The Other Side of the Struggle (Healing from Betrayal Trauma)
Healing from betrayal trauma is no small feat! It takes a lot of work, time, and focus in order to do it. That's all great, but then there's the "HOW?" In this podcast, we will talk about Betrayal Trauma, my past with it, how I healed from it using Christian Scripture, and how you can do the same thing.
The Other Side of the Struggle (Healing from Betrayal Trauma)
Why Our Approach to Healing Works with Stephanie Wheeldon
Get ready to be inspired by real-life examples of overcoming past traumas to build healthier relationships. We discuss the critical role of open and honest communication, illustrated by a client's story of moving past an abusive ex-husband and childhood hardships to improve her current marriage. Discover the importance of setting clear boundaries and communicating underlying fears to foster trust and understanding. Plus, learn how joining Erin's free Facebook group and following her on Instagram can connect you with a supportive community and keep you informed about valuable resources. For married couples, don't miss out on the "Immune and Unashamed" group—your ultimate source for enriching relationship content.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you have tuned in. Today. Let's get talking about how to heal from betrayal trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with betrayal trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves. So that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you. And even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live, truly live free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey, everyone, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. Guys, this is our second to last episode in this particular podcast, so let me remind you again to go check out the Boundary Boss Babes podcast. There is one episode ready to go, but there's a lot more coming. We're going to be talking about boundaries, the seven different types of boundaries, how you can know, like what boundary you need to set, how you can know, like what boundary you need to set, what are your emotions trying to tell you, and also like how you can transfer that into creating, you know, six or seven figures for yourself. Because I'm really passionate not just in helping you heal your relationships, but also in helping you heal your money story, because I feel like women need their own money to be able to make decisions that they need, feel like they need to make. So that's what we're focusing on in that next podcast, in this new one, so that way, you know, you guys even have even more freedom. So go check that out. But also, I am keeping the other side of the struggle open. It's not going anywhere. I'm just not going to add new episodes to that. So go check out the new podcast, come over and listen. Definitely do that, um.
Speaker 1:But today I also wanted to invite Stephanie back where she's going to be doing talking more about betrayal trauma healing in the other side of the struggle Facebook group. I still want you guys to get to know her, to feel her fabulous energy. She has, you know, been trained by me Let me go ahead and polish my nails on my shirt for that one and you know, I think she just does such a fabulous job with her clients and with helping everyone heal. That comes through her coaching doors too. So today we are chatting about how betrayal is different, like how how we approach betrayal differently than everyone else, and why it works, right, okay. So, anyway, welcome, steph. I'm glad you're here, you're welcome, okay.
Speaker 1:So, truly like let's let's talk about this for just a second.
Speaker 1:Like I've been, like I've been doing betrayal trauma healing for 12 years, right, doing so much for their clients and their customers and things like that that I feel like if they learn these principles, too, in their own lives and are applying them in their own lives.
Speaker 1:Not only are they going to go out and create more for themselves, but also more actual healing for their clients and customers, and so that's why I'm moving over more into that sphere. But I will tell you that I have noticed, like other groups on Facebook, other podcasts, like the way other quote unquote betrayal trauma coaches show up and it's like a lot of focus on the anger and the betrayal and the frustration and what's happened in the relationship and, um, not saying like I blame them, because some of these women have gone through some really crappy things, but I feel like that's the focus of it, you know, and that keeps people stuck. That like really keeps them stuck in some really negative thought processes, and those negative thought process really stop their ability to actually heal and move past what happened. You know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what have you seen? You know as like healing from things, healing okay for me.
Speaker 2:A lot of what I saw in in myself was the communication pieces. I was not communicating effectively, um, but that also came from past traumas as well, so like I didn't know that I could communicate effectively and that was keeping me kind of stuck from not healing, because I would just kind of bottle it up and hold it in right, right.
Speaker 1:And then, like, did you notice, like when you did, fine, like because you can't keep things bottled up too long, you know what I mean and eventually, like what happened after the bottle, kind of the lid kind of came off, the bottle well, okay, like though I I kept my cool.
Speaker 2:I'm just gonna put it this way. I kept my cool for the first time and and the second time and maybe the third time that things went a little bit crazy and then, like by the fourth time, I was just like throwing stuff. I was like here's your phone, like I don't even want to have this conversation anymore. I was really angry and it just like was like poof.
Speaker 1:So so maybe throwing things I threw a chair, so like I think that would have probably done more damage than a phone, so it's all good I didn't throw it at his head, I, I threw it at his foot oh no, I threw the chair at his head. So let me just say this guys like don't do that.
