248. The Lies We Believed as Christian Parents (And What It Cost Us)

This week, we dive deep into the reality of modern parenting—how it can strain your marriage, test your patience, and challenge your faith. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, disconnected from your spouse, or unsure how to raise your kids with intention, this video is for you.

We talk about the shift from just surviving to truly thriving as a family, why intentional parenting matters more than ever, and how discipline—done right—can actually create peace in your home. You’ll also hear powerful insights on keeping your marriage strong while raising kids and what it looks like to live out your faith daily within your family.

Whether you're a new parent or in the thick of raising kids, this conversation will encourage, challenge, and equip you.

Transcript

War Mindset For The Home

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Maybe this isn't true for your house, but our house is not peaceful. There are conversations and there are hard conversations and there's chaos. And that's the reality of what a Christian home looks like. Because you have to remember, you have to listen to our intro. We are at war. And so peacekeeping is not parenting. Avoiding hard moments creates bigger problems later.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

We are at war, and it's not against our neighbors, spouses, children, politicians, or whatever else we feel like we're battling against.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

So the questions are: who's the fight against? And are we winning or losing? We're the Atkins and we are a force to be reckoned with.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Are you ready to join the force?

Life Groove And Burnout Signs

SPEAKER_02 0:45

How's it going, everybody? We hope you're having a good week. Happy Tuesday, last Tuesday of the month. If you're listening to this live, how you doing this week? Are you laughing? Because we recorded two back-to-back episodes.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Yes, I'm doing the same.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

I'm doing the same as last week.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Doing the same. Actually, within the past hour and doing terrible.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Anything exciting going on in your world right now?

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Exciting. I mean, things just seem I mean things aren't bad, but things are normal. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

We're going out of town this weekend for a tournament for Carter. I feel like we finally hit a good groove in just life right now. Knock on wood, because as soon as you say that, something will happen.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

The most exciting thing is probably something we could actually talk about on a life update or something better or a different episode. But I'm finally getting my like health stuff in a much better place.

SPEAKER_02 1:36

Yeah, we do need to do a life update. Technically, I think maybe we'll do life updates on the first week of the month because this is the last week of the month. And so yeah, we'll do a life update. But yeah, that would be a good thing to talk about. You are getting your health stuff, but you don't want to do any spoilers for that.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

No.

SPEAKER_02 1:54

But yeah, I think Christmas to beginning of March was insane. We had a lot of travel. There were a lot of snow days. There was sickness and all different kinds of stuff. And I and I talked to several people who felt the same way. They're like, I feel like we haven't hit a good groove coming back. We haven't hit a good routine and yet. And it's March.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Because everything was just disrupted the entire time. And in Ohio, it seems like we still can't get the weather dialed down.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

I know. This winter has been so bad.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

It was a low of 14 today. And literally three days ago, it was 70 degrees out.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

I like what is that ran this morning, three miles.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

You're just getting that on there so you could get over there.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

Just had to say it. That's that's my short run. But my butt cheeks were numb. I've never, I've never experienced that. Yes, they were. Well, yes, because I wore leggings but no underwear. And they're very thin. And so I guess it makes sense if you think of it like that, but it was very cold.

unknown 2:57

But yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

I wish I could have seen that.

SPEAKER_02 2:59

So we'll do a life update and we'll do that next time. But

The Lies We Quietly Believe

SPEAKER_02 3:03

today we are talking about the lies that we believed as Christian parents and what it costs us. So today we're just gonna go through a few things. And I think that they're more, they are lies. We turned them into lies, but they're more pain points and struggles and just things that we've thought about that we want to share in case you guys might be struggling with the same thing, or you might just want to hear and be like, yeah, okay, solidarity. We're not alone in this. And yeah, I think that this ties into a force to be reckoned with, because the reality is as a Christian family, our we're going against culture and we have to go against the green. And we've talked about this, and it often feels like swimming upstream, and it's exhausting.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

I mean, at the end of the day, parenting's hard. It's and it's always hard, and it's always has been hard, and I think it'll it always will be hard because there's so many variables.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

There's so many variables. There's personalities, there's culture, there's what's going on, you know, personally in your home.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

Yeah. Yeah. Your kids' personalities are different. You have what culture's telling you. There's so much information out there on parenting. So if you want to try to be a good parent, there's all kinds of different books and tactics that are like completely opposite of each other. Yeah. And then you always have the age old, like where you're trying to do things differently than maybe when you were a parent or when you were a kid. Like there are things that you learn from your parents that you want to do. And there's things that you felt like from your childhood that your parents you didn't like. So you're trying to do something different. And you just mesh all of these different things together.

