A Force To Be Reckoned With
A Force To Be Reckoned With
212. Jaliyah's Story Pt 2: This Is Just the Beginning
Have you ever considered the impact that foster parents can make not only on the children in their care, but also in the bio parents?
Through the raw and emotional recounting of her experiences, Jaliyah emphasizes the importance of empathy, understanding, and the human element often overlooked in these life-altering situations that lead to foster care. Together, we explore the intricate dynamics between CPS, foster parents, and biological parents, navigating the challenges foster parents face in preserving a child's identity while fostering mutual respect and trust with biological families.
We also confront the stigmas surrounding addiction and motherhood, revealing how foster parents can be pivotal in the recovery and reunification process by cultivating healthy relationships and providing a stable, nurturing environment.
Jaliyah shares about how devastating loss of her sister triggered a relapse, but her resilience and dedication to sobriety remained unwavering. This episode highlights the power of a strong support system and the transformative impact of compassion in helping families achieve lasting recovery and success.
Episode Highlights:
- The day the kids were removed.
- Connections between foster parents and biological parents.
- The goal is reunification.
- Tragedy after recovery & the impact it has.
- Unity between foster parents & bio parents.
Links Mentioned in Episode/Find More on A Force to Be Reckoned With:
- Jointheforce.us
- Follow us on Instagram @bethanyadkins
- Find us on Youtube!
This show has been produced by Adkins Media Co.
We are at war and it's not against our neighbors, spouses, children, politicians or whatever else we feel like we're battling against. So the questions are who's the fight against, and are we winning or losing? We're the Adkins and we are a force to be reckoned with. Are you ready to join the force? All right guys, welcome back to part two of um, our episode with julia. Julia, thank you so much for sharing your story portion of this. So Corey and I shared our journey, you shared yours, and now this episode is kind of the overlap and my hope through this is just to. I mean, honestly, I was talking to my friend about this episode this morning and we could do an entire like not just podcast episode, but an entire podcast talking about biological foster parent relationships and navigating that, and there have been beautiful times, hard times, hard conversations. I feel like we've, overall, done it pretty well.
Speaker 2:Wouldn't you Gracefully, gracefully.
Speaker 1:Lots and lots of grace, so we left off last time. You're 38 weeks pregnant. Cps is involved. So the first plan of action when CPS gets involved is they do everything they can to set the parent up for success before removing kids. So a lot of times that involves a safety plan. And again we talked about box checking last week, where they're bound by the law. They're so overloaded, they have so many cases and so you had your neighbor as a plan. But also sometimes, like even those plan Bs aren't really ideal for the kids either.
Speaker 1:So you did that. You went to treatment. Are you willing to talk about the day that the kids got removed?
Speaker 2:So I had went to the emergency room Probably I had to been about 39 weeks because I was scared, because I wanted. I basically just went because I wanted to have them check things out, like I wanted to know if I was like dilated and things like that. So when I went to the ER they told me that they wanted to induce me because they did some tests, they took some blood work. Obviously they was like oh okay, she doesn't have prenatal care and she's using, so we need to induce her. So at this point I think they contacted cps again. The hospital did um and there was like okay, we have an induction date for you, we need you to come in and we're going to induce you to have this baby because you're high risk. Wasn't really scared at first because I'm like I got my assessment done and I know I got a safety plan. The safety plan is that I'm going to go to treatment with this baby and I have individuals that are going to help with the other three.
Speaker 2:I went in the hospital. I think it was like they told me to come in at like seven at night or something to induce me. They started Pitocin and Genoa was born, maybe like three or four hours later. Wow, that's fast. He was not even three, maybe two. He was born in like two, three hours, no pain medications. Matter of fact, I had Solomon and Josiah Natural as well, wow. So I had about 10 hours with him, if that maybe eight.
Speaker 2:That next day it was just me and Janelle in the hospital and I was loving on him and he was beautiful and he was perfect. This lady comes in my room about one o'clock that next day and says in a very shrewd manner um hi, we have petitioned for emergency custody and we are taking emergency custody of all four of your children. Now, right before that happened, um, the nurse came in and she said hey, we need to take janoa downstairs for a hearing test. And something in me told me go with them, go with them. But I didn't, and little did I know that's how they were removing him from me. When she came in the room and told me that I flipped. I flipped because where's my baby? So I essentially just I flipped Because I didn't even get a chance to kiss him goodbye. Yeah, and I begged him.
Speaker 1:At one point I just said please can I see him one more time, while probably at this point in your story, removal was, and we can look back now and see why it happened and it was an okay plan. The way it was done was not, and it gave you time to heal and work on yourself, and but had they done it more delicately and more respectfully? I mean, that's, that's the way it should be. It should be a conversation and we'll get to talk about that a little bit more. Um, but, yeah, and do we want to talk about the neighbors? I don't know.
Speaker 1:So the crazy thing is so that was on his birthday, september 13th, and we talked about our story.
Speaker 1:So shortly after we come in and we got the call, we got saya.
Speaker 1:The next day, we picked up up Noah.
Speaker 1:But the crazy thing is, months later, while Noah was living with us, we went to a cookout in our neighborhood and one of our neighbors had a baby similar age as Noah and we found out they were actually born on the same day and in the same hospital, and so as we got to to talking, I talked to these parents and they actually were there and heard the removal of Noah.
