The Truth About Toxic Love: What They Don’t Tell You

Toxic love masquerades as intimacy while systematically dismantling your self-trust and identity until you believe your very survival depends on someone else. This powerful episode exposes the mechanics behind one of the darkest forms of emotional manipulation that often goes unrecognized and unaddressed.

At its core, abusive relationships operate through five devastating tactics: eroding your self-trust with constant criticism, creating financial or practical dependency, weaponizing guilt and loneliness, using intermittent reinforcement (the unpredictable cycle of kindness followed by cruelty), and gradually stealing your identity until you forget who you were before them. When these tactics succeed, leaving feels impossible—not just emotionally, but physically. Your nervous system becomes chemically addicted to the relationship dynamics, creating withdrawal symptoms that feel like you're dying when you try to break free.

What makes this episode uniquely powerful is the practical roadmap to liberation it provides. From establishing boundaries and healing your nervous system to reconnecting with your authentic self and creating daily rituals of self-affirmation, each step is designed to guide you back to wholeness. The episode also addresses crucial but often overlooked aspects of toxic dynamics, including spiritual abuse that uses divine language as a control mechanism and the fact that trauma bonds are chemical—not evidence of weakness or poor judgment.

Whether you've already left a toxic relationship, are contemplating leaving, or are supporting someone who's trapped in this dynamic, this episode offers profound validation and practical tools. Remember: you are not hard to love. That was a false belief installed by someone who needed you to forget your worth. You're not broken—you're becoming. Share this episode with anyone who might be struggling to recognize or escape toxic love, and visit undetectednarcissist.com for additional resources including guided meditation for healing.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to The Undetected Narcissist
• 1:48 Understanding Core Control Manipulation
• 4:09 Five Tactics of Toxic Control
• 9:48 Why Leaving Feels Like Dying
• 11:02 Reframing the Abuser's Lies
• 12:41 Red Flags Often Disguised as Love
• 15:47 Six Steps to Liberation
• 20:55 Vital Truths About Abuse & Healing
• 27:15 You Are Not Broken, You Are Becoming

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Season 4 of the Undetected Narcissist Podcast. Your host, angela Meyer, is here to bring you clarity if you are stuck in confusion, self-doubt or feel lost, without a sense of direction. This podcast is extremely different because Angela comes from a place of wisdom, compassion and has been able to forgive the unforgivable. She's a mental health professional, trauma-informed human consciousness guide and empowerment strategist. She knows one can't truly heal and recover when one is stuck in hate, anger and fear. One must rise above it, find meaning, understanding, compassion for oneself and the toxic people within our lives. This season is about self-empowerment, self-realizations and transformation. There is always a blog post supporting this information, so please visit undetectednarcissistcom so get ready to learn about yourself, others and find a way to truly live and thrive. Once again, enjoy the show.

Speaker 2: 1:09

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Undetected Narcissist. Today it is the topic the truth about toxic love, what they don't tell you. So sit back, because this one might be a little intense for a few people. Core control manipulation is one of the darkest manipulations and abusive dynamics and also one of the most misunderstood. So this episode is about unfailing what often goes unseen in toxic or abusive dynamics and guiding people back into their power. So today I'll guide you through the step-by-step tools for dismantling its power, because one of the abuser's most potent weapons is instilling the illusion of dependency emotional, financial, spiritual and even your existence. They don't want you to just be obedient and obey. They want to convince you that your survival, identity and future depends on them. This isn't love. It's possession masquerading as intimacy. So here's a quote for reflection If you constantly have to explain your worth, your truth or your pain, you're not in a relationship.

Speaker 2: 2:39

You're in a negotiation for your soul. So here's how they do it One eroding self-trust. They chip away at your intuition and decision making by saying comments like these You're overly, you're overreacting, you're too sensitive, you're always messing things up. You're so clumsy. You can't do anything right without my help. You talk too much. You're so ungrateful for all that I do for you. You were nothing until I found you Pretty harsh. Right Over time, you start second guessing yourself and maybe begin to believe their lies. This makes you more reliant on their version of their reality. The truth is that if someone makes you feel crazy for speaking your truth, having feelings and setting boundaries, they are not safe. Let me repeat this truth they are not safe to be around. I don't care how nice they occasionally pretend to be to keep you compliant. Your thoughts, feelings, opinions and boundaries matter. When they make you feel crazy for having a voice, feelings and boundaries, they are the crazy ones. Not you, not you.

