ADHD and Motivation: What Motivates You?

Your productivity does NOT dictate your worth! That said, I know how distressing it is to struggle with starting and/or completing tasks; especially the ones we want to do!  If you experience similar challenges and inconsistencies with motivation; it is not your fault. This is symptomatic of the condition. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
...And neither am I... I'm joined by the wonderful Gill and Kirsty; two Volunteer Facilitators of ADHDAF+ Charity for a chinwag all about it!

We hope that you can join us to chat about Motivation at your nearest ADHDAF+ Support Group

TRIGGER WARNING: Contains swearing, loud laughter and mentions of sensitive topics including; grief, bereavement, death, mother loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, alcohol and substance addiction, relationship and work struggles, misdiagnosis, cancer and suicide.
If you are struggling, lo siento. You are not alone. Please reach out for help HERE

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Enormous thanks to the Patrreon community for keeping this podcast going for over three years and for inspiring the creation of ADHDAF+

If you would like to join the Community of ADHDAF Podcast listeners from all over the world; you can connect with, lean on and learn from literally like-minded legends for invaluable Peer support HERE

Though the work of ADHDAF Podcast led to the creation of ADHDAF+ Charity, and helps to promote and fundraise for the charity; all things ADHDAF are entirely separate entities.

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Thank you SO MUCH for listening! Please comment/review/share to help others feel more validated and find support!
Laura x
LEOPARD PRINT ARMY!

Photo taken after ADHDAF Bingo in The Bad Bitch Assembly at Camp VC 

Transcript

 Hi, I am Laura and I am A-D-H-D-A-F. Thank you for tuning in. I know there are a lot of other podcasts out there about A DHD these days, and this is pretty different to most. I will admit, this podcast inspired a peer support community, which in turn has inspired the creation of a charity. And this is the second episode in which I focus.

On the topic of this month's charity support groups, so A-D-H-D-F plus charity connects and supports A DHD, adults of marginalized genders in Scotland, England, and Wales. We have monthly free support groups. This month's topic at all of the groups is motivation. Just a little housekeeping before we dive in.

This episode has gone out slightly earlier than planned because the Edinburgh peer support group has moved admittedly to today. I'll come back to that. If you are in the Edinburgh area, and it is Tuesday the 29th of July. 7:00 PM There is a free peer support group at the newsroom, so do go along. No A DHD diagnosis necessary.

And if you've not listened to this podcast before, as I said, it is a little bit different. This podcast is not studio quality. It isn't recorded in a studio. It's recorded over Zoom. Some people have mics, some people don't. The quality is not going to be studio quality, but it's three years of keeping it very real.

The trick is in the title, it is A-D-H-D-A-F. What you're about to hear is three late discovered A DHD, women having a conversation. Often talking over each other, sharing their personal experiences, sometimes very enthusiastically. There will be some laughing, there might be some swearing, and we will cover some triggering topics.

So do have a read of the description in the show notes before listening on. You never know, perhaps one day there might be some A-D-H-D-A-F video podcasting seamlessly produced. But for now, I continue to do the best I can with what I have to get the job done. This is one of the means that I have to spread the word to get the help out to those in need.

I've created this episode so that even if you are not one of the many listeners in Scotland, England, and Wales, who can potentially get to a support group, you can still get the benefit of attending one, to get a feel for what the groups are like, and to hear some of the information from these absolutely legendary volunteers.

I hope you enjoy this matter.

Jill, how are you doing? I'm doing really well. Thank you. Yeah, it's nice to check back out of my day to see your face. Ah, it's always lovely to see yours. You've done how many of the pre peer support groups in Manchester now? So tomorrow will be my third. And they are taking place on the second Wednesday of every month at Lock 91 in Manchester, which is a really central location and opposite one of the railway stations as well.

Really accessible. It's just in its infant state and our group members are already connecting with each other and doing things socially together, which is fantastic. I'm really proud of it. You should be really proud and we're so grateful. That is amazing. So your group has literally just gone from strength to strength, so you literally have connected like-minded locals for peer support.

Really, really have. Yeah. And it's nice for me to meet people as well as part of being a group facilitator. You know, we're a group of people who are all like-minded, so it's fantastic. Um, and there's all opportunities coming outta it and different people giving each other encouragement and support in between those groups as well.

Most sessions, which is lovely to see. So lovely to see. Thank you so much. So Kirsty is a newbie on our team of volunteer facilitators. Hello. I'm Kirsty Ty. I'm based in Oxford. Um, I was diagnosed at 42 42, which was fun. I've wanted to do something like this for ages, mainly because. The thing that really saved me and has really helped me the most has been peer support community.

Having people to talk to about how things affect me and finding out how things affect other people as well. A DHD is, it manifests in so many different ways. It's just been instrumental in me getting myself to a place where I'm feeling like I can. Support other people in a more practical way. You are doing that when and where On the second Wednesday of the month.

