Survival Mode: The Comedy and Tragedy of Being Too Damn Strong

Traumatic experiences shape us in profound ways, often gifting us with remarkable strengths that help us survive—but what happens when those same strengths become barriers to our healing?

This captivating panel discussion features Paige and Joe, two individuals who've faced devastating traumas yet found ways to transform their adaptive traits from potential liabilities back into personal assets. Their stories offer a masterclass in self-awareness and emotional growth.

Joe, paralyzed after a military service injury in 2007, shares how his unwavering positivity and resilience helped him adapt to life in a wheelchair. While these traits enabled him to build a beautiful family with three children, they also created what he calls a "hardened shell" that limited his emotional range. "I started seeing life in black, white, and gray," he reveals, explaining his recent journey to experience "more color" by finally allowing himself to process long-suppressed grief.

Paige, who lost her father to suicide at age ten and later became a military spouse, identifies as a "survivor." This trait carried her through unimaginable hardships but eventually morphed into a pattern of neglecting her own needs. Through her work as a yoga studio program manager, she's learning to apply the mindfulness practices she teaches to her own healing journey.

The conversation takes a powerful turn when discussing parenting, with both guests sharing vulnerable moments where they recognized opportunities for growth. These stories highlight how we can model accountability and self-compassion for our children while healing ourselves.

What makes this episode exceptional is its practical wisdom about balancing seemingly contradictory needs: How do we honor our emotions without becoming consumed by them? How do we maintain boundaries while validating feelings? How do we break unhealthy cycles without breaking ourselves?

Ready to transform your own character liabilities back into assets? Listen now, and discover how embracing your full emotional spectrum might be the key to living a more authentic and fulfilling life.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Spiritual Principles
• 3:22 Meeting the Panel: Paige and Joe
• 6:05 Character Traits: Assets and Liabilities
• 12:12 Strength as a Double-Edged Sword
• 19:42 Trauma, Survival, and Adaptation
• 24:54 Parenting Challenges and Growth
• 33:52 Vulnerability and Course Correction
• 40:38 Closing and Contact Information

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:11

Welcome back everybody to the Truth About Addiction. You are in for a treat, because this episode is yet another moment where I am live and in person interviewing two panelists about how to use spiritual principles in their everyday life. They didn't really know what I was going to ask them. They did hear me ask similar questions to the panelists just before them, but still these events are very intuitive and so, based on what their bio says, based on how they answer the first question, they have no idea how I'm going to approach the second or third questions. So it's a really raw and vulnerable experience at these events, which I've shared with you guys I do monthly in LA.

Speaker 1: 1:12

They're called Heart Conscious Creators for anybody consciously creating a life with meaning and purpose, and I'm really excited for you to get to know these two guests, paige and Joe. They both have pretty unbelievable capital T trauma that they've lived through and, while we don't focus on that, it's fascinating because the focus being on character traits and the parts of their personalities that, when they're used in the highest good, are an asset, can also be used, when triggered potentially by an old trauma, as a liability. So we get into the weeds about that and how we might consciously learn from these mistakes, without beating ourselves up, and repurpose these parts of our character back from a liability to an asset. So I'm super excited for you to hear this and get to know them. If you enjoy this podcast, please share it with somebody you love, who you think it would help, leave a comment and if you really want to talk to me, click the link in the show notes to book a free discovery call.

Speaker 1: 2:59

See you guys next time. Is it fair? Because they totally now know what we're talking about? But still, yeah, it's always the follow-up questions, because they're gonna say something and then I'm gonna want to ask something about what they said and that part is not planned right. That's just my desire to know both of you more, but I digress. Who are you, h?

Speaker 2: 3:27

I am, I'm a mother, I am a program manager for a yoga studio and what you're? The studio for power, oh, just for power?

Speaker 1: 3:41

no big deal yeah.

Speaker 2: 3:45

And I've been with 4Power for 15 years, but you know that's like such a big question who am I? Um, yeah, are we going into words yet? Not yet, I mean I can't remember. Yeah, I'm a. My husband was in the military, so I'm a military spouse. I think that's become a big part of my identity as well. And, yeah, I want to support healing, I want to support relationships and all those things are things I do, but it's such a bigger conversation which I can't wait to get into. Hi, joe, hello.

