ADHD, Relationships, Expectations and Self Loathing

Do you struggle with Relationships / Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria / a fear of being perceived and Self Loathing? YOU ARE NOT ALONE! And neither am I... I'm joined by Nicole Nadler, for an impromptu and chaotic chinwag on all of the above... with some very helpful tips to boot.

TRIGGER WARNING: Contains LOTS of swearing, gallows humour, loud laughter and mentions of sensitive topics including; grief, bereavement, mother loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, alcoholism, addiction, bullying, relationship struggles, self loathing, conflict, and loneliness. If you are struggling, lo siento. You are not alone. Please reach out for help HERE

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Big LOVE, thank you so much for listening and for all of your support,
Laura x

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Photo Credit: @dopamineanddaydreams from our ADHDAF Emporium Tent at Flackstock Festival 2024

Transcript

 Hello, my name is Laura and I am A-D-H-D-A-F. I am joined by an old school friend of the podcast, very good friend of mine, Nicole Nadler, who is visiting me for my birthday, which was two days ago. Now, Nicole is very much of the too much camp of a DHD. We are all different. A DHD presents differently in every single individual, but some of us talk at the speed of night and Nicole and and we're two of those.

And we're two of those in amongst celebrating. We have talked a lot when Nicole and I together, we barely come up for air, and some of it has been absolute gold and I just suddenly thought we should be recording this. Yeah, yeah. So that's what this is. Mm-hmm. So Nicole. Was interviewed back in 2023 on the podcast in episode 2022.

It was the, it was the very beginning. Oh, 2022, episode 17, I think. Okay. Early days and then again last year in August or leading up to August with Wise Nicole Nadler. Still like this? Yes. We fringe show a follow up and then I've on other Cames bits and Bobs, and if you've ever seen a live A-D-H-D-A-F podcast show, uhhuh Nicole Nadler will have been there.

Yes, if can hear an American Voice 80% of the time, a design, not always, but often if you came to the A-D-H-D-A-F Emporium Tent at Flag Stock Festival, she also looks slightly and sounds slightly like optimistic, Meg. But with like a very thick New York accent, which you absolutely do not have now. So Nicole trying, Nicole had this idea.

Let's set this up. We'll be toed profesh, we'll record it. We've got a phone set up on one side of us. We're speaking over Zoom and of course we're not toed profess. We sat down, we dunno what camera to look at, whose idea was this? We have a lot of ideas. Not all of them are good, but we do hope that you enjoy.

What will likely be a very chaotic ramble. Please do have a read of the description of the show notes before diving in because this episode comes with a trigger warning, probably several. It is all off the cuff. It is not scripted. There will be swearing and I'm already anticipating. We are definitely going to be discussing a little bit about grief and bereavement.

Mm. So if you are not in a place to hear any of the topics listed in the show notes, come back to it a time when you do have the capacity. Now, capacity is one of the things that we are gonna be talking about. And A DHD, obviously relationships, expectations, and self-loathing. We didn't even practice that.

Oh, I know. Shall I just start rambling and see what comes out as if there was ever gonna be. Another way. So today I'm actually feeling very self-loathing e and that is because I, it's been my birthday, as I said two days ago. Thank you for all of the lovely messages and thank you to the Lip Print Army for the amazing card and gift.

It's been really lovely. But I have been absolutely dreading my birthday because it is my first birthday without my mom. She passed away coming up for four months ago now. And actually, I. It started to get really, really tough a couple of weeks ago. And I know that grief isn't linear, but, or I read somewhere that around about the three month market gets hard again because all of the kind of dust has settled and you're actually coming to terms with the reality again and you're living every day in real life.

Yeah, and, and it won't be the same for everybody, but I definitely noticed it all intensified again around about that point. And again, also anniversaries. The first of things are meant to intensify the grief. So I just want anyone to know who's listening. If you are grieving, you are not alone. And A DHD and the symptoms of grief can overlap and also exacerbate each other.

So we really are in the thick of it. I really am more A-D-H-D-A-F than I've ever been in my life. I've also just moved into a new place. There's a really strange transitional time right now. And it's a lot. Anyway, that wasn't what I was gonna tell you. You can, you can listen to the episode, A DHD and grief, which is in honor of my mom, which I recorded when she first passed away.

Should you wish to. The point I'm trying to make is that I wasn't looking forward to my birthday. I felt really, really grief in the days leading up to it. Decided the best thing to do was to make plans, so I made very concise plans, decided on daytime rather than nighttime, and it was a bit like a military operation.

It, it ran pretty seamlessly, very well. We had a really good time. And I was home by like 7:00 PM and that is my grief hack to anybody who is grieving and has a birthday, is make very concise plans. Stick to them, call it a night. And I did. Well yesterday we went out and about. Yeah. And today I feel very undeserving of all of the lovely things that I've had.

And I feel guilty and like I should have worked harder and I shouldn't have been celebrating. And everybody's gonna think that I've been celebrating and not honoring my mom's honor. And, and I'm obviously absolutely fine now so everyone can check everything at me that they normally check at me when actually I don't have full capacity and all of that bullshit basically.

I think, I think in you saying, I have not experienced any of the grief you've experienced in your whole life at any level, but, um, I think that celebrating in the face of grief is really almost like an act of defiance against what you want to tell yourself. Yeah. Because you. All the things that you just said, why you feel like that Makes that objectively makes a lot of sense to me.

Yeah. But I don't know, I didn't know your mom, but I can't imagine that she would have not wanted you to have a happy birthday. No, absolutely. And wanted you to. Oh, absolutely. So like, pushing yourself to enjoy your life and your friends and this moment and not focusing on other things. Yeah. Is is like almost like an act of rebellion of like this is the grief that I feel and it is all consuming and will be all consuming.

Yeah. Not today, motherfucker. And I think, you know, I think also it's quite funny because birthdays, again, coming back to the point, one of the many points of what will be a ridiculous ramble of an episode, one of the many points is about expectations. Mm-hmm. And that's something that I feel very heavily is like, I should have rung more people.

Have I got back to everybody? Have I thanked every single Facebook message? Have I know, I can attest that I was with Laura and she is on the, the only people I talked to, I talked to my grandma and my five-year-old niece. Other than that, I'm like, you can hear from me later. And I was like, thank you so much for such a love on it.

On it. She missed your message. It was by. Uh, A DHD. She was on it. Yeah. There's no way. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, so that was that. So that's how I feel in the self-loathing stakes. It's very boring. It's not very fun to think that you have to absolutely earn any Right whatsoever to any kind of joy is not fun. But self-flagellation seems to be one of my skills.

That's my superpower. I have that. Yeah. Birthdays are a really, really tough one. I grew up in a birthday house and by a birthday house, I mean, like my mom made my birthday a big deal. Yeah. It was always, it wasn't necessarily like a fan, but it was like balloons and a cake and she would like it just, you were made to feel special when you did the cake reveal.

Like you've never had a cake in your life. Yeah. She, she just, I don't know. I can't even, it wasn't like it was big fancy birthdays all the time, but it was just always a big deal. Yeah. So I think birthdays are a big deal. I have friends who are also birth, like you either are or are not a birthday person.

Yeah. I have really struggled in moving abroad. I don't have that birthday love and because I'm a birthday person, it really, and we're gonna talk about perception, it really freaks me out. My first five birthdays here, I didn't really have anything. I, you know, I would go to dinner with my husband or something and not to say that's not enough, but it, it, not gonna listen, listen to this.