So the first group will be August the 13th at Headington Quarry, village Hall in Oxford. Hope people come. I'm so excited to hang on. Jill, you are the second Wednesday of every month as well. So your two groups on same night, Jill. Yeah. Oh, we'll be there. So if it's spiritually somehow connected, giving out the vibes to each other.

Yeah. Yes. Oh, I love it. That's amazing. So Wednesday the 13th of August, both of you. In different parts of of the country and all of our other support groups. That month we'll be talking about A DHD and motivation. This is the second month that a DH, adhd, F plus charity, peer support groups have a topic.

Focus and last month's was masking. This month is about motivation. The big one that so many of us struggle with. I'm gonna be chatting to all facilitators over the coming months. But yeah, just sort of touch on the topic, hear some of your thoughts and feelings. So anybody who isn't local to one of our peer support groups can hear a bit about the topic and sort of experience a bit of what our peer support groups are like.

So. I've kind of got a really weird perspective on it. Since I've been diagnosed, I've responded really, really well to treatment, so I'm on L Vance, and that really helps with my motivation because it helps to quieten the noise in my brain that's telling me I can't do things. Also with my anxiety, which makes me worried about doing things, I still struggle.

With choice paralysis quite often, especially if my hormones, if I'm in that period of the month where my a DG medication doesn't really work, that's particularly rife, but for the most part, I can seem to crack on with the difficult things, however. The other side of the coin for me is that I have noticed, particularly lately, how much I bully myself into doing things still.

So I still use one of my motivators as just self-flagellation, cracking the whip, get on with it for God's sake, get it done. This is gonna be late. You need to do this, but, and it's like there's this kind of negative. Bullying aspects to get me to do things. Luckily, I have got a therapist and a coach, so it's something that I'm working on because I do think maybe a couple of years ago I would've been like, whatever works, right?

But actually we shouldn't be bullying ourselves to do things. I think. How about you, Jill? What, what do you find helps with your motivation? Is it something you struggle with? Oh, I massively struggle with motivation. Um, I have my fingers in many pies. So it's also choice paralysis. What do I start with first?

Am I going to do something to the, to the best of my ability to how I know that I can achieve things? And quite often what the stop is on things and stop myself being motivated because I'm worried about the outcome or the perceived outcome and things like that. My motivation goes up and down like everybody else's in this chat, I'm sure.

And I don't think I, I don't think that I'm bullying myself using self modulation, um, about achieving outcomes and the opposite, I think, I think for many years I've done everything last minute and it's kind of worked out for me. And so my struggle is to try and say to myself, but Jill, one day this won't work out for you.

The last minute approach won't work. You need to get this done. And then I'm crossing myself. Because I physically can't start something unless I'm under a very tight deadline, physically cannot do something. Um, it's almost like that the third state of being, there's like mental paralysis, physical paralysis, and this weird state that I made where if I don't have a deadline, if I don't have a consequence, if it's not last minute.

I just can't do it. I just can't do it. Yeah. You know, there's nothing of it. Deadline needs to me breathing. Yeah. Down your neck to be able to get cracking. I think it's really interesting what you said, like obviously as somebody with fingers in lots of pies as well. I wonder if part of that, like we need the novelty obviously to be doing different things and being pulled in different directions.

But it's interesting that within that you've kind of put more pressure on yourself deadline wise, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it's so interesting and I tried to explain it to my husband a lot, and he's brilliant and he listens to me and, you know, tried to understand it, but I just, I just said to him, it's, it's not a physical pain and it's almost not something that I can feel physically stopping me, but I just cannot get that motivation.

It just doesn't matter to how much I talk about it, how much I explain to people, how much I know the consequences. Um, might be because. I've almost always got away with it, so my, there's no, there's no negative motivation. Something that I have started doing recently though, is I've started doing things for future Jill, so I've got a future Jill, we'll be happy if you do the washing up before bed, future, Jill will be happy and in the morning very much past Jill.

I just come into a nice, clean kitchen, so, but that's a novelty thing at the moment. I'll probably forget to do that at some point and future. Jill will be just left. I'm wondering, I'm quite stressed and burned out with having to have that deadline. So having to feel the pressure to be able to get it done.

Do you feel then perhaps all that pressure and that stress does make you lean towards burnout? Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. And I do, yeah. I'll have period where I'm really, really focused, really driven, and then I crash. And then I'll crack and I'll have days where I just need to retreat and hiate and sleep.

And I really think that there's two types of motivation here that I'm talking about as well, because I can be really motivated to engage in a project to engage with people or buy something or do something that's fired up on my dopamine receptors and makes me really excited to do it. But even that will still be a last minute thing even that will be my plan's the last minute.

