5 Boundries That Will Shut Down a Narcicist

What if reclaiming your worth could transform your entire life? Join me, Erin Anderson, as we unravel the complexities of healing from betrayal trauma and setting boundaries with narcissistic partners. Hear the inspiring tale of my dear friend who rediscovered her value and escaped the clutches of an abusive relationship. This episode promises to guide you through recognizing your own worth and establishing the boundaries necessary to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Narcissists often present a duality reminiscent of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, using manipulative tactics like gaslighting and backhanded compliments to erode your confidence. We'll explore how these behaviors isolate you from your support systems and discuss how to identify the telltale signs of narcissistic manipulation in various contexts, including family and work. Understanding these dynamics is crucial in reclaiming control over your life and maintaining your mental well-being.

Setting strong boundaries is essential in managing interactions with narcissists, and I share five key strategies to help you do just that. Learn to trust your experiences, meet your needs independently, and recognize disrespectful behavior. This episode empowers you to maintain your self-respect and confidence, providing a roadmap to decide whether a relationship is worth continuing. Plus, connect with a supportive community through my free Facebook group and Instagram page, and take the next step in your healing journey alongside others who understand your struggle.

Chapters

• 2:33 Healing From Narcissistic Relationship Trauma
• 17:49 Recognizing and Healing Narcissistic Relationships
• 26:34 Establishing Boundaries With Narcissistic Relationships
• 42:04 Connecting With Betrayal Trauma Community

Transcript

Speaker 1: 2:34

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you have tuned in. Today. Let's get talking about how to heal from betrayal trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with betrayal trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here.

Speaker 1: 3:36

Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves. So that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you. And even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live truly live free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle.

Speaker 1: 5:09

Today I thought I'd record an episode that I think would be very, very interesting to those of you because I know a lot of you feel like you're dealing with a narcissistic partner and, granted, again, it's a label right, and labels aren't always helpful for either the partner in the toxic relationship or the one that's creating the toxicity, and the reason being is because we all have our demons, we all have things that we need to deal with. But there are also some of you that are really struggling in a relationship with an actual narcissist or someone that probably definitely exhibits their fair share of narcissistic traits, and so I get a lot of questions about, like, what do I do? Like how do I deal with this person? Because I'm feeling more isolated, I'm feeling abandoned, I'm feeling betrayed, I'm feeling XYZ and I'm feeling more isolated, I'm feeling abandoned, I'm feeling betrayed, I'm feeling X, y, z and I'm feeling unheard, and these are things that happen a lot in the. There are five boundaries that I recommend for someone dealing with a narcissistic partner, and they work very, very well, because one thing that gets you either out of a relationship with a narcissist or changes the relationship in your favor, I should say, or in the favor of the relationship in general, is boundaries. You definitely need to have boundaries in every single relationship. Personal boundaries are very good, very safe. We're all for them.

Speaker 1: 7:08

But let's go ahead and talk about some of the things, first and foremost, that a narcissist looks for in a partner, and the reason why I want to point this out is because a narcissist preys on the faults of another individual, and oftentimes I'm not saying, like you, my listeners are narcissistic, even though we all have narcissistic traits, but oftentimes I have seen narcissists getting together with narcissists, and boy does that ever create some tension, and that can be miserable. If you're a child of two narcissistic parents who are consistently fighting and competing with each other, competing for you, competing with you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Okay, it can be very difficult. So let's talk about some of the things that a narcissist looks for in a partner. Number one they actually look for people who are strong-willed, successful, confident, attractive and all of the trophies. They like trophy people. To give you an example, this was years and years and years ago.

Speaker 1: 8:29

But I had a good friend of mine and she's just absolutely gorgeous. Like think of the standard of beauty and she's got it. But she married someone who would parade her around in public but then totally ignore her behind closed doors and expect certain things of her, and we're talking about things like sexual favors, we're talking about things like cleaning the house, get me a beer, that kind of thing. And so behind closed door there's a lot of disrespect and in front of people she was a bragging right Like look what I got, and almost kind of like she was nothing better than the deer he would hunt. Obviously that relationship did not last. She finally realized that she was better than that and that she deserved more in a relationship than being the trophy wife and the maid. She knew she deserved more than that. And now she's remarried Great guy, happy family.