But it's not what you used to. Yeah. I was like, sorry. Do you have any idea I did it. I stayed here another year. I, and I, I, I'm alive. I year Yes. I'm consistently shocked that I've made it this far in like a, I can't believe I didn't fall down a flight of stairs Way. Yeah. What I've found is that when you have this need, it was such a need of like, can you please love and validate my existence?

Nothing was enough for me. Yeah. And I always felt worse. 2020, I started making friends. So I'd only been in UK for two years. I didn't have any friends. And I, the idea of not even having people to invite freaked me out. Yeah. So I was like, I'll go home for my birthday. Um, and I invited all these people and they all came and I was really unhappy, like nothing was enough.

Yeah. Because I was like, oh, but this one person didn't come. Yeah. And then, so I have this problem with perception and it's been there for a long time, but I've only really recently understood it. So when it comes to something like a birthday, and this happens a lot, I do all this stuff and I invite all these people and people come and they love me and they bring me presents or cards or all the things that you would do, but then like somebody's like, yeah, um, can't wait to see you.

And then they're just like, don't turn up, which is objectively really rude. Of course, the first thing. But life happens, obviously. Yeah. But I have a big RSVP issue anyway. That's not the point that's on me. But what I'm saying is, is this person, they were not, not whatever. They made their call, they didn't turn up, they didn't RSVP, whatever it is.

My first thought, and that becomes an obsessive thought, is they're the only person that was honest with me. Mm. And nobody else wants to be here. And this is a recurring theme in my life, but I'm looking back, so like birthdays were a big thing for that. But never until I moved abroad. I don't remember having the.

If I did have that way in America, I don't remember it anymore. So it was like they're the only one who's honest with me and nobody else wanted to be here. They just felt bad, which is completely a lie. And so that is a big birthday spiral for me. I've had two birthday parties here both years. People were like, yep, can't wait.

See you soon. And they just did not come. And it ruined me for like weeks after that. I like didn't wanna leave my house. I was so embarrassed. So it's this concept of what it means and the perception is they're shitty. I don't know. They didn't, yeah. But the thing that I really, I've been desperately, I like literally crossing my fingers and toes, tell me to try and remember to say is that the stories that we tell ourselves, the internal narrative that we have that has been shaped by a life.

Of unidentified A DHD. That is what we know to be true. Yeah, before we found out the rest of the information. So what that means is. Inside of us, we are carrying this narrative and our brains as left a field as they can be, they're also very clever. They want to keep us safe. Mm-hmm. And they back up the narrative to make us right.

To keep us safe. So one of the things that I think is really interesting, it was a conversation that I had with somebody in the Discord server of the patron community of this podcast, was they were talking about the fact that their friends had forgotten to wish them a happy birthday. On the WhatsApp group.

Mm-hmm. And she was just like, I'm just so upset, blah, blah, blah. And I said, I totally get it. I totally understand. Can I just play devil's advocate for a minute? Because I just have to advocate for all the people that cannot remember dates because I, or I can't, I cannot tell you now the date of my dad's birthday.

I know it's in September. I dunno if it's the seventh, ninth, 17th, 19th. It could even be the 15th or the 13th. I do not know. I cannot withhold, I cannot. Keep that piece of information in my brain. I dunno why. Partly to do with Dyscalculia. I'm bad with numbers. Yeah, I know. It's September. I cannot remember the date.

Just gotta send him a card. September 1st. Yeah. Oh good. Yeah, every year. Yeah. Yeah. So happy birthday month. So all of these people forgot. So I'd say, okay, let's think for a second that all of these people forgot. Now what I do is I will give people loads and loads of notice and warning and fore warning and the day before, and I make the plans and I do all of this stuff.

Mm-hmm. To kind of give people enough of a, of a reminder that it's happening. Now, some people, and this, I'm not saying this is intentional, I would say it's our brains trying to be clever to keep us safe and, and look for this narrative. Don't give people the information. They use it as a test and they say.

Look. There you go. That's me. They failed. That's me. Just like you knew they would. And you know why? Because you are a piece of shit. They don't love you. You are not good enough. That's why. That's why. That's why. Yeah. And so what I said to this girl was like, I tell you what, feel free to tell me where to go because I'm not your mom and I'm not an expert.

But here's what I think. Why don't you go back to your friends and say, well, you bastard, since you're not taking me for a birthday drink, why don't we all go out for dinner next week to celebrate my belated birthday? And she said, they all laughed. Their asses off, apologized profusely. She felt a million times better, and they had a lovely time.

That is, it's a great thing to do. Yeah. Well it's like give yourself, give yourself and the people in your life a break. Like give yourself, give your brain a break. Yeah. From trying to sabotage you and trying to make you hate yourself and tell you that the world hates you too. That isn't me saying that anybody is being manipulative.

What I'm talking about is the impact, the battle scars of a lifetime of unidentified A DHD. We get the answers, whether that's a medical diagnosis, we ha self-diagnosis is valid and it has to be in a system that's so broken. You could be waiting well the rest of your life or up to eight years for a DHD assessment.

Yeah, self-diagnosis has to be valid, but whatever those answers are, when you find them out, you don't just go, ah, clean slate. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not an unreliable, lazy piece of shit that can't hold down a job and upsets everybody that nobody wants around. It takes. Work, especially with RSD, what I call those really shit daydreams, sometimes keeping on top of those isn't just weekly, it's daily, it's hourly work.

Our A DHD symptoms are exacerbated by our fluctuating hormones. Our symptoms can change not just throughout our lifetimes, but throughout our cycles. Mm-hmm. We could come up with new problems or different problems or different ways of, of thinking about things. And you've got grief, life circumstances, moving house work, stress.

Yeah. All of these things. It's like, yes, you can work to get better, but if you are somebody like me that once a month, your A DHD medication just doesn't work for a week. If you even are medicated, let's just say you're not, and you have different coping strategies, body doubling, accountability, whatever it is that you use to help you on the daily.

If you are in that week where your A DHD is on fire because of your hormones, you're going into perimenopause, menopause, whatever it is, uh, post. Pardon, whatever. Like they're not gonna work. And in those moments, everything's just noise been worse, everything support, and you're back to square one. Yeah, yeah.

You know? Yeah. It's, it is really, really difficult. But you know, I think it is a case of checking, is it real? Is it real? Now the problem is, does everybody in this situation actually hate me? Yeah. Is there a possibility that I might have got this wrong? Now the bit where it gets tricky is, is their evidence.

Because that's when your brain will say, yeah, there is evidence. They forgot my fucking birthday. Right? But that fuck. But did you tell them? Did you remind them? Can you remember when their birthday is? Do they have something else going on in their life? Life Is there, I think it's also very relevant that there are some people who are.

Who are not thoughtful. I don't mean, and don't, and don't give a shit about birthdays and don't give a shit. And honestly, so they, they don't care that you haven't remembered. They don't remember anybody, so they don't give a shit. There are also just times where people are just not kind and they are not thoughtful and they are not, and that has some, listen, I'm telling you what I tell myself, that has nothing to do with me.

