MENOMORPHOSIS
A podcast for busy midlifers ready to reclaim their energy, joy, and purpose.
Are you, like me, riding the rollercoaster of midlife and menopause, and eager to get back to living your best life? Are you tired of low energy, a short temper and endless self doubt?
Well, It’s time to stress less and shine more. It’s time ditch the worry, reclaim your mojo and unleash your inner brilliance.
It's never too late to transform, and you’re certainly not too old. And in my opinion, midlife and menopause provide the perfect opportunity to do just that.
Join me each week for uplifting stories and expert insights on how to feel as good as you can and create a joyful, purpose-driven life you truly love.
So when you’re ready, Let the beautiful menomorphosis begin!
MENOMORPHOSIS
#125: What No One Teaches Us About Long-Term Love (Until It's Too Late) with Lisa McFarland
In this episode, I’m joined by the incredible Lisa McFarland — a relationship coach whose honesty, warmth, and deep wisdom will stay with you long after the conversation ends.
Lisa shares her personal journey of navigating challenges in her marriage — a relationship that began when she and her husband were teenagers. As life got busier and their connection frayed, they chose to seek help rather than walk away.
That decision not only transformed their relationship, but it also sparked Lisa’s mission: to remove the shame around relationship struggles and help others build stronger, more conscious partnerships.
Together, we explored so many powerful themes, including:
- Why the quality of your relationships impacts the quality of your life
- The invisible mental load women carry — and how it’s affecting our connection
- How understanding your love languages can shift everything (with partners and kids)
- The quiet build-up of resentment — and what to do about it
- How to reignite intimacy when spontaneous desire isn’t there anymore
- What self-care really means
- How to know if a relationship is repairable — or not
- Why self-awareness is one of the most underrated tools in any relationship
Lisa’s approach is practical, compassionate, and totally free of judgment — just the kind of perspective I wish we were all taught earlier.
If you’re in a relationship, questioning one, or simply curious about how to deepen your sense of connection and self-trust, I know this episode will speak to you.
🔗 Connect with Lisa:
Instagram: @relationshipcoachni
Website: relationshipcoachni.com
Download The Breath Check-Up - your FREE guide to understanding how well you're breathing right now.
Download my energising 5 Minute Morning Practice to get your day started in the best way possible.
To find out more about my membership The Inner Space go to: https://www.pollywarren.com/theinnerspace
Email me at: info@pollywarren.com
https://www.pollywarren.com/
https://www.instagram.com/pollywarrencoaching/
Are you, like me, riding the roller coaster of midlife and menopause and eager to get back to living your best life? Are you tired of low energy, a short temper and endless self-doubt? Well, it's time to stress less and shine more. It's time to ditch the worry, reclaim your mojo and tap back into the incredible woman you already are, because midlife isn't the end of anything. It's the beginning of becoming more you, more grounded, more radiant, more powerful than ever before. Join me each week for real, uplifting conversations to help you feel better, think clearer and live with more joy, purpose and ease. Because it's never too late and you're certainly not too old. So whenever you're ready, let the beautiful metamorphosis begin. Hello, hello and welcome back to metamorphosis. Thanks so much for joining me. So I hope you enjoyed last week's episode, which was all about me sharing one of what I have always perceived as one of my greatest flaws, but actually can now see that it's more of a strength. I must admit that that episode did feel quite vulnerable, but you know it's good to share these things. This week I am very excited because I really loved this episode.
Speaker 1:I'm joined by the brilliant Lisa McFarland. Lisa is a relationship coach who is on a mission to remove the shame and silence around what really happens behind closed doors. Lisa shares her own personal story of navigating challenges in her own marriage. So she has been in a relationship with her husband that began in her teenage years a little bit like me, actually and how that relationship as does all relationships, whether the pressure, all the pressures of busy lives, of miscommunication on my expectations. But instead of giving up, lisa and her husband leaned into support, into education, and that choice for Lisa changed everything.
Speaker 1:So in this conversation we explore a lot. We discuss why quality relationships really do shape the quality of your life and I would go as far as saying also as your health. We also talk a lot about the mental load that us women carry and that how that can really fracture connection with our partners. We talk about the power of love languages, which I loved. We also talk about attachment styles. We've all got our own different attachment styles and what also resentment looks like. I held quite a lot of resentment for quite a lot of the time when my kids were small, which I think is very easy to do when you feel like the load isn't being shared equally.
Speaker 1:We also talk about sex. Yes, we go there. We talk about how to reignite intimacy when that desire isn't spontaneous anymore, and what Lisa really does highlight is how important it is to fill our own cups up first, because that really is one of the most important relationship skills of all. This really was such a warm, refreshing, honest conversation filled with wisdom from Lisa. So, whether you're in a relationship, whether you're questioning your relationship, or even perhaps if you're rebuilding after relationship, I really think you're going to enjoy and take a lot from this conversation. So, without further, please welcome the absolutely brilliant Lisa McFarland. Welcome to Metamorphosis. Lisa, lovely to meet you.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for reaching out. I'm looking forward to it.
Speaker 1:Well, we're going to be talking all about relationships today, because you are a relationship coach. Maybe you could just tell us all a little bit more about what do you do and how did you get into doing this work?
