Why Did I Fall for a Narcissist?

Ever wondered why you keep attracting narcissistic partners, despite the pain they inflict? Discover the hidden allure of narcissists and unmask their manipulative charm as we dissect the painful yet enlightening journey of betrayal trauma. Join me, Erin Anderson, as we unpack the complexities of healing from these toxic relationships and reclaiming your identity and joy. Learn how to identify the deceit behind their confidence and charm, and gain practical advice on setting robust boundaries that protect your well-being.

In this insightful episode, betrayal trauma coach Erin Anderson joins us to share invaluable strategies for navigating relationships with narcissistic partners. Drawing from her extensive experience, Erin highlights the importance of self-care and self-sufficiency while offering a detailed action plan to manage these challenging dynamics. We also introduce my new podcast, Boundary Boss Babes, which delves into the deeper beliefs impacting our relationships and business goals. Connect with our healing community and explore resources like the "Immune and Unashamed" group for married couples, ensuring you have the support needed to live a trauma-free life.

Chapters

• 2:33 Healing From Betrayal and Narcissism
• 12:33 Navigating Relationships With Narcissists
• 31:01 Navigating Betrayal Trauma Healing Community

Transcript

Speaker 1: 2:33

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you have tuned in. Today. Let's get talking about how to heal from betrayal trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with betrayal trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves. So that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you. And even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live, truly live free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. It's our second to last episode. I'm kind of sad about this, you guys, because I really have loved doing the other side of the struggle for a long time, helping women heal from betrayal trauma and, you know, giving you guys some tips and advice about how to set boundaries, how to recognize a narcissist. You know how to and basically how to deal with what it is you're dealing with, right, um, however, if you guys are interested in the next level, then come over and join me at the Boundary Boss Babes podcast. I'm getting it up and running right now as we speak, and I should be producing the first few episodes within the next couple of weeks for sure, sure? So make sure you go like and subscribe that especially. Subscribe to that, especially if you are an entrepreneur woman who would love to heal your relationship so that way you can go and earn six or seven figures in your business. Then come over to that one and listen a bit more, because we are going to be talking about all things boundaries in that podcast, and what your relationships actually might be telling you or the way that they're showing up can often be a symbol of a deeper belief that is causing you to not hit your business goals. So if you want to learn more about that, come check us out at the Boundary to Boss Babes podcast. And don't worry, this one's still going to be here, so feel free to consume all the content. There's lots and lots of episodes. You guys Still share it, still tell people about it. It's not going anywhere. I'm just going to create more, just a new podcast and more episodes in this new podcast.

Speaker 1: 7:25

So anyway, my loves, let's dive into today's topic, which is why did you fall for the narcissist? And I hear this question a lot like oh my gosh, why did I fall for him? Like, why did I not see the signs? And here's the deal. You probably didn't want to. To be honest with you, right. To be honest with you, right, you most likely were looking for someone who had confidence, because, well, we'll get into that in just a second but somebody who had confidence, somebody who looked like they had a lot of money and that they were good with money, somebody who was attractive, somebody who showered you with all kinds of praises, love, good feelings, and that they made you feel like they're equal, all right, all things that we absolutely want. But the problem in getting into a relationship with a narcissist is, well, there's also the manipulation and the lies and you start to wonder what is real and what is not real. It's a little bit like I don't know if you've ever watched one of those movies where the person is asleep and some demon and I'm not saying a narcissist is a demon, but they've got like some demons got control of this person's mind and they're showing them, as they're asleep, what they want to see, right, but then it fuzzes out and like they get like pictures and close-ups of what the actual truth is and finally they wake up, right, and this is a little bit that. That's a little bit like being in a relationship with a narcissist. Um, you get these.

Speaker 1: 9:26

At the beginning you're you're kind of in this la la land, this dream state, because it's a dream. You're loving the charisma, you're loving the confidence. You're kind of in this la la land, this dream state, because it's a dream. You're loving the charisma, you're loving the confidence, you're loving the money, the, the showering of, of love and jewels and gifts and speaking your love language. To brush aside when they're not themselves, it's easy to say, well, nobody's perfect, right in that moment. But as the relationship continues, then so does the lies and manipulation and pretty soon, eventually, there's more lies and manipulation than there is the confidence, the attractiveness, the equality, the attention and love, right, and you begin to wonder where it all went, like what exactly happened? Well, let me tell you, you're not crazy. Okay, a narcissist is very good at presenting themselves as something that somebody wants. They are actually very good at recognizing social cues. Now, whether it be that they've had trauma and so their brain is on hyper, aware of what certain things are appealing and pleasing to someone else, and then eventually they just can't hold up to the game anymore, or whether it is that they actually do want to cause really big problems in somebody else's lives and there's some sort of sick pleasure that they get out of it, either way, I want you to know that you're not crazy for being attracted to those things. Okay, you're not crazy for being attracted to a narcissist.

Speaker 1: 11:23

Think about narcissists. The, um, the, was it? He wasn't a greek god, was he? He was a. He was either a Greek god, I can't remember or he was a Greek legend, I'll say that. And everybody would fall in love with him at first sight, and it wasn't until he saw his own reflection that he fell in love with himself and wouldn't leave the pool where his reflection was and ended up dying right there. Right, that's the legend of the narcissist.