SPEAKER_02 4:39

And you want to get it right.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Yeah. And I always joke and just say to people, I I usually will say this when somebody says, Oh, your kids are so good. And I'm sitting there thinking, like, dude, do you even know my kids? But I'm like, Hey, at the end of the day, parenting is this giant experiment.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

As long as we look good, that's all that matters. That's one of the lies.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

Well, but at the end of the day, parenting is this experiment. And my joke is like it's a giant experiment, and you really don't know how you did until for you know 30 years.

SPEAKER_02 5:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

But then you throw that in there too. It's like you could have done everything right.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

And your kids still have free will to make their own choices. So you could have done everything right and they still choose to do their own things that maybe aren't great.

SPEAKER_02 5:17

Mm-hmm. So what's the point? All right. That's the end of the episode.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

I think the point, honestly, the point is though, is like just is to do the is to follow God and do the best that you can in the moment. Like just do the best that you can with what you the tools that you've got in front of you.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

No, but seriously, I think one of the biggest threats to Christian families right now isn't even outside culture. And I know that's a real thing outside culture, but it's the lies that we've slowly started believing inside of our own homes. Lies that sound good, things that start to feel normal, lies that most people wouldn't even question. But over time, they just get integrated into our lives, kind of like what we talked about in the Lindsay Maestis episode in our marriage. And then they're quietly and slowly pulling families apart. And so today we would just want to call a few of those out because if we don't recognize the lie, then we can't replace it with.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

Absolutely. Like if you think about it, those are the like best tactics of the enemy, are things that feel good or seem good, but really aren't good. Because there's obvious things as parents that you don't want your kids to do and that you shouldn't do. And so what's a better tactic than to have one that's like a Trojan horse? It's like a bad thing hidden under something that seems good.

SPEAKER_02 6:34

Yeah. Yeah. So we're gonna take those good lies, debunk them, and we're then replace them with things that are even better. With each lie, we've have scripture to tie to what what the Bible says about those things. And so really excited about

Margin Returns When Survival Ends

SPEAKER_02 6:48

that. Side note, this is probably a more life update topic, but I just want to say it feels so good to be back here recording regularly. And I will hit on it more, but just really quickly, I just feel like my creativity is starting to come back. I'm enjoying this again. I could have never had the brain space to think about these things or even see them in our life where I was six months ago because I was genuinely in so much survival that I'm just realizing how much survival I was in. And so that's the first thing I want to say. Like, we all go through hard seasons and crazy seasons. I was 1000% in survival and so burnout. And I realized it this week when I was just crossing little to-dos off my list. This is so dumb. And people are gonna be like, You're crazy, Bethany. But anybody who's in genuine burnout or survival right now would will relate to this. So I've Liberty and My Iron dance class and I've been taking them. I always take them on Mondays and Tuesdays, and their dance recitals coming up in May. So we got sent, we got sent their document about their dance recitals a couple weeks ago. And if I had gotten that document and I was in that spot six months ago, I wouldn't be reading that document until the night before. Because not even because I didn't want to, because I couldn't put one more thing in my brain. It would, it was like, it would give me chest palpitations. Like I was so completely maxed out, I couldn't take in one more piece of information, one more piece of content, one more thing on my list until that thing was like just about to be happening. And I realized it, I was like sitting there and it's March 16th, and I'm reading about, you know, dress rehearsals are on May 28th or May 29th, and then the dance recital is on May 30th. And here's what you have to do, and here's what tickets. And I'm like, this is helpful. This is good. I have this on my calendar, and that's normal, right? And I was just like, okay, I feel like I'm starting to come back to myself, which I know it sounds so dumb, but like as a mom and a wife whose primary responsibility is to keep the peace in the home and keep the order in the home, I'm just more and more realizing how poor of a job I was doing, not because I was being lazy, but just simply because I had way too much on my plate. And so yeah, it just feels really good because these things are things that we're still working on and we need to continuously be intentional at. And we're not perfect by any means, but when you don't have that margin to give that intention to your family, that's one of the issues is I genuinely believe that the enemy is attacking families right now by maxing us out.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

And so Yeah, I feel like when you had too much on your plate, our life was like a coloring book and we only had two crayons.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

But now explain. What do you mean?