Speaker 1: 9:50

But one of the things that she told me was that one of her biggest fears in a relationship, or biggest flaws or character flaws, is that she knew she was beautiful. She knew she was gorgeous and she wanted to be humble, she didn't want to have an over-inflated sense of ego, and he would pray on this and he'd say things like oh, look at your pride, like wow, could you possibly possibly get an more inflated ego? Or he'd say something along the lines of well, good wives clean the house. Or he'd say something along the lines of well, good wives will get their husbands beers because they appreciate them Right. Because they appreciate them Right and he is he would Purposefully Attack Her weaknesses and prey on them so that way he could consistently have what he wanted with her, which was the disrespect, but also the trophy way, right.

Speaker 1: 12:50

Something that was also really interesting about my friend is she had had a lot of childhood trauma as well. Um, now she I, I grew up with this girl and I can tell you she's she's had just this beauty with her for a very, very long time, and she was the one that most boys growing up sought after. They wanted to date her, and it tended to become kind of a trauma for her because, even though she was gorgeous, absolutely beautiful, she tended to believe that's all she was worth. And even though she went out and she had degrees, she was successful in a lot of areas and she had a lot of confidence in a lot of areas To other people. She believed she was nothing but a face, that she didn't have anything more to give, and he prayed on that as well, and it was largely due to some of the things that previous boys had taught her. So it makes sense that she'd get into a relationship where her husband would treat her that way, and I don't know the extent and everything of all of the childhood trauma that she received, but I do remember her speaking to me about that particular incident and you know, bless her heart, you know she, she left him. She, she got away from him and she started living on her own, being her own person, and this whole new version of herself came out from that marriage, from that marriage, and so she doesn't look at it like it was a bad thing. It was very difficult, but it gave her the ability to fly in a lot of ways. But it wasn't until she started setting some of these boundaries for herself that things really started to shift and change, and we'll go over those boundaries again in just a second.

Speaker 1: 15:08

So again, a narcissist looks for someone who they can manipulate. Sometimes they'll prey on people who actually don't have a lot of confidence right. They look for those confidence flaws because that is exactly what they're going to get in and try to manipulate, to control you. Because if they can get the person or their partner to doubt themselves in any way, then what they start to do is they start to say, okay, I can't think through this situation and so it's going to be better if my partner does the thinking for me. And that's where a narcissist wants us. They want to be able to gaslight, they want to be able to mentally manipulate, they want to be able to do those things, because then they they stay in the but I look good.

Speaker 1: 16:07

Another incident I had a previous client who was also another very successful businesswoman and she did a lot to contribute to her family. But her husband was constantly tearing it down, constantly making snide remarks about her business. And oh, that's such a cute little thing that you play at right. Just a very backhanded compliment. And she finally would get mad at him. And she would why do you talk to me this way? Why are you doing this? And he totally took on the victim role Because he had to be the one that looked good. He would complain about her to everyone else and how she just wasn't mentally stable, even though he would mentally manipulate her, and when she'd get mad about it and everybody's going to get mad after being mentally manipulated for a while, after being mentally manipulated for a while, he made it look like he was the victim, that he was the one struggling so he could keep the status quo, that he could be the status symbol, that he could still look superior and still look like the good guy. And that's a very common thread in narcissists. They have to look like the good guy. And that's a very common thread in narcissists is they have to look like the good guy at your expense.

Speaker 1: 17:49

And I have seen a lot of women and men even come through relationships where this has been the case, where you know their partner has to be the good guy Jekyll, mr Hyde kind of a thing. When they're Mr Hyde, they're awful, they're evil, they're manipulative, they seek to destroy, but when they're Dr Jekyll, they're great, they're super smart, they're witty, they're the life of the party, everybody loves them. So they want to paint you out to be the problem, and they're very, very good at that. So what are some of the things that a narcissist will do well. Number one like I said, they withhold affection or attention, emotional intimacy or physical intimacy. They withhold the things that create a positive experience in the relationship. They'll gaslight, they'll try to get you to believe their story over your own experiences Again, so that way they can fulfill their own desires, their own needs. They have to tear someone else down to prove to themselves that they're good, that they are good enough. And remember anything that the narcissist can do to make themselves better like this is a way for them to actually prove to themselves, too, that they're better than people. They have to keep this. Oh, I'm holy, I'm God, I am God's gift to this person, I am God's gift to the world. They have to keep that, otherwise their whole entire being falls apart. And so they'll do the gaslighting, they'll withhold affection and they're also going to give you know, those backhanded compliments.