Speaker 2:So about nine years ago my husband and I went through let's just call it a little patch. If I said now, if I said to your listeners, would they know what this means? We were just a bit lost in the weeds. The kids were teenagers, our other business was going through a metamorphosis and it took all our time. My mama had already passed, so we had no support for the kids. We just were not caring for our relationship. It was just becoming bottom of the pile and not intentionally, just life. And so then we started arguing about silly things over and over and over again, and then that created more disconnect and that circle continues. You know, and as I know now, arguing about the same, arguing the same way and arguing about the same thing, expecting a different outcome, is the first sign of insanity. So my couples now I always say to them well, you know, you have a script, don't you? You know you have a script, you have a format that you do, because I did it for 25 years with my husband. So one day I just said, look, we need to go and talk to somebody. I had been to therapy when my mom had passed, so I knew how beneficial it was and I said, look, we need to go and talk to somebody.
Speaker 2:But we were very, very embarrassed. Our pride, shame, guilt. How could we be in this place? You know, we had been together forever, we'd known each other from we were children, we were friends, we'd done all the things, um, so we didn't tell anybody, didn't tell the babysitter, didn't tell anybody, and we went and talked to her three times and I just kept driving home going how have we even got this far? I don't even know how we've got this far. I don't. And he was just like I know, sweetheart. I know we didn't know about love languages. We didn't know about attachment styles. We didn't know about argument styles.
Speaker 2:I had a terrible argument style where I would give my husband the silent treatment if I didn't think an argument went my way, or even a discussion or even an opinion didn't go my way. I would give him the silent treatment. And when she told me that that was emotional abuse and that I couldn't do it anymore, I give her the silent treatment for the rest of the session. That's how emotionally immature I was at 43. Yeah, so then I just kept saying everyone needs to know this stuff. Everyone needs to know this stuff, and he's very good at just letting me blether on. You know, as you know, some things stick, some things don't. And, as the universe would have it, an opportunity came for me to do my life coaching course, did the life coaching course, and then I specialised in relationships and then, during COVID, it just went mad.
Speaker 1:So you've been together with your husband since you were kids, so you've had a really long relationship. How long have you been together?
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm really bad at this 35 years now?
Speaker 1:Wow, that's amazing. And how old are you? Can I ask how old?
Speaker 2:you are now. We got together when we were 18 and we're 53 now. Isn't that right? Isn't that math right? Double check that math, Paula.
Speaker 1:Well, I take your word for it. And isn't that interesting. You managed that long and how cool is that that you had the kind of the foresight to go and see someone and talk to someone and actually get those issues ironed out. Because I, like you, have been with my husband. We met when we were 18. We kind of properly got I mean, you know, we probably got together I suppose three years later after that and we've been together ever since and have a really really fantastic happy relationship, Three kids very similar to you. And yes, there have been definitely been moments like that definitely throughout our marriage, but we've never actually been to see someone and actually what you were just saying I wonder if we had, how they would have probably ironed themselves out much easier. We managed somehow to get through them and, yeah, we're happy to, probably happier than we've ever been in our relationship, but actually actually why go through those struggles when you don't actually have?
Speaker 2:to, and that's kind of my mission, you know. Let's take the shame and guilt away. Let's take the shame and guilt away. We get education in every other walk of life. It would be like trying to be an engineer or trying to be a hairdresser or trying to be a life coach, without you know, without that training we get training in everything else. I always say bring me something that you don't get any education in, even with our children. Polly, if we're having issues with our children, maybe when they're little, and we're having issues getting them potty trained, or we're having issues with temper tantrums, we have no. Well, maybe a little bit of embarrassment. But we'll say to our friends, we'll say to our parents, we'll say we'll read books about it. You know how do I get through this stage with my child? But when it comes to relationships, we just have this innate feeling that we should be able to do this and we should be stoic about this. Why not educate ourselves on how to have a great relationship?
Speaker 1:yeah, because some of those stats which you have quoted are really bloody terrifying. Uh, 70 percent of couples are now breaking up within their first year of being married. 50 percent of men and women commit infidelity in one of their relationships. 20 percent of couples in the uk now think about ending their relationships. And then also, as you said on your brilliant TED talk, that the WHO, the World Health Organization, say that the lack of quality relationships is Lack of quality relationships, I think is causing more deaths than like obesity and smoking or something.
Speaker 1:I mean that is crazy.
Speaker 2:Esther Perel, renowned expert in this field, her famous quote is the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. The World Health Organization have actually looked into this and we know this through COVID, when we were all isolated. We are built for connection and belonging, as Brene Brown always preaches. You know we are built for connection and belonging and when we don't get that connection and belonging or we're getting it in a toxic way, it affects our health. Why are so many women getting autoimmune diseases? Because they are burning themselves out. They're burning the candle at both ends, as my mummy would have said. You know Gawar Mate talks about this all the time. You know what is going on. Women are carrying so much of the mental load now it has changed from my mummy's generation dramatically and we have to talk about all that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely because and then we have them and then we have menopause exactly, would you say, and I mean, I'm interested in your, your take on it, you know. Would you say that women taking on the brunt of household chores, of care for the children, as well as their own careers, is one of the main causes of contention between partners in a relationship, and I'm talking here about a heterosexual relationship. It's a heterosexual relationship because that's what I'm in, but I know that you also do a lot of work with same-sex couples as well.
