Surrendering to Change: Healing from Addiction, Betrayal, and Grief

Chapters

• 0:16 The Truth About Addiction and Recovery
• 6:09 The Power of Surrender and Healing
• 22:49 Embracing Change and Self-Compassion

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:16

Welcome everybody to the truth about addiction.

Speaker 2: 0:21

Welcome everybody to the Truth About Addiction. Today I'm doing a solo episode because I really want to get on here in the wake of what is happening in Los Angeles and provide some hope, some emotional support and some practical tips for people who are struggling in particular, who are struggling emotionally, psychologically and spiritually in 2025, every month at my monthly Los Angeles speaking event, which is called Heart Conscious Creators, I am theming out the event with one of the 12 steps. So, very fortuitously, there are 12 months in a year and there are 12 steps. So step one is about, on the surface, powerlessness and unmanageability. I think it's safe to say in this very extreme situation in Los Angeles that at this point, we are powerless over the devastation. If you lost your home, you're powerless over the fact that your home is now gone, that you're displaced, that you can't see your way forward, and when we try to exert power over that which we cannot control, our lives become unmanageable. Mainly, we are unbelievably stressed out. If we're focusing on everything we lost, it's pretty desperate. That doesn't mean we bypass feeling our feelings and feeling the grief. These are two separate things. We can't control grief when and where and how it shows up, and there's a lot of that right now and there's going to be a lot of that, and I am no stranger to grief. Once we feel those feelings and our nervous system has a chance to reset, what are we going to do with what has happened?

Speaker 2: 2:59

The first time I experienced losing control in any substantial way was on the evening of my acceptance into a doctoral program, because the way I lived my life was work hard, play hard, work hard, get the A, have the best body, date the cutest guy and also beat yourself to a pulp on the way there, because no matter how good you do, it's never going to be enough. And then, finally, when you get the A and you fit into the size 2 jeans and you're dating the quarterback party play. And what that meant for a really long time in my life was get high, check out, numb out, and on the eve of my acceptance into this doctoral program, I did so much cocaine that I overdosed, overdosed. In hindsight it made perfect sense that that's what I needed to take the edge off of the unrelenting anxiety that I was living with. And boy did that wake me up to losing control, but only over substance. I still really believed that the entire world around me was within my control, especially my body, my grades, my career rear, and so I tried to get sober. Wasn't that interested?

Speaker 2: 5:09

A couple of years later, the guy I was dating caught me again lying about prescription pills that I was taking, and so I tried to get sober again, and this time I stayed sober, pretty unwillingly, and they kept telling me to have some kind of faith in a God of my own understanding. But I grew up in a house where God was for the weak and the vulnerable and the only person you can count on is yourself. So I stayed sober. I stayed sober for five years and boy, I could accomplish a lot on sheer willpower alone. And I was not only controlling my grades and my body and my job, but I was controlling to the best of my ability the people, places and things around me.

Speaker 2: 6:09

And then I got married to that same guy who experienced my active addiction, who I cheated on again and again and again, and he pulled away away. And when I say pull away, I mean right as we get married and we move to California and we decide to build beautiful new life, he doesn't want to be intimate, he takes his wedding ring off, he goes on business trips all the time, he stays out late with his friends, he doesn't share his finances. And I'm sitting here losing my goddamn mind because I am sure that if I just say or do the right thing, that he will forgive me and we will be okay. Forgive me and we will be okay, because as long as he loves me, I am good enough. I literally came undone when every single thing I did to control this man stopped working and after months and months of sleeping on people's couches, I finally signed a lease in an apartment and I collapsed on the mattress, looked up at the ceiling and thought what am I going to do now?

Speaker 2: 7:42

This woman came into my life and she said what if we work the steps on your marriage? What did that mean? Well, instead of being powerless over alcohol or cocaine, you're powerless over him. And when you try to exert power over him, your life becomes unmanageable in the following ways. Well, the list was long One.

Speaker 2: 8:08

When I focused on him, instead of my own healing and my own heartbreak, I was consumed with worry. I was practicing the script that I was going to say to change his mind. I was so other-focused that I never had to go inward and actually feel the grief of what was happening and the uncertainty of my future. So we did the steps in this way and we got to the ninth step, which is making an amends.

