ADHD, Internalised Misogyny & Really Sh*t Daydreams: Laura Mears-Reynolds

For the finale of Season 3 I've swapped roles with Dr James Brown of the ADHD Adults Podcast and ADHDadultUK Charity - the 1st ever ADHDAF guest - to answer the questions I've been asking for 2.5 years to conclude the season which almost didn't get released & ADHD Awareness Month 2024.
Whilst we explore the themes of Internalised misogyny, ableism and RSD, this lengthy, side-questy and VERY sweary (sorry Mum) chinwag is a celebration of launching stage one of ADHDAF+ Charity and  ADHDAF Emporium and all that's been overcome to continue ADHDAF solo for a whole year. And it is an ENORMOUS THANK YOU to all who have supported this podcast, the socials, the online peer support community, the live events, the retreat and ADHDAF Day.  I can't say thank you enough to you all!
- As explained in the episode(!!!) this cover photo is by the incredible @summonfirehotography
- Editing and jingle by @sessionzservices
- The playlist for all season 3 guests 'ADHD Song', including my ADHDAF Anthem is available to listen to HERE - the amazing question came from community LEGEND Lauren! 

I must admit I was cringing at the amount of times I swear in this episode - likely because it turned into a relaxed conversation between two friends. HOWEVER, I realised that if I edited the swearing out, I would only be doing so to appease my own internalised misogyny! So I've kept the swears in for that reason, and because it is symbolic of all that I've put into ADHDAF since April '22 - every single 'eff' I have to give! :)
THANKS SO MUCH to James for interviewing me and for all of his support from day dot - a man who has done DOUBLE the ammont of live shows I have at  70 in the same period!!

Trigger warning: Alongside swearing we discuss some heavy topics such as: bullying, ableism, trolling, sexism, internalised misogyny, addiction, accidental injury, premature death, suicidal ideation, suicide, self harm, divorce, family and relationship struggles, bereavement, abusive relationships, self loathing, depression and anxiety.

If you are in need of support YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is immediate help out there so please REACH OUT
Search the ADHD Medication Directory if you are struggling to access medication during the national medication shortage HERE

You can connect with literally likeminded legends and support the continuation of this podcast by joining the Patreon Peer Support Community
Enormous thanks to the Members for keeping this podcast going for over 2 years!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT
Please remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Laura x

Transcript

 Please read the episode description in the show notes before listening to avoid hearing any topics you might find triggering.  Hi there. I'm James Brown, and I was the first guest on this podcast. And today I'm trading places with Laura. It's not only the last episode of season three before I think we'd all agree a much needed break, but it marks one whole year of Laura doing ADHD AF solo and the exciting launch of the ADHD AF plus charity.

So hi, Laura. The Chazza. Hiya. This is really, really strange. Thank you.  I like strange. And obviously my main aim for this is for you to cry at some point. 

Let's start with some quick fire questions. Okay.  So name.  Laura Mays Reynolds. What would you say your pronouns are? She, her. And your star sign? Gemini through and through. Gemini through and through. I'm a Taurus and I've got no idea what that means. It means you're stubborn. Yeah.  Yeah, that's probably true, actually.

Um,  location, currently. Well, I'm currently in France, uh, at my in laws, in between Bergerac and Bordeaux. It's very lovely. What would you say your occupation is? Um,  Podcast host. I don't, I don't, I feel really weird saying that if anybody asks me, cause it makes you sound like a massive prick, doesn't it?

Like neckbeard prick, basically.  Podcast host.  And, uh, what else am I? Ladle waverer, retreat hoster, and most recently now founder of a charity, which is really terrifying and exciting. And amazing mate, you missed out amazing. It's such an incredible thing to do. What would you say your favorite film is?

Right, I've thought really hard about this and I've managed to narrow it down to four, so I'll be quick. The first one is  Labyrinth. I'm sorry, but you've got David Bowie, George Lucas, Jim Henson. Like it's ridiculous, it's actually ridiculous, it's the best film ever made. And then Rocky Horror Show.  It's a strange thing to think how young I was when I watched both of those films and obviously didn't have those feelings but was like I am in love with these strange men in makeup from a really young age, um, so that,  and then the first time I realised what like special interest nerdy hyper focus was Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet.

I went to see it at the cinema seven times until my mum told me off and told me I couldn't go and see it anymore and I cried. Wow. Yeah.  Um, and then finally, I wanted to pick a horror cause I am a real horror fiend and the best horror I've seen in a really long time is Hereditary. It's fucking terrifying and brilliant.

And everyone has to watch it. I can't watch horrors because Mrs. Audie HD won't let me. The first two choices, Labyrinth, Rocky Horror Show, incredible. And it's not just David Bowie, Jim Henson, et cetera. It's David Bowie. David Bowie's impressive package, you have to admit, which throughout that  film is front and foremost in every scene that he's in.

It's really a scene for a children's movie, it's really.  It really is. We'll swiftly move on from David Bowie's package to what your favourite animal is. Shark, a big, terrifying great white shark. If you see like my, my feed on my personal Insta is like all these like slo mos of sharks, like coming out of the water.

It's just something so beautiful and terrifying. Powerful, majestic, and shit scary. Um, next question. What city in the world are you most like? Bangkok, hands down. And it's my favorite city in the world. I love Bangkok. So many people hate it because it's like intense. I fucking love it. And you can do anything you like.

You can go and like get involved in culture. You can go to the seediest place ever. You can go somewhere that's like really fancy on a sky bar, just amazing food, all this stuff going on, rushing around the streets in a tuk tuk. I just love it. It's the best place.  It does sound like you, but all I heard was seedy places.

So I'm just making that up  in case I get to visit. Last question, a quick fire round. Planning,  love it or loathe it? Do  you know,  it's a really weird one because I actually really love it. I have lots of ideas and I want to know about things. I'm like, Oh, we could do this and dah, dah, dah, dah. And I love all of that.

But then at the same time, a bit of the dyscalculia. ADHD and the self doubt because of that also makes me incredibly nervous to book things. So like, I have to be hyper vigilant when I book a flight. I'm like, that's definitely the right place, isn't it? It's definitely the right time. And so the fear of getting it wrong, you know, my husband would say like, I, It takes me such a long time to decide what hotel to go to.

And I love looking, I'll research every single one and I'll look at all the reviews. I'll look at the pitch of the rooms and I'll do all of that. And then to such an extent that the one that I would have picked has gone or I'll go with the first one anyway, but it's just, it's quite a lot. So I love it,  but I'm sort of terrible at it at the same time. 

ADHD though isn't it? The  positive illusory bias, this kind of thing. Yeah, I can do that. I can look at all these things, research all these things, and then it's often the first one you look at, like you say, which, which disappears. Thank you. Really weird not asking you them back. I'm like, what about you though?

But you know, okay.  And I'm loving it. So.  As everybody knows, and as the podcast title denotes, you are ADHD AF. Now anyone who listens to the show will know pretty well that you discovered that you had ADHD at 35. You waited three years on the NHS and ended up in a mental health crisis. And it was an unexpected fluke at accessing private healthcare when you were 38 through your husband's work that meant you were seen in three months.

Now that diagnosis and treatment, I think it's fair to say, saved your life. And you've since then dedicated that life to building this incredible platform to help others who are in the same boat that you were in, and to be part of the push for systemic change. Now, as you already answer the usual questions, and have done since episode one of ADHD AF, There are some things that I want to know though, if the answer has maybe changed 130 something episodes later, but also some of these questions are going to be new.

So let's get started. Now  we know how the podcast started, but what was your inspiration for starting it? Yeah, so this is a funny one. There's a couple of things that happened all at once. Obviously  there was a serendipitous meeting with Dawn. We know about that.  Really truthfully, your podcast was just.

The huge, the real genuine inspiration in it, our friend Warren had posted about it. I was like, Oh, I'm trying to get assessed for ADHD. I will, I'll listen to that. And then just dive straight into your podcast. Really loved it because at the time, a lot of podcasts  were American. Which is fine. I love, I love Americans.

