The Undetected Narcissist Podcast
Your host, Angela Myer, takes you on a journey toward shifting your perspective from self-doubt, fear, hate, and anger into wisdom, understanding, compassion, and eventually forgiveness, so you can truly heal. Angela wants to support you in discovering and awakening your authentic self.
The Undetected Narcissist Podcast is here to educate, support your recovery, and encourage your empowered transformation following narcissistic abuse. She will shine the light on various topics from attachment styles, trauma, emotional abuse, PTSD, narcissism, toxic relationships, self-care, and dating advice. Angela has a spiritual approach to healing that bypasses religion because it is a relationship one forms with our Creator, not religion. Therefore, she removes the shame that some faiths can focus on when healing from toxic people.
Angela Myer, author of The Undetected Narcissist, has over 20+ years of experience, is an award-winning CCHT, wellness, and narcissistic recovery coach. Angela works with people globally to understand how a narcissist is not born; we create them. If we want to live in a world of peace and cooperation, we need to change the way we parent, treat each other, and stop being trauma ignorant.
The Undetected Narcissist Podcast
The Walls We Build: Dismantling Our Emotional Barriers
What happens when the walls we build to protect ourselves become the very barriers that keep us from living fully? In this deeply moving exploration of emotional fortresses, I take you on a journey through the invisible architecture we construct around our hearts after experiencing trauma, rejection, or betrayal.
These walls—built brick by brick through painful experiences—once kept us safe when the world felt dangerous and unpredictable. For those who've survived narcissistic relationships or childhood trauma, these protective barriers were essential survival tools. But what happens when these same walls begin to block not just pain, but connection, intimacy, and growth?
Drawing from my experience as both a mental health professional and someone who's walked through the darkest valleys of trauma recovery, I share personal stories of dismantling my own walls after devastating betrayal. Through powerful metaphors of castles with high stone walls and gardens enclosed by forgotten fences, I illustrate how we can gently, compassionately begin the process of opening ourselves again—not by tearing everything down at once, but by removing just one stone at a time.
You'll discover practical guidance for recognizing your own walls, understanding when they've stopped serving their purpose, and approaching them with the four essential tools: courage, compassion, forgiveness, and grace. The journey isn't about exposing yourself to further harm, but about discerning when protection has become prison.
For anyone who resonates with thoughts like "I'll never trust again," "I'm better off alone," or "love always ends in pain," this episode offers a heartfelt invitation to consider the possibility of something more. Through guided embodiment practices and affirming meditations, I'll walk alongside you in this sacred work of reclaiming your capacity for connection while honoring the walls that once saved you.
When you're ready to transform protection into presence and fear into freedom, this conversation will meet you exactly where you are—with gentleness, wisdom, and profound understanding of what it means to heal.
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Website: https://www.undetectednarcissist.com
Blog posts: https://undetectednarcissist.com/blog/
Welcome to Season 4 of the Undetected Narcissist Podcast. Your host, angela Meyer, is here to bring you clarity if you are stuck in confusion, self-doubt or feel lost, without a sense of direction. This podcast is extremely different because Angela comes from a place of wisdom, compassion and has been able to forgive the unforgivable. She's a mental health professional, trauma-informed human consciousness guide and empowerment strategist. She knows one can't truly heal and recover when one is stuck in hate, anger and fear. One must rise above it, find meaning, understanding, compassion for oneself and the toxic people within our lives. This season is about self-empowerment, self-realizations and transformation. There is always a blog post supporting this information, so please visit undetectednarcissistcom so get ready to learn about yourself, others and find a way to truly live and thrive. Once again, enjoy the show.
Speaker 2:Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of the Undetected Narcissist. I like to have a little humor here. Okay, I know we talk about serious topics all the time and this one is really important and this one I don't think anyone else is talking about. But today I'm talking about it the walls we build. So I want to talk about the invisible walls we build around ourselves.
