The Addiction of Intermittent Validation

Trapped in a relationship that hurts you, yet you can't seem to leave? The powerful psychology of intermittent validation might explain why. Angela Meyer delves deep into this hidden mechanism behind trauma bonds, unpacking how sporadic affection and approval create addiction-like attachments in our brains.

Discover why intermittent validation is so dangerously effective - it's the same variable reward system used in gambling and slot machines. When someone provides just enough love to keep you hooked but not enough to feel secure, your brain gets caught in a cycle of craving those unpredictable dopamine hits. This episode explains how this neurological trap works, affecting even those from healthy backgrounds, not just those with childhood trauma.

Angela walks you through the telltale signs you're caught in this cycle: obsessing over good moments while excusing bad ones, constantly trying to earn affection, and feeling devastated by withdrawal. She maps out the typical progression from love bombing to devaluation, showing how victims gradually lose their sense of self. Most importantly, she offers concrete steps to break free, including creating distance, rebuilding identity, and practicing nervous system regulation techniques. Angela emphasizes that real love feels safe and consistent, not addictive or chaotic.

Whether you're currently struggling in a toxic relationship or supporting someone who is, this episode provides crucial insights for recognizing and healing from trauma bonds. Share this episode with anyone who needs to understand why leaving harmful relationships feels impossibly difficult despite knowing something is wrong. Check out Angela's guided meditation "Untangling the Bond" to support your healing journey toward genuine, consistent love.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Season 4
• 1:14 Understanding Intermittent Validation
• 6:29 Anatomy of a Trauma Bond
• 15:44 Narcissistic Trauma Bond Explained
• 18:10 Trauma Dumping vs. Healthy Venting
• 23:57 Breaking Free and Healing Forward

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Season 4 of the Undetected Narcissist Podcast. Your host, angela Meyer, is here to bring you clarity if you are stuck in confusion, self-doubt or feel lost, without a sense of direction. This podcast is extremely different because Angela comes from a place of wisdom, compassion and has been able to forgive the unforgivable. She's a mental health professional, trauma-informed human consciousness guide and empowerment strategist. She knows one can't truly heal and recover when one is stuck in hate, anger and fear. One must rise above it, find meaning, understanding, compassion for oneself and the toxic people within our lives. This season is about self-empowerment, self-realizations and transformation. There is always a blog post supporting this information, so please visit undetectednarcissistcom so get ready to learn about yourself, others and find a way to truly live and thrive. Once again, enjoy the show.

Speaker 2: 1:10

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Undetected Narcissist. Today we will be discussing what is Intermediate Validation. Intermediate Validation is one of the most essential concepts to unpack when it comes to trauma bonds, because it explains why people stay in harmful relationships, even when they know something feels wrong. So today let's break it down simply and clearly so you listeners feel seen, not judged. Question what is intermittent validation? Answer it's the hook that keeps you hoping.

Speaker 2: 1:54

Intermittent validation happens when someone gives you love, attention, affection or approval, but only sometimes and always unpredictable. Intermittent reinforcement is a potent and often manipulative tool for controlling behavior because the brain is wired to chase the potential reward. It creates a pattern that looks like this One they say something kind, giving you affection, or they praise you. You feel high. It's a dopamine high. Two then, without warning, they criticize you, ignore you or withdraw. And then three, when you start to pull away or question the relationship, they suddenly show affection again, making you doubt yourself. This up and down emotional roller coaster creates addiction, not connection. Question how does intermittent validation work? Answer Unpredictable timing, dopamine surge and habit formation. Unlike a predictable system where you always know when the reward will come, intermittent reinforcement delivers reward at random, irregular intervals. Therefore, the uncertainty of the reward keeps the brain engaged and the actual receipt of the reward creates a surge of dopamine.

Speaker 2: 3:33

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This powerful combination of anticipation and dopamine makes the behavior more resistant to extinction and more likely to become a habit yes, a habit. It takes 28 to 30 days to create a new habit pattern, way of thinking, acting and behavior. So over time it gets wired into your nervous system and brain, and this can happen to anyone. It's not just childhood trauma based. So even if you grew up in a loving and supportive home environment, you can still fall into this dangerous trap of control and manipulation, of control and manipulation. Question why is it so powerful and so dangerous? Answer your brain craves patterns.

Speaker 2: 4:40

When love is consistent, it creates safety. When love is unpredictable, it creates obsession. Psychologically, this is called the variable reward system, the same technique used in gambling and in slot machines. You keep pulling the lever, hoping this time you'll win. When someone gives you just enough love to keep you hooked. Love to keep you hooked, but not enough to feel secure it confuses your nervous system. You start chasing their approval, thinking that if you try harder they'll go back to how they were in the beginning.