Speaker 2:No throwing of objects at all, you should not throw things at people.
Speaker 1:It's not nice, no, but you know, like bringing this back around, like I do think that you know when we're angry, even if we're not throwing actual objects. Like please don't do that. Like do not be. Like, oh, aaron and stephanie, they totally advocate for throwing things at my husband when I'm angry. No, we don't don't we totally don't we actually hurdle words when we're angry too. You know what I mean, that's what I see.
Speaker 2:Looks of daggers. I feel like sometimes I would shoot looks of anger and you could feel it. It would just come off of you that way yeah, it's an icky feeling yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1:You know, and you know I and I've heard like some absolutely horrible things said about, you know, spouses that have done betrayal, or even friends or partnerships or whatever. It is like betrayal is possible in almost every single relationship, even ourselves, right, man? How often do we actually betray ourselves? But when we focus on that and I feel like that's kind of how we're different, you know, and how we approach the problem differently is we don't focus on the anger, we don't focus on the hate, like yes, it's very real, like what happened, like we acknowledge, like what happened is not okay. And I remember I have thought to myself a few times as I've been coaching, maybe just a few like seriously, husband, seriously husband, seriously husband, right, like husband of my client, why are you doing this? Right? Like come on. But when we focus on the things that we have no control over, we start to feel helpless and this is the cycle that I feel like a lot of women are in and this is the cycle that we are dedicated to breaking you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I actually love that. The control, the thing of being out of control and being stuck in that control cycle is because is where you can ask yourself that question like what actually am I in control of right now? Because you're not in control of the behaviors that they're choosing.
Speaker 1:No, you're not, You're absolutely not. And you know, like I get, like we totally get and acknowledge and honor the anger too. Right, because, let's be honest, any emotion is there, not because we're supposed to throw metal chairs at husbands or phones, like not because of that but it's there to get our attention that something is either right or wrong. Right or wrong, that's it right now. Granted, we sometimes still want to throw things, like there's a reason why there's axe rooms and smash rooms. Those places I do too, I do too, I totally do, or like going and, like you know, getting on your boxing gloves and punching out like a boxing whatever, I don't know what they're called, but you know what I mean A mannequin Like a mannequin.
Speaker 1:No, it's like a platform, it's like a boxing tower, it's like padded and you can like punch the crap out of it when you're angry, anyway, doesn't matter. And like punch the crap out of it when you're angry, anyway, doesn't matter. Those who those who are like, really into fitness will know what I'm talking about. Obviously, I need to work on that, but I know my son.
Speaker 1:My son has one and he like goes and he punches it sometimes when he's angry. So, which is good, it's a good outlet. But if we like it, like like as soon as that emotion comes up, like if we're thinking to ourselves, what a douchebag, what a jerk, like I hate him, I can't stand him, why is he being so stupid? Like if those are our immediate thoughts, thoughts, it's going to trigger more of that anger, right, but if we ask really good questions and this is why you and I are so different I feel it's like if we start asking like really good questions, like let's talk about why the anger is there, why is the anger there? Right, and we might be like, well, my husband's an idiot, right, or this person's an idiot, or they did, they did, they did. Well, what is it trying to teach? You is the next question, right? Because if we look at our emotions as really really masterful teachers, I think that's where things really shift, Would you agree? I think that's where things really shift.
Speaker 2:Would you agree? Yeah, so I agree. But I also believe that emotions are there, because without them, there would be no feelings at all, can still? You can still be like loving and you can still be nice, and you can still talk to them, even if you're feeling like super, super angry. Because I know that, like, when I'm feeling super angry about these kinds of things, it's usually me questioning like what I did, not necessarily what they did, because I always feel like it's.
Speaker 1:I would always feel like it was me and not them so kind of like you know stepping into that self-betrayal a little bit yeah, so I feel like that's where mine would always go to yeah, no, I get it and I've seen that happen a lot too in women, and you know, because I've said it before like betrayal, trauma is actually often like why we get so angry is because we feel like we're required to betray ourselves in order to keep this relationship going. But you know, if we get curious and we also say like, okay, well, what is it about the anger that we're like, why is this anger? Why is this anger here? And like, what is it that this person did specifically that I don't like Right? What is it specifically that? Like what am I thinking specifically about what they did right? Why does this bother me so badly?