Speaker 2:I do and, and it doesn't really matter, somebody, just always someone fills the gap. You know there's always somebody filling. So, um, there's sort of, there's just sort of me in ones um, in-laws, big argument point, big argument point. Um, mental load, huge finances. I'm not talking about not enough finances, I'm talking about how to manage them, knowing what's going on, just talking about it is sometimes embarrassing. And talking about sex and intimacy, people have a really hard time about talking about all these things.
Speaker 2:When it comes to the mental load, a lot of women who I coach take on the mental load and what I've observed is we're working, we have a baby, we go back to work, and that's all okay, we can manage that, okay, yeah. And then we have another baby and, oh right, okay. So I meant to manage this now too, and it's almost a little snowball effect, it just. And then one day you wake up and go, no, no, no, too many plates spinning. But your partner has been very used to you spinning all these plates and you've never really complained about it before. So why are you complaining about it now? Um, and it's just that sort of drip, drip, drip. And then I have tons of men in heterosexual relationships and say to their wives let me do it, I can do that, but they don't do it the way the wives do it. The wives partners have a hard time giving it up. Now let me tell you this, paulie I've been with my partner 35 years and I'll be married 30 years in January.
Speaker 2:I cannot watch him make me a cup of tea. He does Wrong, yeah, yeah. But if I go into the other room, a cup of tea appears and it's the most beautiful cup of tea I've ever had. Watching him make toast with butter and marmalade, I am demented, yeah, yeah. Watching him dress, or children when they were little demented, yeah.
Speaker 2:But you know what, at some stage we have to have a little bit, look at ourselves and go. It's not the way I would do it, but the kids are happy. You know, that's like I have had women complain that they don't put the right socks on their toddlers and your toddler doesn't care that the right socks are not on. Or you know, we we absolutely are carrying too much of the mental load. But we have to look at ourselves first before just turning to our partner and going. He should do. Paloma Faith is doing a brilliant. She's doing brilliant talks about this at the minute. You know she's like if you're with a female partner and you see her do the same job every single day, that means that job has to be done every single day. You know. So it's and it's about coming at it like with fun and you know, yes, so heavy that it's like we have to have a conference here, you know yeah, oh gosh, I mean I, yeah, I totally see.
Speaker 1:I mean for me it's like making the bed. I mean my partner, I cannot make the bed, cannot fold it out, there's little things like that, and it's actually, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter. And you know, you saying that, I mean I know too many people who are exactly like that, exhausted, doing too much, but have never allowed their partner to take on the responsibility and actually, and because it's that control, even just give it a go you know, yeah, no, no, I would have to say that my partner's very, very tight, tidy, so I'm sure it dements him when I'm not very tidy.
Speaker 2:But um, ironing, couldn't watch him, iron couldn't work. But you know what I look at shirt and I'm like it's not perfect, but it's grand, like it's grand, you know. So, yeah, there's just, there's areas like that. So, yeah, we need to have a, we just need to have a conversation. The love languages are very good when it comes to the mental load, because the love languages tell us how we want to be loved. So, if our love will I run through?
Speaker 1:the five? Yes, I'd love you to tell me. So what do you mean by love languages? Yeah, if you could explain that.
Speaker 2:Free test. You go online. Just put into Google free love language test. I think 30 odd questions. So a gentleman in America made this numerous years ago and it's just up there for free. So it's not perfect, it's just a tool to get us started talking. But his idea is that there's five main love languages time, touch, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts. Ok, so we do the test. We have our partner do the test as well, and they're fun questions, it's. You know things like would you rather I emptied the dishwasher or brought you flowers? Yeah so the dishwasher is that. Your love language is acts of service. Flourish is gifts? Yeah so. And then, magical thing happens it sends it to your email and you will then get a little chart of what your primary is, what your secondary is. Then you get your partners and it's more important that we know what our partners is. We speak love naturally in our love language. Make sense.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely yeah. Oh, it's so interesting that you say that because actually, before speaking to you, I was thinking, okay, what would be my tips for a really happy, healthy relationship? And one of those I wrote down was little, and I didn't know this about love language was little acts of kindness, if you can and that's what my husband and I are very, very good at is actually, you know, I will drive him to the station in the morning and get up a little bit earlier, because I know that's going to really help his day get off, or he will come and make me a cup of tea.
Speaker 2:I actually really like his tea he'll make me a cup of tea. I like it when it arrives like the watching part part.
Speaker 1:All right, okay, but you know, and so it's just those little things that you can do for each other, which are just those little acts of kindness, so obviously that would be one of ours, probably.
Speaker 2:And what you'll find maybe when you do the test is both of yours might be acts of service. So for my partner and I, our primary is time. So that just happens very naturally for us. Time it just happens. Yeah, we don't have to work at that. Yeah, my secondary is words of affirmation, his secondary is acts of service. So I naturally love him by my words. You, you look gorgeous. That's lovely on you. Oh, that's the love. Thank you for that lovely cup of tea. Yeah, he likes it, but he's like OK, whatever. But if he's doing jobs or he's sitting watching the TV and I bring him a cup of coffee and a little biscuit, you would think I was the Queen of Sheba. Yeah, it speaks love to him and they're doing a lot of research now on.
