444. Are You Just "Too Tired" For Your Marriage?

Is it just us… or is everyone exhausted?

In this honest and relatable episode of The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, Nick and Amy tackle a question so many couples are asking: Are we too tired for our marriage?

Between careers, kids, packed schedules, hormones, and everyday stress, exhaustion feels constant, and intimacy is often the first thing to fade. But here’s the real challenge:

Are you truly too tired… or have you stopped prioritizing your marriage?

With humor and real-life perspective from 23 years of marriage, Nick and Amy unpack what’s behind the “I’m too tired” excuse, and how to shift back into connection.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why exhaustion is often more mental than physical
• The difference between being tired and simply bored
• Why you find energy for what you’re committed to
• How overscheduling drains your relationship
• The power of small, intentional moments
• Why putting your phone down changes everything
• How dividing responsibilities reduces burnout
• Why laughter, play, and celebration actually create energy

A Powerful Reminder

Marriage isn’t about feeling perfect every day — it’s about choosing to show up, even when you’re tired.

Intimacy doesn’t have to be complicated or time-consuming. Sometimes it’s five focused minutes, holding hands, a compliment, or protecting a weekly date night. If you have energy to scroll, you have energy to connect.

If you’re exhausted, you’re probably doing a lot of good things. But this episode will challenge you to look at your priorities, set better boundaries, and intentionally protect your marriage.

Because when you get out of boredom and back into connection, energy follows.

If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why close to 1M people have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!

Check out the new UandI App we just released after a year in development.

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If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You are listening to the ultimate podcast, where we discuss how to fight ultimate ultimate podcast. We believe that no matter how we are, you can fight passion, happiness, and romance at any stage of our life. Join us as we have discussions in all areas of interviews for festivals and people who are just not outside.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Our podcast is for all public working and for you too tired to be married is today's podcast episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Do you want to know why you came up with it?

SPEAKER_01 0:47

I do want to know why I'm so tired. Well, we were just we were just both saying, we're both just saying, I'm exhausted. In fact, you before the week started on Sunday night, you're like, is it Monday already tomorrow? We have to can't we just have a couple more days off?

SPEAKER_00 1:04

I've never what's going on. I don't know if it's just the age. I don't know if it's perimenopause. I don't know if it's just this is the busiest time of our year for our work. I don't the kids have so much starting and going on right now. I just there's just it's a holiday weekend coming up. I've got a lot of family coming into town. I'm leaving for town for a day. I don't know what it is. Like mentally, I'm just like, I'm exhausted. And I know so many people feel like this, and so many couples are always reaching out. We're just tired. And then we hear all the men are like, my wife is too tired to be intimate, and the wife and the husbands are I'm tired from work and everyone's tired.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

Amy asked me just before we got on here, are you too tired to do a naked movie tonight? And I'm like, heck no, I'm not too tired.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

I'll your first response sounded kind of tired.

SPEAKER_01 1:51

No, I was like, never mind. I've never rejected Amy in my life ever. In 23 years.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Like, I can't do a podcast on being too tired.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Amy's never been rejected.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Actually, I'll tell you. Um okay. So anyone listening is like, yeah, I'm tired, right? I think I think unless you're like a newlywed and you just have that big spark and that excitement still flowing, adrenal adrenaline throwing, yeah flowing through your stay up till 5 a.m.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

all the time together.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

That ends. We're gonna start with Are you newlyweds out there?

SPEAKER_00 2:28

You get tired. Add some kids, add a new career, you're gonna get tired.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Add some dogs.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Okay. Um, okay, I'm gonna start with three quote quotes. Okay, I'm reading these. So, quote You can't pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself gives you the energy to show up for your spouse. Quote number one. We're gonna talk about that. Quote number two marriage isn't about being perfect every day, it's about showing up even when you're tired. Yeah. Yeah. Quote number three small intentional moments matter more than grand gestures. Connection doesn't need a lot of energy, it just needs your presence. And I just thought the three of those tied into what we're gonna talk about. Oh, those are quotes. Okay, so yeah, yeah, you already jumped in.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Yeah, here's a little bit of a right there.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

If you're watching the camera, say hello. Okay. Um says we're too tired because of the dogs. Anyways, no, they don't take any energy. But the kids take a lot of energy, and everything else in life takes a lot of energy. So number one, if you're too tired in your marriage, this is how you fix it. Acknowledge the exhaustion. So that's what we're doing today. We're being like, I'm tired, you're tired. Everyone's tired, it's real. We're human. We get tired. Yeah, sometimes you make me tired. Sometimes I make you tired. Sometimes I wear you out, sometimes like in lots of different ways. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Anyways, I'll take your word for it.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Admit that your life can be exhausting and it's normal to feel this way and talk about it. Like it's always about communication, right? So instead of excuses, excuses, excuses. I'm too tired for this, I'm too tired, I'm too tired. Talk about it. Why are we tired? What can we do?