Speaker 2: 4:09

Period Two creating financial or practical dependency. This is how they get the upper hand, and it can happen in many different ways. Here's some examples Preventing access to money, discouraging or sabotaging work, like saying let me take care of you, you don't need to work, quit your job, you have me now to take care of you. Next one making significant decisions without you. They will claim to know what is best for you, disregarding your thoughts and feelings. Next, they want complete access and control over your bank accounts and credit cards. Next one trying to manage and handle your accounts because, in their mind, they can do it better than you. Then they'll isolate you from resources and people who might help. And, lastly, they want you to become dependent upon them for everything, and only they can provide it. Why? Because when you think or feel like you can't leave, they gain power and they know it. They hold the purse strings and now you are dependent upon them for everything. This method is intentional and a form of sabotage to prevent you from ever trying to leave them. The truth even if you must go without nothing but your soul, that is still everything. Resources can be rebuilt. Your dignity cannot be bought.

Speaker 2: 5:42

Number three weaponizing loneliness or guilt. This form of control and manipulation can be soul crushing. It ties into the identity erosion by eroding your self-worth, your self-esteem and purpose in life. It can feel like a slow death because some people might believe their lies. So they will make comments like these to plunge you into feeling shame and guilt. Here's what they say. No one else would love you like I do. Our kids are going to hate you for destroying this family. It's all your fault. If you leave, you'll regret it. After all, I've done for you. You're so ungrateful. You're abandoning me. You're heartless. You are destroying our children's lives. If you end this marriage, nobody would want someone like you. And lastly, you can't walk out on me. I created you and I can destroy you. This guilt binds the empatheticetic, heart-centered person into self-abandonment to preserve the illusion of connection. The truth guilt is not love. Guilt is how they train you to betray yourself for them.

Speaker 2: 7:03

Number four intermittent reinforcement. We talked about that last week. The hot cold behaviors. Just like the slot machine. They give you a win, just enough to keep you hooked. There are a sudden apologies. There's a beautiful date. Sudden apologies. There's a beautiful date. Just days after cruelty, there's a promise to change.

Speaker 2: 7:35

This is psychological warfare. Your brain releases dopamine and those rare moments of quote good and you start chasing the high, believing love is on the other side of endurance. Love is on the other side of endurance. The truth If someone only shows kindness when they fear losing control, it's not love, it's strategy.

Speaker 2: 7:55

Five stealing your identity. They mold your world so tight around theirs that you forget who you were before. You stop doing what you love. You lose touch with friends, your personal goals, your dreams. You define yourself through their moods. You don't just lose them. You feel like you lose you the truth. You are still there. Lose you the truth. You are still there, bruised maybe, but unbroken. You existed before them and you will thrive after them. If you're listening to this, it means you're waking up. Maybe you've left, perhaps you're still in it, or maybe you're hovering on the edge, wondering if you're strong enough to go. Let this podcast be a mirror, a map and a promise. You are not alone and you are not broken.

Speaker 2: 8:55

Trauma bonds are not about weakness. They are about survival. But you're not here to survive anymore. You're here to live. So let me answer a question everyone struggles with. When they try to leave their abuses partner, why does it feel like you're dying? You die without them. Why? The answer? This is where the nervous system gets involved.

Speaker 2: 9:24

Trauma bonds mimic addiction. The cycle of abuse activates the same survival responses as physical danger. So when you try to leave, your body goes into withdrawals. You have anxiety spikes, the absence feels like death. But it's not death, it's rebirth pain. And if you sit with it, breathe through it and don't go back, that storm will pass. And what rises in its place is you, whole, wise, unshakable. That is why I say the first two weeks are the hardest. You are detoxing, the nervous system is fried and is learning to recalibrate to a calmer, more peaceful environment, because it had been on a 24-7 roller coaster ride. For what? Weeks, months, years, decades. If you talk to anyone who is a recovering addict, they will tell you the same thing. It was not easy. Sometimes we relapse, but when we finally say enough is enough, it was so worth it. You are worth it.

Speaker 2: 10:40

So let's reframe the lies you have been told. So let's reframe the lies you have been told. These are the lies from the abuser, and how I'm going to do this is I'm just going to say lie, truth and go back and forth. Lie, you're nothing without me. Truth, I am everything. I need to begin again. Lie, no one will ever love you like I do. Truth, thank God, I deserve a love that doesn't hurt. Lie, you'll never survive on your own Truth. Watch me Lie, you're too sensitive. Truth, my feelings are valid and wise. Lie, you're nothing without me. Truth, I am whole and sovereign. Lie, no one else will love you. Truth, I deserve love that doesn't hurt. Lie, you're crazy. Truth, my intuition is clear. Your perception is sound. Lie, you'll never survive on your own. Truth. Watch me rise.