Yeah. Projection, right. It has nothing to do because what I, my, I am really stuck in a cloud of the way that I perceive other people to perceive me. Yes. And that is not about being liked or disliked, and I'm not very good at articulating it. No, it's the fear of being perceived in general. Well, it's the fear of being perceived and not knowing how I'm perceived.

Yes, it's fine. And it's uncontrollable, unknowable. Yeah. And anybody else's projection or really shit daydream or one action or a perception of an action can change that perception entirely. And the negative experiences, unfortunately. So like I have this running joke that I want, you know, like a burn book and mean girls, like, I want my own burn book so badly because Against yourself.

Against myself. 'cause I, if you're like, Nicole, here's all these things that I like about, I like myself. If you tell me like, oh, I think you're really clever, I'd be like, thank you. I agree. I also think I'm clever. Like, thank you for affirming. I believe that. What I wanna know is that the burn book side of it, because I'm like, well, I don't know.

Yeah. Am I problematic? Do I say things that I think are funny and actually like, hurts someone's feelings? Of course. And no one, so like, I am desperate for this information, but, but, but here's the, here's the thing, right? I've had a lot of that information about too. And actually you still have to be you because you can't keep everybody happy.

That's the thing about perception, right? Is that there are people that could listen to this episodes and say, that was so fucking brilliant. That was so helpful. I feel really validated. I think those two girls are really interesting. And someone's gonna say, Hey, what a couple of thoughts about pair tickets.

They're so annoying. Who do they think they're stupid voices? Stupid accents, fuck off. That's honestly what can and will happen. So how would we then fit into towards that? Every single person is not gonna have a criticism. So for me, for me it's, and this is where it comes into being liked and disliked. So the example I would give is like.

I, I talk an extraordinary amount. It's out of control. And I came back, we're actually very paired down right now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to keep it real, uh, if we be a lot faster. So I'm, uh, so I talk, it's so overwhelming for even me to experience a lot of the time. And, um, if, so here's the two examples. If someone's like, Nicole talks a lot, and I find that to be very annoying, I'd be like, well, piss off.

I can't do anything about it and say, Lavie, I really do not care. I don't like it either, and there's nothing I can do about it. If I could, I would've done it 20 years ago. Yeah. But the, the, the part about the perception that freaks me out is if someone's like, gosh, Nicole talks a lot because she's so obsessed with herself.

Yes. And it doesn't, and, and I'm like, oh, no, no, no, sorry. No, that's actually not, I'm filling the gap because I think it's uncomfortable to be silent. Right. Whatever. It's, I have 60,000 thoughts and if they don't come out, then I'm gonna lose them. All of these things. So like, that's where I start to get a little freaked out.

So the object, the, the thing is Nicole talking a lot. If you don't like it because it's annoying, I don't care. It's also annoying to me. I can't change it if you don't like me for it, I, it, it does not bother me. Yeah. But if you don't like me for it because you perceive me talking a lot to have this other meaning, an arrogant under her and I don't know that loves the sound of their voice.

Correct. Is it? That's where I like the loop and loop and Luke and Loop. Yes. Having a conversation with one of the charity facilitators who is again like us, she's one of the talks too much, fills the gap, doesn't realize then zones out, time blindness comes back round, been talk, dominating a conversation for half an hour.

With that, even realizing I was saying it's really interesting. There is one particular A DHD content creator who really pushes the point of sometimes the best ideas come out of the quietest person in the room and nobody should dominate a conversation. You should try and encourage the quieter people to speak and that.

Is absolutely true. There should be space for feedback in different forms. Mm-hmm. Where people are more comfortable to express themselves and people like you and I literally rambling because we are nervous and trying to fill the gap because nobody else is talking. The bit where it falls down is that what you are not seeing is that the way that we talk and the way that we communicate, the way that we express ourselves with our hands, with eye gesture, with whatever that some people will say is either aggressive attention seeking and too much.

Yes, abrasive. I've gotten that a lot that that is how a DHD presents in us. So to then be like, they're too much, they're talking too much, they're, they're full of themselves. They think they've got so much to say that they're overpowering, overbearing. Yeah. You know, all of that stuff. Yeah. That is actually ableist because this is how A DHD presents in us.

Yeah, that's true. Laura. You know? Yeah. It's a, and I can't believe three years down the line. And two years on from the too much tour. I still get that kind of thing. You know, I understand that some people have, uh, misophonia and my voice is really annoying. I put a really silly sound when I was doing the alienation tour.

I put a silly sound on the, on, no, no, no, on the actual podcast about joining the community, and it was a canal spaceship coming down, and someone was like, this is not suitable for the a h ADHD community. I was like, what do you mean? Like, misophonia? That's a really, you know, offensive so sound. I was like, fuck, I didn't even think of that because I'm not saying that I am for everybody.

All I've done in this space is document my experiences. I miss, I, I missed something. I missed a piece of information. But also even if you, and the perception is that I did that on purpose. On purpose, or that I'm a bitch for doing that, and it's like, no, I just didn't think it through and I missed a step as I often do with how the condition presents in me.

You know what I mean? But to your point about it's everything presents differently in everybody with misophonia. That sound could really mess with somebody and the next person, it not be the sound that bought. So even if you were being sensitive to that specific part, well this is it. You still couldn't, like, I don't know why, but if my husband chews, I'm gonna kill everybody.

I've never, we've spent a lot of time together, literal, I don't even know what sounds like when you eat food, maybe you don't chew up. Craig and I have almost got divorced over it so often. I mean, really it gets pretty bad in the house. He gets annoyed about how I eat Chris, and I've never thought once about the way you eat.

Fuck am I gonna do, just put them in my mouth and no, I give him a look. Give fucking Chris. I'm gonna crunch it. No, no, this is, I give, he'll be eating verse that like this and he's eating his dinner. I'll just, and I'll put one finger like this. Oh. Because I don't wanna say, and I'll put my hair to the other side because if I say something he'll kick.

So I'm like, just slowly. So what I mean is I would not say I have this particular condition, but there are the sound of ironing when he iron. Maybe it's just him. Just kidding. But like, there are certain sounds that really freak me out and make me feel like I wanna gag and, and oh, God creeps me out. But that alien one was not one of them.

Yeah. There, so, so what I mean is, is even if you are as sensitive as you can be in every capacity. Different things present differently in everybody if you put ironing on it. I'm gonna gag Yeah. The sound. Oh, just the thought is freaking me out. That's so, yeah, I know. I don't, I, yeah. So anyway, I'm trying to think.

You can't win. I'm think of a sound that I can't bear. I don't like it when people yawn and talk, but that is, that's also visual because I'm hearing impaired and I have auditory processing disorder, so quite a lot of my communication is lip reading and I don't realize how much. Yeah. So if you are gonna just fucking yawn and then talk.

Keep it up to me. Keep it up. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So yeah, it is a hard, but that's the Yeah. But I, I would, I would like to argue on air. Your work is well documented enough that if you may have a misstep, it's not like a, gee, you know what I've thought about this and big F you to this. Condition or this thing, it's just a mistake.

Well, you would hope so. You would hope so. I'm just throwing that out there. But you know what? Into the world, what I think it's really, really interesting. Well, actually, let's backtrack. So how do we learn? We learn through making mistakes. And I would say now, especially somebody who has recently lost their mother, sorry to get the violins out, but it does literally sit over me at all times.

