From Bedridden to Broadway: Reclaiming Worthiness with Deborah Weed

What happens when your entire world collapses, your body betrays you, and even the medical establishment refuses to believe your pain? For Deborah Weed, this nightmare became reality during a three-year health crisis that transformed her from a successful corporate executive to a bedridden patient fighting for her life—and her dignity.

Deborah's remarkable journey began at the peak of her career. As Director of Development for Citibank overseeing 19 branches and leading major projects with Disney and Universal, she embodied professional success. Then came the pain—excruciating, relentless pain that doctors repeatedly misdiagnosed or dismissed entirely. For three agonizing years, she received conflicting diagnoses ranging from MS to Lou Gehrig's disease, while others told her it was "all in her head." With iron levels dangerously low at 3-6 (normal being 15), she was literally dying while fighting to be believed.

The turning point came from an unexpected source: a 1943 copper penny. Learning that such a seemingly ordinary object could be worth a million dollars sparked a profound realization about self-worth. "If people walk by a penny thinking it's worthless, then who am I?" she wondered. This metaphor became the foundation for her first musical, "The Luckiest Penny," teaching children about inherent worth regardless of external circumstances.

After finally receiving proper diagnosis and treatment for a grapefruit-sized tumor pressing against her spine, Deborah emerged with a crystal-clear understanding of the difference between self-esteem and self-worth. "Self-esteem is what we do. Self-worth is what we say we're worth," she explains with hard-won wisdom. This distinction fuels her current mission—the Quills Up movement and development of "Paisley the Musical," a Broadway-scale production about reclaiming personal power.

Deborah's story reminds us that sometimes our deepest pain becomes our greatest purpose. When everything falls apart and you have nothing left but yourself, you discover what you're truly made of. Are you ready to reclaim your power and declare your worth? Visit paisleysfashionforest.com to join Deborah's movement and transform your own pain into purpose.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Deborah Weed
• 8:42 Corporate Success to Health Crisis
• 17:09 The 1943 Penny That Saved Her Life
• 27:47 Self-Worth vs Self-Esteem
• 34:40 The Pain of Being Disbelieved
• 43:38 Repurposing Pain Through Creativity
• 50:40 Paisley's Story: Reclaiming Power

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

Welcome back everybody to the truth about addiction. Today's guest reached out to me in a cold email and felt really compelled to share her story and now that we have shot the interview, I totally understand why we have a lot in common. Understand why we have a lot in common, and what I mean by that is not in the details of our story, but in the extent of our suffering and how we have overcome it and, beyond overcoming it, how we are repurposing our pain to help other people. Deborah Weed is the founder of the Quills Up movement, a bold initiative empowering women and creatives to reclaim their voices and worth.

Speaker 1: 1:01

After a successful career in branding, including executive roles like Citibank's Director of Development and a major branding campaign for Kia Motors, debra's life was transformed by a debilitating health crisis During a three-year recovery, a rare 1943, 1943 Copper Penny inspired her journey of rediscovery and self-worth. She has since written empowering children's stories like the Luckiest Penny and the award-winning Paisley's Last Quill, and is currently developing Paisley the Musical, a Broadway scale production about reclaiming your personal power. Through books, events and her quills up movement, debra helps others turn pain into purpose and ignite lasting transformation. Let's dive in.

Speaker 2: 2:01

But perfection's just a game of make-believe.

Speaker 1: 2:05

Hey, gotta break the pattern welcome back everybody to the truth about addiction. I am so excited about today's guest. This woman reached out to me and I do get a lot of people who write to me who've listened to an episode of the podcast, which, by the way, is so exciting that that's starting to happen and I think, as I'm regularly releasing episodes, it's picking up some momentum. And it's very, very exciting because I get to meet people all over the world who have inspirational stories and this woman's story. This isn't even going to scratch the surface. I read the bio in the introduction, but what she's had to overcome to get back to who she truly is and not just that, but to feel called to do something much, much bigger with that knowing is something I can so deeply relate to and that I so very much admire.

Speaker 1: 3:09

And there's a creative component to how she's sharing her work in the world which, obviously, for the listeners who know my story, you know singing and dancing was always my, my first love and I strayed from it for many, many years and it's in full swing back in my life. In fact, the song that you guys hear between the intro and this and at the outro of the podcast episodes is my song that is the anthem of my life and my book breaking the circuit. So Deborah weed and we were just joking that her last name is weed and I'm 16 years sober, and what a hell of a time she had raising two young boys with that last name, lol. I'm so excited that you're here. This is like the long awaited interview. We've been back and forth trying to get this thing set up and we did it. Well, we did it. I'm so happy you're here.