SPEAKER_01 9:54

It's like it's like we're trying to color the picture of life and like we're trying to have success and get things done, but we only have these two crayons, and it's like we're getting the page colored, but it's not good as beautiful as it should be.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Now I feel like you have more so maybe we have like four crayons now. Uh maybe a box of twelve, you know? We can work our way up to the 64 box.

SPEAKER_02 10:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Uh over time. But yeah, that's what it feels like.

SPEAKER_02 10:20

Yeah, I would agree with that. That makes total sense. And I feel that too. So I'm glad that you you feel that. But all right. So let's dive into

Lie One Good Busy Means Fine

SPEAKER_02 10:28

it. Okay, so lie number one.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

Oh, you want me to say it? Okay. If we're busy with good things, we're doing fine. We're doing fine. We're busy. It's we got good stuff going on, everything's fine.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

So the way we structured this is the lie, how this lie can show up, which it's not an exhaustive list, and then what the problem is, and then sweet tied scripture. So the lie is if we're busy with good things, we're doing fine. How this shows up, some examples are sports every single night, church activities nonstop. Even too much of a good thing is not good. Uh yeah. No margin, no connection. Kind of just what we were talking about.

SPEAKER_01 11:05

Like, and you have to figure out what works for you to provide that margin because sports under the right perspective can be a very good thing. Like when I'm coaching, honestly, my biggest motivation in coaching is that I can teach our players life skills through sports. I can teach them how to overcome adversity, how to work hard at things and get better at things, how to work as a team, all of these good things. But when that is taking all of your time, you're just running from one thing to the next and you have no margin, you can get burnt out. It can be not good. And the same thing, like you said, with church activities. If you're, if you're constantly going to every single thing that they have available at church all the time, too, and you don't have any margin, you don't have any time to to rest. You don't have any time to, you know, you have on here to to connect. So you can get burnt out too, thinking that you're, you know, serving or you're doing a good thing by being at church all the time. And that's not it's not a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 12:06

And it's not living. And that's what I realize. Sometimes I look back on the last few years and I now as I'm starting to live, it's like I was being so like legalistic about my productivity that I wasn't even living. Like I was getting up every day and going through getting things done, but I wasn't living. I wasn't, you know, we've been talking about we're building puzzles with the kids and just even connecting in the evening more and just hanging out. And there have been several scenarios over the last few weeks where I've caught myself in the moment. For example, if somebody will stop over impromptu over the last few years, if that would happen, in my whole like time in my mind when they would be here. This is terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible. And I never wanted to be this way. But they I would in my mind be thinking, okay, I need you to leap. I need you to leap. I need you to leave because we've got too maxed out. I can't do this right now. Over the last several months, like I have been able to welcome that stuff. And and people would stop, somebody stopped over the other day, and we had like a 40-minute conversation. And I was like, this is just where God has me right now. This is what God, this is the conversation where God needed me right now. And maybe it was for them or maybe it was for me. But that's living. That's living.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

Yeah. And there are multiple times where we've had so much going on that even like our kids having friends over felt too much. Felt too much. And you have to stop and think. And it was like, this is this is what we wanted. We want our kids to want to have their friends at our house. We want to be a family of impact and be a fun family and a safe place for these kids to come to. And when we don't even have enough margin to be able to spend time or not be annoyed or be nice, it's like that's not a good sign. And see, you have to learn too that no is a complete sentence. Yeah. You really need to evaluate things, pray, and ask God. God will show you if it's something that He really wants you to do. And sometimes it may even be trying it out and seeing if it works. There's been multiple times now where we've even served at the church for short periods of time to see if it was something that we should do. And it wasn't something that was working well for our family.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

As much as we wanted to make it happen.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