SPEAKER_01 4:17

I would say this, at least for me, my personality, I would be rather be too much going on than not enough. Like if I had nothing to do, I'd be like, oh my heck, I'm going crazy.

SPEAKER_00 4:28

So but there's such a balance to being so busy that you wear out for your spouse and having a balance where I still have enough energy for my spouse.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

So I promise you, I will never wear out for you. Ever.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

You might one day, you might one day. You might get older and you're like, I actually am too tired, too tired tonight.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

We'll see we'll see.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

Are we over-scheduling our days so that we're literally too tired? And and like we talked with Austin actually on our very last episode on priorities and pri your marriage being your biggest priority, what that looks like. What are we doing to overschedule so that we're not too tired?

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Yeah, yeah. And I think I think a lot of it is overscheduling and just being mentally exhausted.

SPEAKER_00 5:11

Mentally exhausted.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

I think most of us physically I think most of us can physically handle things, but it's the mental exhaustion. That's just water, right? That's not going. That's not vodka. You're not listening. I'm joking. We don't drink. I'm just making a joke.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

I got that scratchy thing hit me all of a sudden. Um I thought you were gonna keep talking, but you kind of just like put all on me while I was getting a drink.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

Yeah, yeah. Uh the next one is just I was too tired to keep talking.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

That was uh yeah. Um when I first thought of this title, I was like, Am I too tired to be married? I thought of it as kind of a joke.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Hold on, what's your other option?

SPEAKER_00 5:53

Well, I I wanted to add to that. Am I too tired to be truly committed? And that's what, like, I know this is kind of lighthearted. We're starting out lighthearted, but it's kind of a really don't smile right now. It's this isn't funny. Are you too tired to be truly committed in your marriage? And I really want everyone to think about that. Are you too tired to be committed to your marriage? And why? Because if you really look at that and you're like, what am I doing to make myself so tired? And maybe it's a health thing, maybe it's perimenopause, maybe you need some kind of medication or a better sleep, some whatever that is. I'm not like straight the kind of person that's like over a medication, but if you need if you have a hormone imbalance or a testosterone imbalance, or like if there's something deeper, like I hope that you'll think, okay, this is what's causing me to be so tired. And I I truly need to get help for my marriage, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Yeah, it brings me back to that guy that was texting you for like three hours, and he's like, I literally don't have any time or anything for our marriage. I'm exhausted, I'm 24-7, and he had three hours to talk to you.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

So message on yeah, on social. Um so I I just I think about the word commitment. I know we've talked about this, but like being committed to your marriage. Like you can't really be too tired to be committed to something, right? Like if you're committed to work, if you're committed to a work meeting, if you're committed to like so many men are committed to you working on their muscles and getting to the gym every day. My kids are committed to running, going to practice, but they but uh it we we find the energy for things that we're committed to.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

Oh, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

So are you committed to your marriage? That means that you've got to find the energy for your marriage.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

And if you don't have the energy for your marriage, you're most likely not putting your marriage first or making it the priority.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

The priority. The priority.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

What we hear from a lot of people is like, oh, I'm too tired at the end of the day from running the kids around and all this to spend time with my husband, right? Well, again, uh you're prioritizing everything else above your marriage. And there might be seasons where that that happens, but uh, you know, obviously you shouldn't do that, but um long term it's gonna have tremendous consequences on your marriage. I mean, that's if you look at any couple that gets divorced, it it really comes down to 99% of the time, they're not prioritizing their relationship with each other, they're focusing on other things. So I mean, it's just that simple. You want to have a good marriage, prioritize each other, make it a priority.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Agree, amen. So, number two is choose commitment daily. Marriage isn't about feelings, it's about deciding to show up for your spouse, even when you're tired. And I can admit that I'm not perfect at this, but I've tried really hard, even on nights I'm exhausted, and I'm like, being intimate is the last thing on my mind. I'm gonna prioritize that right night for right now for him, for me, for our marriage, because I know it's important. And and sometimes we have to prioritize things that are important for our marriage, even if we're tired. Yeah, even if we're tired, okay. The next one is uh micro moments count, like a touch, um, giving undivided attention for five minutes. Um, doing just little things, right?