I don't look at the emails. Until last minute, last Saturday, I was going out with all my friends for my annual birthday night out. We've had it planned all year. Thanks very much. Got it planned all year. We're all going to, has the end of classical at Castlefield, absolutely fantastic. And something else came up and I didn't want to miss it, so I kept saying, well, I've got the ticket.

I'll definitely come and I'll come, but I won't stay as long and I'll go somewhere else afterwards, which I did. At no point was I motivated enough to download my ticket onto my phone because I usually do that last minute. Why would it ever go wrong? I got to the gates and I've forgotten to buy a ticket.

Now, that could have gone terribly wrong. Luckily it wasn't a sellout. But even that, getting up in the morning knowing that I'm going somewhere, that excites me, that I'm enthusiastic about that I've moved hell and high water to get to despite something else coming up. I still wasn't motivated enough to open C tickets and download my ticket ahead of going.

And it could have been, that's really, yeah, me stood there crying. So familiar. Yeah. There's kind of a sweet spot. I think for me it has to be last minute enough that I've, there's no wiggle room. Yes. I have to start for now. There's no choice. You've seen this on morning body doubling there. It has to get to a point where I have no choice but to start because if I don't, it's not gonna happen.

And it will always be skin in my teeth, seat of my pants. The thing is, and I think this has been to do with changing hormones, one of the things I've noticed is that. I now find it harder to not get anxious, so the anxiety sometimes takes over and then I end up squashed in this horrible little box of can't start, but by the time I'm ready to start, the anxiety is too much and I'm paralyzed.

Task paralysis. And how do you find the balance? I hate that word by the way. Medication helped me massively. Getting started often isn't so much of a problem as finishing it, so maintaining the motivation long enough to finish it. Lots of kind of half started, started late, and then half done things, or I drop things halfway through and forget that I'm doing them.

Then it's too late to finish them, or I realize that I haven't sent that thing back that I was meant to send back to get my refund. So now I've got a hundred pounds floating around that I should have that is just gone. I have trouble starting. With enough time to finish things now, because I, I just can't start, can't start.

Can't start. I don't think I answered your question at all. I'm round. No, you totally did. So I struggle with prioritizing things. That's part of the choice paralysis. I find myself quite anxious and stressed quite a lot of the time because I have so many different things going on at once and everything feels the same sense of urgency.

One thing that I hadn't realized I do is that when I start something, I finish it in that sitting. Yeah, because I know that if I don't get the whole thing finished and boxed off there and then I might forget it or I might not get it done, so I have to just make sure that. And I guess that adds even more stress and pressure because if someone else needs something from me that has a deadline and someone else needs something from me that has a deadline, but I have to focus on this one thing until completion, no matter how many hours that takes.

Yeah, it's quite stressful. It's really, it is tough. It's really tough. Um, like you said, meds really help me at first, but then, um, sort of I'm in the thick of. Perimenopause now, um, and have been struggling, um, as you both know, with my HRT, which has affected how well my meds work. And actually what happens when my meds aren't working so well is that they make me much more anxious and they're much less effective, which again, causes problems with the motivation.

It means, yeah, I'm just paralyzed a lot of the time. Reduce my dose, don't take 'em as much. They're working better again now. Thank goodness. Um, but yeah, it has been, it is been a really kind of steep, steep learning curve. Definitely always struggled more with the motivation on, you know, the, the week before my period, the start of my period.

That was always, always much harder. Um, but yeah, when it's kind of happening throughout the month kind of constantly, it's all appeared. It's so, it's lot. Well, Kirk Ty is our re community resident hormone queen, uh, who's just started a monthly, well, I'm assuming it's monthly. I'm gonna bully you. It is. I need to give you another date.

Hormonal hyper focus session, which is incredible because we all need to learn about that and advocate for ourselves, unfortunately. But let's stick to the topic. Yes. But you do raise a really good point in that multi hormone sensitivity theory. You know, our symptoms are going to fluctuate throughout.

Not just our lifetime. Yeah. But throughout our menstrual cycle each month, so yeah. Yeah. Planning things for the right time is a massive, is a massive thing. I don't, I try to avoid planning stuff. Big things that I have to get done falling in the week before my period, because I know that it's going to be that much harder to make myself do them.

And therein lies why we need to track our periods, and I'm still not doing it properly, doing it properly anymore. I got bored of it now I. I know I actually took, I messed up my HRT patches the other day, and I'm still paying for it now. I think, I think that's, that's, it's, it's a scary thing. These things that we have to manage when we are, well, for me, time blind, forgetful, terrible at dates, et cetera.

There, job I'm saying, as well as the novelty. I've, I've, I've, I'm bored of tracking. I'm really, yeah. Oh yeah. No, I don't wanna do that anymore. And I, I, I'm not tracking, not tracking that I'm not tracking my meds. I'm like, I know I'm taking them on time and everything, but it's, yeah, I, I'm bored of tracking because that particular app now just, I see it and I feel nothing and I'm not interested in it and I forget to open it 'cause it's not interesting.