Yeah. And it could be things that you're good at. It could be things that you look at and you say, Oh, I could even sometimes the trap is, well, if I don't do this, then it's not going to be done as well. Yeah. And, you know, that can be okay. Yeah. It can be okay if somebody else does it. God has may have that for somebody else. It's not for you.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Yeah. And I just want to say that it's FOMO is a real thing. So it's a, and that's going to happen. So, like if your calendar is very full and you're feeling like, okay, I feel this burnout happening, but I don't want to let this go. I'm scared to miss out on this. I don't feel like anybody else is capable of this. One, God will fill the seat with who is meant to fill it. And if you're not meant to fill it, you're taking somebody else's seat in it. And two, it's okay to have FOMO. Like, it's okay to feel like I might miss out on this, but God has something better for me in a quiet season. And those are things I've just had to accept in this season of life of like, you don't always have to produce, you don't always have to be doing. And you can have empty space on your calendar. And it might be empty in your eyes, but God will fill that with things that He wanted to fill it with. And the scripture that we're tying to this is uh Luke 10, 41 and 42, story of Martha and Mary. And it says, Martha, Martha, the Lord answered, You're worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed, or indeed only one. And it was when Mary was sitting at Jesus' feet and Martha is running around the house.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

Yeah, baking, getting food prepared, trying to serve Jesus, get his food ready, clean things up, and all of that. And Martha is just sitting at his feet.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

And the one thing that was needed is Jesus just wanted Martha to spend time with him. And I think that that is a great reminder for this first lie. Because one, if you're not making space to spend time with Jesus, that's like the number one. But two, those blank spaces are giving yourself permission, surrendering, surrendering your life over to God and saying, God, do at this time and this day what you will have with it and not just what I will have. And I know there's still things that we need to get done and you need to be productive and all of that, but there's a limit. And we all have those limits. So yeah, that is lie number

Lie Two Faith Will Happen Naturally

SPEAKER_02 16:40

one. Lie number two, our kids will figure out faith on their own. This is a tough one, and something we're still figuring out. And it's like I do think sometimes we go both ends of the spectrum where one, we're trying to control it so much because we want it so bad for them, and we we don't even give them enough space to let them write their own faith story or work out their own testimony, or two, you rely too much on oh God, the Holy Spirit will you're lazy and complacent. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:13

Yeah. And, you know, so so in that, I mean, at the end of the day, whether your kids choose to accept Jesus or not is on them. It's a personal decision between them and God. And God gives them the free will to do that. But I don't remember the exact verse, but the Bible also God says also raise your child up in the way that they should go, and it will never leave them. So it is our job to still do something. It's our responsibility as parents to raise our kids up in the way that they should go, to raise them in Jesus, to expose them to Jesus, to talk to them about Jesus, to live out our faith in front of them. At the end of the day, it is between them and them and God, right? So we can't rely on other people to do it for us. And we we can't make the decision for our kids, but there is a spot in between where we are called to do something. And in reality, that kind of goes with a lot of things. Like when you really think about it, we've talked about this a few times where Jesus was performing a miracle, and there was there's multiple times where he was he would ask them to do something about it, to stand up and walk, to open your eyes, and he would heal the blind and make the lame walk, and he would ask them to do something in that. So there is action that needs to take place in that, and we have to be obedient in what the Bible tells us to do as far as parenting our kids. But at the end of the day, and we even said this earlier, is like we can do as good of a job as we on paper as we can, but our kids still have free will.

SPEAKER_02 18:44

Yeah. I so I our kids will figure out faith on their own. One thing we didn't say was how this can show up, which it can be saying, well, we send them to church on Sundays and they go to youth group, and that's enough. And, you know, that we listen to Christian music and and that's enough, or and they'll figure it out from there. And I'm just trusting the Holy Spirit to work on them. And I I agree with everything that you said, but I think that discipleship is huge. It's the most important thing. And I and I think that when we get, I can explain what that looks like in our family. But yeah, when we get to heaven, when we die, we're gonna hear, well done, my good and faithful servant, or turn away from me, for I never knew you. And part of that is how we handle our kids and their how we disciple them. Yeah, the people around us matters, but we were given our kids. God gave us those kids to raise them up, just like you said. We are do Deuteronomy 6, 6 through 7. It says, Impress them on your children. The the the commandments, these commandments are to be on your hearts, impress them on your children, talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road. So we're supposed to live that out and we're supposed to disciple our kids. That means having a conversation, and that is so exhausting. Um, I think what I meant by like two ends of the spec the pendulum. One, it was you we can say, memorize this scripture. You have to go to church, you have to love Jesus, you have to say these prayers. And I I think that having those practices are important, but I don't think that's super effective. Kids are more impacted by the way they see us live and by the conversations that we have, the explanation of no, we're not going to allow you to have this social media app because this is our conviction and this is what the Bible says.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