SPEAKER_01 9:00

Sending your spouse a text message, like we talked about um in a previous podcast. Um, doing simple things, just letting them know how much you appreciate them. It's just it really is just the simple things.

SPEAKER_00 9:11

Get up early if you're exhausted. You know, use your early morning before the kids are up to work on your marriage, like whatever that looks like, right? And number four is protecting your couple time. We're really, really good at this. We're like up after this.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

We're really good at this.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

We actually are good at it. I can brag about this one. I can brag about one thing, and that's date night. We're really good at date night. No, we are. We're really good at date night. Yeah, and that takes us a lot of years to figure out, but we're good at it now.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

Nothing's gonna get in the way of our date night.

SPEAKER_00 9:37

Sometimes we move it around, sometimes we have to make it a lunch, but we make sure it happens every week. Yeah, and that's really important to me. And I'm never gonna be too tired to go on a date with you.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

This is coming from a couple that already spends all their time with each other. So she still wants to date me, which is fantastic.

SPEAKER_00 9:53

I want to get out of the house, which is fantastic. Talk about something else, yes. Uh, number five is so easy. We talked about this like our whole last episode, and that's just putting your phone down. If you're committed to your marriage, you have to put your phone down. And I don't understand why people say they're too tired for their marriage, but they can scroll all night on social media or the news or just whatever you're looking at. Like, I don't understand, and I know we talked about this, but like I don't understand how you can have this big screen time and then say, I'm too tired for my marriage. And I know that like being intimate or going to do something fun on a date night with your spouse, or I know we're all exhausted at the end of the day, but it's really good and healthy. I'm not just talking about being intimate, too. Just like whatever that is, connecting, playing a game with your spouse, go taking a hot shower with your spouse, somehow connecting at the end of the day, or even whether it's that's just conversation and emotionally connecting. Like if you have time to swipe your phone, you have time to sit and hold hands or snuggle or talk to your spouse. Like, I don't understand that.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Um having a good marriage really is a lot easier than we make it. We get so many distractions and let so many things get in the way. Like Amy's saying, it's just simply prioritizing and connecting.

SPEAKER_00 11:05

And we've done some awesome episodes with Austin lately on the last couple Fridays. One was on boundaries, this can really help protect your marriage and how to prioritize your marriage. I know we kind of already talked about this, but like those both of those things we just talked about with him really come down to this, like setting boundaries so you're not too tired, setting, you know, goals in your marriage so you're not just making different choices, right? Exactly. The next one, um, physical intimacy isn't always about sex. Um like holding hands, cuddling, kissing, snuggling, just physical touch in general is like so important for your marriage. And I don't feel like there's an ever a too tired excuse for something like that.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

Yeah, right? And and like we've talked about so many other times, uh, physical intimacy to your husband isn't really about sex, it's about connecting, the emotional connection. There's so many more uh things than just the sexual intimacy.

SPEAKER_00 12:01

And if you literally, if we are talking about intimate time at night, if you're too tired and you're like, I don't have an hour for foreplay to work, I don't want to, it just takes so long and it's so exhausting.

SPEAKER_01 12:11

There's a solution for that.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

We have solutions for the shop, right? Like, that's why we opened our shop, was for that one solution. Like we've got solutions, guys. Um, the next one is divide and conquer responsibilities, which is like huge.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

I think that's so important. It's so important. Couples just talk and say, Hey, I can tell you're kind of stressed or you you've got that load. What what can I do to help? Like, just Amy and I we talked about this in the marriage meeting the other week as well, too, is just like talk about what your week looks like and what each other's responsibilities are things that you've got to do and and divide and conquer. Like that that one thing alone will make such a big difference in if you're exhausted in the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

And if you really love and care about your spouse, you're probably gonna look at them and be like, You look tired tonight. I I want to take something off your plate. Like whether it's a husband that's been like a hard labor job all day, or a wife that's home with like multiple little kids and just she looks tired. Like we look, we can tell when our spouse is born out, either physically or emotionally, right? So just just help each other out. Just help each other out. Um, the next one is use humor and play. Laughter is actually energizing. And I think we've talked about why it's so important to laugh in your marriage, but I think just having more fun, playing a fun game together. We have some really fun games where where we get laughing, and I'm like, I forgot I was tired.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Or watch a good comedy on TV, like it'll wake you up.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

No, it really will. I think you can almost equate like being worn out to almost like bored as well, too. I agree, right? Like if you're just bored death, you're sitting on the couch, you're just oh my, you know, you're just kind of veg in there, right? I I really believe that.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

Um that's a really good point. Like, I didn't really bring that into this topic, but sometimes we think of tired and we just it's bored. Yeah, like some nights I'm like, I'm not really exact, I'm not actually physically tired. I'm kind of just bored.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

Yeah, that's the way my night last night was. I'm like, I am bored out of my mind.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Oh, I left you for like four hours to do both my girls' nails.

