Perfectly Imperfect: Finding Freedom in the Messy Middle with Dr. Samantha Harte

What happens when the very traits that once helped you succeed become the prison bars holding you captive? In this raw and revelatory solo episode, Dr. Samantha Harte takes us on a deeply personal journey through her battle with perfectionism—a character trait that drove her to academic excellence, cocaine addiction, marital crisis, and ultimately, profound transformation.

Drawing from her recent Harte Conscious Creators event, Dr. Harte vulnerably shares how her need to control everyone and everything manifested when facing failure or uncertainty. From plagiarizing a college paper to preserve her straight-A identity to overdosing on cocaine the very night she was accepted into a doctoral program, she illustrates how perfectionism created an illusion of control while actually destroying her life.

The breakthrough came during her marital crisis, five years sober but spiritually broken. Though physically clean from substances, she was still trying to control outcomes and people, particularly her husband. Working the 12 steps with specific focus on her marriage revealed a powerful truth: she had no power over her husband's feelings, potential infidelity, or their relationship's ultimate outcome—but she did have power over her healing, self-talk, and the meaning she gave her experiences.

Dr. Harte's most profound insight came when asked if she'd ever made amends to herself. As a perfectionist, the concept was foreign—everything was her fault because that maintained the illusion she could fix it. Learning to forgive herself became the foundation for later forgiving her husband and rebuilding their marriage. Through losing her father and sister, she faced more tests of surrender, ultimately leading to writing her book modernizing the 12 steps for everyone.

The gift Dr. Harte offers listeners is the courage to trust the process of imperfection. As she powerfully states: "Everything good, everything magical that has ever happened to me has happened in the messy middle." Her message transforms the 12 steps into universal tools for living, loving, parenting and working with greater authenticity and peace.

Want to break free from your own invisible prison? Listen now and discover how embracing imperfection might be your greatest pathway to freedom.

To book a FREE discovery call with Dr. Harte, click the link below:

https://calendly.com/drharte/free-discovery-call-w-dr-harte

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to The Truth About Addiction
• 6:34 Perfectionism and Academic Identity
• 11:32 Addiction and the Illusion of Control
• 16:14 Spiritual Rock Bottom in Marriage
• 21:58 Making Amends to Myself
• 28:19 Writing the Book and Modern 12 Steps

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back everybody to the truth about addiction. You're in for a treat today, because it's a solo episode from my most recent Heart Conscious Creators event, which is my monthly networking event that I moved from Los Angeles up to a suburb near my house in Westlake Village where I essentially take one of the 12 steps every month and extract the universal principle, the spiritual undertone of the step, and make it modern so we could figure out how to use it and how we live, love, parent and work. And when I kick off the event I do a keynote and I practice different versions of my keynote depending on the step that we're talking about. And so for this episode, what I talked about was perfectionism. Why? Because for me that is one of the character traits that has gotten me into trouble again and again and again when I cross that invisible line and I try to control everyone and everything because I can't seem to tolerate the idea of failure or uncertainty. And I take you guys on a ride of some of the hardest stories of my life and how I eventually learned to deeply trust the not knowing, even though it's so scary. So this is a great talk If you're somebody who resonates with being a type A or loves a neat and orderly world.

Speaker 1: 1:41

You're really going to get a lot out of this. Enjoy it. If you like this podcast, let me know. If you want to hear particular things, leave comments. I read them Like. Subscribe. Share the episode with a friend. I am truly trying to bring a modern, trauma-informed the world to help us find freedom from this emotional prison we often find ourselves in truly, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart and I mean that regardless of our external circumstances, enjoy and I'll see you on the other side.

Speaker 2: 2:38

Hello.

Speaker 1: 2:41

I would ask if you could hear me I know you can hear me Can I get you guys closer to me instead of there being empty space? I need the energy. I know a couple people are stuck in pretty horrific traffic who are traveling from OC, so we're going to have some stragglers, I know. Thanks guys, thanks guys, and hopefully no one's texting me wondering where the place is because I won't be able to answer. Thank you for coming. I'm Dr Samantha Hart. Who's first time? Who's a first timer? Ooh, a lot of you. Who forced you to come out on a Wednesday night. Okay, okay, rasta, it's all Rasta's fault. So welcome to Heart Conscious Creators.