Yeah, I think it's good to have your kids memorize Bible verses and to go to church. But if that's all you're doing and they don't see you also living out your faith, like if you're just telling them to do that, but they don't see you living out your faith too, then it's empty.

SPEAKER_02 21:00

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

Right? It is more legalistic in that sense. So it's okay to have your kids, and you should, you should have your kids memorize Bible verses and you should teach them how to pray and things like that. But they should also see you living out your faith, or you're not you're not discipling well. That's not true discipleship. It's like rules without any love. So they need to know, they need to see that you're following Jesus as well.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

So yeah, it's living it out and being a so you're a family on mission. This is our mission, this is where we're going as a family. And if you haven't heard the Elizabeth Dixon episode, we'll link it in the show notes. Check that out because it talks about purpose and mission and being and being a family on mission. That's the whole point of a force to be reckoned with. But then living that mission out every single day. So everything that we do as a family and every decision that we make, whether it's a yes or a no, is filtered through what is our mission and what does the Bible say? And then the living it out goes. Into constant conversations with our kids. Sometimes they're late-night conversations, and sometimes they're long conversations and they're exhausting. But that's what it looks like to help your kids figure out their faith, not necessarily hammering the Bible in, but letting them see life on display and helping them navigate the questions and helping them having conversations with them and admitting when you're wrong and you make mistakes.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

It's it's all of those things. It's I think it comes down to like the heart behind it. Is your heart right with Christ? Are you having pursuing your relationship with him? And then the rest flows out of it. Because if it's just like head knowledge, Bible head knowledge, we have to memorize and we do this, and we go to church and we do, and we're just checking boxes, but there's no love, there's no heart, there's no place that it's flowing out of. It's not flowing out of you at a as from your heart out of your pursuit of your relationship with Christ, then it's kind of dead.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

Yeah. Bottom line, if you are not intentionally discipling your kids, something else is going to. So make sure you're doing that.

Lie Three Keeping Peace Avoids Growth

SPEAKER_02 23:06

Line number three, I just need to keep the peace because we all want peaceful homes, right? Like we don't want to be those families that are always bickering, always fighting, always have conflict. And so what that can look like is avoiding discipline, not correcting behavior because it's gonna cause an all-out war, being permissive and wanting your kids to like you. And then sometimes, you know, it's not even that we want our kids to like us, but yeah, we just we want to keep the peace. But the reality is that's not what a Christian household looks like, I don't think. Yeah, we do have fun and we love each other and there can be peaceful moments, but maybe this isn't true for your house, but our house is not peaceful. There are conversations and there are hard conversations and there's chaos. And that's the reality of what a Christian home looks like. Because you have to remember, you have to listen to our intro. We are at war. And so peacekeeping is not parenting. Avoiding hard moments creates bigger problems later. And we have seen that firsthand because we've done this firsthand with all different kinds of things. Technology is our current one, just you know, trying to let things go, let things go. And then before you know it, it just spirals, and then you're having a backtrack and it's not good. And so peace in the home, yeah, it might be the goal, but it's not always the answer.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