Speaker 3: 4:02

Thank you, and I'm so happy to be here, sam. I really appreciate the opportunity. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 4:08

What part of the world are you talking to me from?

Speaker 3: 4:10

by the way, my last name is Weed and I'm from Jupiter, Florida.

Speaker 1: 4:20

The first thing that comes to mind when you say that is I have this expression that I say a lot because I was always a person that could not be in the present, in my own body, because it was so unbearable, and so I was always future thinking, and the reason for that was I couldn't wait to get over there somewhere, when the anxiety and the self-criticism would stop. And the way that I try to live today is straddling the tension between feet on the ground, head in the sky, and maybe the new reinvention is feet in the weeds, head in Jupiter. Hey, I love that. Oh my gosh. No, because I want. I want to be present for my life as it is and in deep gratitude for who I've become and what I've cultivated and everything that is in this moment, which we know is all we have, and still hold space for the vision and ambition I see for my future. So you just took that to a whole new level. Thank you very much.

Speaker 3: 5:31

Well, and I will keep that forever. I love that Feet in the weeds head in Jupiter. There you go. It's so good, it's a song.

Speaker 1: 5:41

Speaking of songs, tell me about your background and obviously, for the listener, you're gonna have to explain it. But I want to know right now that part and then we can back our way into the emergence of you, the creative you got it.

Speaker 3: 6:02

Well, my background is very interesting because I think that my middle name is reinvention, because I've reinvented myself so many times. I went from corporate, being a director of development for Citibank 19 branches worked on a $26 million pavilion with Disney and Universal, consultants for Kia Motors in Daejeon, korea. This is when I was younger, at the height, at the very height of my career. I had a health challenge, a tremendous health challenge that left me misdiagnosed for three years in bed, which got me going into creating musicals for kids to teach them about self-worth. And when I came back from that misdiagnosis, I ended up doing musicals.

Speaker 3: 6:53

I founded the Self-Worth Initiative and we did shows in New York and we did shows in Miami and inspired kids and their families to really understand self-worth in a very profound way through storytelling. And then I was an award-winning artist and all these things have like transpired. But I've done shows, sam, since I was 16 years old. My mom had an entertainment agency. So I do have this big over-the-top dream of taking one of the books that I did Paisley's Last Quill and creating a musical, a full scale musical to the size of something like Wicked or the Lion King, because those musicals, with their magical realism touched me and really made a difference in my life, and I want to do the same for others.

Speaker 1: 7:46

Oh, my God, there's so much to talk about. So so, first of all, self-worth through storytelling, that that is a such a massive connection point between you and I. You know, and, and where I've landed in my life, which is I now speak on stages and I essentially at the very bottom of what I'm talking about is clearing away things like guilt, regret and shame, so we can hear the whisper of our intuition, so that we learn to love that self, that truest self, and then take action in the direction it's nudging us, so we can live a life that we're really proud of, not just every 24 hours, but when we get to the end of it. Right and I do that through storytelling, right, I really take people into the depths of some of the hardest things I've ever lived through. So to me, that's what is so needed. We're more connected than ever and we're so lonely, and I think storytelling is a tale as old as time in terms of the human experience. You know, people used to sit around the fire and and storytell, and so yes to all of that, but way earlier.

Speaker 1: 9:09

What was the diagnosis?

Speaker 3: 9:11

Well, okay, so this was. It was very harrowing because what happened is I went from the top of my career to all of a sudden being in excruciating pain. I mean, the pain was like giving birth every day. And I'd go, sam, I'd go to one doctor and the one doctor would say it looks like you have MS. Then I'd go to the next doctor and they'd say it looks like you have Lou Gehrig's. Then the next one would say it's all in your head.

Speaker 3: 9:40

Anybody who has this, and a lot of people who have gone through COVID, might be even going through something like this now, where they're looking to a doctor. They're looking to somebody else to give them answers. And you know how you talk so much about addictions. Sometimes trying to solve a problem is an addiction because you feel like it's up to you, only you, to come up with the answer. So during those three years of not knowing, I was abandoned by so many people.