I've got plenty of American friends, but it, to hear like somebody you would speak to in the pub. I always say that about, uh, what's it called? I've gone off, here we go. And I can't even remember what it's called to tell you what I've gone off to say. The meditation app Headspace. I always listened to that guy because he sounds like somebody I would speak to in the pub.

And that's what I felt about your podcast. It's like just normal people that I would know. And so then when you, and not to put you on the spot, but like, When you spoke about binge eating disorder, I was really, really moved by that because I had spent my life carrying the shame for, for having, you know, battling bulimia and, and for you to speak about that and you're a guy.

And I was just a bit like, fuck, that's really powerful. Oh my God, that's amazing. Um, so there was that then meeting Dawn and I, there were two other things that happened. And it really all happened at the same time. So I spoke to somebody in my life. I'm not going to say who, but I'm not, but it's not big, but somebody in my life, I spoke to them and I said, what my opinion is about diagnosis, my experience, what I wanted to try and push for, you know, I came in here wanting to start a campaign.

I haven't really done that yet, but anyway, and the person said to me.  Oh, you're ready for it.  Who's going to listen to you?  Why would anybody listen to you? And it wasn't about a podcast. It was in the context of me saying, I want to go to my GP and make this suggestion that there's a checklist or something.

And it's like, why would they listen to you? What do you know? Who are you to tell anybody what to do? And you know, obviously that's kind of red rag to a fucking bull, isn't it? Especially if you knew who it was.  So there was that, but also,  and this is, A really important point that I can't believe I've never shared before, actually, is I was walking along the beach, listening to podcasts, Florence Given had just brought out her podcast, which was a few episodes in, and she had on Jameela Jamil, who I adore, they're two women who have a Imperfect.

Absolutely. But I've done a lot of fucking good. They've stuck their neck out and they've, they've done some really good things. And so massively respect both of them. I listened to it and they were talking about what is effectively is internalized misogyny. And they were saying how particularly Jamila Jamil, she was saying how, uh, women are pitted against each other.

And the, you know, she's got this kind of fringe that parts in the middle, a very unique fringe. And she's like this idea of another woman as being so annoying. It'd be like, she's so annoying. Look at her fringe. She's so annoying. Who does she think she is? And they were both talking about how they had experienced that.

And also talking about the work that they were doing and the fact that they'd stuck their neck out. And one of them, I can't remember which one it was said, And I just want to turn around and say, what have you done today? Because last time I checked, I started a fucking movement. What is it? I weigh, I started this, I've done this thing because I care and I'm making a difference.

And you want to say that I'm fucking annoying, actually pull your finger out. And I remember I was walking down the beach and I was like, I am going to pull my finger out. What? Right. And it literally was that. So it was all those things at once. But I mean,  Sorry, I'm really going for it now. But recently I was kind of in that sort of position  where  people are making big judgments like that.

And it's kind of, it's quite a sad thing because we don't realize that we're doing it. We don't realize that actually often. And actually it goes, it goes two ways because what I've learned is that when people are very critical of others, they tend to be the people that are most self critical. So actually, you know, that, that is a reflection of a person's suffering, but I, I do really hold onto that is like, we can respect  women who are trying their best without even liking them.

You don't have to like everybody, somebody like, um, Sophia Hilton, who, oh my God, she, just like you, gave us her time. You know, the fact that you came on our podcast, the fact that she came on our podcast, it gave us such a foot up and I will always be so grateful to her. But a lot of people don't like her.

She's definitely a definition of too much. And no, I don't agree with everything that she said or does, but fucking hell, I respect her. And that's what we should have. I think anyway, bloody hell. That went off on a tangent, but there you go. There's my answer.  We love a good tangent. And I think it's just really important to, I think, to thank you on behalf of all your listeners, that whatever the inspiration was, what you've created is, has, and will inspire other people.

And we know it's inspired other people and it will. And I think it's just wonderful to hear the background behind that. The next question might sound a bit odd, but do you have any regrets?  So many. Every fucking day, James. Honestly, people say you shouldn't have regrets. Honestly, it's pretty much all I have.

I look back at everything that I've done. In hindsight and think the fuck was I thinking I would, I would literally do every single thing differently. I truly would, but like I can say their regrets, but it's not like they eat me up. It's lessons. But yes, I would do everything, everything that I've done. I would do it differently.

But the real lesson that I've learned recently, this year has been fucking tough. I'm not going to lie to you. It's been really, really hard. My biggest regrets are the times that I I repeated a historical pattern of behavior, which was to believe that other people knew better than me. And that's not to say that you shouldn't take advice and hear arguments from all sides before you make a decision.

You absolutely should. But there were times along the way. And again, I don't want to put anybody in anything. I'm not talking about any one person. I'm talking about 10 or 15 different situations and different people where my brain has. Gone into that historical pattern and said, they know better than you.

Like my heart's going, I really  think we should do it this way. But my brain's gone. No, you definitely not right. Follow their lead. And then when that's.  Not worked out. It's, it's not just that you're kicking yourself. It's that  what I have learned is that all things ADHD AF and it's span out in loads of different directions is it's always going to be on my head.

Always.  So at the end of the day, I have to be the person that makes the call because if and when it goes tits up, that's okay, like that, you know, I do the most ADHD things. I'm fine with owning my shit. I'm fine with getting things wrong. But if I can turn around and say, well, I made this decision at the time because of X, Y, and Z, but when the only reason that I have for making it is because somebody else told me to.

I'm I'm gutted about that. That's not okay. Going forward. I have to be comfortable and confident In the decisions that I make as my own because I'll have to get hit in the face for it anyway  I think there's there's so there's so much in there that's powerful because we all live with with regrets even when we reach a level of Success or a level of achievement or, or even satisfaction with our lives.

I just like to thank you for utterly destroying something I use in coaching. When I say to people, there's no such thing as a good or a bad decision at the time, those are retrospective terms, but you've actually made me think, actually a bad decision is one that somebody else makes for you. Yes. And I think that's a really powerful thing to acknowledge that if you're driving something, if you're doing something you're passionate about, but you're letting somebody else.

Overpower or override what you kind of know or your gut feeling feels to be true Then you're not being authentic and I know you're authentic and you can just see in everything that you do how authentic you are So it's it's it's interesting that that's something that kind of forms part of your psychological makeup  Yeah, and I think, you know,  it's so funny because so much of it comes down to confidence that I am like hyperverbal, just hyper, and I got a lot to say, and I fucking feel everything, so it's, everything's pouring out of me like fire, but like, I, I'm not confident at all.

I'm, I'm talking now, you know, you are asking me questions on what is my interview. And I am literally holding back and apologizing and thinking, Oh my God, I'm taking up too much time. And Oh my God, I should just wrap it up and wrap it up, you know, and that's shit. That's, that's the, that's the burden that we all bear.

Well, many of us bear for late discovered ADHD is that, you know, You're not, you're always kind of on the back foot a bit. And there was something else I was going to say, but I totally forgot what it was.  Let it go. And I guarantee you, it will come back  halfway through me asking the next question. So people probably don't know that you and I kind of have a little.

Support group where we message each other when things are tough and you've been,  um,  I've got to stop getting emotional here. You've been a rock for me at times when I wanted to give everything up, when I've decided to give everything up and walk away, when I've had to deal with.  Those negative comments you've been there to support me and I think it's really important that we acknowledge that it is difficult.

So what do you think has been the hardest part for you in doing this on your own? This kind of ties into what I was saying before about the internalized misogyny It's just been really fucking hard doing this on my own and I I would never  have put myself in this position because of who I am, because of how I am.

I, I would never have thought that I would be able to do this on my own.  And this is an, an, an, an perception and reality, uh, two things that I can never tie together really, but I've felt, and this is feeling, I have felt unsafe since Dawn stepped down to focus on her studies. I have felt like what I was talking about with Jamila Jamil, she's so annoying, et cetera, et cetera.

It felt  As though, as a duo, we were comfortably aspirational in the sense, you go, me and my best mate are like that, or people would message and they'd say, God, I wish my friend lived down the road, or I wish I had somebody in my life that had ADHD. We were that. And so when I did, uh, when we did the show where we talked about podcasting,  and I said some of the different things I felt had, had sort of propelled us along.