Speaker 1: 3:29

This is my 10th edition, although up here in Westlake Village, it is only the second time that I've done the event. I've been doing it in LA and it occurred to me that I don't live there anymore and once you leave the city of LA, you kind of wonder why you were ever there in the first place and I thought I need to bring this thing here where I live. I need to build community and have real, authentic conversations here where I live. What is heart conscious creators? Well, my last name is heart. Very convenient, my God given name, name. What does it mean to be a conscious creator? It means that you are a person who is consciously creating their destiny, that you are trying every 24 hours to elevate your consciousness so that you don't just hit your head on the pillow at the end of 24 hours, but you actually get to the end of your life and feel like you lived it with meaning and purpose. If that is you, or if you would like that to be you, you belong here, so welcome. Thank you for coming.

Speaker 1: 4:40

Before I tell you a little bit about me, the other thing I want you to know is that I have a book that came out a year ago and I'll get to that in my story. Very exciting, I actually wrote a book and now this event is themed around my book. It is July, it is the seventh month of the year. I happen to have 16 years sober from drugs and alcohol. Recovery is a huge part of my story. Thank you, it's a really big deal, yeah, bravest, best, hardest thing I've ever done.

Speaker 1: 5:16

And my book is a modern reinvention of the 12 steps so that anybody, addict or not, can have a pathway through their pain. So, as I did more and more of these events, I dialed into what this is really about. What am I doing this for? How do I get people to leave here at 8 o'clock and have tools, real tools for their life? So every month of this year 2025, I've been theming out the event based on the month and the step it corresponds with.

Speaker 1: 5:51

Don't worry, I don't think you're an addict. If you're in this room, you're like oh, is this a secret intervention? It's not. It's not. The idea is about living an emotionally sober life. And so step seven is this idea of surrendering behaviors, coping patterns that you once used because they really, really helped you, especially if you had trauma growing up and now they are hurting you. What does that mean to surrender? What does it take to surrender these parts of ourselves? That is the highlight of what we're going to talk about tonight. And so when I think about how I describe myself, you know, in the rooms of AA, I'm a recovering addict To you guys. I'm a speaker, I'm an author, I'm a coach. I'm also a recovering perfectionist, recovering Hi guys, come on in.

Speaker 1: 6:58

I told you there'd be stragglers when I had to decide to go away to college, pick a major. What I really wanted to do was perform. I wanted to sing and I wanted to dance, but I grew up in a house where you don't make those decisions. You get a degree. You get a degree because nobody can take it from you. Academia was seductive and safe. If I studied hard enough, I could get an A. If I got an A, I get the job. If I get the job, I have a stable life right. So when I had to pick a major, I was like I don't know communications, I like people.

Speaker 1: 7:43

Up until this point, I had been a straight A student and I remember people saying to me watch out, when you go to college, you're going to gain the freshman 15. You're going to flunk out your first semester. I was like you guys haven't met me yet. So what did I do? I got in the best shape of my life, obviously, got straight A's, so much so that Boston University gave me this really fancy award for being a distinguished academic. And then in my sophomore year, I got this one professor who would not give me anything other than a C, a, c. You might as well have given me the death sentence. Seriously, that is how horrible a C was. Why? Because my identity was wrapped around my accomplishments. A C meant failure and I thought there's no way. There's no way. I'll figure this out. I will write and get better, and he will surely give me at least an A minus, which is also a little unpalatable, but it's better than a C.

Speaker 1: 8:53

No, it didn't matter what I did, and so I got really desperate and it was the one and only time in my life that I plagiarized. And when I got that paper back, there was a big red zero at the top and a see me after class and a giant pit in my stomach. And he said you know, I was wondering why this paper was so much better than all your other writing. And I realized it's because you copied someone else. Now I wish I remembered his name because I'm a best-selling author today. Lord knows, I did not plagiarize the stories of my own life, but still, he said your fate is in the hands of the academic committee. And within a few months I went in for my sentencing and I got an 18-month suspension. 18-month suspension. So if you do the math, that meant that I would come back to school as a junior first semester while all my friends were about to graduate.

