From Shame To Storytelling Through Faith with Romi Marie

She wrote the book, deleted the files, and almost erased her own voice. Then she found the draft again and decided to publish it anyway, one raw chapter at a time. We sit down with returning guest Romy Marie, identity coach and the writer behind Breathe Mija, to talk about what it really takes to tell the truth when your story includes addiction, shame, sexual survival, and a lifelong search to be loved.

Romy opens up about stepping off social media, rebuilding after a marriage ends, navigating her father’s relapse, and trying to keep life steady as a single mom while her daughter faces a new health scare and they’re forced to move. Instead of polishing the pain into something “marketable,” she chooses creative control and vulnerability by releasing her memoir on Substack, trusting God with the outcome. We also dig into the deeper pattern underneath so many addictions and compulsions: chasing validation from partners, work, sex, substances, and attention when secure love was never modeled.

Along the way, we get painfully honest about the moments when nobody is coming to save you, and the only way through is self-soothing, prayer, and tiny actions that rebuild identity. If you’ve ever felt trapped by secrecy, afraid your past makes you unlovable, or stuck in the in-between of healing, this conversation will meet you there and show you a way forward.

Subscribe, share this with someone who needs permission to heal, and leave a review with the line that hit you hardest.

For more on Romi:

https://substack.com/@romimarie?r=5ld48s&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=stories&shareImageVariant=image

http://madremommy.com

To book a FREE discovery call with Dr. Sam:

https://calendly.com/drharte/free-discovery-call-w-dr-harte

Transcript

Welcome Back And Meet Romy

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back, everybody, to the truth about addiction. I have a returning guest. And much like the first time she came on, this episode is no less vulnerable. And what's really cool is that each time this woman has been on here, she's going through a major pivot in her life. And you, as the audience, get to witness it firsthand. Truly, somebody who's been through so much in real time, how she is navigating it, how she is overcoming it, how she is turning her pain into something purposeful. It is a beautiful thing to witness. And I feel really fortunate in my own healing that I am in a position to create a safe space for people who are precisely in that place. Romeo Marie is an identity coach, certified ITC life coach, writer of Breathe Miha on Substack, mother, and woman of faith. She works as a public speaker, makeup artist, and hair industry professional, but her true calling is empowering women, creating safe spaces, sharing her story, and offering her testimony to inspire others. She's been a public figure for over two decades, including three seasons on the Real L word. You can follow her journey and her book by following a link in the show notes, madreamami.com. Don't worry, we will have everything you need for now. Just sit back and witness somebody's exquisite vulnerability. And this woman has become such a fast friend in less than a year. And our friendship actually started by doing the first podcast interview. That was literally our first conversation. And it says so much because we were texting from a mutual friend who introduced us furiously. And I just said to her, Do you want to just come on my podcast and have that be the first real conversation? And not everybody would say yes to something like that. But she was like, Yeah. It was just this feeling of we're gonna cover so much ground that we should probably capture it, and it will probably be worthy of sharing with the intention that there is somebody on the other side of it who we are meant to serve. And so here we are again, Romy Marie. I love you, and I am so excited to collapse time for people and take them from. And if you guys haven't listened to the first interview, go back to the one I just returned. But from that interview, which was sort of this breaking open moment to this moment, they're actually deeply connected and related. And it's so cool that I have anything, though it's so tiny, to do with with this metamorphosis. I feel like you're just your wings have always been on you, but they are spreading. They are spreading, and it is such a sight.

SPEAKER_05 3:38

You have so much to do with this whole transformation. As you said that, I was just thinking like that first conversation was a very fragile space for me in a very different space, but yet, yeah, you're right, the same. And then I flew to LA and was able to speak with you on stage, and that was another conversation, right? That we had um together. And both conversations are like these like bullet points, right? To this last year, because we've had our friendship over the last year. And you and I, though, even though we met with that open conversation on here, you ended up being the person that I like, and I shared that when I was in LA with you, like felt safest calling, right? Felt safest, like reaching out to and breaking down to and being vulnerable with. And we just had that instant, I get you, you get me, like this is safe. And I think, you know, even what we're about to jump into and talk about today, it's I think my whole thing that God has with me, right, is to connect and share with women, right? I just do my coaching, everything I've done, everything you've done, I just feel like we have that energy of like, hey, I got you, you know, I got you. And you and I have had that all year.

SPEAKER_00 4:52

Yeah, and and for the listener who is getting to know me and obviously getting to know Romy, I think what's particularly poignant about all of this is this is not the place from which we came. And so everything that you're hearing, every bright spot, every ounce of healing and tending to our true self has been birthed from unbelievable amounts of pain and and trauma. And that's so much of what the podcast is meant to do. So it was this initial attempt at talking about and dispelling the myths around addiction, and it has broadened into all types of addiction and emotional dysfunction and patterns so that not so that we can dwell, but so that we we can be in a space of pattern recognition and start to interrupt these self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors that are getting in the way of really what God has planned for us and and what we intrinsically know is our destiny. It's just a matter of contacting that again. And so I say all that because to show up for Romy, to be able to have a conversation that we're about to have and make someone feel safe and seen without needing to be seen myself desperately or loved desperately, or getting so enmeshed that I break is a testament to who I have become. Because I was joking with Romy, like a couple years ago, there's no way I would have fully been able to show up this way. I was in the thick of grieving my own sister, and I I threw myself into friendships that did not give back to me, but I was giving to them, and it it broke me. And from my own journey through loss and back, I'm now holding space for other people who are who are face down, who are in it, who are going through something because I know what that is. And and I'll be there again. And I hope I have the same type of lighthouse uh leading the way for me.