Speaker 1: 20:04

Now, if you're asking what is a backhanded compliment, it's something that has like a positive overtone but has a very, very, very negative undertone. So something along the lines of oh, that dress looks really good on you. Um, I wasn't sure that it that you could make it look good, something like that. Right, it's just kind of like what did you really say that? Or another one that I've heard said is oh, I'm really happy to see you sticking to your diet. Last time you totally ate like the entire buffet, right. It's just that little dig, that little insult that gives those backhanded compliments Like they'll praise a little thing and then totally unwind it and destroy it. That's what a backhanded compliment is, and they really love to prey on a person's vulnerabilities with those backhanded compliments and it's one of the ways they get into our heads psychologically. The other thing they do is they'll undermine your confidence and they'll also isolate their partner from support, love, connection, friendships, family, anything like that, friendships, family, anything like that.

Speaker 1: 21:39

Because we are pack animals and we tend to believe and think in a pack mentality. And this is one of the reasons why, when a woman especially I will say this, because women we do rely on men. We want men to show up to protect us. We want men to be masculine so that way we can be feminine and know that we're safe. Safety is a big thing to women and we look to men to provide that. And even if I love you, my sweet audience, but even if you're saying to yourself right now, I provide safety for myself, just fine. That's actually An idea that happens when we are feeling the lack of masculinity in our lives. We end up having to bring that self-protectiveness and our inner masculine out.

Speaker 1: 22:40

And so women, especially because women are notoriously preyed upon. Women and children have been preyed upon for decades through sex trafficking or uh, you name it any kind of vile evil thing. Women and children are usually the first ones that get the prey, that get preyed upon, and a large reason of that is is because men are physically bigger and stronger and more powerful. They can easily overpower a woman or a child, and so the world for years has been a very unsafe place for women and children, and it's literally in our DNA to understand that concept. And so we do want a masculine man, and oftentimes a narcissist.

Speaker 1: 23:42

A narcissistic man can present himself with all the right traits, all of the right masculines, just to lure you in, and then they'll shift, and then they'll change Right. They'll become something they're completely not because they won the prize, okay, or I should say they'll show their true colors, okay. Again, the thing that's most important to a narcissist is proving that they are superior in every way to you. They want you to be the omega, while they're the alpha, they have to be the one that's right. They have to be the one that um looks good at all costs, including your costs, and they're basically asking and demanding, really, that you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically pay for their decisions, that they can do whatever they want at your expense and they want at your expense, okay and it's. You can look at this and you can say that this is a very sick game to play, and you'd be right. It is the way a narcissist thinks. This is not a healthy brain. But that is not to say, too, that that person hasn't experienced some deep-seated trauma themselves and they've built walls so thick around themselves and they're so not willing to go back into that trauma again that they're the ones now that create trauma for other people, because it's easier to create trauma for other people in their mind than become the one that's traumatized.

Speaker 1: 25:44

So what do you do when you are in a relationship with a narcissist? Now, this is something that can go with any relationship. It doesn't just have to be with a loving partner, or I should say, a marriage partner, a romantic partner. This can also be between mother, child, father, child and any relationship. Really, you know, boss, employee, we've definitely. I know for fact. I have been in situations where I've had a narcissistic employer and it was not fun and I didn't know how at that time to handle myself. And it was not fun and I didn't know how at that time to handle myself.

Speaker 1: 26:34

But there are five boundaries that you can have with every single narcissist that absolutely stops or puts them in their place. Most likely, if it's a true narcissist, they'll break off the relationship, or if it's an avoidant, they'll do better. That's this is one of the ways you can also tell the difference. So, boundary number one Remember that they want you to think the way they think so that way they can do whatever they want to do at your expense. They play the mind games on purpose and they'll do the backhanded compliments, they'll do the gaslighting okay, and they'll say those little digs just to try to get into your mind. So, number one boundary that's a very interesting perspective.