Speaker 2: 8:46

And she said have you ever made an amends to yourself? Have you ever made an amends to yourself? I hadn't. It hadn't even occurred to me to make an amends to myself. What would that mean? What would it mean if, for decades, up until this moment, I had been running my life by a voice inside my head that said never enough, you're not smart enough, you're not pretty enough, you're not thin enough. Do better, try harder. If I was going to be a person who forgave myself, who loved myself through my mistakes, how would I speak to myself? Well, sam, you made a lot of bad choices on the front end of your marriage, but you're not a bad person and you don't deserve a bad marriage. Well, if that's true, then that means I have to look my situation squarely in the eye and think about what I do want and what I do deserve.

Speaker 2: 10:18

In the process of doing this kind of work, this deep spiritual work. By removing the shame that was clouding my perspective of my life, I started to hear my intuition perspective of my life. I started to hear my intuition and, by the way, our God-given intuition is something that we all have as kids. We utilize it all the time. We say what we need, we say how we feel, we cry when we're sad, and then we learn not to listen to it, we learn not to trust it, we learn to abandon it, we learn to put somebody else's needs in front of it. The good news is, these things can be unlearned. This was the beginning of me unlearning so I could start to listen to my intuition and take action in the direction she was nudging me. That was something I could control. What am I doing today to be in close connection with my God-given intuition, so I can understand how I'm feeling and what I need and make an adjustment accordingly? Now I wish I could say that this lesson in control and letting go of it was the lesson that allowed me to surrender in great times of uncertainty. But it's my spiritual experience that we have to learn again and again and again, and it's my understanding in the brain that patterns that are not continually practiced are forgotten, and since the main practice of my life has been to control things outside of myself, I will default to that when something hard shows up, unless I get into a rigorous practice of surrendering and focusing on what I can change.

Speaker 2: 12:37

My husband and I got back together, but not after finding out the worst betrayal of my life. He was, in fact, cheating on me. My intuition was, in fact, correct. All those times I was wondering where he was going on those trips. Navigating that level of betrayal and uncertainty was so challenging, so challenging. But there was a knowing inside of me that we could be happy on the other side of this mess, and I refused to abandon my knowing again. So, without knowing the way forward and only knowing that, I wasn't done, I trudged ahead.

Speaker 2: 13:31

Knowing that I wasn't done, I trudged ahead. We now have a big, beautiful house in the suburbs, got a couple kids. We have an amazing life. But man surrender or be dragged has been a lesson I've had to learn again and again. And here we are in the wake of a new version of surrender, with friends who have lost seemingly everything. Everything lost seemingly everything, everything.

Speaker 2: 14:21

One day my husband and I took our kids out for a walk. I didn't bring my phone with me. When I got back I had all these messages from my sister saying that dad went unconscious. So I called in a panic, not knowing what happened. She was on her way to the hospital to see him. There in New York. I'm in California. I try to contact the ER doctor and he doesn't have a lot of information except your dad is in critical condition. But we're monitoring him closely. About 20 minutes later he called me back and I knew from the sound of his voice that it wasn't good my dad had died. Voice that it wasn't good my dad had died. I was gutted. This was the first great loss of my life. I had some choices.

Speaker 2: 15:32

Spiritually Talk about things you cannot control when you lose a person you love, there is nothing you can say or do that will bring them back in physical form. And when I tell you I wish the lessons of surrender up until that point would would have provided me a compass for how to navigate this. But this one was too big and the only thing I could think to do was control whatever I could. Back to my old coping patterns, hood, back to my old coping patterns. So I doubled down on food and body. I controlled everything I ate and everything I didn't. Every way I moved, every time I rested, I measured, I tracked. I nearly made myself disappear because the idea of facing the grief was so unimaginable to me. That felt like a better choice. But I will tell you that I birthed nothing new in that time. I created nothing. And if our body is a body of energy, a vessel containing all these organs and things, and at any given time we're either expanding our vessel, elevating our consciousness, or shrinking it, I shrunk it. I did nothing with it.