I mean, it happens. I think at some point it will ease off a little bit. But you know, you realize as parents, they want to tell you, you know, do well at school. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Mm-hmm. And wouldn't that be wonderful? We can even see it in situations with friends if they're in a relationship and you're like, he's not right for you, or they're not right for you.

Yeah. I've seen this before. Please try and protect yourself. That's not how the world works. You don't just get to learn from somebody else's mistakes. Yeah, you can try and take advice, but you still have to learn. You have to apply it to yourself. Yeah. You have to learn for yourself. Now, I know when I started out doing this podcast, my main.

Aim was to start a campaign. Mm-hmm. And I still haven't done the campaign that I wanted to do three years later, but a lot of other things has come from it. On the too much story I talked about Aika George's, uh, how to be an activist book, blah, blah. Yeah. Right. I still made all of the mistakes. I tried so hard not to fall into the pitfalls of it.

No, that's not how it works. Alex, from a DHD Chatter, he said. You know, he started a hundred businesses or 50 businesses, whatever it is, and 48 of them failed. Yeah. You only land through making mistakes. And I know that now. So I'm going into, now this, if you haven't listed this podcast before, the work of this podcast, the community that support it and the live event led to creating a charity called A-D-H-D-F plus.

I am the founder of it, but I'm currently trying to figure out what my job role is because imposter syndrome will not let me call myself a CEO because I'm a bum mate. Uh, so whatever the hell I am, I know that I'm make loads of mistakes. I know I will. I'm okay with it. Like I do the most A DHD things to eradicate the shame.

And you would expect in a space where all I talk about is my raging, A-D-H-D-I really am A DHD af. I'm severe combined type. It impacts every aspect of my life to the point that I can't drive to the point, this is the longest job I've ever had. Mm-hmm. Like, it really, really negatively impacts my life.

Every second of every day, you would think people would cut me some slack and give me a bit of a break, but as we both know, it's that never been the case. It's really not. And on top of that, now as a charity act, I've, I've also witnessed from another aspect that people can be very skeptical of charities or, you know, really look at them like, you've got a dodgy game.

This, that's an honest thing. Yes. Yeah. Okay. And so actually, I'm being perceived all the time and it's so interesting. You really have to prove yourself. Yes. You, you have to prove yourself innocent. What's it innocent before proven guilty? You are suspected of being guilty and you have to now prove you're innocence.

Yes. In that same, same way. It's it's, it's really interesting when we started, so we've got five peer support groups. Yes. Um, and there's more coming. So at the moment there are free A DHD adult support groups for A DHD, adults of marginalized genders. Wherever you are at in your A DHD discovery or diagnosis, there is no a medical diagnosis necessary.

No. If you're just interested, if you think you've got it, you can come along. Right. And we've got those in Aberdeen, Edinburgh, London, Manchester, and Birmingham. And somebody absolutely came for me on social media. And so perception is, and people, they are very, they come down hard on you and that is obviously an experience that that person has had.

Time and time again that they're at their last fuse with it and they were like, and that, and they just found it on. Yeah. Bang down on my head. And that's, and that's what's quite difficult for me at the moment, again, tiny violins, is that my capacity yes. Is not at your cup, is already overflowing. So yeah.

So now I have to kind of try and put boundaries and systems in place to best support myself because every other day I'm really horribly depressed and grief and a message like that. I don't want anybody to worry. I have got a lot of support around me and we have a board of trustees that I'm not on, you know, the charities in safe hands, but the bits that I'm doing, I have to kind of safeguard myself a bit in it because yeah, I'm just doing my best.

It is really, really interesting and frustrating because really all that would take is like a side note. Hey. Have you thought about this? Yeah, I, I'm, I think this venue might be better. Yeah. Let me give you a hand. Like, it's never, it's always a perception of like, yeah, there's something untoward or I, and, and I tell you now, I missteps all the time.

You know, you say, I've got back to everybody who's wished me a happy birthday. I do it instantly. I know. 'cause if I don't, it will be gone. I know. And then the perception is that I'm an ungrateful bitch and that you don't care. Yeah. So I have to get straight back on it. I'd say the only positive, apart from the fact that she isn't suffering that has come from my mom dying, is that finally, even three years on from, from figuring out that what this thing is that makes my life so, so difficult on the daily, I've finally found a different level of self-compassion.

And that is. I know that I'm doing my best. I've always been doing my best in every single thing that I've done. I often get it wrong. I often miss a step. And some days my, my best looks different to other days because that's how A DHD works. I know now really know now that I am giving everything my best shot.

So the new mantra that just fell into me out of nowhere was, well, I've done my best and that's enough. Not in Barbie terms, I am enough, but like it has to be a fucking enough. It does. It has to be because it's all I got. You know? You can't do more than what you have. And also that's a very fluctuating thing.

Yeah. I said to Laura, we were talking about this yesterday, every year my birthday, I have a, my own new year resolution and my birthday's in November. So it kind of, the year is winding down anyway. And, um, I've done this around a decade. Unfortunately, I don't write them down or any of the progress from it because that would be incredible and I didn't do it, so Oh, wow.

But this year, uh, my new year resolution was to not beg to be loved. And so I said that to her. I was like, well, what is yours? And she was like, immediately, this is your, your one? Yeah, because I'd literally thought of it just a couple of days before was just like, I was worrying about this and maybe I should this, and maybe, you know, because everything that I've done, I, I can, I can kind of pimp myself out to the press.

So I'll go, right, I'll write to these newspapers and I'll try and get on this radio station. I'll try and get on this podcast and I can do it. And it's just been like, I don't have the capacity, I don't have the capacity to do it, so I'm gonna promote, we are gonna start small, we are gonna hone exactly what we've got.

We are gonna, you know, promote it very organically. Because actually that's what I have the capacity to do. And that has to be enough. It has to be enough. It has to, 'cause you could get me on what? BBC Scotland. I mean, I wouldn't freeze, but I would probably be masking my tits off and it might take a lot, you know, away from me as a result.

So I've just had to tread very, very carefully. And that has to be okay. It has to. Yeah. 'cause there's no other option. No, and also I said to you yesterday that there is none of this if you're not there. Yeah. Like I know the charity is its own entity, but you are still the, the center, the, the middle of it.

All of the, of the tornado. So if you are not able to create, to produce, to give of any capacity, then all of this stops. So you are currently giving a hundred percent, but that is gonna look different than what a hundred percent was a year ago. Yes. A Oh good. I was gonna say a hundred percent. Hundred. And, and what it'll look in a week like Yeah.

Grief or not that kind of thing fluctuates. But obviously right now you are in a period where so much else is taking up of your time. Uh, your energy, your mental capacity, your emotional capacity. Yeah. That's, that's also moving also all of these things. So you are still giving a hundred percent Yes. It's just a different version of what a hundred percent is and that's it.

It is getting off your case. 'cause there's things like, so the big A DHD fundraiser, Laura, a year ago would literally be on it. I would've made a million ki clips, a million posters. I would've done a weekly episodes plus bonuses, plus whatever. And Laura this year can't do it. No. And so I have to like, Darren's fine.

That's okay. I have to not feel guilty about it because I am doing my best. Yes. And that has to be enough. Yeah. And then it's also your own perception of yourself, of what is your best and what is your greatest. Yeah. And I also wanted to come back to that and talk about positive perceptions, because it doesn't always have to be, I'm sure.