Speaker 1: 4:30

Hello, we're finally speaking at the same place. Together, we made it happen.

Speaker 3: 4:34

Just let me call out. I love Sam's outfit and I just saw her shoes because I had to have these in her. They're amazing.

Speaker 1: 4:44

Thank you, but this is not about me.

Speaker 3: 4:44

This is about you. Tell them you're amazing.

Speaker 1: 4:44

You're amazing. Thank you, but this is not about me. This is about you. Tell them who you are.

Speaker 3: 4:49

So I'm glad I paid one first, because I was going to go straight into like, oh, I do this. But she said to the mother I'm like, oh, I'm a father, you don't have to run. Oh, that's all I have to say. I was like, oh, and I also serve on the board of the nonprofit. I kind of fill my days with trying to get through three crazy kids. That's how Sam and I met with our kids in the same school and I've been in a wheelchair since 2007,. So that'll come out in some of the learnings as we progress. The questions. I suffered a serving injury in 2007, so I was in my mid-20s. So I have life pre-injury ambulatory, crazy adventurous a post-injury not ambulatory, but still crazy adventurous. So we'll learn a little more about that.

Speaker 1: 5:47

Let's get into it Well.

Speaker 2: 5:52

Paige, how would you describe yourself? How would I describe myself? I'm loyal, I'm a leader, a survivor, and I love my family. I love my family, I love my job leader.

Speaker 1: 6:14

What makes you a good leader?

Speaker 2: 6:16

give him a good listener, but it's taken a lot of practice because that question has come up of like how do you do this? How do you do what you do like I fail a lot of practice because that question has come up of like how do you do this? How do you do what you do? Like I fail a lot, um oh, tell me it's.

Speaker 1: 6:29

Have you failed, okay?

Speaker 2: 6:33

oh, boy, no top of mind, not a specific situation, but just a lot of conversations. Um, for example, you, for example, you know we have a, and that has been something that has been forever, you know. It's just, it's a time to disconnect and be with yourself and breathe with yourself and move. And I had a student with a cell phone and it was back in the slit. Remember those sliders? Yeah, those were cool. And then she was just like flipping, you know, and it was back in the slit. Remember those sliders? Yeah, those were cool.

Speaker 2: 7:06

And then she was just like flipping, you know, and it was a candlelight and I went in hot, you know, after class and I said "'Hey, just so, you know, we have a no cell phone policy". And she's like "'Oh, so sorry, that was my hard monitor". Ooh, yeah, it's like, ah, go to Surrey. Yeah, it's like sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but a lot of, I think, when I think of failure, a lot of conversations where I backtrack and say how could that have been more successful? How could I have communicated with that human and heard them more and maybe asked more questions, because that's been a big success in the work that I do is asking a lot of questions.

Speaker 1: 7:54

So that means that there was a time where, as a leader, you were really good at directing things, but maybe not as good at listening, and now you've developed a skill where you can listen. So is there a time you can think of? It doesn't have to be work, it could be with your husband, be as a mother, and we're worked so good. All the things, all the women. We're the most amazing multitaskers and we're always like you go, you go here, you wear this you stop doing that, which is an amazing skill, but they can be a detriment sometimes.

Speaker 1: 8:32

Right, sometimes we just need to let people do what they're going to do. Let them say what they're going to say yeah Right, let them fall. Let them fall, yeah yeah, so often. Fall, left them fall, yeah, yeah. So could you think of a time when you were trying to leave your children?

Speaker 2: 8:54

or direct them and really realized, oh, I could just stand out. Yeah, I mean often, often, uh, because you know one is one is very uh predictable and the other one is a bowl in a china shop, you know, someone stitches it to, staples it free. You're like, so I am very in those moments like, oh, you know, don't do that. But yeah, that comes. That makes me think about let them do it right, let them do it, and just taking a breath and trusting that okay, if something happens, we're going to handle it, we're going to go to the urgent care where we need to go. But definitely comes up often with especially Choke by Choker.