Speaker 2:These walls aren't there when we're born. They are constructed slowly, shaped by our life experiences. Each one is a survival mechanism, a way to keep ourselves safe, sane and standing in the face of pain. Some walls are built to keep others out. Others exist to protect our valuable hearts from repeated harm and some, paradoxically, help us tolerate the intolerable. Built in environments where abuse is a daily dose, we learn to endure. Walls serve an essential purpose they keep us safe. They are our first line of defense when the world feels too overwhelming, too painful or too unsafe. But over time, something can happen. We forget. These walls are there. We built them in the past to survive, but now they quietly shape our present and future without our conscious awareness. And make no mistake, our walls influence not just our happiness but our entire reality.
Speaker 2:Dismantling a wall is no small thing it can feel terrifying. Why? Because behind every wall is the unknown. We ask ourselves who would I be without this armor? Will life be safe if I take this down, if I let someone in again, I'm just opening the door to another heartbreak. Can you feel the subtle terror of fear? Can you feel the subtle terror of fear woven through those questions? That fear is natural, it's human. So today I want to walk with you through this landscape of protection and pain. Together we will explore why we build walls, how and when to recognize when they stop serving us, how to recognize the walls you've built and how to dismantle them with courage, compassion, forgiveness and grace. So let's begin the walls we build.
Speaker 2:Why do we build walls? Walls? They're internal, energetic, emotional, are often survival mechanisms. Why we build walls is one protection. We build them in response to trauma, rejection, abandonment, extreme shame, abuse, bullying or betrayal. They become shields that keep pain out. Some walls can be made of bricks, stone, metal, wood or paper. These walls we build can have layers upon layers.
Speaker 2:When we start paring out our walls, entrance and explore the world again, or try to meet new people and explore the world again. Or try to meet new people, some people or our environment can trigger the wall's emergency alarms, pulling you back into fear and building another wall to feel safe and protected again, believing that the world is not a safe place when in reality, there are safe places within and around us. The voice of fear can hold us back or we discover that our environment is still unstable and unhealthy. Another reason why we build walls is control. Our walls help us feel and think that we are managing chaos or uncertainty by narrowing the scope of what we allow in. This is the key point what we allow in. This can also include not allowing the good stuff, because fear, second guessing, yourself beingiggered or another person's opinion can cloud your better judgment. Fear can whisper into your ear and heart and keep someone at a distance, even when this person has zero intention or desire to hurt or harm you. The voice of fear will always hold us back from leaping into courage to try something new or give a person a second chance.
Speaker 2:Another reason why we build these walls is identity. Sometimes our walls become part of who we think we are. These are some thoughts we might believe. I don't trust people. I'm better off alone. Love always ends in pain. I see this often in my practice with clients. Some people do not know who they would be without their walls, because their walls have been a substantial part of their lives growing up. Therefore, there is the fear of the unknown, and accessing the courage to change can be terrifying for some people. So, to avoid the pain, they stay single alone and get a pet. There is a little humor here, but we see it all the time like the jokes about the crazy cat lady.
Speaker 2:In 3D consciousness, these walls are essential tools for navigating the dualistic, often unsafe world. Why we are wired to survive, our bodies need sleep at night. Therefore, a wall is built to bring a sense of comfort, safety and protection from the harsh reality. We walk around with our walls, suspicious of others, suspicious of their intentions or motives. Struggling with the inability to trust others is commonplace, because you know disappointment can linger around any corner. You can become cold, distant, closed off from others, hypervigilant, guarded, depressed and lonely. Life can appear bleak, cruel and hopeless. In 5D consciousness, these same walls become limitations that block intimacy, connection, creativity and divine flow.
Speaker 2:Now I know this was true for me. I had built a massive wall around my heart when it came to marriage and intimacy. It took a great deal of trust, courage, patience and compassion for myself and my future partner. I often had to show myself grace when bumping up against my wall. Self-acceptance, compassion and forgiveness were my saving grace, because I wanted to remove all my walls, but parts of me were skeptical and fearful. Plus, I like to say that we have walls with doors. Sometimes we can step outside our walls and explore the world around us.