Speaker 3: 10:13

A million things transpired and what it turned out to be is is that I had a fibroid tumor the size of the fibroid tumor the size of a grapefruit that was behind my uterus and pressing against my spinal cord. That's why it had been so painful. That's why I couldn't get out of bed for three years and I had been hemorrhaging every day. But they had said during that time period that it could be just like a heavy period because I was getting older. So they missed it. But my iron had been between a three and a six. And when my doctor finally figured out that my iron was that low, he said you should have died a long time ago.

Speaker 3: 10:55

And I think what happened when I check my soul right when I go into my soul, is that here I was in corporate but I never smiled and it wasn't really me. And when I was in bed I was trying to come up with ideas or things that would at least touch my heart. And you know what I came up with? I came up with seeing that a penny, a 1943, pure copper penny, could be worth a million dollars and that penny saved my life. Because if nobody can, if you walk by, if most people walk by and they're like, oh, penny, I'm not going to take the time to pick that up, it's worthless, then who am I?

Speaker 3: 11:46

And with that knowledge I started to create my first musical, called Luckiest Penny, for Kids that would show them there's two pennies, one whose name is Alistair, who thinks he's all that, he's perfect, never been touched, and he knows how much he's worth. But then there's Henry, and Henry's been in the garbage can, he's been on the streets alone, he's been somebody's lucky penny, he's been in the washing machine, on a wild roller coaster ride, and they're going to find out how much they're worth and why. And of course Alistair does get sold for a lot of money worth and why. And of course Alistair does get sold for a lot of money. But he ends up in a silver box for the rest of his life, whereas Henry goes home to a little boy who has his own challenges and he is loved, and both Tommy.

Speaker 3: 12:39

Tommy says to his grandfather who brought it to him you know why this penny is so special. It was born the same year as his grandfather who brought it to him. You know why this penny is so special. It was born the same year as his grandfather.

Speaker 3: 12:49

So, I made that into a musical. We performed in New York and Miami and we asked the kids afterwards who's worth more, alistair or Henry? And it's so interesting to find out what they think and why they think that way. And I learned through this whole process. I learned that self-esteem is like what we do hey, I'm really good at singing or whatever it might be, so I believe in myself, right. But self-worth means how much we say we're worth, we're only ones that can be say what that is. And so I really got hooked on creating these musicals that would inspire their, the kids and their family and the. The parents would come to say to me to say I don't even know how to tell my child what self-worth means, but through this musical they got it.

Speaker 1: 13:49

Okay, this is so good. So again, let's go back for a moment with the pain that you're in and I just I want to be taken into the despair to fully understand the symbolism of the penny. And so I'm imagining you know, as a physical therapist, you know I've worked with some people who've had pretty significant body pain and it's extremely debilitating and until you go through something like that, you really don't understand. So I'm imagining this for you. And then, on top of that, I'm imagining all the misdiagnoses and the frustration and the obsession to try to figure it out and then being unable to for however long that takes, being told you're insane, being gaslit you know so much of what not exclusively, but very much what women especially go through in the medical system.

Speaker 1: 14:51

And and then there's this moment with the penny and this symbolism of you know what does it actually mean to be worth anything at all?

Speaker 1: 15:03

And that we're so utterly conditioned through the course of our lives to think of worthiness as something that comes from outside of us.

Speaker 1: 15:11

Right, if you have the job and the degree and the house and the kids and the big life on paper and you check the boxes like then you're worth something versus being able to collapse that entire framework, have none of it, be dirty and scroungy, put through the washing machine, stepped on a thousand times, spit on, thrown out, and that that could actually be the most valuable thing, right?

Speaker 1: 15:39

And for me, the symbolism of that is this perfectionism thing that I suffered from for so long and and that actually being, you know what I call a messy masterpiece is the most beautiful thing, and it's so brave what it takes to get there, because you're really disentangling yourself from every single conditioned belief, from whatever you were exposed to in your home, from whatever you were exposed to in your home, plus, culturally, what you've been conditioned to believe. And so what was the quality of your self-talk and your self-worth after the two years going into the year, two to three before there was clarity and there was just chaos and confusion. That got you to a moment of reckoning and clarity where, yes, on the on the sort of tactical side, you finally got the understanding of what was happening physically, but the emotional and spiritual rock bottom that then this penny very deeply represented for you, so much so that you made stories and books and musicals out of it, like I need to know that.