Speaker 1: 10:05

The level of shame was unbearable. Why did this happen. I had to be perfect. I thought that's where it was at. I thought that if you loved me and I was smart enough that I was worth something, the C was a death sentence and I did anything. I could not to die. Now you would think a lesson like that would have me leaning in to tolerating failure. It would be several more years before I did that.

Speaker 1: 10:49

So then what happened is I moved back to New York City and I was like watch out world, I'm going to be a star. This is what I've always wanted to do, anyway, told you mom. And what is a good young girl who's trying to be a star in New York City do? She gets a job as a bartender and, sure enough, within no time I'm drinking, snorting lines of cocaine, lather, rinse, repeat. And all the while I didn't fully give up school because, as I was trying to audition and getting rejected and being unable to tolerate failure, school was still so safe and I had my mom's words in my head Get your degree, nobody can take it from you. And, by the way, the only person you can count on is yourself, and there's no such thing as God. So on the evening of getting accepted into a doctoral program, because that's how good I was at straddling the tension of these two worlds unrelenting anxiety and perfectionism. But I'm going to pull it all off. Watch me be a star and get my degree and even get into this fancy doctoral program. I overdosed on cocaine that night.

Speaker 1: 12:01

Now I wasn't doing drugs and alcohol perfectly anymore. It was very, very obvious I was losing control. But it wasn't obvious that I was losing control of things outside of me other than drugs and alcohol. Surely I could control people, places, things and situations for the rest of my life and be fine. It did spook me enough to get me into the rooms of AA, but it would be a long time before I really sat in those rooms and thought I belong here. What did I run on? Perfectionism, okay, I have a little drug and alcohol problem, clear. But I'm about to be a doctor. For God's sakes, I don't need this whole 12-step thing. I definitely don't need God. Look at what I'm able to do under my own volition. So I get my degree.

Speaker 1: 13:04

I eventually go back to the rooms because the guy I'm dating caught me with a prescription pill bottle and looked at me with such disdain and I was like he's going to leave me if I don't get my shit together. So I went back, but not for me. I went back for him because this thing outside of me might go away, and then I was nothing and I was no one. So I try to work the steps the best that I can, but I don't know how to get down with God and I really don't feel safe in the framework of the steps. I don't feel safe I didn't know that at the time, but the steps were asking me to unwind my entire identity, that I could control everything and that that was what made me good and whole. So I worked them a little. The guy I was dating he stayed with me, we got engaged, we got married. We moved to LA from New York and I thought we made it it. I'm sober, I didn't die. He's still here.

Speaker 1: 14:12

And then he starts pulling away in every way a person could pull away stops being intimate with me, couldn't look me in the eye, went on business trips all the time, took his, his ring off, left it on the nightstand and I thought what is happening right now? Surely there is something I can say or do to make this man forgive me, because I had cheated so many times in my act of addiction and he stayed, even though he shouldn't have. I know, I know there's something I can say or do that will make him love and forgive me. Again Turns out, perfectionism collapses in matters of the heart. So, no matter what I said, no matter what I did, he recoiled and he pushed back and I was filled with anxiety and self-loathing and rage and I slept on so many people's couches because living with him was unmanageable and I finally moved out officially, signed a lease and hit spiritual rock bottom. Signed a lease and hit spiritual rock bottom, very, very different than physical bottom.

Speaker 1: 15:32

Arguably, my cocaine overdose was a physical bottom. I almost died, for God's sakes, but I wasn't done. I wasn't done relying on these coping mechanisms that have always worked until now. Five years sober, face down in a pit of despair, on a mattress in an unfurnished apartment, in a marital separation, the place where I didn't want to die, but I could no longer go on living the way that I was living, which was trying to death, grip the world around me so that I was okay.

Speaker 1: 16:13

So now, what Pain is amazing because it's a circuit breaker. It wakes us up from a sleeping state. It wakes us up from a sleeping state. It makes us conscious instead of being on autopilot. But then you have to do something different, again and again, and again, if you expect to move the needle of your life in a new direction. I was really fortunate that I knew to drink, and use again was to die. I was really fortunate that I knew to drink, and use again was to die. I was clear on that.