So, yeah. Finding, I think it, yeah. I think it's really interesting is that you, you've kind of hit on the two ends of the, of, of the scale of. When you just don't, intrinsically, when, when our condition makes us struggle with motivation. Those are kind of the two ends is like boredom, which to any person who doesn't suffer boredom as we do, that would be like, so what?

You're bored. Life is boring. Not everything can be fun. No, literally can't do these things if they're, if they're really boring and the other end of the scale, which is absolute stress and anxiety and pressure. Yeah. And they're kind of the two. Yeah. You just can't, there's no, we don't have those intrinsic drivers, do we?

We just don't. But you know what's lovely about a diagnosis and about finding your podcast, Laura, a few years ago and listening to other podcasts and knowledge is power, isn't it? As much as, you know, the, the more that I have thought, the more I understand about people around me. But about myself as well.

I'm not very self-aware, but I know that in there it's all bubbling away. But what's lovely is I can now understand why I feel like that and I can now sort of be, I'm kind to myself and I do think to myself, you know what, today I've not got this done. I've not been motivated with it, but it's the X, y, and Z reason and tomorrow's another day, or exactly, not everything matters in the grand scheme of things.

Will, will I be beating myself up on in six months time? Absolutely not. You know, that doesn't always work because I've got people pleasing and all those other things going on in RSD and all that sort of stuff. But it's really nice, I think, to know why I'm like that now, a hundred percent. And having validated and to hear that other people.

Struggle with the same things as well. Exactly That. And actually, you know, after all the, the self-flagellation and everything else, we also know at the same time that our productivity does not dictate our worth. Like we are pure, what is it? Human beings, not human doings. So I think especially, and I'm saying this to myself as much as to anybody else, you know, we know that motivational struggles hand beef more so for some than others.

So it's. Basically internalized ableism. If we're, if we're being cruel to ourselves for feeling unmotivated, that is an intrinsic part of the condition, and we don't have to be productive all the time anyway. That's what's so frustrating is that, you know, consistently inconsistent. Sometimes I'm productivity personified, like I, I'm on fire, I'm just doing stuff, and I get loads done, and then suddenly no gone.

It's, and it's so frustrating. And it is. It is that kind of, yeah, consistently inconsistent. I don't quite know day to day which brain I'm gonna have. Yes. But it's, or even hour to hour. Right? Well, yeah, and this is the thing, but it's finding strategies to help you to work with that. So things like, for me, two things I find really useful is a timer, like a visual timer.

So I use the Pomodoro technique I was gonna show you, but I've. Now move locations and it's in the other room, but I've got a visual timer which has a red, instead of having a, using eight o'clock with numbers on it, um, it's a red circle that's an hour. As time runs out, the red disappears. And it's amazing because it stops me from going five minutes, 10 minutes below, even though I know what, how, how long's left.

I can look at it and go, I've got five minutes left. It, it shows me how much I have and it makes such a difference. It really, really does. And I know if I'm only trying to focus for 25, I've gotta focus for 25 minutes. If I get distracted, I'm like, how long? Oh, 10? Yeah. Okay. I can do it for another 10 minutes.

And then I can get and move around and jump about, go get an ice lolly, stroke the cat, you know? Yes. Have a, have five minutes of distraction. And once those five minutes of distraction are over, sit back down, carry on with what I was doing. And it works really well for me. Habit stacking as well. Past bundling, there's lots of different ways to put it, but finding something for things you don't want to be doing.

Bundle them in with stuff you do want to be doing. So cleaning. I listen to music, I put on a podcast, you know, yes. Doing laundry, although I do quite do like doing laundry actually. But the jobs that I don't want to be doing, the things I have to do, I, I'll have something else that I want to do. It. It raises the feeling of, oh, I don't wanna do that.

Packing your reward system, which is something obviously I'm a very, very big fan of. That is literally why a DHD Bingo exists, is to keep people engaged, the possibility that you might win a prize and making it into a fun game, and each round singing a song and all of that stuff is all about hacking our reward system.

So yeah, the, the motivation and the, and the focus can be there. And that's the thing, really. It's exactly like you said, Jill, like now you know, why are you struggling? The ways that you do, you can give yourself that compassion. So beyond that. As we know, it's gonna affect all people differently. It, it always goes back to that self-inventory, really looking at the ways in which you struggle.

Really looking at the times that you did feel motivated or the times that you didn't, trying to hack it and knowing, well, that word accepting. This is your lot. So what do you do with your lot and how do you best support yourself in there? And I know that for so many of us, it is that brain magic, that body doubling is also very motivating, whether you use it in the sense of having accountability.

