Breaking the Trauma Bond

Haunted by the chains of loyalty to someone who's hurt you? You're not alone. Today, we unveil the daunting reality of trauma bonding, peeling back the layers of emotional entanglement that often masquerade as love. Your heartache, that desperate need for approval from someone who should protect, not harm you—it's a painful riddle we're committed to solving. Through a heartfelt dialogue, we'll explore the roots of why we sometimes find ourselves in harmful embraces, mistaking them for refuge. From the 'fawn response' that traces back to our earliest heartbreaks to the way we might unwittingly place an abuser's wants above our own, we're laying bare the foundations of these toxic ties.

With guidance and compassion, we chart a course toward breaking free from the cycles that bind us. Compare the perplexity of a trauma bond with the infamous Stockholm Syndrome, and discover the emotional paradoxes that victims face. We'll share narratives that span the spectrum—from extreme cases that echo our deepest fears to the subtler forms of neglect that erode our well-being. Our conversation doesn't just illuminate the dark corners; it offers practical steps for liberation, the power of self-reflection, and the transformative impact of emotional awareness. Above all, we underscore the invaluable relationship with oneself and the divine, fostering a nurturing space where self-love and confidence reign, lighting the path to recovery and genuine connection. Join us as we confront these shadows and move towards a future where our bonds are not born of trauma, but of trust and mutual respect.

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Trauma Bonding in Relationships
• 7:32 Recognizing and Breaking Trauma Bonds
• 21:08 Strengthening Relationships for Self-Love

Transcript

Speaker 1: 2:27

Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. So today we're going to be talking about trauma bonding, because I think this is a really important topic to discuss, especially in lieu of last week's topic where we talked about you know the nice guy again, and how we can possibly get ourselves stuck in relationships where we're like why am I giving him another chance? Why is it that I keep doing things this way? And, number one, I just want you guys to know it's not necessarily your fault. There is such a thing as a trauma bond that people have right now. Again, I also want to reiterate that this doesn't mean that all guys who do really dumb things aren't worth, you know, trying to work on the relationship with. If you're feeling unsafe, though, if you're feeling unsafe, though, if you're feeling like your body is going to be in physical harm in some way, you really need to look at that, and I really do want to encourage you to get yourself safe. With that said, let's dive into what is a trauma bond. A trauma bond is basically where someone feels very, very loyal, very, very connected, like they have to create a life, in a sense, for someone who is abusing them. Okay, in a sense, for someone who is abusing them, okay, you may experience happiness, contentment, sympathy, compassion and a deep love, but also it comes with a lot of confusion and you might even think to yourself that if I just make this person happy, then I will be deserving of love. This is a thought that is often a sign of someone who has a trauma bond and they fawn. This is something that is often picked up in childhood through developmental trauma or childhood traumas. Well, they're different. Childhood trauma is specific to childhood, but developmental trauma is something that can actually happen anywhere in life, since we have different stages of development. So I'm speaking specifically to childhood trauma here, because when we're children, our psyches are usually the most pliable and the most developed, well, easily developed by another person, and so we as children, especially if we have experienced trauma, can tend to get into this fawn response, which is severe, people pleasing. If you think about like a fawn or like a baby fawn. One of the things that they're very good at doing is hiding Right. One of the things that they're very good at doing is hiding Right. But as a child, we also know that we need our parents to survive. If we don't have parents there and we can't survive on our own. Yet we just kind of know this instinctively we can't leave the toxic situation because we are reliant on our parents to take care of us. And so what do we tend to do? We tend to hide very precious parts of ourselves, hide the things that are making other people upset. Hide, hide, hide. Right. And since we can't actually crawl under our beds without somebody finding us, what we tend to do is people please. We hide behind, making sure they're happy, putting ourselves last, putting our wants, our goals, our dreams in the trash. Hey, they don't matter anymore. All that matters is this person. And so we tend to learn trauma bonding and conflict avoidance in childhood, and there's a lot of people around the world right now that are dealing with this thing. Ok, so some signs that you might be having some trauma bonding is and I'm reading this, by the way, off of the domestic shelters dot org site If you feel stuck and powerless in a relationship or want to make the best of it.

