Bimboification: The Fetish He's Hiding & How to Make It Work in Your Relationship

What is bimboification — and why are so many people hiding it? Sex and relationship coach Niki Davis-Fainbloom breaks down one of the most misunderstood fetishes out there, where it comes from, and how to explore it in your relationship without the shame spiral. Because the fetish isn't the problem. The shame is.

• What bimboification and cross-dressing fetishes actually are
• The real link between bimboification and drag
• How shame drives desire underground — and the damage it does
• How to tell your partner and actually have it go well
• Low-stakes ways to explore it together

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Transcript

Welcome And New Show Name

SPEAKER_02 0:53

Do the sex.

Viral Scandal And The Hypocrisy

Meet Sex Coach Nikki Davis

SPEAKER_00 0:54

I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chat, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. Welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's Talk Sex with a Net topic is the truth about cross-dressing and bimboification fetishes and kinks. The internet broke last week over a governor's husband and specifically over what he was into. And the reason it went viral wasn't the scandal, it was the hypocrisy. Christy Noam, former U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, made it her mission to legislate LGBTQ people into smaller, harder lives. She banned services for trans people, fought to strip drag shows from college campuses, and signed laws her critics called a license to discriminate, all of it while cheating on her husband, who had a cross-dressing fetish. The very thing she was trying to erase from the public life. Here's what I want you to sit with. Bimboification, the fetish and kink at the center of this story is intimately connected to drag. Same roots, same energy, the same performance of femininity. She was so desperate to legislate off the face of the earth, was living right inside her own home. That is not a punchline, but that's a lesson. Shame does not kill desire. It just drives it underground where it does the most damage. So today we're doing the opposite of everything Christy Gnome stood for. We're shining a light. We're talking openly about bamboofication and cross-dressing fetishes and kinks, what they are, where they come from, and how they can be a healthy, shame-free part of a relationship in society. Every kink deserves education, not legislation. My guest today is Nikki Davis Van Bloom. She's a New York City-based sex and relationship coach with a master's degree in psychology. She's been featured in The Cosmopolitan Refinery 29 and Insider, and she's the author of a forthcoming book on fetishes called Fetish. Smash taboos and celebrate what turns you on. I'm excited for this book. She has personally coached clients with fetishes, and she knows exactly what happens next. Nikki, welcome to Talk Sex with Annette. But before we dive in, I'm going to remind y'all I'm over on OnlyFans and there. I'm sharing my sex and intimacy, how-to's, demonstrations, and audio guided self-pleasure meditations, and so much more. You can find me there and on Substack with my handle at TalkSexWithAnnette. And you can find me everywhere you want to find me and Nikki if you scroll down to the notes below, because I'll have all the links there. Now, Nikki, I'm so excited to have you here for this conversation. Can you tell me and my listeners a little bit more about you?

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Of course. First of all, hi Annette. I'm so excited to be here talking with you today. My work is basically on fetishes and exploring letting go of shame. So I've been a sex educator, writer, and coach in New York over the past 10 years. And over time, I started seeing clients that had different unique desires. So over the past few years, I've focused into making that my niche in helping folks let go of shame, helping folks accept their desires in a world that's still really struggling to be sex positive.

Defining Cross-Dressing And Bimbofication

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Then you absolutely are the perfect guest for this conversation because that's what this conversation is all about. Understanding, in this case, specific fetishes and kinks, and then stripping the shame and secrecy away from them. Because there are so many people who have these fetishes and others and are living in shame and it's very destructive to the self. So this is why you're gonna want to stay to the end. Because, dear listener, either you or somebody in your life most likely has a fetish or a kink that they're too ashamed to talk about, that they may be hiding, it may be forcing them to do exactly what Noam's husband did, which is find outlets behind his family's back. It's a terrible way to have to live. And so by the end of this episode, you're going to have the tools, if it's you, to know how to cope with, how to communicate about your fetisher kink. And if you're someone who doesn't have a fetisher kink, but you're sleeping with someone or you know someone who you think might, you're gonna know how to be a better ally to them and help them through their own process of stripping shame. So I'm ready to talk about bimboefication, cross-dressing, and drag. All right. Let's talk about fetishes and deshaming them. Cheers. Cheers. All right, we're gonna start with the obvious because I think we're all asking bimboefication is I think new to many of us, even if we're pretty sex knowledgeable, like I am. For someone hearing these terms for the first time, what are we actually talking about?