Speaker 2:Was this something that we didn't get in childhood and we really like it now? Or was it something if we were loved well in childhood? Do we like the same thing over again? I might have a couple and touch is her love language. Yeah, so she wants hugs, she wants kisses, and he might be saying to me oh, my goodness, get her off me. She's so pd was pda, so pda. You know she's so clingy I'm like she's not really her love. Language is touch, you know, and the more you pull away from someone who some language is such, the more they're gonna come after you. That's okay, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just really interesting, and they will change. Mine were definitely acts of service when my children were little, and you know, and time they will definitely change, I believe, and also you can do it with your children from their four years up.
Speaker 1:It saved my life with my teenagers yes, oh, I'm gonna do, I am definitely going to.
Speaker 1:I definitely need to do this with my 15 year old right now, because I'm probably a little bit like wanting to give her the hugs and she's just like, no, don't, just leave me alone. I'm interested on little bit like wanting to give her the hugs and she's just like going, no, don't, just leave me alone. I'm interested on the time one, because is that I presume that's like how much time you spend with one another and you again, or you say that like the average is 35 minutes that couples spend with each other per week, which just seems like absolutely nothing, and and I you can see why a relationship is going to break down if you're just not hanging out and spending time with each other. For me, one of the most important things has been to spend time with each other, to chat, to catch up. Ours has always traditionally been like a Friday evening is to catch up and do and have. Go and have fun together and go and do fun things together.
Speaker 2:I would say phones are a huge problem when it comes. Yes, yeah, so we get the kids to bed and we are sitting. Sometimes my couples are sitting in two different rooms just on their phones. Try to look for something on the tv that you can at least watch together. I know you're still watching a screen, but at least when it's over you're like, oh, that was hilarious, oh that was terrible. There's a connection there, isn't there? I would also tell couples no technology in the bedroom.
Speaker 2:Nothing good happens when you're scrolling on your phone before you go to sleep. It's not good, it's not healthy for us. There's tons of data about that. Now, you know it's not good, it's not good. But time, good quality time, you know there's so many people, especially when our children are little it's. Are you on that one? I'm on this one, can you take that one there? Actually, I'm not even going to say little, I'm going to say like, from nine and 10 up, I mean you now, how did we do that? How did we get her to that ball, him to cricket her to this? How do you how you do it? You know that sort of state couples become very disconnected and it's about saying and they wanted to sit and zone out after they've done all that. But it's about. Your relationship has to come high on the agenda.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that time in particular was probably when we yeah, as a couple, it was probably our trickiest patch, because we were yeah, I mean our kids were doing all sorts and particularly one of our children was he was doing a lot of things every weekend which was causing us to go what to be apart, and so, yeah, you had to really build in time if we were going to spend that time with each other.
Speaker 1:But what we never did which a lot of other couples we know did do, and I think personally I felt this was a better way was if we had had a night out, for example, and we had a late night and we little bit hungover or something the next day, we would always make a pact that we were up together, we were in it together and we would be looking after the kids together. If we were, if we were all at home together and we generally those days, we would always have such a fun day because we were just like kids do. Whatever you know, we're just here, yes, day to day, exactly, whereas a lot of friends we know, a lot of couples I know, would be arguing before the night had even finished about who was going to have the lie in who was going to to get up, and it almost kind of really brought in a lot of resentment into their relationship. I don't know what you think about that it's a really good idea.
Speaker 2:Actually it's a really good idea. Resentment is it's just the killer, it's just, and it's not those big explosive arguments, it's that they were late home. Again, they didn't text text. It's those little chips. And I will say that women tend to hold resentment. In my experience, in my practice, in my experience, women seem to hold resentment. And somebody, a gentleman, told me one time sure, you all remember everything all the time. I'm like, yes, we do all remember everything all the time and it's like yes we do all remember everything all the time, and it's our quality, isn't it?
Speaker 2:It's our quality, we remember. We're like spaghetti bolognese. Everything touches everything. You know, we remember all the kids things. We remember this. I remember laughing. My husband, my son, had a club that he went to every Thursday night at 630. He must've went for 10 years and I think about year nine, I got a text going isn't it 6.30? I went yes, sweetheart, it's 6.30. You know, so we do. We're used to holding all that, so then it does.
Speaker 2:It makes quite sense that we hold a wee bit of resentment too, because you did that before, you did this, where guys tend to be like, okay, that was that done, move on. I often say spaghetti bolognese and mena potato waffles. It was like that's done, move on to the next box, that's done, move on to the next box. You know, yeah, um, so resentment is very, very it is.