Speaker 3: 17:02

Okay, let's go there. That Okay, let's go there. The first thing is is that when you have that kind of physical pain all the time and nobody can see it In fact people would say you look good. I hate that. I hate that it happens for so many people who are going through something you find that your words don't mean anything anymore and that is one of the most painful things there is, because I'm saying I'm dying, I feel like I'm going to die. I would actually have my husband drive me to a hospital, waiting like the parking lot, and wait there, because I just wanted to make sure that if I was gonna die right there and then that he could get me inside, that even the physical pain wasn't as bad as the emotional pain of people not believing me.

Speaker 3: 18:02

Because I was the kind of kid and still am I have a very difficult time. I have this face. I can't get by without lying. I mean, you know, like if I say something wrong, it's sort of like it's all over me. And here I'm saying I'm in trouble. And you know, in the beginning people were my family was understanding. Let's get to the bottom of this. But when you have doctor after doctor after doctor and no two doctors are saying the same thing and you are in agonizing pain, thinking that you're going to die.

Speaker 3: 18:38

It feels as if I lost. I really did lose everybody, which was kind of ironic because I never thought that I could make it and I was definitely suicidal. I was definitely like get me out of here, because not only is this pain horrific, but I don't know what it is and there's nobody stand. After a certain part, you know, after a certain time, there's nobody standing with me. I'm all alone. And that's why the penny became so huge for me, because I needed to use my creativity and imagination to bring me back to life. That was the only thing that was going to do it, because there's no doubt in my mind that I could have. You know, I might not be here otherwise. Through the creativity, at least I had something to hold on to. That made me feel like I could take my pain one day if I made it, and help the next person make a difference.

Speaker 1: 19:46

How did you have a relationship with that deep knowing inside of you that ignited the creative spark to say I've got to do something about this, when the parts of you that were in pain were really loud loud how? Because you know in my experience is that I had to be at absolute spiritual rock bottom, which I think this is. This was a very similar place for you, where I didn't want to die. I really didn't, but I couldn't go on living the way I was living. And so then there was a possibility that opened up for a new way of living, and at that time for me, a woman came in and suggested that, in my case, that we do the 12 steps on the marital crisis I was in, and it gave me something to latch onto that I felt safe inside of, to begin a new type of healing process so that I could calm the inner critic that was constantly telling me this is what you get for what you did to your husband five years ago. Calm that voice down such that I could turn up the dial on the intuitive voice, which then became the creative spark for starting my business, for I mean every good thing that's happened to me, including, after losing my sister Writing the book that's now out in the world. But I couldn't hear it Because I was in so much pain and I needed this woman in my case to come in and give me a permission slip to forgive myself, to start dialing down the volume on the way I was speaking to myself so I could hear the intuitive voice.

Speaker 1: 21:37

So how did you like, if I'm imagining you in this situation, like all alone in physical agony, and that part is like what? A nine out of ten, ten out of ten in terms of like intensity, and then and then, and then you have this part that's like I've got to do something with this or I'm not gonna survive. But how do you hear that, let alone listen to it, when this is so loud, like what, what I mean? This is a really serious question. But why did you not want to die? How did this part of you show up strongly enough for you to be like, yes to this, even though this is insane right now, this is intoler a deep question, I guess, and the answer is I had.

Speaker 3: 22:33

My son was probably about 14 or 15. And I did. At one point I did give my father who I adore and like, is a Yoda dad, the best in the world and I did give him a suicide note, because at that time nobody knew what it was and I was like, hey, something, I'm dying here and everybody's saying I'm okay, I'm not okay, I can't get up. And so you know and the the pain it was. It was as bad as it sounds. I mean, like every time you had to go to the bathroom, you can imagine if there's this big thing that's the size of grapefruit, how do you do that? So I gave it to him and it was my son.

Speaker 3: 23:14

I made the biggest mistake in my life, but also it saved my life. I went to my son and I was like I didn't want him to think, oh my God, if his mom left, you know that it was because of him. I was terrified of that. That was the thing that was probably holding me on. So I decided to go to him and share with him what I had been experiencing. And when I did, he said to me mom, I don't care if you're in a nursing home, I don't care if you're unconscious, I don't care what you have to go through, but I want you to see your grandchildren. And that was the turning point. That was the only thing that had me hold on to this day. It hurts my son it's ironic, you know, because he carries that in him of seeing all that transpired. It was post-traumatic stress, but at that time that was the only thing that kept me in the game.

