A Force To Be Reckoned With
A Force To Be Reckoned With
208. Thank You For Your Support: Behind the Scenes of Our Foster Care Journey - Part 1
This week on the podcast we are sharing about our foster care journey. So many of you have been deeply invested through prayer, lending a helping hand, and checking in. We know that so much of our story has been fragmented due to the rollercoaster of it all and also privacy.
With that, we are finally ready to share a 3 episode series covering our podcast journey from the call to start all the way to where we are two years later.
Thank you to those of you who have invested in us. We are so appreciative!
Episode Highlights:
- The move back to Ohio.
- Praying for community & a home church.
- Following God's lead.
- Our introduction to Foster Care.
- Building a relationship with the bio family.
- The goal is reunification.
- Doing what’s right despite what others think.
Links Mentioned in Episode/Find More on A Force to Be Reckoned With:
- Jointheforce.us
- Follow us on Instagram @bethanyadkins
- Find us on Youtube!
This show has been produced by Adkins Media Co.
We are at war and it's not against our neighbors, spouses, children, politicians or whatever else we feel like we're battling against.
Speaker 2:So the questions are who's the fight against, and are we winning or losing? We're the Adkins, and we are a force to be reckoned with. Are you ready to join the force? All right, hi guys, hope you're having a good week. Let's see when is this coming out? End of august, augustth, if we have our schedule correct.
Speaker 1:We're going to be a year older then.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, we are. This is one of the last episodes we're recording at these ages 32 and 36. You're getting real close to 40.
Speaker 1:At what age do you stop telling people how old you are as a woman?
Speaker 2:I mean, I've been telling people I'm 33 for like a year because I thought I was, but I'm actually only 32. So oh my goodness yeah, okay, so we hope that you guys are having a good week you don't look a day over 31, okay people think I'm in my 20s, so so, um, okay, we hope that you guys are having a good week. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or what.
Speaker 2:I think that it's a combination of, like, my youthful look and also my immature behavior, but I don't know, perfect storm yeah, alright, this episode has been a one that has been a long time coming, and I have like dreamed about doing this episode for a year now, but I would say this time last year I never thought it would be a reality. It was always a hope, but never a reality yeah, we didn't.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean in the midst of it, you don't know what's going to happen.
Speaker 2:Right, so we are going to talk about our foster care journey and I've had this episode outlined for like a month or so now.
Speaker 2:I've been doing, you know, just our normal like lifestyle posts on Instagram, but the foster care ones have been getting a lot of attention and so people with that like people have sent in messages and so many of you have been invested in our foster care journey for the last two years and we have shared bits and pieces and I'm sure it's been kind of fragmented and confusing, because it's been even confusing to us living it and knowing all the details and so we just want to, we want to share this journey and the whole heart.
Speaker 2:It's going to be two episodes. We're going to try and keep them relatively healthy length, but the whole heart in it is that so many of you have been invested in this story and god has given us this, like. I mean, he's given us the privilege to witness this story, to be a part of this story, and it's only through him that we've had that privilege and it's just one. That is it. It just feels like where it was the story that was written because it was meant to be shared, to make a difference in the world.
Speaker 1:It's been a wild ride.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so our hope through this is that not necessarily foster family recruitment. But so many of you have messaged asking questions about our specific case and wondering about getting licensed and so, yeah, that is one of our hopes. We became licensed by getting a front row seat to somebody else's foster care journey.
Speaker 2:And so we're going to talk about that a little bit today. Licensed by getting a front row seat to somebody else's foster care journey, and so we're going to talk about that a little bit today. But also because you know, this is just not, there's not a lot of awareness around foster care. There there is a lot of awareness, but it's um there is and there isn't there is and there isn't.
Speaker 2:there's a lot of people trying to put awareness out into the world. There is and there isn't. There is and there isn't. There's a lot of people trying to put awareness out into the world, and then there's a lot of people who still have no idea what foster care is or how it works or anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think a lot of times the information gets stuck in bubbles when you think about it. It's like a lot of other things right, Like things become like people are interested in it. So then they like they'll follow the foster care stuff. So then people creating content, podcasts, social media stuff, People who are already foster.
Speaker 1:Right. It's like it's like fitness or something you know what I mean. Like you follow a few fitness people and that stuff keeps coming up, but like the people that aren't't into fitness, like the algorithm doesn't feed you fitness stuff, it feeds you the yeah, you know whatever stuff you're into. So we're like people are putting information out there, but I feel like within a lot with a lot of things, it it's not breaking through the wall of the bubble that people live in because of you know the algorithms and the community that people are in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, so we're just gonna, we're gonna dive in and we're gonna share a lot more details than we have in the past, but just know that we have been very prayerful over this. We've had conversations with the kid's mom about this and also, as much as we're sharing, there's still so much that we're not. And so, just out of respect for them and for our kids and for our family and for their mom, and because legally, as a licensed foster family, we aren't allowed to, just, you know, go out and share this information, um, there is, there are some things that we can't share.