Speaker 1:So they heard that conversation go down with Julia. So when she says she flipped, rightly so, and she's also not over exaggerating, because I talked to them and and they said we actually thought that, like somebody's baby had passed away, and I can only imagine that that's, at that point in time, how it felt for you, because there wasn't, you know, a proper goodbye and while, yeah, you were using and um, and there were so many things off and wrong and and all of that and you are do so well at taking full responsibility of that um, there's still a dignity element there where you weren't done right in that situation, and so it, yeah, it like makes me want to cry to think about 24 hours with him.
Speaker 2:You know, like this baby that I carried by my essentially by myself, I didn't have any support from his dad or anyone that matter. So, like, every day of my pregnancy was just. It was like a will to survive, a will to live, a will to try to nourish my body as best as I could. Yeah, you know. So like I discharged myself out of the hospital, yeah.
Speaker 1:So what was that like leaving the hospital? Because again, there's a contrast later in your story, but in this scenario they called me a cab, they gave me a manual breast pump and said farewell.
Speaker 2:So essentially I sat outside of the hospital on the curb and waited for this cab.
Speaker 1:So in my mind, I'm a recovering addict who, well, not even recovering, you're an addict. Yeah, at this point, you're still using, yeah, and you just had your baby removed, um, and you are put out and you have a decision. You have a cab, yeah, and you can decide to go to rehab and you can decide to go back to yep, the cycle, yep which you've been living in cycles for 28 years at this point, and what did you choose?
Speaker 2:so my attic brain, like the brain of an addict, what it tells you is basically that you will not survive and that you will die if you do not get this substance in your body. So not only am I going through a slight withdrawal because I've been in the hospital, but I'm also submerged in pain, unbearable pain, just like. Oh, this beautiful baby, yeah, has been separated from me and I'm his mom. So I decided to tell the cab to take me a shorter distance, not to treatment, but a shorter distance and I used $10 for the cab and I used $10 to get a hit and I sat outside with my postpartum body that was very sore and crampy and I'm like leaking milk.
Speaker 2:but I'm just just distraught, I'm just lost and I'm broken and it's just like so many feelings of like guilt and shame and embarrassment and anger and I'm just sitting on this porch and I'm just like, oh my gosh. And I just remember. I remember they said that I was going to have a court hearing on the 15th I think. I went to court and then I went to treatment um the same day. So I essentially I went I I went to treatment two days after he was born and um treatment in the beginning was very hard because I had this new reality that all of my children were separated and I didn't know where they were, how they were feeling, and I know that they missed me so and that was very true.
Speaker 1:So, cory and I, we get the call. We talked about this, so I'll just go really quickly. We get the call for saya and about this. So I'll just go really quickly. We get the call for Sia and Noah. Sia was four, noah was two days old and I remember walking into the hospital that Noah was born in and talking to the caseworker and the very first thing I asked was and I will say this we, like I, probably wouldn't have responded this way, because you don't know the story of the parent, you don't know if they're safe. There are some that are biological parents. They're very unsafe, they can be violent. Some that wait out in the parking lot, you, know, you just don't know.
Speaker 2:You don't know what you're getting into.
Speaker 1:Right, but we had a really we still do have a very strong community of foster families who, you know, just encouraged us and taught us the value of those relationships and like the empathy of it. And so, walking into the hospital and my very first thing was, you know, asking for your contact information, and that's not very normal. At first they were like, uh no, we need to figure out the situation. It so new, we don't know, like if she's safe, we don't know how this would go. It could be so, you know, bad, we eventually connect.
Speaker 1:And oh, the saya thing. I was gonna say yeah, I mean, saya came to our door. It was, um, I want to say it was like a wednesday and we had football practice. I got the call at like 11 o'clock in the morning and she was at our house by 3 pm and I picked Carter and Liberty up from school and we had been, you know, getting working on getting licensed and I was like, you know, today's the day, there's some, there's kids coming, and I remember we picked up pizza for dinner and she came to our house in this cute little dress that said princess, across their hair, all, all over the place, and but you could tell she was. You know she did come from a loving home. She had really really good manners. She said yes, ma'am, and yes, sir.
Speaker 1:And and that night when we put her to bed, like she did cry for you, she loved her mom and I would say that's true for all of your kids, 100%. Wow, you guys went through so much and, yeah, you were making horrible decisions. You nurtured your kids well and I would say that, like so many of these kids who are removed from parents, they are removed from parents who love them. I think people have these ideas in their head and these stigmas where it's like, oh, I just think if they're removed, they should never go back. And if you can do drugs when you're pregnant with, you know, a baby, then you never deserve to have your kids back.
Speaker 1:And I just hope that one of the things and not that we excuse the behavior absolutely because it's not right and it's not okay, but that we see these people as people and we see you as a person. So, okay, so we have this phone call. I don't I can't remember how like far along I think it was like maybe a week or so, I can't really remember but we were able to finally connect. You were in treatment, you were at a facility in Canton and you got a phone call with Sia. And do you remember this phone call, the hair conversation.
Speaker 2:So we're just awesome. You're awesome and I'm awesome because we both anticipated the conversation about Sia's hair before we met.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was thinking and you can say it, you can call it out, like you did the other night, because, it's true, the race thing oh, yeah, so okay.