Speaker 2: 5:17

In relationships, this cycle of intermittent reward and punishments create a strong, unhealthy emotional attachment. This can even lead to abuse, because the victim becomes conditioned to tolerate negative behaviors in hopes of receiving the occasional positive attention. This is the trap. It erodes one's self-esteem and self-worth. It explains why we can believe that we are not good enough, we don't matter, we are unlovable or even unworthy of love. These are all lies and dangerous traps. Therefore, the unpredictability ensures the behavior persists longer than if a reward were given every time, because the subject is constantly motivated by the hope of a future win.

Speaker 2: 6:16

Can you see the unhealthy habit pattern? Did you experience something like this? I did. It can really mess with your head. Signs are caught in an intermittent validation trap. You obsess over the good moments and excuse the bad. You never know where you stand with them. You keep thinking about how great they were at first. You constantly try to earn their attention or affection. You feel addicted to their approval and devastated by their rejection.

Speaker 2: 6:53

The truth behind the pattern love that only shows up sometimes is not real love. It's emotional manipulation. It's emotional manipulation even if it's unconscious. You are not meant to fight for bread cones. You are meant to receive love that is steady, clear, consistent, unconditional, supportive and safe.

Speaker 2: 7:19

Now some people are still confused about what a trauma bond is and how they could have fallen into that trap. I mean, you educated yourself about toxic people, but still keep attracting toxic people into your life. We can notice this pattern in dating, employment and even friendships in person and online. Recycle and repeat. So I want to unpack it briefly.

Speaker 2: 7:47

What is a trauma bond? A trauma bond is a powerful emotional attachment formed through repeated cycles of abuse, neglect and intermittent validation. It's common in relationships where one person is highly manipulative, controlling or emotionally unpredictable and the other person is empathetic, wounded and craving love due to unmet childhood needs. Can you see the two different power dynamics? Trauma bonds don't form because someone is weak. They are formed because your nervous system gets addicted to survival patterns that feel familiar. Being a people pleaser was a survival pattern. There is no shame in that truth. Craving to be loved can feel like an open wound and instead of filling it from within with self-healing and self-care, we can look for someone to fill that void. But there is always a lesson when we expect someone to fill that empty hole. Therefore, even when we have empathy and crave to be loved, if we still have unmet childhood needs and wounds. This unhealthy person is here to teach us a painful lesson for the evolution of our soul. The lesson is to increase your self-worth and self-confidence, set healthy boundaries and cultivate self-respect, because nobody can fill that empty hole. But you Key traits of trauma bonding.

Speaker 2: 9:28

Let's face it. When someone love bombs you, it feels great. When you learn how damaging and destructive it is to one's overall well-being, the fake fireworks are now only red warning signals going off in your head when you're in the dark. Here is the cycle of idealization and devaluation. Stage one love bombing. The toxic and controlling person will love bomb you with intense affection, gifts, positive praise and attention. You soon become the center of their world. You are perfect, their soulmate and they will talk about plans for your happily ever after life together. The cycle continues and you confuse intensity with intimacy. The drama feels passionate and the chaos feels magnetic. You tell yourself this must be real love. Look how strong the emotions are. But real love feels safe, not addictive, when it is a friend or employer. You are a star. Your friend wants to do everything with you and they make you feel special. As an employer, you are perfect and they like to show you off, making you feel valuable and essential to the company.

Speaker 2: 10:53

Stage two devaluing and withdrawal. Then they will suddenly withdraw, leaving many people feeling confused and puzzled. They might start to criticize little things about you, such as the way you dress, your work performance, your eating habits, your friendships and how you spend your time and your money. They will start to distance you from your friends and family members. Late nights at the office, various business meetings or I need you all to myself with guilt trip attention attempts. You might have gotten text messages all the time, little love notes or gifts, and now something out of the blue switched. They are too busy to text you, which makes you feel like they are ignoring you, and they are. They might say that you are now jealous, insecure, need needy and clingy, projecting their old behavior patterns and insecurities upon you to make you question your reality and emotional stability. The script has now flipped, leaving you confused and scratching your head. You start to apologize more often, finding ways to please and appease them to win their affection, approval and admiration back. Now you are in the phase where you will take small scraps of attention, validation and appreciation, hoping the relationship or working status will go back to its former glory.

Speaker 2: 12:25

As this progresses, you feel confused, desperate, insecure, jealous, vulnerable, fragile and begin chasing the highs again. This mimics the reward-punishment cycle of childhood trauma. You make excuses for bad behavior, saying they're just hurting. He didn't mean it. She's been through so much lately he has a short fuse. You justify being mistreated and disrespected because you see their potential, not their patterns. Impacts often fall for the soul they sense underneath the pain and ignore the actual experience of the relationship.

