is. It's not always just black and white like, oh, a spouse wants to do this and the other one wants to do this, like there really is. That's what marriage is about is compromising and finding a good balance, because you are, in your marriage, gonna have so many things that you see differently on, and finances could be a big one. I mean you could have a spouse that grew up just in a family that maybe didn't have a lot of money and they really saved, and then another spouse where they just were shopping 24 seven, and so you bring two people together and they grew up with those different experiences. You can see how it'd be hard to have those expectations and manage that.
Speaker 1:And I also think that it's important, if one of them is a spender, to sit down and be like why is this important to you? And really look at their side too, like what are the things that they're spending on and why? Cause there's usually a deeper issue, especially if someone's addicted to shopping or spending they're covering up. It's like a band-aid right.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Like shopping could be an addiction to something else. So, or if some of the things they're spending money on, like find out why are those things important to them. Like have compassion, like let's talk about why you need that, why you feel like you need this so much, and like be compassionate in that sense too. Like yes, we need to find a budget. We need to find a good balance between the both of us. You can't just expect your spouse to never go anywhere or spend any money or do anything. Right, like there's gotta be that healthy, healthy balance to where you're able to live. Also, and if you're on a really tight, tight, strict budget right now, maybe as a team, you figure out like we're gonna have to take a side job or I'm gonna have to do this on the side, or is this important? Would you, in order for this lifestyle to be like this, do one of us need to get it a part time? Like whatever that looks like in your relationship, it needs to be talked about, right?
Speaker 2:Well, the reason why it's so important to talk about is, like we said, if it's just kinda swept under the rug or ignored, something can turn into something so much bigger that could be catastrophic for your marriage.
Speaker 2:So, for example, let's just say you have a spouse that spend in a bunch of money and maybe she or he doesn't recognize that there's not that much money coming in and just putting it on the credit card and expecting that, oh, we'll get it paid off, and that just continues to accumulate to a point to where then it becomes insurmountable and it's not something that can be taken care of. And we've actually had experiences with that with some people we know, which we'll share here in a little bit not to get off subject, but yeah, it can be detrimental. So it's so important to just sit down and, like Amy said, just say okay, how do we come to a compromise? What can we do to allow you to spend the money, or some of the money to get the things that you want? But we also were able to put away some money for saving or things like that.
Speaker 1:And I think a good tip for this one to be to end this kind of section, is to add finances to your weekly marriage meetings.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Because, with inflation and everything going on right now especially, I mean groceries have doubled, a lot of things have gone up so much. And to add to that, I think it's really important that couples do finances together, even if one person is more in charge of, like, paying the bills. I think it's really important to sit down and be like this is what our bills and financial situation looks like, so that both people are aware 100% of what's going on, what's coming in, what's going out, what's being saved, what's being spent. So both people are very like.
Speaker 1:Just a quick example like me, growing up, my dad had a business, worked another full-time job, paid all the bills, was an amazing provider, but my mom he took care of everything. So I don't think my mom bless her heart, she was an amazing mom. I don't think she had anything to do with a lot of the financial situation, I think he just took care of her. And so it's important, I think, nowadays to really be on the same page together with what's going in, what's coming in and what's going out, because I think that could really help the whole situation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, for sure. Number two on the list and I think this is huge is sexual issues. We say this often, but we can't even tell you how many messages we get from lower-desire spouses or, sorry, higher-desire spouses, excuse me that say you know, my I really, I really want to be intimate, and more often, but my spouse just doesn't want to be. And the first question we ask is well, have you talked about it? And the answer, 90% of the time or more, is well, no, it causes an argument. Every time we've tried to talk about it, it causes an argument. So I just stay away from it and accept that that's the way it's going to be.
Speaker 2:And these, these spouses are just dying.
Speaker 2:I mean, they're they're it's really sad to hear.
Speaker 2:They're so scared to talk about it because it causes an argument or an issue, but yet they're suffering so much that that suffering is only going to last so long, to the point where you know something's going to happen, right, right, so you know.
Speaker 2:I think it's so important um again to, in this situation, to just you have to sit down as a couple and really discuss these, what your expectations are when it comes to sexual intimacy and what you can do to have better sexual intimacy in your relationship. And I think, I think for a lot of cases, the other spouse, the lower-desire spouse, may not know, uh, really, the impact or how bad things are for the higher-desire spouse, because the higher-desire spouse just is like I'm not going to talk about it anymore, I'm not going to bring it up. It just causes uh too many, um too many issues and they're they're more afraid of getting rejected than they are of just not trying anymore. But again, going, going on over time, this is going to compound and eventually lead to potentially infidelity, or you know divorce, or you know something.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Our podcast we just did about talking to your spouse about sexual intimacy just really hits on that. It's just really important.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and as we talk about like, just talking about, like, your love languages and the way you feel desired or don't feel desired, and just really having open and honest communications about this, rather than just sweeping the problem under the rug and hoping that you know somehow some way it changes in the future. It's just not the. The problem's going to compound and get worse and worse and worse until, like I said, you end up, uh, in a marriage to where you're so disconnected that, um, you're in a roommate marriage, yeah.