Speaker 2:So, culturally, as a biracial black woman, I've heard stories of black kids going into white homes and how you know, culturally, you know, these people are not familiar with african-american hair. Yeah, and so they don't want to deal with it. They'll cut it off or they'll just let it get like matted and they'll just neglect it.
Speaker 1:So I'm just like, oh, my gosh I wish she excited us that all your kids have beautiful.
Speaker 2:I've worked so hard on this little girl and I'll be damned if anybody you know what I'm saying, so I just remember, like, um, could you, you know, please, kind of like make sure you keep up with her hair? And you know, did we talk about like detangling it and like, yeah, products and so on?
Speaker 1:my side of things. I was like I knew I wanted to connect with you because I can only, I could only imagine having my children move, knowing that siblings are split up, and then wondering like, ok, where are they? But I couldn't.
Speaker 1:I had a friend who Told me she was like well, connect on the hair because you know they're black and you know they care so much about their hair and that's true and so just ask about that and so, yeah, I mean I'm so thankful for that advice because we connected immediately. You, I told I had told you like, okay, I bought her a bonnet. I have a friend.
Speaker 2:You did great, you did great because I remember the first visit her hair was just so it was, it was moisturized, it was pretty and it smelled good. And I'm just like, yes, yes, yes, yes, I didn't have to worry about it anymore. I didn't it never, ever crossed my mind as a worry again.
Speaker 1:Oh, good, now that would be on visit days. You don't know what happened. Five days.
Speaker 1:I'm just kidding so what would you say to foster parents out there, who I will one? There's so many foster parents out there who I'm are never going to have this opportunity to sit down with the biological parent, because it's just not the case. I mean, you know, the case that we have now. That's probably never going to happen because of where she's at, of where she's at. What would you say, though, to foster parents out there who are hesitant to connect to the biological parent, or maybe they don't even mesh?
Speaker 2:well, so, okay, I look at it from my perspective. That's all I can give is and I know that nine times out of 10, right.
Speaker 2:If a child or children were moved from a parent that is struggling with addiction, I can guarantee you that they do not have any support, or else that child would not be in foster care it would have it would have went to a loving grandmother, loving grandfather, a loving father, whatever, and so, neighbor the fact that a child makes it into foster care, you can 100 percent assume that there is nobody else, nobody else, that is safe and that is healthy. And so that has been not just like a recent thing but more likely, that has been a whole lifelong thing. So I encourage foster parents to open that door if it's available. Foster parents to open that door if it's available. And it may take time and it may be hard and it may be uncomfortable, because it was at first it was just like, first of all, I don't know how to do relationships, I don't know how to do healthy relationships, and second of all, like, how can I trust you and how do we even get to that point of trust?
Speaker 1:yeah, and I think there's also this elephant in the room like good mom, bad mom, which I didn't. I never wanted that to be the case where it's like well, you're a bad mom because your kids were removed from you and I'm a good mom because I have your kids, and that's not true.
Speaker 2:The fact that you reached out to me, yeah, and that you opened that door. It told me a lot about you. It told me that you were genuine and that you were a possible safe person that I can trust and that I and that it could be a part of my team and a part of you know my growth and my healing and not like I didn't look at you as the enemy or someone that was trying to keep me away from my kids or you know what I'm saying keep me away from my kids, or you know what I'm saying. So, opening the door and inviting me like, encouraging me and empowering me in in such a dark place, it it gave me a lot of hope. It gave me a lot of substance that I can hold on to and actually like, if I can rest assured that my kids are being loved and taken very well care of and that you're for us, then it allowed me the room to focus on your recovery, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I think that that is so important and such a great reminder and I think I said this in an episode when Corey and I were recording like the goal with foster care is reunification.
Speaker 1:So we need to be on board with that 100 as foster parents and sometimes it's more realistic than others which, like with you and always as foster parents, we should give the parent the benefit of the doubt, even if we don't see the potential. With you, it was easy to see the potential one. But also we need to if we are going to say the goal is reunification. We need to live that way and it's a very hard thing. Like, as the foster parents, we need to like put our money where our mouth is, and so we need to be able to say to the kids, like, yeah, we did everything that we could to support your biological parent, to set them up for success, to recover, to get you back, and so part of that was yeah, you're absolutely right Giving you the mental like relief of, okay, my kids are loved and safe and and this family supports me. So now I need to focus on, I can take my focus off of my kids for a little bit and focus on myself.
Speaker 2:And it, honestly, that's it it did. I did get a break, yeah, and it was a very well needed break, because I've neglected myself since I've, like, became a mother and I put their needs always before mine. You know, yeah, just being present, being there, was a goal of mine, because I didn't experience that I didn't have a present mom, I didn't have a present dad. So I feel like the more I was present with them, the more I told them I loved them and I cared about them. I was doing a hundred percent fantastic job, because a lot of people like me did not even receive half of that. So, again, but I still had a lot of things I needed to work through in order to get better, and I wasn't getting better unless I had the room and the opportunity to do the support work and not just the box checking.
Speaker 1:Yep, yep. And so, yeah, part of our responsibility as foster parents yeah, the county is there for box checking, but foster parents yeah, the county is there for box checking, but foster parents we can help with giving enough margin for the deep work, and we can do that by supporting the parent. Okay, so we had this notebook that we passed back and forth. That was another little piece. I got a notebook that we had.
