MENOMORPHOSIS
A podcast for busy midlifers ready to reclaim their energy, joy, and purpose.
Are you, like me, riding the rollercoaster of midlife and menopause, and eager to get back to living your best life? Are you tired of low energy, a short temper and endless self doubt?
Well, It’s time to stress less and shine more. It’s time ditch the worry, reclaim your mojo and unleash your inner brilliance.
It's never too late to transform, and you’re certainly not too old. And in my opinion, midlife and menopause provide the perfect opportunity to do just that.
Join me each week for uplifting stories and expert insights on how to feel as good as you can and create a joyful, purpose-driven life you truly love.
So when you’re ready, Let the beautiful menomorphosis begin!
MENOMORPHOSIS
Thursday Thoughts - The Relationship You Have With Yourself
This week on Thursday Thoughts, Lucy and I are talking about a topic that impacts every area of your life – the relationship you have with yourself.
Since you spend every second of every day with ‘you’, it makes sense to invest in making that relationship as strong and supportive as possible.
We explore how the way you treat and view yourself directly influences your happiness and fulfillment—whether you're in a relationship or not—and share practical ways we've found helpful to strengthen that connection.
We hope you find something that resonates with you.
Love, Polly & Lucy xx
To find out more about my membership The Inner Space go to: https://www.pollywarren.com/theinnerspace
Email me at: info@pollywarren.com
https://www.pollywarren.com/
https://www.instagram.com/pollywarrencoaching/
Hello and welcome to Thursday Thoughts. Thursday Thoughts what on earth are they? I hear you ask. Well, my friend Lucy and I meet every week over on Instagram to talk all things personal growth, because she is as obsessed with it as I am, and we decided that we might as well put those conversations out as a weekly podcast. So now you can listen to us chat here on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts, and we'll be talking about topics such as spirituality, limiting beliefs, the ego imposter syndrome, gratitude, meditation, confidence and so much more.
Speaker 1:So, if you're ready here, we go morning we are going to be talking about the relationship with yourself, which being the most important relationship, and this, I think, is super it's. It's a kind of a really juicy topic there, because unless we have an amazing relationship ourselves, it kind of affects every single other relationship that we have with everybody else. Really, you know I, how we treat ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, how we go about conducting ourselves in terms of the boundaries we give ourselves.
Speaker 1:All of this has such a massive impact on everything, on everything that we do, on the people that we meet, the relation, other relationships that we build, and I know for one, as I have gone through my life, my relationship with my myself has got so much stronger.
Speaker 1:It was pretty bloody awful at certain points in life, and to the point where I didn't really respect myself. I didn't have any personal boundaries of myself and I felt like I could be walked all over. And you know it, just it, and it makes you miserable and it doesn't give you any sense of joy when you're not treating yourself in a way that you would treat you know, someone who you love yeah so what we're going to talk about, I think, today is, yeah, it's just how important that is and you know how difficult though sometimes it can be to to keep that relationship really solid.
Speaker 1:And maybe we'll discuss also, lucy, some things that we can actually do to help keep that relationship with ourself as strong as possible, because it's more it's like the foundation of it's like, you know, if you're a house, it's like your foundations. When you've got shaky foundations and that relationship yourself is really shaky and you're constantly relying on external validation or other people's opinions are much more important than you, what you are, but what you believe, then when shit hits the fan which it always generally does at some point in your life you're it's almost like those foundations are so shaky, yeah, that you've got nothing to to fall back on, and that's when you really lose yourself, when you become very disconnected with yourself. You don't know how to come back, and I think it's only when you've got those really firm foundations in place, when you are solid with who you are, what your values are, what do you believe in, can you trust yourself to follow through with other things.