Speaker 2: 17:33

I had another opportunity a few years later, when my sister died of a drug overdose, to run from my pain or to face it in the wake of everything being out of my control Once again, the greatest devastation of my whole life, my worst fears realized. Was I going to run from the pain or run straight toward it? And if I run toward it, who was I going to become? I had already tried a version of someone who was becoming nothing, someone who was a person who runs from their pain, who doubles down on what she can control, that is external to her, because the idea of facing the pain is too great. I already did that and I got really skinny and that's about it.

Speaker 2: 18:51

This time. Who was I going to become? What could I control? Well, that's it. I could only control the person I decided to become in the wake of this disaster. I can't bring her back, just like I couldn't bring my dad back. I can't say or do anything differently than what has been said or done, and I can't beat myself into submission over what I wish could have happened, unless I want to die a slow, spiritual death, and I tried that already and it's miserable. So who am I going to become? Because that is the only thing I have power over.

Speaker 2: 19:48

I decided I was going to become a person who places the spiritual side of wellness at the epicenter of everything. I do so, even if somebody comes to me because they found out I'm a really good doctor of physical therapy and their body is in pain, they're going to get the best of me. They're going to get the best of me. They're going to get a practitioner that says your addiction to people-pleasing is getting in the way of you taking care of yourself such that your knee pain is going to get cured. So what are we going to do about that? Well, I fix your body.

Speaker 2: 20:42

I became a person who was better able to hold space for other people who are grieving. I became a person who had great compassion for the addict who is still suffering. I became a person who leaned into her creative gifts as a way to heal and help others. I wrote a book, I wrote a screenplay, I started singing, I started speaking on stages. I became a person who believed that she was worthy of a big, beautiful life, bigger than she ever imagined. I became a person who was going to wear her recovery on her sleeve and cast the widest net on who she could help, because otherwise I don't know why I'm here.

Speaker 2: 21:33

I became a person who refused to turn away from her knowing, and her knowing said you're going to write a book. You're going to speak on stages. You're going to start a podcast. You're going to treat the spiritual side of wellness. You are going to be a thought leader. You are going to be a change maker. You are going to be everything your little heart desires, because it was uniquely destined for you, and you are not going to let shame corrode your body, no matter what you do. From this moment on, ever again. And if you make a mistake, you're going to own it and hold yourself accountable and amend the behavior going forward. So you are proud of who you are, and so you hit your head on the pillow every night, knowing you did your very best.

Speaker 2: 22:49

The only thing we can do when everything outside of us is out of our control is focus on who we are going to become and taking action in that direction. And taking action in that direction. Every action you take casts a vote for the type of person you're trying to become. So choose wisely and grieve when you need to. I am here. If you need to talk, if you need a friend, if you need a coach, if you need a mentor, if you just need someone to hold space and silence for your suffering, I am here. Please reach out to me on my website, drsamanthaheartcom, or my social media at drsamanthaheart H-A-R-T-E. We are not meant to do this thing called life alone.

Speaker 1: 24:38

I love you, crucifix, to take me to my knees, whipping my mistakes, to jump over the grief. Breaking the circuit, making it worth it. Sick and tired of the voice inside my head never good enough for sleeping me for dead. But perfection's just a game of make believe. Gotta break the pattern, find a new reprieve.

Speaker 3: 25:12

Breaking the circuit making it worth it. Oh, I am ready to make a change. I am bigger than my pain. There's no deep inside. I got left aside.

Speaker 1: 25:40

I can be brave and afraid at the same time. Practice self-compassion, start to calm my mind, taking tiny steps to loving all of me. Just the process, cause it's gonna set me free, breaking the circuit.

Speaker 3: 26:02

Making it worth it. Oh, I am ready To make a change. I am bigger Than my pain. There's no Deep inside. I got the the Life. I got the the life. Gotta gotta gotta break it or fake it till we make it. Gotta gotta gotta break it. Come on One, two, three. I am ready to make a change. Come on One, two, three. I am ready to make a change. I am bigger than my pain. There's an oar deep inside. I got the the vibe.