Speaker 2:So when I felt comfortable exploring intimate connections again, I would open my door and along the journey, I would ask myself these questions Can I trust, can I truly trust this person? Are their intentions pure or are they trying to love, bomb me again like my ex? Can and will this person respect my boundaries? Is it safe to speak my truth with this person? Am I capable of being vulnerable with this person? Can this person be vulnerable with me? Has this person learned the lessons from their past life experiences and partners? What steps did this person take to recover and heal from their past experiences? Or are they stuck in blame or victim mentality? Am I ready to open up my heart to be loved again? Am I capable of receiving love from another person or am I still too afraid? How does my body respond to this person? Has my body been sending me signals that make me feel safe or give me the ick? If I get the ick, is that the voice of fear talking? Or am I being too judgmental towards this person? Can anyone relate? These are excellent questions for self-discovery and self-reflection.
Speaker 2:I know it is hard to stop and go within. Doing this work is not easy. It is uncomfortable to be stuck at a crossroad because we have many questions that will open or shut the door. These questions must be answered and the only one who can answer them is you. For example, you like someone but your wall pops up out of nowhere like a gopher burrowing underneath the ground during the most intimate and personal moments. It throws you off guard because you do not want to offend the person, but there's your wall and the other person can sense and feel it. For example, let's say they move in for a kiss and immediately your body pulls back. This is your wall saying loud and clear Back off. I'm not ready for this. Can I trust you? You violated my personal space without my permission. How dare you kiss me or try to take advantage of me? I do not kiss on the first date, dude. That is why I say ask permission for a kiss. Stop thinking it is okay to invade a person's personal space without consent. Why do you ask for a kiss? Well, you are letting that wall know your intentions. The wall and the person standing outside the doorway will think this. Thought Should I leave the door open or closed? Thought Should I leave the door open or closed?
Speaker 2:Everyone has their own unique pain story of love, betrayal, sadness, rejection, abandonment, shame, trauma and abuse. That person might not understand your past, because your past is now impacting your present and your future. How do you explain yourself without feeling shame, guilt or remorse? Someone say there's no need for explanations, but there is. The universe and your soul are forcing you to grow and expand. Find and use your voice. If you genuinely have feelings for this new person, tell them up front that you do not kiss on the first date and when you feel the moment is right for both of us, please ask permission first. If they don't respect your boundaries, then they're not the right person for you. Okay, plain and simple. So think of it this way Before you met your narcissistic person, you were most likely in the dark.
Speaker 2:I sure was. I didn't know about gaslighting, projections, stonewalling, lobolamine baiting and all those other games. Therefore, I took their behaviors personally. Once I knew who and what I was dealing with, I realized it had nothing to do with me but them. That is why we must heal before entering another romantic relationship or friendship. We do not want our past and walls to cloud or influence our present and future happiness.
Speaker 2:Before we go further, I want you to remember this truth. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. Our soul does not take sides. It is neutral. It doesn't label things as good or bad, right or wrong. To the soul, every life experience is simply information, an opportunity to either grow or remain stuck. And whether we like it or not, life is our greatest teacher. That is why we are here on earth to learn, and those lessons they never stop.
Speaker 2:But here's the challenge Our humanity resists dismantling the walls. It's the part of us that wants to cling to judgment, certainty and justice. That's what makes it so hard to let go. We want justice. There is this unhealthy desire where we want someone to pay. We want the pain to matter because we matter. If you've read my book, you know why. I sought justice and yet I never got it. I had to make peace with that. It was one of the most brutal truths I've ever had to accept. But once I stopped fighting it and I embraced the soul's view, I understood something deeper. My soul didn't just want peace, it wanted expansion. It wanted me to bring this wisdom to you. I had to dismantle my walls, not just for myself, but for you, so you could one day recognize your own walls and maybe, just maybe, learn how to gently take them down too.
Speaker 2:Now, why and when do our walls stop serving us? Walls become outdated when the conditions that created them no longer exist, but we continue to operate from that old survival pattern. Time and time again, I met people either in a podcast interview or face to face. Everyone complains about their walls. When they become outdated. Each person recognizes their walls, but they do not know how to dismantle them so they can still feel safe and secure with others and the outside world. Our walls begin to cost more than they protect Isolation, disconnection, emotional numbness and spiritual stagnation.