SPEAKER_05 7:03

So I think those of us though who have come from this and been selfish, right, through our pain and our addictions and our life, because it is a very selfish space when you sink into that, you know, and the reality of like it's hard to be there for others. And I think once you do start going through your journey and your healing journey and doing the work, like the way we're able to show up for the ones we care about and love outside of ourselves completely changes. The way we show up as a partner, as a mother, as you know what I mean, as a friend, it just changes, right? Like I am such a better friend and person to the people in my life now than I ever was in the past, right? No, and I think that's a testimony to just our growth. Yes. You know, so yesterday when I reached out to you and you were like, I just couldn't have been this kind of friend to you a few years ago. And it's like, yeah, I believe that. And how beautiful that you can today and you can say that, you know. Yes.

Releasing A Memoir On Substack

SPEAKER_00 7:57

And I say all that to kick off where we're going because from where you were in our first talk to today, there could have been a thousand times where I interrupted your own growth, uh-huh, where I chimed right in and gave you all my unsolicited advice, where I shouted from the rooftops, wait, you have a book and you're not releasing it because of that? Because of are you are you fucking I mean the versions of me that were right there that wanted to interject with your path.

SPEAKER_05 8:39

You and everybody in my life, they have to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

And then I and that I didn't, and here you are, right? You you have arrived in God's time, in your own time. Yes, because you know what? You are releasing the book that you wrote that was on your heart that I knew needed to get out into the world, but you weren't ready to share. You are, and by the way, you're doing it in the coolest way. You know, somebody who has now written a book and so badly wanted Simon and Schuster to give her a hundred thousand dollar book deal, and who ended up, you know, getting a hybrid publisher, which by the way has a ton of benefits, but is expensive, yeah, is doing it in this awesome way, which just goes to show you the the world we're in now and the possibilities that we have, right? To not just to self-publish, but to drip out our content in a way that makes people thirsty for more and so intrigued and hanging on to every last word. You have now released two chapters, yeah. Chapters on your Substack account. So we're just gonna dive right in because I have been reading it, and as much as I feel like I've gotten to know you, it's a completely different getting to know young Romy. And first of all, how congratulations. Thank you. First, spiritually, on getting to this place where you are feeling like no matter what the ramifications, if that's even real and it's even a thing, no matter what anyone says, this is what is true for me. This is me honoring my most authentic self, which is what healing from anything hard is. So, congratulations spiritually on arriving at a place where you're like, I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_05 10:39