I've said I'm gonna do the things and now I have to do it and have somebody check up and chase you or whether it is just physically having other people around, whether that calms your nervous system or helps to motivate you. I have got one really funny one actually. Uh, big. Always used to say motivation follows action, and I never really understood what that meant.

Until one day when I started to do something, I had to, I had to tidy up some clothes. I hate tidying up clothes. It's my worst thing. I literally, hangers don't exist. I absolutely hate doing clothes. So I was doing that and I'm like, oh God, I hate it. Hanging up my clothes. And then all of a sudden I was just like, oh, I finished hanging up my clothes.

Now I'm just gonna hoover. Oh, I'm just gonna hit her and now I'm just gonna do this. And now, now I'm at it. Once I've started, yeah, I can continue. Yeah. It's five minutes, isn't it? Yeah. Of just do this. Right, right. I've gotta do this. I don't do it. Right. Set a timer, I'll just do it for five minutes. Yeah. Or me, it's a dishwasher.

Just unload the bottom drawer and then by the time I've unload the load, the bottom drawer, it takes no time 'cause it's just a bunch of dishes suddenly like I might as well do the top one as well. Yeah. Do you know what I, uh, I use a Pomodora technique as well when I'm working predominantly in this little office, and I use it on my, I can't say her name because she'll spring into action and ask me what I want, electronic device, who I have a love hate relationship with, because she doesn't always understand my voice, but she always responds to my husband.

I'll ask her. She does. She has an app where you can ask her to activate Pomodoro technique. So I don't have that visual. And I think the visual for me, interestingly, because it would be worse. Because I know that's going on and it's 25 minutes. I just can get lost. Then I know that it's 25 minutes. It's gonna stop.

She's gonna go dingle. Yeah, this is your timer, or whatever she says. Um, so I get lost in it. Then knowing I'm not distracted, I'm not looking around, I don't check the time. I just know I'm working for 25 minutes. And then my five minute break is go, oh, oh, go fold me washing now. And then she shouts me back in.

I go, oh, I'm back. And then I think, so it's, then I'm getting, I'm, I'm ticking off little tasks. I'm getting little jobs done. The 15 minute I'm at Uber downstairs. So stuff that, you know, they're the little snippets. So they did that layer in both of those things, isn't it? What was interesting to me, Laura, though, not cringe when you said it not cringe for you.

Cringe for me at the thought of it. Yeah. When you said, now one thing that you put in place is to make sure that you finish something when you start it. I'm not at that stage yet. I'm not as well developed as you. I've not got there. I still cannot, well, just my, just not as, I cannot keep my motivation going through a full task.

I just can, I still have to dip in and out, have a few tabs open my brain on my laptop in my world. Um, so yeah. So well done to you for saying no, I gonna be organized. I, I dunno. I dunno if it's a well done, because actually we are supposed to have breaks and people can respond really well to having breaks.

But one thing I know for me is once I'm going, if I break it, it's hard to come back to, or I'll forget. So I know it. Even when I used to work in a pub, uh, my boss will be like, right, it's your break. And I'd be like, no, you are all right. Because if I go and sit outside and start chatting, I'm gonna be like, oh God.

And now I have to work again. Where it's like, I'm just, I'm on my feet. I'm going, I'm gonna clean that table. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that. Yeah, just keep going. And so I think, you know, once again, it really has to work for the person. Because some people, if you think about it, I can go, go Gad. You know, laser beams out my eyes hyperfocus because of the stress and anxiety and the pressure breathing down my neck.

I'm gonna get it done there and then so I can breathe again, whereas somebody else is gonna get bored halfway through. Need to take a break, move around, do something else and come back to it. We're just talking about motivation being impacted by different factors as well, and so things like your hormones.

And different pressures and changes in that and constant environments as well. Not being able to control your environment necessarily. Oh, yeah, yeah. At all times. Not having strategies in place constantly that you've been able to rely on. I thought of another aspect that I kind of sort of skimmed over but didn't really explain is that when we have only discovered our neurodivergence later in life, the fact that we are all here, the fact that the charity exists, everything that we've learned, the community that's brought us together.

It's because we haven't had a necessarily very nice time of it, right? Yeah. So when we are talking about late discovered A DHD in particular, the things that can cause task paralysis, and I'm talking about my self congratulation or the rest of it aren't necessarily. All to do with the symptoms of our condition.

They're also the, the remnants of the battle. Scars of, yeah. Battling through life with unidentified A DHD, failing, misunderstandings, miscommunications, uh, losing a job, fallouts, all the rest of it. Yeah. The people that we've let down, things like that. Carrying around those extra 20,000 negative things that we apparently have accumulated by the age of 10.

All of that stuff can leave us with very low self-worth, low self-esteem. And so it's really in picking apart what is the A DHD and what is the trauma of unidentified A DH? ADHD and trying to work with both? As I've said many times when I eventually got round to reading the label of the medication, 'cause I'm not a label or instructions reader, it does.