Speaker 1:In a roommate marriage it's also important to like remember that I don't understand how he feels and he doesn't understand how I feel because he's not in my body and I'm not in his body. And so this is where listening and like caring is so important, because he can tell me all day long well, I have a high drive. I'm not going to understand that if I don't have that and I have low drive, he's not going to understand what that's like we. That's where you have to get vulnerable and really discuss like this is what it feels like to be like this. This is why it's important to me. This is why it's important to me that we find a good balance Like that. Those conversations need to be had.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Absolutely, Absolutely. The third one is parenting. Um, I think I said this is a tough one, Um, I think there's a lot, of, a lot of evolution we've made in our marriage, for sure, over parenting and trying to be on the same page. Um, cause Amy and I did grow up with different ways that we were parented. My parents, um, I virtually had no rules and and could do what I want, and Amy's parents were more strict, which was probably a good thing. But I think we we grew up so differently that obviously our parenting styles or the way we look at things can sometimes differ and and you know, obviously just ignoring, ignoring that um could really create problems as well.
Speaker 1:I think what worked for us is really talking about our backgrounds and our upbringings together. Like really getting into detail, like this is how my parents raised me and this is how I feel, like it affected me Negatives, positives, goods and bads, right. Or about super vulnerable, like, okay, his situation, why didn't have rules? This is what happened, this was good, this was bad, like. And then we come together and came up with like, okay, where do we find a common ground where boundaries are set, where, okay, this was negative because of this, so maybe we try not doing that and do more of this. Like that takes some serious conversation. And when you find that balance, like, yeah, your parents are probably too lenient, mine were probably too strict, I rebelled because of that. You were really good, because you weren't pushed Finding that middle ground. And like, okay, you know what, let's try it. And it's important to remember there's no parenting manuals, right. So like we're all just kind of winging and doing the best that we can, but if you have each other's back, it makes parenting so much easier.
Speaker 2:Well, that's the key, I think. I think the way this could, like I said, go really wrong and how spouses tend to maybe sweep things under the rug or ignore things is if you had different parenting styles and because you're different parenting styles, you're disciplining your kids different ways, and that you know oh yeah, you can have a sleep over and the other spouse saying absolutely not, you could see how that could cause a lot of disconnect to where one spouse finally just says well, all right, I'm not, I'm just I'm going to ignore it, not worry about this. That can lead to a lot of conflict, obviously between a couple. So, like Amy said, just having having those discussions and making those decisions together is vital and, even if you don't fully agree, backing each other up and supporting each other really is the key.
Speaker 1:For sure.
Speaker 2:Oh, the next one addictions. I think this is something that a lot of people tend to run from or hide, maybe a little bit hide from their hiding from their problems, sometimes even hiding from their spouses. I had a good friend in high school and he was telling me the story about how, you know, they did pretty well financially and one day the spouse went to the gas station and tried using the credit card and the credit card didn't work. And they're thinking what in the world? Why is my credit card not working? And, you know, tried another one and you know that didn't work either. So he went home and he's like what in the world? So he started doing a little bit of digging and found out that all the credit cards were maxed out and the home had leans against it and all these things.
Speaker 2:And the other spouse had a gambling addiction that the spouse didn't know about. And make a long story short. This addiction, you know, obviously probably started out small and probably got into a little bit of debt and thought, hey, I'm, you know, I'm not, I'm gonna ignore this problem, I'll work it out, I'll figure it out, and didn't say anything to the other spouse. Well, make a long story short. Obviously I don't know the full extent, but they had tons of credit card debt pretty much maxed out their house. I don't remember if they lost their house or almost lost their house. Point I'm trying to make is this addictive behavior almost caused them to lose not everything, not only everything they had, but also their marriage.
Speaker 2:So you know, when dealing with addictions whether it's a gambling or pornography or you know something like that- social media social media, you know, rather than, just, you know, running from that problem and thinking it'll resolve itself, or keeping it from your spouse, ignoring it so important to talk about those things together with your spouse. I mean just this gambling, you know, scenario. If the spouse would have talked to the other spouse, said, hey look, here's what I've done. We're now, you know, $5,000 in debt or $10,000 or whatever that is I needed. We needed to figure out a way and work together on this. It could have probably really avoided from turning into a really massive and big problem. Right, and that's the point we're trying to make is, rather than running from the problems and letting them turn into much bigger problems, really talking about them as a couple.
Speaker 1:For sure which is hard. This one's really hard because once you feel like you're addicted to something, it's embarrassing, it's it's. I have a weakness and I have to come to you and tell you about this weakness. But it's important, but it's hard. It is, it's really hard especially if you're a shape, it's something that you're super ashamed of.
Speaker 2:Like I think that's the biggest. Yeah, it's my spouse.