Speaker 1:But so yeah, if it sounds like some things were edited, it's because we said them and then we realized that we need to be protectful of either our family or people involved or the county.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, so here we go. So we were back in 2018 living in California running a business. Through a series of events which we've shared on the podcast before, just felt called to move back home. We've had, we had a couple of family tragedies and then, when we moved home, we had another family tragedy and at the time we loved California, we were having a blast, but Corey just was like we have to move home, we have to move home, we have to move home. And I was very resistant because I loved our life in California. It was very comfortable, it was very fun. We were 30 to 40 minutes from the beach. I got to drive to LA every, you know, multiple times a week. Our son was acting. We were making good money.
Speaker 1:In some ways it was comfortable.
Speaker 2:It was yeah, it was yes, it was hard because we were running a business. Yeah, but there were a lot of luxuries in California that were very special to us because we didn't have them in Ohio.
Speaker 1:We had a great church.
Speaker 2:It was just great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and like this thing called the sun, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, anyway, around 2019, we uh, I mean relative we moved home pretty it wasn't abrupt, but it was. Like you know, we ended up moving. It was planned out, it was planned Um, and it still didn't make a ton of sense. But, all that to say, we moved home, moved into apartment, decided we were going to, you know, get out of debt. That's what the whole podcast started around and just talking about our lives and all that.
Speaker 2:Well, I was so frustrated moving home from California because I thought we had a great community out there and we did, and we had a great church, and so my one of my prayers for moving home was just Lord, give us. I don't understand why you would give us that community in California and then basically uproot us again Like we've never really been rooted. So please just give us that community, and that was my prayer even before leaving California.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and honestly, at that time we didn't think that we would like. We thought it'd be really hard to find the community and the church that we had.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I was just like, yeah, I was frustrated, I was angry, we were. It was like kind of lonely at me yeah, I was angry at.
Speaker 2:Corey, and so that was just my prayer and but still, like for the first year, I just really wanted to move back to California. So I had all these walls up friends that were like pretty close with. Now I have one that will even say like you were like so rude when we first moved back and and I didn't mean to be, but I just like in my mind had it like there's no point in getting connected here because we're going back to California.
Speaker 1:Wait a minute. Who said that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and she's like I tried to like make conversation with you and you just would like plow through the door and not make eye contact and I'm like, well, I just didn't want to like make friends and then be ripped away again. But anyway, we have a great relationship now, we're good friends and yeah. So, anyway, all of that to say, we did end up getting um planted in a community and and it and this whole story is like steps of following these breadcrumbs that God sends out to you. So we moved home. Didn't make sense, but we felt the leading. We started the podcast.
Speaker 1:And I just want to say that, through all of this, guys, the one thing that links everything that we're talking about and going through our story now especially looking back, like now, especially looking back was just simply us being obedient to what God was calling us to do. There have been you'll hear it throughout there are lots of times where we don't understand why we don't want to do it, and we have learned through these things that just living a life on mission is hard. You don't always see what's going on, but just following the creator and the author of this story, it's the best way to live, even though it gets harder. It's harder than a lot of times. You're gonna see this thread throughout our story. So, honestly, I hope that, even if we, you know whenever we die, that if people could just say one thing about us would be that we lived our life following what god was calling us to do it's like they were crazy they were crazy, they were weird they were weird, but they were obedient.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they were obnoxious, but they were. I'm fine with any of that um, and we don't say that pridefully like oh, oh well, we're just obedient. You're not Like obedience is so hard.
Speaker 1:And we spent the first eight years of our marriage not being obedient and being selfish, and there's lots of times where we're still not and God has to remind us. And when I think of it that way, way like, I say it because it's like it's humbling, because like when, when people, well, people say things even about and I know I'm getting a little off the top but people will say like, oh, you know, it's so awesome what you guys are doing, it's like for me I don't, it's not me, so I don't want that to be put on me.
Speaker 2:that like honestly, I'm doing something. Hard to hear that it's when people say that because it's like one it's. It's actually like really hard and anybody can do it, because if we can do it, literally anybody can do it. If you saw inside of our lives, you would be like, oh, if the adkins can do this, we can do it.
Speaker 2:And then the other thing is like I don't want any credit no, because it's not because if it was left to me, I I probably wouldn't have done any of this stuff yeah, and so when you get into that place of where you really truly understand obedience, like it doesn't make sense, it's hard, but it's very um peacegiving because you're following god's lead and, uh, it's not you know that he's got your back and it's so much better than following your own, so I don't want to go off on a tangent too much.
Speaker 2:But so, anyway, we moved back, started our podcast, and it's crazy because had we not started our podcast, we never would have reached out to Lisa Robertson.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was back with the Adkins highlight reel. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And we ended up. I found this lady who on Instagram and she had a really powerful story A mutual friend of ours like shared something and I just reached out and was asked to interview her on our podcast and she had a really powerful story. It was about infertility, but really I didn't realize at the time. It ended up being about foster care and little did I know. We've talked about this on the podcast. She lived right down the street from us. I mean, I didn't even. I think I knew she lived in Ohio, but I didn't know that she lived in Hartville.
Speaker 2:And then I also didn't know. Our kids were in the same home room. So then COVID hit. We became friends, we started homeschooling our kids together and here we are, you know, four, almost five years later and we're there's her. She and her family are some of our dearest friends. But she introduced us to this community of families and they were all wonderful and we just started doing life with them. But the crazy thing is they were all foster parents all foster families.
