Turning Character Traits from Liabilities Into Assets: A Raw Conversation with Entrepreneurs

What happens when the very traits that make you successful in your career become obstacles in your personal life? This riveting panel discussion featuring coaches Alejandra Perez and Michael Graham explores the fascinating terrain of redirecting character traits from liabilities into assets.

Alejandra, a self-described driven optimist who reinvented herself multiple times across engineering, sales, and entrepreneurship, reveals how excessive positivity without preparation led to business failure. Rather than abandoning her optimistic nature, she found ways to ground it in reality while maintaining its motivational power. Her journey offers profound insights for dreamers who struggle to bridge the gap between vision and execution.

Michael brings a unique perspective as a retired police sergeant whose authoritative presence and problem-solving abilities were crucial in law enforcement. He shares vulnerably about recognizing how these same traits created disconnection with his wife and children at home. His discovery that the gentleness required for horse training mirrors what's needed in parenting provides a powerful metaphor for anyone struggling to balance professional strengths with personal relationships.

The conversation weaves through perfectionism, problem-solving tendencies, optimism, and authority – examining how these traits manifest both positively and negatively in our lives. You'll gain practical insights for recognizing patterns, understanding the root causes of challenging behaviors, and redirecting your natural tendencies toward healthier expressions. Whether you're a parent, partner, or professional seeking greater balance, this episode offers compassionate guidance for living more authentically across all domains of your life.

Ready to transform potential liabilities into your greatest assets? Listen now and discover how small shifts in awareness can create profound changes in how you live, love, parent and work.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Truth About Addiction
• 2:50 Redirecting Character Traits as Assets
• 5:22 Meet Alejandra: Driven and Optimistic
• 8:58 Michael: Problem-Solver and Authority
• 14:21 When Optimism Needs Grounding
• 19:15 Learning Gentleness Through Horse Training
• 23:00 Connection and Relationship Awareness

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back everybody to the Truth About Addiction. You are in for a treat Today. What I'm sharing with you is a live panel discussion and rather spontaneous interview with two people who are friends, great humans and amazing coaches. Both of them have spoken at prior events and in this particular conversation we're diving into what it means and what it looks like to take certain parts of our character and redirect them from a liability to an asset. So it's the way that I course correct.

Speaker 1: 1:10

When I see something like my perfectionism flaring up around let's say, trying to control people, places and things, which I absolutely can't and becoming a micromanager of my children, or giving unsolicited advice to my husband and being able to get into a habit of pattern recognition around these behaviors, understand with compassion why I do them and then redirect them right, because things like perfectionism can be extremely useful in the workplace getting your to-do list done, being highly organized, right. But in matters of the heart not so much, in personal relationships, not so much. So it's a really fascinating conversation that anybody can get something out of and then apply what you learn into how you live, love, parent and work. I'm so excited to introduce you to Alejandra Perez and Michael Graham. Enjoy the interview. Share the episode with a friend if you liked it, leave a comment, subscribe or even click the link in the show. Find a new reprieve, breaking the First of all.

Speaker 1: 2:50

I want each of them to just be able to introduce themselves and tell you guys a little bit about who they are. Obviously, I know them and they're fabulous, but you don't. So go ahead, ladies first.

Speaker 2: 3:03

Oh, hello everybody. Thank you for being here tonight. My name is Alejandra and what I do is that I help go-getters achieve those next level goals, and I do that for helping them regulating their energy, boosting their confidence and building better and lasting habits. Pretty much, that's me.

Speaker 3: 3:21

My name is Michael Graham. I'm a speaker, teacher, coach, I have a company called Mindset Matters Consulting and I still got leadership development at Dream Building. I'm a retired police sergeant. I did 28 years in law enforcement with the Santa Monica Police Department and I'm an actor and a member of the Screen Actors Guild and a member of the.

Speaker 1: 3:42

Screen Actors Guild. Amazing. Now that we've got the formality out of the way, let's really talk. I have to. If you had to describe yourself in three words, what would you say In three words?