Speaker 1: 11:57

But the thing is, is this actually very, very on point to what I'm going to tell you next? Because I get asked this. A lot is like what do you do? What do you do if you are in a relationship with a narcissist? Right? Well, number one, a narcissist's way that they present themselves is both their strength and their downfall, strength in the fact that they can attract just about anyone to their lives.

Speaker 1: 12:33

Uh, because they know, you know, like we, we want the confidence. We want someone who's confident in his actions, confident in his abilities, confident, confident, confident. So that way we're not getting saddled with their problems like they're confident that they can work through their problems, and we want someone who is confident that he can still help us with ours. So that's part of us feeling feminine and safe. One of the traits of the feminine is that she relaxes right, and we want to feel relaxed in our relationships. And we feel more relaxed when we're not having to take on everybody's problems and solve them all, and when somebody can work with us on our own problems. Right, we want that and to us, confidence is that, and so they show that kind of a thing, right, um, but the deal is just the same way that falling in love with himself was his downfall in the actual narcissist Greek legend.

Speaker 1: 13:48

It is the same for any narcissist. It is their unwillingness to believe that there's anything else better, or their unwillingness to believe the truth, I should say, that causes them to die by that pool, because they won't leave it, they refuse to leave it Right, and this is why boundaries Because they won't leave it, they refuse to leave it Right, and this is why boundaries are so important when dealing with a narcissist is because someone who is not narcissistic Number one, they're willing to listen to feedback. They recognize it as simply feedback, and so a truly confident person will sit there and listen and they'll filter it and say is this something that I really do need to understand, something I really do need to listen to. Is this important to the relationship? Is it important to the person that I love? Like like they filter things like that. Is this something I can improve upon? They do ask themselves that question. Somebody who's doing that is not a narcissist.

Speaker 1: 15:06

But a narcissist wants everything to be your fault, right, and so when you start putting boundaries in place and you don't allow everything to be your fault, you allow them their own consequences of their actions and beliefs. Well, that's what a boundary does, and they don't like it. It's a lot like trying to pull them away from the pool. Nope, nope, nope, nope, not going to have it. The other thing is self-care. You need to care for yourself and go for your goals.

Speaker 1: 15:47

With a narcissist, they don't like that again, because somebody who goes for their goals, who takes care of themselves and makes themselves a priority, is also someone who's less willing to believe that something is wrong with them. Okay, that they're always the problem. They're always the one that needs to fix it. They're always the one that needs to change. They're always, they're always, they're always right. It's not true. It's not always you, sometimes it is them. Okay, and oftentimes, actually, if you're dealing with a narcissist. Most of the time it is them. Oftentimes, actually, if you're dealing with a narcissist, most of the time it is them Because you're going to be more in a self-preservation mode, right? Doing self-care helps get you out of that self-preservation mode and into a I trust me mode, because self-care is the very definition of having your own back Right now.

Speaker 1: 16:55

Self-care I love getting into, you know, bubble baths and reading a good book and making sure that I take time with myself to relax. That is absolutely self-care. But there's other aspects of self-care too like being self-dependent, right, self-sufficient. Like being self-dependent, right Self-sufficient. Making sure that you're taking care of your breakfast, making sure that you're taking care of your nutritional needs, your sleep needs, like making sure that you're taking care of you. That is what self-care is, so that way you know you can take care of your kids and other people that really do matter and want to work with you in your life.

Speaker 1: 17:39

Make a plan is another thing that I want to really stress with you today. If you are in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, then you need to make a plan of what it is you need to do, and so what I really suggest doing is writing down all of the different action plans you can take, right, so you might decide on okay, well, I could take this action, but this is what will happen if I take this action. This is how I, how I'll feel this is and you really, really want to analyze that action. Write down another one. Write down another one like write down all of the action steps you could possibly take in your situation, whether it be to leave to, to set boundaries, what are those boundaries going to look like, etc. Etc. Etc. Right, what is the plan? And then you go ahead and you choose the one that best works for you.

Speaker 1: 18:52

I had a client that was really struggling with her narcissistic husband and how he wouldn't take any responsibility at all for any of the relationship. It had to be all her all on her Right. He'd blame her, he would tell her that it's all her fault it's the same thing in blaming but and he'd belittle her, he'd mentally manipulate her and often lie to her right, and she didn't know what to believe anymore. So she decided to make these plans, and one of the plans she decided that she made was I'm going to tell him what it is that I want from him like specifically, you know like four steps, like four things that are easy, that I really really want from him and see how he responds. They really want from him and see how he responds. If he responds favorably, then we'll give that like a two week streak, and then I might add a couple more right, or even a month streak and I might add a couple more. But if he continues to blame me and he continues to tell me that I'm the problem and that he won't take any responsibility whatsoever for his share in the relationship, then I'm going to pursue a separation and I'm going to move out and I'm going to start taking care of myself, right. And so those are the. That's what she decided to do, and it did end up that she went for a separation right and eventually a divorce from her spouse, but she's happily married now to someone else who does cherish her, who does value her mind and who is her champion, right? And so she had to take a look at, like, what all of her options are and how she was going to do and follow through with those options. So that's what I mean by making a plan.