Speaker 2:Now this is what I am talking about. I like to call it the transition phase. I tried dating again and I just felt emotionally numb inside. I like the person, but I could not and would not allow myself to fall in love again. I wanted to feel again so badly, but my heart was not in it. It was so frustrating and it was not fair to use another person, so I stayed single for years until I was ready to let someone into my heart. Our souls also begin to nudge us towards wholeness, vulnerability and expansion, and the walls stand in the way of that evolution. Walls are meant to be temporary scaffoldings, not permanent architecture. When growth calls, what once served becomes a prison. How to recognize your own walls? Encouragement for general self-inquiry. Now, going within can be scary, I get it.
Speaker 2:At some point I was forced to go within myself and look hard at my walls. I was coasting by in life okay, with my walls, but my heart and soul were nudging me to wholeness. After all, I was working with clients on being vulnerable. I needed to start taking my own advice. I might have stayed the same if my soul and heart were not nudging me to change. Most people do.
Speaker 2:Yet I knew in my heart and soul that experience with narcissism had a purpose to serve the greater good of humanity. Therefore, I had to be brave and face my walls individually. I had to ask myself these questions what do I automatically push away? Is it love, support, praise, affection, people, happiness, feedback? Where do I feel stuck or small, no matter how much I try to change externally? Do I have beliefs that sound like absolutes, like I'll never trust again? People always leave. I have to do it all alone. And where do I feel resistance or tightness in my body?
Speaker 2:When specific topics, people or emotions arise, walls often show up as hyper-independence, perfectionism, over-intextualize you just overthink emotional shutdown, feeling threatened in a state of shock or disbelief, feeling a lack of control, shame and the shutdown spiral. Response personal space violations, unresolved childhood traumas, boundaries pushed or disrespected, unstable environment, history of abuse, history of domestic violence, direct and indirect trauma triggers, judgment or spiritual bypassing. My walls forced me to confront the why factor, because each wall had a lesson to teach me, such as setting healthy boundaries. Stop making excuses for people's destructive behaviors and harsh words. Learning to speak my truth. Stop dating takers and start meeting people who give and receive. Start to care less about what other people think about me. Learn to accept and love myself first. Slow down and notice the red flags. Discover the art of listening. Trust your gut and the vibe you get about certain people. Trust your gut and the vibe you get about, certain people stop doubting and start believing in myself again. Know my worth and value. Actions do speak louder than words now.
Speaker 2:How to dismantle walls with courage, compassion, forgiveness and grace. I have said it before and I will repeat it All the tools we need are within 4D human consciousness. That is why Divine Love gave me these tools, wisdom and teachings, not just for me, but for you. The charts are free. Anyone can use them help to discover your 3D set point and how to climb out of the darkness and into the light. I actually put these images on this website for free as well, or you can go to Master the Upper Rooms, but it's posted there.
Speaker 2:Here's the first step. You've got to have courage. Recognize that taking down the walls is an act of sacred bravery. What lessons has each wall taught me that were lacking from the 4D human consciousness chart? Was it self-confidence, self-respect, self-belief, self-acceptance, self-compassion or boundaries? Who do I need to remove the toxic people from my life because they bring me down into the 3D thought patterns and beliefs. When you recognize the lessons behind the wall's purpose, thank it and bless it. It did once serve a positive purpose and gratitude is essential. Affirm it's safe to let love in, or I don't need to protect myself from a wound that's already healed. Begin small. Allow one trusted person, one moment of softness, one tear you didn't wipe away. Remember it's a journey and a slow process, not a race.
Speaker 2:The number two of how to dismantle your walls is compassion. Don't shame the wall. It protected you when nothing else could Thank it and bless it for its service. Before you release it, understand that your wall was once the best choice you could make. So stop beating yourself up when your wall appears unexpectedly. The next part, the third part, is forgiveness and how to dismantle your walls, forgiving the parts of you that believed you weren't safe. If you need to do some inner child healing, do it. Parts therapy and inner child healing are essential because we all have wounded parts within us that still operate within our subconscious mind, impacting our present and future reality. That is why integration and wholeness are essential to healing oneself. Forgive those who contributed to the need for the wall, without condemning the harm. Listen to or read the episode how to Forgive the Unforgivable.