Speaker 2: 4:02

I would say driven, resilient and optimistic. Optimistic, oh. But there's a lot more than that right now, because it's a lot of reinvention, because I want to. In my introduction I didn't get to say but I've reinvented myself so many times. I used to be an engineer, then I worked in sales and marketing, then I started a business and now I'm a speaker and a coach. So there's like a lot of shifts into my personality. So that's why being driven has always helped me, because I have a goal and I go after it. But also it's the resilient CEO going through many different things and so many different challenges and adapting. So again, driven and determined, resilient, optimistic.

Speaker 1: 4:41

Let's take driven, that's a good one. How many people in here can relate to being driven? Yeah, okay, let's take driven, that's a good one. How many people in here can relate to being driven? Yeah, okay, probably why you're all here. I'm like, I love networking, but I'm going. Can you think of a time in your life where that high level ambition went a step too far, whether it was that you crossed somebody you loved in a way that you aren't proud of, or you've worked yourself into exhaustion or any combination of things that come to mind? Take me into a story.

Speaker 2: 5:21

It all started when I integrated here to the United States. So I moved here about two years ago with no contacts and no savings, only two suitcases, having to start something from scratch. And that's where I was so driven that I had all these big goals. I was like I'm going to achieve all of these things, I'm an engineer, I want to work for MIT and do all of these amazing things. But deep inside I had a lot of self-doubt and that's what was folding me back. I'm achieving those goals and part of me I was divided between okay, I have to go and do the things, but there's all this self-doubt that's creeping me and paralyzing me to take that next step. So at that time I wanted to focus on my positivity as my main trait to help me achieve those goals. But this positivity was actually taking me away from my real goal, because I wanted to show up and I had that uh drivenness, but I was not pickery enough to get there.

Speaker 1: 6:17

I love this because this is super relatable what.

Speaker 1: 6:20

I'm hearing you say and please correct me if I'm wrong when we have a goal or a dream and we're super driven and we're charging in the direction of our destiny and we're like I'm showing up, no matter what, I'm positive, I can do this, but we have real fear, real imposter syndrome, real perfectionism, issues that we're not healing, looking at, coming up through strategies, we're not doing the work that is required to actually stay on the path of drivenness right, because at some point we're going to get enough no's and that's going to start confirming the part of us that's like you can't do. This Told you right. Is that what you mean by that? That you were driven so much that there was also something inside of you that wasn't fully prepared for how fast you were going and at some point you realized, oh wait, I have to reconcile with these fears yes, obviously just got in the situation, made me face all these head on and that positivity was motivating me to keep going and show up, but at the same time, I was a little bit too delusional.

Speaker 2: 7:40

I had all these big goals and I'm going to achieve all these things, but I wasn't really taking the steps to get to those goals and that's what I wanted to focus on. Like I'm being an optimist and how that great or our people can be a trait and an asset, but it can also be a liability. There's a shadow party to be more of a deposit and in my face it had to do with lack of preparation and there's, like a lot of other ways that directions where this positivity could have been in a liability as well.

Speaker 1: 8:07

I love that. Okay, we're coming back around you guys, just so you know.

Speaker 2: 8:10

I don't know what she's asking, so this is only for my stuff yeah, I don't.

Speaker 1: 8:14

Everyone wants to know what I'm gonna ask. No, this is about vulnerability. When you come to these events, we're getting in the weeds together. I mean, I'll give them an idea when all the topics I said.

Speaker 1: 8:26

You know, this is perfect because we're gonna circle around of course, of course to how we shifted into an asset, right, which kind of came up a little bit. This is all about redirecting. It's not about shaving and blaming and being it's who am I? And when I'm not in my best, how do I get curious about what happens and how do I take responsibility for what happens next Period? That's what. This is right. What about you, Michael? How would you describe yourself?