Speaker 1:I do feel like that's a good question to be asking ourselves, because then we can start actually thinking about the conversation and the boundary, because anger, frustration, like a lot of these negative emotions that come up in our lives, they are a gateway to creating a really good boundary and I think we know that inherently. But what we end up doing is like, well, if they do xyz, then they're sleeping on the couch, right, and that's that's a problem, because again, we're going back into the. We're trying to control the person and not what we do. You know what I mean. Yeah, I agree, yeah, and so like I think we take that approach very differently as well, because I've said it so many times like and total shameless plug here for the boundary boss babes. Like we're totally talking about what boundaries are and and how to enact them so you guys can create money, time and relationships. Go get the boundary boss babes. Guys like, go do it anyway. Shameless plug, shem's plug.
Speaker 1:But like, when we get into these boundaries, we misunderstand because we're so tired, I think because we're so tired of dealing with the quote, unquote, bs. We want somebody else to show up, we want somebody else to start taking some accountability, we want somebody else to start taking some accountability, we want somebody else to start taking action. Right. But the truth of the matter is and I think this is where, again, where you and I are different is we realize that the healing was not about what somebody else did. It was actually that very thing like what are we really willing to take? What are we really willing to take on? What are we really willing to do? What are we willing to take ownership for? What are we willing to take accountability for? Because if we feel like we're taking accountability for everybody's actions, everybody's results, everybody's consequences. That's exhausting.
Speaker 1:Mm what I mean I get it. 100 has been there yeah, been there, done that, right. So have I, like we've all been there and I think, like in that, like that's, that's the difference, right? So you told me that you had a story about like how, wait tell us, tell us that story, so that way we can kind of get a good illustration about, like, why this works.
Speaker 2:Okay about like why this works okay. So this is about more of the communication side of things and making sure you're having open, honest, loving communication. So I have a client that I will not disclose any information that she has not already been okay with me saying but and I think a lot of people have, I I think a lot of people have been stuck in her where she is. So she had, she was married, she has, she had three children. She, her and her husband was abusive in different ways, but they got divorced and she got remarried to this other person and this person, when she gets overstimulated, they try to fix everything and make everything perfect so she doesn't actually have to feel those emotions, right.
Speaker 2:Well, this week, while she was at work, her husband knew that she wanted something fixed on their house, so he chose to start fixing this part of the house and it was outside, not inside, and she came home to feeling overstimulated from work, got out of her car and the radio was on inside of their garage. And then the radio, the door was, the front door was open, the radio was on, all the lights were on, the air conditioning was on and the back door was open and she lost it and she was just getting so angry so she ran outside and she's yelling at him why do you have all this on? I had to go through and turn everything off, nobody's even in the house. So I, I and so I said, well, I was like why did it make you so angry? And she said because she was worried about her electricity bill. And I was like, and she was like, and I know that he'll take care of it and it will be taken care of. I've been burned so many times by my ex-husband who would leave things on and then the electricity bill would get too high and then the electricity would get shut off.
Speaker 2:And so her entire anger was actually more towards like, a money, a money thing. She was worried about money. She was worried about her electricity getting shut off, and so we kind of talked about that and I was like this is what I'm hearing you say and this is what I'm seeing. And she said, oh, that makes more sense. So she was. I said I think maybe you need to have a open conversation about like, what was really bothering you in that moment, and not that it was just that it was on or that the door was open but that you were feeling overstimulated when you got home and then you started thinking about like what if the electricity got shut off because the bill changed? That way he understands more, because if you're just like mad that it's on, he's not going to really have a full understanding of why.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, and you know that that actually brings up a really good point, because I talk about this too like if we approach somebody, yelling and screaming, all they hear is yelling and screaming right, and not the actual message that we're trying to convey to them. Now, you know, obviously, like you can like approach somebody and not be yelling and screaming, and approach them again and not be yelling and screaming, kind of like what you were saying, and then finally, like want to huck the phone at them, right, right, but here's the deal. Like, I believe, like this is why boundaries are so important. Right is because if we feel like we don't have anything we can do, that's not true, right. If we feel like we can't put a boundary in place because of X, y, z or like what this person is going to do, again, that's not true, right.
Speaker 1:I think that what you're saying is like you helped your client accept what she was really feeling, right, and helped her realize, like okay, well, number one, I'm, I'm putting like what's happening to my, uh, my relationships right now in, like I'm, like I'm putting what happened in my relationships in the past on my current husband right, like, like, and it it's, it's something that we do because we don't want it to happen again and we've we've had some really really negative experiences, right, but helping her understand like what was really going on, helped her take like the fear that she was actually feeling and take ownership for that.
Speaker 1:So what was it that she chose to do differently?