Speaker 1: 24:23

I get it. I need to know that stuff. I'm in the business of staying curious about what it takes for people to heal, and I have such an extreme story of what it took and it's a miracle I survived all the different versions of it. Uh, I pray to God that you know the other people don't need it to get so bad and be on the brink of death before finding their way back home, but that's often not the case, right? It often takes, you know, a combination of physical and spiritual crisis to to wake up into a new state of consciousness, to really be courageous and willing enough to try something new.

Speaker 1: 25:09

And and so I asked those questions because it's the very root of how we can change even in the face of disaster, and I think people need to hear that and be inspired by that in the most honest way. So I appreciate you sharing that and I you know, being in being a healthcare practitioner, I obviously am dying to know. I'm sure the listeners are dying to know how did it finally come to pass, what was actually happening in your body and what was the experience for you having to reconcile the way in which you were abandoned by friends and family who, all of a sudden now are like oh, she was telling the truth and did you lose a lot of people, like so part one and two, because both parts I'm extremely interested in.

Speaker 3: 26:12

And those are like really, really powerful questions as far as the people is concerned. When it comes down to that, I'm still healing. I think you know what? The reason I do everything that I'm doing is because I want to go back and save that one person that's like me, that's out there right now and maybe, you know, maybe they don't have a son who's going to say hang in there, and maybe I can be the person that they can say hang in there. Because even though I thought I knew everything in life, even though I was like, hey, this is, you know, I already know what life is like. This is too much. I feel as though maybe I can just say there is something beyond Hang in there, you are worth it.

Speaker 3: 27:01

And as far as how it was found, it's crazy. I went to a doctor who had a PhD. He checked my iron and he said your iron is a three to a six. You should have been dead. You should have been dead that whole three years, I mean. Well, I don't know if it was that low all the time, but by the time he checked it and it was so obvious. So I had a hysterectomy and that's what.

Speaker 3: 27:27

That's where I was able to then jump back into life and start the, become the founder of the Self-Worth Initiative and start these musicals and stories to inspire and make a difference in people's lives.

Speaker 3: 27:42

But I think I think that the misunderstanding or being being misunderstood is worse than anything, because I could never understand why other people couldn't understand, who were close to me, who knew me, and yet maybe that's why I don't understand profoundly what other people are going through Like the depth of your questions shows that you've been there, you're not afraid to go there and you want to just, you know, look inside and make sure that you're being real, because that's one thing I haven't done until later in life. I'm a grandma now and I'm just learning that now that the healing doesn't come from pushing things down further where they know, where you can't see them anymore, they're lurking there. For me, the answer has always been creativity, because creativity flows from above, flows in and seems to push some of that pain, trauma, away and gives me a purpose that's bigger than myself when the doctor saw how strikingly low your iron was, was there a level of imaging that was done that finally allowed people in the medical community to go?

Speaker 1: 29:17

Oh my God, was it? During the hysterectomy they found this giant mass. I mean, I mean like logistically, as a practitioner, what did it? Because because for the person listening like there's so many layers to this, there's so many, and I'm just talking right now on the physical side for the person who needs to, and I teach all my people who came to me just for their bodies. Now people come for body and spirit, because you cannot separate the two. So much of the work was teaching them about the psychology of getting older and how to accept things, be flexible about their perspective, about their body was capable of instead of rigid but also self-advocacy.

Speaker 1: 30:07

Here's what I want you to say when you go into your doctor's office and if you're afraid, I will come with you. Actually, I was a practitioner. I literally would come to the doctor's rooms with my patients. That's how much I cared about them. But I would have them. I'm like, don't try to remember what I'm going to say. You know how this goes when you are with a practitioner you're nodding your head with everything they say, you go into and you forget. You forget entirely.

Speaker 1: 30:29

We're gonna write down, if I can't come with you, every single question that I want you to ask the doctor. So for the person who's having body pain that's listening, I need to know the specifics from the moment that the doctor said oh my god, if this is the way you've been living, I don't know how you're still alive. Two, you're in the OR having a hysterectomy. What had to happen? What tests had to happen? What questions did you ask that were answered? What insight did the doctors finally give you, like, take me through that so that a person listening can go? I am going to make sure that I always ask that question, or I always ask for that test, even if they push back and say you don't need it, even if they push back and say your insurance doesn't cover it, so that you can go from there, depending on what the response is. But at least they know what to ask.

Speaker 3: 31:29

Well and for me. I love you, I love you. I wish I had known you back then. Oh my gosh, to have an advocate like that. Oh, you're really touching my heart in a huge, huge way, because you lose your voice so many times when they were doing the testing in the beginning, so many times when, when they were doing the testing in the beginning, they it was before the time that they had um, ultrasound inside you. It was ultrasound outside of you, on your stomach. That was how they checked.