SPEAKER_01 6:46

So when you think of cross-dressing, that's just wearing clothes that are associated with a gender different from your own. And in some levels, bimbo efication is a version of that. It's basically when you have an erotic interest in the idea of being transformed, and it could be transformed physically, transformed psychologically, or even stylistically into a highly sexualized version of a bimbo. So when we think of a bimbo, we think of really large breasts, an exaggerated femininity, lots of makeup, usually showing a lot of cleavage. And then personality-wise, we think of someone who's a little spaced out, but like very excited. So the example I just gave, I was talking in a Huff post about this, was think of legally blonde if she wasn't actually a genius.

SPEAKER_00 7:33

Perfect. Can you explain to me what the difference is then between bimbofication and drag? And what are the similarities?

SPEAKER_01 7:45

Drag is more of a performance for a lot of people. It's like taking on a role. I often think of it to entertain in a lot of ways, whereas bimbofication is specifically a sexual interest related to either being the person that's dressed as a bimbo or enjoying exploring someone else who's dressed as a bimbo.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

In fact, it seems to me that drag is more almost the opposite expression of that hyper-femininity, like more empowered. Most of the time, the performers are singing and dancing and speaking about empowerment around femininity and women and LGBTQ life.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

Yeah. I would agree with that.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

Yeah. Yeah. So there is a tie. They're both cross-dressing fetishes or kinks, correct?

SPEAKER_01 8:34

They're both cross-dressing, yeah. And I think whether or not it is a fetish kind of depends on the person. In my book, I define a fetish as an enduring erotic fascination with a specific body part, body action, or object. And usually these objects of desire are not regarded as sexual by the rest of the population. So when we think of fetishes, they usually begin at a young age. They're usually very specific towards one specific component or one specific thing. And for some people, they function as the only source of arousal for them. And for others, it's one of many. So I think that's something that folks are often misinformed of when it comes to fetishes. And when we look at bimbofication, I think for a lot of people, it's the fantasy they want to explore. And I think for those that would identify as having a fetish, it's something that takes up more of their sexual landscape.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

So drag isn't necessarily at all a fetish or a kink. Is that correct?

SPEAKER_01 9:31

Yeah, it might just be an artistic expression, a fun way to entertain and also smash stereotypes in taking on different roles. But I think that the sexuality component is often not a part of it.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Is this a sexuality issue, a gender issue, or something else entirely?

SPEAKER_01 9:50

I think it really depends on the person and their story. So I think for some people, cross-dressing or more specifically, bambofication is something that's sexual. So they get really turned on seeing how does it feel to have these big breasts or how does it feel to look at photos of those that are taking on this persona. And that leads to an erotic interest. Whereas I think for some people, it's just a fun way to explore gender in a way that might feel affirming to them. It might feel grounding or relieving to take on this new role in a way that feels more connected to their gender. When you're looking at the action itself, you can't really tell whether or not it's a gender or sex thing. So I think the more interesting question to ask folks about it is what function does this serve for the person? So is it a source of sexual gratification? Is it a source of escapism, or is it a source of gender expression and gender identity? And I think when you're just looking at someone who's dressed as a gender different from themselves, in that itself, you can't really know.

Drag Versus Kink And Fetish

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Let's talk about if there is a tie between bimboefication and being trans or becoming trans or being on a trans journey. Are these two connected or are they very separate?

SPEAKER_01 11:05

For the most part, it's two separate things. Because I think when someone is trans, that's how they identify. That's their identity, that's who they are. Whereas when I think of bimbofication, for a lot of people, it's a specific erotic interest that they want to explore for a certain amount of time. They don't feel like that's who they are, but for the most part, they get turned on by exploring this kind of as a role-play dynamic. It can be a kink or a fetish, right? So it's confusing because I think when we think of fetishes, we often think of them as the person needs this to be turned on. But I in the research I did for my book, I interviewed over 200 people who identified with having fetishes. And for a lot of people, it was like, hey, I'm really turned on by sneezing, which is a fetish, and making out and massages. So it's one of those things where I think you can have various desires and have one of them be a fetish. I think what differentiates it is if it's a fetish, it's usually really important to you. It's usually something that starts when you're young and it's usually like a key uh component of desire for you, but maybe not the only one. Whereas, as you said, with kink, it's a little broader. It could be something that maybe you want to explore role-play fantasy, but it's not something that takes up much space in your brain or feels like an essential part of your sexuality.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Okay. And if someone has the bimboification fetish, how might it be showing up in their intimate life?