I said, celebrate the wins. Like people want to be on the winning team. So me and Dawn, we used to do silly little dances. I'd be like, right, Dawn, put on something red. We're going Kylie, you know, and we would celebrate the wins. And let's look back. I mean, you're too busy to look at my social media, I'm sure, but there hasn't been any celebrations in the last year.

And that's not to say there haven't been milestones, but can you actually imagine it?  Can you actually imagine it? I'm going to put on a dress and dance to Lizzo on my own.  I'd be fucking lynched, or at least I think I would be. I feel like I would be right. So, so there's that. And truthfully, I just knew because having done my business Hathor for so many years and doing social media for so many years, I knew I would get sick of myself.

I'm so fucking sick of myself. I don't want to post a picture of my face. I don't want to, I, you know, and, and what happened within that, within that not feeling safe and within being sick of myself. I said in that very episode how much of my drive was for dawn when I give up when I've had enough of myself I wanted her to succeed it's it's very very hard to kind of push through that and I've kind of been made aware  that people find me annoying actually this is quite funny I've never told you this. 

So the too much tour,  it literally came about, not the actual tour, but the name and the push for too much and everything that I do that's too much is because of somebody slagging me off on your discord.  And I saw it and it was just like, I don't like that Laura girl. She's really annoying. She's. Too much.

And I was like, all right, sorry. I'll just go and fuck myself. Shall I? I thought that we were talking about the disability, you know, the thing that makes me hyperactive, the thing that makes me a lot. I thought that's what we were talking about, but okay. But actually a lot of good did come from it. That, that was the too much tour and my whole stick is owning it.

But, you know, there's been times when,  you know, like if I'm sending audio over to Pat and I hear my voice back and at times when people have taken pops at me. And I am sensitive, I am RSD too, I can hear it through the lens of them. And that's really horrible. Cause you're just like, Oh my God, they're going to fucking hate it when I laugh like that.

And Oh my God, that's really hard. That that's been really, really difficult.  Okay. So I'm just going to say this. I'm, I'm already cringing about it, but basically I have this incredible friend, Claire, she's a photographer, summon fire photography, and she did this shoot with me back in May in Cardiff. And.

She's just the most incredible photographer, like literal wizardry. I don't know how she, how she does it, but she took these amazing pictures of me and I love them so much and I just feel so bad because I have barely used them and it's not that I don't like them. It's that I'm just. So worried of, of that judgment,  you know, just like this fear of  screenshots of like, who does she think she is?

Cause I know that, that people do do that. Um, so what I'm going to do is put on my big girl pants and be really brave. And I'm actually going to use the really jiji one, the jijiest one there is. I'm going to use it as a cover of this episode. And I'm really scared, but thank you, Claire. Go and follow Claire.

But  the one that's really. Really got me  is, uh, I'm still trying not to apologize for talking too much is that particularly with the charity  in trying to find my feet with that role and trying to get it off the ground. And this is really ridiculous, right? Because I know that you have a charity, you had the charity before you had the podcast, everything.

And I've heard you talk about  all sorts of things on the podcast, right?  But in my head, somewhere in my head. Again, it's probably imposter syndrome is like, I need to be a different person now. Like I need to wear a fucking suit now. I need to not have a ladle anymore. I need to be serious. I need to be taken seriously.

And within all of that, things started to steer in directions again, that I definitely brilliant ideas, but not necessarily my skillset. Right. And so then. I started to really doubt myself, really doubt myself, sort of, by spring. Just had so many knocks, that like, I'm literally looking around me, asking people if I'm doing me right, you know, nobody has fucking done this.

I've come in here  as me, done it my way, and I'm looking for reassurance if I've done the job right. Nobody knows how to do this, not even me, but if anybody does, it's me, right? And, and so  they just got to a point a couple of months ago, and I'm so glad to be out the other side of it now. It was probably the stress of moving didn't help as well, but I was literally like, you know, I've always joked that I may sound like the girl from the Philadelphia advert in the 80s, but I'm not actually a bimbo.

I'm actually quite intelligent, I've always thought. And just somewhere along the line, with all the knocks and all the things that came out of the blue that I didn't see coming, and all the hurt and let down, I just suddenly got to this place where I thought, Oh, fuck, maybe I'm stupid.  Maybe I am actually stupid.

I am a stupid person with a big fucking mouth and that's who I am. And even though I was in such a dark place with it, even I could objectively see how sad that was because that would mean that I had come out of this space right now  in a worse place than I started. Because I've never had an inferiority complex before,  but luckily  it's, it's eased off now and actually, you know,  The ladle and, and kind of owning who I am and doing what I'm doing at the same time. 

I've never expected anybody to take me seriously. I don't fucking care if they do. You know, it's, it's, it's not, it's, it's, what is it? ADHD awareness month. Nobody's asked me on a fucking panel. Nobody's going to ask me. And you know what? I don't fucking care  because I haven't done it for them.  I am the, I'm the peers.

I'm not going to stand here and say I'm an expert. I'm Cause I didn't come here to be taken seriously. I came here to, well, raise hell, but, you know, have some fun too. I think there's, there's so much in there that I think, again, is, is powerful. The, the thing that I really took from it is that you are authentically you.

And sometimes, particularly with, with ADHD, when we have. That negative internal bias and the years of, of self doubt. We can question whether the authentic, the authentic us is, is valid, is good, is good enough. And then when you've got a public platform the size of yours, even if you've got 999 voices saying you're amazing, but one saying you're too much, or I don't like the sound of your voice, it's obviously that one that then challenges our authenticity.

And I think. Your, your power, Laura, in what you've created is your authenticity. You don't try and do things or say things that aren't authentic to you. And I think  for me as somebody that's a friend and a fan, I love everything you do because I see the impact it has on people and knowing that you've been through hard times, particularly in the last year, and you're still doing it.

is incredible because that's resilience.  Now,  we talked about Thank you, I'm second injured.  I'm going to get there. I'm going to get there.  Now, we talked about regrets a couple of questions ago. It might have been 10 questions ago because obviously my working memory is terrible.  What, what, what do you Not regret or maybe what are you proud of?

Do you know,  it's quite funny because when I started working with Pat, so Pat is, Pat is the editor he's, he's worked very hard for me on the jingle. I'm going to come back to that later, but he spoke to me about, you know, mic technique and maybe don't laugh directly into the microphone and maybe, you know.

Uh, and like bad sound quality and do this and do that and I was just like, it kind of made me realize how I, how I perceive the podcast. And we've got to think right, divergent thinking. I'm always a bit left of field. I literally, and I've been told that this is nonsense, but I literally see the podcast as like pirate fucking radio.

That's what I think it is. And My proudest moments are those moments of actual piracy. So for example, um, I had somebody within the NHS updating us about medication shortages that people didn't even know, like last year. I was like, this is off the press. This is what's going on in the street. I go fucking love that, but that's how I see it.

It is, it is activism. It is pirate radio. And somebody who's  not struggles to follow the rules, but like struggles to understand the rules  to just not have any, you know, when I think about the shows in particular,  there was a moment, it was I think it was the last show of the Too Much Tour, we were in Norwich, in a, in a church that I got married in.

And, there were all these people there, we're there in Leprechaun, we were belting out Black Velvet, running up and down the aisles. And I looked around,  everyone was enjoying it, but I, I just had this moment, it was almost like time stood still, and I looked like  This is fucking magic. Like this is, this is insane.

Nobody else would do this. It's ridiculous, but it works. And I'm, I'm so fucking proud of that. Like, I know that when I came in and I did try and sit up straight a bit and enunciate a bit better and all the rest of it to see me then go into like full festival mode and whatever, actually the truth is that's who I am.

And when I came into this space, I was, I mean, when you think about it, it actually freaks me out to think about it. In January, I nearly take my life. And by the end of April, I'm co hosting a podcast. When you think about it, that's really nuts. That's really  a matter of weeks. And I'm there on the mic. So it's, It's nice, it, it, it, there was a, uh, somebody made a piece of artwork of Dawn and I from really early days and it was a quote where I'd said something like, we've got loads of plans and none of them are related and none of them make sense, but they make sense to us or something like that.