Speaker 2:So she chose to go and communicate with him her feelings about that, but also so she realized that she was being the B word, which are her words, not mine, but it was still. She said it. And she also realized that there were traumas that she had opened up while we were talking, that there were times in her childhood where she didn't have water or they didn't have electricity going on in their home have water or they didn't have electricity going on in their home, and so she felt that she couldn't trust her husband, her new husband, because of all of the past traumas, and she didn't want to bring it up to him because she was worried that he would look at her negatively. And I said that she needed to have the conversation with him because truth is love. And I was like and that's my favorite quote that my own life coach says sometimes um, and that if she's going to have, if she, if she wants to move past something, she's going to have to have that open communication, in that it he he'll be receptive to it as long as she's being honest about what she's saying.
Speaker 2:And so she was going to go home and I haven't got go home, she wasn't at home. She's going to get off the computer and she's going to go talk to him about it as soon as we got off. Um, and everything that we've communicated together in our sessions which this was session 47, 47, um, she has gone and done everything that that she can and then she's been communicating more effectively with her, her spouse, and it's, she said, it's been extremely eyeopening because what I've said he's like oh yeah, that's exactly what I'm thinking. So I'm I feel like maybe I need to no, my shoe nails on your shirt.
Speaker 1:No, I love it. I love it because it's it's true, like we don't want, like I think this is more like the resistant resistance comes in when we're dealing with some type of betrayal in our relationships. Right, we don't want to take on what we're not, what's really not ours, but yet we feel like we have to right, and so that's kind of like where we make the slice right. Is you helped her see, like, what she was actually responsible for, like what she could actually own right, and what really wasn't hers right, and and I think that's really important to bring to the awareness when healing trauma. So you know, we really focus on the love, the truth, right, and I think that's part of the reason why we are like, like I said, just why we're so different. But so why do you think stuff this works so well like? Why did it work well for you?
Speaker 2:So the thing that comes to mind is being able to learn to separate things and I know this sounds really interesting or insane, maybe I don't know, but but like um, when I have to do the circumstances, the thoughts, feelings, actions, results. So, if I'm able to like separate everything out so that when I like, when I was feeling emotionally vulnerable, I would be able to then or too emotional or whatever I'd be able to like separate it and then see, oh, this is where my disconnect is, and I think that that's where, like when I ask questions to my clients, that's where I'm seeing the most results is them being able to break down, their Break it down to where they're able to see OK, so this is where it is. And then I'm probably having this emotion coming from actually somewhere else. It's usually not even from that situation.
Speaker 1:So what I'm hearing you literally say is you take things from disorder to order. Yes, right, and I think that's part of the reason why you know, I know for a fact, like the women in my group or in your group now too, right, because you're going to be helping run the other side of the show, like people are going to be coming to you and chatting with you. So please go schedule this call guys with Steph, because she's fabulous, you guys will love her. But there's order there, it's not chaos. And I think, like that's part of the reason why we are so different is we don't focus on the chaos, we focus on the order.
Speaker 1:Right, we give like steps, we give like processes, we give the ability to actually not not cope like we don't want you to cope, we want you to actually be able to create the change you want in your life. Right, because the thing is is, coping is like exhausting, in my opinion, like I know when I would sit there and try to cope with my feelings or things like that, like it wasn't actually addressing the truth. But once I started addressing the truth, I started feeling more organized in my own life and that organization gave me the ability to start setting boundaries, start acting from a place of actually having my own back, place of actually having my own back. You know, and I think you've said the same thing like that's kind of what you're noticing too with yourself and with the clients you're helping, love it, I love it.
Speaker 1:Guys, go get a call with stuff. Okay, she's actually doing some interviews this week, um, but if you would like to actually get a free coaching, call you offer those two right?
Speaker 2:yeah, I have free one hour free one hour coaching calls.
Speaker 1:Okay, do it get on these calls. Stuff is so masterful in helping you create the order, the peace, the safety and knowing what your next steps are when it comes to healing what you've been through. So grab that call. It's going to be in the link in the description below. And again, come follow me now on the Boundary Boss Babes podcast, and I think I've made enough shameless plugs for the podcast now, just a few, you know, but in the meantime, guys, we'll see you on the other side.
Speaker 1:Bye, guys. Okay, so I've got a question for you. Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet? If you haven't, go and do that and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information and all kinds of goodies for my community in that page. I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions. So if you guys really, really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook, go join my group.
Speaker 1:The Other Side of the Struggle Healing from Betrayal Trauma. Come find me on Instagram, erin Anderson, betrayal Trauma Coach, and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can, go hang out in my group, go connect with the ladies that are there. Um, also come and join immune and unashamed uh, for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner kyson kid are also talking and offering some great content.