Sex, Gender, Or Something Else

SPEAKER_01 12:34

I think there's such a difference between how desires show up in your life, depending on if you're in a culture, in a community, in a household where you feel like you can truly express yourself in a way that feels aligned. And in the research for my book, it was really sad because I think a lot of people live in this world where they feel like they have two selves. They have their fetish self and they have their other self. And they're trying to navigate these two worlds because they can't imagine a world where their partner knows about their fetish and they're able to either explore it together or at least explore it in a way where it feels like they don't have to have shame around it because it's an okay part of themselves. So I would say when we're looking at the person where it's a secret, it often leads to some shady behavior. So it often leads to them lying to their partners about what they're doing. It often leads to them having secret laptops or like deleting everything that they look on online so that their partner doesn't see it. It can often lead to them exploring sex workers in a way that feels secretive and feels like when they're doing it, they feel shame, which it can be something that it could explore in a way that would feel really good and aligned, but the problem is the lying. And I think that is the when I see this case, that's the ethical dilemma I see is the lying is the really big part of it. Of how could it be? I don't know, lying to your partner is a really big thing. And I think it sucks because as I said, we don't live in a world where we feel like we can tell our partners everything and have that feel accepted and feel embraced. And I think that's something we need to work on as a culture. And that's a lot of what my book is giving tools to expand your understanding of fetishes and sexuality and create a place that feels safe and accepted. So when we look at the person who is exploring this in a household or community or with their partner in a way that feels aligned and it feels safe, it could involve them exploring it together. So it could involve different role play dynamics where maybe they dress up like bimbos, or maybe they really lean into that character. Maybe they go to an improv class to really be like, how can I be like the best bimbo version of myself and make it like a scene that they explore with their partner? And it could be something that they explore on their own. But if their partner knows about it, instead of having that deep-seated sort of shame, it's just something that you're like, hey, honey, I'm gonna go watch some bimbo porn back here. I'll be back in an hour. And I think that's the dream for those that have different desires is to be able to explore it in a way that feels good. And I think there's a lot of ways to explore it with a partner. There's a lot of ways to explore it by yourself. And there's a lot of ways to use service workers and ways that feel good to also explore it.

Secrecy, Lying, And Relationship Damage

SPEAKER_00 15:09

I love that you bring up that this is closely attached to and sometimes tied directly to a role play kink, enjoying role play. And role play isn't that kinky. A lot of vanilla people do it, right? It is not uncommon in very vanilla sex to participate in role play, whether it's the maid or whatever schools here. Strangers at a bar. Strangers at a bar, roleplay is a great starting point to try and change maybe your views of this fetish. If you saw it on the television last week and you're like, oh my God, that's weird, that's creepy. Most couples at some point explore role play, but I think it's interesting. If you actually take Christine Noam and her husband as a case study, you can actually see the damage that shaming people who have kinks who are LGBTQ, who are different than you can do within your own home, right? Because their relationship, now that the veil is dropped, she's out like fighting against the very thing that he is. He's lying to her and hiding it to maintain their relationship. On some level, she knows the cracks are already there. She's out having an affair. That whole relationship, that whole family facade was just that a facade. Because one person, as far as we know, was being oppressed and shamed into silence. He's watching his wife go out in the most destructive way possible and legislate against the very thing that he is. Clearly, they weren't happy together because she was looking for sex somewhere else. If you use it as a case study, it is a perfect view of the outcome of sexual shame and what it can do to a household, a family.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

And it's so sad to hear that story. It makes me think of an interview I did for my book where I asked someone sort of the effect of sharing his desires with others. And he was like, sometimes it goes great, sometimes divorce. So it's like, it's a really scary thing to tell a partner, a part of you that kind of as society we're told is wrong. And I think that one real consequence of doing that is it could lead to the end of that relationship, but you leading the more aligned life. But I agree that sort of that story is such a great and horrible case study of exactly what secrecy and shame can do to a family.

Where Fetishes Come From

SPEAKER_00 18:44

It's a great case study of the worst case scenario. But what concerns me about it, I love that we can, as content creators and writers and sex and intimacy coaches, we can look at it, we can pull it apart, and we can use it as a teaching tool. But what worries me about it is it hits the headlines. And the reason why it explodes is because of all of the negative things about it. He was lying and hiding. So it makes it look creepy and gross and like in the shadow. So now it stigmatizes the bamboo vacation fetish and the cross-dressing fetishes even more. She was out there cheating and like clearly being a hypocrite, even if people see things the same way she seemed to, it still makes it all look worse. And where all of that shame and disgust gets focused is on the fetish, not the people and the decisions they were making and trying to push on other people. But what I think we can do now is look at the best case scenario, right? First of all, when there's shame present in any relationship that has to do with sex or sexual preference, and this can happen at a much like lower level. I've known couples where one shames the other for masturbating, where one shames the other for watching porn, where one shames the other for wanting to explore anal sex. It starts there. And when that shame takes place, then people start doing that in secrecy. Now you've got a lie that's formed. Now it makes masturbating or watching porn or playing with your own butthole look even more bad because you're lying about it. So the opposite approach to this is looking at these things and asking ourselves, why are we deeming that bad and stripping the shame away from them? How do we start to do that as a society and as individuals in our own relationship?