Speaker 2: 13:14

That's key Stage three. You lose your sense of self. During this phase of pure confusion, one can feel isolated but still cannot leave. Maybe the pay is too good to quit, but your boss is highly toxic and abusive. Now, every day, you are worried that you will screw up or get fired. Fired. Then there is your friend. Perhaps your friend knows your darkest secrets and is threatened to expose you. You have distanced yourself, but your friend is the scorekeeper and you are constantly reminded of this fact. You stop telling friends and family members what's really going on because you're embarrassed or ashamed to find yourself in the same situation or facing the same problem repeatedly. Over time, you learn to hide the emotional abuse. Yet deep down, you're ashamed and afraid.

Speaker 2: 14:10

Shame is a key tool in trauma bonding. It keeps you stuck in silence. Because you are constantly walking on eggshells. Your nervous system is continuously dysregulated. Yes, you're walking on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst or silent treatment. Over time, your fight or flight responses are always activated, but you call it being in love. This is a trauma response, not devotion.

Speaker 2: 14:46

Then you get burnt out. You lose your sense of self and you can feel dead inside. The happy smile on your face is gone and you no longer recognize yourself. Everyone around you can sense that something is off about you. You have changed, and not in a good way. Your goals, dreams and opinions have dimmed. It's almost like the light within you has dimmed. It becomes apparent that you are always focused on managing their emotions instead of honoring your own. You can become hypervigilant, paranoid and prone to second-guessing yourself, often stuck in the survival mode of 3D consciousness. Still, you might feel or question if you are broken, but you are not. You have just been surviving Everyday conversation and red flags.

Speaker 2: 15:39

Here are some examples of common trauma bond dynamics in words and tones, what they might say you're too sensitive. If you didn't act that way I wouldn't have to get angry. No one else would put up with you. You can't make it in life without me. You can't survive without my help. You would be nothing without me. Nobody understands you like I do. I thought you were different. You're just like my ex and last one. After all I've done for you.

Speaker 2: 16:16

Now, what you might catch yourself saying, they're not always like this, he really didn't mean it. She has been really stressed at work lately. They just had a rough childhood. I know they love me deep down. He'll get over it eventually.

Speaker 2: 16:37

Now how it often feels. I can't breathe. I feel dead inside. Why am I so drained and exhausted all the time? When was the last time I was genuinely happy in this relationship? Why do I keep going back? Why do I keep forgiving them? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I make them happy anymore? What did I do wrong this time? Why am I so unhappy all the time? Why are they so mean to me all the time? Maybe I am worthless and damaged goods. Maybe I'm the problem.

Speaker 2: 17:23

What is a narcissistic trauma bond? A narcissistic trauma bond is an unhealthy emotional attachment that develops between a victim and a narcissist or other abuser, formed through a cycle of abuse and intermittent positive reinforcement. This bond creates loyalty and dependency in the victim, making it difficult to lead the relationship. Despite the harm caused, the victim may focus on rare good moments to justify enduring the frequent abuse, rationalizing the relationship's toxicity. Now I must talk about trauma dumping because I have to be mindful of it. Why In my line of work I see and hear it happen. Often Clients have experienced trauma dumping and don't know what they have experienced until someone, like me, explains it. Because you can be in a toxic relationship or work environment and your abuser jumps all their past and present painful daily drama experiences upon you, forcing you to sit and listen to their daily problems, which overrides your nervous system and leaves you feeling even more drained and confused.

Speaker 2: 18:45

What is trauma dumping? Trauma dumping is a one-sided, non-consensual sharing of overwhelming or graphic traumatic experiences and heavy emotional information with someone who is not prepared or equipped to handle it. Unlike healthy venting, trauma dumping doesn't involve seeking solutions or new perspectives from a 4D framework, but rather unburdening oneself without considering the listener's emotional boundaries, often leading to feelings of overwhelm, discomfort and emotional exhaustion to the listener. What the person is doing is dragging you down vibrationally and energetically into the 3D framework's lowest point of guilt and regret, maybe even shame. How trauma dumping differs from venting is that venting is a healthy, consensual expression of frustration that can lead to new perspectives and discovering healthy solutions to everyday problems. Venting is a form of stress relief, often involving supportive conversation. That is why I say all the solutions to anyone's daily issues exist within the 40 framework.

Speaker 2: 20:13

Trauma dumping is a one-sided act that consists of no consent from the listener and serves to unburden the speaker without any attempt at mutual support. It can feel like someone just dumped all their trauma trash upon you. Have you ever experienced this before? I have Signs of trauma dumping before. I have Signs of trauma dumping.