Speaker 1: 7:32

You don't want, you don't know if you trust the other person, but you just can't leave. You describe your relationship as intense and complex. There are promises of things getting better in the future. You focus on the good in the person, despite behaviors you know are abuse. You think you can change your abusive partner. Your friends and your family have advised you to leave the relationship, but you still stay. You find yourself defending the relationship if others criticize it. Now, this is a big one. That I see a lot of my clients do is they defend, they defend, they defend, and the abusive partner constantly lets you down, but you believe them anyway. So those are some signs that you might be in a trauma bond.

Speaker 1: 8:20

The other thing about trauma bonding that I want you guys to know is it's very similar to Stockholm Syndrome, in which, you know, a person who is kidnapped forms an attachment to their captor. So an example of this, a few, I want to say it was a couple of years ago and I think it was in Georgia, but I can't remember for sure Georgia, but I can't remember for sure there was a man who was arrested from this person's garage. He had been living up in the attic of the garage and he had kidnapped this girl and was living upstairs with this girl for several years like not years, sorry, several months and he was consistently beating her and raping her and anytime she got pregnant she'd like, he'd like, stomp on her stomach and make her miscarry and beat her again for whatever. He was high on drugs. He got her addicted to drugs and through it all, even though she had the ability to leave, she didn't. Even though she had the ability to leave, she didn't because she had developed this emotional bond with her abuser. She had to have lots and lots and lots of therapy to deconstruct that emotional bond. Now that's a very, very, uh, very extreme example of a type of trauma bond. But that's what Stockholm Syndrome is. It's someone who feels like they are connected, like they have to defend and protect the person that is hurting them. So an example of someone who might have a lesser trauma bond Say, we have Stacy.

Speaker 1: 10:38

Stacy is a wonderful mom. She's a wonderful wife. She's consistently cooking dinner. She's consistently keeping the house clean. As a matter of fact, she's also running an online business. And Stacey's doing all of this while her husband does nothing. He refuses to get a job. All he wants to do is spend time on his phone or play video games At church.

Speaker 1: 11:07

Stacey has to take care of all the kids. She's consistently having to carry the diaper bag, all the kids' things. She's running the kids to the bathroom one at a time, sometimes because the other one failed to tell her that he needed to go to the bathroom. But the dad, her husband, when the little boy says I've got to go potty, says wait for your mom. So while she's taking her other child potty, the little boy wets his pants in church because dad does nothing. When they get home from church he starts to get angry at Stacy because she allowed her little boy to wet his pants, even though she was taking someone else to the bathroom To wet his pants. Even though she was Taking someone else to the bathroom. There's a few dishes in the sink Because she hasn't gotten around To cleaning up and he gets mad at her Because he's not. She's not keeping his house clean and stomps into the den To go play video games Because he can't handle the situation. When somebody points this out to Stacy, she defends him. Oh, but he's so good with the kids, sometimes he's so sweet. He takes me on romantic walks. The kids adore him. They want to play with him all the time and she tends to defend and defend and defend. And she works harder at trying to please her husband instead of setting a boundary.

Speaker 1: 12:56

This is another example of a trauma bond. This is another example of a trauma bond Someone who will do absolutely anything for the person that they're with. Even though they're not having anything reciprocated, even though they're dealing with abuse and neglect, they will still do anything possible to try to help their person. It doesn't matter what happens to them, and they're consistently putting themselves last. This is an example of a trauma bond. So I'm going to talk to you guys about four different ways that we can start to break trauma bonds. Well, number one we need to educate ourselves about trauma and especially relationship trauma. See, trauma bonding is a type of relationship trauma, and so when we're studying about trauma in our relationships and, instead of blaming ourselves and wondering why, we're blaming ourselves for their actions and their consequences and we're trying to take on their consequences this is also a big one that I see women do who are in a trauma bond when we start to really get curious about the reasons why our life is the way it is, we can start to see how we could possibly be in a trauma-bonded relationship. So it's important to start studying about your relationships. I would study relationship trauma. I would study trauma bonding for short. I would study trauma bonding for sure. I would study the fawn response in people. Study gaslighting People who have a trauma bond are often people who are gaslit. Study the mentalities of victims of trauma.

Speaker 1: 15:02

Second, create your non-negotiables and I talked about this in the last podcast as well. You want to be able to really understand what it is you want. Now, sometimes, if you're in a trauma bond and you have been taught your entire life to put what you want aside, that it's not okay to have goals, dreams and desires right, then you know this might be something that's a little tricky for you, but you've really got to sit with yourself for a little bit. See, oftentimes we think trauma is assigned to speed up, when again it's actually those emotions are assigned to slow down and get curious about why we're having the emotional response we are. That is also another way to educate yourself is to get curious about your emotions, why they are showing up, and they can also start helping us understand what are our non-negotiables.