SPEAKER_01 20:56

The really great first step towards that is education as to where the desires come from. Because I think there's so much mystery around it. And I think there's also just a lot of stigma that if someone has an uncommon desire, it's because they've experienced trauma or something negative has happened. So in my book, the first few chapters are going through the different ways that desires can develop. When you're looking at bambofication, there's a couple of sort of interesting ways. When we look at in our culture, what we find sort of prevalent and sexy in pop culture, it's still a version of bimbofacation. It's like a woman with larger breast, who's like very relaxed, very mild-tempered, but happy and has this extreme sort of curvature in their body. And when you look at where fetishes come from, basically the first step is being exposed to it. So something like quicksand used to be in the movies a lot in the 90s, like Indiana Jones time. And it's not in movies anymore. But there's this like fascinating research that during that time, there was a huge uptick in folks that said they would have quicksand fetishes just because they were exposed to it when they were young. And similarly, if you look at folks that are turned on by pregnancy, it's like if you are an older sibling and you witness your mother getting pregnant, then you're more likely to have that desire. So I feel like that starts to make things feel less random when you're like, it's actually really normal to eroticize what you're exposed to in the culture that we're in. And I think that through that, through understanding where the fetish can come from, instead of seeing it as this negative part of yourself or this thing you need to feel shame around, it's reminding you that we live in a world where people have all types of desires. I just interviewed someone who's turned on by wet floor signs and made like an instructional manual of so you want to have sex with a wet floor sign, this is how to do it. The fact that this person is able to feel okay about their fetish is an incredible thing. So I would say the first step is whatever version of education, and that could also be looking at your sexual past. So when we're thinking of cross-dressing, I interviewed someone who the first time they ever masturbated, it was in their mom's closet and it was just surrounded by all of her like leggings. So just the fact that her like spandex, I don't know exactly what it was called, but like some type of material that women often wear. And the first time they masturbated, it was right beside that. And then that sort of forever linked those two experiences. And I think that's often how fetish's form is basically whatever happens to be around during your early sexual experiences that can become paired with your sexuality moving onward in your life.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Yeah. Yeah, it would make sense that. I was thinking his age and like the 80s and everything that was sexualized, like the women that were on the posters all had some of that bimbo efication looking. Exactly. No wonder.

SPEAKER_01 23:57

Of course, that's what you're masturbating to the first time that I think that is a really good first step is to be like, wait, this actually makes a lot of sense. And even the most out there fetish can make a lot of sense when you look at the person's early experiences, when you look at the culture that they're being raised in. And I think the most difficult thing is we live in a world that kind of creates this really tiny box of what sex should be, like missionary sex, not a lot of talking for procreation. Like I think we're slowly expanding that box in various areas. But I think a lot of people still feel like, as you said, even wanting to put a finger in your butt, like something like that, that to us we're like, yeah, sounds great. But that can take up so much space in their brain and can make them feel like there's something wrong with them for that. So I would say the first step is to just get educated about whatever it is that you think is an uncommon desire for you. Like maybe do some research as to is it more common than you think? There's over 5,000 people who are turned on by balloons. They're called ballooners and they have this amazing online site that kind of goes into that. So I do think realizing you're not alone is part of that first step, too. And realizing that there's a lot of other people out there that have all types of desires. And then I think the next step is working on identifying what shame is. Because I think because we're such complicated humans with so much going on, we might not even realize that's the feeling that we have. And I think naming it can help separate it from you. So if you get to a place where you're able to name, wow, that feeling I'm having right now is shame. And it's because I just masturbated it because I was walking down the street and I got enamored by these giant breasts, and then I had trips or whatever it is. I think the first step is to get to a place where you're able to articulate that.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

That's first that starts with the self. This starts with the person. 100%. Know that you've got something very particular that you are into that turns you on and arouses you that falls outside of what we've been taught conventionally sex should look like, which by the way is so limited. So limited that nobody can enjoy doing that for life. I don't think. I know some of you can. I'm so sorry, not shaming you for being like that being your thing, but that's like this many of the people out there. And sex can be so expansive. So figuring out what it is, naming it, and then exploring it, right?