Yeah, it reminds me. What's the the book why I didn't rebel? Rebecca last name. Yeah, shoot. I can't remember, but it reminds me of that because you have the two extremes. You have the, I think she calls it the authorit, authoritarian parent, and then the it's basically the peacemaking, peacemaking parent. And it's the same thing. It's you're you have the authoritarian that's just like, do what I say all the time. There's no explanation, there's no, it's just you have to do this, you have to do this, rules, rules, rules, punishment, punishment, punishment. And then the other one is just like, I just want to be your friend. We're gonna let things go, we're gonna talk it out, everything's gonna be fine. It's all sunshine and rainbows. And in reality, it was, I think it's the authoritative is the I could be getting this wrong, but it's it's middle ground where you have to have boundaries, you have to have guardrails, but there's there's so there are rules. There are rules of the home. You have to have rules. Without rules, there's no order, it's completely chaotic, but there can also be grace. Like you can show your kids God's grace by you showing your kids grace too. And and it just it depends on the situation and depends on what the moment calls for. It can be easier, it can be easier to just have rules. And nope, you broke the rule, you're grounded for two weeks. That's the end of the story. There's no way back, da-da-da-da-da. And there's no explanation. And then it could be also be a lot easier when it's just like, you know what, you messed up, it's fine, no big deal. We're just gonna let it go and roll off your back. That can be a lot easier too, right? But in reality, oftentimes doing the right thing is is the hard thing. And the hard thing is is nuanced. There has to be heart. There's times where you can show grace, and there are times where it's just like, no, like you broke the rule. You have to, you're grounded for two weeks, and this is what it is. But you explain it, you talk through it, and you know, each scenario just calls for a different way of of doing it.

SPEAKER_02 26:20

Yep. And Proverbs 29, 17 says, discipline your children, they will give you peace, they will bring you the delights you desire. So we've been hammering this into our older kids that that rule, that freedom, what is it?

SPEAKER_01 26:34

Discipline equals freedom. Discipline equals freedom. Jocko Willink.

SPEAKER_02 26:37

Yeah, discipline equals freedom. So when you stay within the confines of our rules and you allow us to discipline you and you follow those boundaries, that's when you get more freedom. But when there's chaos, that creates a lack of freedom. And that's why in Exodus, God created, you know, the Ten Commandments and all of the rules because people need boundaries, and um, it's just the way God created us. So short-term discomfort creates long-term peace. All right, line number four.

Lie Four Survival Mode Becomes Normal

SPEAKER_02 27:13

We're just in survival mode right now. This one feels like a personal attack.

SPEAKER_01 27:18

A jab.

SPEAKER_02 27:19

A jab.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

It's too soon. Yeah, it feels a little too soon.

SPEAKER_02 27:23

Because a lot of days we still are in survival mode. Yeah. And I think American culture operates and thrives in survival mode. I don't know about thrives, but well, that's what people think.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

We're not actually thriving, guys. America, wake up. We're not thriving in survival mode. So, how this shows up? No intentionality. We've talked about this, constant chaos, disconnect in marriage and family. I mean, this is a pattern you guys are gonna hear on the show a lot because it's a very real thing. Again, this is where the enemy shows up when we're in autopilot in survival. So the problem with it is we get comfortable in survival mode. And I can relate to this because now as I'm coming out of that, I almost, and I talked about this with Lindsay too on the episode. My body wants to live there. If I have moments of calm, it's like I can feel my nervous system being like, oh, something something's about to happen, like you gotta make it happen. This is not healthy. Ephesians 5, 15 through 16 says, be very careful then how you live, not as unwise, but as wise, making the most out of every opportunity. If we are in survival, we are not intentional, we're not truly present, and you can't make the most out of those moments.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

Yeah. And I think it yeah, it completely takes away intentionality. So I think sometimes we don't maybe even know we're in survival mode. You know, like do you feel that? It's like sometimes people don't know they're in survival mode.

SPEAKER_02 28:58

Yeah, it's just commonplace.

SPEAKER_01 28:59

Yeah, it just it becomes so norm, becomes the norm so much you don't even realize that you're in it. But I feel like a big sign would be that there isn't any real, you miss you're missing a lot of intentionality. We've been there, probably just coming out of it to an extent.