And uh, yeah, it's, it's, I'm proud of doing that. I'm proud of, I'm proud of all of it really. And yeah. You know, beyond pride.  I'm just so fucking grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful to you. I'm so grateful to everybody who's ever spoken on the podcast, listened to the podcast, come into the community, come to any of the events, anything, anything like.

It just, it blows my mind really. And I think that, you know, this isn't the question at all, but I think that that's, that's the hard bit is that  in how I have felt about myself,  how I, you know, have let people down in my life, let myself down a lot,  it's, it's quite hard to carry sometimes because. You know, you don't feel good enough.

And I think that when you particularly, you know, the people that have come and said that the podcast has literally saved their lives, things like that. And I'm.  It doesn't sit right with me because it's me, but it also doesn't sit right with me because people deserve a lot fucking better than me waving a ladle around.

They need help, and it makes me more angry, but then that fuels it more, so it's okay.  I am, I am going to challenge that last statement very gently to say if we reel back a few minutes, because if we reel back a few minutes,  And you talked about being able to share information in a pirate radio  fashion that wasn't out there that was massively impactful and it's difficult and I share the same difficulties when people do say those you've saved my life we had a letter recently  about somebody saying that we'd saved their daughter's life and it makes me it does make me cry and it makes me angry  what you do and what you've done is you  You've added so much to the argument, to the awareness, to the community, which we needed, because what we don't need is more podcasts where two white blokes sit there, you know, talking about how it is to have ADHD as a white man.

What we do need is intersectionality and experience and expertise and shared opinions and the way in which you've done that. It's magical, I think, and I think it's difficult sometimes for us to say we're proud of stuff, but you really should be proud of what you've achieved because it's, it's incredible and the strength it takes. 

The strength it takes to go from mental health crisis to, to using that pain to create something that helps others is incredible.  I just, you know,  so much of ADHD AF  has been. Also about my own survival, I, I don't think that I would ever be able to convey what ADHD AF and all the things ADHD AF mean to me, I really just so, so broken, the world was over, I didn't think that I would have long to live genuinely, and I wanted to do something whilst I had breath in my lungs, really.

And within that.  I've, I'm not gonna cry, but you know it's, it saved me.  It's a very strange thing when You look around you and kind of in some way, shape or form, everything that there is, you have had a hand in the creation of however fucking random it is. So every single thing means something to me. And in a weirdest way, I can remember every interview, every social media post.

I can literally like, for somebody who can't do dates or numbers, I can tell you when it all comes back to me because it's literally. in my bones and I have just really fought and uh, I'm just sort of talking, I'm just crying. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. This is why I ask the questions because it rains me in.

I,  there's so much, there's so much that you said there that, that rings a bell with me. When, um, my dad, Robert from Kidderminster from the podcast was passing away and we had 10 weeks. It's the only thing that kept me going. Yeah. Recording that podcast from his bedroom upstairs while he was downstairs, knowing what was coming, it was the only thing that kept me going because it allowed me to share my emotions in a way that was, that was positive.

And I think it's, it's such a sign of your strengths that you've been able to create this off the back of a. A personal story which has been challenging and on the subject of challenging now,  let's get onto RSD. You've got, I'd probably say, well documented, um, struggles with RSD. Do you think it's improved at all?

No! No! So, do you know what? I was thinking about this the other day. And because somebody I know is trying to, uh, start a platform and she's really struggling and she was, she said, you know, how, how do you get over it? How do you, it's like, you don't, you don't like, I'll be honest with you. It, you don't, it's still, it's still as bad.

And.  And I thought about it  and actually when I was in Ibiza  years ago, um, my friend's husband said to me, Laura, how'd you do it? I go out every single night. Do you not feel dreadful? Like, how are you? Okay. And I remember just being like, yeah, I feel like fucking shit all of the time. And what I realize is that I have.

Uh, this really, this really low standards for myself. I will put up with a level of feeling uncomfortable that nobody really should.  And that's, and that's why it is this hard, you know, this year.  When I went on a load of podcasts, all or nothing, right? I didn't even realize I booked so many. Next thing you know, I did fucking nine podcasts in five minutes.

It was the most ridiculous thing, but one in particular that came out, that was huge, and it was just like, what have I done? Why have I done this? This is insane. It's horrendous. All of these people are judging me off soundbites, they're not even in my space, they're from a different space, like, why the fuck have I done this to myself?

So no, I don't, I don't think that it has improved, but.  Really, I will always be really happy about the moment of inspiration waking up in my bed and shouting RSD2 at the top of my lungs and making that character happen, um, because there's space for that. There's definitely, there's got to be more from RSD2.

I'm so, I'm so happy about that. But, um, also really shit daydreams, which is going to be the title of my book. I'm writing five books, but I've decided that is definitely the one I'm going to write and it will happen.  What, why not six? You know, go for a slightly random Because they'll never get done!

Random number. How do  you cope with it? 

I'm slightly unique in that I don't have much RSD. Um, it's about very specific things. And you and I have talked about these, these things in our little support groups. So I tend to only get triggered if something has intense emotional importance to me, and that is largely my work in the ADHD field. And you know, when.

Things got bad for me early this year and we were chatting it was largely because of repeated hate mail and attacks and letters about how I'm a monster and about how I'm a bully and so it's very specific for me and it got to the point it was so bad where for the first time because I would always try and.

Placate and, and, and kind of take a position of trying to understand and explain. And for the first time I ever, I took Alex's advice to block and move on. And one person who just kept on, kept on having a dick, I blocked them. And that this led to a suicide attempt. And, you know, I was in such a bad place because of this repeat, I was burnt out and low and it was emotional dysregulation and  it was just an automatic thing, but it was a wake up call that I, I can control.

Such some situations where I am exposed to RSD and if I remove that situation from me, that's one less cause. So I'm really lucky and it's only really kind of specific things that trigger my RSD. I'm really really excited. I've been waiting to get to this question. Tell me about the charity.  Okay, so obviously the charity is the real thing that I'm proudest of, but I still struggle with it because  Imposter syndrome, etc.

Um, so the charity is It's so funny because it's really been the longest time coming. It was back in literally September 22. We had somebody come in to help us and we were trying to decide what it was. What is ADHD AF? What direction are we going in? And.  Literally, it's only just happened now, so it's been a really long fucking safari.

And what's funny about it as well is that I am really overly optimistic about how quickly things can be done, and I honestly thought we would be up and running by April. So it's been a really, it's been a really tough, long, long trip with so much work put in behind the scenes. I'm so grateful to the people that got us up and running.

So Ali Mack, Kat Owens, James Robinson, all massively helped. In a nutshell, it is connecting and empowering ADHD adults of marginalized genders. And we are currently a registered charity in England. and Wales. And then we have plans to move into Scotland when we're properly up and running. But what's funny is,  along the way, although the aims remain the same, the kind of operations of it has changed so much.

And that was all. All part of it for me is actually, once again, not practicing what I preach and going, well, somebody should be doing this. So this is what we should do. And I'll absolutely, well, I don't know about that, but you seem to know what you're talking about. So I'm going to follow suit with you, blah, blah, blah.

Get me to this place of like, yeah, feeling like an imposter in my own life, in my own frigging idea and just go, actually, this is nonsense. You know, there are people that might look at what we've got, which is just stage one and go, well, This looks exactly like what you're already doing. There's nothing new in that, but actually that's the point.

I know that what I have already been doing actually works. I know that it brings people together. The ways that it fell down is that it's unsustainable. It costs loads of money to hire venues and then you have to charge people loads of money and all the fucking rest of it. No, these events, they do work.

There is so much value in them. And within that.  My real passion is in peer support groups because I've seen the benefit of them online, but then that in life connection, that's, that's the magic. So really, if we can go to all sorts of different places, bring people together and create these peer support groups in different places, then, then that's a lot of the magic.