Speaker 2:Forgiveness is the spiritual sledgehammer that softens the mortar between the bricks. The mortar between the bricks and the last one is grace. Grace allows us to surrender control and allow divine timing to lead. This has been my saving grace for over 30 years. Learning to release all control and surrender to an invisible higher power can be terrifying, yet each time I have done so, miracles have happened. Grace holds us when we're too afraid to move and guides us when we're finally ready to open. Learn to call upon grace and divine intervention, ask for their support and guidance. Through grace, we are reminded that healing doesn't need to be perfect. It only needs to be honest. Now I need to be transparent here.
Speaker 2:Many of us believe our own lies. We deny the truth because we are trying to avoid shame, guilt and all those negative thought patterns and emotions stuck in 3D human consciousness. So we avoid it at all cost. Yet when it comes to self-transformation and liberation, we must face our demons, the parts of us stuck in the shadows. Some call it shadow work. So let me share a story, and I should give a trigger warning, because it entails child abuse.
Speaker 2:When I started to do EMDR trauma therapy, I quickly learned that there was a part of me that was scared of me and scared for me to know what happened to us when we were between four and six years of age, all I could see was darkness and these two sad, glowing eyes looking back at me. She had so much shame, guilt, heartache and disbelief. As I peeled away the layers and walls, I got to the main memory that played repeatedly for over 40 years. It was a complete shock to my system, because that is when I saw my death. Yep, I died when I was four and a half years old at the hands of my older brother. It was terrifying and confusing. I thought I was imagining things, but I was not. As the memory unfolded, I learned the who, what, where and why.
Speaker 2:But our creator sent me back because I had a purpose here on earth and it was just a selfish gift that I discovered during a Life Between Lives session, when all the hidden memories were unraveled. It tore me apart. I felt broken inside and could not believe a person we would call a parent or family member could abuse a child in the manner I was abused. That is when everything started to make sense. The cruelty, anger, hatred and abuse I survived were locked away for a good reason, so I could survive, but something inside of me wanted answers and wanted to heal. Deep down inside. I longed to be whole again and this part stuck in the shadows needed me. I could no longer ignore it or lock it back up. I had to be a mature adult, love myself enough to face my painful past, be willing to learn the lessons and purpose for those walls and transform my life for the greater good of the whole of me. There is that saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am a warrior of love because everything I do comes from that place of unconditional love. Now I share the wisdom I have learned with you.
Speaker 2:There's this really cool image that I do have on the blog post that I want to just read what it says Buddhists are not aiming for a heaven. Buddhists do not believe in God as the almighty decider. Buddhists believe that it is your mind that decides everything. So actually in Buddhism, you are your own master, and the whole teachings in Buddhism is really how to master that mastership. That's what Master of the Upper Rooms is all about. Now you know me.
Speaker 2:I'm going to shift gears here and share two metaphor stories about our walls. Here's the first one the castle, the queen and her walls. Once upon a time, a queen ruled a great kingdom. Long ago, enemies stormed her gates, took what was sacred and left her heart shattered. In the aftermath, she ordered the construction of a mighty stone wall around her castle, high, thick and impenetrable. No one could get in. The walls kept her safe, keeping danger out, but it also kept out joy, love, touch and song. Over time. No one could reach her, not the kind villagers, wild roses or starlight. She told herself I am safe, but she was not free. Years passed, the enemies never returned. The world outside changed, but the queen did not.