Speaker 2: 20:45

Oversharing with strangers. Sharing intense personal stories with people you barely know, repeatedly sharing the same story, recounting traumatic events multiple times without allowing for a balanced conversation. For a balanced conversation? Graphic details Providing excessively explicit or detailed descriptions of traumatic events. This can cause a person to experience indirect trauma because the story was so violent and graphic. Ignoring listeners' boundaries. Continuing to focus on your trauma even if the listener tries to change the subject or share their own feelings. Focusing on the dumpster's need. Lacking interest in the listener's perspective or giving them a chance to share their own emotions and, lastly, seeking attention a lack of self-reflection or a desire to generate sympathy and attention rather than process emotions. Trauma dumping can leave listeners feeling anxious, stressed and overwhelmed by the heavy information. It can damage relationships because this behavior can be destructive, leading others to limit interactions or perceive the dumper as manipulative. Without proper processing and support, trauma dumping can actually worsen the adverse effects of the trauma. So if you are still healing from a trauma bond situation, please be mindful of the individuals listening to your trauma pain story and do your best to stop repeating your own story to everyone and anyone.

Speaker 2: 22:33

Try to distance yourself from people who are trauma dumpers. Your nervous system is fried and you need a break. You need to heal first before you can heal another person. And remember you have identity erosion and you are not the best version of yourself right now. When your brain has been fried and scrambled by abuse. You are stuck in your survival brain. Each day can be a struggle to get out of bed and exist. It takes a lot of energy to become grounded, balanced and centered again. That is why it is so hard to find healthy solutions, because one is stuck feeling hopeless, abandoned, betrayed, abused and rejected, you can get stuck in that victim mindset. Self-care and kindness are essential because every day can appear to be an uphill battle. That is why I recommend speaking to a neutral person like a therapist, a support group, instead of friends and families.

Speaker 2: 23:39

When someone can relate to your pain and suffering, it helps because at times a friend or family member cannot relate to your pain story. This can leave you feeling flawed, broken, rejected and full of shame and guilt. So how to break a trauma bond? This part is hard, really really hard, but liberating. I recommend first discovering the obstacles to leaving an abusive relationship. It takes individuals seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship and one of the significant factors is that the individuals did not factor in any obstacles before leaving. So be safe and competent when you finally walk away.

Speaker 2: 24:27

Here's how healing begins. 1. Name it without shame. This is a trauma bond, not love. I'm not crazy. I was conditioned without my consent. Naming it breaks the spell.

Speaker 2: 24:45

Two create distance, physical or emotional. Even temporary space helps regulate your system and reconnect to reality. The first two weeks are the hardest. We can cling to the hope that they will change or keep their promises. But now it's too late. Their words do not match their actions and if they do, it can be a trap to keep you in the relationship. Still, create distance so you can think for yourself and view the whole picture from an outside perspective. If you need to make a no contact agreement, do it.

Speaker 2: 25:24

Three witnessed by safe people. Find a therapist, coach or spiritual guide to support you during this healing journey back home to yourself. Being seen and heard clearly by someone else helps undo gaslighting. Yes, the abuser will do their best to gaslight you into staying by saying you can't live without me or you can't survive life without me. But that is a lie created out of fear Fear that you will leave and take back control of your life. If you need a buddy system to prevent you from giving up or going back, do it. Pick a trusted friend, family member or group, like a domestic violence support person. Number four rebuild your identity. Reclaim your voice, your truth, your joy. Make yourself a promise to do something just for you every day. It could be something big or small. Your new location should become your safe haven. Make it nurturing and a healing space for your recovery. 5. Practice nervous system regulation, breath, work, movement, sound healing, cold showers, nature immersion anything that brings you back home to your body, do it. Final thoughts Trauma bonds feel like love and approval, because they awaken your most profound need to be chosen, seen, heard, loved and safe.

Speaker 2: 27:03

But healthy love doesn't swing between pain and pleasure. It holds you steady, solid as a rock. Genuine love and approval nourishes your soul. It never asks you to abandon yourself to keep it alive. Remember you are not too much and you are not hard to love. You were just taught to reach for hands that couldn't hold you or give you what you need. It was a trick or a trap. Now it's your turn to hold your hand and give yourself the soul medicine you need. So I've created a guided meditation to support anyone who experienced intermittent validation and has been caught in the web of a trauma-based relationship. The title is Untangling the Bond a meditation for releasing trauma-based love.

Speaker 2: 28:03

Now, if this information speaks to you, sit with it. It is just information. You could have been in the dark for a long time, or maybe you already saw some of these traits within yourself. There is zero shame or blame here. It is simply information that will support you or someone you love and moving forward and transforming one's life. So please share it, comment or ask me a question. Just know that you are not alone. Until next time and love and light. Angela Meyer, keri Logan Bye.