Speaker 2: 11:51

Speak these truths daily, write them, post them on a mirror. Etch them into your nervous system. Mirror, etch them into your nervous system. Here are some red flags. They're not always dramatic and often overlooked. These tactics are usually subtle, slow and disguised as love. Trust what feels off, even if you can't explain it yet.

Speaker 2: 12:19

First one emotional manipulation. They flip the script so you end up apologizing. I mean, ask yourself, how often does this happen in our relationship? Do I find myself apologizing all the time now? Do I always fear that I will do something wrong or say something wrong or end up apologizing? Was I like this in my last relationship? That's a real red flag. Next one they twist your words to make you doubt your memory. Twisting your words is a form of gaslighting. That is why standing your ground and repeating exactly what you said matters. And most of the time they are doing this to start a fight or create drama, making you appear the abuser, and they are now the victim. Next one they punish you emotionally.

Speaker 2: 13:16

When you express needs, they say so. Let me give you an example. Let's say you want to snuggle and watch TV and they become cold and distant. Before they loved it and now you are just needy and clingy. You are suffocating them. This makes you question yourself and erodes your identity. The other one is intermittent reinforcement. We talked all about this last week.

Speaker 2: 13:44

Kindness comes in cycles, followed by coldness or cruelty. Over time, you live for the good days, even when they are rare. Each day is unpredictable. You're walking on eggshells, but hope keeps you going, even when you begin to believe the abuse is justifiable or your fault, as if you asked for it, you pushed them too far or you deserved the abuse when you did not. Next one is isolation. They put you away from friends, families and even your passions away from friends, families and even your passions. They need you more. When they feel you pulling away from them, they guilt trip you for seeking support from friends and family members, and even if you say their relationship is fine, they will guilt trip you and make you question your commitment to them. Soon your world begins to revolve solely around them their needs, wants, desires, dreams and goals Not yours.

Speaker 2: 14:46

Next, dependency you start to feel like you can't survive without them. They control access to your money, housing, children, transportation, shared animal or other resources. Your self-worth becomes tied to their approval. Lastly, hypervigilance you walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them. Your nervous system is always on alert. You stop being yourself to keep the peace.

Speaker 2: 15:19

There can be constant surveillance on how you spend your money, what you eat, how you spend your time, who you talk to, how you raise the kids. Initially they were reliable, but now you can see through their fake persona because they are unreliable and lack transparency. Reliable and lack transparency. So here's the path of liberation One go no contact or low contact. If it's safe, cut all communication. If not, create rigid boundaries. Use third-party mediation for logistics like kids assets, stuff like that, and be sure to block them or unfollow them and protect your space. And I got to share this and it's a little creepy and I know it just popped up, but I remember one woman where her husband actually gave her a frame photo of her and the kids and it really was a spy camera like one of those nanny cam things. He was watching her all the time on that and he even had a tracker on your car. So if you feel like there's high surveillance or things like that, you might want to be mindful about that and you can take your car to just a tire place and tell them hey, I think there might be a tracker on my car. They can find it for you.

Speaker 2: 16:46

Next, one number two nervous system healing. There is breath work, grounding exercises, cold water, gentle movement helps to repair your damaged nervous system. You can try EFT, emotional freedom technique, the tapping somatic therapy or EMDR if possible. Let your body unlearn the chaos. This takes time, so be patient with yourself and others. Now remember your body will go through withdrawals, because this was an addictive relationship. You will have highs and lows, anxiety spikes and roller coaster emotions. Learn to ride the waves. It's only temporary.

Speaker 2: 17:35

Number three reconnect with the self. Ask yourself what did I love before I was trained to shrink? To reconnect with your soul, consider reclaiming your passion or hobbies. Think of them as lost rituals that fed your soul. Reclaim lost rituals like playing music, exercise, art, animals, dancing, gardening and even spending time in nature. Let solitude become sanctuary, not punishment.

Speaker 2: 18:10

Four you grieve the illusion. This one's really important. What you mourn is the dream, not the person. That is what you are truly mourning, the happily ever after dream they painted for you. Your nervous system and brain got abused, so the absence will feel like a mini death. Remember this fact. It is only temporary. Remember this fact. It is only temporary and if it helps, consider writing a letter to your past self and then burning it in a ceremony, vowing never to abandon or sacrifice yourself again. And if you need to release any sadness, disappointment or anger, then cry, scream and release it. Then breathe. You are still here.

Speaker 2: 19:06

Number five surround yourself with truth. Community, not isolation, is your medicine. Find people, even just one, who reflect your light. Join a support group, either online or in person. Speak your truth, but be mindful of trauma dumping. And number six anchor a daily ritual. Creating a daily ritual is vital. You can post a morning affirmation on a mirror by saying I am my own safety. You could journal, journal one thing you reclaim each day and end your day with this, this comment I do not belong to pain, I belong to peace. Now I have on the blog post some journal prompts coming home to yourself.