Speaker 1:We were the only ones, I think, that weren't.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And so just over the next two years we spent time in community with these people and got really close to many of them and we just kind of caught this bug. We first started with just getting a front row seat to their lives and their adopted kids and their foster kids, and we kind of got this heart to serve, like we wanted to take the meals when they got new placements. We offered to babysit, we offered to do respite, and and my heart like quickly shifted to like, oh, I feel like we should maybe do this. I mean, I would say it probably took about six months and I was hesitant at first because my family did foster care and I just I was like I'm never going to do that. But so it took me about six months and I was like, corey, I think we need to do this. And then for the next like year and a half where I was like digging his heels in and like no, we're not doing this. And so do you just want to do like quick yeah.
Speaker 1:I just quickly yeah, I just I didn't. I hadn't, I didn't grow up with it, I didn't have any experience with foster care. When I thought of foster care, I thought of weirdos honestly that you guys have heard me say this but I thought of weirdos and crocs and sweatpants with the same haircuts. It was like a bowl cut or something you know, and like all this weird stuff that you would stereotype around foster care. But I hadn't had any experience. So to meet a community of people that were you know quote unquote normal people what I mean by that is like if you looked out, if you just saw these people in our community, you wouldn't know that they did foster care you know, like they were just seemed normal.
Speaker 1:so to see that I I think you know, started working, working on me, but I still just didn't want to do it. You know, like the timing was off, you know, buying a house financially, you just you start making excuses, and they can be very rational and valid excuses, but I just didn't, I didn't want to do it. And then the last piece for me that I was still hanging on to is that it was. I knew it was going to be hard and I think there was a part of me that was just trying to protect myself because I get connected to kids. I've always loved kids.
Speaker 1:If you look back at any part of my story coaching, I went to school to be a teacher it all spurred out of this love of kids and helping kids and hanging out with kids and teaching them and all of these things and to get connected to somebody and then have to say goodbye, potentially forever. I didn't want any part of that. That was very hard for me, but God worked on my heart and I knew that was what he wanted us to do, and so I had to relinquish my desires, my self-protection, and just trust God.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And so I mean with that like, like I said, six months and I was like ready to do it and it took Corey a year and a half and I feel like this whole, these two episodes there's so many topics that we could dive deeper in and it of what we're going to do is scratching the surface today, because we we could talk for like 10 hours about the last two years, but in that, like 18 months, I just, you know, I had my friends encourage me. Obviously this isn't something that you can do when, um, you're not both on board, and so if you're in that place where one of the spouses isn't on board, I would just encourage you, have, um, have your friends pay for you, pray for your spouse and pray together and be okay with not being on the same page.
Speaker 2:Because, also, I just look back now and I even think that of if we had jumped in right when I was ready and Corey wasn't like God, it all happened in God's perfect timing. And the the kids that we, you know, got perfect timing, and the the kids that we, you know, got we wouldn't have had because we would have been licensed too soon. And so you, yeah, just pray and and um diligently pray, and it will happen when it if and when it's supposed to. And so, all that to say, we ended up getting licensed in um. We started in like june and they had said it would take nine months. And we ended up getting licensed in um. We started in like june and they had said it would take nine months, and we ended up being licensed by september.
Speaker 1:We were licensed on september 12th and yeah, we took advantage of the, the virtual stuff.
Speaker 2:I think we got licensed in record time yeah, so september 12th of 2022 we got licensed and on sept, 13th 13th we got our first call and it was for two kiddos um four year old girl and a two day old boy. Is that?
Speaker 1:right he was. He was born on September 13th.
Speaker 2:Okay. So at the time he was one days old. But we picked him up when he was two days old and we said yes, and so we knew at the time that they there was actually a sibling set of four and this is another topic that that's so much to dive into but because there's such a foster care shortage, so many siblings get split up, and so we knew of the boys at the time, um, and we it was our first case so, like for us we didn't have beds for four kids. We didn't, we weren't licensed for four kids, and so we had told the County like, okay, well, if there's ever a time in the future for us to get all four of them, like it's important for us for them to stay together.
Speaker 2:But for many different reasons it just didn't work out. But we we diligently worked to connect with their foster mom pretty quickly. We had them over for dinner so that they could see you know, we have your younger siblings Just imagine being split up. You know, the boys were um, I want to say nine and six at the time, and so, um, I'll let you do that math while I talk.
Speaker 1:I think it was 11 and seven.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, okay, 11 and seven.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And just imagine a lot of times these older siblings are are helping a lot, raise. You know cause? It's single family, single parent families, and they're helping a lot and they feel a sense of responsibility for their younger kids. So just imagine being in that 11 year old and going to school one day and then never going home, going to a strange place with one of your siblings and then wondering where your other ones are, and so for us that was just not something we could go to sleep at night in good conscience and do nothing about.
Speaker 1:So we I just want to just pause for a second because just keep in mind in this guys like we, this is our first case and we've learned a lot and there were things that you know. Maybe now we would have done a little bit differently, but we were learning as as we go. I just want to say that when girl J I don't remember what we were calling her on here, but uh, came like our very first placement, like the, the county is was in such a crisis and they still are. They're so overloaded with the amount of foster kids in the in the system and not having enough foster families that um there was. They had to have a backup intake worker bring her to our house and this intake worker just didn't know anything about it. So we're like asking her questions and she's just like, you know I don't really have anything.