SPEAKER_01 14:10

No, it wasn't because of that. I'm just like, I'm bored. I I literally don't know what to do. I don't want to get on my phone. Um you just sat there.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

You could have came and watched me do the nails.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

I actually did laundry, I did dishes, I jumped in the sauna.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

I you got a lot of productive stuff done.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Got a lot of things done, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes we're it's okay to be bored, it's not bad to be bored sometimes, but I like that you equate that. Like look at your marriage and think, are we tired or are we just bored? How do we spice things?

SPEAKER_01 14:39

And I think those do sometimes go hand in hand.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

I agree. If you get too bored for too long, you kind of physically get tired. It's kind of a mental thing. Um, recharge individually and as a couple. So I think this one's important to encourage each other to kind of reset. Like, I can tell you need to go out the other day. He looked kind of like, eh, I was like, just go hit some balls, go go do your thing for a couple hours. You need it. And he's sometimes he's like, go play pickleball. And I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Yeah, no, I I agree 100%. I think it is important just um together as a couple, but also individually, just to take some time for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

Yep. I think that self-care is so important for a marriage. I don't think that it's prideful or selfish to take care of yourself. I think as long as it's balanced within the right amount of time or money or whatever, obviously. I don't think like leaving for six hours and spending much money is what's needed. I think going out and giving yourself an hour, going doing something, you can recharge yourself. Like it brings more energy into the marriage when you're happy.

SPEAKER_01 15:40

100%.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

And the last one is celebrate small wins. Like, I really, really just think this is important to just more compliments, more encouragement, more like, I'm so proud of you today, or thank you for working so hard. Appreciation, I guess, goes with that. I just feel like I feel like when you get a compliment that you did something great, it kind of boosts your energy, it kind of boosts your morale, and you're kind of like, oh, I I don't know, I feel good.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Well, and I think celebrating wins too can be like, oh, let's go out to dinner. Like uh I probably am worse at this, but I'm like, hey, today was a good day, work-wise. Let's let's go just go out to dinner and just take our minds off things and over. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:21

I mean, we're both tired. Sometimes you need a break.

SPEAKER_01 16:23

We worked really hard today, let's go celebrate it.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

No, absolutely pretty much every day, but uh we work really hard.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

No, not that we celebrate it, but yes, yes. You could celebrate in easy ways, like let's play a game together tonight. Yeah, let's watch tonight, let's watch it maybe when the kids are in bed, like whatever that is, right?

SPEAKER_01 16:41

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

So, anyways, I hopefully that was helpful. I know I'm exhausted, I know he's exhausted. We're getting older, we're getting more tired. I think of like raising little kids again right now, and I'm like, that's oh tiring. I don't know how we made it through that.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

Well, hopefully we don't have any accidents.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Hopefully. Um, so if you're tired, just I think pat yourself on the back for being awesome. You're tired for a reason, you're doing good things probably. You are working on careers and family and church stuff. I don't know, whatever's wearing you out. Like it's probably really good things, but I think it's important to remember that um your marriage does come first. Absolutely. And you shouldn't be too tired for that. So look at your schedule and be like, what can I cut out so I'm not too tired? And and kind of just stop with the too tired excuses. Because I think if you if you get out of that boredom stage you're talking about and find more excitement and passion and spicing your marriage again, yeah, I feel like you get more energy for your marriage.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

I think you hit it right on the head. Get out of the boredom and you're gonna get more energy. You you really will, right? Get out funny, yeah. Just like when you first got married, you're like, oh, I could stay up till 5 a.m., right?

SPEAKER_00 17:51

We're never tired.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Well, and maybe a little bit younger, but a little younger, but yeah. Oh, we appreciate all of you listening to the podcast. We love the feedback you give us, the emails you give us. Um, let us know how we can help your marriage. Hopefully, these podcasts are are beneficial to you and your relationship. And so, as we say every week until next time, we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

And I'm gonna add to that if you want to give us a review, we would love it. We appreciate your reviews on the podcast. And if you missed um giving your spouse a great Valentine's present, we have some awesome stuff in the shops, and it's never too late to celebrate your love.

SPEAKER_01 18:32

Yeah, it doesn't need to be Valentine's Day.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

No anniversary coming up, birthday coming up, I just love you because I love you kind of gift, you know. Anyways, this podcast is sponsored by shop the ultimate intimacy.com.