Speaker 1: 27:38

I appreciate the share, but I'm going to trust and acknowledge my own experience first. Now, what does this do? Number one I hear a lot of people come to me and they're like but what if they're telling the truth? What if it actually is the truth. And what if I'm the one that's wrong? Well then you seek out the truth and if you figure out you're wrong, then you get to admit it. That's all there is to it. But if you don't see any way right now that you're in the wrong, if every evidence is telling you something different than what your partner's telling you, this is a good boundary to have. It's both a listening and a talking boundary, because you're really listening to what the other person has to say, you're really taking in the information and you're putting it through your own filters and you've got to trust your filters. And then you speak the truth. Remember, any boundary that is set in truth is a very, very good boundary. And again, that boundary is that's a very interesting perspective.

Speaker 1: 28:58

I appreciate the share, but I'm going to trust and believe my own experience here. Well, they might throw a fit, they might yell, they might scream Like how dare you? And they most likely will. They're all fit. They might yell, they might scream Like how dare you? And they most likely will. And then you get to say, ok, I can tell you feel very strongly about this. But all that did was prove to me that I'm right. All that did was. Give me more proof in my experience to the way I see it. You don't waver on the boundary Ever. It's so much better to admit you're wrong than ever waver on your boundary, but only admit you're wrong when you can see the logic. If you are a true seeker, if you're a true seeker of truth let me spit that one out Then you have no problem admitting your faults, admitting when you had it wrong, because you love the truth, and the truth will only give you more perspective, more wisdom, more truth to set better and deeper boundaries.

Speaker 1: 30:31

In Boundary number two, I do not beg for my needs to be met. I can meet them just fine. So when someone is withholding physical affection, they're giving you the cold shoulder because maybe you set the first boundary with them and they don't like it, and so they walk off in a huff and they're not going to talk to you until you see things their way. Guess what you still don't bend. You go out and you meet your own needs. Take yourself on dates. Go spend time with your friends. Go spend time with your family, especially if they've been trying to isolate you not your family, but the narcissist. If the narcissist has been trying to isolate you go spend time with them, go spend time with that family. Go spend time with your friends, go make new friends. I do not beg for my needs to be met. I can meet them just fine, and that's true. You may not even be able to meet them in this relationship, but then at that point again, you're a seeker of truth. Maybe this is not the best relationship for either one of you, and then, if that's the case, you've got to make some decisions. Maybe it's time to leave the relationship.

Speaker 1: 31:54

Number three that sounded really disrespectful and mocking. I'm going to leave the room. When you and I can have a respectful conversation where both of us are listening to the other person, we'll continue. Now, a narcissist can totally try to turn this around and be like well, you weren't being respectful to me. Maybe I won't talk to you until you and I have a respectful conversation, until you can respect me. Then you can literally say okay and walk away. They're allowed to have whatever experience they need to have, but it was not you that was being disrespectful, or if it was again, an okay answers that as well. You can admit to yourself okay, yeah, that was not the best I've ever done, but I can do better, but I'm not going to do better right now until my partner is also willing to be respectful. Like I can't do better, until they're willing to be respectful, I can still be respectful. I'm going to respect myself. Through respecting of myself, I respect other people.

Speaker 1: 33:18

The actual fact of a narcissist is this is a person that has very low self-respect, very low self-confidence, and so they have to over inflate it. Okay, and so this is part of the reason two-way boundaries work so well with them is because now they're being met with confidence, they're getting an unconfident no, and they don't know how to handle that without yelling, screaming, throwing a big fit and literally proving to you in every single way that your boundary is spot on, that your boundary is spot on. So again, if you guys are having a conversation and it turns into yelling and you do lose this respect in the moment, an okay works. But if you were the one that's being respectful, an okay still works, because you don't have to apologize for anything. You get to wait for them to come around and you, in the meantime, you can need to start making some decisions again for yourself. Is this really the right relationship for you to be in? Is this really the right relationship for you to be in? Number four? You are welcome to have that experience, but I'm choosing to experience this instead. Ok, in other words, they can sit there and they can try to make all these digs at you.

Speaker 1: 34:59

Right, I had somebody close to me a while ago, like in the last couple of years ago, who has some narcissistic tendencies, and they were angry at me and I don't remember what for, but I hadn't been disrespectful to that person at all. It was just because I didn't bend to their will and I because I knew that what they wanted me to do was not the right thing, it didn't serve me, it didn't serve my family, it just was not. It didn't serve them, it was not in anybody's best interest, and so they threw this dig at me. Right, like I sure would love to be able to spend my entire day in front of a computer, goofing around and messing around and ignoring my family, right? Well, my family is very important to me. So is my business. They know this, and so they intentionally tried to put a dig there. They know this, and so they intentionally tried to put a dig there. So this is where this, this boundary, came up. You are welcome to believe that if that makes you happy. However, I'm still going to do this Because I believe it's best for everyone.