Speaker 1:Then you can actually start to when shit does hit the fan. You kind of got those foundations and you're like, okay, it's. You know how can I navigate this in a way which is true to me, because I'm so solid in knowing who I am.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, yeah, I agree with everything you said and you know, like you said, the relationship that we have with ourself is far more important than any other relationship that we have. It's as simple as that. And actually, this is something that I talk about and have talked about quite a lot over the last few years, since I've had a podcast, and obviously, and actually it's going to be interesting to get our different perspectives me being single, you being married with kids, single, you being married with kids Because one thing that I talk about ad nauseum on the podcast and in my membership and just in general, is the fact that we do not get. You know, basically, we have to be able to make ourselves feel good. We have to be able to give ourselves validation. We can't rely on a partner or anyone else to make us feel good. We have, you know, it all starts within and this is, this is generally what you and I talk, you know, speaking to every single week. It all starts within and I, like you, used I mean, I would say that I I have, I used to have a terrible relationship with myself. You know, the negative self-talk was out of control, the way that I treated myself, the way that I talked about myself. You know it's still a work in progress, that is for sure, but I'm so much better these days than I used to be. But I think it's understanding that you know, at the end of the day, we are alone, like it doesn't matter whether you're in a relationship or not, but we are alone, like it doesn't matter whether you're in a relationship or not, but we are the, we are the only person. Well, I don't mean we are alone, but I mean that we are the only person that we are going to be with, and we are with 24, 7, 365, forever.
Speaker 2:So let's make our minds a nice place to live, and I think, actually, this is what, for me, anyway, this is what this really boils down to. It's asking yourself, you know, is my mind a nice place to live in? Like, is it a nice environment? Is my brain a nice environment? And I'm going to use that word that we always come back to on these conversations. But it starts with awareness.
Speaker 2:The first thing we have to do is observe what is going on in our minds, and so many of us don't do this. I never used to do this and you know, in my mind it was just this kind of torrent of abuse basically to myself, just constant negative self-talk, and we all do that and we all will always do that to a greater or lesser extent. But the first thing is to literally just start noticing how you talk to yourself and start noticing whether actually your own mind is a safe place to live and a safe place to land and a nice place to be, because it is where you are 24 7. So what is going on in there, um and it really is so key to it affects, you know, your entire life, it affects all of your other relationships, because ultimately, if you don't have a good relationship with yourself, then you will allow treatment that is not great.
Speaker 2:And actually, you know, going back to the sort of the me being single, when I think back, like I, I mean, don't like I, I mean don't get me wrong, I've had some absolutely lovely boyfriends, but I've also been in relationships where I allowed treatment that I should never have allowed.
Speaker 2:And the reason I allowed it is because at that time my self-worth was just on the fucking floor.
Speaker 2:I didn't have, I hadn't cultivated the self-worth and the sort of self-belief and all of those things that I now have. So when you don't respect yourself and when you don't cultivate a good relationship with yourself and when you're not kind to yourself, what happens then is that you allow other people in your life who also don't treat you the way that they should, and that can really play out, of course, in romantic relationships. One thing I'd love to know from you is because, obviously, I talk about this from a single's perspective, you know, because my podcast and the fact that I'm single but I'd love to know what you think about the fact that you know everything starts from within, and it kind of you know we have to be able to get everything that we need from ourselves, because it doesn't matter whether or whether you're in a relationship. Like, a relationship doesn't protect you against the relationship that you have with yourself. So even when you're in a relationship, you you know it doesn't protect you from everything, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean absolutely because I've heard you talk loads about this in terms from a single perspective, because it is so vital and it is so important from my perspective, coming at it. You know and I've I've had, you know I've been married 20 god.
Speaker 1:I never met since 2001, 24 years but you know I've been in a relationship for longer than that, nearly 30 years, for a very long time and I, you know, I have three children, and so I come at it really more from like a point of view where I, you know, your life is freaking busy and there's always other people to think about, yeah, or other people needing stuff from you. And I think a lot of women who are have kids, uh, or in relationships or not relationships or, but have a lot of people around them in their house, can relate to the fact that actually sometimes it's that it's well. There are many times where it feels virtually impossible that you have a moment to yourself, and so, and you're constantly doing things for everybody else, and I think, particularly in this midlife point, which is often where I'm talking about it from is we are we're known as that sandwich generation where everybody wants a piece of us. You know, you might your parents a little bit older, and it's you know not what you don't want to, but it's.