Speaker 2:It comes up a lot in my practice. I always say to women if we could just all deal with that, one bowl at a time, one plate at a time, one bowl at a time. Because what happens with resentment is we get into an argument, the adrenaline starts going and now we have 15 things A lady told me one time. She said I sent him a list of eight things that he did that annoyed me. This week I'm like no one's going to take well to'm, like no one's going to take well to that. No one's going to take well to that. And it's been able to do healthy conflict and giving each other a safe place to land. Then we can bring up those little bits when they arrive individually and not let the resentment. But we let the resentment rise because we don't have a safe place to land.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that makes so much sense. So, yeah, that brings us onto your the four Cs. So this is a structure that you have. So we have communication, conflict, connection and confidence. So you mentioned conflict there. So, yeah, so, in terms of helping someone, so you know a lot of people listening to this podcast, most people are in their midlife, they've got the added challenge of menopause going on as well and so, yes, conflict can arise, and I know that when I was in the midst of my perimenopause, which was a while back now, but that I was literally like a pressure cooker. I could have exploded at any time. And actually for me, one of the biggest issues was signs was I needed to really look at myself before actually starting to blame everybody else. But actually at the time it felt so easy just to blame everyone else. Shout at everybody else how does someone if they are in that place? You know how do we try and resolve these conflicts as well as we can.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, I would say that we are just so poor at filling our own cups. Everybody else comes first. I would do a little test with my people and say if 10 was the best you ever felt and one was the worst you've ever felt, tell me your number. Now, if I'm, if someone comes in with a three, there's very little I can do to say you need to fill the relationship cup. They have nothing in their own cup.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or the Americans call it, you know the tank and then ship tank, you know, or the love tank can't cope with that. Anyway. So you know our own cup and we just we've served and served and served our children and loved it. You know, I loved serving my children. I filled my cup driving across Northern Ireland to go and watch netball, you know, and then we just then forget what. Actually, before our children, what did we do? We fill our own cup.
Speaker 2:And before my husband and I went on our journey, I a hundred percent believed that it was his job to complete me fill my cup, charge my battery. He also believed the same thing. He was unable to charge his own battery. She said how do you fill your own cup? You know where's your oxygen mask and he said I don't know where it lives. Yeah, yeah. So we have to figure out where our oxygen mask lives and put it on, fill our own cup. And this was a hard concept for me to get. I think when I was training I actually closed the laptop for about a week and I was like nope, can't do it, Absolutely not. And then the next module was when are you the best partner? When are you the best wife, lover, mother, aunt, sister, child? When your cup is full, when you're sitting at an eight, nine or a ten?
Speaker 1:you're the best, then, so you're actually doing it from a serving heart. Yeah, I mean, it just makes so much sense. The moment that I started to be able to feel well in myself, to feel confident and happy and not codependent on my husband because I think for a long time I really was then everything changed. I was able to take responsibility for my actions, and it just makes life so much easier. It just makes it so much smoother.
Speaker 2:I would have been very guilty of. If my husband had a stressful day or my husband had something going on or my husband was annoyed with the children, I would have been perfectly okay. But if his mood was off then I would join him down there. Yes, and the first thing she said to us when we went to therapy together she goes, what he's doing, and I went, but you know I have to support him. She goes. You can support him by telling him I'm here for you, but you don't have to go down there with him. And I was like never heard it in my life before, never heard such ridiculous information in my life before. Game changer for us, absolute game changer for us. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, that's the whole energy thing, isn't it? You know, if you're, if someone, when someone's energy is really off, you know the worst thing you can do is kind of go and meet them. You actually just need to like hold, hold your brightness and shine your star and then hopefully they'll you know, you'll bring them back up to to your level.
Speaker 2:And I star and then hopefully they'll you know, you'll bring them back up to to your level and I'm I may get in trouble for this one, but it's the mums that set the tone. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, it's the mums that set the tone. Yeah, I remember in some stage of COVID, whatever, we were half in, half out, whatever, and the business was going really well and I was biting off more than I can chew, probably, and I was like I don't think I'm good, I'm deaf. If you ask me right now, I probably say about a four. And my husband was like stop everything, stop everything. I was like what's happening? He goes, what do I need to do? And I was like this is very sweetheart, but I think this is a, this is a me game. I think no, no, but I'm sure there's things I can put in place because we can't have you going down, we can't have the major going down, because if you go down we're all in trouble here yeah, but it's so true, isn't it?
Speaker 1:it's so true, very cute, that's very cute. Um, so we've got conflict. Um, communication kind of speaks for itself. You know, being able to communicate with each other is fundamental, and this is obviously if you're not spending time with each other, you're not communicating. And then we've got the connection. Now I'd love to talk about the connection in terms of sex intimacy, because I think, particularly women at midlife, you know, if you've been with someone for quite a while, that part of your relationship could be the part which is going to go. So you're almost like friends living together, but actually that part of your relationship could be the part which is going to go. So you're almost like friends living together, but actually that part goes. How important is that intimacy and connection part as you get older? It's the glue.
Speaker 2:It's the glue, yeah, and it's maybe not going to look like it did when you were in your 20s and 30s, but it has to be there. It has to be there. Um, a lovely lady. She just calls herself the sex doctor but, um, she talks about, uh, a currency between you, not like money, like a current, like an electric current. We've all seen those couples who have that current. It may not, they're very unlikely to be hanging from the chandeliers five times a week, but they have that current. Yeah, I mean, I think they're telling us now the average and the average amount of sex that people are having are three times a month Brilliant. Three times a month, excellent, carve out time at the weekend.