Speaker 2: 20:02

Now, these are some really good questions to ask yourself, like, for example, what was I taught love should feel like and what do I now know it shouldn't feel like? What part of me did I have to hide, shrink or silence in that relationship? What are the lies I internalized from the abuse? What is the truth I choose now. If my inner child could speak, what would they need? To feel safe again? What does real peace feel like in my body? When was the last time I felt it in my body? When was the last time I felt it? What am I ready to release without guilt, without apology and, lastly, what am I reclaiming today? Closing Thoughts you are the one who got away.

Speaker 2: 20:57

1. Abuse doesn't always look like violence. Many people are still looking for bruises, but missing the wounds to the soul. Emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse often leaves no visible scars, but they erode a person's identity, intuition and self-worth just as violently. Vital message if someone constantly makes you doubt your value, reality or voice, it is abuse. You must stop ranking trauma and start recognizing manipulation in all its forms. Pain without bruises is still pain and deeply valid. 2. Spiritual abuse is real and underexposed.

Speaker 2: 21:48

In awakening or healing communities, some abusers cloak control in divine language such as you're not healed enough to leave. This is your karma. I'm your twin flame, you're just running. You're not evolved enough. You manifested this. All these sick and twisted statements are a form of spiritual gaslighting. These forms of spiritual language become a cage and create confusion, shame and spiritual disorientation. It makes the abused question their path, not just their relationship. Vital message no true spiritual path will ask you to abandon your soul to prove your love. Manipulation in sacred language is still manipulation. Real love never asks you to bypass your pain spiritually. Spiritual alignment never requires self-abandonment.

Speaker 2: 22:56

Number three the nervous system gets addicted to the chaos. I really want everyone to understand this concept because it is one of the least understood truths. Trauma bonds are chemical, understood truths. Trauma bonds are chemical. The body becomes conditioned to equate intensity with love, danger with passion. This is why leaving feels like withdrawal and why calm, safe love often feels boring or off at first. Vital message healing includes retraining your body to recognize peace as safety, not danger. Until this happens, many unknowingly seek out new versions of the same old wound. Number four the abuser isn't always a monster, but that doesn't make them safe.

Speaker 2: 23:53

Many abusers aren't evil caricatures. They may be wounded, charming, broken or even loving at times, but this inconsistency is what makes it so dangerous. Victims get stuck in the cycle of hope. They didn't mean it, they're trying, they're not all bad. Here's the vital message Compassion for their wounds doesn't mean tolerating their harm. Someone can be hurting but still be harmful, even if someone is 20% good to you and the other 80% is breaking you. That's not love. We got to stop making excuses for them by saying they didn't mean it, they're trying, they're not all bad. It still is not love, it's abuse.

Speaker 2: 24:55

Number five healing requires rewriting the inner narrative, not just changing partners. Leaving the abuser is not the final step. It's the beginning, unless we do the internal healing. That's why I say we all need to go within. We recreate the pattern in the next relationship. We stay guarded, disconnected and hyper-independent. And the sad truth is we live from survival, not sovereignty. Vital message the deepest healing is not sovereignty. Vital message the deepest healing is not about fixing the past but about choosing a new story in the now, one where love doesn't cost you yourself. And the last one, number six the abuser doesn't win when you leave. You win when you love yourself enough to go.

Speaker 2: 25:56

There's often guilt, shame and fear of being selfish when survivors finally walk away, but the truth is, choosing yourself is not betrayal. It is the most profound loyalty to your soul. And here's the vital message you are not the villain for leaving a story that was killing your spirit. You are the author of what comes next. Here's a good mantra I don't just walk away from pain, I walk towards peace.

Speaker 2: 26:34

Every time you choose truth over fear, every time you question their narrative, every time you dreamed of freedom, you were already reclaiming yourself. You are not a victim. You are a phoenix rising from the ashes that they tried to extinguish. You will not only survive, you will become a lighthouse for others. That's so fantastic. This guide is not just for now. It is for whenever the old lies come creeping into your mind and try to derail you. Keep it close and remember you're not hard to love. That was a false belief. You were loving someone who made you forget your worth. That is why you are not broken. You are becoming and you never have to become unfeeling to become free. So, like always, I created a guided meditation for reclaiming peace after toxic love. If any of this information speaks to you and or you know someone who might be in a toxic relationship and need support, please share. Until next time and love and light. Angela Meyer, keri Logan Bye.