Yeah, you know, it's funny because even my mom, who that's definitely gonna be the hardest person through this book, truthfully, that everyone else that's in it or thinks they're in it, or you know, connects to some part of my story. It's gonna be my mom and my journey even through this, to be honest. It's it's a big part of her and I. And I want to be really clear. She even said to me as we had a big conversation, you know, she really wanted me to put this out there like you. And she was heartbroken that I didn't. And she had a hard time this year watching me dim my light and kind of shut down. And she, it was hard for her as my mother. It was hard for my friends, it was hard for the people that know me and love me to see me just kind of disappear. But in re in real, like looking back, Sam, did I, was it coming from the healthiest place that I was dimming my light? No, right? We know that it wasn't coming from the healthiest place, but God had a plan. God needed to, God needed to do what he did with me this last year, and I'm very grateful for it. And I think the way I was able to pull back, get off social media, not put myself out there, take a deep breath, learn what I'm learning, I wouldn't have been where I am right now to release it. And so everything is in his plan. And it is, right? And this was this was part of his plan. It's always. But my mom said, there's a lot I didn't know about you. You know, and I was like, yeah, there's gonna be a lot in here, mom, for the person who's been with me through all of this next to me, who you're gonna read this stuff. It's gonna be hard for you to read as my mother, and you're gonna learn about a part of your daughter that you didn't know was happening while everything was happening. You know, and I think a lot of my friends, it's funny because even a friend yesterday was like, you know, she's like, I think you're great. I think you're like the Elizabeth Taylor. And I was like, Yeah, I'm just like the broke Elizabeth Taylor. But she was like, she was like, she was like, I know your life, like I was there for it. I can't wait. And I'm like, so funny because all these people, Sam, were like, oh, I know, I've been there for it. And I'm like, y'all don't know shit. Like you were there for it, but you actually, you're all in for it. You know what you saw, what we were all in and the chaos of it and the experience, but you do not know the stuff I'm about to share. And I can't even believe that I'm sharing it. But I will say this about the book. It took me three years. I started writing and how this started. My best friend Chris, who I've been friends with since I was like 14 years old in high school, he has been the only man in my life who has been a friend and supported me and never shamed me and always just been, he calls me STEM because in the book I went by Stemmer, which was my mother's last name when I was trying to identify as a white child. Um, so he has always called me Stem. And so I would text him and be like, night, and he'd be like, STEM, and he was like, get some journals and write a book. Like just get them, order them. And I remember three years ago I ordered these books off Amazon and I just started writing and I just, you know, started like going through life and life started getting wild, and I'm just writing. And then I had all them, and then I put them into voicing them into a text, right? And to get them into because it's a different world now with technology, right? So I was able to take them from these journals, very raw written journals. And that's what it sounds like when you're reading it, because that's what it was, right? It is that. And so I I put them into text, I saved them due to just things that happened in my relationship and in my world this last year. I was asked to not really share them, right? And so I deleted them. I was like, I called my friend who had them and I was like, get rid of them. And we got got into like a little bit of a fight about it because she was like, You can't not put this out there. I don't want to get rid of them. I don't know what you're doing. And I was like, delete them, you know, and she was like, I don't want to. And thank God they were in the cloud, they were in the computer. Wow. So when I called her, you know, about a month ago and said we got to get the book out, and she was like, We got to go to storage, we got to pull it out of the computer. And I was like, we gotta, we gotta pray that it's on there. And for the love of God, it was all it was all on there. So we are doing Substack, and I love that you said that because I want to say I had a conversation with my my friend Spencer. He's really awesome, also written books like you and has done the whole book route and just where I'm at, you know, in terms of funding a publisher and what I'd get back and who'd have control and how all the conversations were looking. I just went, I'm gonna take the creative control of this and the financial control of this because we have the ability to do that. And so I said, I'm gonna release it on Substack. I'm gonna release a few chapters just to get the reader engaged with what this is. And then as it gets into the part that really does deserve, you know, some like support because this is a lot, I'm gonna ask for subscriptions to finish the book. And then once the book is finally done on Substack, then we can see where it goes from there. And my my heart, God, I left church, was like, I gave you a voice and I gave you a life and I gave you a testimony, Romy, to speak. And you are not, right? And you aren't using it at all. And that I just felt it and I was like, okay, God, like I'm gonna put this out there and whatever you have planned for it. So if the book reaches readers and it does amazing and turns into a book or a series or something like that, then then great. If it doesn't, and just a few women read it and it hits them and reaches them, then that's what it was for, right? And I'm not gonna try to over control this, Sam. I'm not gonna try to overly convince anyone or or or make anyone like I think God has a plan with it. And I I need to surrender that and just be authentic with it and know that like for the first time in my life, like it's mine and I have control over it because so many people have had control over my story and who I am, and the direction that some people told me to go in with it did not sit right. It didn't. And I knew I knew what it would look like if I handed it over to somebody.

When Life Collapses Faith Deepens

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Yep. And I just want to reflect back that just even the you've always been a woman of faith. Yes. In in the time I've known you, very, very strong faith. But what where you are is a real reflection of your doubling down on your relationship with God from even just podcast one to two. And if you guys are listening, you know, this whatever your faith is, whatever you put it in, this is what certainty beyond our trauma and beyond our logical mind sounds like. This is what it sounds like, this is what it feels like, and there is something so unbelievably liberating. And a long, long time ago, I I would have called a faith like this um foolish or blind. And and the truth is it's brave beyond measure to trust in something so deeply, and and I know what that takes, and just I'm just so proud of hearing how you're handling even the release, which can bring up all kinds of fear and uncertainty and make you want to go back to all kinds of control and manipulation and anxiety and planning, and the fact that you're just kind of anchoring your feet on the ground into whatever this is, whatever it's meant to be, as you do it, is just a testament of God working through you, not just being a fixture that you turn to when.