Speaker 1:You've got lots of other people to think about, other than yourselves. Your kids never stop needing you. You know your. Whatever people are being put, you are being pulled in all directions, and so, for me, when my relationship with myself wasn't particularly good, I just let that. I let everybody else take from me what they needed, and I and I, like many, many other women, at this point in time, was at the bottom of the heap and didn't didn't take care of myself in any sort of you know. I just didn't give myself what I needed, and all I remember craving for so many years was just a bit of time to myself, just some time to myself. So I could actually probably take stock and give myself what I needed, but I never asked for it. I never get up and so I never got it, and that was because I didn't think I was worth it or I didn't know. You know, it was all that obviously reflected on how I thought about myself.
Speaker 1:I didn't feel like I was able to get that support and so I just sold it on. You know, and I think that's what many people do is sort of on not having your own personal needs met, and that is when you start feeling really disconnected. That's what many people do is soldier on not having your own personal needs met, and that is when you start feeling really disconnected. That's when you start constantly seeking the external validation you need somebody else to tell you. You know that you're okay, because you don't possibly believe it from yourself. You know you can't. You don't know where, where that's going to come from. Otherwise, unless someone else is giving you that sort of validation. And as I've gone, you know god, and as I've kind of come out the other side of all of this, I've just realized, you know my god, if I had had those solid, more solid foundations at the beginning and given to give, put some boundaries in place, given myself some time and some space and give myself what I needed to build that relationship with myself, to build up that self-worth, then I would have been able to get the help I really desperately needed. I wouldn't have become so disconnected from myself. And then I'm reflecting that onto everybody else. You know I was bitter, I was irritable all the time, I was horrible, I was horrible to live with, on you know, to everybody, and that was and that really was, because I didn't give myself what I needed.
Speaker 1:So, yes, for every single person, it's the, it's the relationship you're going to spend the longest with, as long as with yeah, so it absolutely has got to be the best possible relationship and it's this stuff we should be taught in school.
Speaker 1:It's like you know, give yourself what you need. You know, give yourself that time and that space to notice and understand what you need. Because I think that's the problem when we're all so freaking busy all the time and we've got, you know, it might you know and it might not be that you've got, um, lots of people coming at you at home. It might be at work, you know, you've got a really flimming, demanding job and you're constantly being pulled in all directions. If you haven't got that relationship and that self-respect to say actually, no, I can't do that, because I've actually got to go home and do something for myself which is going to keep me feeling in a place that I can actually do the job, then you know and I think this is yeah, it's hard because in this today's world but we're, you know, we are expected to be everything to everybody, but actually, first and foremost, you've got to be everything to yourself and um, and put the things in place to support that, obviously.
Speaker 2:Actually, this is making me think of a conversation that I seem to be having more and more lately and hearing more conversations about this, which is the importance of rest, and I think we tend and this is, and this is, you know, certainly to do with the relationship we have with ourself. You know, are we giving ourselves enough time to rest and to just be? And actually I'm, I'm. This is one of one of my things that I'm not very good at. I tend to be sort of go, go, go, go go, and you know, I think we talked about this quite recently, didn't we, didn't we? But you know, sometimes I'll find myself still working because when you, you know what it's like when you're running your own business, it's like there is no, there is no off switch. It's like, for me anyway, it's like seven days a week. I'm constantly thinking about it because it's, and that's great, because I love it, but it does mean that often I'll find myself still working at like 8, 8, 30 at night, and I'll be like shit, lucy, you just you've got to just switch off, because that is, you know, and it's again.
Speaker 2:It's that awareness of like what you need and and and actually, one thing that I wanted to pick up on um, about what you were just saying, and actually going back again to this the difference between you and I and that you're in a relationship and I'm single, I always say to my my listeners of the podcast and on Instagram is that we have to understand that our happiness comes from within us and we get. We have to learn how to cultivate happiness within ourselves. We all have the capacity to do that. We all have everything we need within ourselves to feel good, and so I'd love to hear your take on this from somebody who's been like you say. You've been in, you've been with Giles for like 30-odd years. That's a freaking long time.