Speaker 1:So you know she was dropped off. We really didn't know a whole lot about her and you know and it just, but it goes to show you that the county was in such a crisis. And then also going into that family team meeting, we knew just from experience with our friend groups, like how important having that relationship with the bio family and with the siblings was, and so we're so grateful for having the community that had experience to help guide us through this. But yeah, from the beginning, like we said in the family team meeting, like if it meant splitting all of the kids up, that we would, you know, increase our licensure and take all four. But God just knew what he was doing and placing them in with another local foster family that was also open to having that relationship with us and their foster mom was wonderful and everything that they needed.
Speaker 1:I miss her too, she'll call me every now and then.
Speaker 2:She's incredible and she's exactly what those boys needed. So, yes, god knew.
Speaker 1:He knew exactly what he was doing.
Speaker 2:So within the first week we connected with them, we had them over for dinner so that they could just see who we were, see our house, and so we could say you're welcome here and your, your siblings, are safe here.
Speaker 2:and then the other big thing that we did, and this is all because of the community that we had they, they walked us through every step, you know like like encouraging us and suggesting ways to connect with mom, and so the kids are black and um, so they have different, you know, hair and and all of all different things I mean, and I it was so fun skincare hair like I just was so excited, so excited to like learn and dive into this and so, but my friend suggested, like that's a great way to connect with mom, because that means a lot to them to know like you're taking care of those things.
Speaker 2:So, right away, like within the first week, I was relentlessly reaching out to caseworkers, like give me her info, give me her info. And they were like what is this crazy girl doing? But finally we were able to connect. I think it took a while, but like within the first month, I would say, we had our first phone call. And, sure enough, like on that first and you guys were writing notes back to you back and forth, right, yep, but yeah, on that first phone call I just was like what are you know how? What do you suggest about her hair and and all this?
Speaker 1:and and it was like it let walls down like almost immediately yeah, and so just in that, guys, we wouldn't have known to do this, but being encouraged and knowing from experience from other foster families, like, if you, it's so important that, as long as they're safe and you can kind of you can have boundaries and kind of gauge it, but connecting with the bio mom or the bio dad, you know whoever's engaging in the, in the case, just it's so important because not only is it important for the, for the kids to continue to have that connection, but it's important for them and in their recovery and their, to know that who the family is, it's caring for their kids, to know that they're safe and a lot of and the kids need to know that, like we all, have the goal for them to get home right, we're on the same team that can bring it's.
Speaker 2:There's so many emotions when you're in, when you're a foster family, because you grow attached to these kids and you do, you, you're, you're supposed to love them like your own and you can't fake that like and so when you do, like, your heart truly loves them like you're, like they're your own child, so you have so many conflicting feelings, like, like we want reunification because we believe in family and we believe in this mom.
Speaker 2:And then there's also moments where it's like we also want them to stay with us forever, like we want them to be ours and we know that we can give them a good life. And and then it ties into like the roller coaster of the cases and you see the parents succeeding and you're rooting for them and you're so excited and you get this. You can't look ahead too far in foster care because if you do it, it could it could kill you, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you just don't know. You don't know. You can try to make your best guess, but you truly have. You'll hear throughout the story, but you truly you don't have any true clue. Yeah, what's happening. But I just want to just real quick. It's so important. We have found out, we've heard through other stories, just these parents, the bio parents of the kids that you have like oftentimes they come from environments and families and friend groups that truly they don't have real community, real support, somebody actually in their corner, rooting for them, supporting them, helping them in any way, you know. So for you to do that it may seem something small as just telling the mom or the dad that you're rooting for them and you want them to do well and that you're going to love their kids and you're here for them too. It may seem like a small thing for you, but it can often be a big and impactful thing to that parent it really can.
Speaker 2:And for me I just want to say this like when you're rooting for them, sometimes you have to go through the motions. And I'm really excited because we're going to have the kid's mom on in a couple weeks and I just love her. God put those kids in our home and put that mom in our lives, because he knew we were going to be family and whether that was through us adopting the kids and still having a relationship with her, or whether that was them going home, like he knew that our personalities, like he made us to be family.
Speaker 1:I feel that A hundred percent. I mean you even said it with the timing. Yeah, the timing of when we were licensed.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, so we were licensed on the 12th, which was the day that the baby was born, right, yeah, 13th. I'm sorry. Baby was born, right, yeah, 13th. I'm sorry. So we're realized. I think we were licensed on the 13th and they came on the 14th.
Speaker 2:That's right, we were licensed on september 13th, the day that he was born, and he came on the 15th because we would have been licensed a week earlier they would have we probably would have gotten a different call for a different family yeah, but what I want to say about just like building that relationship is sometimes you have to go through the motions and like like any relationship to say things.
Speaker 2:You have to take action before your heart starts to believe it, and sometimes you're taking action and you, your heart, won't believe it, but at the end of the day, like we have to put our flesh down and we have to root for these parents and you can root for the parent and, at the same time, be preparing for the worst, which would be for the kids to stay, you know and protecting the kids yes, and you can root for the parent and still have doubts, and you can root for the parent and not want to because it's frustrating.
Speaker 2:but we're called to help put families back together, especially if you're a believer who's getting into foster care and so yeah, and that was the thing for me is that and I said this in one of the family team meetings.