Speaker 2:I would say the most difficult part is that teenage years, when they're just always everywhere, they're just always everywhere, at least when they're little they go to bed. You know they sleep all night, but at least they're in bed by seven, 30, 80 o'clock. You know, with that teenager they just they're knocking on the door Like, is my kit ready for tomorrow? It's like, yep, when we get that for you now? Now I have to like flip me. You know that that's definitely the most difficult part, I think. And then when they start driving and they're not home and you're like we're trying to go to bed here, blah, blah, blah. So carve out time.
Speaker 2:I would even say to couples you know, lots of people are working for themselves now, are working from home, like can you get a little sneaky Wednesday lunch date, things like that. But it's just about, even if it doesn't happen weekly, that we're being conscious that, oh, there's a week's past. We need to make sure and it might not. What does sex look like? Talk about what sex looks like. Talk about. You know, I don't actually want this, but what I would love is that you know, talk about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's communication. Again, it's for those couples who find it difficult to communicate, particularly about sex. How do you help them to kind of make that first little step towards having a good, healthy conversation?
Speaker 2:and this is so common, so common and it, it, it amuses me, but I I also was that I've had, I didn't have. I came up with a very Christian background so I would have had a hard time talking about sex, or in the morning. My husband would say that was lovely and I'd be like, don't talk about it in the daytime. I was that person. But now when I coach couples, it does. It still does catch me and it is when you actually think about it. It's so silly, isn't it, that we can't talk to our person about a very intimate act and, let's face it, if we're parents, we've made children this way. You know, the best advice I ever heard was talk about it outside the bedroom, don't talk about it when it's happening. You know I don't like that. You know that's a bit off-putting in the moment, yeah, but the next day, you know, it's like I really liked this, that part it was okay about and I really loved that.
Speaker 2:You know, a good thing, a bit to work on, and also I'd like your feedback. Tell me, you know, tell me what we can do. You know, and we want, we want, I want to be planning dates, we want to desire lives in a little bit of mystery. Desire lives in a little bit of distance, you know. So we want to be going on dates. We want to be walking on down to the restaurant and letting our partner get ready and then coming down and sort of like being like hello and we have arrived. You know, we can go out on dates and make up, uh, you know, a scenario of who we are, a new job that we've got or a new name or something, just to keep that little bit of currency alive.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I, my husband and I, go through phases of doing this, of going on a date ongoing, on dates taking intends to to kind of create, you know, do a date, we quite we get, we kind of really kind of get, can get quite secretive about it, and then we have a little surprise. And you know, all of those things are just good, it's just novelty, it's just something different, something different from the same old, same old which we're all used to. Because I think that's the problem when you just get into the same old boring routines and and there's sort of two things.
Speaker 2:So we talk about maintenance sex. So that's the maintenance sex. It's just like do you feel like it? I do feel like it, let's get it on, you know. And then there's the there's the more mystery and excitement, you know. And we also need to talk about spontaneous desire versus responsive desire. You know, at the start of our relationship it's all about spontaneous desire. We've got the hormones flying, we've got all the chemicals going. It's all about spontaneous desire. But then we need to move into responsive desire, and responsive desire is that we're seeing our person doing something, or making the dinner, or talking to somebody, and we're responding well to them. The second part of responsive desire is that you actually feel nothing like having sex, but you've carved out time. You start kissing, hugging, touching and all of a sudden you're like this is not your worst idea, let's give this a go. Yeah, sometimes just takes the mind a little bit of time to catch up, and that, for women, I think, is very, very important.
Speaker 1:I think so and I think, particularly as you're going through menopause, where things can you know your body's changing, things are changing. It's about sometimes just doing it, because actually you kind of afterwards it's always like oh, why haven't we done that more recently?
Speaker 2:I always say we've got like the gym that more recently I always say it's a wee bit like the gym. I don't really know if I've ever felt like going to the gym, apart from having chats with the girls, you know. But it's always good after. Yeah, exactly, and if it's not good after, you need to be talking to your person about why it's not good. After. That's confidence, communication and that's back to I need a safe place to land. I need to be able to say this without a huge reaction. You know, I need just for us both to be curious exactly.
Speaker 1:I think that's it I was going to say actually, what I find often works for me and this isn't really about the sex part, but in terms of if there's a conflict or there's something which I've been really sort of slightly pissed off about, or it's been brewing or it's you know and actually, rather than say something in the moment, where I'm kind of don't really know, haven't really thought it through and I've still got all the emotions, all the feelings bubbling up, actually for me, the best thing to do I've learned is just to take myself away, calm myself down, so all those emotions are sort of out of the picture, and to really just then kind of work out how I'm feeling and what it is that has triggered those feelings, because actually that's what it is. It's kind of really understanding those triggers and then going back to my husband and saying this is what I've, this is how I'm feeling. We talk about.