Speaker 1: 9:39

I love that she just said take a breath. Right, she's been working for Core Power, which is a super successful yoga franchise, for 15 years. But seriously, we talk about, like you know, I told you guys in my talk there's my spiritual life and my and my physical therapy life, and now they're they're totally integrated and I do not separate them right. And so you have your work life and your yoga practice and we go to yoga and we're all namaste as we go into the room like fuck you, you know and yelling at our kids.

Speaker 1: 10:09

And what you just said is I take a breath like she notices when she's being super managerial, hyper controlling. Obviously it's out of love. She's worried for the sun. That's got the stitches in the stables and she's like wait a second right, like how do I regulate myself in this moment? Oh, that thing I do in yoga that feels so good that when I'm in that out of my life I'm devoted to, I can actually do right now, right now, and it's free, and it will actually take my nervous system from fight or flight to rest and digest when my prefrontal cortex part of our brain that gives us logic and reason can stay online so we can think of things. That is a real life strategy that every single person here can take. I love that you share about Jel how would you describe yourself?

Speaker 3: 11:13

So it's interesting listening to Alejandra and Michael, because we didn't kind of convene on what our character traits were beforehand and I was listening to them like, oh, they stole some of mine so. But as they were talking to them I was like to them like, oh, they stole some of mine, but as they were talking to them I was like, well, mine is poorly, very differently. So Alejandro mentioned positivity and optimism and I very much think of that. And Michael mentioned good looking and I very much think that. He mentioned strength and I had resilience to that. So as I was thinking through those character traits and I've always viewed those as assets when I was thinking about the topic, about assets and liabilities they actually both have had very good things to, not only through what I've gone through, but also as I reflect on it too, they've also been detrimental. So the positivity and optimism from day one when I was hurt, I was always focused on let's move forward, let's not look back, let's. You and my wife and I were planning our wedding up to very close to the wedding day I said, let's not worry about the stairs of the church, I'll be walking by them. That was like my positivity and optimism, with my grit and let's do this. And what I realized is you can't change the world with just positivity and optimism. And what I realized through that is that my character traits have impacts on those around me. Because what was she thinking as I was saying, yeah, don't worry about it, I'll be walking my man, her being more grounded and realistic that'd be amazing. But also, well, it was winning the play. Um, so it's also so that that's where the positive and opposite really helped me. But again, and in thinking through that, it that it's maybe thinking through like, again, what can I do in the future? What does injury happen? I don't want to think about yesterday. I don't want to think about, like, what's happening. I want to think about the future, and what that's taking me away from is thinking about the present. So being positive and optimistic really took me out of really enjoying the here and now and really feeling the lows of the lows and living in that sadness and really being present in that moment.

Speaker 3: 13:33

And then the strength and resilience is similar. From day one I was skipping, I got hurt surfing walls in Hawaii, but from day one I was doing the hang loose with the nurses and people were wondering what's wrong with me me because I was hurt and was in a wheelchair. But I just used that circumstance to just move forward. And then I used strength, resilience to get through every day, because things are much harder than they were before With a new life, standing up easily, brushing your teeth or getting out of a car. Now things take me four times as long. My biggest fears were could I be in here, could I be a good husband? And here I am with three beautiful kids and an amazing wife.

Speaker 3: 14:14

But the negative part of the strength and resilience was I came to a point and this took me years and years I mean just until recently to figure out.

Speaker 3: 14:23

I came to a point and this took me years and years I mean just until recently to figure out that with that, I had such a hardened shell that I started seeing and feeling live in black, white and gray that I couldn't feel the full spectrum of emotion because of that shell of resilience, and that really hindered my ability to fully experience life. So, um, what I learned from that was just understanding who you are and sit with it and live with it and and let your body feel and and emanate with it and go into space, whether it's up against a tree, whether it's doing yoga. For me it's just sitting in the shower with the rain or with the, with the water just pouring down, or just these thoughts, ideas of the crazy times when those thoughts are going to really listen. And that's when I started doing it recently and I've started to see and feel more color in life. And I added an issue.