Speaker 1:But you know, these it's like, it's often it's easy to like look and see the need with kids. You know, we look at kids, as you know. They need help, they need guidance, they're innocent to an extent, you know like, but these parents were also created in the image of God and when God said, for I know the plans that I have for you, says the Lord, that's not just for, like, certain people, that's for everybody. God has a plan and a purpose for everybody. So if you can see these parents in the image of God, that they were created with a purpose and they've just, you know, they've made choices that a lot of us could have made. A lot of different people could have made choices, and a lot of people do make mistakes. There's just different gravities with different choices that we make. That got them into this situation and we are called to love them too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and love is hard sometimes, so, anyway, okay. So our adjustment phase, I would say it took six weeks, going from three to five. It was. We didn't do it very gracefully and it was a lot, but we had great community we foster. Our community is an incredible organization in our area. They dropped off bags. We just had so much support and so thankful and so, yeah, I would I'm going to fast forward some of the case because they were with us from september to may, so that's october, november, december, so eight months. Um, and you know, mom worked really hard and then she had a tragedy happen and so I'm gonna save that for her um episode when we have her on and she was doing great and then she wasn't. She was doing great until she wasn't right and then, once she wasn't, it was very heartbreaking because we knew not only were they not going to get to go home at that point, but that they were going to be split up yeah because they there's different dads in this scenario.
Speaker 1:And different grandparents Different grandparents From the dad side of things and with foster care. The goal is always reunification, and that reunification isn't always just with the bio parents, it's with kin, and that kin can be a grandparent, it can be a neighbor, it could be an aunt or an uncle, just somebody that had been in the kids' lives before, that their parents usually bring forward.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so the county frames it like this when an adoption happens, it's the last case scenario, and they view adoption as basically the death penalty to a family, because, in a way, it is You're permanently terminating their rights as a parent.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that's devastating. I mean, adoption is beautiful. It's so beautiful and I hope that one day we have the privilege to adopt and we have friends who have adopted, and that is a beautiful, God-honoring story. There's adoption in the Bible and it's also equally heartbreaking. And so, just really quick there, I just want to say, like, adoption is great and it's also hard, and so when you, if you have people in your lives who have adopted, whether it be through domestic adoption or through foster care, they still need support to beyond. Like, once adoption happens, that's just the beginning to their forever of a lifetime of you know a different story that God has written. And so, yeah, it's, it's hard and it's beautiful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we we live in a broken world. So even when kids get adopted, like they have different biological parents and that comes with a whole set of questions as you get older and all of these things and tough things to just work through looks at studies that show that it's good for kids to have a connection to their biological parents in the future. And oftentimes if you get adopted you know that doesn't happen. They don't. You know the adoptive families or whomever. There's no connection to that family, there's no previous connection, so they're less likely to have a relationship with their biological family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's what I wanted to say earlier about connecting with her and trying to make phone calls, because my perspective on this was like regardless of whether they stay for a week, a month, a year or forever, I need to be able to look these kids in the eye and say that without hesitation that I loved your mom, I fought for your mom, I advocated for you guys to be home with your mom and look, it happened. Or I fought for your mom, I advocated for your mom, I loved your mom and she just wasn't able to. But, regardless of the outcome, we need to be able to say to our kids, like we did, that and we did everything we could.
Speaker 2:We did everything we could to get you home, and that's hard sometimes.
Speaker 1:But it's needed.
Speaker 2:So anyway.
Speaker 1:So they look at, they prioritize kinship because they have a connection to the biological. They either are biological families or have a connection, so it's more likely that that will happen as the kids get older even if they stay with a grandparent or an aunt or an uncle permanently.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so I want to, as we're moving on to the kids kind of going to kin. The oldest had his own dad, so he ended up going to his paternal grandmother because the dads weren't able, weren't willing. We're not going to get into the details of that um, but he went to his paternal grandmother and then the four-year-old that we had.
Speaker 2:Um, she and and the other middle boy had the same dad and so they went to a different grandmother. But since she was in our home with the baby, she was split from the baby. And these ones they had relationships with, they had known them, they had been there before, they were somewhat familiar.
Speaker 1:They were also in Cleveland. Yes, Different grandparents though.
Speaker 2:And then the baby this is where it gets a little bit messy which we have a great relationship with his grandma in New Jersey. She's wonderful, their family is wonderful. I still talk to them, but we had had him for 11 months and so I mean at that point he's almost a year old. He's calling us mama and dada. Yes, they deserve to be connected with family and kin. But at the same time your heart breaks a little bit because you're all he knows.
Speaker 2:And he was being sent to a different state to be with people he'd never met. And that reality is. It's hard and so I'm not going to. I mean, there's so much there. There's so much there that we that it's so complex and the county has to follow rules that don't make sense. And you're looking at this scenario and thinking we've offered to allow these siblings to stay together and, at the end of the day, it's best interest, and if we're willing to stay connected to this mom no matter what, and we're willing to keep the siblings in our home and adopt all of them together no matter what, if she's not able to get her crap together, why aren't they looking at that? Instead, they're splitting these kids up right. None of them are going to ever see each other. It's, it's a mess.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and because the overarching county policies to do it's in the best interest of the child and there's a strong case to be made that sibling, siblings staying together is also the best interest of the child.