Speaker 3: 32:01

And during this time period when this was transpiring so that's why they missed it when the doctor just took a simple blood test, a simple blood test to check for iron. Your iron is supposed to be a 15. That's where you're supposed to be to function, and mine was a three to a six, you know, depending on the day that he checked. And that's why he said you should be dead. In fact, when you don't have iron in your body, it's almost like you breathe something in and it's almost like you've got a hangover, because your body has no way to filter things out. So then, when he figured that out, he did the ultrasound inside of me and that's where it was like duh, you know, oh and, and did I ever get that big thing? You know, like, maybe in a movie, maybe in a movie, you know, you get that thing where it's like, okay, yes, but there was no like big yes.

Speaker 3: 33:05

Because what happens after three years of programming other people not to listen ironically and to question my own integrity? Because I did. You know, I was so scared, I didn't know what to believe. And if the world or if doctors are telling me I don't have something, then something's up, then if something's up. And so I would say to anybody out there it's like you said, be your best advocate.

Speaker 3: 33:36

And sometimes the the next story with Paisley sometimes we give away our power, especially the doctors, especially because they're the ones that are supposed to save us. How can you like, like, if you see on their face that they're starting not to believe you I mean, it's like a mirror to your soul and you respond. So to have an advocate like you that's going to stand in somebody's corner, or if they don't have you, even if they can get a family member, any family member, to stand by their side, that gives you unbelievable courage. And but when you're alone in this kind of a fight, the only thing that I can say is, at least for me, is take that and turn it into something else, if you have, if you can, if you can.

Speaker 1: 34:35

So, okay, yes, let's do this in stages right now. So to the listener, on a very tactical level, at the bottom of everything, everything, everything in your life, whether it's physical pain, relational trouble, friendship problems, job dissatisfaction the sooner you can get to your knowing, even if your knowing is saying something is wrong I don't know what it is, but it's wrong you must get quiet enough to listen and to trust that, no matter what, no matter what anyone or anything is telling you. Number one, and if you do because if you do that, you're going to keep fighting on behalf of yourself You're going to keep fighting on behalf of yourself and at some point there will be clarity and a shift. Okay, so you must. I mean, patients are so unbelievably wise and our medical system is so broken it is literally designed to tackle symptoms. So forget about getting to the source, forget about listening to the presentation and having enough time and care and empathy to go, if I err on the side that this woman knows intuitively something is wrong, even though it doesn't fit into the pattern recognition box. I learned in school what might I test for? What might I test for to try to help her solve her problem? Right? And so, as the patient.

Speaker 1: 36:29

Step number one trust yourself. If you go to somebody who doesn't believe you, go to another person and another person and another person and another person, ask for the next test and the next test and the next test, and know that our current healthcare system is broken, so you might need to go outside of it. You might need to go to a functional medicine doctor, a naturopathic doctor, who is going to take extensive blood panels that do not fall under the rigors of the insurance constraints. And if you need to put it on a fucking credit card because it might save your life, then maybe you need to do that. And you ask all the questions. You use AI to your benefit, right? We're all so scared of AI. It's coming for us, it's here. We can't do anything about it. How can we leverage it? What are the best questions I can ask my doctor when these are my physical symptoms, and this is what I've been told. What are the best questions If you don't have someone in your corner who can come with you, fight for your fucking life? Okay, and stick to your knowing.

Speaker 1: 37:36

And the second part, which is also where you and I are very aligned. It's hard. I'm working on this spiritually, I feel like I'm in a. I'm in a spiritual ascension, literally as we speak, about the level of reality that I exist in now and the one I can exist in, which is even higher in terms of being deeply connected to my, my divinity. I don't know how to make sense and I don't think you do either of my pain If I don't give it away, if I don't repurpose it and use it to extend my hand to the next person who's suffering, and that's the second part of what you said, which is the emotional suffering and going.

Speaker 1: 38:32

Okay, I have been a prisoner in my body and in my mind, based on the traps of feeling insane and feeling abandoned, and I, in an effort to set myself free, I have created something that is so much bigger than my story and my pain. I have done something that I hope will set somebody else free, and that is everything that, to me, makes my pain, dare I say, worth it. And it's so brave that you made a decision to do that, because it was a fucking choice and you didn't have to make that choice. So I just really want to commend you for that. It is almost, if not impossible to understand why this is happening and when it will ever be over and where your life could ever end up and that it could ever be good, let alone great, let alone joyful again. I know that. I know that place. I've been to that place so many times and I've also tried every version of running from pain. I have done the drugs and alcohol and anesthetizing which almost killed me. I've done the addicted to control, to what I can do, until my marriage fell apart and I wanted to die and it stopped working.