SPEAKER_02 29:17

Yeah, I think that when you're in that survival, it's like you're moving a lot, but you're not moving forward.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:23

And you know, like if you look back on the last few years, it's like we were having a there was a lot of movement happening, but there is no progression forward, no growth.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

Yeah, it's like you're you're running on a a hamster wheel. Yeah. You know, you're just running, running, running, and you're not getting anywhere and you're exhausted. And there are times where it just feels easy, like let's just go let the kids play video games, just let them go chase screens, or just ship them off to grandparents' houses. And it's all just out of this, like, this need for rest and need for just to recoup and to ease your mind. And that's really no way to live. Yeah. So at that point, you have to look at it and say, like, something's gotta give here. We've got to some a shift has to happen. We have to cut something out, or we have to shake things up on the things that we're committed to. And sometimes what you're going through, there's there isn't a a necessarily a quick way out, right? Like if I even look over the past three years and we talked about the in detail, the case with with the Jalea's kids. And there, and a lot of times it felt like we were in survival mode then too, and there really wasn't anything we could do about it. It was it's kind of like the episode where we talked about Exodus and we were in the the Israelites were wandering around in the wilderness, and it it felt like we were wandering around in the wilderness and we needed, we just needed God to come through. And then there are other times where you're almost putting yourself in the survival mode, and you can do something about it, and you need to.

SPEAKER_02 31:00

Yeah, 100%. So truth there, you don't drift into a strong family, you build on our purpose. And I think that's the difference is the drifting, like Corey was mentioning, it just kind of happens to you instead of being intentional and doing things on purpose. I think that's the big indicator of survival.

Lie Five Marriage Can Wait

SPEAKER_02 31:17

So, lie number five my marriage can wait until the kids are older. This one is so easy to just let happen again.

SPEAKER_01 31:24

Oh, wait, well, this is a lie. I didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 31:26

So how this shows up, kids come first in everything, no time for connection, emotional distance grows, and your marriage ends up being weak, which it's like, oh, well, we're just in a season of building our family right now. Well, a weak marriage equals an unstable home.

SPEAKER_01 31:43

100%. Yeah. And the order is God, spouse, kids.

SPEAKER_02 31:48

Say it with us. God, spouse, kids.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

Kids. Everything first and foremost flows out of your relationship with God. Everything else flows from that. Secondary, your wife, your husband, the healthiness of the home. This this affects your work. This affects your parenting, affects every aspect of your life, whether you realize it or not, or you're putting on a good front, is your your marriage. Everything else is affected by that. So you have to put your spouse second. Your spouse is above your kids. Your spouse is somebody that you chose, right? And I think, didn't did you say this recently or something? I don't know. Somebody said this is that I saw this as your spouse is the only relationship that you ever actually choose.

SPEAKER_02 32:35

Yeah. Yeah. I did say that, but I don't I didn't.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

You probably got it from somebody else. But like you're you're you're born into your family with your parents.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 32:43

You know, and obviously we do foster and adoptive, it's a different thing. But in cases, you're you're born into your your family. Your siblings are there. That God just puts them there. But um you're you're of your family, your spouse is the only one chosen then. And so you you have to prioritize your marriage above your kids. And because if we're not having date nights and we're not connecting, that affects the relationship with the kids. And I've seen it firsthand. I've seen it firsthand of when a spouse where husbands and wives put their kids above each other, and then it affects the entire health of the home. And you might be able to keep it up for a short term, but long term it doesn't work out. And then what do you do when the kids leave? It's just the two of you. And we haven't gotten to that point yet, but what do you do? And how many marriages end? There's I don't know what the exact statistic is, but I know that that was a there was a big thing when we were looking at different marriage statistics, is that a lot of there are quite a few marriages that end after the kids leave the home because they the parents didn't put each other first, and now it's just the two of them, they don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

Yeah. So the reality is the best thing that you can give your kids is a strong marriage. And so not putting your kids first. We love not putting our kids first.

SPEAKER_00 34:06

At eight o'clock.

SPEAKER_02 34:07

At eight o'clock, we're off the clock, and you can go entertain yourself. So we have a very long bedtime right now because of the age gaps. We have babies to bed at seven, Maya to bed at 8:30, the big kids are up till 9:30. But at 8:30, once Maya is down, we off the clock. We're off the clock. There's some nuances to that because there's intentional time that our big kids need and conversations.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

And obviously, you're never actually off the clock, but you can try to be.