SPEAKER_05 18:22

God put me through a really interesting season, right? And I'll say this just to kind of put this out there in terms of faith. My father, you know, a few months ago, we were trying to help each other out. He relapsed, right, in the midst of living with me. And it was traumatic. I'll just say that. It was a traumatic experience. Um, a lot of betrayal, a lot of lies that comes with addiction, right? And I thought, oh God, this is too like how, not this man, right? Who I love. I love my dad. We're working through it. Um, but please know, right? Please don't have him be somebody who betrays me and my trust, right? And I thought, and it was hard, Sam. I mean, I was struggling. I got a new job, I was struggling, and then um, and then my marriage was coming to an end the following month. And I wasn't able to beg anymore for I'm gonna cry. I wasn't able to beg anymore for somebody to to like love me or see me or not hurt me, right? And so going from my dad now, he's like relapsing and drinking, and then I begging my husband, right, to to show up and love me. And you know this, you know, all this, this last year. And I just went, God, I can't anymore keep sacrificing myself to take care of these people and beg them to show up for me. I rely on you. I love you. We are you are my father, you are my love, you are my home. And my daughter and I have enough. We have enough, we have enough with you. And so that happened the next month. You know, then my daughter was diagnosed with Villargo on her face, a skin condition this last month. I was like, God, I don't know what you're doing. I don't know what you're doing, but like I have never had a stronger faith in my life, right? I have never felt more, I don't know. We are going through it. And I'm in Arizona last two weeks ago, and my landlord and the home I've been in for the last seven years tells me they're selling the house, right? And it's just it is one thing. And I'm trying to work as a single mom and take care of my daughter and take care of her emotionally. And God said, put your book out there. And in the midst of all of this happening right now, I released it. And it's like what you said. It's like, listen, God's telling me to do this, and I'm relying on him, and I'm in my faith, and wherever this is supposed to go. And and I will say this the direction could have been, because I am super strong in my faith, Sam. It could have been, let me put this out there as a book that is catered to like the Christian community. But this book isn't for just the Christian community who already has that faith, right? This book is for the girl like me, like you, like many of us who have seeked for like so much love and validation from like everything out there, whether it's sex or alcohol or drugs or you know hang on one second, unfortunately, someone's here. When we're seeking this validation from everywhere outside of ourselves, it was like the final break, right? It was the final break of just stop. Just stop. You have enough. God will provide. I signed up, you know, I signed for a new home. I don't know how I was going to pay for it. And I literally walked in and was just like, you're going to provide God. You like this is real faith. I don't have any other choice anymore. This is real faith. This isn't like it's you're going to provide. That's I have faith. You're going to provide for me. And I was saying with this book, like, the girls that are responding and the women that are responding are the ones that I wrote it for. Because I want them to go through this dirty, gritty, raw, real, hard, hard to read life with me and see that in the end, what I have learned and what has caused me and created the most incredible peace in my heart, right? Through all of that and the grace and forgiveness that I have and who I can show up in the world today for my daughter and for myself as a woman of faith, as a Christian, as not a slut, not an at, you know, not a drunk, not not any of those titles or identities that I lived with, right? They they are not who I am today. They're a part of me. And they made me. You know, and I think that that's what that's why God said, put this out there, right? That's why he said this is a testimony of like faith. And and faith is for the broken. You know, it's for the it's for the the sinners, it's for the broken people, it's not for just the clean, good, had a great life, and I followed God and I'm good. Like, I mean, it's Good Friday today, so there's some power in that, you know, that like for me in my faith, like Jesus died on that cross for me. And if you read the Bible, he sat with the prostitutes and the women that were married and the women that were divorced, and he he loved them and he created this word that we forget that like we are just as much as disciples and we're children of God. And I think that like this story for those reading it are gonna be like, yeah, we're a 90s kid, we grew up this way, it's it's real, it's raw, we can connect. But the ultimate story is is going to be of of how I got here, you know. And and and this piece that like you take you can take it all, you can take it all from me. You could everyone could hurt me. They can just bring it, you know what I mean? Just bring it because I have a piece right now that I have held on to over this last year with everything I've gone through that's stronger than ever, Sam. With that's just like he has me and he has a plan. He has he has me and he has a plan and I don't want to fake it. I just don't want to, I'm not gonna fake it. I'm not like, oh, I have it all together and it's perfect, you know, and oh, my life is perfectly put together. Follow me, let me coach you because I've figured it all out and I have the answers. No, I am a coach, right? I I do coach women and I don't have it all together, but I do have truth, you know. I do have truth, and I do think I hold space, like you know, much like yourself for other people that have their truth. And I do think it's important that we continue to say, listen, we're all just trying to figure this out, you know. Yeah. And you're not alone.

The Hunger To Be Loved

SPEAKER_00 25:48

Yeah, and there's so many things I could pull out from everything you said. And what I what I want to say first is let's just have a moment of silence for for what we think success is. And I am I am as caught up in this as everybody else is, you know. I and on the one hand, I don't want to feel bad about having big, giant dreams for financial abundance and success. That's that's I believe our birthright and what God wants for us. Amen. The difference is straddling the tension between wanting everything, every single desire that's implanted in me, that's coming from my authentic nature, to light up stages, to sell out stadiums, to reach millions of people. That is a true God-given desire that I'm paying for. And I want to need none of it. So my constant prayer is help me want everything and need nothing. And I say that because yeah, it it's it's it's its own experience to have a conversation with, interview. I've been in all the rooms with all the people who've built fucking multi seven, eight, nine figure brands, okay? And they all have interesting stories. There's a lot of personal development stuff in there and how they've ascended to the next level of their destiny. It's fascinating. But let's actually, for a second, just let the idea of success on the outside of us be buried in the ground. Because actual success, the success that means anything at all in the scheme of our lives when we get to the end, is the kind that we are talking about. The kind that you are sitting in right now, the kind that we have both achieved and achieved a thousand times from having a thousand soul deaths and having to come back to life again, which is the kind that is not contingent on anything external to us to make us okay in the world. Period, full stop, end of story. Yes. So both you and I are a wild success story, and there's this there's so much from the two chapters I've already read that I just want to say, right? Because the parts that you broke open on today so far were the moments around love and wanting so badly to be loved and be seen. And isn't that the fucking thing? That's it for all of us, everyone, and everyone, and so this section from the book that captures that, and there's many of them, says, I was not being raised in a home built on real love. It was survival, need, sacrifice, and obsession. I never watched my mom love someone the way she should love someone and be loved back equally. I had never seen that as a child, not once. It made me angry and sad in ways I couldn't yet articulate. I was getting older and I was ready to explode. And so you you take that and you and then we wonder, right? Of course, not in hindsight, but we wonder why we're acting out, we're sexually promiscuous, we're in a raging eating disorder, we're drinking to anesthetize. We feel completely unseen, completely unworthy, and completely incapable of being met where we are. And there's absolutely no modeling of what stable, healthy, secure attachment looks like. And then we get to our 40s, and here we are again. We've put down this thing and that thing. We've been on a faith journey, we've slid back, we've moved forward. And yet, at the very, very heart of all of it, it is this need to be loved. And when we rely on that from outside things, from people, places, things, and situations, we will always, I don't care who you are and where you've come from, be in danger of falling apart at the seams. Yes. And so just bringing that up in your story, reading that, and drawing this rapid line to a moment earlier, you know, where the marriage fell apart and what you were trying to do, the one the one final hurrah of like this this time it'll work.