Speaker 2:Yes, and so there's a lot of we fought like and some people are going to agree with us. Some people are going to disagree that some people are going to disagree. That's why it's such a complicated topic. But like, and every case is different, every situation is different yes, it is and um, but there were also so many red flags yeah, but but just hold on back to to to the new jersey.
Speaker 1:but in that he was not just being sent with to grandma, he was being sent with dad who could, who they said would only, could only take placement of him if he lived with grandma, because on his own he wasn't. They didn't think that that was a good situation. Good situation but if he had the support of his, of his grandma too, and grandpa and family that was there because they have a very good, like close-knit family, that that was going to be a good, that was a good situation, is what they had determined and again, even though this is so hard and we didn't agree with the, I don't want to get any more specific than what you just said.
Speaker 2:But, um, because even though this was so hard and at this point, like we love these kids and we just feel like they deserve to be together and if they're not going to be with their mom, like why aren't we, you know, being considered as the next best thing to keep them together? And I'm sure if there's county workers listening, they're rolling their eyes right now, but, um, sibling relationships are, so it's the longest relationship that they'll, these kids, will have. But even with the hard and the disagreeing and the feeling like this isn't the right move, we still, um, dug in and and built relationships with all of these people yeah, and gave them open invitations to text us facetime the kids.
Speaker 2:We had um the baby's dad, over to our house and it was beneficial in ways because we're building that relationship, and it was also hard in some ways because we are digging in and seeing things that busy county workers aren't seeing. Sorry, our little guy is getting fussy. I have a bottle and we're raising these red flags like this has the potential to be really dangerous and nobody was listening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, nobody was listening to it. They thought we were crazy and to an extent I could understand that. Yeah, you know, because I'm sure that they've dealt with foster families that didn't pursue relationships with the families. One Didn't pursue relationships with the families for the right reasons, I'm sure, two and then also looked to nitpick at every little tiny thing because they had a selfish desire to want to keep the kids to some extent, and I'm sure that all of that is nuanced.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, but I'm sure that they have seen a lot of that. So there were. You know, I think everybody looked at us initially like they just want to keep these kids. Oh yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:And it's an uphill battle as a foster family, and so I just want to say that. But even with that, it's all about like, grace and relationships. Like. As much as you're building relationships with the foster family, you need to do the same with the caseworkers, and as much as you disagree, you have to give them grace as well and remember that they're drowning, they're absolutely drowning, and they have one of the hardest jobs in the world, and that that's such a juggling act, because you need to advocate, despite how crazy you look, despite how hard it is, despite how it's received. You need to do what is right and also understand that sometimes it's not going to be perceived as what's right, but ultimately, god has the final say in this story and we're called to simply be obedient.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's what we did.
Speaker 1:And, at the end of the day, right is right, and it doesn't matter whose feathers you have to rattle or if somebody gets in trouble or you look crazy like, doing the right thing is always the best thing to do. And it goes to that quote that, you know, people of character and integrity expect to be believed, and when they're not, they let time prove them right. And so we we constantly were praying and checking our motives throughout this too, and we were also explaining ourselves to all of the workers like listen, I know it, it you? You're saying this, or it seems like this. You're giving us the idea that we just want to keep these kids, but that is not why we did this and they didn't believe us.
Speaker 2:They didn't believe us, they didn't, and I like we have I don't blame them yeah but we didn't care because we needed to fight for these kids, yeah and with our situation.
Speaker 1:We had our own biological kids and we tried like, listen, guys, we have our own biological kids. And we tried to like, listen, guys, we have our own biological kids, we can physically continue to have our own children. We weren't doing this and I'm not saying this is wrong but we weren't doing this to grow our family. We were doing this to serve and to stand in the gap and to do what is right by these kids. Right.
Speaker 2:And so yeah, I mean we were reported to supervisors. We had people surprised show up at our house to visit.
Speaker 1:We reported other people to their supervisors.
Speaker 2:It was messy and we were like we were perceived as crazy, but you have to do what is right for the kids. You have to do what is right for the kids. So, anyway, all that to say, we raised many red flags and, despite all efforts, the courts and the team in the county decided that there was no other option at that point in time because mom was not working her plan for the kids to go to kin and um the standards I'm not going to get into this too much because, again, we have relationships with all of the kin and um, but the standards for kin are significantly different than the standards for foster families, and so sometimes that's just a hard pill that you have to swallow and you also have to acknowledge, just because you have a nice home and maybe you have good money, that doesn't equate to a good life for the kids. They still deserve to be with their family just yeah, just because that wasn't our concern.
Speaker 2:There were other concerns that were safety issues and, um, right, anyway, the, the for jay left in may and then, because the baby was going out of state, so jay and her siblings went and left in may. And because the, the baby was going out of state, so jay and her siblings went and left in may. And because the baby was out of state, the process was longer and he ended up leaving in july.
Speaker 1:End of july, july 28th, and I I just gotta say that that the day that she left, I'm still it still breaks my heart thinking about it, like I was devastated, and it wasn't because she was leaving, it was because of.
Speaker 1:I think it was nuanced Like it was. I didn't feel good about the situation. We drew the red flags, we fought and we were. It was ignored in a sense, and but it was also just the simple fact of somebody leaving too. Even if it was going to be the most perfect situation. You would just loved these kids for eight months as if they were your own and it was our first placement too.