Speaker 1: 40:22

I've tried, after years of spiritual work, losing my dad, to control food and body because the idea of leaning into my grief felt unimaginable, too painful, and then I lost my sister and I was at a crossroads because I had lots of choices.

Speaker 1: 40:44

I could have decided to drink and use and it would have been a straight shot to the end of my life, maybe quickly, maybe slowly, and I didn't want to do that.

Speaker 1: 40:53

I could have run from my grief, though I knew it would catch up to me, like I tried to do with my dad. Grief, though I knew it would catch up to me like I tried to do with my dad. Or I could try to lean all the way in and see what I could birth and who I could become on the other side. The last three years that's what I've done, so I can stand here and talk to you and unequivocally say, of all the virgins of running from our pain, that this leaning in business has been the best, biggest, brightest, most beautiful version in my whole life, and I want that so badly for the person who's listening, and I want to know for you the level of catharsis and healing that's taken place for you in taking this pain and doing something deeply meaningful with it. What has this been like for you and where are you today in the pursuit of getting this message of hope and self-worth out into the world?

Speaker 3: 42:06

Wow, wow. I hope that everybody really, really hears what you just said, because leaning into something like you say, it's so scary, isn't it? I used to think that if I cried enough, that I would start, start crying and never stop. It was like, how can I go to the pain? No, no, like from a spiritual standpoint, I've got to rise above it, I've got to be better than it, whatever it is. And you know what I've I've learned, especially with this self-worth stuff, is that healing means. The definition of healing, if you look it up, means you're whole. So if healing means whole, then how can we get rid of any part of ourselves Exactly? People think that healing means all good. Right, it's sort of like I'm healed, it's all good, it's all a party. But that's not the way it is. Healing is actually embracing every aspect of yourself and knowing that that's good enough, that that is like your magnificence. So where I've taken it I've had a couple of other health challenges it seems like in the universe that seems to be the thing that says pivot and then pivot again.

Speaker 3: 43:30

But one of the stories that I came up with and I'm working on a musical now is about a little porcupine who dreams of being in the fashion designer. But well, first let me say that I needed. I needed a protagonist that would absolutely positively give us the idea of giving your power away. And the best thing I could think of was a porcupine, because porcupines are supposed to use their quills to protect themselves, right? But anyways, this porcupine, paisley. She gives away her quills to Zivana, which is a Cruella de Vil type character, and she gives them away one by one to make all the other animals feel good about themselves, until she's down to her last quill. And it's what she does with her last quill. That makes the difference and another one of my physical challenges.

Speaker 3: 44:31

I wrote this book called Paisley's Last Quill, about this little porcupine, and it was to give especially young girls boys too, but young girls the idea don't give away your power, reclaim it. And it got five stars, so beloved. But some of the mothers were telling me, sam. They were saying, please, you know, this book is for me, forget my daughter, it's for me and I'm like you know what. I'm going to go for it.

Speaker 3: 45:01

At this time in my life I have nothing to lose. I have had so many things like what you're describing, so many challenges and trauma. Why not go for the big, over-the-top dream? So now I'm working on Paisley, the musical that has that storyline of my storybook, but I want it to be to the scale of Wicked or the Lion King, because I love those musicals and I don't have a budget. I don't know how actually I'm going to get it done, but I'm inviting singers and producers and, like a global collaboration, anybody that has talent where they need a vehicle or they want a vehicle. Maybe there's somebody like me or you where they have been stuck in their life but they have these beautiful gifts. They just don't know where to put them. Come to me. Come to me. I've got a vehicle that I'm putting together now and it's my wish and my dream that one day I'll be in a massive theater, not watching the stage like everybody else.

Speaker 2: 46:00

No.

Speaker 3: 46:01

I'll be watching the audience and hoping that I touch that person who is like what you're saying lost, broken, doesn't know how to contain the pain, doesn't know how to transmute the pain and then maybe they'll walk away with a song in their heart, like you create, that will make them hang on and be that beacon so that if there's nobody around, they can think of paisley oh, so beautiful.