Well, I'll give you a second to think about it, but I've had a lot of people say things to me of how they perceive me. And I, I'm working really hard on not brushing them off. I've had the same job for a few years now, but I work remotely, and so I don't have a lot of like face-to-face time with my colleagues.

Mm-hmm. So sometimes they'll say stuff to me that's really nice. I mean, they're, it's a, I please, I, I, I'll die in this job. I've never had better a job in my life. Um, and I'm like, what? Like we had a training like a year and a half ago, it's like an unconscious bi bias EDI type training. And I don't really remember what the context was, but I think we were talking about something about confidence, whatever.

I don't know what I said, but my colleague turned out and he was like. What are you not confident about? Yeah. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, I, I know I don't know you that well, but I, I just can't imagine you ever like second guessing yourself or being n And I was like, like the joke was like, I'm just reading.

I'm just really loud. Which is true. I am really loud and I talk a lot. Yeah. But I was like, I don't really know this man all that well. He was pretty new to the company. We only interact mostly over email. Really? Mm-hmm. And so for him to have this perception of me, he's like, gosh, I just never. I'm like, oh, okay.

Yeah, I think so. There is another side of it. Yeah. I think confidence is such an interesting one. That was one I got called a lot when we first went on tour. It's like Laura's confident and she stands there and she speaks. I'm just like, you're like gagging. You're like, do you know that this is just fueled by rage?

Yeah. There is just a sensitivity. I need to say these fucking words. Hear me? Like that's all there was. And then feeling uncomfortable in making people sad. So having to bring in an entertainment element to try and be like, so I'm really angry. Sorry though. Let's sing Dolly Parton. You know? Uh, for you, for me, a big part of confident.

I am a, I would say overall I'm a confident person in a lot of ways, which is then when I'm not confident, I can understand how that would be so confusing if you know me. In like the way that I, I'm confident in the way that I look. So I will dress in a way that's like spark pro, spark sparkly. Alright. Eye catching, teasing, uh, what, what can I say?

You know? So I'll just dress out. I wanna dress or I'll wear a certain makeup or I'll, I used to have blue hair. I, you know, all these things that are physically attention catching that I really don't care. But there's a lot of things that I'm not, but like, one of the parts that I try to explain to people, so a lot of things that I have seemed confident in is because I don't really know any better.

Yeah. And so a lot of times I will say things off the cuff that people are like. Wow. Yeah, look at her. She doesn't care what anybody thinks. She'll speak her mind. She'll say what? Everyone's afraid to say. No. It just fell out of my face. No, it's, it's not even like that. It's like I didn't know. So I, I, I'm really working on something I talk about in therapy is like, I really miss when I didn't know any better.

Yeah. Because I would do, I mean, it's embarrassing after the fact, really embarrassing a lot of the time. But in the moment I didn't know that it was a faux pa or I didn't know. And now I'm too, I've eaten from the tree of good and evil or now, you know, and now I know stuff, so I can't really, 'cause now I'm like, oh gosh, was that one of those times that I did that thing where I said this, the first, remember that comes to my head is when I first went to uni, it's really different in America, the system.

Um, but I didn't wanna go to uni. My parents wanted me to go and they sort of did the process for me, and I just went along with it is the very short version. Mm. So I went to this uni that I really wasn't well suited for and I ended up leaving. Um, and so I was in some sort of a small group with Freshers where they make everybody, you know, get to know each other something.

And they went round and was like, why are you here? Like, what drew you here? Yeah. And they had a really good nursing program, so a lot of people were like, well, I wanna be a nurse, and, you know, oh, my older sibling went here, or whatever, right? Mm-hmm. All these different reasons. And I was like, well, I'm like, well, um, I applied to a different school that I really wanted to go to and I didn't get in there.

And my, and that really sucked. And my parents wanted me to go here, so I guess I'm here. And my, my dorm, my roommate who shared dorms, I remember her giving me a look, and I remember recognizing the look, but not really knowing what it was for. So her perception is like, oh, she thinks she's so good to be here.

Yes. Yeah. And I'm just an asshole. Yeah. And it, but I, so I remember her looking at me and being like, Nicole, what is wrong? Why would you say that out loud? Like inside thought, babe. Yeah. And I did. It just didn't even, I was also 17, so I give myself a lot of, it's silly. It's silly. It silly. Yeah. No, but it's a good example.

But I think about it and I'm like, you know, I didn't get into my first choice that really sucked and now I'm here. It was very much like that. So, and that tone of voice and this body language. 'cause I was disappointed and it did not occur to me that this is somebody else's first choice. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think about, and I don't know if she pulled me aside later or it just clicked with me eventually, but it was like that kind of thing. Yeah. Where you would, where I would say something and you'd be like, Jesus, she's not worried that anybody's gonna, and I literally did not know any better.

Yeah. And then once I started to know better, I was like, oh my God, somewhere someone is telling a story about the time this girl said that it sucked that she had to go to this uni instead of this uni. And so I started to get really freaked out about all of the times. Yeah. That I've done this sort of thing.

And people are thinking, and I so like that's what the perception, that makes me me secret. But that, but it's a minefield, right? It's an absolute minefield. You can't wait. You literally can't wait. So this morning we were talking about how you needed to email somebody. Yes. You needed a piece of information from somebody.

Oh, yeah. You wanted them to tell you the available dates that they had. Yes. They came back to you and said, can you tell me when you want to book this thing? And you were frustrated, which then I piped up and I'm always on your side, but just because this is the specific problem that one of the many that you, yeah.

Specific problems that I'm dealing with very full on at the moment with this lack of capacity is that I'm not saying that I need to be wrapped up in cotton wool and have my hand held and walk through everything, but I do need people to be very kind and very concise. That is what I have the class.

Short and sweet. Short and short, right? Short and sweet. A lot of people email me. I love to hear from you. A lot of people message me on social media, on all platforms all times of the day. And what I need is for people to just tell me what they want because that is all I have the capacity for. Yeah. So I had a person email me and they just listed their accomplishments.

What are you supposed to do with that? I just said, uh, congratulations. That all sounds really incredible. Would you like to be on the podcast or would you like to volunteer to help the charity? Or is it just an FYI, tell me the point. What is this? Yeah, what's the point? What do you need? Because I don't have the capacity.

I, I don't trust myself to read between the lines because I'm not firing at my best. Even then, it's not our best suit and I just need you to give me a hand. What, what am I missing? What do you need? And if I can't do it, please don't hate me. 'cause I'm really doing my best. Yeah. Shortened. You know what else?

It was something you said that I forgot that I just remembered when you talked about making mistakes. Sorry, left turn, but so on topic. No, I think it is very brave to willingly allow yourself to make mistakes. And that is something that I am not very good at, that I'm work, I'm actively working on allowing myself.

'cause it feels like you're walking into a fire. And so when you talked about, 'cause you were saying how, um, a DH ADHD chatter was like, oh, I had to do like 40 businesses to one step. And, and you are like, you know that you're gonna make mistakes with the charity. You're gonna do it anyway. Yeah. I have already have, you know, but so to know that you're going in, because I think for so many of us, A DHD or not, I think it's a pretty universal experience.