And there is so much more to it that will come along the way, but really I've learned. Very much the hard way is start where you fucking are,  use your actual skills that you have. I've got a very specific set of skills, lean into those and just do my bit. I'm not going to stand there and say that I'm Mother Teresa and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that.

I'm not. I'm going to do my bit because that's what I know how to do and it's going to grow and grow. And I'm so, so, so excited. And just, yeah, I'm saying the words and I still don't even believe it's happening, but it's happening. Um, I can't, I can't believe we've got this far without me saying fuck. 

What I'd like to say is, again, I'm going to challenge you gently, but fucking do your bit. You, what you've already done in setting up a charity is incredible. I've been a trustee of three charities, obviously two of them set up impulsively because why not set up a homeless  support charity in Birmingham?

And then of course, yeah, and then of course, get Mrs. Audie HG to do all the work. And then set up an ADHD charity and get Mrs. Audie HB to do all the work.  But many people give to charity, which is fantastic. Many people share the types of posts and information that charities do, but the doing it is very different.

So doing your bit is, is a bigger statement than you say. And just to add to that, I've obviously been to one of your events,  the power in those events. Is, is fighting isolation because so many of us are isolated, particularly those marginalized groups and my heart sang when you said that that's the focus of the charity because the, you know, the big, the big charities don't really care that much about marginalized groups and what you're going to be able to do is, again, it's going to change lives and the power of that is Never ending because Terry Pratchett, which I'm going to misquote, you know, that's the ripples you leave in life and it's  after you've shuffled off, the ripples you leave are still there and they will be  okay.

Back to ADHD. Now, you and I both agree self diagnosis is valid. Yes. But one of the main points of this podcast is to push for systemic change so we can access, you know, what's, you know. Life changing diagnosis and treatment.  So with that in mind, if you could implement change to improve the diagnostic process, what would it be?

So most of the questions are the original questions that I just literally scribbled on a piece of paper in two minutes with Dawn sat there and went, well, we'll just ask each other this, and then we carried it on and the answer that I think I gave, maybe I wasn't brave enough to give, but the answer I had in my mind in.

End of April 22 is the same now and really when  that was what I saw was research that was the kind of activism bit of the podcast as I'm getting this information from all these different people to look at it from different viewpoints so that I can feel this idea for a campaign which is backed up on all sides,  but my answer.

Remains exactly the same for all of these conversations that I've had. I still believe, and I, you'll probably disagree with me. Many people do my diagnosis. And again, so many would say my diagnosis isn't valid. My diagnosis felt no different really to the many, many different doctor's appointment I've had throughout my life for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, et cetera.

So to my mind. It is still just a different set of questions and a different set of pills. So yes, GPs are very busy, but unless we're going to take mental health completely, not that I'm saying ADHD is a mental health condition, but for those kinds of appointments, if we're saying that GPs have enough on their plate, then take it all away. 

To my mind, Anybody who comes into a GP surgery saying they have anything that could potentially be a co occurring condition of ADHD Ask them six fucking questions take their blood pressure and give them a different set of pills It's always been that simple and that was what I said to the person who I won't name I said this is it.

This is the answer and they said no one's gonna fucking listen to you  I'm still here two and a half years later Having had hundreds of conversations and I still believe that I still believe it  Why am I wrong, James?  I don't disagree. No, I don't disagree with the word you've said, because, um, the caveat is, and this is the reason ADHD sits within psychiatry, is that fifth diagnostic criteria, that no other psychiatric or neurodevelopmental condition is more likely causing your condition.

But that could be done in consultation with a psychiatrist or an associated member. And you're absolutely right. You know, GPs are overworked and stressed.  One of the arguments against this is the confidence to prescribe, you know, controllable medications, even though all the evidence is they're, you know, pretty safe and tolerable.

And yet some of those medications like dexamphetamine will be given to people with narcolepsy. And yet that, you know, sometimes obviously a sleep specialist will be involved in that, but then the process of prescribing won't be necessarily under shared care. And And being reviewed and GPs have the expertise to ask those questions.

What you've said is absolutely achievable with the right political will and changes and how the NHS and NICE organize these things. So you're spot on mate. Because if you think about it as well, it's like there's a lot of depression medications, for example, that you really have to monitor. Like once you're on them, you're supposed to stay on them and you're supposed to wean yourself off them.

But like taking ADHD medication, like it could be out of your system in 12 hours or something, you know, it's not, I mean, obviously we're not, I'm not saying anybody should just do that, but I'm just saying they're already handing out pretty serious pills. So what's the difference? You know,  and then that change would then just speed everything up.

Um, it's yeah. So again, you know, you were spot on then you spot on, I mean, to be fair, that's not, you know,  outside of the realms of achievability when it comes to change. Because the thing is as well, the thing that has always bothered me about this now, ADHD, like, obviously we can look at it and we can say, Oh, you know, we need to start young.

We need to train up school teachers. We need to everything. Yes. A hundred percent. This problem is, is spread out in a million different directions. And yes, for future generations, we, we get the awareness out there. Brilliant. My problem is  these people, these people that I speak to every day.  It is literally, they have been fucking failed enough.

Like that is enough. That's enough, right? These people have had their lives, uh, turned over divorces, you know, family feuds, uh, accidents, addictions, everything, everything, everything. You turn around at 30 to 50 plus years old and now you're going to say they have to wait another eight years is I cannot live with it.

So. As much as I am very interested in ADHD in all its forms, I very much got my lane and just stay in my lane because this, this is the one for me.  That's not what you asked me.  No, no, listen, listen, it was, it was an ad, it was an ad, an adjunct to what I asked you. And there are people out there of any age, of any gender, of any ethnicity, of any demographic.

Who are not getting access to life changing care  largely because if you look at, you know, the way the NHS is structured, you know, 1775, first book on ADHD, 2000, you could be diagnosed as a child, 2008 as an adult and not till 2013 for a combined autism and ADHD diagnosis. We're so far behind the curve, but it doesn't take a lot of investments and planning so we can change those lives.

And I have said a few times, my hope is that.  I'm going to be part of the last generation that's been fucked over and failed. And I want to be able, as a grumpy old man, sitting there to be able to look at the news and to, and to, and to see that things are different and things have changed. And that, for me, will be what people like you and what you do will have achieved, will have forced that change that's so needed.

That's the thing about pushing for change. It's not a competition like nobody's winning. Like I'm so happy that there are loads of other podcasts. I'd still like mine to be heard,  but like it's that we're all in it together because that's how we make change happen is together collectively pushing bit by bit now  with ADHD. 

Presenting differently in each individual. One of my favorite repeated phrases is we are diverse as the neurodivergent group. We're not all the same. So as it presents differently in each individual, what would you say your, your kind of greatest struggles are? So  before  I got diagnosed and responded so well to LVANs, I had huge periods of test paralysis, huge.

And nobody believes me. Because of how much I do now, but the choice paralysis has stayed, but the task paralysis I can tend to just do things which is such a blessing, but I know only too well that. That shame cycle of, I should be doing the thing. Why haven't I done the thing? I haven't done the thing.

Why can't I do the thing? Oh, well, I haven't done the thing. So now I'm such a piece of shit that I wouldn't be able to do the thing, even if I fucking tried. And look, I still haven't done the thing and round and round you go. I've had. Really extreme periods of my life like that. I literally did sit down on the sofa and I didn't get up for two years and I nearly didn't get up at all because I hated myself so much and I was so ashamed.

And when I was able to just do, it was like the noise just quiet and down in my head enough to let me get on without second guessing every single fucking thing that I had to do.  And so I just then ran a million miles an hour. I have noticed long before I knew I had ADHD when I was at uni. I mean, I did a ridiculous degree.

I've got a cultural history degree. I got a two, two at Brighton university. I got a first in going raving basically. That's, that's what I did. And, uh, and in my third year, I moved to London. I was only in lectures like one hour a week or something ridiculous. And in that year that I moved to London, so I now had to travel between London and Brighton, I had loads of shifts in this pub in London.