Speaker 1: 16:09

What do we really want in a relationship? Because the truth of the matter is is we want safety. If you're in a trauma bond, you want safety big time. You are begging for safety because you are trying to give yourself safety and protect yourself by making yourself completely unavailable even to you, completely not seen. Your world has to be about everyone else and people pleasing. That is the FON response, and that means that your amygdala in your brain is saying you're not safe, you're not safe, you're not safe. Remember that the four things that our brain does to keep us safe are fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Safety is a big deal to you, and so one of the things that is going to be a non-negotiable is safety, but safety in a healthy way.

Speaker 1: 17:20

So maybe, perhaps you might say that one of your non-negotiables is also to be cherished, that the other person takes your safety very seriously. What does it look like to be cherished? What does it look like to matter to another person? What does it look like to feel important, to feel protected, to feel safe? What do you want for the other person? Do you want their happiness? Then we need to give them the opportunity to be responsible for that happiness, and that needs to be one of the non-negotiables. They need to go out and actually do things for themselves. Communication could be another non-negotiable. You need to communicate with me what you want to do, just so I know what to plan. Trust can be another non-negotiable A relationship with God. That's one of my non-negotiables. What are your non-negotiables in a relationship? Figure out at least see if you can like. Figure out your list and see if you can condense it down to 10 or even 5 non-negotiables.

Speaker 1: 18:58

Three set boundaries. Now, remember a boundary is not about what you want them to do, but it is about what you will do If you're not feeling safe financially because your partner is not sharing the money, they're not giving you some autonomy over making some decisions for you financially. If they view the money as their money but not our money, then it's also important for you to go get your money. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave the house. There's many ways online that you can create income today, many ways. It just takes you getting in and doing a little bit of research. Again, if this is something you would like some help with, feel free to schedule a call.

Speaker 1: 19:53

You can also listen to my podcast my podcasts, I should say, about setting boundaries and what are the magic seven types of boundaries. Remember that the magic seven is your listening boundary, which is your number one boundary, your talking boundary, your physical boundary, your sexual boundary, your energetic boundary, your time boundary and your money boundary. All of these things are very, very important in having a very happy and fulfilled life. So what will you do in each one of those boundaries? What will you do in each one of those situations if those boundaries are violated? It is all about you and what you will do. And the fourth thing is to know yourself and know yourself well, very, very well. If you have a deep appreciation for who you are, then you become important enough to protect.

Speaker 1: 21:08

I always say that our first two main relationships is our relationship with God and our relationship with ourselves. Through those two relationships comes the ability to create relationships with other people, other people who actually do want to get in and support us, who are not going to threaten us and who will work with us in that relationship, somebody who will actually cherish you. But it comes first and foremost through really consistently strengthening the first two relationships, which is your relationship with God, or your highest form of love, and your relationship with yourself. Know who you are, love that person. When we do those things, that naturally will break a trauma bond, because instead of making everyone else important in the world, our two main priorities become God and ourself, and not in a toxic way, because if we're worried about what God not worried but concerned with what God thinks and says and wants us to do, and we are concerning ourselves with his opinion and the truth of it, then we will see ourselves in such a light that makes us makes it really hard for us to be selfish, but very easy to be humble and teachable, and we will love those things about ourselves and because we love ourselves, not loathe.

Speaker 1: 22:51

Loathing comes with self-preservation and that is not the same thing as having a high confidence. Self-preservation looks a lot like bullying and attacking before the other person can attack that self-preservation. That is not self-love. But self-love gives you the ability to act in a way that makes you proud of yourself and sometimes that looks like breaking not sometimes, sometimes all the time. Actually that looks like breaking that trauma bond Because you love yourself enough to not fall for somebody else's bad behavior. All right, my loves. I hope that this was helpful. Again, if you would love some extra help and get free of your own trauma bonds or earn your own money or even increase the money that you're earning now, feel free to book that call. Find the beauty in your life, to be able to reclaim your sense of self and to set your own goals and dreams, without the trauma Book that call let's chat, and until then I'll see you guys on the other side. Bye.