Speaker 2:Um, I have a friend who does really good that was so nice and she painted it made me feel very, very just good, like like. The other people in the treatment were like they were kind of jealous. You know, when I told them I was journaling to my foster parents, like to my the kids foster mom, they were like jealous. I was like, oh my god, she's a a wonderful lady, your kids are blessed. And I'm just like, yes, I know and the husband.
Speaker 1:I know this is fast forwarding, but do you remember when cory and I came and all the moms were, oh my god, he's a stud, he's so handsome. They're married okay so, but okay so, this notebook. We're passing notes back and forth um, but eventually the notebook stopped right.
Speaker 2:I successfully completed, I want to say like 50 days of treatment, yeah, and I went home to my very empty house, which was really hard because I'm I'm I'm fresh in recovery. So, and I think also another thing that adopt or foster parents can look at with the bio parents is how long have they been in active addiction. So at the time that I made it to recovery, I was in active addiction, like active addiction, for about two plus years. So the cycle has gotten really bad at that point.
Speaker 1:So long story short, so like 50 days, really isn't that much Exactly.
Speaker 2:Exactly so I remember like just I had hope and I was in a good place, I was seeing the kids and I knew they were safe. But I'm just like I know I got a lot of work to do and I was motivated and I was going to stay clean and I was going to do the work. I was motivated and I was gonna stay clean and I was gonna do the work yeah, everything um, we're calling regularly, we're checking in.
Speaker 2:It did it, you were doing great so at 61 days clean, I got a phone call. I was at my house by myself. Now at this point I'm still going, I'm going to church again, I'm feeling good, like I've cut out all the bad. I got a call from I think it was my sister, one of my cause. My mom had seven kids, so it was seven of us. So one of my younger sisters called me and said that our sister, the one who had lived with me before, was murdered, murdered and it was just tragedy all over again. It was just.
Speaker 2:I literally went to Cleveland that day with my brother and went to church on a Saturday and I seen my sister. She came to church with her kids and it was our first time seeing each other in like two years. Sister, she came to church with her kids and it was our first time seeing each other in like two years. And I remember just like making her give me a kiss on the cheek. And then I went back to Canton and then I got that news that she got killed.
Speaker 2:My brother stayed behind in Cleveland. They went to like a bar, like a small bar, to hang out and catch up and they had a great time and they went to another place and then when they got out the car, somebody approached them firing gunshots and my brother actually was shot five times. Um, she, she was shot one time. She died from one bullet shot to her chest. Um, oh it, like I instantly at that point. I didn't have that establishment of support at that point yet. So it's not like I could I call, I could call you, even though I'm sure I could have but I mean, it was so new.
Speaker 1:It was, yeah, 60 days into the case. We, we were still learning each other.
Speaker 2:I didn't have a community, I didn't have support, I didn't have nobody. So my first thing to deal with that pain was what I already knew very well and I immediately left my apartment. I walked a couple blocks away to where I knew drugs were and I got high. Yeah, channel 19 news, uh, contacted me three, four days later and you know what? I was on my way to really good things because I had just got a job offer to be a community support person that goes out to the homes of people like um. I was on my way, you know, and channel 19 news contacted me. They said they wanted to interview me because in the headline the of the interview was devastating deja vu cleveland mom murdered exactly nine years after her mother. So I had to do a very another uncomfortable and hard, because nobody else in the family would do it yeah, yeah, triggering, bringing you back to memories of losing your mom.
Speaker 1:Then you're talking about the loss of your sister, all while grieving the loss of your four kids, the removal of the baby that you just had, your postpartum I really.
Speaker 2:So I got out of treatment in like october, I relapsed like beginning of november and then I got pregnant again in late december.
Speaker 1:There's that there's a lot. So that was in november and we talked a lot about this in cory and i's episode. So you relapsed and so from basically november to may, yeah, the case workers were trying to get you to get back on track. You just struggled. You really didn't tell anybody you were pregnant until maybe like february. Yeah, um, although I knew, I knew you were pregnant. I'm just gonna say that um, and you did continue visits, but then you stopped showing up to visits and it was just um. It was really hard to watch, yes, and hard for me, because you know we have this four-year-old now.
Speaker 1:She's five-year-old little girl who you know, misses her mom so much and, as a foster parent, you're torn because you're like at night, you know we would pray with her and we would pray for you and we would say you know your mom, she's doing everything she can to get you back and she's going to get there, and she's going to get there. But then there's a point where you're like I want to feel like you're like lying.
Speaker 2:I want to cry because I remember like the more I miss them, the more I used yeah, it was such a double-edged sword Like I remember I would be in trap houses, pregnant, and just crying to these, using people that don't care. I going to the visits and I just, yeah, cps, you know, they decided like okay, she's not participating.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we got to relocate and so even then, yeah, it is, as a foster parent, so hard because like you were rooting for you and we always are. But then it's like you see the devastation and the kids too, and then it makes you it's so complicated and it's so unnatural. It's like you see the devastation and the kids too, and then it makes you it's so complicated and it's so unnatural, it's like, so frustrated with you and it's you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I was frustrated with myself, yeah, because I knew better. I, I knew like. I'm like oh my gosh, julia, yeah, you know you're like they, they love you, they miss you, you're letting them down, you're hurting them, and that in itself, just the thought of me hurting my kids, like it, just it, it just it just tore a hole through my heart and it's just like, oh, I can't deal with that.