Speaker 1: 15:15

God, that's so important. I feel like I remember Joe talking to you, though many, many months ago, and I was stunned by the way that you said you just trudged forward after the exit. And I'm like, did you grieve? And? And if you were so strong and you didn't give yourself space to feel the darkness of that loss, did you get other people's space, like your wife? And it's amazing to hear you talk about this, because it seems like at the time you were like, no, I just, I just went ahead and I'm thinking I would. I would never, I would be debilitated emotionally before I adopt, to the place of strength, the resilience that you did. And so are you saying that you actually have had to confront the really hard part of what's happened? And also, even if you're feeling strong, hold space for maybe your wife or other family members. You don't feel as strong as you do about what happened yeah, it's interesting because I think this wasn't an intentional decision.

Speaker 3: 16:36

But right when the injury happened, the paralysis happened. I think I was strong based out of fear, and I say that because when I got hurt, that amazing girlfriend at the time was not my wife, but my fear was she could go, because this is the new situation and she could just be gone. So how can I make this easy for her to cope with? My parents were there in Hawaii and I knew it would be tough on them. They were talking about selling their house for medical bills. I'm like, no, I need to be strong for them to know that I will be okay. I think it's going to be okay. So it was for me. But I also reacted based out of that fear. That's what really helped me get through that and I forgot what I was going to say. Sorry.

Speaker 1: 17:27

No, I think we're getting where we need to go. I think I think I'm hearing right that that strength. I mean, how many people might describe themselves as somebody who is a strong person, right, emotionally strong, like thank you a lot, survived and and it's an amazing character asset but are we bypassing the weight of what we need to feel in order to continue to be strong again and, as you said, to experience the full spectrum of life? And that's really what all of this is right, like it's about feeling everything so we could heal and so that we're not living in 50 percent right, which means when it's hard, it's going to be really really hard, but when it's great, it's gonna be fucking amazing.

Speaker 3: 18:24

That's kind of of like I'm interested in that yeah, and that was the last part of your question of how am I confronting it. There's always been this little voice that said there's something there, there's something deeper, there's something that I eat on a pack. So, yes, I am confronting that. The question is, how do you confront that? Oh, I think one, this therapy to talk through things that have gone through, and I think that's everybody should. It's a life coach and there's nothing wrong or debilitating in today's society with it, I mean. So that's that's one, but also, um, just listening to that voice and not and not being afraid to attack and it's scary. And the reason. There's a reason why we don't listen to it, because it's scary. But we all have, we all have something that's like on our shoulder that we need to address, but we just keep on putting it off. But that's after 15 years of being injured that I started dressing and it's opened up so much, so much more than my life note that page.

Speaker 1: 19:20

You said that you are a military wife. Let's talk about how strong you've had to be with a husband who gets deployed, who you don't know is coming home now. So take me through a time, if you can think of it, or a story where you just couldn't keep being strong, where your strength was actually hurting you because you weren't feeling what you needed to feel.

Speaker 2: 19:58

Yeah, I think, in order to understand like survivor was my word right In order to understand why I chose that. I learned it at a very young age, as a child experiencing a loss. My father committed suicide when I was 10. And so, you know, growing and grieving through that, my mother did really the best to show us that this isn't your fault, this isn't something that you know. He chose to end his life and that's it's one of those things that we never understood.

Speaker 2: 20:31

So survival was kind of like the one trait, my character trait that I've always had, because you had to move forward, you know, you had to keep going and it lended itself to being a military spouse because my husband deployed and special operator, didn't know where, maybe, didn't know, didn't speak to him for weeks, oftentimes, like I think, a month at one point, because the base women built yeah, they were still delivering the wood to build the base, because it was an offsite area that we could know about, because it was an off-site area and that we could go about.