Speaker 3: 9:01

Extremely handsome, unjust. I'm very hardworking. I am a I believe I'm a very good problem solver, spent 28 years solving people's problems in law enforcement. I strive to be, and have had a great number of opportunities to be, very proficient at my craft. I had the, I suppose, an authoritative, or at least I have that. I have that ability to show up, maybe be authoritative in a situation to bring in order to what is chaotic it's pretty quarter to chaos.

Speaker 1: 9:58

So those are. Those are fabulous tricks. Now let's talk about problem solving. I think I'm a pretty good problem solver too. Can you take me into a time when that beautiful trait was showing up and you were like I've got this and you give a bunch of suggestions and it falls on deaf ears? I don't want to be vulnerable.

Speaker 3: 10:32

There you go.

Speaker 1: 10:33

You're strong.

Speaker 3: 10:36

You know, I suppose, when I think about that question and about this character trait that I have and that I've used for so long in so many different situations, I show up with the intention, based on love, to help solve the problem when it has been a liability or less effective would be in a personal marriage relationship when my wife and I'm very emotional. In fact, I almost cried five times during your first 20 minutes and my wife is here.

Speaker 3: 11:22

I suppose we're showing it. To solve a problem isn't necessarily always what's needed. It's really to be the other centimeter and to be quiet and to convert and to be a convert. So that's, it's not difficult, it's it took awareness and it became a and it is becoming, and it has become and is always certainly becoming a learned skill and behavior. Certainly the the goal is to solve the problem, but maybe they'd rather not come on salt. Maybe would you have this devotion to connect with and to be supportive too.

Speaker 3: 12:06

So with trial and error, you know my awareness as well.

Speaker 1: 12:15

How many people can relate to giving unsolicited advice? Oh, okay, very good. In a way, that's what we're talking about, right? I mean as a mother, as a wife. My husband is by far my greatest teacher, because all I do is give people advice with their bodies and their spirits for the living. And when this man comes home he doesn't want to outspend. And I've had to learn to say this is a learned behavior, it is not my nature. Do you want advice or do you just skin needle with it? Take that skill, put it in your back pocket. You're welcome, right, because what does that mean? Being a problem solver as a police sergeant is an unbelievable skill. In fact, it could be a life-saving skill, okay, but in your marriage, it disconnects you from your partner when they just want you to listen right, this is exactly what we're talking about right and you've learned, probably because she's like so I'm trying to fix me.

Speaker 1: 13:36

I don't need you to fix me, I need you to listen. Okay, and now you're more conscious. In my way, all I'm under. Okay, we're in the land of dreamer, trudging towards our big goals, and we're so optimistic that we're not actually grounded in reality. What happens? Give me a moment where you're like oh, my god, this is way harder than I thought. I have not prepared at all. And how did you then start to prepare for ourselves?

Speaker 2: 14:21

This is a pattern that will always notice that it happens. Yes, I'm going to achieve this, this is going to be so easy. And then reality hits, and one example that I can think of was with my first business. So I had a healthy cooking business and I just did all the research, since there's a lot of moms here, this was per nursing moms. I had my kid, I had trouble breastfeeding, so I wanted something that would be healthy for moms, that would satisfy a craving and give them a little bit of self-care. And I did okay, all organic, food-free. That's quality ingredients. It's the best product ever. It's going to sell itself, right, big mistake.

Speaker 2: 14:56

So I had a pre-sale on kickstarter a bit familiar with that which is basically a space where you can do pre-sales of the product. Gotta use somebody's, they can pre-order the front. And I did all the page with all the effort and thought, okay, I'll just put one post and this is going to be sold out. And then I did that at Crickets and not me to do with the product or me personally. But I just was too optimistic, without doing the work of finding the community, the people building the marketing, just because I thought that the product was good enough that it would sell itself and I would tell everybody that I knew about it and I thought that it would be enough. So I was like a big like kick in the face in the time moment where I, the optimist, just wasn't enough for me to do that church. So how did you change that?