SPEAKER_05 30:28

You saw me, girl. I mean, I was like, nothing is gonna not make this work. This is gonna be it. I mean, I I've never given something more of me than I did this last year.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

And you know, I learned what were you telling yourself in those moments where you you were really wanting to make it work? If it doesn't work, then what? What did it mean? I didn't you know this.

SPEAKER_05 30:53

I didn't even think there was a if it does it. I was like, there's no if this doesn't. Like I'm in this, this is it. No matter what, I'm in this. I didn't even, the idea of it not working wasn't even an option because I wanted to show myself and the person I was with that I was capable of a submissive, unconditional type of love, right? And you knew that. Like I needed to show that like I selflessly can love someone with all of me and and love them through all of them. And I do realize this even writing the book and learning more, is I've realized this because I'm like super emotional these days. I think those of us that have been so hurt and needed love so bad and didn't get it. And and the type of person who's been through this type of experience, I think as we get older, we have the ability to love on another level. It's like we love hard. Like I love everyone really hard right now. I am in a very like I even text everyone last night, you know, before of Good Friday, and just was like, I love you. I love you, I love you. And I mean that. Like I love the pe I love people, right? Like I'm I cry a lot, I'm emotional, I have this heavy heart. And I'm like, I think because it just got so hurt and it was so numb and it was so guarded and it was so all over the place for so long. And right now it's so pure. I just have so much love. I have so much love. And I have so much love for my ex. And and I, you know, I pray for him every night, and and I'll pray for him till the day I die. And I I have love because his journey is his journey, you know, and and I can only take control of like the part that I played in it, right? And and deal with where I was at. And I wanted so badly to be seen and loved by a man, you know, and I wanted so badly to believe this was my ending, this was my happy ending. This is the person who's going to love me and see me unconditionally for who I am, and then I will be complete. Everything I've ever wanted will be like done. The story's done. It ends here. Nothing has to go on with me in terms of my work or my career or anything. I don't need to do anything more in my life if this person just loves me for who I am. And that did not work. God was not okay with that being the end because one, it wasn't supposed to come from a man, it wasn't supposed to come from a woman, it wasn't supposed to come from anybody other than do you love yourself enough in me, in God, in yourself, to not dim yourself that much and hide yourself that much, right? Where is the love that we are supposed to have with ourselves? And I did not learn that until, and I'm in the very heart of learning that right now. So by no means am I I'll have a different podcast story writer at, you know, I'm sure in a year from now, because right now I'm just in the how do you love yourself, Romy? It's how how how are you okay and complete shining, being you, and you telling yourself, hey, guess what? I love you unconditionally for all the broken parts that you are, you know, like that's where I'm at right now. And I think, you know, historically I would have been seeking somebody right now to like fix it, you know, and and and be in something quickly after to fix it and make sure I feel loved and make sure, and I don't I don't have that, and I'm not seeking that, and I don't want that. Um because I know that if that is in my cards and maybe it's not, God's gonna bring that to me and I'm not gonna be able to force it. But right now I'm in it, and my relationship right now is with myself and showing up for my daughter who needs me right now. And my relationship is with this book. It has a lot of my heart, and I think in releasing it every week, as scary as it is, Sam. It's a part of me going, Hey, this is you and it's okay, and love yourself and go ahead and share it and let everyone have their opinion because you don't have to be ashamed of it. And it might help somebody else out there who is living in shame of their past with secrets and numbing it out with addictions because they don't believe they could be loved if anyone knew exactly all these things that they did. And I just want to say it's bullshit, right? It's bullshit. All of us girls who went through all of this shit and did all of these things to feel anything was because we wanted to feel seen and loved, period. Like end of story. All of it. Just a bunch of lost girls just trying to like, you know, like find find that, find that. And whether it was work, you know, whether it was money, whether it was sex, whether it was women, whether it was men, whether it was trying to be the most perfect daughter or the per whatever it was, it comes from a place of I need to feel valued. Right. And I learned at a young age, and that's what's in my book, that no one's gonna see me unless I'm crazy. No one's gonna see me unless I'm sick. You know, we talked about that earlier on one of our podcasts, and that's in the book. I think there became an identity that I took on because I didn't know how to be the perfect good kid in a perfect home because I didn't have that. I didn't know how to be the prude, shy little girl, you know, who focused on her grades. I didn't have that. And so I was lost. And I went, well, I'm just gonna be really wild then. And someone's gonna care about that wild girl. And if I'm sick, someone's gonna pay attention and want to take care of me. And that is not a healthy thing for a young girl to take on. And when there's not a lot of healthy people around to recognize or acknowledge or help any of this, you know, it just kept going, Sam. It just kept going and going and going until you know, until bad things happened.