Say A DHD medication is meant to be taken in conjunction with talking therapy. Yeah, it is the two together that are meant to be the treatment for A DHD, and as we know, so many of us are offered one or the other, if we're lucky. It's the same with antidepressants, CI antidepressants as well. My previous breast cancer diagnostic, which then led me, it was easy to jump positive.

So then I had five years of checking of treatment that was blocking my receptors. Mm. During that time, I was also diagnosed with a DH, adhd. I had a diagnosis of PTSD as well during that time, and sometimes I did the about unpicking. Okay. Then is my motivation or my memory or anything else. ADHD trait affected by that today?

Or is it that life changing diagnosis or that will be life changing diagnosis, or that will be life changing diagnosis? Yeah. So it's about as well, yeah, absolutely. I can't start perfectionism. Yeah, it absolutely hammers me. These people who go around going, oh, I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Like it's some sort of humble brag.

No, it stops you from being able to start things because you're so comfort it's gonna be shit that what's the point? Yeah. But you don't even get as far as thinking that you just feel frozen. Frozen. So I think, yeah, some of, some of the things, stuff that I struggle with is to do with yeah, the brain chemistry of of A DHD and making it harder for me to want to start things because I haven't got that kind of, you know, chemical message going.

Go and do it. Yeah. Those dopamine receptors, which is improving. And I think it's the bit of me that I'm, I have been working on and I have been able to kind of do something about really, I think is the kind of that perfectionist side of me and that part of me that kind of is almost scared of trying because I'm so frightened it's gonna be bad.

I'm so scared I'm gonna fail. Because I failed so many times without understanding why I was failing. Now I understand why I was failing. I'm like, well actually, maybe I won't fail, and if I do, that's okay. I can try again. Just 'cause you fail at something once, it doesn't mean that's it. You give up and it has changed.

It's changed the way that I think about so much. So much. I do think as well, I feel very blessed. I've got a great family. I've got a really good job that I've recently started. I feel quite comfortable in myself founding, you know, a few niches where I feel happy and I enjoy what I do. And I think in turn, that allows me to be a little bit kinder to myself.

I've got this great community that I've discovered both the D ADHD community and other things as well, my military veterans. Yeah, so I tap into that and all those sorts of things. So I do think it's about where you are in life as well. And I know that life is, you know, it goes up and down so that that will change at some point.

But as I've got older, despite the hormones and despite all those things, I can be a little bit more forgiving of myself. I am a little bit hurtling towards being that extension old layer who doesn't care what people think. And you know, I'll go out dressed like. Dressed like I've got direct in the dark and I don't care anymore.

So there's an element of I don't care, and that can be helpful with my motivation, but sometimes it's a little bit misplaced. Absolutely. Yeah, I do. Yeah. And I'll like, I shoulda been a bit more sensible and a bit more motivated about that sensible grownup decision rather than. Being happy that I've gold in my Leo rock, that, you know, like that sort thing.

I'm, I'm wearing the best costume I've ever worn on holiday or whatever else. But yeah, I think, do you know what I think as well, you know, when we are talking about that self-compassion, which as I've said, you know, part of me getting things done is by pushing myself really hard and, and being so overstretched that I've got this constant deadline, but actually.

You've raised a really valid point there is that in connecting with community in sort of witnessing how a DHD in, in all of its presentations can play out with people around us, we do have compassion for those people. And actually it is in that, that has enabled me to be more compassionate to myself.

And I don't, you know, this is. This is the work of like changing those neural pathways that say, you're shit, you're rubbish. Look, you're gonna fail. So try harder. Try harder, and it has to be perfect. Is that actually the work is when I do that going, yes, but I'm the same as Jill or Kirsty or anybody else that we know in this community.

And if they told me that they didn't, couldn't get off the couch, didn't get the thing done. I'd be like, be kind to yourself. Yeah. And so then it's seeing yourself in others rather than that isolated alien person that I saw myself as before whilst everyone else got on with life just fine and I was just share everything.

Yeah. Like I now know that that isn't true, but it is work. That self compassion. Yeah. I used to work in a role where I worked one-on-one with individuals who were struggling and I was trained in therapeutic interventions. And what that is is a technique that we used to use called the the empty chair. So you would say to somebody, if your friend was sat there and they were saying these things about themselves, what would you do?

And that's what we're doing to with each other, aren't we, we saying naturally. Would you say that to her? Would you let her get away with that or would you, would you be bothered about gonna help that person if they ask for help? Well, why do you think anyone else? Would be bothered about coming to help you.

Why are you, you know, why do you feel guilty about putting it out there and asking for supporting things? Because in a heartbeat you give support to somebody else that was struggling and doing that. And comparison is the thi of joy. But it's also can bring you joy as well if you compare yourself to others and think, well, would I do that for that person?