Speaker 1:And then I just, but you know what you went through that because you're going to help other people with it. Yes, but I do want to talk about visits, okay, so we talked about this, like in preparation, earlier this week. I always transported, partly because that's our role as a foster parent and I wanted to do it and also because I knew, like at visits, all right, I'll get to see her, I'll get to say hi to her.
Speaker 1:It's good to like boost morale for us each other and say hi, but also, like I'm starting to learn you and know you and know when you're doing well and know, like gauge, where we're at and how things are going, and so, yeah, we would do visits, like I think it was actually every other Wednesday. And I want to talk about this because I think this is common with foster parents where, like there would be times visit days were super stressful for me Because I wanted to make sure their hair was good and size hair was brushed. Sometimes I'd take her to get it braided and I wanted it to be fresh. I want them to be clean and have on cute outfits. I'd go buy new outfits, I'd pull them out of school.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:I will never do that again but but even then there would be times where I we would come and you'd be like, yeah, you need to like wipe noah's legs better or you need to do this better. And sometimes I'd be like, okay, valid. And then other times I'd be like, all right, you're just trying to control. But control is really the in those moments, that's the only control that you had. So like I would be frustrated for minutes and then I would drive home and be like you know what? Like if I were in her shoes, I would probably do the exact same thing. I get to see my kids for two hours once every other week and you, just you don't have control. And so, yeah, can you share that on that? Like your perspective a little bit, I know, like the cultural thing, but not even that. Just like what it feels like to feel so powerless in those moments.
Speaker 2:Part of me. I don't.
Speaker 1:I also just want to say like I don't want every not that you don't sound like a victim at all, but like I don't also want biological parents to be like I'm the victim here and I'm powerless, because that's not it right, but yeah part of me really wanted to make sure my kids were being taken care of, you know, and I think I I probably was testing you in a way to see, like what kind of person you were like, were you?
Speaker 2:were you going to, you know, obliged to my request, like, did you still respect me as their mother or were you still going to do things your way?
Speaker 2:And then a part of me was like, yeah, that's the only power that I do have, you know, and that's a little bit of power. Um, so I think a new, the newborn stage is such a delicate stage and, like I just remember like I dealt with my other children as newborns by myself, so I became like a real like stickler of how their care, you know, and I had experiences where I did things wrong and I learned the hard way, and so it's like a part of me just wanted to make sure that they, like Noah as a baby, didn't go through like a certain experience that I had with DJ when I was a new mom. You know what I'm saying. Um, so it was, it was, it was just conflicting. The whole entire thing was conflicting. Like I used to like get upset because other moms in treatment, got visits every week, yeah, and I was only getting visits every other week and it was just like too far in between because they grow so much, um, and it's just.
Speaker 1:The whole situation was just hard yeah and you want to have a say in your baby. I did yeah, and I think that's perfectly okay, but I just I wanted to hear your perspective on that because I don't think foster parents should take it personal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, I think there should be a concern if mom, bio mom or bio dad, like, doesn't say anything. You know what I'm saying, because there's no way anyone's going to get 100 percent right. But if they don't have some kind of preference with their children, that's a problem. But if they don't have some kind of preference with their children, that's a problem, you know. So you would prefer a parent to nitpick about these little small things because in a way, that's you, that's them saying hey, I love this baby, I love these kids, don't get it twisted, you know. So, do good by them. Even when I couldn't and when I wasn't able to, I still wanted that.
Speaker 1:Wanted good for them. When I couldn't and when I wasn't able to, I still wanted that, wanted good for them. Yeah, yeah, I love that perspective. We I picked you up for lunch one day. Do you remember that? Were you so annoyed by me? No, I, actually you. So this was like one desperate plea. I talked about this in our episode where it was like a week before Sai was leaving, they were gonna get split up. I was devastated. I didn't think they were great situations and I hate to say I told you so, but they all ended up back Right, so they weren't.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, like obviously if they ended up in foster care that there wasn't any good options before you know what I'm saying. So that kind of puzzled me why they would allow them to go to people that were never in their lives.
Speaker 1:Yeah, in the in the beginning but at this time you were kind of house hopping again and I knew you were probably hungry. So I was like let's go get lunch. And I was like any other way she's gonna tell me no, because she knows my angle. So we picked, we got lunch and I was just like please, just let me take you to rehab. But I knew like in my gut, as much as you were capable, you just weren't ready.
Speaker 2:Like I could see it in your eyes.
Speaker 1:You just weren't ready. Tell me, like, where you were then, or your thoughts about that day, or what you can say to somebody who has somebody who's not ready yet. I don't know. So there's just so much to unpack.
Speaker 2:It is so for one, I think we had like a court missed court, and I I was very upset at myself for missing court, because I remember I got up that day and I was like I got court today and I at least need to go there and say, hey, y'all, I'm, I'm, I'm not doing good, but I still want to try, you know, advocate for myself in some manner, right, and not take the like, the easy way out by just like running. Essentially I just ran, you know. So I was just. It was a really hard morning because I got up and I was like, ok, julia, no matter what, no matter if you're under the influence or not, you're going to go to court, right, so they can see that that you still care about these kids, that you want to, you want to change things around. And I just didn't make it. And I remember I just cry and I sat in the bathroom for hours and just got high because I just felt incapable and I didn't feel strong enough. And not only that, I didn't have anyone saying Julia, go get your butt to court, this is important, these kids are about to be separated. And I knew that. And I remember telling God like God, like I just need somebody to hold my hand right now because I can't do it.