You know, this fear, not even like fear of failure, but fear of unknown. Fear of, um, what you're even walking into to know that you are walking into something. Where you haven't got all your ducks in a row and you haven't Well, no. It's a very brave thing I've never done before. We'll get things wrong and we'll be judged through the, I have a frigging needle and doing it anyway, I think is in really a break.

'cause people like, I think people use the word brave, you know, who am I Tell people what to say. But I know you've been called brave in a lot of ways and I've been called brave in a lot of ways. Yeah. And I'm just like, babe, I'm just yapping. I'm just, you're just pissed. You're just, just furious. Right. But this is brave Laura.

This is like some like, right. So someone would be like, wow, Laura, you're so brave to stand on a stage and tell this story. And you're like, what? Just yapping. Yeah. Just have a microphone on. Yeah. What, what, what is, because to them it might be, but to you it's very normal. Yeah. Which is another really good point that my therapist will bring up to me that like, the things that you are skill in and the things that you have as a strength, we discount our own strengths because they seem very normal.

Yeah. I'll go completely. Uh, so I'm often, um, co, well, I'm often complimented on. Not, not that I speak so much, but that I'm able to articulate myself in a way. Yeah. Or all of these, and I'm like, I'm literally just talking. Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah, but not everybody can do that. So I discount that as a scale, as a thing.

So I think when it comes to being brave for sitting up on a stage, you're like, ah, but this is a brave thing. You'll have this And the, and the thing is, and the thing is, I am so envious of everyone else that can drive, that can manage a bank account that has a CV that says things that are actually linked in some way and have some kind of linear, you know, I am so jealous of all of those things that like.

That's interesting actually. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but the words that we were about to pull out was, I'm so jealous of all of those things that it's sort of, oh, this is horrible. It might make me cry. I never even said this. I'm so jealous of all of those things that it doesn't matter what I do.

I'm always gonna feel like a piece of shit, but in comparison, 'cause it's just like I can't manage, excuse me, really basic things. Me. So I, so I think that's the way I see it. Sorry that went Laura far too deep. But like if I'm going to drown in RSD and struggle like mad and probably be a stressed mess all in my eyes out and broke.

If I was working at a supermarket or working in a pub, then I might as well use my time well, because people are dying and suffering on waiting lists that they might not even get to, and they're lucky to be on, and I'm lucky to be here. So if I'm going to suffer the way that I am going to suffer for the rest of my life, I might as well make my life fucking worth it.

And that's why I do what I do. I want you to read this. What does this say? Comparison is a thief of joy. I know. I 'cause that is what you, I don't even know where that came from. I, I've never said that. But that is obviously deep inside of you. Yeah. And so that is, I think, a very interesting point that you just made because I known before is that comparison.

It was never enough. Like it was never enough shows are enough. Podcast episodes or enough numbers or whatever. 'cause it's in comparison to what? Somebody who's a CFO or somebody who went to this prestigious uni. Yeah. Or just that. I never, I just thought that part of that was low self-worth. The major drive was how needed that the awareness is and how much help people need.

But also my terrible, um, my lack of ability with numbers. I was just like, well, these numbers on the screen don't mean anything to me. 'cause I don't fucking understand numbers. I don't know if that says 3000, 30 million, 300,000. I don't, I can't quantify it. I can read numbers and peculiar and, and dyspraxia and all the rest of it that I can't, those numbers don't mean anything.

But actually, you know, when I, when I sit around and people talk about. You know, their taxes or their car insurance or their, all of these really fucking normal things. And I'm sat there like, oh yeah, that, yeah, yeah. Council tax and all the things that I sought out. Absolutely. You know, it, it does always make me feel really inferior, so I just feel like what I'm doing is, is meeting a desperate need to, to use the rest of my life that I'm lucky to have to help make it worthwhile.

Yeah. Whereas I know that I'm always gonna be really inept in every other situation, but then I want you, I wanna challenge you to go back to what you were just saying about that your best is enough. Yes. Because actually that feeling that you just described is counterintuitive. Oh, good. Completely the best and, and literally that my best has to be enough, which hit me like three days ago at best, four days ago is the first time I've ever thought that.

And so that is why it's been a really, really nice thing. To, to turn 42 in horrible circumstances. Um, to actually go, oh no, I've come really far. I have actually got something to come into this year with to go, actually, that's really, that's a big deal because all of those, when we were talking in the beginning about that RSD and intrusive thoughts and negative thoughts and negative bias about ourselves and our surroundings is that evidence.

And to actually now sit there and go, no, I'm not fucking doing that this time. I know I've done enough. Is, is huge. And that is also a lot of growth and maturity. Oh, I'm so mature. Well, like, you know, I think it. This is, this is not a tattoo that I have, but was gonna be instead of the compare. So if you're listening, I have a tattoo that says, comparison is a thief of joy.

So when Laura said that, I like pulled down my shirt and I was like, read this. Yeah. Unfortunately I put it on my shoulder, which was silly 'cause I don't see it. But there's, um, I, if I wasn't gonna get that, I was gonna get one that says, it takes courage to grow up and become the person that you truly are.

Which is the, I'll get that one eventually. Um, because it is a very brave, courageous thing to grow into yourself and not the person that you are, you feel like you should be. Yes. What you should do, what you are expected to do. It is a very, it is again, an act of defiance. It is so courageous to just exist in the way that you are.

Yes. Yeah. And it's very hard because you think that you should be somebody else or you look at what other people are doing and you're like, okay, well I'm not doing it like that. Obviously they've got it right and I've got it wrong. There's no universe. Where my way was the, the smart, clever way of doing things.

Yeah. And they're all the dummies because that's just wouldn't be, and you know as well, it is about standards. You know, when all of the other A DHD podcasts came along, that now is the standard expected level. So, you know, studio mics. Clips edited all the reels, all the everything, all the reach, you know, in the world.

That was really, really hard to take in the beginning. And then I realized like, this is literal madness. It was hard enough carrying on and doing this on my own. I'm now comparing myself to podcasts with massive budgets. Yeah, teams of five to 10 people, lighting, editing, social media, all of this stuff. And it's just me.

And for a good fucking while there not I really gave it my best shot to do all of those things. It's just one person. It's just like, this is ridiculous. I do my bit, I do my bit, and that has to be enough and there, and it has to be enough because there's no other option. But you can, if you can allow yourself to step back you, I know that you can see the impact.

It's sometimes hard to, you know, if you're very zoomed in to all the tiny minute details. It is very hard, but if you allow yourself to step back, you can see, oh, I know the, I can see the, the legacy of it. I can see the impact, especially not just stepping back because as I said, the numbers and the whatever and everything else, it, it doesn't filter in.

But it's more when I look at individuals and I can see that my work has directly impacted an individual. Yeah. You know, um, for example, I know, I know she won't mind. Um, I will double check though. Like Ruth, um, yeah. Is is co-facilitating the London A-D-H-D-F plus charity support group. I'm gonna say again one more time.

It is, the charity is separate to the podcast. Yes. It's just, I can use this space to promote the events and fundraise for the charity. Mm-hmm. But they are, they are two separate entities. Ruth was really struggling with addiction, which is a really common co-occurring condition of, of A DHD, finding out the answers through the podcast, finding community, body doubling, accountability, self-worth validation.

She literally credits this podcast, this, this podcast, the community from it. The whole, the whole shebang. Yeah. As saving, not just changing, but saving her life. And she's now empowered through the charity to be facilitating her own support group to pass that on while she is still two and a half years later, two and a half years later, while she is still on a never ending NHS waiting list, she is self-diagnosed.