Learning Self Love In Real Time

Self Soothing When Nobody Comes

SPEAKER_00 37:33

Yeah. Uh the tenderness around where you are right now, you know, which is truly in the the full exploration of loving yourself. Yes, I am. She is so beautiful and exquisitely vulnerable and relatable. And I just wanna I wanna go back there for a second because you know, I I know that space so well. And I always think about the people listening who might be in the trenches of that type of space. So those are some of the scariest places when you you just have run out of energy and bandwidth to live in the patterns that kept you alive. You've run out, but you just girl, you said it. You said it, but you don't exactly know where you're going. Yes, you don't exactly know what this whole business of loving yourself authentically fully looks like, and it's not completely embodied, and you're you're trying things on, and so it's this very gross, frightening in-between. It's also exhilarating. But I just want to acknowledge that if it's the first time we make a leap like that into the great unknown, it that's probably the scariest. So you're in a hard place, a horrible place, a tragic place, whatever it is, and you you can't stay there, you don't want to die, but you can't live that way anymore, and you don't know where you're going yet, super scary. And so creating a very clear identity of the person that you're wanting to become, and then taking the tiniest steps in that direction is the beginning of. Once you do that, then you start to gather up a sort of a stack of spiritual evidence of how you got from point A to point B the next time you're face down in a pit of despair, and you go, I can't stay here anymore, it's dangerous for me, but I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know who I am, and I don't know what my message is yet. And I help me, but but oh yeah, I've done this before, it just looked really different. I I have a little bit more faith this time that I'm gonna be all right, and so you have a lot of stacks of spiritual evidence behind you of what you've already overcome, even though this time around it's a little unclear. And you are in action anyway, and this is like the landing of the plane moment, right? That that this business of starting before you're ready, whether it is the book, yeah, conversation, yeah, development journey, the sober journey, the new job, whatever it is, you can only become clear once you have taken the action that will reveal the next thing to do. And so, despite your uncertainty around what exactly this business of loving on yourself as hard as you are right now in this radical way is, despite not knowing what it is, there is a part of you that knows that is what you actually deserve, the highest part of you, the godly part of you that is guiding you to release these chapters anyway. You are doing something in honor of that call, anyway, so you are in action as you are figuring it out, as it is messy, and so the road will become clear. That is so brave. So, from a spiritual lens, like absolute kudos to you for being so brave, and that is exactly what is required to figure out how to love yourself, right? I mean, in those early days when I was in my total pit of despair in my marital crisis, one of the earliest nudges, one was very sweet and seemingly simple on the surface, and one was very deep and tender. The sweet and simple one was girl, you're in an apartment that is completely unfurnished. You signed a six-month lease, your marriage is a wreck. You're gonna have to decorate it. Like you're gonna have to like live here for a while, and you've never even figured out what you like. What colors make you feel good? Maybe just go to a store and look around and just see how you feel when you survey different types of that was like all I could do. It was safe, it was like okay. So I go to this store and I look around and I see this particular color blue, and it just makes me feel good. It makes me feel calm and energized, soot and strong at the same time. And I just thought, okay, I I can feel the difference in my body of what that's doing. So that's an easy one. I'm just gonna honor the call of that easy thing. So all these years later, right? That's the color that's on my book. That's my brand color, that's my business card color. That color is me. It is strong hearted, it is Dr. Heart. And it's a representation of the tiny little step I took in the dark to find my way back into the light. Then came some harder things, right? When I was sobbing uncontrollably and nobody was there. And I was brand new in my relationship to self and God. I mean, I really felt alone in that apartment. And I had no idea how to stop myself from crying and how to calm myself. No idea. 32 years old, Dr. Hart, quote unquote, so accomplished, absolutely broken. And this little voice showed up and said, You haven't really ever soothed yourself in your life. You have relied on others to soothe yourself, and we're not gonna shame ourselves around that right now, but we are gonna acknowledge that we got to try to figure something out, and so if there's no one here and This is who you're hearing, which was just a higher part of me. If all if all it is is me and you, kid, then what I want you to do right now is wrap your arms around yourself as you cry. And if that's how you fall asleep, then that's okay. And I I felt so uncomfortable at that suggestion that I I I was shit out of luck and shit out of options. And so I literally, I was on a mattress, I did not have a bed yet, I did not have a bed frame, I did not have any furniture. I was on a mattress, staring up at the loft ceiling, sobbing, and I turned onto my right side and I wrapped my arms around myself, sobbing until I fell asleep. I took action in the dark just so the lights came on, and that is what you are doing, and that is what we must do to make a start.