I had to do my dissertation. I had to do all this stuff in that year.  I could do shit that I couldn't do in the year when all I had to do was walk two streets up to go to my uni building and literally worked in the pub across the road. I had about one shift a week. I was. Unable to do very much at all It's like the more I do the more I can do and that is my momentum and so  With this being the last episode of season three, I am quite scared to take my foot off the gas because historically when I do that, I just become quite incapable.

It just keep pushing and just keep pushing. The more and more ideas I have, the more and more momentum I have. And, and that's it. And I really can't remember what the fucking question was. So that's why I remembered it. That's my other greatest ADHD struggle. I can't fucking remember  I think whenever two ADHDers sit down and share kind of, you know, stories and lived experience, there are always those bits where internally or even externally you're going, yeah, yeah.

And, and that,  there's, there's two things I really loved that you said. One, one was about That difference between when you were in Brighton and when you were in London and because ADHD is it's consistent inconsistency and it's a performance issue not an ability issue. One of the things I find most frustrating and I struggle with is the day to day or week to week changes in.

Function that i can absolutely smash it for a week get up at six do loads of work and be great and then not be able to move  the following week and accepting that and dealing with that is is really difficult  and the not being able to start to being driven by a motor says. Probably my defining, um, symptom with ADHD and it is scary to stop because that fear that will I get the motivation back will I, you know, fall into a low, what am I going to, it's, it's very real, but don't worry, I'll make sure I keep you busy while you're off with other things to keep you  occupied and, um, You deserve a rest.

And I'm sure that once you actually do stop and reflect, you'll just be excited to do all of the new things and carrying on the existing things that you're doing now. I can remember the episode on self sabotage when you realized you weren't putting out season three. Why was that so difficult? Okay, so this is really weird because, to my recollection, I have not told Pat this, so this will be the first time that Pat has heard this, and it's kind of an apology to Pat at the same time, but I didn't really know. 

I did know, but I didn't know that was what was going on. So, if I could pin it to one thing, It was the jingle.  I could not deal with.  Hi, I'm Laura and I am ADHD AF. Every time I heard it without Hi, I'm Dawn, Hi, I'm Laura, it literally broke my fucking heart. I'm not joking. I couldn't do it. And really, you know, In hindsight, the sensible thing to do, if I wasn't such a fucking self flagellating, uh, what, sadist, is you would take a break.

You would take a fucking break and regroup and then come back a few months later with a new season. And I just couldn't do it because I felt The, that fear of, if I stopped, I'd never come back, but also we built and built and built and built and built this community and all of this is happening, you know,  and then all of a sudden.

I couldn't, I couldn't just let that drop. I just would have felt too guilty. And for example, the first ADHD AF day, this is a really good example of my naivety, actually. I'm very fucking naive. That's my, that's my biggest, my biggest problem. Is I remember saying if we don't if the if the system isn't better by this time next year We're gonna march by the houses of parliament.

What the fuck was I even talking about? We know we're near It's two years later.  That's how fucking naive I am. But you know, it opens a lot of doors anyway Um, and there I was a year later  And it's taken me a long time to kind of come to terms with that. People are allowed to change their minds. People are allowed to, you know, life changes.

We can say we're going to do things and, and, and that doesn't work out and that's okay. But I was just really fucking gutted. I, I knew that we, We are so different in our presentation of neurodivergence, in our life experiences, in, in, in every way we are so, so different. So it was never fucking easy. I'm not going to lie when you've got two people coming in at completely different angles.

But to my mind, like I said, ADHDF means everything to me. So it was this sacred fucking thing. And this thing that. How on earth anybody was listening to us? How was this happened? Like, it was, you know, it was everything and suddenly I'm just there on my own Really sad and I'm having to sit there and go hi.

I'm Laura and I am ADHD AF Seriously,  like I was like I Poor Pat, he must have done 50 fucking thousand versions of that jingle, and it still wasn't right. I could not do it, and in the end, I had to use the Birmingham show of the Alien Nation tour to just fucking get it out. Get it out now, get it out now.

And I was listening to the jingle for the last time down the motorway. Yeah, yeah, that's fine, do it, put it out, put it out, put it out, just get the fucking episodes out. I'd held on to those episodes from like January, February. This is like May. And you know what? I'm still not fucking happy with the jingle.

Poor Pat. Because all I can hear is how fucking terrified and sad I am. That's all I can hear when I hear that jingle and throughout it, as time has passed, I've, I've got better and I've found I've fallen on my face many times and got back up again. I feel like I could do it now. So it's a strange time to stop is when I've finally found my feet, but I know that I need to, because I have to arm myself a lot better for the different aspects of this now.

I can't.  Let anything like that happen to me again. I've got a lot of responsibility on my plate and I have to be well and an arm myself with a better toolkit than I have really. So yeah, that was why the fucking jingle. I'm sorry, Pat. So if anyone ever wants any audio services, I cannot recommend session services enough.

Alongside being in complete despair and having ADHD, I'm also hearing impaired. So honestly, Pat has the patience of an actual saint. So any audio services, he is your man. I will put a link in the blurb. Thank you so much for everything, Pat. I know it's been really difficult and I'm so grateful for your patience.

And actually Pat also does a support group in Milton Keynes. So go and check him out. And actually, I just want to also say. I bumped into Dawn just literally five minutes before moving out. It was literally the last sweep of the house to check. We had everything loaded in the van and that serendipity bulldozed us into each other.

Once again, we obviously lived six doors apart and we walked out of our houses at the exact same moment and literally ran into each other.  I asked how she was doing and she said she was excited to go into her final year of uni, she'll be in that now, and that she was really enjoying the quiet life. So, you know, as hard as it's been, I am so happy for her that she is happy with the choices that she's made.

And obviously, we are both on the right paths for us now. And I know that she will absolutely smash her degree.  Okay, I'm really interested to  To get the answer to this next question. So after receiving a late diagnosis, it's believed by some that we experienced Elizabeth Kubler Ross's grief cycle. You can call it the late diagnosis rollercoaster.

Where would you say you are on that rollercoaster now? I feel like I've been at acceptance for a really, really long time, but the things that kind of.  topple me. I just have, sometimes I just have this kind of, this niggly feeling. It's often when I look back, if I look back at photos or something, and I'll think to myself, I was so hopeful then.

I was hopeful that I might be able to fix this thing. I might get there one day. And now,  Every now and again for how grateful I am, you know, to know and what a difference it's made to my life every now and again, I'm a bit like, but maybe I was a bit happier, which isn't true because it was fucking chaos and I nearly died.

So it's not fucking true at all, but that's the one that bites me in the ass. Sometimes it's just like, you know,  sometimes. And I'm sure you can resonate. It's quite difficult because everybody wants to talk to you about ADHD all the time. So even when you go out.  And sometimes it, it just, it gets a bit hard because, you know, it would be nice to have a life outside because none of us can have a life outside of it because it influences everything that we do.

So we already have this all the time, all the time, but then obviously when that's all people want to speak to you about as well, that's, that's quite hard. So I am at acceptance, but there are things that can make me feel quite  resentful at times, which I guess you could argue would, would be back to anger, but I think the internalized ableism is still, still a bit of a problem, um, with particularly with the emotional side  and I,  I was at something the other day and I said something, I don't know, I don't even remember what I said.

But,  the person turned to me and she said, You know that is literally RSD. That is, what you've just said is the definition of RSD, that's not fucking real, Laura. Like, that's not real. And it's like, you know, you think that you've got so far, but then you're like, hang on, where has this come from? Or I'll catch myself like, why have I just been thinking about this negative thing for ages and ages and ages, not actually helping myself or using the tools that I know I should be doing.

It's, it's, uh, every day's a new day, isn't it really?  It is and it's often groundhog day and speaking as an ADHD coach who works with people to help do these things and can self coach but doesn't, I completely get that, the fact that  I can put myself in the way of me doing things far more easily than anyone else can put barriers in the way of me doing things and the way in which every day is different.

I often find that it is me that puts barriers in my place because I will get so lost in the negative internal dialogue or monologue rather than trying to do some of the things that I work with clients on, challenge those negative thoughts, you know, reframe those thoughts, write them down, etc. That's the thing that I find frustrating.