Naming Shame And Rewiring Beliefs

SPEAKER_01 26:33

Before exploring it, realizing if you have beliefs that you hold about it that are not helping you, and doing a little bit of it doesn't have to be cognitive behavioral therapy, but some version of, hey, I feel like I am bad because I just masturbated, or whatever those negative thoughts are, identifying them and thinking about is there an alternative way to think about these things? Is there a more expansive way to think about it? And basically rewiring your brain takes a really long time. So especially if you were raised in a religious household or you were taught that sex is this tiny thing and what you have is outside of that, it can take a really long time to tell your brain that actually it's okay. And I often tell clients to write down a list of like, why is it okay that you're turned on by this thing? And they can look at that list whenever they feel their mind going into a negative shame spiral. And also knowing that it can change. Cause I think a lot of us feel like things always will be the way they are, and we don't realize the amazing plasticity of our brain and the fact that we're able to think about things in a new way and to think of it as work, as something that kind of takes a while to work on. So I think that's a really powerful step before the exploration phase so that you can feel maybe not all of the time, but at least a lot of the time, feel okay and at peace with the desires that you have. And I work with a lot of clients for years brainstorming. Do I tell my partner? Should this be secret? How do I manage that? Because it can end relationships. And I think that's a really big real thing. And I don't want to just say everyone should yell their fetishes to the street. Because for some people, if you do a cost-benefit analysis because of the world we're living in, if they tell their partner, it might blow up their family and do all these crazy things. So I think the step is to how do you figure out what is right for you based on the way you feel? And I think that disclosure goes so much better if you're in a place of peace with yourself. So instead of being like, I have this thing, it's really embarrassing, it's really weird. I like feet. If you can reframe that as I have this kind of cool thing that excites me, I'd love to share that with you. Can you share with me your desires? I think that kind of opens up a conversation that's a lot more likely to go well.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

It is a different place to address something when you are already at peace with and have the words for and the mind frame for advocating for yourself. Right. When you try to address something with someone else and you're still unsure yourself or you're still holding some of that self-shame, your position is vastly weakened. And who knows where that might be taken. I guess to me, it sounds like it's ideal too to, if you can, to do this prior to getting into a relationship. So that when you are dating and deciding whether you're going to be with someone, you can bring it up. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 30:32

Yeah. I that makes me think of I work with someone who had a fart fetish. And for years, he would only bring it up when he was drunk at the bar because personally he felt a lot of shame around it. And that's just like the worst possible way to go about it. And then in time, he did all his internal work. He did a lot of therapy and he got to a place being like, hey, I'm turned on by something that's not that common. Not everyone will be down with this. But no matter what, I feel okay that rejection will happen and I feel okay with who I am. And now he's in this place where he found another partner who she doesn't have the exact same desire, but she's turned on by his desire. So they're able to explore it together. And I just talked to him. He went on a vacation where they like brought a lot of beans and had a lot of farting. And it's that's the dream. And I think with any desire, you're gonna find someone that is open to exploring it with you. But so much of it is to have that internal work done soon. And I think the problem is oftentimes desire is something that evolves throughout our lifetime. So we might already be married when we're in the place of, hey, wait, this is actually really important to me.

SPEAKER_00 31:39

Do some of these arise later in life? Did Christy Gnome's husband wake up one day in the middle of a marriage and go, hey, I'm into this thing? Can that happen? Or are these typically things, because it sounds like with a fetish, these start early in life and people just are so ashamed of them and hide them and then get into relationships, and there they are, stuck in a relationship where they can't or don't feel like they can talk about them. Can these actually show up in the middle of your life, midlife?

SPEAKER_01 32:11

So I think what is most common is the desire starts early, and usually it starts not even as a desire, but as a like fascination with something. And then as their sexuality develops, they're like, oh wait, this is also sexy. And I think for the most part, it exists throughout their life. But what can change sometimes is how important it feels. So it could be something that's like stagnant in the back of their brain. Oh, this is cool, this is interesting. Maybe every few months they'll go watch porn in the corner and masturbate to it, but it might not feel like it's a full, huge part of themselves that they're hiding. And then oftentimes they might reach a point where it becomes more important to them. Or it's like they're just so tired of being stuck in the shame cycle, stuck in secrecy, and eventually they might hit a breaking point of being like, I need to leave this relationship, or I need to tell my partner, or I'm gonna be less careful in my usage because I feel like this is important to me. And that kind of leads it to blowing up faster.

When Shame Turns Into Self-Policing

SPEAKER_00 33:09

Something that just occurred to me is this it's interesting to me in this case, with Christy Noam and her husband. This is again, I want to go back to worst-case scenario. A woman who is bent on oppressing people who have kinks, fetishes, different lifestyles than her, who might cross-tress, who are into drag, who are LGBTQ, who are trans. She was aggressively angry and hateful towards those people. And here she is married to someone who fits under that umbrella. And it makes me wonder if he has so much shame about his own proclivities, fetishes, interests, that he actually sought out someone who would verify those feelings of shame, right? And almost force him to comply with heteronormativity, with vanilla life, and then at some point, we all know, right? We all know that breaks at some point, and that's what we're seeing here. I think about in how many of the conservative households there are hidden kinks. There is, let's just talk about grinder, and every time there's a Republican it breaks down, and so many of the men attending the Republican convention are looking for men that they can go out and have sex with. How many of the people from conservative parties get caught with their pants down getting a blowjob in bathrooms? Right? It's almost as though people seek out to correct their own interests and identities by trying to conversion therapy. Almost a conversion therapy for themselves.