Speaker 1: 46:35

Is there anything else you would want the listener to know?

Speaker 3: 46:41

That there's a difference between self-esteem and self-worth. I always thought that they were the same. Everybody always gets them confused. But self-esteem is like I did a great job on this musical or whatever it might be. But self-worth is something that we get to say how much we're worth, and we're the only people who can say how much we're worth. The problem is we look out there to determine what other people think so that we can say, oh, I must be worth a lot, because look at what's happening in my life. It's all good or it's all. You know, I've got the money, I've got the relationship, I've got whatever it is.

Speaker 3: 47:21

But when you're somebody like me, or maybe you know one of your listeners where everything falls apart and you've got nothing left except for you, and what are you going to do and what worth are you going to put on yourself? So I guess what I'd want to share is that everybody has a gift, everybody is worth it, and if you can hang on I hope you can hang on, because there is something on the other side where you can take that pain and you can connect with another person, and it might be just to listen to somebody, and that might be enough. We just don't know how this whole tapestry works, and yeah, so just hold on, I care profoundly, like you care profoundly, it's evident.

Speaker 1: 48:17

I love that. I love that. It's fascinating to think about these two things. I was just at a lunch with a girlfriend asking her if she thought there was a difference between listening to your heart and listening to your intuition, and it sparked a really interesting conversation.

Speaker 1: 48:33

And I don't think I've ever thought about the distinction between self-esteem and self-worth, though I definitely feel that they're different, and when you were first talking I was thinking you know, there's this phrase in recovery that says we build self-esteem by doing esteemable acts, and in that sense it's almost as if doing esteemable acts things that are aligned with your integrity, your values, esteemable acts, things that are aligned with your integrity, your values can help build self-worth, and so it can be a bridge to get to self-worth. But then there's something a little deeper that you're saying, which is that just by being exactly who you are, by being born into this universe with no strings attached, no outside thing having to validate your existence, you are worthy, you are enough, and I think that's at the very root of what you want people to know, in the depths of their suffering especially. And amen to that. Worthiness is your birthright.

Speaker 3: 49:37

Worthiness is your birthright. Worthiness is your birthright. Where can people find you? They can find me at paisleysfashionforestcom and, once again, if you're a singer or a producer or somebody who just really wants to get into to learn more about Paisley, the musical, and how it's going to affect people, I invite you to come by. And I also am the founder of the self-worth initiative, so I also have another website, the self-worth initiativenet, and we'll put those links in the show notes so people can directly reach out to you if they want more information.

Speaker 1: 50:17

So people can directly reach out to you if they want more information.

Speaker 3: 50:20

What a joy to talk to you, and you have asked some of the most profound questions. Thank you for being able to go there. That really shows the depth of character that you have.

Speaker 1: 50:32

That's me. That's me. This is what I care about. And to something you said earlier you know, when you've been at the brink of death and you come back, there is an urgency in how you live. And one of the urgencies of my life now is to get to the heart of the matter, with whoever and whatever it is. So if I'm going to have a conversation with somebody on a podcast I love belly laughter, I love silliness and playfulness. It doesn't always have to be deep and hard and sad, but God damn it, if I'm not slapping the table in a fit of laughter, we're going to go all the way in and we're going to have a real conversation that moves the needle of our lives in a different direction, because otherwise I don't know what the point is. So that's me, that's just me.

Speaker 3: 51:29

I feel like saying amen, of course oh my god so good.

Speaker 2: 51:53

Oh my God so good. Against the wall, don't need a crucifix to take me to my knees, whipping my mistakes to jump over the grief. Breaking the circuit, making it worth it all. Sick and tired of the voice inside my head Never good enough is leaving me for dead. But perfection's just a game of make-believe. Hey Gotta break the pattern, find a new reprieve. Breaking the circuit, making it worth it all.

Speaker 2: 52:40

Hiding ready to make a change. Hiding bigger than my pain. There's no deep inside. I gotta live the life. I can be brave and afraid at the same time. Practice self-compassion, start to calm my mind, taking tiny steps to loving all of me. Trust the process, cause it's gonna set me free. Breaking the circuit, making it worth it all. I am ready to make a change. I am bigger than my pain. There's no deep inside. I got left. Is life Gotta gotta gotta break it, or fake it till we make it? Gotta gotta gotta break it? I am ready to make a change. I am bigger than my pain. There's no deep inside. I got the, the life. I am ready to make a change. I am bigger than my pain. There's no deep inside. I got the, the life.