Motherhood Identity And Breaking Cycles

SPEAKER_05 44:53

I just want to say you're you're sharing this, and I love it because right when I found out about my dad a few months ago, I was in Arizona for work and I was in a hotel room, and I called my mom the next day to tell her it was very similar, and it was a really hard day. I was trying to like put my act together for this new job and you know show it for my clients. I'm trying to, you know, but I'm like inside dying with what's happening with my family, and you know, my marriage isn't doing real well. And I am just like trying to hold it together. And I'm sure many can relate to this, right? Because that's life. And I remember that night I felt spiritual warfare. Like, and I truly mean I sp I felt something took over me that night in the hotel room. And I knew I couldn't call the person that I was with, that they were not going to show up for me. I knew that. And so I I knew better, at least at this point, not to call to seek comfort because I wasn't gonna get it. And my mom was sleeping and I felt scared. I felt Satan, I felt evil, I felt dark thoughts. I felt it heavy. I cried the loudest and the hardest. I have cried probably in my entire life in that hotel room. I ended up on my knees, legitimately praying and rebuking Satan, whatever was happening to me. But I mean when I say I didn't call anyone, I didn't text anyone, I screamed and cried and got on my knees and I prayed. I will never forget that night in the hotel room, and I put myself to bed, hugging my Bible, just praying that I could wake up. You know, and I got up and I went to work, you know, and I flew home and I mommed it, and I just keep doing it every day. But that night, Sam, was that moment of no one is coming to fucking save you, honey. You're gonna need to soothe yourself with God tonight. You and God are gonna need to hash this out. Just the two of you, like raw dog, nothing, no vices, nobody is gonna make you feel better at all. And it was the hardest night, one of the hardest nights I've ever been through in my life. I will never forget it. And since then, I'm like, uh, yeah, it's that moment. And if you don't have that moment, if you're somebody who has seeked vices and people and love and relationships and and uh substances to help you, unless you get to a place where you are on your knees by yourself, soothing yourself with you know, with your faith or whatever that may like be spiritually, you I don't know, I don't know that I could be where I am right now, right, without having that break, or you be where you are right now without having that break, and taking that step to say, okay, this is my color, this makes me feel good, right? And me, you know, turning everything that's going on right now. It it has to get that bad, right? To to go up and it's that bad. And in and in the midst of how bad it is, it's really beautiful, you know. And it was interesting because this morning I was thinking, you know, it's just the last few days and and weeks releasing it and being with my daughter Sam. And for any mom out there, like, I wake up happy and hopeful. I blast my worship music. We are laughing, we're goofy, we're falling asleep next to each other. She's dealing with this skin condition and her fears. I'm holding space for her, you know. And she asked me the other night in tears, like, what do I do if it gets bad or if somebody says something about me or something, you know, my heart's just breaking. And I had an honest conversation with her as I'm releasing the book. And I said, Baby, mommy has had a lot of people say a lot of bad things about her, you know, but I know who I am, and I know who I am with God. And if there is anything I'm going to teach you that I didn't get as a little girl, it's that you are so loved and so perfect in God's eyes, and you have him. And I want you to rely on her faith, it is beautiful. And and we prayed that night, and she prayed and she said, God, I just pray that you stay close to me. And I thought, if you could get that now, if you could get that now, if you get that concept now, she's not praying to make it go away. She's praying that God just stays close to her. You know, which I'm learning at 44, and my little nine-year-old is already grasping that concept. Then I have done my job. I am successful, I am a winner, you know. I have done something so beautiful and miraculous in my life with this little girl of mine. And we are just happy and smiling, and we're close, and I don't feel beat down, and I don't feel like I'm a piece of shit, you know? And and I get to show up with this love for myself that she gets to experience. And I will say that to anyone. And I talked to a friend the other day who was like, I'm miserable in my marriage, I don't want to be here, I don't know how to leave. And I'm like, leave, leave. Just leave. I'm sorry, I I know I shouldn't say that, but we have one life. One life. And and to see the amount of people caged, locked in, afraid, don't want to leave, hiding, living in lives, living in trauma, trying to pull it together for the house. If there is anything I show my daughter, it is gonna be that this perfectly mess of a beautiful human that I am is fun and light and proud of herself and walking with God. And she gets to experience that right now. We get to dance around the house, we get to be imperfect, we get to have skin conditions and all the things that happen in this life. But we have God. And I couldn't be that for her right now, Sam, if I was still in the relationship that I was in. And so God knew, God knew, like he always does. I'm gonna put you through this, and what's coming is is so good. And and through this book, it allows me to also break down some wall for my little girl. You know, someone asked me on Instagram the other day, like, are you ever gonna let your daughter read this? And it, you know, the answer is, yeah, my daughter's gonna read stuff about me no matter what. We live in a world where she's gonna Google me with her friends one day, and I'm not gonna let the world tell her who her mom is. Amen. Sorry. She's not gonna read some trashy article of some stranger who doesn't know me who decided that I was crazy and had a million marriages, and I'm a mess of a human being, right? Like, you don't get to read that. You're gonna read who your mother is. Yep. And yeah, a lot of it was a mess. You know, and what I hope my daughter, it's called Breathe Mija, which is like one Mija, because that's the Spanish version of, you know, my father was Mexican and would say mija. And I had a lot of identity issues in the book around being a Mexican kid, you know, and so I've always tried to tap into that part of me since my dad passed, and that part of me that I was so ashamed of, I'm so not ashamed of, I'm so proud of, um, which is why my brand has been Madre Romy and it's Breathe Mija. And when I was on the L word, my jewelry line was Casa Pordita. Like it's always been something tied into that part of me because it's a big part of my struggles. And it's in the book of being half Mexican and half white. And so for her, it's, you know, like I want her to see the truth behind how I've dealt with these things and for her to know at the end of the day, it is for her to just say, baby, just take a big deep breath. It's gonna be okay. Like, breathe, daughter.