Speaker 2:No-transcript. Again, going back to what I was saying about a relationship doesn't necessarily protect you. Well, is it fair to say that a relationship because this is what I talk about all the time that a relationship doesn't bring you happiness? It has to come from within you, and I know that you've talked about periods in your life where you just you just mentioned them now times when you've been really down and not in a great place, and a relationship doesn't protect you from that, and you have to learn to be able to cultivate those feel good, those feel good emotions within yourself.
Speaker 1:Whether or not you're single, it kind of you know, it matters not absolutely, because you're even though you know I've been in the relationship for so long the relationship itself has been so amazingly supportive at times, but at other times it's also, you know, it needs. You have to work at it. It doesn't it's not always amazing all the time and you, there are periods you have to work at it. But what I have noticed is that when I am at my happiest and when Giles is at his happiest, the relationship works even better. Yeah, you know, and and so, and when I've been miserable or when I haven't been at my happiest and when I haven't had a good relationship with myself, yeah, that's when the challenging time in the relationship has been. So, absolutely the first thing that is most important is that relationship with yourself, and then everything else will tend to fall into place. It's not, it doesn't fix it. It doesn't fix it. Yes, you, you know it is lovely to have someone who's there to support you in those difficult times, but often it's in those difficult times if you're not in a relationship, if you, as I said, you know you haven't got that relationship with yourself. That's often when you lash out to other people and that's when the rocky come. So it's, it really is. And you know, for all your single, wonderful women, I mean, you know, I totally, wholeheartedly agree when you've got your relationship in place with yourself, everything starts to fall into place, because no relationship's gonna fix it for you. Only you can. Only you can fix it for yourself. And that's where I think a lot of people go wrong. They think they're looking outside of themselves constantly. Well, when I get the relationship, or when I get the job, or when I get the new house, or when I find my new car, you know for the fulfillment and for the happiness and all that ultimately is bullshit because you can get all those things. And that you know for the fulfillment and for the happiness and all that ultimately is bullshit because you can get all those things. And that you know. We see it all, we hear it all the time with celebrities or people who kind of suddenly won the lottery or whatever. They get all the things. But if they still haven't got that relationship which nurtures them and fulfills them and makes them happy, it doesn't mean anything. It's we're still. We're still feeling that that that thing is missing.
Speaker 1:And I know part of us is human nature. That you know. We, we want to grow and we always want a little bit more. We always want a little bit more than that. I think, you know, I do believe that is human nature. We, we're always striving for, for more, but actually it's being able to get to a point in your life where it's actually like, oh, you know, I actually really really do like the person I am, and I feel quite solid and I think we're always.
Speaker 1:There's always going to be shakiness to a certain extent, but it's just knowing yourself, it's knowing it's just such a it's. It's so nice, isn't it, when you actually go okay, well, this is me and I'm not going to change me for anybody else, because this is who I am and people either like it or they don't, and and that's, and that's taken me a frick of a long time to get to that point. You know, I mean very recently. Really, if I'm honest, I still wobble now and again, absolutely. Um, maybe you could. We could talk about some other things, then we can do yeah try and help us.
Speaker 1:So you mentioned, you know, awareness is one thing. So what? What? Tell me, tell us what you do or what you have done has really helped well, I tell you one.
Speaker 2:I tell you one thing I would recommend. Actually it's a book that I would recommend, um, and I think I'm sure you've probably read it, polly, it's Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff. Yeah, you don't treat yourself very well, and that that is. That is certainly a book that I would recommend all, all women, read all people, but probably particularly all women. And so, yeah, because, because a lot of the time it's asking ourselves, you know, am I, am I being kind to myself?
Speaker 2:I think you mentioned this earlier on but, and and going back to what I said earlier, like I've always had as so many as I, most of us have, I've always had that negative voice in my head that has always been louder than any other voice. You know, you're not good enough, you're god, you're such a dick. Why do you fuck everything up, like what's wrong with you, like what? What is wrong with you? You know really horrible stuff, and so, and so, yes, the first step absolutely is awareness, and one thing that Kristen Neff talks about is and I love this and it's the one thing that I've really taken from that book that I really do put into action in my life on a regular basis she talks about common humanity and how, like when you fuck up, when you make a mistake, whatever the hell that means. Like when you do something you wish you haven't. Like when you, when you fuck up, when you make a mistake, whatever the hell that means. Like when you do something you wish you haven't, or when you'd cut, you know, when you've done something that was like embarrassing or whatever it is, when you, you know you feel shame or embarrassment or any of those kind of uncomfortable emotions.