SPEAKER_01 35:16

Yeah. That's a wild thought.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

It makes sense. It makes sense. Folks, it doesn't fucking work. You don't need to do that. You can just embrace who you are. There are so many others of us out here, and we are lovely folks. Do we look pretty good? Yeah, I don't know. As you were talking, I just thought to myself, how do you how did he end up marrying someone that was so hateful about such a key part of who he was? And I don't think, and again, I'm using them as a case study or as an example of what I think is fairly common for people who do have kinks and fetishes, but don't wish that they didn't. Where it sounds like a lot of the people that come to you are like have this kink or this fetish, and I want to figure out how to make it positive part of my life as a whole.

SPEAKER_01 36:17

Yeah, exactly. How to integrate the parts of selves in a way that feels cohesive so they can wake up in the morning and be like, I have a fetish and I have a partner who knows about. And I have a plan of how to explore it in a way that feels consensual and ethical and doesn't hurt anyone. And I think that it can feel impossible if you're stuck in a marriage where your partner isn't open or even blatantly hates on the things that turn you on. It's hard to envision that that's not the only way it can be.

SPEAKER_00 36:46

I'll say one thing that I always say on this podcast: if you cannot talk to the person you are sleeping with about sex and about what you want, then you should not be sleeping with them. I will say it again and again and again. Like I truly believe that because it's so key to who you are and you deserve to be loved and accepted for exactly who you are. You started to hint at this with your story about your clients who had the farting fetish. I just thought to myself, if I found that out about my partner, I would be free farting left and right. It would really relieve a lot of people. Such a relieve. I'm like that I'd get mad about that. Yeah. I feel like I'd be like, I guess I don't need to hold this fart in for the next three hours on our third date. You know what I mean? Like I feel like my gastrointestinal system would be so happy.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

But I wonder if it's if you're gonna have sex with someone, should you also feel free to fart around them? Because that's a tough line.

SPEAKER_00 37:44

Probably. It's I don't know. Maybe not, I don't know. But oh God, it's always like the first part of a relationship is always stressful in the gas area. Can we start to wrap this up with how stripping the shame from a fetish and integrating it into a relationship can look beautiful and healthy and fun and lead to a fulfilled life for everybody involved?

SPEAKER_01 38:11

Yeah. So I would say the first thing is the disclosure conversation because I think that has the power to either shut someone out even more or create a space where they feel open and they feel okay. And I think it's really hard for the person who hears that their partner has this desire sometimes, because it can feel like they've been keeping a secret from them. And it can feel like they thought they knew their partner and now they don't. And I think that in that moment, what you have to do is remind yourself that if Jim really liked frozen pizza before, like he still likes frozen pizza now. And if like all the things you know about him are the same, this is just an addition to it. And I think that's hard and it takes a little while. And I think that it's easy to immediately feel offended or feel like if you were a good partner, then your partner would have been able to tell you a long time ago. Like sometimes people put it on themselves for having some role in that. But I would recommend in that moment, just being curious, giving space, trying to not react right away. And even to be like, I need to process this. Can we talk about this in a few days? Because I think we often feel like with relationship situations, we have to get to the bottom of it right away. But I do think that it takes a little while to process. And I think for the person with the fetish, sometimes it's hard to realize how that can feel for their partner for the first time, learning this about them. So I would just say kind of patience. And then when the time is right, asking questions. And if your partner has a fetish, kind of thinking about for you, is there any version of this you would be open to exploring? And knowing that there are really baby steps that you can take. So you don't have to go all the way. It could be just getting in a place where you know your partner's thinking about the fetish and you're watching them masturbate. Or there are like lots of little steps you can take towards exploring this and knowing the power of that to help your partner let go of any more shame that they have, to be like, this is okay. Even if it's just them telling you that they're exploring it on their own and you being like, that's okay. I respect this part of you. For me, I don't want to explore it with you, but I'm really glad you told me. Something like that can really change the trajectory in terms of the way their partner's thinking about their fetish.

How Disclosure Can Go Well

SPEAKER_00 40:29

Can we give an example specifically of the bimbo efication? Yes. How could this have looked differently than it did in the situation that's now very public?