Speaker 1: 36:14

That person didn't talk to me for a while and when they did try to reinitiate the conversation, I simply again set another boundary. Hey, I went back to the actually number three boundary. Hey, I'm totally willing to uh chat with you, but, um, last time it didn't end up so well. It ended up kind of disrespectful. Do you think we can change that? I would really love to have a respectful conversation with you and so I'm just not going to deal with disrespect. Can you abide by that? Abide by that, okay. Number five I'm not going to change the plans that I already have. If you've made plans with friends, if you've made plans with family and they're trying to isolate you, they'll try to do it in the last minute. They're going to be like hey, yeah, great, like they're going to act like they. They really approve, but then they're going to put you on a major guilt trip when you act. When the time actually comes to you acting on those plans, the important thing is is you follow through with those plans.

Speaker 1: 37:27

The idea here is that you want to make sure that the people that are around you know that you cannot be manipulated, that you will not be manipulated, that you rely on your experience first, and the experience of God. I always default to those two, but again, if you remember our relational tiers, and again if you need a refresher, there's a podcast specifically entitled the Relational Tiers. In this podcast you might have to search for it a little bit, but the first top two tiers is a relationship with God and a relationship with self. You need to rely on those two before you ever rely on the experience or the life or the mind of another person. You can that. No, that doesn't mean that you you can't ask for opinions from people that know maybe know more about a subject than what you do, but you still need to take the advice into your filters and say to yourself okay, does this match with what I know to be true already? So there you have it.

Speaker 1: 38:56

Each one of the five boundaries that totally derails a narcissist. Every single one of them has to do with the listening boundary and the talking boundary, because, again, remember that you really want to listen to what the other person's saying, but listen not only just to understand, like, yes, listen to understand what the other person is saying and what is their motive. If their motive is to gaslight, belittle, isolate any of the things that we talked about before, well, that's one of the reasons why a listening boundary is good. It's because you'll hear that. But remember to also speak with respect. If you're not being spoken to with respect, you still get to speak respectfully, because that's another boundary that a narcissist cannot understand. They really, really struggle with that. Okay, and there's also a couple of these that have the physical and the energetic boundary in them as well, because you are protecting your physical space, you're protecting your energy.

Speaker 1: 40:20

This is why these boundaries are so powerful and why a narcissist really cannot stand them. They have no response except for anger, frustration, trying to do the same things that they've been doing, to try to mentally manipulate you. That's what they know, and when it doesn't work, a narcissist has no other tool in their tool belt to try and manipulate and try and keep their relationship together. Okay, my loves, I hope that this was helpful. Again, I apologize if you guys can hear my kiddos in the background. They're cute, they're wonderful, but they are total loud little Aborigines that run around my home.

Speaker 1: 41:06

But I definitely wanted to give you guys that information and hope that you know it gives you a little bit more power if you are someone that is in a relationship with a narcissist. And again, remember that, while it really stinks right now, especially if you're going through it, this can be something that turns out for your betterment. Be something that turns out for your betterment. It is through hard times really hard times, sometimes our trials that sometimes we find ourselves and we understand how powerful we truly are, and if you can keep your confidence with these boundaries, that's a powerful thing and it's something that you will learn and appreciate very deeply about yourself. This can connect you even deeper to you and god.

Speaker 1: 42:05

Now, if you would love some help with this, don't forget I am taking on clients. Right now. I have a one hour free consultation. You are totally welcome to schedule that. Come chat with me, tell me what's going on and see if I can't help you in one hour. All right, my loves. Until next week, I'll see you on the other side. Bye, guys.

Speaker 1: 42:45

Okay, so I've got a question for you. Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet? If you haven't, go and do that, and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information and all kinds of goodies for my community in that page. I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions.

Speaker 1: 43:13

So if you guys really really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook, go join my group, the Other Side of the Struggle Healing from Betrayal Trauma. Come find me on Instagram, erin Anderson, betrayal Trauma Coach, and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can, go hang out in my group, go connect with the ladies that are there. Also, come and join Immune and Unashamed for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner, kyson Kidd, are also talking and offering some great content.