Speaker 2:What really really helps is just to say to yourself I'm only human and we all do this, and I'm constantly doing things where I feel like I make a complete twat of myself. And then I and I literally will say to myself Lucy, just let it go, because we all do this. You are only human and everybody mucks up, everybody does things where they look really stupid. Every day, everybody does things that you know to embarrass themselves. So it sounds like such a simple thing and it is such a simple thing, but it really is. I think it really is so important and really is so helpful just to keep reminding yourself that there is nothing wrong with you or different about you. Um, you know, you are just human and whatever it is that you're worrying about, whatever it is that you're feeling bad about you um, you know, you are just human and whatever it is that you're worrying about, whatever it is that you're feeling bad about, you can bet your bottom dollar, that of the eight billion people on this planet. Somebody else will have gone through the exact same thing and will be feeling the exact same way as you are. So it's just reminding yourself of that common humanity that really really helps.
Speaker 2:But again, going back to going back to the, you know the voices in your head. The voices in your head, the negative self-talk. It really is. For me, anyway, it has been a practice and it continues to be a daily practice of recognising when my mind is going off down that road, like, oh, you're such an idiot, what is wrong with you, why can't you, why can't you ever get it right? Why do you always muck everything up? It's it's really recognizing that.
Speaker 2:I think this is this is so much of of you know improving the relationship you have with yourself. You have to start being kind with yourself. You have to start treating yourself like you would, your best friend, and if you're saying something to yourself that you would never say to your best friend, then stop saying it to yourself. And and also, um, it's, I think it's about you know, you you mentioned just now sort of um, you know, not worrying about what other people think, and this is such a big one. Know, not worrying about what other people think, and this is such a big one because, ultimately, we have to be able to learn to, we have to be able to allow ourselves to be our authentic selves. You know, this is, this is what life is about. It is unpeeling all of those layers and just, and you know, revealing the truth of who you actually are like. Who are you truly? Underneath all of these layers, underneath all of these beliefs that have been put upon upon you, you know, underneath all of the societal expectations, who are you really, and it's kind of connecting with that authentic version of you and just letting her goddamn be. And. But, like you were saying just now, you know it is impossible and actually this has really helped me in my sort of journey.
Speaker 2:But it is impossible for everybody to like you, especially when you are, when you are truly leaning into the authentic version of you, when you are really showing up as you, there's going to be people who are like I really don't like that girl. I have no doubt there are plenty of people who will come across my podcast and go I can't, I cannot bear her, I can't, I can't bear her. But there are also people who are going to love you and so it's really accepting and I think this is so key when you, when you just realize that you are never, ever going to be everybody's cup of tea. There are always going to be people who absolutely love you. There is going to always going to be people who really don't like you, and there are always going to be people who are basically indifferent and don't really give a shit about you either way.
Speaker 2:But if you can, just if you can just remind yourself of that and remind yourself that it is okay what? Whoever you are, whatever your authentic self looks like, behaves like whoever, that it is okay. Whoever you are, whatever your authentic self looks like, behaves like whoever that girl is. Just let her be, because, apart from anything else, when you are being true to who you really are, that's when the right people come into your life anyway. And yeah, if you can, just does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Totally, absolutely, absolutely. It's so important. I think for me there was a point when, if you'd asked me if I knew who I truly was, I probably wouldn't have been able to tell you, and I think this is a part, big part, of the problem.
Speaker 1:I think we've become so disconnected from who we truly are when we haven't nurtured that relationship with ourselves, yeah, and so that really, I think is one of the big steps to take. If that's, if that's how you feel it's like it's almost like a rediscovery of who you are, because you kind of get so used to trying to please everybody else and you're like I don't even know who I am anymore. So that's really about you know, remembering who. What were you like when you were a child? That's a really good way. You know what did you love you like when you were a child? That's a really good way.