Speaker 1:And just for them to leave and for you to think that you may never see them again. And also we we didn't say this, I think we were kind of alluding to it but the fact of them also being split up, you know, one was going to new jersey, the other were going to cleveland, but they were far apart and we knew that they none of. There was a good chance, that none of them were even going to see each other again, and we might never see them again. We may never know how they're doing, what they're going to be like, what they're going to grow up to be, and when you have a kid in and you completely just open your heart, it was like my last fear before getting licensed came true, and that was that. That was devastating for for us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it was so hard, but for me it was a little bit easier because they were all verbal, they were all old enough and they, they were excited about moving on to this next step. They were apprehensive a little bit, but they were excited about moving on to this next step. They were apprehensive a little bit, but they were excited and naive to the reality of of what we knew, of the things that could potentially go wrong. So, anyway, they left and we really didn't have any contact with them. The family really wasn't open to it and that's, that's normal, and so we just kind of pressed on and we still had the baby and we just continued to advocate for him Because, again, with this move, there were concerns that we had just about just different things. And so at the end of the day he ended up. They said you know, july 28th that was a year ago this week he's moving and they said we're gonna drive him. So the caseworker is gonna, you know, an eight hour drive and, um, something like that yeah, eight.
Speaker 2:Hours we're gonna drive him halfway. We're gonna meet the family who he had met, his dad, but he's 11 months old and probably didn't remember. And we're going to meet him halfway and they're going to drive him the other four hours the rest of the way home. And I was like what in the world Like this? This doesn't seem. This is so abrupt. This doesn't seem good. And I mean like yeah, anyway, we advocated to drive him and they, we were told no, in reality, we, we didn't want.
Speaker 1:He's too young, he's not verbal, we're all he knows. And we didn't want him to be driven by a stranger for hours in the car than be to meet family, some family that he had never met before. And also, at the same time, the county is overloaded and we were like you're going to send two caseworkers to spend their entire day driving in a car, like there could be a more useful, there could be better use of their time too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so again, like this is not normal. We're not a normal foster family. So the county is like who are these crazy people? I don't know if this is not normal. We're not a normal foster family. So the county's like who are these crazy people? I don't know if this is a good idea. But thankfully and we're so appreciative, still to this day they talked to the supervisors and they gave us permission and so we did, we um.
Speaker 2:We drove all the way to new jersey yeah and um, that was one of, like the most painful days of my life.
Speaker 2:And well, I should back up and say that like in June, before he left, or July 12th, carter and I were gifted NF tickets by your brother and we were so excited because Carter loved NF he still does and we just listened to the album so much and and it's called his hope album. But so many of those songs were just like they that album so much and it's called his Hope album but so many of those songs were just like they're kind of depressing, but like I was also kind of depressed and so I just listened to them and Carter and I got to have a special day together and go to this concert and like that album became like a medicine to me, like I would just cry to it over and over and um, yeah, but I say that because that comes up later in the story. So just remember the nf concert and on the drive to you know, when we were dropping the baby off, we just played that those songs, the whole album over and over and over again yeah and um, I'm gonna hold on.
Speaker 2:I don't, you guys know I love music, so I'm gonna just play, because I just feel like music is so powerful and um, okay, so I'm gonna play, like one of the songs that was super special to me at the time, and it doesn't even really make sense the words, but I just like would walk and run outside to this song.
Speaker 3:I don't want to wait enough. They have waited long enough. I'm ready. I can see the sun. It's coming. Oh, there's happiness on the horizon. I'm hopeful. I can see the light. I've hesitated all my life, but I'm all done.
Speaker 2:I'm done okay, so that's like one of my favorite songs and it just takes me right back to that drive and, um, yeah, so we just listened to the album, the whole drive down, and I just held him and snuggled him, knowing, like, not knowing, not knowing, and that's it is. It's just a lot of unknowns and um, we stayed the night in a hotel and we drove them and we, we took him and we dropped him off Again. His family is so sweet, we just love them. Again. We're not going to get into the details of the specifics of the red flags, because they had them too and that was the crazy thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it wasn't them.
Speaker 2:It wasn't them. Yeah, we took him and we spent probably 10 minutes there taking his bags in and letting him see them. And then I mean it was hard.
Speaker 1:He was when we were trying to leave. You know, you got to remember. Even though he has a good family, he had just met them and we were all he knew and he was like crawling to us and reaching for us and and we left. It was hard and yeah, and we we like, we said we like them and everything but like, just because of the gravity of it, we just wanted to get out of there yeah.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, we left, we shut the door, we got in the car. The county said you are allowed to do this, but you will keep your cool. And um, yeah, so as soon as we got in the car, we just cried and it was truly one of the most devastating days of my life and I knew that this was what we signed up for. But, um, it didn't make sense. It didn't make sense. He was so far removed from the rest of his family, it was, it didn't feel gradual, it didn't feel to be you know what was good or what was right, even though I knew that he was going to be loved by his grandma and his extended family there.