Speaker 2:So when you reached out to me, a part of me felt good, that like, like a sense of humanity was still in the world, um, and that I wasn't giving up on just because I wasn't doing good. And a part of me was looking for a relief of the very toxic environment I was in, because there was many nights like I was walking the streets at three, four or five o'clock in the morning, sleeping outside, big, pregnant and just, very, just, very unsafe situation. So like, a part of me was like I need to get away from just these situations. So I felt good and then I felt I felt bad and then I also was desperate. Like my addict mind was saying you know, get more drugs, get more drugs, yeah, get more drugs. Um.
Speaker 2:So I remember like I was, a part of me, was ashamed at how I looked, because I know like I was pregnant but you could still I didn't have a healthy pregnant glow, um. So like, yes, I was hungry, but I was ashamed of, like, how I look. So I kind of wanted to avoid you, you know, because I didn't want any judgment. But then a part of me was like well, my attic brain was like, well, if you know, if you ask her for some help, like you know actually, well, I was genuine at first when I was like, can we please go get me some stuff like I really need? I didn't have like underwear and just clothes that fit properly and stuff like that. So we had one to Walmart and you did that for me. And then like later that evening, like and this might sound like horrible, but like for once I didn't have to figure out how to supply my high. You know, like I basically traded most of that stuff and I apologize sincerely from the bottom of my heart, but I'm just gonna be honest.
Speaker 1:I knew when I bought the stuff that those tags were never gonna be taken off, and I did, I did wear one outfit.
Speaker 1:I did wear one outfit, but for me, I mean, there's selfish motives in it for both of us like and I don't even know, maybe selfish is the right word selfishly, yeah, because I wanted the kids to stay with me, like I just felt like if they weren't going to be with you, corey and I were the next best thing, because they would get to see you, they would get to see each other, and so, you know, I honestly believe that, like I from the start, I honestly believe that, like from the start, I honestly believe, like if you guys had to permanently adopt my children, that you would not keep them out my life.
Speaker 1:Oh, never, you would not keep me out their lives.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I honestly believe that when you guys said that like you guys would make a way and find a way that 100% Communicate in some way, that was not like detrimental to them.
Speaker 1:Absolutely 100%. We would but like like detrimental to them.
Speaker 2:absolutely 100 we would but like.
Speaker 1:That's why I was picking up because I'm like you got to make this stop, like you're the only one that has the power. So, like, selfishly, I'm like, well, if that means I got to pick her up and and try and talk her out of it and buy her lunch and do whatever I like, I will do it. Yeah, but also, it's not up to me to say yeah, I'm not me to say yeah, I'm not like who am I to withhold food from you or clothes from you, because I fear what you're going to do with it. Right, I didn't hand you over cash, but who am I to be like? Well, I'm not buying you this bag or these shoes because you're going to sell.
Speaker 2:I remember I asked for a book bag.
Speaker 1:Okay, so anyway, long story short, that was not successful because you were not ready and I think there's something to be said with like with addicts you should never give up on them, but always understand that they're not gonna go until they're ready.
Speaker 2:You cannot force treatment on anyone if they're not ready. They're not ready. Yeah, I was not ready. Yeah, and unfortunately, most times it takes jail or it takes a near death near like a near death experience or losing, or losing your kids for you to wake up. Um, because that's just how bound you are in it, like addiction takes every part of your soul.
Speaker 1:Um, so, yeah, I wasn't ready yeah, so the we, the day that we dropped off Noah, we talked about this and Corey and I talked about this in our episode. You had texted me. You just had texted me and said, like I'm going to have this baby. I'm scared, I don't know if there's one or two and I want you to adopt this baby. So I don't even know that. I gave you an answer, but all that to say that was in July. You ended up having her. You didn't even know when you were due. No, cory and I were on a date in september. Oh man, her birthday september 8th, so this would have been sunday, september 10th. We were on a date. We're at marshall's, we were on the strip. We're like, yeah, we're kid free and I get a text message from Julia and it's a picture of a baby and I'm like, no, she had her baby and she was so beautiful. She was so beautiful and healthy and just ugh. So tell me her name Janaya. Oh, my gosh Head full of hair, yes, stunning.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And so we quickly ended our date and picked up five guys and we're like, we're coming to visit you at the hospital, so yeah, just tell me about that.
Speaker 2:My water didn't break but my contraction started and because I had, like, my last three kids, natural and all of their birth. Like Solomon, he was born nine minutes after I got to the hospital in Cleveland. Wow, josiah was born two hours after they broke my water. Noah was born two hours after they broke my water. So I know nine times out of 10, she's going to come quickly. So I remember this lady that I was using with and I'm like, hey, I think I'm in labor and actually I knew I was in labor but I was like denying it because my attic brain, literally. I got to the hospital, they come with a wheelchair, they take me upstairs. She was born 10 minutes top. Oh my gosh, 10 minutes tops. I was on all fours and she just plopped out on the bed. They like no, she wasn't even. She just landed on the bed, she wasn't even caught. And so they, they picked her up and they wiped her off and it was like it's a girl.