SPEAKER_02 34:35

We love once all of that's taken care of and the kids don't actually need us and they come bothering us with stupid things, saying, We're on a date. We're on a date, guys. So the kids don't always come first and they need to know they don't come first. And I love to remind our big kids one day when you're married and you have kids, you will be so thankful that you had parents that made you feel like it's okay to put your spouse before your kids because that's really, really important. We need to connect because we need to like each other because when we like each other, we like you guys more.

SPEAKER_01 35:10

Yeah. So we tell them we're like, Do you want us then? Do you want parents that don't like each other?

SPEAKER_02 35:14

Right. Yeah. So yeah.

Lie Six Image Equals Health

SPEAKER_02 35:16

Line number six. As long as we look like a good family, we are one.

SPEAKER_01 35:20

This obviously is pretty IG it, filter it, send it.

SPEAKER_02 35:25

Pretty obvious. Like, if anybody would ask this, like, do you believe that if you look like a good family, you are one? People would say, obviously not. But do you actually believe that? Because how many of us are trying to look the part? How many of us are trying to show up when we go to church, show up when we go to the event, show up on social media with this image, portraying this image that we have it all together, that we have our kids like in order, that we're good parents and we don't have any struggles and all of this performance.

SPEAKER_01 36:02

And let me just be honest, guys. People know.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

People know.

SPEAKER_01 36:06

We know. Everybody can smell inauthenticity. That's why when you had the like five or 10 year like big rain on social media where everybody was filtering and posting their best life and all this stuff, coming out of that, people crave authenticity. Even if it's not something they agree with, even if it's not something that looks great, people feel like they can trust people more that are uh authentic. People know. People know when you're because they know because they're not buttoned up. Nobody's all the way buttoned up. So then when they look at a look at your family and and you're putting off this this performance that you're there's nothing wrong, they know that that's that's crap because everybody has problems.

SPEAKER_02 36:50

Yeah. So just stop putting on the act. I mean, it's easier said than done because we do live in a world in a country that cares so much about image and keeping up with the Joneses. That's why this whole podcast, way back when it started, was called the Adkins Highlight Reel R-E-A-L, because I was so sickened by the facades. The revelation that I had is like you can you could literally be perfect. You could be in the best shape, have a six-pack, have the best hair, the best style, the best makeup, and the best personality. And there will still be people who have a problem with you. So imagine how exhausting it would be to achieve that perfection, right? Now just be who you are, who God made you to be. There's still gonna be people who don't like you, but there's also gonna be people who love you. So, and it's the same for your family. Yeah, just say this is who we are, take it or leave it, and you'll find your people.

SPEAKER_01 37:48

And we should always pursue growth in that, but you can also let your struggles and let your mistakes be known and be seen. And that also creates, you know, if you're putting on a show, you really it makes it difficult to connect with others, to make to connect with good friends, to have deep, meaningful relationships because you never truly get to know each other. You get to know people deeper through knowing them more fully. And that means knowing the good, the bad, and the ugly and sharing in those struggles and going through struggles with people. I mean, think about like we're our small group right now. We're going through and telling everybody's stories. I actually I feel more closely connected to people, knowing all the the hard stuff that they've gone through than I'm ever did before.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

Yeah, than I ever would have if they were like, yeah, this is my house. This is my cool dish set, and these are my coffee mugs, and like this is my cool car. Like, I don't, we're not gonna connect over that. I want to know your dirty laundry, dude. I want to be able to pray for you, you know. But the scripture for this one was 1 Samuel 16:7. The Lord does not look at the things people look at, the Lord looks at the heart. And that's what we should be striving for. We should be striving for what God cares about. And ultimately, what God cares about is what we should care about. So God cares about more about what is happening in your home than how it looks to others, and that should give you peace.

SPEAKER_01 39:16

If you're pursuing God authentically and rawly and doing the best to follow his plan for you, and you're doing the things that he has for you, or at least trying your best to do the things that he has for you, and who cares? Who cares what anybody else thinks? Doesn't matter, does not matter.

SPEAKER_02 39:33

All right, six flies, six

Final Recap And Send Off

SPEAKER_02 39:35

things.

SPEAKER_01 39:35

We should have had a seven.

SPEAKER_02 39:38

All right, we hope that you guys have a good week. Is there anything else you want to add?

SPEAKER_01 39:41

I think that's pretty much it. Stay classy.

SPEAKER_02 39:43

All right.