SPEAKER_01 40:41

Yeah. So someone could talk to their partner and be like, hey, I have this desire. I'm really starting these conversations of, I'd love to have a night where we go out and talk about fantasies together. So thinking of it as a fun date that you could have instead of this shameful secret that needs to be revealed. And then during that date, they could have even started by asking their partner, hey, do you have any turn-ons that you haven't told me about? Or I really want to make all your fantasies come true. I'd love to hear about them. And then when the partner asked them, kind of being like, hey, this is a desire of mine. And I think knowing how important it is essential before having this conversation, is it that you just want your partner to know, or does it feel like this is an essential part of a relationship for you and you'd only feel comfortable moving forward if there's some way to explore it together? And then the person who's receiving that information, I think the first thing is they should make no assumptions about their identity. So realizing that because they have a bimbofocation fetish, that doesn't mean that they identify as being a woman or anything like that. It just means that this is a desire that they have. And then being curious of, hey, I wonder if that was from like you were raised during these movies and like this is the culture that you're raised around. Do you think that's where it came from? Would be like a great question. Or kind of just thanking them for sharing them and sharing and opening up. And then depending on how the partner feels, maybe being like, I'd like to open up learning more about the fetish and potentially playing some type of role in that exploration with you.

SPEAKER_00 42:10

So if you have a partner who is into bimbo efication or cross-dressing, let's talk about an entry point for a partner to participate in a way that's low stakes.

SPEAKER_01 42:22

Yeah. Yeah. So I think there's a couple. One could be maybe they watch porn together. Maybe the partner that has the fetish shows their favorite bimbofication porn and they watch it together. I think mirror play is interesting if you're taking on a new role. So if one partner is turned on by them, dress like a bimbo, then maybe they dress like a bimbo and look in the mirror. And maybe initially it's not sexual. It's just being like, hey, this is like a role play that I want to explore with you. This is how I would look. And then it can be baby steps from there. It's do you want to create a whole character and go to improv and make this be like a fun thing that you explore every once in a while or not?

SPEAKER_00 43:03

I love that. That's like definitely a step-by-step. And there's introducing role play. Everybody does it. Not everybody, not everybody, but most of people do it. And that was a really good clear breakdown with this specific fetish of how you can introduce it to your partner and then escalate things as is comfortable and take part in it. And then you just take this method of approach and you can apply it to almost any fetish or geek, right? Low stakes, how do I get involved? I can read about it. And I love that you said if someone brings this to you, so if you are the person finding out that your partner has a fetish, just get curious. One thing I have found in my own journey is things that used to seem weird or scary, or I was like, ooh, I've said ooh about a lot of things. I'm not gonna lie. What changed that was education and exposure. And the more that I educated myself about it and I exposed myself to people who had interests or did those things, the less I felt that way. And the more I was like, oh, makes sense, right? And the more I realized the majority of people I run into throughout my life have had some non-vanilla interest. It's almost in my mind, it's maybe you should disclose on the first date if you're completely vanilla. And I actually have had people do that with me. They've been like, I think you should know I'm pretty vanilla. And I've been like, oh, okay. That might be a that might be a barrier. And if we go forward with an intimate relationship, I'm not sure how that would work out for you.

SPEAKER_01 44:50

I agree with you. And I find that I work with a lot of clients where in our first session they say they're vanilla. And then you dig a little deeper. And I think everyone has different desires that are unique to them. And it could be that for them, they're really turned on by eye contact and being told that they're love. And I think that in itself is not vanilla. It's just like a different way to connect. Do you know what I mean? And I think that it's if we were in a world where everyone had a class on fantasy and they were able to work on articulating for them how they like to connect best and explore it. I don't think there's anyone, I feel like vanilla doesn't exist. It's just like various levels of interest in various things.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

Yeah. That's an interesting take. I just don't think we're sitting and talking about it enough. As couples, when we couple up, we don't sit and just go, okay, let's just sit here for 20 minutes straight and go back and forth about things we've masturbated to, thought about, we're interested in trying, or we've tried. No judgment. We're gonna go rapid fire, right? Yeah. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 45:56

I have a yes, no, maybe list that I give folks if they sign up on my website. And I think it's a really good thing to do in the first few dates with someone just to see where are your interests, what do you want to explore, what have you explored, and is there enough overlap to feel like the future is exciting and aligned?

Low-Stakes Ways To Explore Together

SPEAKER_00 46:13

Yeah, that should happen in the first couple of dates if you plan on having sex, folks. It really should. Because then you don't wake up one day married to someone who is making laws against all the people doing the things you're doing. Exactly. Nightmare. What a fucking nightmare. I can't imagine it getting to that extent. Yeah. Right? That's what shame does, guys. That's what lacked. Of sex positivity and pleasure-based sex education does. One day you wake up and you are married to someone in control of the country's laws who's making what you're doing in your secret time illegal. Don't get to that point, folks. Yeah. Too late. We are at that point where I would love for you to give my listeners some tips so they don't end up in a situation, anything like that, where they are in a relationship where the shame is so deep and dark that you have to hide from the people around you to get your needs met and stay safe. So if you could give tips both for the person with the fetish and the person who may be dating someone with a fetish to help them have the most fulfilled life together possible, I'd love that.