Yes. Should they feel bad for anything that I'm think feeling bad for? And it is so important to be part of a community. And can I just add, because I thought of it earlier, you know, we're talking about extrinsic motivating factors and your little to-do list and tick. I think a really lovely thing that's come outta my Manchester group as well is they've all set up, um, a WhatsApp group and they connect with each other is external to the groups.

The groups are just the groups. But to connect with each other in the WhatsApp group that I'm part of and one lovely thing that we can do because we know we're all the same, we're all having the same challenges. If you do a boring job, if I for example, go and fill my petrol before it's on two miles, um, I know that I've got a lot of WhatsApp group where I can drop in and go, Hey, just filming just me petrol or port, I just actually paid the car parking or I just did the iron that we're talking about in group and I'm getting that instant dopamine hit because no one in there is gonna think, well, Jill's a bit of an idiot.

Why she does WhatsApp me that and I'm gonna get over positive. Well done, Jill, and I'll feel great about myself and carry on with my day, and then maybe do it again next time. So that's another lovely piece of the community that I think is really helpful too. Some motivation's. Everybody's cheering for each other because everyone knows that these things that shouldn't be hard.

Yeah, they really can be on any given day. Yeah, I think that's wonderful. I think this is the other thing, I think you know it, it's not just us. It's not just people with a d ADHD, who find these things hard sometimes, who find motivation hard sometimes, you know, it is just that we experience it on a, in a, in a much more magnified way and in a much more, you know, frequent.

Basis. Yeah. And so frequent that it can be debilitating because it has a has, but this is the other thing has an impact on our lives. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But sometimes it is worth remembering, Hey, sometimes everyone struggles with this stuff, you know? It's a hundred percent. Yeah. You know, we, we are not that different.

We are just a bit different. Yeah. We are a bit, that makes sense. You know, it is all part of the human experience, but it's, it's worth kind of remembering that as well. I think it doesn't make us aliens. Yes, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. And I think, um, what was I gonna say? Oh, it's completely gone.

Right on brand. And it was like literally following it, like repeating what you said in my head because I was like, no, that literally followed and it has completely gone. That's so annoying. But no, that was probably the thought that's gonna change the world. And you've lost it. Honestly, I lost. Sorry about me jumping in and just rabbit it in.

Sorry. Like that, you know, you know the tenacious tea song, that own tribute where it's like, this isn't the greatest song in the world. It's a tribute. I can't remember the greatest song in the world. Course we've had the greatest thought in the world and it's gonna change the world, but we can't remember it Really.

Sorry. I know what it was. I remembered. Yeah. Uh, so it was, um, that. Uh, yeah. It's all about eradicating that shame. Mm. So it is looking around you. If you can't find the compassion for yourself, find the compassion for others, and remember that you are the same as them, whether they are neurotypical or neurodivergent, but particularly if they're neurodivergent, then this is a problem that is going to be impacting their life daily and often, multiple times a day.

So they deserve even more compassion. And dropping the shame, trying to show ourselves compassion and just leaning into community to know that we're not alone in it because we can give you all the hacks and in the, and in the groups there'll be different hacks. And at all of the peer support groups, there'll be resources for support, suggestions, however.

We still have to look at it individually because what works for one won't work for another, or it might work for you at particular times of the day or, or times of the month, et cetera. So yeah, it is just being open and fluid and, and, and yeah, figuring yourself out, hacking your own motivational struggles.

And, uh, we've all got 'em. We have. Oh, we, any, any closing thoughts? Is there anything else that you would like to share that we haven't covered? Um, don't, I think we've covered everything. Remember anything I've said, to be honest with you.

Well, thank amazed when Alison, so they definitely thought with my own genius and wisdom, talking to ourselves, I know. Um, and thank goodness I remember to hit record. 'cause otherwise all of that would've been gone as well. And the whole episode would've been a tribute. So thank you very much to Kirsty and Jill.

Jill and I had a wonderful time this weekend at Camp vc. Oh my goodness. What a festival. All I'm gonna say is Pink Pony Club forever. At the festival, I gave two fully booked A DHD, bingo shows, and we had a little sing song at the end. We all sang Meredith. Brooks bitch, because I was part of the Bad Bitch assembly and at the show I shared some of the most A DHD things to lighten the load of the subject matter.

And I have a ker of a most A DHD thing for you. I did the exact opposite of what I said in this episode. I started two tasks simultaneously and I didn't see either of them through to completion. So when I came back to the takeaways for the support groups about motivation for attendees to have a read through and look at to learn more about everything that's been discussed in that session, I hadn't finished those and I hadn't finished editing this episode.

I came to sit down to do it, and because I have a problem with prioritization, I did it the wrong way round. What I should have done was edited this episode first and then done the takeaways for the groups, because that would've given anyone who is in the Edinburgh area who hasn't already found out about the groups more notice in attending.