Speaker 1:And I was just like, yeah, finally another girl.
Speaker 2:Another girl, so yeah, so like I had a really, really nice nurse, like she just was like girl. You got the most beautiful baby in the whole nursery and you did a great job and like it was just like a, was just like a quick, like nothing, like like completely opposite of yeah um, and so, like, I was like, like, just, she was beautiful and I remember I did, I texted, you were like the first person like you, you guys were one of the like.
Speaker 2:I rested a little while and then you guys were like the first person I contacted, um, and then, uh, also, her dad came to the hospital and that was just like because the lady that took me went to pick him up afterwards, to give him a ride somewhere or something, and she was like no, I know where you need to go and she just dropped him off at the hospital.
Speaker 2:Oh, my god yeah like because we weren't in contact. He didn't like you know. So this time I actually got almost a full two days with her and I had the most loving and nurturing nurses and in the back of my mind I'm like Altman Hospital know that they messed up the first time that they took my baby and they don't want to repeat that situation. So, like like she never was, like taking off the room, they kind of let me, they let me breastfeed her longer, like I breastfed her like a whole day before. They said like we we need you to stop and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:So, um, just I just got the love on her and like it, just like that meant a lot to me. And then I had a visitor. You know you guys came and you guys brought like baby stuff and food and has to do with I knew where she was going. Yeah, you know the fact that I wanted you guys to have her. You know, that kind of gave me a lot of peace about. You know, I didn't have to go through that, that whole beginning part of meeting people and not knowing if they were going to be good to my kids or not. So, um, I stayed at the hospital. They took me from the hospital to like the sixth floor to detox. I stayed in detox for about a day and then the rehab came and got me and this time in treatment Jaleah was on her grind. Like I took it very serious this time.
Speaker 1:You did. You haven't used since the day you had her. No Right.
Speaker 2:That's my sobriety day, right.
Speaker 1:Yes, are you sure? Yes, that's my sobriety day.
Speaker 2:So in like a week, you know, or like by the time that our listeners hear this, I will have a year of sobriety. Or like by the time that our listeners hear this, I will have a year of sobriety. Yeah, but like I remember, like I stayed to myself and I just dug deep and I just had to like practice, like I had to rebuild everything, my boundaries, yeah, you put in the deep.
Speaker 1:Again. It's the deep work, it's beyond the box checking. You did the self-care, the healing, the counseling, the counseling, working through things, and you actually did it really fast. Like I expected it to be longer, but you, within six months, your kids were starting to come home. And I was honestly apprehensive because, again, the using and you talk about like the course of using six months, it's longer than 50 days, but still I was like if I have kids, it's a lot 50 days, but still I was like if I have kids, it's a lot. Yeah, but I think the difference is there's two things I want to talk about here and then I'll let you go is one I think the difference is this time around, we knew that we would be a support system to you.
Speaker 1:And so even though, like we did a gradual transition, the kids started coming back to you one by one. We'd started with with like day visits and weekend visits and longer visits, and so I was glad that they did it that way, still nervous because I again five kids a lot yeah, you're by yourself, but you had a support system this time. And the one other thing that I is such a bummer to me and I know that the county's hands are tied because they're so drowning and stuff, but the state not that your apartment was like filthy, right, but it was barren yeah because, like you said, you were selling well and you had people there was just a lot there.
Speaker 2:Your apartment was empty.
Speaker 1:I basically abandoned my apartment and my people were squatting in my apartment and it was not ready for kids to come home, but per the county standards it was like they were gonna let them come there with basically a couch and a table and that was it. But that just like wasn't feasible for us or for you, and so we were able to have people donate. And I don't say this at all to like pat ourselves on the back, but just like we can't in these scenarios and in the world of foster care and child welfare, like we can't be okay with the box checking, we have to be willing to go above and beyond for these parents, for these families, but to expect that of the biological parents, expect that of us.
Speaker 2:It wasn't just a blessing to my children to come home. First it was like just home visits and then they like came home. But for them to come home to a plush, comfortable living space it was a blessing to me because it made me be more comfortable with being home. It made it it just, it motivated me and empowered me in so many ways that you will never know. Like, just like the dishes, the carpet, the, the, the paint, like the, the furnace, like just everything that was gifted, there's a, there's something in the Bible that says that he'll bless you in such a way that you don't have room enough to receive. And I honestly believe like that's one of my experiences of an outpour, of a blessing, like you guys pulled up with a truck and got to work and I just like we can thank Andy for that one. I love her.
Speaker 2:And I'm just like, I'm just sitting here, like I'm just looking around, like, oh my, it's like I was in a whole new house, yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, but that's what you needed to heal.
Speaker 2:I did Because, think about it, this place was a place where I used in, so there's a lot of bad memories, yeah, there's a lot of triggering things, like you know, that happened in that place, so to have it on the other spectrum was just beautiful and it was therapeutic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, is there anything else that you wanted to add into the story?