That means absolutely everything to me in the absolute world. And that is what I have to bring it back to is individual people because yes, on, on a wider scale, I can't, I can't even, and also you can't, you can't know your wider impact. Yeah. Um, you can't know the wider perception no. Of good or bad, but you can know that there's that story and the next story.

And the next story and the next story. And. Read the comments and the dms and the this and the people who always sent this to my mom on the, my mom, even on the daily, you know, there's been times we've talked on here about, um, the body doubling, so there's daily body doubling Yes. On, on the, in the patron community at different times of day and different things going on.

And as I said, I struggle with hearing sometimes, you know, I will come off a call and I'll be like. Did the, did I hear that right? Was that ordinary person sort? Did I, did I just dismiss somebody who's told me something really awful because I thought they said something else and my RSD goes into overdrive.

And so it's like in every single interaction, in every single email, in every single dm, in every single comment, in every single person you look at in the eyes as you walk past her in the tree, every single second of every day, the RSD, it eats away. Yeah. And it's, it is a job to manage. And I know so many people that would say that the RSD, those really shit daydreams is the hardest bit.

Because you can, you can have accountability, you can set alarms, you can try embody, that's not to say it kills it. You can have medication, you can have, you can, but in any single second of any given day. A little text message, a little word, a little glance, a little whatever would just go boom. Yeah. Knock you off your feet, you know?

Yes. It's very hard. There's no quirky little life hack for not wondering if the thing that I said is the reason that this person left me on red and said they'd come to my birthday and didn't come. And then the historical narrative of a lifetime of not knowing, et cetera, of, remember the time I said that thing at uni when I was 17?

They all hate you. They all fucking hate you. They all know you're a massive fraud. Never leave the house again. And on that note, no, I'm joking. We're gonna leave the house today. We got dressed. Genuine takeaways are, be mindful of your own expectations of yourself and of others. Yes. So we're saying especially the unspoken expectations.

Exactly. Try to be mindful and really observe. The expectations that you are putting on yourself and others. Don't set yourself a trap. Don't set yourself or anybody else up in a trap. And we all know that nobody would intentionally do that, but try and be mindful of those historical patterns of behavior and just see if there is space for, for, for just easing off on the expectations a little bit.

Yeah. And if you have expectations, yes, we can say treat other people as you would want to be treated, right? So for example, you could throw somebody a really big birthday and then the expectation that you have is, I've shown you how I do birthdays. Now you do this for me. I feel very seen by that. That's exactly what I would do for some, for somebody like me, and then it doesn't happen.

I love Nicole. I love the bones of Nicole and Nadler. I know your birthday's in November, so I guess I think that your birthday is on. Don't tell me. I'm gonna go with the second, third, or seventh of se, of November the fourth, right in the middle. Do you see what I mean? It's, so this is exactly what we're talking about.

I would want to celebrate your birthday. I cannot retain that information. Yeah. So what that would require is, and I will obviously put a note in my calendar, I know it's November, right? Is that we make other plans, or you tell me, or we say, I actually rang you. I was in Abi on your birthday. I was happy birthday.

I was like, I didn't put anything on social. She was like, did you do it? I was like, no, it's fine. I'm in a hot tub in a, in a place. It's, you're fine. And it was just very funny. Yeah. But that's it. So let's, let's be, if we, as a community, we require reasonable adjustments in society, we are trying to raise awareness to open doors so that we can be best supported in society and live in a world that works for A DHD adults.

Mm-hmm. As well as everybody else. So then. Let's give each other a break. Yeah. And actually make reasonable adjustments for the people in our lives. Let's walk them through it. You can, yeah. And get like, like, like I'm saying about the email. Be, be kind. Be concise. Do you need something from me? Please tell me what it is.

Please ex, please assume that I'm gonna be so wrapped up in my grief or so busy and upset that I can't even read your email properly. Tell me what it is. That's what we need in our personal relationships is like, yes, we want people to, to give us the validation and show us the love that we feel we deserve.

But sometimes life circumstances divergence. And, and, and the, and the symptoms of time blindness or any of that business can mean that, that we actually need to be walked through it. So walk the people in your life through the things that you need. Explain what your expectations are. Two, not just be compassionate and supportive of the people in your life, but also to hack your own really shit daydreams.

Let's not look for the negativity to go see they fucking hate you. Well, because also there's a, let's, let's hack that by telling people what we actually fucking hate. There's also an addiction to the negativity. Yes. It is a, it is notifying, it's a scientific you, the negativ bias. Oh, it's delicious. I just wanna sit in an all day sometimes.

'cause it feels so good to, but it doesn't. As soon as you come out of that cloud, there is so much destruction behind you. Yeah. Like in the moment, it's consuming this person. Some people do get their dopamine from confrontation. Oh not me, nevermind. I hate that from, from, yeah. The negativity of like, everybody hates me in this.

This blanket of rejection that you can shroud yourself in. We, because we have to be, we have to understand that we have a DHD, likely people in our family have a DHD, likely people in our close friendships, relationships in any form also have it. So it is not just you with the A DHD show. So we have to lead by example and say, okay, this person, it is going to forget things or misunderstand things.

This person is gonna be late or forget a date, et cetera. And you know what, Laura? There is an expectation in that, which, for example, I did not post anything on social media for my birthday link up to my birthday. I didn't want to. So I know that you are very good. If I did not hear from you on the day of my birthday, I would not have been like.

Laura never my mom or my dad. I have a re they were there when I came out. I have a reasonable expectation that they would, which is a whole nother thing we won't even get into. We're already an hour, but, so there are, so like in this situation, I did not ask to be born. No. It's the most non-consensual thing that can happen to you.

That's a whole different podcast. I have a whole hour's worth of that material too. But what I'm saying is, is like we are very good friends. If I did not hear from you on the day of my birth, of which I didn't invite you to a party 'cause I didn't have one. Yeah. I didn't, I didn't do anything leading up to it.

'cause I didn't want to. I would not be like, wow, Laura obviously hates me. And she is right to, because you're a piece of shit. Right? I right like that, honestly for me, because I don't have, so you kind of need to give a little bit of a leeway of the expectation of the people in your life sometimes too.

Yes, absolutely. In the opposite way. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. So it's about compassion and, and, and expectations for yourself, for others to best support everybody within it. Correct. To best support your mental health and wellbeing, your personal relationships, their mental health and wellbeing, and not feeding the really shit daydreams.

Yeah. And that's not to say, oh, that tick, tick, tick, tick. You're fucking right. Like I'll do that this afternoon. As I said, my A DHD is on fire right now, so I'm constantly having to go back and say, is that really true? Why are you thinking about that thing? Did that fucking thing even happen? Or have you just hurt your own feelings by winding yourself up about hypothetical situations that has never fucking happened every day, every day again.

Um, so we've talked about the fringe benefits of grief that I finally got off my own case. She says, whilst drowning in self-loathing, but we'll get there step by step. What I do wanna say is that we are gonna be back together again in August. Yes. So if, if you've enjoyed this episode, first of all, if you've enjoyed this episode.