SPEAKER_04 52:27

And I think I think that that's what God says to me, you know, like just take a deep breath, daughter. Like, I love you.

Shame Dies When We Share

SPEAKER_00 52:42

There's so much I can say, but I think I don't I don't really want to. Um, I just want to reflect back to you because I know we have to wrap. Yeah, that shame thrives in the dark. Yes, we love secrecy. And one of the greatest gifts we could ever do when we've had a hard, messy life is to share it with somebody else and see who we can help.

unknown 53:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:17

Because not only do we free ourselves from the prison of shame, we give people permission to free themselves as well.

SPEAKER_05 53:23

That's exactly what it is, Sam. You nailed it. If this book gives anyone reading it permission, then it did its job.

SPEAKER_00 53:33

Exactly. And that is what I said to myself again and again, in the same way of oh my god, yes, my kids will read this. They will know all of all of it. They will know things about their dad that their dad wishes they that he wouldn't write, that they would they will know all they will know, but they will know not because I was ashamed, but because of what I have learned from the places those decisions took me. And whoever that may help along the way, and to be the lighthouse. And for so long, people like you and I, we we are we we are, and we're the the the tugboat. Let me let me save you while I drown myself. Yes, exactly. We we are now sharing this stuff to be the lighthouse. I I don't I don't have to save you or fix you, but I am here, and I will be a steady, bright, shining light and a strong force in honor of God's will for my life to show you what is possible and to show you the testament of the human spirit. That is why that is the why. So let them talk, let them ask, let them criticize, let them question, let it bring it all up, be afraid, be nervous, be sure, and do it anyway.

SPEAKER_05 54:59

If there was ever a part of me that felt like, you know, no man could ever love somebody with my story, right? No man is gonna love this, right? Me putting myself out there in this way as well is almost going, like, oh, they're definitely not gonna want to touch this, but yet there's this beautiful piece in me that is like the right person is gonna love all of it, and it's all out there. I don't have to hide it, you know. But the right person will love me, and that right person will come from God.

SPEAKER_00 55:35

Oh God, that is such a full body, yes. That is such that is the the truest, and there's been so many true things that you have said in the hour we've had together, but that is that is the truest.

Where To Read And Follow

SPEAKER_05 55:50

Yeah, yeah. So I'm I feel like let let it be out there, let people read it. It just started, it's probably gonna be a few months. Every Wednesday, I'll be releasing it on Substack um in the morning.

SPEAKER_00 56:02

And how can people find it?

SPEAKER_05 56:05

Just to be Yeah, it's well, you know, you can go to my website, which is modreromy.com. It'll be on there. There's a link on there. And then you can find me as Romy Marie on Substack, my Instagram, Romy underscore hair and beauty for all my hair and beauty stuff. And I'm slowly back, Sam. All the things I deleted are slowly coming back. My website was down this year. It's backup, you know. I'm back. Um, baby stepping my way back. Please go and subscribe and get ready to go down this journey with me. And it is going to be a lot, and it's gonna be raw and it's not super polished and edited and put together. And it is my voice and my story and my perspective. I want to say that again. It is my perspective of my life. Anyone that may feel that they're in this or feels that it is a different view of what our life looks like when you're parts of it. This is mine.

unknown 56:56

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 56:57

It's just mine. It's how I felt it, how I viewed it, how I experienced it. So whether that be right or wrong to anyone else, it's I just want to be very clear that it's just coming from my point of view.

SPEAKER_00 57:10

Well, the world is a much better place with you with you in it, and with and with your book in it too. I love you. Thank you. I love you too. Have the best day ever, and I can't wait to keep reading. You got this, you're reading it with me.

SPEAKER_05 57:26

I love you. I love you for giving me was the first podcast I'm doing being back out there. And of course, it would be you, and I've set up some other podcast interviews to start talking about it. But my first one was like you being here for me. So thank you.

SPEAKER_00 57:40

You're so welcome. I love you.

SPEAKER_05 57:42

I love you. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 58:05

Take me to my knees. I'll whip in my state. Jump over the creep. Break it, the turkey. Break it work. I get tired of the voice inside my head. That's what good enough is leaving me for dead. But the fetch is just a game of make believe it. Gotta break the battery, but it's working. That's my day. That's the eye. I can be brave and afraid at the same time. I just don't get that started on my mind. Big and daddy's up to me. The process gun is gonna set me free. Break it, the word is break a day.