Speaker 2: 15:48

I did it a second time. So I failed miserably. The first time. I just had like three sales and I said, okay, let's just restart it, let's do it again, let's have a plan and a strategy in place and ask for help, because I thought I can do everything by myself and it wasn't until I asked for help and, you know, got a lot of people around. What do you think I could do to make this happen and have a real clear strategy and a mentor? That's right, it was accessible.

Speaker 1: 16:14

I'm above. That Would have fastened anything right. A liability of my optimism isn't enough to make me prepared, and then becoming aware of that for failure and knowing wait a minute. If I want to keep my optimism and be prepared, then that must mean I can't do this alone. That's another step. And then you had the courage to ask for help. That is awesome, michael. Give me one of those other traits again. You said you know, besides cancer.

Speaker 3: 17:05

I'm very heartbroken. I have been blessed to be accomplished in many of those things I'm pursued, Certainly in one of the things I mentioned earlier was in my career, and not only as an officer but then promoting the sergeant, supervising the training officers, showing up in uniform square away all day long to situations of chaos, traffic accidents, violence, civil unrest, and to be very clear on what people needed to do, any clear direction in standing in terrifying situations as the face and presence of authority to protect the less than the B-code and weighted protection. So I think that was something I loved doing, but it was also something that I learned to do in the BK. And then I was able to teach other officers you know how to do the job well, professionally, with respect, with dignity, with a mother of, with clarity and you know, with purpose, so that the they could come home feeling like they'd done a good job that day and they could go say to the mayor, you're a down boy.

Speaker 1: 18:43

He's a cry wolf, a little cry. Is there a time with your kids that you were strong and authoritative and it didn't work and it didn't help you connect? Absolutely, hmm, yeah can you take me there and then tell me how you?

Speaker 3: 19:16

You know, I think where I recognize the disconnect as in dad, with my kids, is in their silence, either inability to, or their choice to, or their refusal to be gentle, and that gentleness is key. It's also the flip side of showing up in uniform as the not only the police officer but the police sergeant, supervising and making very clear and direct commands and decisions for, for public safety. So it's a it's a big it's, it's a very big switch because it's easy to just take that home okay, how did you learn to be gentle?

Speaker 1: 20:31

what was one small thing that you practiced?

Speaker 3: 20:36

I love looking at things from different angles and looking for similarities. You know, certainly, I think, where this, where I learned this the best, that made the most sense to me was in my work with horses and horse training and the similarity of the gentleness horse needs and realizing, wow, that's what my kids need. So you know, really it's learning to change my energy, change my thinking, change my posture you know their level, can't ask questions about depth in their feelings.

Speaker 3: 21:33

I think those are probably the most effective ways for me to to then reading to get them to re-engage. I don't know if I can think of a very specific incident. I think that's a beautiful way to share, but I can think of emotion. I know you like it when I cry. I don't.

Speaker 3: 21:56

I certainly connect to the emotion. Yeah, and I spent a few years. I had a ranch. For many years I had horses. I didn't know as much about them then, actually, when I owned them all In recent years, during COVID, I spent a lot of time training the horses and learning how to train forces, and the repetitive gentleness necessity ingredient was just so glaring Could have had. Wow, this is so important for how I treat my life, how I treat my kids, how I treat everybody I meet. You know, it was very, very powerful and a lot of awareness. I gave it up for this, so it I'm getting better and better.

Speaker 1: 22:50

I believe it.

Speaker 3: 22:52

Yeah and uh. Yeah, I'm always seeking more awareness. Situational awareness is a safety aspect of my one-courseman training being aware of my situation, but there's also relationship situational awareness. I'm paying attention to this one up the relationships, yes, and that. So I'm really trying to apply. I've got tremendous tactical skills and I don't mean that as a tip to brag, it's my love. I love the SWAT team, I love the aspects of the tactical operation to bring in all safety for the people who really need a SWAT team and I love operating in that, in that mindset. But bringing that into my relationships and my work and my work with clients is really exciting for me as well, because it's a different approach to connection and relationship and I think that's why Paul here is to connect and have relationship.

Speaker 2: 24:08

That's a beautiful no-transcript.