Speaker 2:She walked her empty halls in silence, believing solitude was strength, until one day she heard a child laughing beyond the wall, free, full of wonder, joy and excitement. The sound stirred something ancient and almost forgotten inside her. The sound stirred something ancient and almost forgotten inside her, something soft, tender and alive, just waiting to be set free again. She climbed the tallest tower and looked down at the stone barriers she had built, and she whispered, not to anyone but herself what if the wall is no longer saving me? What if it's silencing me? With trembling hands and royal courage, she descended from her tower, approached the walls and removed one single stone, just one, but it was enough. A breeze kissed her cheek. The scent of lilacs found her and with it the memory of a time before the fortress, when she had ruled not from fear but from love. She did not tear down the whole wall on one day, but every stone she removed became a prayer one day. But every stone she removed became a prayer, a return and a liberation In a blink of an eye. She remembered she was never meant to live behind the wall. She was meant to rise beyond it. Love that one. Now here's the next one the Garden, the Fence of Forgotten Growth. Here's the next one the Garden, the Fence of Forgotten Growth.
Speaker 2:In a quiet meadow stood a lush, hidden garden. It was once wild and full of wonder, planted by a child who dreamed with stars in her eyes. The garden grew with laughter, secrets whispered to bees and barefoot dances under moonlight. But then came a storm, one of those life storms that tear things apart before you're old enough to understand why. So the child built a fence, not to punish the world but to protect the garden. She told herself. Nothing will harm what I love again. The fence stood firm and for a time it was good. But seasons passed, year after year, the child grew and the world waited. Yet the garden stayed sealed Inside, the various flowers began to wilt from lack of sunlight, the soil dried, the butterflies stopped coming and still the grown woman now walked. The garden path would not open the gate. She had forgotten how.
Speaker 2:One morning she noticed something new. A rebellious and alive vine had crept over the fence, blooming with vibrant gold petals. As she drew closer, she could smell the perfume, scent and the magic within this rebellious vine. She saw the willpower and courage it had within to reach the blue sky above. The garden was trying to expand beyond its boundaries. Instead of slowly withering away, the garden wanted to live. It was tired of being trapped behind this old, outdated fence. All this wisdom and truth flooded her consciousness. She placed her hand on the old gate and felt the ache of time. How much had been lost, not to cruelty but to fear. And then she heard the words rise from within her this fence protected me when I was small, but now it only shrinks what wants to grow. She opened the gate and it creaked like a soul, remembering how to sing. In came the rays of sunlight, as gentle as a feather, the breeze and the scent of fresh flowers came in In divine timing. In came people who knew how to walk gently. Then, as her heart swelled with gratitude, in came laughter hers this time and the gate, oh, the garden, began to breathe again. So I created this closing heart and embodiment practice. We can all do right now.
Speaker 2:Take a moment, wherever you are, to let the stories settle, let the castle, the garden, find their echoes within you. Close your eyes, if you're able, place a hand over your heart, maybe even both. Let yourself ask gently, honestly where have I built walls around myself? Where have I kept out what I no longer, what I now long to let in? Like? What am I keeping out that I long to let in? What Is it time to open the gate, to remove just one stone? No judgment, no rush, just awareness. This is sacred work, brave work.
Speaker 2:Now take in a deep breath, let it fill not just your lungs but the locked rooms inside of you, and as you exhale, release one once ounce of protection. Just release just an ounce of protection you no longer need. Just breathe it out. You don't have to tear down your walls all at once, remember, dear one. You have to meet them with love.
Speaker 2:Your walls, the wall, was built out of love, to protect you and keep you safe. So say thank you, thank you, thank you, as if you were saying goodbye to an old, beloved friend. You part in love, compassion, forgiveness and grace. There is an affirmation to anchor in. If you like, you can repeat this silently out loud, or just listen.
Speaker 2:I honor the walls I built to survive. I choose now to live, not just to protect. With courage and compassion, I let light in Within my heart and soul. I am safe to expand. Now is the time to permit myself to explore my world and environment. It is time I am safe to love. My heart and soul say to me I am free to grow. Final words there is no shame in having built walls. I'm the master of walls and my walls have been my excellent teacher who inspired this blog post and podcast. But there is a profound liberation in realizing you no longer need them. That is why I have created a guided meditation that's going to be called Dismantling the Walls we Build. The style is gentle, heart-opening and trauma-informed. So, whether you're in the tower, at the garden gate or holding the first brick in your hand, you are not alone. You are already healing. You are already healing and love love is already on the other side, waiting for you to open the way until next time and love and light. Angela Meyer, carrie Logan bye.