Speaker 1:You know what did you love, how did you used to be, and really thinking about your values that's always a really good exercise is like what is important to me, really thinking about you know the great way to do this just print off a list of loads of different values and just go through them and some will really pop out at you what, what is really important to me. And, as you said, it's then almost like an unlayering of all the crap that you have built up like layer upon layer, like an onion over time.
Speaker 1:It's a unlayering of that and that is why both you and I love our practices every day of meditation, of breath work, because those practices allow you to do that unlayering yeah, kind of layer by layer and allow you to feel into that process, true, that part of you which is kind of your true essence. You know your soul, whatever you want to call it, but it allows you, when you get quiet, you and this really was a game change for me you you get a sense of who you are again. You feel into, into really and I always say this in my breath sessions you know, into the magic that is you, because we forget about that, we lose that we and that is like the at the purest part, you know the purest part of you building a relationship with that part of you and reminding yourself of that part of you. Because that is when there's no, you know, it really is. There's none of this other crap, of these stories which we attach to ourselves. Um, attached to that part of you. It's just you.
Speaker 1:And the more you can build that relationship with that part of you, without all of the layers of the onion, then the you know the louder that and the sort of more bolder, and the you know more out there that part of you can be and that, for me, has been the utter game changer and it's, and it's kind of reminding myself, I'm not, I'm not. Maybe you know the the loudest, the most extroverty kind of person who you, we all think we might like to be, because that's what we see people, other people being, and they're really popular and it's like, and it's like I've discovered that's not, that's not me, that's not me. So what is me is you know, and only when you feel that and let that shine, that is when you kind of go, oh, that is enough.
Speaker 1:That's just my little spark. That's my little thing I'm bringing to the world.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I've gone quite woo there, but no, oh, my god, I love I love it.
Speaker 2:I love it. And it's so true. You know we are all so unique and I think that's such a you know, such a good point. You know, to remind yourself that you are unique, like I have to remind myself sometimes, like there is nobody else like me in the world. Nobody can say things the way that I say them, nobody can write things the way that I say them, nobody can write things the way that I write them, nobody can do things the way that I do them. And we are all unique, every single one of us. So you know, we've got to lean into that.
Speaker 2:And also, you know, going back to what you were saying about connecting with that part, like higher part of yourself, it's so true we have to remind ourselves and or or we have to understand, if we don't already, that we are souls having a human experience. And you know there is way, way, way more to this world than what we can, you know, see and hear and touch and taste and smell with our five senses. There is so much more that we can't see. And you know we like that sort of ego part of us that tends to rule the frickin show. We're so much more than that. We're more, much more than that. We're more than our identity. We're more than our job. We're more than what's in our bank account. We're more than the house that we live in or the car that we drive. There is this part of us, this consciousness, this awareness, that is that much bigger part of who we truly, truly are, and that's what I think you were speaking to and how you know where that. That's the part of us, that that you and I connect with in meditation or in breath work. It's getting above the humanness of you and remembering that you are so much more than this body that you're in. You know, whatever she looks like, whatever she does, you're so much more than that there is, there is a whole consciousness that is connected to everything else in this universe.
Speaker 2:Talk about getting freaking woo, but it's true, we're all, we're all connected and so, yeah, it's, it's. It's. It's remembering that you're so much more than the person that you identify with as you go through your day and you go to work, and it's all about the clothes that you're wearing and the job that you're doing and the you know whatever. We're so much more than that. There's just. It's like that is just the tip of the iceberg, and beneath the water is the rest of this iceberg, which is so much bigger than just that little top of the iceberg We've gone over by a minute. Oh my God.
Speaker 1:Right, we could talk about this all day. Um, let's leave it there for today. Thank you for um people who have listened and watched um yeah really good to it. So, yeah, just just take some time to connect with yourself and and just and know yourself, and that's how you build a relationship really, yeah, which is so important. Absolutely have a wonderful lots of love.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you too see you soon take care bye.