Speaker 1: 22:38

The last thing is to become your own best friend. We talked about this a little bit with self-care, but it's also a self-belief. Oftentimes a narcissist can find like a little crack in our confidence where we don't believe in ourselves as much and they can start this pattern, or they get us to mentally start this pattern of self-betrayal. And that's part of the reason why it doesn't feel good to be with a narcissist is because they require patterns of our own self-betrayal to stay in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 23:18

When you become your own best friend, you start to love yourself to the point where you are no longer willing to tolerate the bad behavior, the way that they're showing up, the hurtful words, and you start to ask yourself OK, how do I really want to be treated? What is it that I really love about me? How does that person show up for their friends? What would you do Seriously, how would like, if your best friend, her husband in front of you, treated her the way that maybe you've been treated by your narcissist? How would you show up in that moment? Right, and this is something that you want to ask yourself, like how, what would happen if I showed up that way with the person I am with right now? How can I have my own back? How can I be true to me.

Speaker 1: 24:28

Remember that all relationships stem first and foremost from your relationship with God and yourself, right, and that relationships are merely simply a physical manifestation of a deeper truth that's going on inside of our brain. Something in our subconscious told us that this person was safe, and we need to really look at why and look at other areas in your life where you felt betrayed. Maybe you felt betrayed by money. Maybe you felt betrayed by God. Maybe you felt betrayed in other areas, right. Oftentimes I notice that people who have been dealing with narcissists a long time also have kind of a narcissistic relationship with money. Not saying that they themselves are narcissistic, but it's more like the money shows up in a narcissistic way where, in order to get it, they have to work too hard or they have to apologize profusely, or they have to jump through all of these hoops in order just to get a dollar, just to get a drop in the bucket, and it's really interesting that a narcissistic relationship feels like that. Oftentimes, a narcissistic relationship does speak to our money story and oftentimes the way we believe about our money stories is often the way we believe about our personal relationships. Hence the reason why they're a physical manifestation of our beliefs right. They have to be so.

Speaker 1: 26:18

This is another piece of having your own back and being your own best friend is getting really honest with yourself. One of the things that you get sick of is the manipulation of the lies. Well, the last thing you want to do is manipulate and lie to yourself. It's very hard to have a relationship with people, as you have well seen, that lie and manipulate you, lie to and manipulate you. I should say Very hard to have a relationship with those people, and this is part of the reason why you don't want to do these things to yourself is because you want to have a relationship with yourself. An easy task, right? People who manipulate and lie to themselves create a rip inside their own soul and, believe it or not, this is also something that the narcissists are dealing with. Is that rip in their souls? Because whatever they're doing on the outside, they often do on the inside, and this is why it's so easy to become narcissistic from narcissistic relationships. I'm sure that none of you, my listeners, are doing anything like that. Granted, we do all have our narcissistic tendencies, but asking yourself really good questions and getting to the roots of your own problems is something that I highly recommend. That is having your own back, that is being your best friend, because once we understand and recognize truth, then we can move forward. We start to have an action plan.

Speaker 1: 27:59

Okay, so if you fell for a narcissist, don't beat yourself up, it's okay. You've got to really consider, like, the things that he or she presented to you, um, that you thought were great. Because the thing is is, if you're catching a counterfeit version of it, if you can understand what it was that you truly loved about this person and thought was just great and made you immediately feel like, yes, I can do, I can work with this person, then you can take a look at the traits and say what are the like? How does a person who's truly charismatic, truly confident, how does a person who's truly charismatic, truly confident, truly affectionate, really does believe in me and my quality with this person? How do they show up for me and what are some of their language? What are some of their actions? Okay, my loves, I hope this was helpful for you guys.

Speaker 1: 29:07

I'm kind of sad, like I said, again, to be wrapping up this podcast, but again let me tell you to come over to the Boundary Boss Babes podcast if you are looking to start creating more money for yourself, and I'll tell you one of the reasons why I am switching to this is because I'm very passionate about helping women create their own money as well as healing their relationships in their lives, and I've often found that when we do heal our relationships, especially the relationships we have with ourselves, money tends to kind of follow those things, and so it's a very powerful concept. I want women to have both freedom of time, money and feel safe and confident in their relationships, and so, where this was more of just like healing from trauma, I wanted to incorporate way more. So definitely come find me over there, and until next week, guys, I'll see you on the other side. Bye, okay. So I've got a question for you. Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet? If you haven't, go and do that, and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information and all kinds of goodies for my community in that page. I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions. So if you guys really, really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook, go join my group.

Speaker 1: 31:02

The Other Side of the Struggle Healing from Betrayal Trauma. Come find me on Instagram, erin Anderson, betrayal Trauma Coach, and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can, go hang out in my group, go connect with the ladies that are there. Um, also come and join immune and unashamed uh for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner kyson kid are also talking and offering some great content.