Speaker 1: 16:49

And this woman came into my life and said what if we do the steps on your marriage? Well, you guys know I didn't really care for the 12 steps and I did the best I could with them, but that was interesting to me. What do you mean? Well, you're powerless over your marriage and your husband. You're powerless over that you cheated on him five years ago, that he's still angry, that you guys got married anyway, even though you didn't go to therapy and slow down and heal first. You're powerless over whether or not he's cheating on you and telling you the truth and over the future of the relationship. And when you try to and over the future of the relationship, and when you try to exert power over any of those things that you cannot control, your life becomes unmanageable in the following ways.

Speaker 1: 17:35

Well, I would say that sleeping on people's couches, being in a fit of rage, in a state of anxiety, in a fit of rage, in a state of anxiety, in a state of hopelessness, was pretty unmanageable. I was clear on that. So then, what? Do I have power over Me, my healing, the way I speak to myself. So we go through the steps in this way that actually puts a spotlight on the crisis that I'm in, and all of a sudden, the steps land in my nervous system in a way that feels safe.

Speaker 1: 18:19

Finally, we get to the ninth step and she said have you ever made an amends to yourself? I told you, guys, I'm a recovering perfectionist. At the time, I was just at the beginning of trying to recover from that. Can anyone relate to being type A? Is there a type A in this room, one I call bullshit, okay, okay, I don't know about you type A's, but here I was at 30 years old and this woman's asking me if I've ever made an amends to myself and the answer was no. No, I haven't said it's okay, sam. It's okay that you cheated on your now husband and your marriage is falling apart. It's not your fault. No, everything was my fault. Why? Because then I have the illusion that I can control the outcome, because if it's all my fault, then I can fix it Right. No, what if there is a world that exists where I made terrible choices and I hurt my husband very badly, but that I was actually good inside, that I actually deserved a loving, deeply fulfilling marriage? What if that was true? Well, I had never considered it until she gave me permission.

Speaker 1: 19:57

The radical breakthrough of doing this type of work at this time in my life is that that intuitive voice that was trying to say I think he's cheating on you. This does not make sense. That was completely overridden by the critical voice that said this is what you fucking get for what you did. She became loud. My intuition became louder. The always, always clear, calm, curious and compassionate. And the thing about trusting your highest self is there's nothing perfect about it. It's a gigantic leap of faith into the unknown. Until you start stacking enough wins where you go, damn. When I trust this part of myself, things really get better versus that critical part, that perfect part. This was the beginning of me unwinding my perfectionism, leaning in to uncertainty. And boy it has not been a linear path. I did work it out with my husband and he was cheating on me and I was sure I was going to leave him, but eventually I chose to stay. Tell me the clear pathway Through a five-year extramarital affair. There is none.

Speaker 1: 21:24

Deep guttural sorrow, massive thawing out from resentment and betrayal, one tear at a time as we were healing. We started a family, tried for babies, thought I'd be the poster child for sobriety, a surrendered mother, mother, you guys. The second we were trying for babies, I was holding up the pregnancy stick. Like Is that a positive? Is that a plus sign, ladies, you know, if you know? Like, deeply, trying to control the process, I'm ovulating, let's have sex. I mean, the least sexy thing you've ever seen in your life. Right, these character traits. They rear their ugly heads again and again and again when we're afraid. That's okay.

Speaker 1: 22:17

It happened again when I lost my father, the deepest sorrow of my life. You would think, with all this time sober, all this recovering of perfectionism, that I would try to lean into the grief. But no, no, no, no. I tried to run. I got so skinny, so fit. After my second baby. Everyone said I looked amazing. What was I doing? I was controlling the only thing I could, which was food and body, because the sorrow I felt from losing my dad and the difficulty of our relationship because he was the family enabler, was too much for me at the time. So I tried to outrun grief Newsflash guys, in case you're wondering. It doesn't work, it doesn't work. And then I started to heal and what I now call God, which is the whisper of my intuition, gave me another spiritual test to see if I was truly willing to give up this thing called perfectionism. And it was on March 13th of 2022 when I lost my big sister, jessica man.