Speaker 2:So I would talk about. It's almost like a volcano. So our nervous system gets activated and that's the volcano. Yeah, and what we know now is, when that nervous system is activated, we go back to our what we call adapted child. So we're back to like a 13 year old, yeah, um. So what we want to go, we want to do, is settle the nervous system, and we settle the nervous system by not thinking about how annoying our person is, which is hard, but it's possible. Write a shopping list, do some breath work. Write a shopping list as if everybody's house gets cleaned, you know, and you know it's like we need a good argument. So that's how I'm joking, um, but then it's like what am I? What is the fuel? What is the fuel? What are the?
Speaker 2:I feels, I feel let down, I feel disrespected, I feel lonely. I feel let down, I feel disrespected, I feel lonely, I feel undermined and sometimes, when we look at those, I feel words, polly, there could be a bit of woundedness in there. That's our personal work Makes sense. Yes, my husband upsets me and I do exactly what you said and a bit of a bit of sort of being unseen or being undermined comes up. That's a wound for me. Yes, me too. Yes, so there could be a possibility that I may have overreacted or may have wanted to overreact.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so it's really, you know, a big part of this work is knowing ourselves and understanding ourselves and doing our own work, as we said, as we said earlier, because that's going to help your relationship.
Speaker 2:I'll tell you one thing that my second daughter said one time when I started. So we went, I went to life coaching and then, while I was at life coaching, I went to my own coach and did recce and sort of more spiritual journey in that department. But I wasn't working very much at that stage and it was 60 pounds to see her. So talk about my own cup not being full. I would put away 10 pounds a week I remember this is 10 years ago, 10 pounds a week in the back of my purse after I did the Tesco shop, yeah, and I would squirrel that away and I would see her once every six weeks and about four and a half weeks in I was driving our teenagers at that stage teenage girls to school and I could feel myself gripping the steering wheel harder and harder and harder and my Lara said mommy, when are you seeing that lady again? I think it's nearly time.
Speaker 1:Love it, totally noticed. The ripples are amazing of all these things.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I was like, okay, I want to get this to four weeks now, you know.
Speaker 1:So yeah, so, lisa, when someone comes and sees you, sometimes perhaps the relationship might be in such a state of disrepair. How does someone know when it's time to kind of keep working on a relationship versus when actually it might be time to walk away and let it go?
Speaker 2:I'm very, very, very fortunate and I think what I, the message that I put out on the website and on Instagram, is you know, come before the wheels fall off, don't wait till the wheels fall off. So I'm very fortunate, but I definitely would have I don't know. I'm going to say I don't think I've had. I've had men inquire but they've never actually followed it through. But I have women every single week whose partners won't come. So there's your first sign yeah. And then, once we get into it, it's well. No, I don't really know what's happening with the finances. No, actually he doesn't really talk to me. He's sitting on his phone all night and if he is not willing to come or change or do anything, that's not a relationship. Yeah, it's not a relationship. It's roommates, it's lodging. Yeah, yeah, a lot of women, unfortunately, fall in love with potential.
Speaker 2:They'll say to me I knew this is who he was'll say to me I knew this is who he was. I knew I knew this is who he was, but I just hoped that he would. I just hoped that he would. I hoped that he'd grow up. I hoped that he'd stop drinking. I hoped that he'd get more sensible. I just hoped that when the kids came along, he would be. I've also heard this said. The most important decision that you will make is who you marry. I believe the most important decision you make is who you have children with, because they will be in your life forever. Yeah, and if they're not showing the skills before the babies come along? I have not seen it happen that they magically show the skills.
Speaker 1:I like to think we can all change for the better, but then it's very rare that you'll see someone change to fit the person you want them to become in a relationship and everybody can change for a certain length of time.
Speaker 2:For somebody else yeah, so I'm going on holiday, so I would be intending to lose a few pounds, but I'll probably not keep those off. Yeah, people, people give up alcohol. Alcoholics will give up alcohol for six weeks because their daughter's getting married. Yeah, getting married. Yeah, we can change for people, but we will only ever change really, really, really at the core of it, if it benefits us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I could work with a couple and they'll uh-huh, yep, yep, yep, and they'll do it for a while, but it's not. Hasn't come from their core. Yeah, it hasn't come from their core. Yeah, it hasn't come from their core. And I do believe that people can reprogram but change to change a personality at like an actual core. I haven't seen it yet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you have to want to have the change, don't you? It's virtually impossible to make someone change. You just can't do it.
Speaker 2:I often say I'm the extrovert, my husband's the introvert. You know, I hate really those terms, but anyway, um, it would be like me saying to him I'd like you to be an extrovert now and I'm going to turn into an introvert. Can't do it. We can't do those big personality changes. We can change behaviors. We can change behaviors absolutely. If you are a door slammer, we can fix that. If you are like me and get people asylum treatment, we can fix that. But if I'm a liar, I can't. That's a difficult one. If I'm um, unfaithful numerous, numerous, numerous times, that's, that's a. That's a different one.
Speaker 2:If I'm, uh, you know if I would say to people people come to me for dating advice as well. I have no, I have no idea why I'm joking and I'll say do you know what I look at? What is someone like to the waiter staff? What is someone like to, uh, you know, when you're out for drinks? What are they like with your family? All those sort of little telltale signs, like with money, you know all that sort of thing. Yeah, yes, those things, those, those actual core yeah, those core values, those core, that's what.