Speaker 2: 21:12

And, um, this survivor instinct, like continue on, keep going, keep going, I think things would happen and I would just hit a plateau of like you know what things happen in threes and get a flat tire. And then I get a ticket and the third thing is like ah right, so it it. It would hit a plateau and there wasn't really, with the exception of some spouses and some friends, that that I can talk to. You know, you just had to keep going. And, uh, I think this is where my character trait of like survivalism sort of shifted into creating patterns and deference and would just sort of go, go, go and defer my own needs, and I think that's that's the work that I continue to do and and I've been more present to can you tell me a specific time when you were like?

Speaker 1: 22:03

I am completely neglecting myself because I've been in survival mode for so long?

Speaker 2: 22:10

Absolutely, and it would probably be post-military, because that was when you know you're so padded with go, go, go. But when you get out that all the things sort of flood over and that's why transition is so hard, because you know they're in their top shape, they're moving and grooving and they get orders to to save people in in the military. As opposed to civilian world, it's like a different. It's a different thing, so that padding is less and less and I I just after my first child like I hit a moment and I've just not supporting any of my needs and I was still a coach and a lead and a facilitator for North South LA and and doing big things, but I deferred my own personal needs and that that is something.

Speaker 1: 23:03

That where my survival instinct of a character trait became this liability, yeah, yeah I mean thank you for both of you for sharing so vulnerably, because this is, this is real stuff. I mean, what? What are we really talking about right now? We're talking about adaptive behaviors that we learn for very good reason most of the time, that eventually in adult but become maladaptive, and when they do, remembering that you have agency overshifting that and sometimes that requires deep healing work, sometimes that requires coaching outside. Now, right, you have a trauma like that at such a young age. Of course you're going to get to survival mode and you were the oldest, right youngest, but most ones that's too hot right, yeah, right, yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:10

So caretaking, right, caretaking becomes a necessity. I, everything's gonna be all right, I'm gonna take care of everything. Fight or flight. Here we go again. Fight or flight nervous system. No wonder, by the third thing, the act of three. You know, you know, you're ready to blow, yeah. So then what's the healing work to restore the nervous system to a place of safety, right To a place of calm, so we can't hear what we need to hear and do the work we need to do? Joe, is there a parenting moment, post-injury, that you can think of, where you're like shit, I could have done that differently. And how would you pour today?

Speaker 3: 25:05

yeah, it's interesting.

Speaker 3: 25:07

So being in the wheelchair, the kids figured out that I have limitations, so they can go up a step or go behind the chair and I can't get to them, and so I found myself a lot of times using my voice, because that's how I can control things, because you go behind the arm and I can get to it, and then the voice escalates, and that is never a good thing as a parent, as we all know. So one thing that I've learned that my wife has been awesome at showing me by example is the ability to empathize with the child and then talk through it, as opposed to using voice. So I mean, I'm on that parenting journey but because of the fiscal limitation, I thought, oh, it's fine, like that's how I'm going to deal with my voice. But it's what I've really found.

Speaker 3: 26:04

And this is funny because when I was traveling, while I was doing consulting um, there's a book called the whole great child that teaches you to connect and redirect, and I was talking to this. This, uh, the person working the ticket moves in the airport and she had a tough time with it, with with the customer, and I talked to her about folks. You know the connected redirection book because I was. I use this for kids, but you can use it in life too. So that's an example of what I use with kids, but I use it with colleagues or friends and stuff now too, to disseminate or diffuse the situation and have people feel that you're connected and empathetic and that works a lot better with the kids too.

Speaker 3: 26:44

Raising the voice never really works, but connecting hearing and redirecting results a lot, a lot better with the kids too. Raising the voice that really works, but connecting hearing and redirecting those out a lot I love that.

Speaker 1: 26:52

And do you guys know who dr becky kennedy is? He's her. Yes, I love her work and she's no. She's psychologist, known for a lot of things, where she's considered like the millennial parenting whisperer or whatever that's worth by time magazine. One of the things she says that I think about all the time, when parenting is validate my child's feelings and embodied by authority, I think we get really scared.