I think I'm acceptance as well. 99 percent of the time. But it's the 1 percent of the time that I find damaging. Next question. And I love this as well, because I think it's really important. What would you like the world, not just your listeners, but the world to know about ADHD? So for example, there's so many myths and misconceptions.

You could bust one of those myths or misconceptions, what would you like the world to know? Do you know, much like the, uh, the change of system question, I'm going to stick With what I originally said when we asked this question, ADHD Awareness Month, a couple of years ago, and that is, it's about compassion, and I have said this a lot, I've said this probably at every show I've ever done, is, But this time I've kind of got an added edge to it.

So take a look around you. And if there is somebody that is doing something that just doesn't make fucking sense,  then they've probably got ADHD. So, you know, if that person is always late to work to the fact, to the point that they're going to get fired, if you are, you know, spending all your money when you've got.

Bills to pay, if you are, you know, all of these things that don't make sense. And then looking out into society, rather than judgment, we need to say, Oh, you know, this person probably is struggling, but then also, and this is a conversation we've had before.  Is, is within the community. We are so fucking different.

We can be so different. And that doesn't mean that you have to get on with everybody. Sometimes people just don't mesh that well together. Sometimes people repel each other. But if you have ADHD.  Then you know that things can be a struggle. And so then you have to make the assumption that no matter how well somebody looks like they're doing, how happy somebody looks like they are, or whatever they're doing with their life, they struggle too.

And perhaps in very different ways. And so you kind of have to give everyone a little bit of a chance. And that's not to say that I'm a sane, like I really struggle with the emotional side of ADHD. So, yeah. Sometimes I'll snap at somebody or I'll cry or I'll take something really massively personally that I shouldn't, but I can always come back to this space because I understand that that probably looks completely different to that person than it looks to me.

For how wounded we can all be because of the life experiences we've had battling through life with these unidentified conditions, we have to. Try and look past the idea of everything being an attack. Or, they've done that, so they're a horrible person. Or, you know, just take a fucking step back. And that's not to say that anybody should take any shit from anybody else.

We have got to have boundaries. But at the same time, just don't villainise  anybody who you fucking know has a brain disorder. Right! That's it!  Again, in one of our little support meeting chats.  When I said to you, the only, the only people that have attacked me often within our community. Now, the vast majority of people I speak to hear from me, it's positivity, but when I do get literal hate mail and messages, it's from people within our community.

And I think. That compassion combined with understanding that we all have different lived experiences. And if you hear or say something or see something that doesn't maybe agree with yours, it doesn't invalidate you or your ADHD. So I think compassion within our community is really important. What would you like the listeners to know?

I would like the listeners to know  that. Oh, God, sorry, trying not to cry. I would like the listeners to know  that they are not alone. It's a really basic, basic bitch thing to say, but it's absolutely true. You know,  I really  genuinely believed that I was the only person in the world who Just couldn't get it together.

You know, I, I literally, I've said it many times about like the community, for example, I wouldn't have got that far. I couldn't have signed up because I would never definitely have money coming into my bank account. I worked for myself, which meant that sometimes I literally didn't work in my thirties. I, you know, I, I told those stories on the too much tour ending up on the streets of Bangkok with no money.

Someone's got to bail me out again. The shame that I carried and just not understanding why I couldn't do it or why I was always upset about something and why I can't fucking drive. And what a burden I feel for that. And all of these things, I really felt like I was the only person in the world. And it's just not fucking true.

It is not true. So you are not alone in it. Try to let go of that shame and just find your people because they are out there and we fucking need each other because times are tough and we have to, we have to, you know, stick together. And when we do.  It's never going to be perfect, but it does get better.

Things get much, much better. I just want to say, thank you. I don't, I don't, you know,  it's a fucking random package that I bring to the table. And I'm so very grateful for anybody who has humored me. I,  the most sentimental dickhead there is. I can't tell you what it means to me when somebody wears leopard print.

I can't tell you, you know.  All of it, I'm so, so fucking grateful for all of it, and,  yeah. That's it, that's enough, I'll shut up.  And that's lovely. What that tells me is, again, the impact that you've had, and we do often diminish it, but it's lovely that you can talk about the fact that what you put together is helping people find each other, it's helping people feel less alone, because that feeling that you're the shittest person in the world, you're, I mean, a burden, that word goes through my head every day.

Passive ideation, you're a burden, you know, you're a burden on everybody. We feel that way. But when you finally find the people that understand you and you don't have to code switch and you can unmask a little bit in a safe environment and you don't feel like you're the only one, that's life changing.

And again, that's something that you've created for so many people and it's, and it's wonderful. Right then, I think this might be a difficult question and obviously the answer's me.  Fave guest. You're definitely the favourite guest because you're the first guest so I'm so grateful. No it's not. So grateful.

But after you, uh, it has to be Clementine Ford. And actually, it's quite funny when I think back to it, and like I said to you, I've just sat on my ass for two years and hated myself and nearly died. Suddenly I can do things. And so I'm doing really ridiculous things. I think back to that time. It's like the fucking.

Balls on me. Who the fuck am I? I'm mentioning it right. Do you want to come over to my podcast then? Oh, oh, hi Clementine Ford, bestselling author, fucking feminist, legend, goddess, Clementine Ford. Do you want to come and speak to us in Aberdeen, yeah? But she did it. She actually did it. And the confidence that it gave me, not in myself, but in what we were doing, this is right, you know, and we got up at five o'clock in the morning.

I tottered around to Dawn's to interview Clementine Vaud in Melbourne. And she was so  amazing because she described what she felt it was like to realize that you have ADHD later in life. And she said, it was a bit like. A magic eye picture and you've kind of, and it's made up of all the little beliefs and all the little, everything about yourself.

And then suddenly it comes into focus and you can see it more clearly. Oh, this was this stage. And that's why I did this. And that's why I did that. She said it much more articulate, articulate than that, but yeah. So that I think Clementine Ford was kind of life changing, really. And just, it's a lovely analogy, especially as some, especially as no, but you can take me off. 

Um, it's, it's a lovely analogy, especially as someone. Who could never fucking see a magical picture and would stand there for about two hours in front of it. Crossing my eyes going, I don't,  what do you mean there's a boat there? Right. Then this next question is possibly my favorite question I've ever asked in any podcast or any public event or anything.

It's so clever. I have to acknowledge. I didn't write this, obviously. What song. Best describes your ADHD.  So actually, I'm going to change the question to what song best describes ADHD AF, this platform and all that's come from it. So anyone who's been to the shows might think black velvet or I am what I am, or I'm written Natty B, Natasha Beddingfield's hand anthem signifying the new chapter of our lives after the plot twist.

But actually I was going to save this for the book, but it feels really fitting to say it now. So, I proposed a toast at the Christmas shows, and I used the same line to dedicate the charity to absent friends and to our absent minded friends, the Leopard Print Army. Well, absent friends, I'm referencing the friends that are no longer with us that inspired me.

To be here fighting for this cause and more recently, the likes of Jody Walsham and all of those who have lost their lives prematurely due to unidentified ADHD, but absent minded friends is obviously a joke. The dictionary definition being having or showing a forgetful or inattentive disposition,  but absent minded friends is actually the title of one of my favorite songs by one of my all time favorite artists.

It's a song by Miloko. So Roisin Murphy is my almost idol. She comes second only to Grace Jones. I actually met her in Space Odds, anyway, that's in the story. Um,  so anyway, the song, so the lyrics, Shall we drink a toast to absent minded friends? To all who turn the corner and to those who went round the bend.

To me, that's the impact of unidentified ADHD destroying our mental health. It goes on to say, have you ever smiled for too long till you're aching? Have you ever laughed till you cried till your heart was breaking? So that to me is about masking and escapism, trying to cope, but it ends up doing you more damage.

There's another line, uh, maybe you're just too sensitive. Are you numb enough? Can we ever fill this impending void or have we become what we intended to avoid? So that thing I've said from day dot, sometimes our very best efforts, our actions end up not mirroring our intentions. So yeah, there you go. Yeah.