Speaker 1:Is it a safe place? Is my spouse gonna judge me? Is she gonna he? She gonna look down on me? Is it gonna cause a fight and resentment or something worse, like it's just. I Just gotta suck it up and talk about it for sure.
Speaker 2:The next one is emotional distance and I think you know lack of emotional intimacy. You know when couples feel disconnected or maybe their feelings have been hurt about something, maybe they've had an argument and their feelings are hurt and they just try to ignore it. But the problem with ignoring it is that resentment can build up over time and time and time and turn into something where it's just Ready, you know building up that pressure, just ready, ready to explode, and by the time it explodes it could be too late absolutely Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Any thoughts on that? I mean, we've kind of dealt with that a little bit right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just I think a lot of people struggle with this one. I don't even know where to start. All the things that we've already talked about Cause a wedge between this emotional intimacy. Right, like, like little things cause a wedge, like getting upset. Talking negatively, I mean the scent, the tone of voice that you use, getting frustrated, being impatient, those cause wedge. And and the deeper your wedge goes, the bigger the crack comes. I mean that that gap and then the sexual intimacy gets cut off, like we always talk about. So keeping your emotional Intimacy and connection strong is just, it's just key, and that just it takes time. It takes all those simple things we talk about all the time.
Speaker 2:Well, not. I think this too is an area like you said. It's pretty calmer, but it's really easy to just ignore things and say, oh, you know what, it's not a big deal, I'll just deal with it. And then another problem happens. And another problem happens and you don't. You just sweep it under rug, you don't address it, you don't talk about it, thinking that Hopefully things will get better. But actually things get worse and worse and worse and build up to a point to where you're just like Can't take it anymore, so someone's eventually breaks in the marriage right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so again just really having those tough conversations and talking about everything you know and I think to just continue to have date nights and and Really trying to connect Emotionally and keeping those good, that good communication going. And the final one is unresolved conflicts. I think this kind of goes hand-in-hand with what we just talked about.
Speaker 1:But the ticking time bomb.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah you named it the ticking. I mean it's true, like we just said, right, like someone's gonna blow up eventually. Like you can only push stuff under the rug before it piles up so high that someone can seize it right. Like you can't hide stuff forever not in a marriage. So it's important to just never even try to hide it, like if you're, if you're open and clear about all these things from like Right, when it starts happening, then you are causing, so You're, you're keeping from causing all this down the road pain, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah and heartbreak.
Speaker 2:Exactly and regardless of what it is, regardless of whether it's finances or the emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy or unresolved conflicts or things like that. The point we're trying to make is, if you're just ignoring those things and sweeping them under the rug or running from those issues, thinking that, hey, if we just avoid them, things will be better, you're making a big mistake, because eventually those are gonna turn into much bigger problems and bigger issues, and sometimes, often, like I said, when it almost becomes too late.
Speaker 1:For sure, and it's hard to Like all the simple things which is mentioned, like going on a date night, kissing goodbye, saying I love you, speaking your spouse's love language, connecting every night before you go to bed all those things that are so simple become so much harder when you're disconnected in any way, like if you just had an argument of over something from one of these things that we just talked about. It's gonna be hard for you want to go up to hug, hug your spouse and say I love you. Like that becomes hard. Wanting to go on a date night when you're not feeling connected at all, that's hard. You just made date night, which should be an exciting thing for the both of you, and romantic and connecting.
Speaker 1:That's hard, because nobody wants to go on a date with someone, just the two of you, and look at each other and be like we are having resentment between us, right? Or or helping each other out when there's any kind of resentment or unresolved conflicts. It's just like those simple things get hard, that you make them hard and those are the kind of things that you can't let go of or your marriage will not make it. So it's just super important to. I mean, when we talk about, like coming back from conflicts and really connecting and not sleeping on a long time and giving silence to men, all those kind of things. They're important because when you're in conflict or unresolved conflicts, you are going to stop doing those little things that keep you together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. So I guess our challenge to you this week is, if there's anything that you kind of feel like you've swept under the rug or you're ignoring in your relationship or maybe almost hiding from your spouse, sit down, have a good, open and honest conversation with them and address the issue before it becomes too late, because eventually it might be too late.
Speaker 1:It might be too late. It's really hard to come back from something when it's a big, deep problem. Right, like it was hard for us. We got like Nick was saying at the beginning, like we got to a point, we were like at a breaking point and it was like we had to turn the switch on, like we literally have to start over tomorrow fresh, throw everything out, fix everything, heal, forgive, start fresh or we're not going to make it. And sometimes it takes that in marriage.
Speaker 2:Yep, and if you have a hard time talking about things, go check out our conversation starters in the app and those can kind of help give you an idea, maybe, of what type of questions and things to ask as well. So we really hope you enjoyed the podcast. Please consider leaving us a review. We'd love to hear from you and love to hear topics and things that you also want to hear as well, and future podcasts. So let us know what you think.