Speaker 1:Um, it was just very conflicting and it yeah, and it felt like we were abandoning him because, in a way, we were we had red flags with dad and there were things that the honestly the county could have put in place to kind of help with that and they just didn't. They didn't see the same concerns that we had and that was really hard for us. It's like at least try to set up for success, right, and we just weren't seeing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we're going to be wrapping up this part of the episode soon and you'll have to come back either later in the week I'm deciding if we're going to do it two in one week or next week but yeah, so we drove home. It was, you know, really hard. But something else that I forgot to mention was that a few months prior to the kids leaving I want to say in like Januaryuary we found out that their mom was pregnant again. So at that point she was like getting close, like seven months, when we were the day that we dropped off the baby um to his family in new jersey, and I also, man, there's just so much to cover.
Speaker 2:I also want to say that, in one desperate plea before these kids left, I want to say, like the week before the big kids left, I said to the caseworker was like like this, is it she? You know she has fallen off. This is what we have to do. I know you don't agree with it, but this is the plan and this is what we're doing. And I said so, like if I go pick her up and I get her to go to rehab today, does that change things? And she said I mean, yeah, it does. It does change things, but I don't know that you're going to be able to do that, and so I had been texting with their mom and it was hit or miss because, again, she wasn't in a great place and I just can't wait for you guys to hear her perspective on that. But, um, I was able to connect with her and I was just like listen, let me pick you up and feed you.
Speaker 2:And so she was like okay, yeah, food that sounds great, so we I picked her up some food she told me somewhere in the city where to get her and I just picked her up like she I don't even know that I picked her up from like a house or anything, I think she kind of like walked to where I don't think she really wanted me to know where she was staying and I don't know if you knew this, but I I remember that because I was uh gps tracking you too that's funny.
Speaker 2:so I picked her up and we got food. We we smashed on some food in my car and I was just like man, what is going on with you? Like you know, we and I tried, I can just tell she just wasn't having it. Like she was so sweet and she was, so she put up with me a lot because I gave her a hard time a lot. But I just was like I love these kids too much and and she, so we ate. I took her to Walmart and she wanted to get like a couple things. So we did that and I just was like do you realize that in a week your kids are all leaving and they're all being split up? Like, do you realize that? And she did, and she was devastated.
Speaker 1:but she didn't want it yeah could.
Speaker 2:She had given up on herself. And that was so hard for me to see, because she is a woman who had all the potential in the world Like you would never know if you had seen her in the store, like you would never know her history. And so I was just like so annoying and obnoxious that day and I was like, let me take you to rehab because we can fix this. Like, please, I'm begging you, I'll take you right now. And she, you know she wasn't ready, she just wasn't ready. And I think that's something that we just have to accept, that we have to allow these people to be ready. And she said, no, I have a tax appointment next week and after that, after that, I'll go. And you know, I did my best and it just didn't happen.
Speaker 1:And so yeah, and just it was hard for for us because you know, getting to know her, you know at the time, like we knew she was so capable, you know, and we knew, like by having her kids, like we knew that even though what she was going through and what she had done like she, that she was a good mom and she was. She was at least a good mom for periods of time because her kids were, you know, they. They had such good manners and they were like their behaviors towards each other and with our kids and everything we're so good, oftentimes better than our own kids.
Speaker 2:And it doesn't even matter, like whether they're, whether they're good or not, like they deserve they deserve many of them, but I think aren't good because they don't have people who believe in them.
Speaker 1:For us it was it was parts of it were hard, because we're just like, oh man, if you could just see what we see in you, like you're so capable yeah.
Speaker 2:So we had a great relationship and she was appreciative and so sweet and said what she had to say to appease me that day. We had plans for me to take her like later in the week. She never reached out and so I was like, all right, well, you know what? It goes back to that point where I can at least look the kids in the eye and say I did everything that I could to make this right for you and I have to give the rest to God. So the kids ended up leaving, baby Jay ended up going and she's out pregnant and you know, it was just really a hard reality and parts of you are so devastated for her and sad for her. A hard reality and parts of you are so devastated for her and sad for her. And then you're angry too because you're like your choices are causing heartbreak for us and you're causing heartbreak for your kids. But that it's, it's valid to feel that and it, but it's also somewhere you can't stay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we were I mean, we both were questioning and and and angry with God. Like you were, like the conversations we God, Like you were, like the conversations we're having with God is like you called us to do this. You put us here, yeah, and like what is happening.
Speaker 2:Like this there, there couldn't. Every time we said like this is the worst case scenario. It got worse Like it. It just kept getting worse and worse and worse. Not only were they not reunifying with their mom, they were going to be split up, they were going to places that weren't ideal, you know. It was just so hard. And so anyway, um, we were driving home and we were just like I just remember it was raining, it was dark, we were devastated storm and then I get a text from their mom and I was like, oh, perfect timing.
Speaker 2:You know, this is like I mean, there's nothing we can do. We're hours away now, like he's gone, and, um, she asked us to adopt the baby that she was pregnant with and she just said like I need, I need you guys to adopt this baby. I don't have anything, I'm scared, I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, I don't know if it's one or two, but like I need you to adopt this baby and um, dude, that is funny, I forgot about that.
Speaker 1:Like just a little light-hearted moment is when she said that she might have been pregnant with twins.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we were like oh man yeah, so this episode has gotten really really long. Surprise, surprise. So we're gonna stop it here, where we're driving home and we get the text from mom and you're just going to have to come back for us to finish this story on the next episode. You.