But anyway, here we are. I don't just get to talk about A DHD, I really do bloody have it, and it trips me up. Time and time again. If you have or suspect, you might have a DHD. You're invited along to Edinburgh tonight, Tuesday, the 29th of July at 7:00 PM at the newsroom to a free peer support group with the wonderful Nicole Nadler.

Now, usually this group is the first Tuesday of each month, but August has been moved forward a few days as Nicole is performing her third Edinburgh Fringe show starting next week. If you are going to the fringe, you must go along. It is called exposure therapy. It's going to be incredible. And if you happen to be in Birmingham, Aberdeen, London, and of course Manchester and Oxford, you are invited to the August peer support groups.

You can find out all about them via the link in the show notes or at A-D-H-D-A-F plus, as in the word plus. Dot org.uk should you happen to be one of my lovely listeners in Dublin or in Australia, and I see the stats, so I know that that's a hell of a lot of you. Please follow the link in the show notes if you would be up for coming to see me live.

I'm planning to do a Mini Australia tour either at the end of this year or early next, and I'd love to meet all you Aussie listeners, so please follow the link so that you can help me start making plans. I'd be super grateful. Similarly, big love to the huge number of Dublin listeners that have hopped on board the late A DHD diagnosis rollercoaster with me over the last year, and it's increasing by the week.

So, hello Dublin. If you could also follow the Dublin link in the show notes that will help me shape some plans for future shows there. I just want to say that there are a lot of cliches in this world of A DHD, but I do think consistently and consistent hits the nail on the head. Every day is a new day.

If you are struggling with motivation, you are not alone. You can drop that shame because we are all in this together. Wherever you are in the world, you are welcome to join the A-D-H-D-F podcast. Patreon Community Full Membership includes daily body doubling and online peer support. Now, before I wrap this up, I've just got a couple more things to go.

Unlike most podcasts, this one has no adverts. I only mention all things A-D-H-D-A-F, all things that I personally believe in. The Emporium is a marketplace for neurodivergent makers and small businesses encouraging people to shop neurodivergent. The online community is a paid for membership, and this podcast is the thing that kicked the whole lot off.

A-D-H-D-A-F plus charity was inspired by this podcast and its community and events at all. Things A-D-H-D-A-F fundraise for and help promote the charity, but all are entirely separate entities. Find out more at a HD as females.com. Finally, she says, but I, I think it probably won't be fine. Let's be honest.

I'm gonna find something else to say this weekend. Is the big A DHD fundraiser. It is finally here. 11 legends are cycling 288 miles in leopard print. In honor of our leopard print army through Scotland, England, and Wales, in celebration of where we are setting up charity support groups, all fundraise. Our split between A DHD adult UK and A-D-H-D-A-F plus charities.

All of the team and all of us at both charities will be so incredibly grateful. If you could donate, you can even get a personalized message on one of the leopard spots on their Leopard Princip support vehicle. Simply donate five pounds or more via the Lincoln Show notes with the hashtag. Spot on to have your very own leopard spot on the vehicle.

The team set off on Friday in air in Scotland, and I'm so excited to celebrate this monumental challenge at the finish line with them in Reham on Sunday. If you are able to donate, please do. If you're not, I would be so grateful if you could share the fundraiser anywhere to try and help us raise some funds.

If you've enjoyed this chinwag, please share it to help motivate and validate others and to get the word out about A-D-H-D-F plus charity, our chaa. And if we haven't got a support group near you yet, you can apply to start your own via the link in the show notes. I just wanna end on a glimmer and it's, it's such a huge glimmer.

I can't even call it a glimmer. I dunno what I would call it. As I said earlier. At the weekend I was at Camp VC Festival and Jill and I were sat outside our van with leopard print pouring out of it, and a lovely lady popped by to say hello. She said she was very excited to see me, that she'd been a listener of the podcast and she came along to both of the shows.

The lovely MJ not only supported the shows, took pictures and was just an absolute ledge to me. She also shared on her social media what I'm about to read to you now. Two years ago, it was going to be my last holiday, and I searched for a podcast about A DHD, and there was a DHD AF podcast. Instead of leaving, I'm still here.

This podcast is part of that Camp VC made dreams come true, as she said, and all of you have made my dreams come true and have continued this circle of support to support people, not just in the community online, but in real life. Through this charity and I could not be more grateful. Peer support works sharing is caring.

Thank you so much for listening, and I hope to see you over Zoom in the Patreon community in real life at an A-D-H-D-F plus charity support group near you, or perhaps even in Dublin or somewhere in Australia at one of the A-D-H-D-A Bingo shows, which I will be hopefully doing in the coming months. All information about everything that I've been going on about is available in the show notes.

And to be honest, I don't know how to motivate you to go and look. Perhaps you come in, lemme know. Big love.

LEOPARD PRINT ARMY!