Speaker 1: 23:44

In that moment, the thing that was so clear is that I only had a few choices. I could drink and use, but to do that was to die, and I didn't want to die. I could try to run. I could try to run. I could try to control everyone and everything, including myself and my body and my behavior, because that I could be sure of, instead of leaning into the grief head on, or I could be brave beyond measure and confront this pain, having no idea who I was going to become on the other side. Thank God, I chose that. That was three years ago.

Speaker 1: 24:38

On the day she died, I turned to my husband and I said that was three years ago, on the day she died. I turned to my husband and I said I'm writing a book. I'm writing a book. I was running a private practice as a physical therapist. I had everything dialed in, you guys. I was cash-based practitioner. My sales pitch was pretty simple Don't train with your trainer, train with a doctor. Right, I had this movement-based practice. I had steady referrals. I had this movement-based practice, I had steady referrals and I collapsed it all Because I knew I had to write a book, not knowing what the book was even going to be about, not knowing what I was going to do with the rest of my life, honoring the call.

Speaker 1: 25:21

So as I wrote the stories of my life, it became clearer and clearer that the thing that saved mine was when I did the steps in this modern and trauma-informed way in that marital crisis. That's what this book is about. This is not a memoir. This is a movement, this best-kept secret in the rooms of AA that everybody should have these steps in their life. I'm the girl who's bringing them to you and I'm also here to make them current in 2025 with what we now know about psychology, childhood trauma and addiction.

Speaker 1: 26:00

So I wrote and I wrote, and I wrote and I wrote about powerlessness and access to real power, which is the meaning we give the stories of our life. We will always have power over that. How we reconnect to our highest self when the perfect part of us, the controlling part of us, the critical part of us, is trying to slide into the seat of CEO and take over. How to clear resentment and see the ways in which we've contributed to a dynamic that isn't healthy or safe in our lives, so that we cannot blame or shame, but get into pattern recognition. Become more conscious in the next relationship so we can land in it in a way that is meaningful and reciprocal. We can look at our character traits not as defects, as parts of who we are, and see when they become liabilities and how to turn them into assets again. Surrender the things that aren't working.

Speaker 1: 27:18

Step seven make amends, especially to ourselves, because, lord knows, if I hadn't done that work on me, there's no way I would have been able to forgive my husband, who I am happily married to, and our two kids are in that little room across the hall Learning how to take a daily inventory. What happened today? What could have gone better? How did I live in alignment with my ideal self? Were there glimmers of joy and hope, not just triggers? And what are my intentions for tomorrow? And is there a form of meditation and prayer that really resonates with where I am today so I can make this spiritual thing really work for me? Those are the 12 steps you guys Tell me. There isn't a person in this room that can't use them as tools in how you live love, parent and work. Perfectionism was my kryptonite, and everything good, everything magical that has ever happened to me has happened in the messy middle, and I hope you can be brave enough to receive the gift of imperfection.

Speaker 2: 29:14

Thank you. Backing in my head against the wall To meet a crucifix to take me to my knees, whipping my mistakes to jump over the grief. Breaking the circuit, making it worth it. Oh, sick and tired of the voice inside my head Never good enough, it's leaving me for dead. But perfection's just a game of make-believe. Hey, gotta break the pattern, find a new reprieve. Breaking the circuit, making it worth it.

Speaker 2: 30:03

Oh, I am ready To make a change. I am bigger Than my pain. There's no Deep inside. I got Left aside. I can be brave and afraid at the same time. Practice self-compassion, start to calm my mind, taking tiny steps to loving all of me. Trust the process, cause it's gonna set me free. Breaking the circuit, making it worth it. I am ready to make a change. I am bigger than my pain. There's no deep inside. I gotta love the life. Gotta gotta gotta break it or fake it till we make it. Gotta gotta gotta break it. Come on One, two gotta breathe. Come on One, two, three. I am ready to make a change. I am bigger than my pain. There's no deep inside. I got left this life. I am ready to make a change. I am bigger than my pain. There's an awe deep inside. I got left this life.