Practical Tips And Where To Find Nikki

SPEAKER_01 47:38

Yeah, of course. So I would say if you're the person with the fetish, I would say learn about it with curiosity in yourself, the same way you want your partner to react is start by thinking about I wonder where this came from, and maybe even doing some research as to who else is out there who has a similar desire. And then I would also journal about what specifically about the fetish turns you on. Because I think that's interesting to learn about yourself and to make it this curiosity explorative thing. So instead of just feeling bad about it, pretend you're looking at a friend who's turned on by something different. And you're like being like, huh, I'm curious about this. Let's get to know them better. And I think that mindset of openness and curiosity in yourself is really powerful in letting go of shame and is also really powerful in having these conversations with your partner. And with shame, I think a really powerful tool is naming it as shame, naming it as something that's separate from you and starting to notice when you feel it and why you feel it, and starting to write that down. And if you always feel it when you interact with your grandma, why is that? Kind of researching yourself as to what the triggers are for this feeling and telling yourself that you have the power to change your neuroplasticity, but it takes time and it's something that you really need to work on a daily basis. So when you do experience shame, how can you have some reframes ready? If you feel like I am bad because I have this fetish, can you write a list of why it's actually okay? Finding like a that you will find a partner that will be able to accept you. And that if your partner isn't able to accept this part of you, then that's a really big kind of important barrier to think about and to be conscious of. So is there a friend you have that's really open that you feel like you can tell the desire to and they would be able to hold that? Is it that you want to comment on a Reddit thread about it and tell people your story and feel less alone that way? Is it that you just want to kind of journal about something you haven't journaled about before? And when you're journaling, maybe take pretend you're a friend learning about you and take that open, honest approach and see if that can help the way you shift it.

SPEAKER_00 50:06

Also, yeah, there are communities for most fetishes out there, at least online communities. For sure. An online community or even which will lead you probably to in-person communities too, where you can actually get together and talk to other people who have the same interests, which is a great dating pool to be part of.

SPEAKER_01 50:25

100%. Yeah, they have an in-person Comic-Con for those that are turned on by being giants and tiny folks. So it's like whatever community or fetish you have, there's probably hundreds or thousands or millions of people with that same fetish out there. And I think that can really help when you're feeling alone and you're feeling like you're the only one that's dealing with this, to reach out and see other people's experiences and also share advice on how to explore the fetish. I connected two women who had a sneezing fetish to talk about how to explore it with their partner and like the best ways to make someone sneeze. And it's just it's so beautiful and wonderful, the world of fetishes that exists out there.

SPEAKER_00 51:07

And then one quick takeaway, and you have named a lot throughout this conversation, but your number one tip for the person finding out that their partner has a fetish.

Final Takeaways And Closing Cheers

SPEAKER_01 51:21

I would say the number one tip is curiosity instead of judgment. And you might feel those judgmental thoughts. And remember, that's because we live in a world that is not positive towards fetishes. And I think you might have to do some work if this is the partnership you want to stay in in terms of unlearning that and in terms of getting to a place of acceptance.

SPEAKER_00 51:45

Maybe you should buy my book. Which I am excited to have come out. And hopefully I will get a copy and we'll bring you back to talk about that book because I think it would be an amazing share with my listeners. So we will keep an eye out for it. But until then, can you tell my listeners where they can find you, get in touch with you, follow you, et cetera?

SPEAKER_01 52:06

Yeah, totally. So my Instagram is Miss Bloom Sex Educator, M-I-S-S. And I host a lot of sex positive events in Brooklyn and in New Orleans. So I host body paint dance parties, sensory nights, kinky carnival, all kinds of stuff. So feel free to add me on there. And in terms of folks who have a fetish or are interested in talking about that, I offer a free 15-minute consultation. And the way to book that is to check out my website, which is nikidavisf.com, N-I-K-I-D-A-V-I-S-F.com. And you can book a consult there, or you can even reach out via DM, and that works fine.

SPEAKER_00 52:46

She's the gal to talk to you, folks. That's for sure. Thank you so much for joining us today. I feel like I've learned a lot from this conversation. And hopefully we've helped destigmatize Bimboification, shown a light on it, and just fetishes in general, so that my listeners and other people can have a more shame-free, fulfilled sex life. So thank you so much for joining today.

SPEAKER_01 53:16

Thanks so much for having me.

SPEAKER_00 53:17

It was so fun talking to you. And my listeners. Until next time, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers. Chow, ciao.