The actual anthem of ADHD AF is Miloko absent minded friends. And I have to say, I actually didn't write that question either. It was from a community member and I'm so sorry. I've forgotten who, so do let me know and I'll credit you. Yeah. Also, there is a link in the blurb to a Spotify playlist, which is All of the songs that the guests of season three have said is their ADHD song.

And also now this one, which is the absolute anthem.  And the most, I suppose, iconic and obvious question is what is the most ADHD thing? You've done this week. Well, actually, I've got one of today. It's not funny at all, but I think it's a really important point to make. They don't all have to be funny. So  I hosted body doubling today, and I was really looking forward to it.

I saw people. It was lovely to see them all the rest of it. But  I do have really quite bad hearing problems. So I am, I was born, I'm like 65 percent hearing or something from birth. And then I've got auditory processing disorder. And then you've got dodgy wifi connections and you've got poor, you know, somebody who's got some background noise, somebody else is on a delay and all of these faces are looking at me and.

You know,  the obvious thing to do would be like, I can't really hear any of you guys, but love you lots. Like, hope you're good. But no, something in me just soldiers on and, and yeah, and you were right and you were right and dah, dah, dah. And it got to the end of it. And it was lovely. I mean, as far as I know, I haven't upset anybody, but you know, somebody didn't have their camera on as is their right.

Somebody is not facing the camera when they're talking, all of these things. And. I come away from it and literally, what is it now? It must be like eight, nine hours ago. I'm still terrified that I have cut somebody off, spoken over somebody, didn't reply to the right thing because I heard something other than what they actually said or responded inappropriately.

Again, I will have auditory process the fuck out of a sentence and heard something else completely. And I come away. Because on top of that,  these people  are, are believing in me, they're backing me, they're right there behind me, and I want to make sure that they're okay as best I can, and I'm there, and I come away and I have no fucking clue what anybody said, and if I've made myself look like a massive bitch for being like, Oh, what?

Oh, you're ill?  I, I don't know if I've done that! I don't, I genuinely don't!  So nine hours later, drowning in RSD is definitely the most ADHD thing I've done today. What I'll just say is the people do love you and do back you and do believe in you. And that means that they will understand and accept you.

And I think that's really important when you've got that community.  Right. I suppose this is a,  well, it's a good open ended question, but it's an important one. So what's next? So what's next is this is the last episode for a little while. There will be bonuses and I will do most ADHD things, obviously, but I've made a sort of promise to myself that I'm not going to start another series.

Unless, there's two conditions, unless somebody fax me. I'm so tired of doing everything. I need some help. I really need some help. After waiting  nine months or more for access to work, I earned  104 under the threshold for support. So I'm definitely not fucking cashing in there, am I?  I didn't meet the criteria.

So either I get some help or I just take a lot of time And actually record a whole series and do all of the social media content and all of the blogs that I want to write for Patreon that I always run out of time to do and all of the shit that it should be in a package and not put it out until it's there because I, I love doing this, but.

What I do realize is how much it has taken over my life to the point that, you know, there are community members that I speak to more than my family. And then my friend who is battling stage four cancer, I haven't spoken, you know, my friend that I speak to the most is probably Steph and that's because I work with her, you know, I, I literally, it's, it's not okay.

And I have to, I have to have some life back. What I think is really interesting. This is not the question, but I do want to say this is, you know, that period of time in Aberdeen, we moved in 2020 thinking, you know, this whole thing, this global pandemic thing can't last that much longer. As for globally, the world, nobody had a good time, right?

We all had a fucking terrible time and then came out of that. And started this. And what's funny is moving to Aberdeen was completely left to field. It happened kind of by accident  and.  Everything else in my life kind of looked like my life. And then you've got this one period that looks nothing like my life.

And that's the one that's documented. I've met all of these people in this space where I haven't lived my life at all. Like I haven't, you know, so that's really, really strange is that actually, you know, we're not in Aberdeen anymore. We, life dealt us some blows. We tried to have a baby. It didn't work. 

Loads of shit that happened. It's like. It's all done now, and now's the start of a new chapter of my life, and I have to go into that with enough space to live my fucking life. And that's on me. But anyway, that aside, the number one priority, of course, is getting the charity off the ground. But there's so much to do, like, I really need to kind of hone what I've got with the podcast.

I do want to change the jingle. It breaks my heart. I can't, I can't have it there. But there's adverts, there's things I've, um,  that I don't vouch for because you know, that I need to kind of go back, take a step back and listen to it again and make sure that because new people listening to it every day, it has to actually be all right.

There is a responsibility there. I am going to write the fucking book,  but I'm also scared to say this one. I'm also thinking.  about potentially doing a coaching course, because although it's not what I want to predominantly do,  I do often feel that I should have more in my toolkit because everyone is always going to ask me questions and I.

Want to answer them in a genuine way as, as a friend, as I would speak to anybody in the pub, but actually I've realized that that's not really okay. I need to have better answers or know how to handle situations. People tell me, Rosie's like, you've got to be a coach because it's, it's, it's a, what do they call it?

Active listening. All you do is ask questions, Laura. You'd be a brilliant coach. It's asking that. So, you know, it's been a couple of years of people saying things like that in my head.  And like I said, I don't need anybody to take me seriously, but just for my own safety that I can walk into any situations and be like, well, have you thought about it this way?

Instead of me going, fuck off. That's, you know, like actually have a little bit,  a little bit behind me might be a good idea. So I'm considering that. But, um, on a personal level.  I'm also really scared to say this because in the past, historically, if I've been having a nice life, it's kind of put me in harm's way.

So I'm kind of, I'm scared, I'm scared of the judgment, but I want to live my life more. I'm also scared to jinx it because we've nearly done this before, but I'm very certain it's happening now.  I'm going home, James.  We're moving to Ibiza. I had to fight the,  I had to fight the impulsive urge to say you Fucking bitch.

I really want to move to and then I obviously just said it  I'm so happy you're going to be over there with mysterious warren somewhere in the background  Living your best life because you you fucking deserve it mate. You really do Thank you. It's very exciting because obviously it's, it's my home, but Big's never lived there.

So I'm really excited to be there with Big and yeah, be with my friends because that's what I have learned is that Aberdeen was the making of me. It forced me to dig really deep and work really hard. And I've found that and I've found so much, I owe a lot to Aberdeen, but I also know that I really, really struggle.

With weather, I won't go anywhere and I will sit in the house and hyper focus on work for three weeks and that's not healthy. I need to be around my friends and my friends are there and they're all very positive, uplifting people. It's a bit like when you think about medication, right? If somebody is, is operating here and maybe the medication might bring you up to almost their level.

And I feel like I know myself enough now. And you have only got one life that I should have the stuff that I need to live my best life. Actually.  100 percent because whatever your philosophy is, we probably get one go at this and you deserve to be able to enjoy as much of it as you can.  Yeah. Well, um, I feel like I'm sorry for talking so long and I'm not allowed to say sorry, but very much.

for everything. Honestly, you, what you did  with your podcast, it changed. Well, it's, it's continuing to change people's lives, but it changed my life. It made me sit up straight and go fucking hell. Like we can talk about these things and we don't need to be ashamed of these things. Yeah. And really, you know, from, from day dot, I mean, I don't know what the fuck you must have thought of me.

Who is this girl? Go away! But like, demanded that we work together and haven't basically left the pair of you alone since. And I'm just very, very grateful. Um, Very grateful, and you, you really are. You, you know, if you say that what I have done has made a big difference, what you did played a huge part in me doing what I've done.

So you fucking double, you double win, you top chumps. So technically, I'm kind of like your dad, something like that, would you say? I've produced this glorious thing that I can claim some elements of responsibility for. You're the dad of ADHD AF. I am. I like that title. I just want to say I feel very honoured that you've given me the chance to do this because it's such an important milestone for you and it's such an important time for you.

For me to be allowed to be the person to ask you these questions means so much to me. So thanks, mate. Oh, thank you very much. I'm very excited about All of the things that we can do with our charities together. And I think that it's very, very important that we, we see it the same way. We are one doing the same work and it's, it's no competition.

We have to, you know, practice what we preach and pull together.