Speaker 1: 27:19

We're in like this world of we're being too nice to the kids. You know this whole mindfulness of like placating them almost so that they're unable to deal with any type of failure in the world. And that's not what it is like. We're just we're trying to not scream and not give them a place to feel. We're also trying not to be helicopter parents because we want them to be able to tolerate failure, right, so it's like we're the generation if if you're a parent that's trying to figure out how to straddle the tension of something in the middle, and it's kind of what I'm hearing you say, right, like let me connect to the way they're feeling and still out the loss, because I'm a parent, I'm the adult, right, and these kids need boundaries and rules. Tasia, what about you parenting? Can you think of a recent instance, or something came up and you were like ah I think I told you about this instance um we had, I think I told you about this instance we had.

Speaker 2: 28:26

We had it was with my older son and we had family coming. I was like go tidy up the room in your room and about 15 minutes go by to go in there, he's he's under his bed. Yes, get under there, you know, do it. And he starts when one end comes out the other. He's like I did it. I was like, great, you got the stuff under the bed. He's like, yeah, goes off. And I go back and it no, nothing. And it was like he just was so, so excited that he successfully camoed you know, and um and I.

Speaker 2: 29:10

I was like at that, you know, in the end of the day, maybe um could have responded rather than reacting of like you know. So, of course, there's that a little bit of raising your voice I told you to do this and maybe even a little like unintentional shaming, right of like I asked you to do this, you didn't do this, and so I remember talking about this. You're like, how would you do it differently? And I was like, well, I would go back and have a conversation with them and be like amazing skills command, going under the bed, like amazing.

Speaker 2: 29:49

Next time, I really need you to try to do your best to support me and I apologize, like for my, the way that I responded, and so that's what I did, and he hugged me and that he got teary-eyed, which I mean. So it's just when we are able to acknowledge them as humans and them as like our actions can affect them, and so just acknowledging that which is like in life, you know, yep, acknowledging how your actions affect someone, and that, just how your actions affect someone, and that just genuinely being apologetic or genuinely see, I see you, I hear you, yeah, yeah, so important and and I'm also going to share because I'm not going to throw you guys, parents, out time I bring lit without sharing.

Speaker 1: 30:41

Really recently, okay, this is a woman with 16 years older been in all the therapy and all the land, very self-aware, and I took my daughter out for this epic day and I'm just sure she's swimming in gratitude and she doesn't get this one thing that she wants. And now it's the worst day of her life. She's the one on a tear and I was like you're acting like a brat and she just fucking started crying. I, I don't even use the word brat, okay, I said brat, like 20 years, and I, I I was stunned by how hurt she was, how hurtful it was that I just said that and I and I, okay. So here we go, right, what's happening? The shame gremlins are coming. You're a fucking terrible mother. Why did you do that? How would you say that? Okay, but I know from my sobriety that shame is the silent killer of our spirit and if you're an addict of our life, so I don't want to shame myself. So I say why did I say that? What just happened, I become compassionately curious, said Pritical, and I think, um, I, I was so excited to give my daughter this day and it was all her family thinks and I was sure she would appreciate it and I was.

Speaker 1: 32:23

I am sure I, I raise humans. I can be grateful. God damn it. I've got to be doing better than my parents did. This can't all be for nothing, this cycle breaking thing. And then she says that what does it activate that I'm fucking failing, that I'm doing it all wrong, and I feel so scared and so angry and I take it out on her. So I'm like, okay, got it. I understand what the hell just happened. No wonder I just escaped them and my daughter I that's how badly I was hurt. I need to course-cor what so much of tonight is about. And I went over to her when she was more calm and I got down and I looked her in the eye. I said I'm so sorry that I said that I was really mean. Mommy was so excited to give you this special day and when it sounded like you were grateful to tell if you are, it made me so upset. Let's hope that out on you.

Speaker 1: 33:38

I'm sorry, I love you so much. And she was like okay. I love you too, you little six-year-old, and we hopped. We're doing the best that we can, one day at a time. Joe, where can people connect with you?

Speaker 3: 34:02

Both on Instagram, Jake and Q q, and website jody2.com how about you page?

Speaker 2: 34:10

I have an instagram and uh, pagecisa. I also have in the female which I can give to you guys.

Speaker 1: 34:19

Pagecisa at corepoweryogacom thank you guys so much. No-transcript.