God. God, I'm, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. For existing, I'm sorry for, sorry for how inseparable. We're sorry that my mom bore me one time and then

you, this episode, please let us know, hit the comments, write a review, all that business because it will help other people in this hell of a difficult time for a grieving girl. To catch a break with all these amazing podcasts with their studios and their editing and their everything else, please hit share.

Hit comment, hit those stars and please tell us. If you would not like to hear about how we did not consent to be fucking born, I have so many thoughts. Please, can you tell us what we should talk about? Yeah. When we are next together in August? Yes. 'cause we'll do more of this because we talk so much shit.

We might as well record it. Yeah. And it might be helpful to somebody. We hope at least one bit of the nonsense that we talk has been helpful to you. But if you've found it helpful, let us know what you've found helpful and any of your own grief hacks, thoughts and feelings, RSD hacks, anything like that, let us know.

And I'd also like to say, uh, two more things. I know this is gonna be really long, but I've got, it was never, not gonna be really long. Not be long. I've actually forgotten what one of those. Start with the one and get to the one. Gosh, I haven't done that. The whole episode. One of them is Okay. Got it. As I've said, capacity.

I'm at capacity, but I don't want you to worry. I'm not on a one way road to burnout. I have got a lot of support. I'm speaking to a couple of coaches. I have a therapist, and I'm about to start a support group local to me, not as in head one up as in I'm gonna go to a peer support group to get support for grief, and it's by the Good Grief Charity, and it's down the road.

Yeah. So I'm gonna go and I'm gonna do all of that. So please don't worry, I'm not just escaping my feelings by working harder. I, I do know that I need to be all right to be able to do my job. And now more than ever, my job actually directly impacts people in real life. Yes. So it's really important that I'm well.

So I don't want you to worry about that. But with that said. I don't have the capacity to go as full on as I would've done this time last year with promotion. So I'd really appreciate any support you can give to the charity support groups in sharing them. It doesn't matter if there isn't one local to you.

That's how social media works. If you comment on something, if you share it like you don't know who's in people's extended networks, your friend from down the road might have a best mate in Manchester. You know that, that this is how it works. So if you could help me in any way like that would be greatly appreciated.

If you are in. Aberdeen, Edinburgh, London, Birmingham, or Manchester. If you go onto the A-D-H-D-F plus charity website to the R Groups page, there'll be a link in the blurb of this episode. You can now register interest at those support groups. You don't have to r RSS VP. These are free. There's no admin i I, all the shit that I can't deal with, I've channeled into it.

So nobody needs to SVP and now nobody even needs to remember the date or the time because if all you've got to do is click that register interest link in your chosen group and you will get email reminders. It's no big fancy form the dream, it is nothing. You literally just write your email address in there and you will receive email reminders, which I hope will be helpful to, to help you get there.

And remember that date and time I've finally got out the first newsletter for the charity, um, that went out last week and it's, it's gone out as a newsletter to those that signed up for the newsletter, which you can do on the bottom of the charity website, but it's also gone up as a blog because I realized that actually that's an extra step and some people would like to know the information and might not get that far.

Like myself, I wouldn't sign up for the newsletter. So the, the blog, all of the information is there on the website. We now have an option where you can apply to not just facilitate a group in your local area if you don't have one already local to you, you can also apply to be an ambassador. And that doesn't mean you have to be some big bloody influencer with 50 quillian followers.

You can have five followers. I don't care if we help one person. Yeah. That's with this charity. That's the point. That's the job done. So if you have got. Five minutes or five hours to spare that you could volunteer to help me with anything with admin. Stick a poster up. Anything that you can help, help move course.

Yeah, there's a million different ways you are a photographer, videographer, all sorts of ways that you could help this charity, because our charity's about connecting and empowering A DHD adults of marginalized genders. That goes for the facilitators. That goes for volunteers. Your unique skillset, your passion, the time that you have.

If you would like to volunteer your time, be an ambassador, start a group. Anything, anything. Or just attend a group. Or just attend a group. You can find out all of that information. In the blurb of this episode. You can also get involved in the big A DHD fundraiser. There is an episode all about the big A DHD fundraiser, which is cycling through Scotland, England, and Wales, where we're in the process of setting up peer support groups and they're doing it in LPAR print in honor of our leopard print army, which is the name.

Of the Patreon peer book community and all the listeners of A-D-H-D-F podcast 'cause we are the hands in nepo print. But I have one more thing to say. What is the most a DHD thing you've done this week? Never drink and I've been drinking three whole drinks and it's been crazy. Three drinks? No, I would say not even three drinks.

I would say two drinks because you didn't finish the second two and there is no judgment here. I just don't want whoever it is who's listening to say how disgusting it is. The A DHD and alcohol, and I'm setting a bad example. She had two drinks and there are a lot. Oh, babes had one. I'll tell you what I had, I had one cider, I had a margarita I didn't finish and a cocktail I didn't finish.

And I was fleeing because a DH, ADHD and symptoms can be exacerbated by alcohol. And I cover it at great length throughout this podcast because my dad is a recovering alcoholic. So it's a topic I care very much about. So please don't get it twisted. Don't get it twisted. We are not advocating alcohol. She had, anyway, I had two and a half drinks and I was fleeing through London.

Laura was having a great time observing. The point of that is I woke up this morning like decrepit, like a, like a, like a jaqua actually dinner at a raid. Yeah. I still had glitter. I had glitter everywhere. Like I was like, did I go out bed? I had two and a half Dr. Like what happened? Two and a half drinks and a roast dinner and a roast dinner.

And I was asleep at like 10. Anyway, you were passed out before 10. So that was like, the joke of it was like I hardly drank. I had a roast dinner. I went to bed, uh, before the sunset and I. So Laura's like, oh, I have these really nice face masks with these proper cream face masks. And I was like, oh yeah, let me get one of those.

Let me bring myself back to life. And I put it on and I was like, please, face mask just euthanize me. I was like, wait a second. I don't think, and Laura's like pissing herself. And I'm like, no, no, I don't wanna be euthanized. I want. I wanna be youthful, I wanna be youth, and I'm pretty good with words.

Vocabulary's a good one for me. And I was like, I don't think that, you know, at Princess Bribery, he's like, I don't think that word means what you think it means. I think you meant what you mean. However, youth, and, and I said it like, like, please to the gods euthanize me, but don't I look nice? And the moral of the story is lay off the booze.

The other most, the two and a half dress a day. The other, the, the other most A DHD thing that Nicole has done is, uh, perpetuated the cycle of putting on an Edinburg fringe, deciding she's never gonna do it again. And I'm doing it again. I'm excited and proud. And so just so overjoyed that you're doing it.

Oh, I forgot that I was doing it till you said that for a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, uh, the show is called Exposure Therapy and it's all about fears and perception and it's me exposing myself. Not like that, though. She might. I might, I might. Oh, Jesus. But it's all about, uh, facing your fears. And by your fears, I mean, I am facing your fears.

Yes. Um, so yeah. So anyway, you find Nicole at high heels and heavy suitcases and get all the information about that, but please do join Nicole at the Edinburgh, A-D-H-C-F plus child support. Yes, please. That. If you're anywhere near Edinburgh, you can reach out to me directly if you'd like. Or as Laura said, you can sign up on the info thingy.

It's really cool. It's really chill. I'm really cool. I'm really chill.

And on that note, please let us know. If you've enjoyed this episode, please share it with your friends and please get in touch about the chazz. We love you. Thanks so much for listening.