Speaker 1:That's what you need. It's kind of having compatibility in your core values. I always think in terms of what you recommend for couples to to go away with to try to action. What can you just give us a little insight into some of those little tips to help them improve their relationship?
Speaker 2:yes, exactly because lots of my couples come to me and they're like we're actually really good but we just I'm like or they'll come and say we'd really like to foolproof this I'm like, brilliant, love that. So first, love languages easy, easy peasy. Attachment styles I believe the attachment style test used to be free. I think it could be a few pounds now. The book attached is very good. So we have.
Speaker 2:What we're challenging us is we have three attachment styles, three main ones secure, anxious and avoidant. Okay, what we're talking about today, polly, is going on our journey of becoming secure in ourselves and what we want is to secure people building a relationship. What we tend to get is an anxious and an avoidant, attract each other like moth to a flame. Yeah, yeah, it's about looking at what we are and doing that personal work on what we are. And even when we do the work, I'm a very secure person. My husband's a very secure person.
Speaker 2:When we get triggered, like you were talking about, anxious is where I go and live. Yeah, he was an avoidance, you know, and it's saying I'm getting anxious about this. I want to bring it up, but I'm also anxious if I have to have a safe place to land His go-to would be no sure we don't need to talk about that, don't worry, it'll iron itself out. But he's like okay, I feel all my avoidant tendencies coming up, but I'm sitting here with you, I'm putting the kettle on and da-da-da-da-da, you know. So it's just about words around that. Yeah, yeah, there's an argument style test as well. If you just Google it, it's look different through your life, but it is the glue and you're less annoying to each other when you've had a good orgasm yeah, so true, love that, love that.
Speaker 1:Um, one thing which I, we, my husband, I always do as well to add into that is we always hold hands. We always have done and we've always been hand holders, and a lot of I mean a lot of people find that a bit weird, but I like that, you know, it's like it's just something which people always do, because it's that kind of contact when you're out and it's yeah it's nice, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, as I was saying before, we started, probably my two big girls were home from uni and we were on the couch for numerous nights watching different movies and tv shows, and they kept sitting in the middle of us and I was like now, what's this? What is this now? Because when they would be home before they went to uni, they were just out with their friends or doing their thing. But I was like now, what's going on here? What's happening? Well, sure don't you miss us. And they just plonked down. Last night was the first night we got to sit on the couch together. I was like I missed you. I missed you so much, sweetheart. That's just. You know. Love it loved having him home, but it is nice to get your own wee life back again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly so if, if you could go into a school and there was something you wish those kids were being taught about relationships, what might that be love and accept yourself, know your greatness, find somebody else who loves and accepts themselves and wants to build a beautiful thing, but knowing our enoughness, knowing that we have to learn and have to develop and have to grow and maybe have to do a little bit of reprogramming, but knowing in our core that we are enough.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that. I think that's a really beautiful place to stop. Thank you so much, Lisa. It's been such a joy chatting to you. For anybody who would like to find you or want to work with you, tell everybody where they can go.
Speaker 2:Instagram is. I'm always on Instagram, so it's relationshipcoachingni. The website is relationship coach ni, I believe. Um, you can dm me. Uh, you can email me.
Speaker 1:Um, I have a new podcast which is just a hoot, but yeah, that's the main ways to get in contact with me, yeah, and people can come and either work with you, um, like one-to-one, or you've also got an online course as well, if people are feeling a little bit nervous about coming to as a couple.
Speaker 2:I built the online course for the people who are just like I needed. I know I needed to do. I actually, paul, I built the online course for my husband and I. If, at the very start, if I'd have said to him let's go to therapy, and he had said absolutely no way, which I know he wouldn't. But I could have been like, let's try, let's go to therapy, and he had said absolutely no way, which I know he wouldn't. But I could have been like, let's try this, let's just dabble our toes in here and it's just to get that momentum going, and men will always say you're just not really, you're just not scary at all. I'm like, no, I'm actually quite funny. I'm actually quite funny.
Speaker 1:Amazing, great Well. Thank you so much much, lisa. It's been such a joy and thank you for sharing everything and hopefully anybody who's listening, you know, has got something out of this, so thank you so much thank you, bye, lovely to meet you.
Speaker 1:I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. I think the main overriding message that came out of that conversation for me anyway, was communication. It is so important to communicate with our partners. I do actually remember when I went with my husband before we got married, we had to go and have some sessions with the, with the vicar, and we weren't particularly fond of this vicar, but he did say and I have never forgotten it he gave us. He said I'm going to give you one piece of advice for a happy marriage and he said there are three words. And he said communication, communication, communication. And he was right.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for listening. I really do hope there's something in here which you can really take home and improve your relationship. If you have enjoyed this episode, I'd be super grateful if you could hit those stars rate and subscribe to this podcast and if you have a moment, I'd be super grateful for a review. It really does help and it only literally takes a few seconds. I hope that you have a fantastic week. Please do get in touch. I'm at polywarncoaching on Instagram. Come over and say hi or you can send me an email at info at polywarrencom. That's all for this week. Take lots of care and I will speak to you next time. Lots of love, bye.