Speaker 2:There's something that I want to read, and this is from an unknown author and I apologize. I know I keep bringing stuff in, but I was scrolling through Facebook like a week or two ago and I seen this post and, like you and Corey and all of your friends and community can bring perspective of foster parents. You know, in that journey and I can bring the perspective of a recovering addict Like that's, that's my God has brought me through that. So this is just a note, a mental note that everyone can keep in the back of their minds when they are, like just interacting with someone who is in recovery or not in recovery. So I don't know who wrote it, but addicts don't want to be addicts. Addicts don't want to die. Addicts don't want to throw their lives away. Addicts don't want their children to grow up without parents. They just want to feel better, they just want to feel normal. They just want to stop feeling everything else for a little while. Addicts are people just like you, just like me.
Speaker 2:Addicts come in all forms, dependent on many different things, drugs just being one version of dependence. The problem is that our system is limited, laboring under the illusion that drug addiction is a criminal issue, a medical issue on the fringes that can't be fixed with proper rehab. That all ignores the fact that drugs aren't the problem. What led the person to drugs in the first place is the problem. The drugs are just a means to an end. Rehab doesn't fix addicts. It primarily treats the physical symptoms of withdrawal. Prison doesn't fix addicts. It just puts them in a cage for a while. Even death doesn't fix addicts. It just puts them in a cage for a while. Even death doesn't fix addicts. It just leaves the people who love them here forever wondering how different things might have been.
Speaker 2:The only way to really deal with addiction is one that is multifaceted, one that makes us uncomfortable, it is messy, it is complicated and it takes a lifetime of effort. It sometimes involves relapse and second chances and third chances. It involves support, sometimes sponsors. It involves therapy and counseling until whatever the root cause is has been revealed and addressed. It involves consideration of not just the physical withdrawal, but the emotional withdrawal, the social withdrawal, the psychological withdrawal. It requires a mental health system with adequate resources, which clearly doesn't exist. It requires us to do better. It requires support instead of judgment and sometimes, even when all those things exist, it fails.
Speaker 2:It fails because addiction can take people and swallow them whole. It can rob them of everything they value, everyone they love. It can strip them of everything they value, everyone they love. It can strip them of everything they care about, rob them of reason and logic. It can convince them that they aren't worthy and they have failed not just themselves, but everyone else. It tells them that they are broken and irreparable. Then it shoves them back down and it does it again.
Speaker 2:Our society says it failed because they didn't try hard enough, because they were selfish, because they were stupid. How exactly is saying these things like this going to help anyone? The short answer it isn't. It just allows us to believe that if we try hard enough, if we care about other people enough, if we are smart enough, we can avoid addiction. Our false sense of security hurts those who need help the most, never mind the damage done to the people they leave behind.
Speaker 2:To those who claim anyone's death due to an addiction isn't tragic, I ask you to think about his children, his or her children, his or her parents, his or her family. I'm sure that they will disagree with you. Until you've been there, you can't know what it's like. Until you've watched someone you love try and claw their way out, only to be dragged back in again. You can't know what it's like Until you've seen someone throw everything away just to feel better for a moment.
Speaker 2:You can't know what it is like Until you have dealt with someone desperately in need of help who turned to self-medicating instead. You can't know what it is like until you had to tease out where the line between believing in someone and enabling them is. You can't know what it is like until you've had to make decisions or choices no one should ever have to make. You cannot know what it's like until you've done all you can to help someone who doesn't want it. You can't know what it is like. We all have our demons. We all have our issues. Many of us are closer to being addicts than we would ever admit out loud. Some of us know how easy it would be to turn. Some of us are addicts already. Some of us already walk a very thin line. God bless us, and all credit goes to an original author who was unknown, that's so good.
Speaker 2:I thought so too.
Speaker 1:It is so good. There's so many truths there and I'm just really proud of you for clawing your way out and for not giving up on yourself, and there's just so much to this story and I'm just so grateful to be part of it and I can't wait to see what the next, what this has been two years, what the next two years look like.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Not only us moving out of that unhealthy environment to a beautiful home.
Speaker 1:That's where I want to close. We furnished your apartment and stuff, but you're not even there anymore. You recently moved. You have all five kids home. Yep, there, they switched school districts. So talk about your house and talk about what you're doing.
Speaker 2:Your school, um so through you, through your community, through hope, bridge. Me and my children are in a beautiful four-bedroom home. Like I can brag about this house. It's like a little palace. It is a palace. It's beautiful, it's gorgeous and it's one of the best living spaces that me and my kids have ever experienced. And thank you, thank you everybody that believed in us and provided the opportunity for us to even go further into just healthy and recovery and getting better. So, as you say, we are thriving. I'm still at my job. I love my job.
Speaker 1:Working full time, doing the single mom life with five kids Going back to school for your master's.
Speaker 2:Yes, I just started last Monday. I'm so proud of you For my master's in social work it's incredible, like it's truly just miraculous second 2024 I received full custody of all five of my kids back yeah and you were there, cory was there, andy was there, yeah, I was there. Liberty, you guys all were there. You guys are my family and I'm so grateful for you all. And, like, this is just the beginning, this is the. This is the bright beginning is.
Speaker 1:This is a start to a beautiful, beautiful chapter absolutely I'm just so proud of you. Thank you for hanging out there with me and sticking it out and putting up with me and you're gonna have to continue because we're not going anywhere sorry, all right. Thank you guys. So much for listening. I'm sure we'll share more in the future and, um, yeah, feel free to reach out later. Bye.